Mysterious liquid Rick Santorum declared his presidential exploratory committee last night on Greta Van Susteren, which must have given her show such a stunning ratings boost it broke all the other channels on teevee. Santorum may not even be eligible for president, though. His slogan is “Fighting to make America America again,” which implies that he’s running for president of a country that isn’t America. What country is this? Canada? Mozambique? Kenya? Where is Santorum’s Kenyan birth certificate? He can’t run for president of Kenya without a Kenyan birth certificate.
Let’s look at this Web presence! Here he is planning out an extramarital affair.
Disgusting! Here’s Rick showing how he only likes to “route” for some states. Are red states still American, though? Or are they Messican or something?
Finally, Santorum’s pathetic Facebook account! Unfortunately for him, only one or two people seem vocal about his candidacy.
The few others who bother to post on his profile? Well, it’s stuff like this:
IS THERE ANY WAY HE DOESN’T WIN THE PRESIDENCY? [Rick Santorum]
{ 106 comments }
The leakage from the ass of America for president? Next thing you know Billionaire wanna be's will be running, born on third base and thought he hit a triple.
I look forward to the concession speech, surrounded by his crying children.
Do you think they'll bring the miscarried fetus along?
http://digg.com/news/technology/PA_Senator_Rick_S...
Perhaps. If it isn't testifying before Congress or a having a play date with Jarbra.
"play date with Jarbra" – so awesome! Thanks for the laugh!
What a sick fuck! His poor kids, my God.
No wonder they all look psycho… I would be pretty fucked up too.
(I mean even more so)
They didn't all cry. Some of them just stare sightlessly off into the distance.
… their eyes screaming, "Save me!"
He is finally throwing his shit in the ring. His lube infused, oh so frothy shit.
Haha, you said "ring"
I think that ring is his anal ring.
So we haz MIttens and the rest?
What is this, So White and the seven dwarts?
Barry, this is going to be so fucking easy!!!
Indeed.
Which is why it's so frustrating watching Barry become ever more of a corporate whore in the run-up to the walk-over.
Fast Forward to the first Presidential debate, 2012, when President Obama preemptively demands a copy of his own birth certificate.
~
RNC is furiously faxing, calling, emailing, sending carrier pigeons to you-know-who: "Save us, Jeb!"
Palin, Bachmann, Trump, Huckabee, and Santorum. Time to head for international waters.
Relax – if any of this lot wins, the international waters will be heading for us.
Can we imprison gays and women who've had abortions yet?
Nice to see Santorm cheering for a win by a serial rapist there! Remember to spread the story that Rick Santorum supports serial rapists.
"Santorum 2012"
"He routes for rapists!"
To be fair, he only roots for Red State Rapists .
Do they have a union? If so, I'm sure it's an unholy one, for sure.
Bush abd Condi were at the game – the War Criminals cheering on the Sex Criminals.
Dan Savage must be happy.
Every time I hear or see Santorium's name I smile and thank Dan.
Looks like he's figgered out a solution to the deficit – just use tricksy software that makes online tax filers pay twice!
Genius, I tells ya!
He's got a promising career with Goldman-Sachs after his latest election debacle.
Sorry about your Steelers getting packed.
What the fuck's wrong with reheated cranberries? Elitist assholes.
Many upfists to you, Sir/Madam/Ambisexual
Pam! Just ball up some cash, shove it in an envelope and address to to 'President Santorum, USA'. Your money will get to him! Forget all this new fangled technology! It's time to make America America America again! 23-Skidoo!
You are truly the bee's knees.
I once sent a fan letter to Don Rickles. On the envelope I drew of picture of his face and wrote LAS VEGAS beneath. Sadly it was returned. I think it was Spy magazine that inspired me, because they had some success sending out mail with drawings on them instead of names.
How is that drawing not your avi???
If his prayer of Thanksgiving is so long, what in the hell is he bitching about that is wrong with America?
Rick, what is the definition of insanity?
I wonder if Rick and K-Lo had tossed salads for lunch?
Rick shot dressing all over her blouse. What a mess.
OK, I'm used to the fetus story because I lived in PA at the time it was happening. But you two have finally sent me to the commode.
"… maybe there is a glitch on your site…"
A glitch? Nope lady… that is completely the way we planned it… you just keep donating and down the road you will find out how fucked you really are. You know, all Republican like.
"find out"..?
No, down the road, she will rationalize the fucking as "it is all for the best," and then find a scapegoat for anything so completely fucked beyond easy rationalization.
That is what it means to be all Republican like.
I'm surprised she didn't claim Obama engineered the "glitch."
OT but wanted to share this typical Fox News headline:
Obama Speech, Puny Deficit Cuts Leave Congress in an Uproar
As far as Santorum goes, I'd think the fact that he lost his U.S. Senate seat by an 18-point margin should pretty much preclude anyone from taking his presidential campaign seriously.
Normally, an incumbent has to have some major scandal to lose by that much; Santorum had an amazing accomplishment there.
To Bob "The Most Boring Dude on Earth" Casey Jr. no less–most days Capitol medics have to check him for a pulse…so, yeah, go Rick, go!
And in a state that he absolutely has to carry if he has even a feeble hope of winning.
I hope he doesn't eat omlets because omlets are made from eggs and eggs are aborted chickens. Now I grossed myself out.
I was going to post an enraged diatribe about how much I hate this man, but I'll just stick with this: Go fuck yourself, douchebag.
That's fine. He can be president of Teatard America. Just not the UNITED Staes of America.
The United States of Ameritard.
His slogan is “Fighting to make America America again.”
Isn't there some grammatical rule against putting the same word together like that?
Or am I just being obtuse obtuse?
Not exactly the same thing, but fun nonetheless: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buffalo_buffalo_buff...
No I think this structure has potential.
Fisting to make Wonkette Wonkette again.
It's what makes a Republican a Republican.
I wonder if he (or his handlers) meant "to make America American again." It's a common shortcoming, the illiterates hired to develop slogans, who run with how it sounds yet no clue to how much less effective it might appear when written out.
/Sort of like what's flung about in the majority of these zoo cages of internet dialogue, actually.
Santorum's santorum is santoruming all over the place. Grammar award, and my grampa liked it, too.
America isn't America? What changed? I'm guessing getting rid of the uppity negro in the White House would make it America again? I got your America right here, fuckwit.
If he thinks having lunch with KLo is a 'win', he is stupider than I thought. Jonah Goldberg doesn't even want to have lunch with her.
Wonder what Dennis Damian's Wonkette handle is?
"Santorum (sexual neologism)" is the #1 search result on pretty much every search engine out there. I guess some assholes just don't know when to quit, do they? (Except for Sarah, of course)
She just doesn't quit all the right things.
Desperately upfisting. We're being santorumed.
Rick, go pound sand up your ass and tell us how you liked the experience – until you do we will be unable to properly assess your potential presidential candidacy.
Why would he even bother running since he is already predicting the outcome-
"Bama D wins game late"
Obama (D) wins game late… there ya go Ricky Poo-goo.
And the morans take the field…
The marching band refused to yield.
"Fighting to make America America again" – seriously? I'm not gonna google this because I don't want to read all about his anal problems. Again.
I can't wait for the brave and truly patriotic white Merikkkan who declares his candidacy on the slogan of: White Christian Male – the rest of you get the hell out of God's Country! (except for you brown sugar, go make me a sandwich)
No need to get nasty on the kids. Last I heard they were safely esconced in very expensive private schools at the expense of the PA taxpayers. Maybe that's changed since Rick's socialist government paycheck has gone away.
Perhaps when their daddy can feel the smallest amount of empathy towards other peoples kids, specifically their gay kids, then I will lay off. Until that happens, Ricky and his entire family can go fuck themselves and quit trying to run womens vaginas and tell me who I can love.
Did I mention how they can all die in a muddy Cambodian pit filled with clown cum and the burnt remnants of their precious bibles and I wouldn't give a shit?
Thank you for that.
A no-snark clarification: PA taxpayers are finally off the hook, as if anything spawned by Santorum was capable of being educated … For the years he was a senator, Little Rickie held up the Penn Hills School District (a suburban Pittsburgh township where he owned a house he called his primary residence) for the cost of educating his many kids. They were home schooled, but the Santorums insisted that Penn Hills pay for the expensive "cyber-school" curriculum being used. There was an uproar about this after the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reported that Santorum's Penn Hills home had rental tenants in it and he never even visited. The school district said it would sue rather than continue to pay for kids who hadn't lived in Penn Hills for years. Their complaint became moot when the people of PA finally had enough of Santorum and removed him from office and he chose to remain in his Virginia home.
Scene from Soylent Green where Chuck is screaming about where the stuff comes from…
“Canned cranberries are santorum!”
Santorum's strategy is to go after the votes of aborted Americans. That's 30 percent of the population! When these votes are properly counted, there's no way he can lose.
Using the new union voting rules if you don't vote that is counted as republican.
I think this may be a winner.
Tell us all what you thanked Jeebus for, Rick. You're too much of a lightweight to be a dick, to much of a pussyfart to be a real asshole. You're thankful you are just one ginormous taint, right? Rick Santorum, 100% American Taint! I know your kids are proud of you. I know I am. BTW, here's a good candidate for your running mate: http://tpm.ly/fmPXZM Just the right mix of stupid and crazy; he'll be a lock for the Shit-kicker vote. Love, T. ps You DO step out of the shower to take a leak, right??? I fucking knew it!
Of course he steps out of the shower … how else do you expect him to sit down?
Hahahahahaha!
At least the Republican primaries will not lack comedic value.
Don't forget the sperm-shit gravy….that's always luke warm.
Jesus Kee-rist, Barbara, do you ever write unfunny things?
You're sweet, thanks!
I would certainly be leery about the contents of the gravy boat on the Santorum dinner table.
Go 'Bama (D)
Other things you should know about Rick Santorum: Being an illiterate fundie, he only drinks "route beer."
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha,
Boner's defense is "you have to understand how the budget works."
He's leading fucktards not "understanders."
If they understood anything at all they wouldn't be fucktards, and he wouldn't be their leader.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Damn that feels good.
Obama, you snookered the white guy again, all is forgiven, I love your imaginary Keyan ass, and knee, again. (Am I a cheap date or what?)
Pam, your money is wasted, the Santorum has a gnat's chance of winning…
I don't know…the way she longs for him to return to Davenport, IA, I think she may be paying for some other type of transaction – is she a tranny?
So now frothy asslube man has joined the party….lets break out the booze and start getting loose for this fiasco.
"Fighting to Make Santorum Santorum Again." Hell, even I would donate to that.
What's so bad about giving your kids some intense psychological trauma?
I said I try. I didn't say I was any good at it.
It is the 'Merican way I suppose.
For his exploratory committee, he's gonna need the toolz. Might I recommend a Roto-Rooter snake, or some other mode of flexible auger, a medium-size ShopVac, and the business end of a Louisville Slugger.™ In addition to his usual battery of gargantuan simulated porn star appurtenances. Please, Mr. Dog on Man, please strive to be thorough.
I have more of a chance of being elected president than this asshole. I hope Santorum's kids all grow up to star in hard-core same-sex porn.
He's a lovely, lovely, man and you're all horrible people.
He can't help it if he's named after that poopy-loob-discharge-thingy.
sheer numbers would make that a very possible outcome
the republican party: when you want only the best in medieval.
Well, Pam Crome, I love your name, and was this your first inkling that Republicans get rich by ripping people off?
When he has to return that dumb woman's money, does he get to keep 10% as a restocking fee?
I went on a mail route one where I stole this woman's check, twice. YAY me!
Also, what kind of an asshole bases which teams he routes — I mean roots — for if they are from a "red" or a "blue" state? God, what a horrid human being. I bet his wife drinks a lot or pops pills like they're M&Ms.
"Dear" Pam Crone":" Nothing "bugs" me "more" than when "people" use "quotation marks" unnecessarily in a "sentence." It always comes off as either unbearably "cutesy" or "sarcastic." Find yourself a "Strunk and White" style guide. "Pronto."
Truly, we are blessed with the quality of candidates the Republicans are fielding. The primary debates will be as organized as a shit fight in a monkey house. I intend to enjoy every second of it.
This is only going to worsen his Internet problem, by running he is essentially re-arming his Google bomb,
Boehner wound up the crazies and used them to his advantage. Maybe once they pull him and his fellow Republiklans down like a pack of hyenas on a wildebeest, they will learn their lesson. HA!
Or at least as intelligent and well-spoken as Newt's sister Candace, the sane Gingrich.
Staphylococcus aureus in the VP slot…
Poor, stupid Pam. That's not a bug; that's a feature.
BTW, anyone up for a "route" joke concerning Australia?
Is Rick's twitter name "Santorumleaks"?
Oh, well done.
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