WONKETTE WORLD O' BOOKS  1:33 pm April 14, 2011

Donald Trump ‘All About Quality,’ Says Donald Trump’s Book

by Greer Mansfield

Incorporating Washington Post Book World.How does thin-skinned teevee star Donald Trump spend his time when he’s not disfiguring skylines and signing prenups? As he recently told the world, he “has written many bestsellers,” so presumably he spends a fair amount of time engaged in “word usage.” We’ve conducted a literary investigation to determine what this word usage is like. Turns out Donald has written books on all kinds of subjects: a “guide” to getting rich, a treatise on golf and, best of all, a manual on how to Think BIG and Kick Ass in Business and Life.

Considering his main source of income, you’d think Trump would write a book about his vision of architecture, or at least a how-to manual about building soulless, inhuman glass-and-steel obelisks everywhere from Fifth Avenue to the Bosphorus. We suppose that will have to be left to some future architecture critic or historian.

Anyway: Think BIG and Kick Ass in Business and Life. This 2007 book was written as an advice manual for people who need that extra push to start thinking BIG and kicking ass. Donald loves Bigness in all its forms! Well, not China or OPEC, which are really big but sinister. That’s okay, though, because Donald will SO kick China’s ass when he becomes president and cut out the OPEC middleman by confiscating Iraq’s oil (something that has never been attempted in human history).

Donald didn’t “write” Think BIG in a strict and literal sense; the book is actually a transcription of various talks and Q-and-A sessions he’s done over the years. Time to sample some of the great man’s word usage? Yes.

Donald on real estate:

My main thing is real estate. I love the suits, I love the ties, I love the shirts, but my big thing is real estate…I’m building all over the world right now and that’s the thing I love the most. …people know that when they are buying one of my buildings, it is a great building. I’m all about quality. It doesn’t have to be the highest building, but it has to be the best quality building. I’m all about quality.

Donald’s tips on When to Buy:

I don’t want to buy in a hot market. I want to go into a dead shit market. This is the time to start thinking about buying. I really made a lot of money. I really understand real estate…

Sure to cause problems for patriotic voters is this worrying passage:

Every country in the world is in Cuba right now, except the United States. Castro is old and sick. I looked at him the other day on television. I said, “Man! That guy is tough. He doesn’t die!” Cuba’s going to be an amazing story in the coming years. I think it’s time we start thinking a little bit differently about Cuba, because certainly every other country is.

But what about American Exceptionalism, boss? Also: Surely your reviewer isn’t the only one to detect a note of admiration for the old dictator in the “That guy is tough” line? Does Donald Trump want to gay-marry Fidel Castro or just live with him in the inevitable-in-the-near-future Trump Tower development in Havana? Or is this simply CONCLUSIVE PROOF that Donald Trump’s comb-over was born in Cuba?

Trump has used words in many other bestsellers, but we haven’t the energy to review all of them right now. Perhaps when his Presidential campaign really gets going.

Think BIG and Kick Ass in Business and Life by Donald Trump and Bill Zanker (?), HarperBusiness, 384 pages, $17.79

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 106 comments }

Barbara_i April 14, 2011 at 1:34 pm

I was just combing over "The Donald's" steak website. They have a product listing for: "fancy pork chops" there. Who came up with that name, his five year-old kid, Barron? Anyway, there is a guide to help you to defrost their meat that suggests that you put the meat on the bottom rack of your fridge and then put it on the kitchen counter to finish thawing. There wasn't an 800 number to call for advice once you get a searing case of the "Trump-dumps" from the bacteria that will be swimming in your colon from unsafe food handling. First rule of business: don't kill your customers.

BaldarTFlagass April 14, 2011 at 1:44 pm

I wonder if them "fancy pork chops" are halal/kosher?

WinterOuthouse April 14, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Don't be a fraidy cat. What's a few bacterial slugs among friends?

Radio_Level_7 April 14, 2011 at 2:01 pm

So that's what's the matter with the downfister!

UpFistTroll April 14, 2011 at 3:58 pm

The downfister is an automated script; there's no point in acknowledging its existence other than upfisting to cancel it out.

Radio_Level_7 April 14, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Hence an upfist for you and your awesome moniker..

ZombieForceD April 14, 2011 at 2:03 pm

combing over… ha

SorosBot April 14, 2011 at 2:04 pm

"I was just combing over "The Donald's" steak website."

I see what you did there.

fuflans April 14, 2011 at 3:23 pm

steak? is there anything this huckster doesn't peddle?

Fukui_sanYesOta April 14, 2011 at 9:23 pm

Sanity, I think.

tessiee April 15, 2011 at 12:09 pm

"First rule of business: don't kill your customers."

??

I thought the first rule of business is that we don't talk about…
Oh, wait — that's Fight Club.
My bad.

chicken_thief April 14, 2011 at 1:40 pm

I think Hyman Roth beat the Donald to the "Havana will be GREAT!" line….

FNMA April 14, 2011 at 1:43 pm

We could be bigger than U.S. Steel!

johnnymeatworth April 14, 2011 at 2:07 pm

The things that we do here will make history, Michael….

backbaconzgood April 14, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Now that's some Quality TP!

Ruhe April 14, 2011 at 1:41 pm

"Does Donald Trump want to gay-marry Fidel Castro or just live with him in the inevitable-in-the-near-future Trump Tower development in Havana?"

No, the Kick-Ass Donald just won't allow his foreign policy to be dictated by a small group of people in South Florida who he's sure probably work in one of his Hotels anyway.

Goonemeritus April 14, 2011 at 1:41 pm

“I don’t want to buy in a hot market. I want to go into a dead shit market.”

Hence his decision to join this group of Republican's now entertaining us with their attempts to become POTUS.

mavenmaven April 14, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Darn, you beat me to it. I guess I didn't enter this particular D.S. market swiftly enough :)

DownFist Troll April 14, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Trump: here's how you make da monies. Don't go bankrupt.

JustPixelz April 14, 2011 at 2:14 pm

But going into debt you can't repay is Trumpette's specialty. That's why he's perfect to follow in Reagan & Dubya's bootsteps.

UpFistTroll April 14, 2011 at 3:59 pm

More like "move all assets into overseas shelters, go bankrupt, move assets back, repeat."

Hatrabbit April 14, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Don bought his hairpiece in the "Dead Shit Market"

Killer Deal.

WinterOuthouse April 14, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Will Donald give me advice on when to pop the boil on my ass?

DaRooster April 14, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Right before it starts combing its hair over to the side.

samsuncle April 14, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Too bad I can only give you one up-fist for that comment.

James Michael Curley April 14, 2011 at 2:18 pm

That's Rush Limbaugh's territory.

ttommyunger April 15, 2011 at 9:53 am

Trump IS the boil on our ass!

arihaya April 14, 2011 at 1:43 pm

and here i thought Trump is all about bankruptcy ….

Hatrabbit April 14, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Donald's Tips on Trophy Wives: "Dream it, and you can screw it."

Wadisay April 14, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Like Marla Maples. Marla Maples didn't have the biggest tits in the world, just the best.

Lascauxcaveman April 14, 2011 at 2:21 pm

*Quality*

Sophist [غني عن ذلك] April 14, 2011 at 1:44 pm

To be fair, venality, vanity and vulgarity are qualities.

ifthethunderdontgetya April 14, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Considering his main source of income, you’d think Trump would write a book about his vision of architecture, or at least a how-to manual about building soulless, inhuman glass-and-steel obelisks everywhere from Fifth Avenue to the Bosphorus "How to be born into a billionaire's family".
~

Hatrabbit April 14, 2011 at 1:45 pm

I love the sweatpants, I love Mom's basement, I love the cheetos, but my big thing is unemployment checks.

Mumbletypeg April 14, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Surely he meant Tank Big and Kiss Ass?

backbaconzgood April 14, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Big Ass Think Kick

(it's not really a snark but I think it sounds funny)

mereoblivion April 14, 2011 at 3:46 pm

Also sounds like a dance move from Chorus Line.

ManchuCandidate April 14, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Donald is all about quality? If so he should really fire his hair dresser and skin colorist.

BaldarTFlagass April 14, 2011 at 1:47 pm

His quote about Castro is probably from, like, 1992.

CapeClod April 14, 2011 at 1:48 pm

At least with Trump we won't invade countries anymore. We'll just buy land in other countries and put up hideous, tacky buildings.

poncho_pilot April 14, 2011 at 2:03 pm

"At least with Trump we won't invade countries with our military anymore. We'll just land the army corps of engineers in other countries and put up hideous, tacky buildings."

fixed.

pinkocommi April 14, 2011 at 1:48 pm

"Donald loves Bigness in all its forms! "

Especially boobs.

smokefilledroommate April 14, 2011 at 1:49 pm

To him 'quality' must equal garish and dated.

Hatrabbit April 14, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Trump stories always make me reconsider my disdain for Michele Bachmann.

4TheTurnstiles April 14, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Think the tea party crowd is going to appreciate his four-letter use of the American language?

jus_wonderin April 14, 2011 at 1:56 pm

That cover with The Donald's open mouth is missing a Koch.

BTW: Trump is the new Sarah.

ttommyunger April 15, 2011 at 9:57 am

I have never seen a portrayal of this person in any media with his torn-pocket of a mouth closed.

BaldarTFlagass April 14, 2011 at 1:59 pm

On the cover, is Donald doing the "Dean Scream?"

bureaucrap April 14, 2011 at 1:59 pm

actually, that's pretty much true.

KeepFnThatChicken April 14, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Dick-shaped mouth he has, there.

poncho_pilot April 14, 2011 at 2:00 pm

"i used to make a living by picking the banana. hurray for Havana."

Barbara_i April 14, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Barron William Trump.

Rosie_Scenario April 14, 2011 at 2:15 pm

And daughter (with ex-wife, Marla) is Tiffany. Classy, quality, and real estate.

natoslug April 14, 2011 at 4:14 pm

Nothing says classy like naming your kid after an ugly lamp.

LetUsBray April 14, 2011 at 8:12 pm

That's why my son's name is Fragile, pronounced Frah-JEE-lay.

natoslug April 14, 2011 at 11:38 pm

My daughter, Thi Sendup, is jealous.

prommie April 14, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Klassy with a "K." Donald J. Trump defines "craptacular."

Barbara_i April 14, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Downfister is awake and full of beans.

BaldarTFlagass April 14, 2011 at 2:32 pm

I think there are two of them! Aieee!

tessiee April 15, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Is THAT what I smell?

mavenmaven April 14, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Trump wants to build casinos and hotels in Cuba, so that there can be revolution again.
I suppose he wants Lansky's old job in the Batista regime.

Ruhe April 14, 2011 at 2:04 pm

The beauty of that situation is that of all the potential male candidates the Donald would be the least capable of suppressing his latent misogyny. I can easily imagine him responding to some weighty thought from Palin by saying "Honey, would you go get me a cup of coffee while I set everyone straight on that topic?"

harry_palmer April 14, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Donald is all about quality – appallingly bad, tacky quality.

V572..whatever April 14, 2011 at 2:04 pm

"When I go into a market, it turns to dead shit."

These are the words people in Atlantic City are seeing when they read "his" "book."

SorosBot April 14, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Well the non-casino parts of Atlantic City have turned to dead shit, so he's right on that I guess.

V572..whatever April 14, 2011 at 2:37 pm

No no! Redevelopment doesn’t just siphon money from one area to another, it generates wealth spontaneously! So we must lavish tax breaks on developers at every opportunity.

trumpbly_joe April 14, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Donald Trump is a BIG douchebag.

SorosBot April 14, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Does he give advice on how to parlay being an obnoxious media clown and blowhard onto getting your own TV show? Or exactly how old is too old for a wife, indicating it's time to dump her for a newer model?

johnnymeatworth April 14, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Goodwill will have it in six months, don't worry.

GhostBuggy April 14, 2011 at 2:10 pm

I, for one, would like to see proof that Trump was NOT born in Cuba. His grandparents obviously forged that one certificate he released!

JustPixelz April 14, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Methinks you've discovered his campaign slogan. You need to trademark that puppy faster the Sarah Palin™ can tweet the letter "T". Otherwise the Trumpette will be forced to use some lame play on "You're Fired!".

Lucidamente1 April 14, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Will the 1980s never end?

prommie April 14, 2011 at 2:18 pm

He is Ronnie the Limo Driver with money; just as eloquent and sophistocated.

tessiee April 15, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Is Ronnie the Limo Driver any relation to Bernie X, the NYC cab driver from the National Lampoon stories?

Lascauxcaveman April 14, 2011 at 2:20 pm

You got a pretty good aim?

LiveToServeYa April 14, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Especially necessary since there's only one.

Fukui_sanYesOta April 14, 2011 at 9:27 pm


Donald, has only got one ball
Boehner, has two but very small
Omney, sold his for money
And Walker has no balls at all

AutomaticPilot April 14, 2011 at 2:23 pm

So thin, yet still so orange…

SayItWithWookies April 14, 2011 at 2:24 pm

I’m all about quality. It doesn’t have to be the highest building, but it has to be the best quality building.

Quality to Trump means having a ten-story marble waterfall in the atrium cluttered with gold-leafed cherubim. If he's such a frickin' genius how come he doesn't know how to be tasteful?

mrpuma2u April 14, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Holy crap. The looney toons on the right love this guy, and I think he knows how to talk to them. He will crap out in debates though, as I am fairly sure he is completely incapable of being civil for more than 5 minutes at a time.

JustPixelz April 14, 2011 at 2:25 pm

"Think BIG and Kick Ass in Business and Life"

I really should read this. I've always wanted to Kick Ass in Life. A life lived without kicking an ass, is a life not lived.

Especially in business dealings. LIke if I buy something and it doesn't work, I bring it back. A lame-o stores will give me a credit or a refund. An ass kicking store wouldn't do that. An ass kicking store would kick my ass, thereby insuring my loyalty as a customer.

And in Life, when my family says stop drinking, using drugs and spending all day on wonkette … well, a lame-o libural would engage in some self-improvement. But an ass kicker would kick his family's collective ass, thereby keeping them from leaving the compound.

BaldarTFlagass April 14, 2011 at 2:43 pm

My boss was joking around one day and said "If you don't get that Statement of Work done by this afternoon, I'll kick your ass!" and I thought, what a great business seminar topic, Personnel Management Through Physical Intimidation. "If you don't have that cost estimate done and done right by COB tomorrow, I'm-a put my fist down your fucking throat!" It sure would make a day at the office more interesting.

BlueStateLibel April 14, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Now, now, we don't need to get hostile in the workplace–that's what we have guns for.

WIDTAP April 14, 2011 at 2:29 pm

The just in: Trump says he has a 'Great Relationship with the blacks.'

Now if we could only find the official spokesman for the blacks, we could get confirmation.

smokefilledroommate April 14, 2011 at 2:39 pm

He has such a good relationship with the blacks they let him call them 'the blacks'.

SayItWithWookies April 14, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Oh yeah — remember horrible pestilence Omarosa? She inflicted herself on reality via The Apprentice, though she's at least had the good sense to drop out of sight recently (and hopefully forever).
So yeah, he's cool with The Blacks. Not that any of them have ever won Apprentice, but he'll at least let them play. A veritable Martin Luther King, that Mr. Trump.

4TheTurnstiles April 14, 2011 at 2:50 pm

"Oh great, a president for the special interests and not Real Americans"

–anonymous white suburbistani claiming to speak on behalf of the Tea Party

x111e7thst April 14, 2011 at 2:29 pm

That Castro guy sure has great hair. Maybe it's time for the US to think differently about a country that has an old guy with such great hair.

JustPixelz April 14, 2011 at 2:31 pm

His skin is so thin, it makes a supermodel look like a TP'er.

It's so thin, most people can see right through him. Repubicans can't 'cause they need to go to the Lenscrafters of Lenscrafters.

It's so thin, his ideas look substantial.

DashboardTrombone April 14, 2011 at 2:35 pm

I read a sample of that on my Kindle and my Kindle threw up.

crybabyboehner April 14, 2011 at 2:37 pm

The problem with Cuba is that their coral reefs aren't dying fast enough. We need to get down there and build some cruise ship terminals, quick.

Also, quality combover, dude!

philpjfry April 14, 2011 at 2:50 pm

I know this is all a big joke and Trump is whoring for the attention. But, for the first time in my life, I am praying for a man to die. Go to Hell Donald and take your hair back where it came from.

BZ1 April 14, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Oh yeah, when you think of quality, you think the Donald…

chascates April 14, 2011 at 2:59 pm

Making Silvio Berlusconi look like Nelson Mandela.

aguacatero April 14, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Much as it takes a tough man to make a tender chicken, so too does it make a "short-fingered" man to be such a collosal dick.

aguacatero April 14, 2011 at 3:14 pm

Who better to guide America into bankruptcy than the man who has personified every possible kind of bankruptcy for decades?

Jerri April 14, 2011 at 4:02 pm

His lips always look like a dried up asshole.

Sorry to be crass, but it's always bothered me and this is as fine a place as any to say so.

ttommyunger April 15, 2011 at 10:00 am

No apologies needed! Excellent description of an unpleasant subject.

tessiee April 15, 2011 at 12:28 pm

An actual asshole at least serves a constructive purpose.

HamsterSandwich April 14, 2011 at 5:00 pm

OR,- – - – "I'll Kiss The Tip: How I FINALLY Blew Through Daddy's Money . . . The Trump Way!"

Lifted this from somewhere, can't remember. . . . .

zhubajie April 14, 2011 at 8:33 pm

All about low quality

Jukesgrrl April 14, 2011 at 8:37 pm

I have a special distain in my heart for business leaders who don't understand that the word "quality" is not synonymous with "good quality."

Fukui_sanYesOta April 14, 2011 at 9:31 pm

Think Big and Fist Up

ttommyunger April 15, 2011 at 9:55 am

And tacky. I know that's already been said, but considering who we're talking about here, in can't be overemphasized.

ttommyunger April 15, 2011 at 10:04 am

Quality? Mr. Trump, you know expensive, you know garish, you know crass, you know crap; but you sir, wouldn't know quality if it walked up, offered its hand and then kicked you in your raisins. Which is, frankly, what I dream of doing.

tessiee April 15, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Please, I beg of you, don't make me picture his skin… OR his innards.

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