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Donald Trump ‘All About Quality,’ Says Donald Trump’s Book

Incorporating Washington Post Book World.How does thin-skinned teevee star Donald Trump spend his time when he’s not disfiguring skylines and signing prenups? As he recently told the world, he “has written many bestsellers,” so presumably he spends a fair amount of time engaged in “word usage.” We’ve conducted a literary investigation to determine what this word usage is like. Turns out Donald has written books on all kinds of subjects: a “guide” to getting rich, a treatise on golf and, best of all, a manual on how to Think BIG and Kick Ass in Business and Life.

Considering his main source of income, you’d think Trump would write a book about his vision of architecture, or at least a how-to manual about building soulless, inhuman glass-and-steel obelisks everywhere from Fifth Avenue to the Bosphorus. We suppose that will have to be left to some future architecture critic or historian.

Anyway: Think BIG and Kick Ass in Business and Life. This 2007 book was written as an advice manual for people who need that extra push to start thinking BIG and kicking ass. Donald loves Bigness in all its forms! Well, not China or OPEC, which are really big but sinister. That’s okay, though, because Donald will SO kick China’s ass when he becomes president and cut out the OPEC middleman by confiscating Iraq’s oil (something that has never been attempted in human history).

Donald didn’t “write” Think BIG in a strict and literal sense; the book is actually a transcription of various talks and Q-and-A sessions he’s done over the years. Time to sample some of the great man’s word usage? Yes.

Donald on real estate:

My main thing is real estate. I love the suits, I love the ties, I love the shirts, but my big thing is real estate…I’m building all over the world right now and that’s the thing I love the most. …people know that when they are buying one of my buildings, it is a great building. I’m all about quality. It doesn’t have to be the highest building, but it has to be the best quality building. I’m all about quality.

Donald’s tips on When to Buy:

I don’t want to buy in a hot market. I want to go into a dead shit market. This is the time to start thinking about buying. I really made a lot of money. I really understand real estate…

Sure to cause problems for patriotic voters is this worrying passage:

Every country in the world is in Cuba right now, except the United States. Castro is old and sick. I looked at him the other day on television. I said, “Man! That guy is tough. He doesn’t die!” Cuba’s going to be an amazing story in the coming years. I think it’s time we start thinking a little bit differently about Cuba, because certainly every other country is.

But what about American Exceptionalism, boss? Also: Surely your reviewer isn’t the only one to detect a note of admiration for the old dictator in the “That guy is tough” line? Does Donald Trump want to gay-marry Fidel Castro or just live with him in the inevitable-in-the-near-future Trump Tower development in Havana? Or is this simply CONCLUSIVE PROOF that Donald Trump’s comb-over was born in Cuba?

Trump has used words in many other bestsellers, but we haven’t the energy to review all of them right now. Perhaps when his Presidential campaign really gets going.

Think BIG and Kick Ass in Business and Life by Donald Trump and Bill Zanker (?), HarperBusiness, 384 pages, $17.79

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  1. Barbara_i

    I was just combing over "The Donald's" steak website. They have a product listing for: "fancy pork chops" there. Who came up with that name, his five year-old kid, Barron? Anyway, there is a guide to help you to defrost their meat that suggests that you put the meat on the bottom rack of your fridge and then put it on the kitchen counter to finish thawing. There wasn't an 800 number to call for advice once you get a searing case of the "Trump-dumps" from the bacteria that will be swimming in your colon from unsafe food handling. First rule of business: don't kill your customers.

      1. UpFistTroll

        The downfister is an automated script; there's no point in acknowledging its existence other than upfisting to cancel it out.

    1. tessiee

      "First rule of business: don't kill your customers."


      I thought the first rule of business is that we don't talk about…
      Oh, wait — that's Fight Club.
      My bad.

  2. Ruhe

    "Does Donald Trump want to gay-marry Fidel Castro or just live with him in the inevitable-in-the-near-future Trump Tower development in Havana?"

    No, the Kick-Ass Donald just won't allow his foreign policy to be dictated by a small group of people in South Florida who he's sure probably work in one of his Hotels anyway.

  3. Goonemeritus

    “I don’t want to buy in a hot market. I want to go into a dead shit market.”

    Hence his decision to join this group of Republican's now entertaining us with their attempts to become POTUS.

    1. mavenmaven

      Darn, you beat me to it. I guess I didn't enter this particular D.S. market swiftly enough :)

    1. UpFistTroll

      More like "move all assets into overseas shelters, go bankrupt, move assets back, repeat."

  4. ifthethunderdontgetya

    Considering his main source of income, you’d think Trump would write a book about his vision of architecture, or at least a how-to manual about building soulless, inhuman glass-and-steel obelisks everywhere from Fifth Avenue to the Bosphorus "How to be born into a billionaire's family".

  5. Hatrabbit

    I love the sweatpants, I love Mom's basement, I love the cheetos, but my big thing is unemployment checks.

  6. CapeClod

    At least with Trump we won't invade countries anymore. We'll just buy land in other countries and put up hideous, tacky buildings.

    1. poncho_pilot

      "At least with Trump we won't invade countries with our military anymore. We'll just land the army corps of engineers in other countries and put up hideous, tacky buildings."


  7. jus_wonderin

    That cover with The Donald's open mouth is missing a Koch.

    BTW: Trump is the new Sarah.

    1. ttommyunger

      I have never seen a portrayal of this person in any media with his torn-pocket of a mouth closed.

  8. mavenmaven

    Trump wants to build casinos and hotels in Cuba, so that there can be revolution again.
    I suppose he wants Lansky's old job in the Batista regime.

  9. Ruhe

    The beauty of that situation is that of all the potential male candidates the Donald would be the least capable of suppressing his latent misogyny. I can easily imagine him responding to some weighty thought from Palin by saying "Honey, would you go get me a cup of coffee while I set everyone straight on that topic?"

  10. V572..whatever

    "When I go into a market, it turns to dead shit."

    These are the words people in Atlantic City are seeing when they read "his" "book."

    1. SorosBot

      Well the non-casino parts of Atlantic City have turned to dead shit, so he's right on that I guess.

      1. V572..whatever

        No no! Redevelopment doesn’t just siphon money from one area to another, it generates wealth spontaneously! So we must lavish tax breaks on developers at every opportunity.

  11. SorosBot

    Does he give advice on how to parlay being an obnoxious media clown and blowhard onto getting your own TV show? Or exactly how old is too old for a wife, indicating it's time to dump her for a newer model?

  12. GhostBuggy

    I, for one, would like to see proof that Trump was NOT born in Cuba. His grandparents obviously forged that one certificate he released!

  13. JustPixelz

    Methinks you've discovered his campaign slogan. You need to trademark that puppy faster the Sarah Palin™ can tweet the letter "T". Otherwise the Trumpette will be forced to use some lame play on "You're Fired!".

    1. tessiee

      Is Ronnie the Limo Driver any relation to Bernie X, the NYC cab driver from the National Lampoon stories?

      1. Fukui_sanYesOta

        Donald, has only got one ball
        Boehner, has two but very small
        Omney, sold his for money
        And Walker has no balls at all

  14. SayItWithWookies

    I’m all about quality. It doesn’t have to be the highest building, but it has to be the best quality building.

    Quality to Trump means having a ten-story marble waterfall in the atrium cluttered with gold-leafed cherubim. If he's such a frickin' genius how come he doesn't know how to be tasteful?

  15. mrpuma2u

    Holy crap. The looney toons on the right love this guy, and I think he knows how to talk to them. He will crap out in debates though, as I am fairly sure he is completely incapable of being civil for more than 5 minutes at a time.

  16. JustPixelz

    "Think BIG and Kick Ass in Business and Life"

    I really should read this. I've always wanted to Kick Ass in Life. A life lived without kicking an ass, is a life not lived.

    Especially in business dealings. LIke if I buy something and it doesn't work, I bring it back. A lame-o stores will give me a credit or a refund. An ass kicking store wouldn't do that. An ass kicking store would kick my ass, thereby insuring my loyalty as a customer.

    And in Life, when my family says stop drinking, using drugs and spending all day on wonkette … well, a lame-o libural would engage in some self-improvement. But an ass kicker would kick his family's collective ass, thereby keeping them from leaving the compound.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      My boss was joking around one day and said "If you don't get that Statement of Work done by this afternoon, I'll kick your ass!" and I thought, what a great business seminar topic, Personnel Management Through Physical Intimidation. "If you don't have that cost estimate done and done right by COB tomorrow, I'm-a put my fist down your fucking throat!" It sure would make a day at the office more interesting.

      1. BlueStateLibel

        Now, now, we don't need to get hostile in the workplace–that's what we have guns for.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Oh yeah — remember horrible pestilence Omarosa? She inflicted herself on reality via The Apprentice, though she's at least had the good sense to drop out of sight recently (and hopefully forever).
      So yeah, he's cool with The Blacks. Not that any of them have ever won Apprentice, but he'll at least let them play. A veritable Martin Luther King, that Mr. Trump.

  17. x111e7thst

    That Castro guy sure has great hair. Maybe it's time for the US to think differently about a country that has an old guy with such great hair.

  18. JustPixelz

    His skin is so thin, it makes a supermodel look like a TP'er.

    It's so thin, most people can see right through him. Repubicans can't 'cause they need to go to the Lenscrafters of Lenscrafters.

    It's so thin, his ideas look substantial.

  19. crybabyboehner

    The problem with Cuba is that their coral reefs aren't dying fast enough. We need to get down there and build some cruise ship terminals, quick.

    Also, quality combover, dude!

  20. philpjfry

    I know this is all a big joke and Trump is whoring for the attention. But, for the first time in my life, I am praying for a man to die. Go to Hell Donald and take your hair back where it came from.

  21. aguacatero

    Much as it takes a tough man to make a tender chicken, so too does it make a "short-fingered" man to be such a collosal dick.

  22. aguacatero

    Who better to guide America into bankruptcy than the man who has personified every possible kind of bankruptcy for decades?

  23. Jerri

    His lips always look like a dried up asshole.

    Sorry to be crass, but it's always bothered me and this is as fine a place as any to say so.

  24. HamsterSandwich

    OR,- – – – "I'll Kiss The Tip: How I FINALLY Blew Through Daddy's Money . . . The Trump Way!"

    Lifted this from somewhere, can't remember. . . . .

    1. Jukesgrrl

      I have a special distain in my heart for business leaders who don't understand that the word "quality" is not synonymous with "good quality."

  25. ttommyunger

    And tacky. I know that's already been said, but considering who we're talking about here, in can't be overemphasized.

  26. ttommyunger

    Quality? Mr. Trump, you know expensive, you know garish, you know crass, you know crap; but you sir, wouldn't know quality if it walked up, offered its hand and then kicked you in your raisins. Which is, frankly, what I dream of doing.

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