Incorporating Washington Post Book World.How does thin-skinned teevee star Donald Trump spend his time when he’s not disfiguring skylines and signing prenups? As he recently told the world, he “has written many bestsellers,” so presumably he spends a fair amount of time engaged in “word usage.” We’ve conducted a literary investigation to determine what this word usage is like. Turns out Donald has written books on all kinds of subjects: a “guide” to getting rich, a treatise on golf and, best of all, a manual on how to Think BIG and Kick Ass in Business and Life.

Considering his main source of income, you’d think Trump would write a book about his vision of architecture, or at least a how-to manual about building soulless, inhuman glass-and-steel obelisks everywhere from Fifth Avenue to the Bosphorus. We suppose that will have to be left to some future architecture critic or historian.

Anyway: Think BIG and Kick Ass in Business and Life. This 2007 book was written as an advice manual for people who need that extra push to start thinking BIG and kicking ass. Donald loves Bigness in all its forms! Well, not China or OPEC, which are really big but sinister. That’s okay, though, because Donald will SO kick China’s ass when he becomes president and cut out the OPEC middleman by confiscating Iraq’s oil (something that has never been attempted in human history).

Donald didn’t “write” Think BIG in a strict and literal sense; the book is actually a transcription of various talks and Q-and-A sessions he’s done over the years. Time to sample some of the great man’s word usage? Yes.

Donald on real estate:

My main thing is real estate. I love the suits, I love the ties, I love the shirts, but my big thing is real estate…I’m building all over the world right now and that’s the thing I love the most. …people know that when they are buying one of my buildings, it is a great building. I’m all about quality. It doesn’t have to be the highest building, but it has to be the best quality building. I’m all about quality.

Donald’s tips on When to Buy:

I don’t want to buy in a hot market. I want to go into a dead shit market. This is the time to start thinking about buying. I really made a lot of money. I really understand real estate…

Sure to cause problems for patriotic voters is this worrying passage:

Every country in the world is in Cuba right now, except the United States. Castro is old and sick. I looked at him the other day on television. I said, “Man! That guy is tough. He doesn’t die!” Cuba’s going to be an amazing story in the coming years. I think it’s time we start thinking a little bit differently about Cuba, because certainly every other country is.

But what about American Exceptionalism, boss? Also: Surely your reviewer isn’t the only one to detect a note of admiration for the old dictator in the “That guy is tough” line? Does Donald Trump want to gay-marry Fidel Castro or just live with him in the inevitable-in-the-near-future Trump Tower development in Havana? Or is this simply CONCLUSIVE PROOF that Donald Trump’s comb-over was born in Cuba?

Trump has used words in many other bestsellers, but we haven’t the energy to review all of them right now. Perhaps when his Presidential campaign really gets going.

Think BIG and Kick Ass in Business and Life by Donald Trump and Bill Zanker (?), HarperBusiness, 384 pages, $17.79

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  • Barbara_i

    I was just combing over "The Donald's" steak website. They have a product listing for: "fancy pork chops" there. Who came up with that name, his five year-old kid, Barron? Anyway, there is a guide to help you to defrost their meat that suggests that you put the meat on the bottom rack of your fridge and then put it on the kitchen counter to finish thawing. There wasn't an 800 number to call for advice once you get a searing case of the "Trump-dumps" from the bacteria that will be swimming in your colon from unsafe food handling. First rule of business: don't kill your customers.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I wonder if them "fancy pork chops" are halal/kosher?

    • WinterOuthouse

      Don't be a fraidy cat. What's a few bacterial slugs among friends?

    • Radio_Level_7

      So that's what's the matter with the downfister!

      • UpFistTroll

        The downfister is an automated script; there's no point in acknowledging its existence other than upfisting to cancel it out.

        • Radio_Level_7

          Hence an upfist for you and your awesome moniker..

    • ZombieForceD

      combing over… ha

    • SorosBot

      "I was just combing over "The Donald's" steak website."

      I see what you did there.

    • fuflans

      steak? is there anything this huckster doesn't peddle?

      • Fukui_sanYesOta

        Sanity, I think.

    • tessiee

      "First rule of business: don't kill your customers."


      I thought the first rule of business is that we don't talk about…
      Oh, wait — that's Fight Club.
      My bad.

  • chicken_thief

    I think Hyman Roth beat the Donald to the "Havana will be GREAT!" line….

    • FNMA

      We could be bigger than U.S. Steel!

    • johnnymeatworth

      The things that we do here will make history, Michael….

  • backbaconzgood

    Now that's some Quality TP!

  • Ruhe

    "Does Donald Trump want to gay-marry Fidel Castro or just live with him in the inevitable-in-the-near-future Trump Tower development in Havana?"

    No, the Kick-Ass Donald just won't allow his foreign policy to be dictated by a small group of people in South Florida who he's sure probably work in one of his Hotels anyway.

  • Goonemeritus

    “I don’t want to buy in a hot market. I want to go into a dead shit market.”

    Hence his decision to join this group of Republican's now entertaining us with their attempts to become POTUS.

    • mavenmaven

      Darn, you beat me to it. I guess I didn't enter this particular D.S. market swiftly enough :)

  • DownFist Troll

    Trump: here's how you make da monies. Don't go bankrupt.

    • But going into debt you can't repay is Trumpette's specialty. That's why he's perfect to follow in Reagan & Dubya's bootsteps.

    • UpFistTroll

      More like "move all assets into overseas shelters, go bankrupt, move assets back, repeat."

  • Hatrabbit

    Don bought his hairpiece in the "Dead Shit Market"

    Killer Deal.

  • WinterOuthouse

    Will Donald give me advice on when to pop the boil on my ass?

    • DaRooster

      Right before it starts combing its hair over to the side.

      • samsuncle

        Too bad I can only give you one up-fist for that comment.

    • James Michael Curley

      That's Rush Limbaugh's territory.

    • ttommyunger

      Trump IS the boil on our ass!

  • arihaya

    and here i thought Trump is all about bankruptcy ….

  • Hatrabbit

    Donald's Tips on Trophy Wives: "Dream it, and you can screw it."

    • Wadisay

      Like Marla Maples. Marla Maples didn't have the biggest tits in the world, just the best.

      • Lascauxcaveman


  • Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    To be fair, venality, vanity and vulgarity are qualities.

  • Considering his main source of income, you’d think Trump would write a book about his vision of architecture, or at least a how-to manual about building soulless, inhuman glass-and-steel obelisks everywhere from Fifth Avenue to the Bosphorus "How to be born into a billionaire's family".

  • Hatrabbit

    I love the sweatpants, I love Mom's basement, I love the cheetos, but my big thing is unemployment checks.

  • Mumbletypeg

    Surely he meant Tank Big and Kiss Ass?

    • backbaconzgood

      Big Ass Think Kick

      (it's not really a snark but I think it sounds funny)

      • mereoblivion

        Also sounds like a dance move from Chorus Line.

  • Donald is all about quality? If so he should really fire his hair dresser and skin colorist.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    His quote about Castro is probably from, like, 1992.

  • CapeClod

    At least with Trump we won't invade countries anymore. We'll just buy land in other countries and put up hideous, tacky buildings.

    • poncho_pilot

      "At least with Trump we won't invade countries with our military anymore. We'll just land the army corps of engineers in other countries and put up hideous, tacky buildings."


  • pinkocommi

    "Donald loves Bigness in all its forms! "

    Especially boobs.

  • To him 'quality' must equal garish and dated.

  • Hatrabbit

    Trump stories always make me reconsider my disdain for Michele Bachmann.

  • Think the tea party crowd is going to appreciate his four-letter use of the American language?

  • jus_wonderin

    That cover with The Donald's open mouth is missing a Koch.

    BTW: Trump is the new Sarah.

    • ttommyunger

      I have never seen a portrayal of this person in any media with his torn-pocket of a mouth closed.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    On the cover, is Donald doing the "Dean Scream?"

  • bureaucrap

    actually, that's pretty much true.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Dick-shaped mouth he has, there.

  • poncho_pilot

    "i used to make a living by picking the banana. hurray for Havana."

  • Barbara_i

    Barron William Trump.

    • Rosie_Scenario

      And daughter (with ex-wife, Marla) is Tiffany. Classy, quality, and real estate.

      • natoslug

        Nothing says classy like naming your kid after an ugly lamp.

        • LetUsBray

          That's why my son's name is Fragile, pronounced Frah-JEE-lay.

          • natoslug

            My daughter, Thi Sendup, is jealous.

  • prommie

    Klassy with a "K." Donald J. Trump defines "craptacular."

  • Barbara_i

    Downfister is awake and full of beans.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I think there are two of them! Aieee!

    • tessiee

      Is THAT what I smell?

  • mavenmaven

    Trump wants to build casinos and hotels in Cuba, so that there can be revolution again.
    I suppose he wants Lansky's old job in the Batista regime.

  • Ruhe

    The beauty of that situation is that of all the potential male candidates the Donald would be the least capable of suppressing his latent misogyny. I can easily imagine him responding to some weighty thought from Palin by saying "Honey, would you go get me a cup of coffee while I set everyone straight on that topic?"

  • harry_palmer

    Donald is all about quality – appallingly bad, tacky quality.

  • V572..whatever

    "When I go into a market, it turns to dead shit."

    These are the words people in Atlantic City are seeing when they read "his" "book."

    • SorosBot

      Well the non-casino parts of Atlantic City have turned to dead shit, so he's right on that I guess.

      • V572..whatever

        No no! Redevelopment doesn’t just siphon money from one area to another, it generates wealth spontaneously! So we must lavish tax breaks on developers at every opportunity.

  • trumpbly_joe

    Donald Trump is a BIG douchebag.

  • SorosBot

    Does he give advice on how to parlay being an obnoxious media clown and blowhard onto getting your own TV show? Or exactly how old is too old for a wife, indicating it's time to dump her for a newer model?

  • johnnymeatworth

    Goodwill will have it in six months, don't worry.

  • GhostBuggy

    I, for one, would like to see proof that Trump was NOT born in Cuba. His grandparents obviously forged that one certificate he released!

  • Methinks you've discovered his campaign slogan. You need to trademark that puppy faster the Sarah Palin™ can tweet the letter "T". Otherwise the Trumpette will be forced to use some lame play on "You're Fired!".

  • Lucidamente1

    Will the 1980s never end?

  • prommie

    He is Ronnie the Limo Driver with money; just as eloquent and sophistocated.

    • tessiee

      Is Ronnie the Limo Driver any relation to Bernie X, the NYC cab driver from the National Lampoon stories?

  • Lascauxcaveman

    You got a pretty good aim?

    • LiveToServeYa

      Especially necessary since there's only one.

      • Fukui_sanYesOta

        Donald, has only got one ball
        Boehner, has two but very small
        Omney, sold his for money
        And Walker has no balls at all

  • AutomaticPilot

    So thin, yet still so orange…

  • SayItWithWookies

    I’m all about quality. It doesn’t have to be the highest building, but it has to be the best quality building.

    Quality to Trump means having a ten-story marble waterfall in the atrium cluttered with gold-leafed cherubim. If he's such a frickin' genius how come he doesn't know how to be tasteful?

  • mrpuma2u

    Holy crap. The looney toons on the right love this guy, and I think he knows how to talk to them. He will crap out in debates though, as I am fairly sure he is completely incapable of being civil for more than 5 minutes at a time.

  • "Think BIG and Kick Ass in Business and Life"

    I really should read this. I've always wanted to Kick Ass in Life. A life lived without kicking an ass, is a life not lived.

    Especially in business dealings. LIke if I buy something and it doesn't work, I bring it back. A lame-o stores will give me a credit or a refund. An ass kicking store wouldn't do that. An ass kicking store would kick my ass, thereby insuring my loyalty as a customer.

    And in Life, when my family says stop drinking, using drugs and spending all day on wonkette … well, a lame-o libural would engage in some self-improvement. But an ass kicker would kick his family's collective ass, thereby keeping them from leaving the compound.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      My boss was joking around one day and said "If you don't get that Statement of Work done by this afternoon, I'll kick your ass!" and I thought, what a great business seminar topic, Personnel Management Through Physical Intimidation. "If you don't have that cost estimate done and done right by COB tomorrow, I'm-a put my fist down your fucking throat!" It sure would make a day at the office more interesting.

      • BlueStateLibel

        Now, now, we don't need to get hostile in the workplace–that's what we have guns for.


    The just in: Trump says he has a 'Great Relationship with the blacks.'

    Now if we could only find the official spokesman for the blacks, we could get confirmation.

    • He has such a good relationship with the blacks they let him call them 'the blacks'.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Oh yeah — remember horrible pestilence Omarosa? She inflicted herself on reality via The Apprentice, though she's at least had the good sense to drop out of sight recently (and hopefully forever).
      So yeah, he's cool with The Blacks. Not that any of them have ever won Apprentice, but he'll at least let them play. A veritable Martin Luther King, that Mr. Trump.

    • "Oh great, a president for the special interests and not Real Americans"

      –anonymous white suburbistani claiming to speak on behalf of the Tea Party

  • x111e7thst

    That Castro guy sure has great hair. Maybe it's time for the US to think differently about a country that has an old guy with such great hair.

  • His skin is so thin, it makes a supermodel look like a TP'er.

    It's so thin, most people can see right through him. Repubicans can't 'cause they need to go to the Lenscrafters of Lenscrafters.

    It's so thin, his ideas look substantial.

  • DashboardTrombone

    I read a sample of that on my Kindle and my Kindle threw up.

  • crybabyboehner

    The problem with Cuba is that their coral reefs aren't dying fast enough. We need to get down there and build some cruise ship terminals, quick.

    Also, quality combover, dude!

  • philpjfry

    I know this is all a big joke and Trump is whoring for the attention. But, for the first time in my life, I am praying for a man to die. Go to Hell Donald and take your hair back where it came from.

  • BZ1

    Oh yeah, when you think of quality, you think the Donald…

  • chascates

    Making Silvio Berlusconi look like Nelson Mandela.

  • aguacatero

    Much as it takes a tough man to make a tender chicken, so too does it make a "short-fingered" man to be such a collosal dick.

  • aguacatero

    Who better to guide America into bankruptcy than the man who has personified every possible kind of bankruptcy for decades?

  • Jerri

    His lips always look like a dried up asshole.

    Sorry to be crass, but it's always bothered me and this is as fine a place as any to say so.

    • ttommyunger

      No apologies needed! Excellent description of an unpleasant subject.

    • tessiee

      An actual asshole at least serves a constructive purpose.

  • HamsterSandwich

    OR,- – – – "I'll Kiss The Tip: How I FINALLY Blew Through Daddy's Money . . . The Trump Way!"

    Lifted this from somewhere, can't remember. . . . .

  • zhubajie

    All about low quality

    • Jukesgrrl

      I have a special distain in my heart for business leaders who don't understand that the word "quality" is not synonymous with "good quality."

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    Think Big and Fist Up

  • ttommyunger

    And tacky. I know that's already been said, but considering who we're talking about here, in can't be overemphasized.

  • ttommyunger

    Quality? Mr. Trump, you know expensive, you know garish, you know crass, you know crap; but you sir, wouldn't know quality if it walked up, offered its hand and then kicked you in your raisins. Which is, frankly, what I dream of doing.

  • tessiee

    Please, I beg of you, don't make me picture his skin… OR his innards.

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