madam i'm adam too hot to hoot

Subterranean Romney Blues

Ah get born, keep warm Short pants, romance, learn to dance Get dressed, get blessed Try to be a successOn this dumb American night when Tracy Morgan is announcing his exploratory committee and an “anal sex joke” named Rick Santorum still gets Campaign 2012 news coverage, let’s all remember poor little rich boy Mitt Romney. He’s been running for president since approximately 1965, which was just about when Maureen Dowd first heard “Subterranean Homesick Blues” and freaked the hell out because Dylan “went electric” and also hired Chairman Mao to play the Hammond B-3 organ. Mitt Romney did not care for the radical-socialist peace-nik culture, however. He did not care for this at all! The America of 1965 was such an assault on Mitt’s delicate sensibilities that he moved to France in 1966. This is completely true and a tragically forgotten part of The Mitt Romney Story.

Six-time losers ....Romney moved to Paris in 1966, and lived in France until 1968 — some of the heaviest, sexiest years of a very revolutionary decade in a very French country. Mitt even speaks fluent French, obviously.

But did Mitt get busy with Brigitte Bardot? Did he man the barricades with the student left? Nah. Mitt Romney just walked around like a square for two years, trying to sell his folksy no-coffee no-anal American lifestyle to the French, who thought it was all some kind of brilliant new-wave deadpan satire. (Nope. Just Mormonism!)

But to celebrate his already forgotten campaign announcement video, in which he dumbly held up a sign so that webtards could substitute various funny messages,, here is the original “Subterranean Homesick Blues” promotional film (that’s Allen Ginsberg just hanging out on the left) followed by the almost as good parody by Weird Al.

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

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142 comments

  1. Barbara_i

    Mitt isn't into anal? Maybe it is for the best. Sometimes it's hard enough for us gals to keep the front room "nice enough for company", if ya know what I mean. It's not like we can keep the Christmas lights up year-round.

    1. CalamityJames

      Not only have you won the future, but this entire blog can be shipped to Afghanistan, no one has lost any.

      You must be so excited.

    2. Radio_Level_7

      I don't know about the lights, but there is nothing wrong with keeping the trimming year-round.

    3. mereoblivion

      I've yet to meet a gal whose front room wasn't perfectly nice enough for my company, Barb, regardless of how long since she had trotted out the French maid outfit, if YA know what I mean and at this point I'm not even sure I do.

    1. Numbat_Dundee

      Boring, hysterical, clothed,
      Dragging themselves through the milk-white streets at dawn looking for their Mormon shorts,
      Mannequin-headed robots claiming an ancient heavenly connection
      To an American Jeebus and the machinery of the right
      Who trust funds and 'taters and shallow eyed and high sat
      Up smoking in the supernatural darkness
      Of corporate donors floating across the tops of cities
      Contemplating deals
      Which was all ok until they got to the bit about
      "Alcohol and cock and endless balls"
      To which they protested that they were good Mormons and
      Referred Mr Ginsberg to a bunch of other Republicans
      Who knew about that stuff.

    2. mereoblivion

      Howl, howl, howl! O, you are men of stone:
      Had I your underpants I'd use them so
      That Brigham's vault should crack.

      1. Noisette76

        Thank you, thank you for quoting "Howl." I love all of you Wonketeers. These are the best minds of the internet (hopefully you aren't ALL starving, hysterical and naked…).

  2. nounverb911

    "Romney moved to Paris in 1966, and lived in France until 1968"
    Is Romney still a quiche eating surrender monkey?

    1. BlueMonkeh

      Only late, late at night….in an airport bathroom stall. Sitting there, eating his quiche, surrendering to….urges.

    1. El Pinche

      ..“anal sex joke” named Rick Santorum…

      "NOT MY SANTORUM!! I'LL SHOW YOU LIBTARDS! THUMBS DOWN!!" *click* *click* *click* … 2 hrs later … *click* *click*

      1. GOPCrusher

        Well, at least they aren't running loose in Arizona shooting nine year old girls or blowing up Federal Buildings.

    1. SorosBot

      A fairly reasonable and decent man, whose primary defeat by Richard Nixon (primarily over his opposition to the war in Vietnam) pretty much sealed the GOP takeover by the lunatic right-wing fringe begun by McCarthy and Goldwater.

      Oh wait, sorry, that's where Mitt Romney came from.

    2. Callyson

      Well, he was saving it as a surprise news item for next year, but now that you ask…now you know who else was born of a virgin…

    3. Radio_Level_7

      After he raped and killed that girl, which he's never denied, he must have "converted."

    4. donner_froh

      Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Bullshit. It looks to me like the best part of Glenn Beck ran down the crack of his mama's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress.

  3. SayItWithWookies

    Well you have to be impressed by the depth of Mitt Romney's faith if he can spend two years in Paris and come back still a Mormon. Also it should be cause for immediate disqualification from public office. Lameness has consequences, Mitt.

    1. Ken Layne

      His faith was actually shaken! First, by the fact that wino French people do not ever convert to Mormonism, and then by actually driving a car that was in a terrible crash that killed some senior members of the French Mormon Mission League or something. It sounds awful.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Wow, what a horrible tragedy for the son of a rich, connected politician. Mitt's daddy must've spent hours yelling at lawyers to get that handled quietly.

        And from what I've read of the Mormon mission experience, most never convert anyone in their two-year stint. Which I guess is great preparation for running for the GOP nomination as a Mormon again.

        1. BerkeleyBear

          From what I know of Mormon kids, the ones who go on mission are either a)such uptight do everything right types that they are gauranteed to turn 99.99 percent of the people they preach to away from Mormonism (and that last 0.01 percent is Glen Beck) or b) kids of connected and/or rich members who are doing it because it helps in the Church hierarchy and couldn't give two shits about converting anyone. The latter group is more fun, as it becomes sort of like the Mormon answer to rumspringa (sp).

          1. Noisette76

            I lived in France for a bit (in the late 90's, not the 60's…) and dated a guy who repeatedly expressed the French disgust for Mormon missionaries. According to Ludo, all French dudes know that the missionaries are REALLY there to score some French tail (thus denying French dudes what should rightfully be their's). Wonder if Romney was guilty of such sin?

      2. JustPixelz

        WOW, didn't know that.

        Romney, who was seriously injured in the crash and was momentarily feared dead, has long said there was nothing he could have done to avoid the tragedy.

        Does this mean he has a French birth certificate for his reincarnation after the crash?

        1. BerkeleyBear

          Actually I think this qualifies him to be a Republican First Lady, but that's about it.

        2. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

          Poor Mitt's life probably passed before his eyes, allowing him to quietly nod off.

    2. harry_palmer

      Well you have to be impressed by the depth of Mitt Romney's faith …

      Or the shallowness of his intellect.

    3. riverside68

      Having grow up near enough to mormon country to know a few, I say: The bigger the front the bigger the back.
      They lapse frequently in matters large and small, but the lapses are overlooked or used as 're-commit' material.
      I'm saying just cause he came back a momon doesn't mean he didn't go native, at least some of the time.

    4. Steverino247

      Conversions surprise the "elders" when they occur because that's not the reason they're sent on missions. They're really sent to toughen them up against the world, reinforce the belief system and to give the athletes another year or two to condition themselves and beat the NCAA rules. If you fail at the mission (i.e., have a good time or fuck the natives) then you can't move up the Mormon food chain.

  4. Steverino247

    I think Weird Al should sue Sarah Palin because she's obviously stealing his act every time she speaks.

    1. JustPixelz

      WRONG! Weird Al wrote his remarks on paper, Sarah Palin™ writes her remarks on her hand. Also Weird Al is a colorful character who's video is in black-and-white, while Sarah Palin™ has no character and sees the world in black-and-white.

  5. SorosBot

    Well, my telephone rang it would not stop
    It's President Kennedy callin' me up
    He said, "My friend, Bob, what do we need to make the country grow" ?
    I said, "My friend, John, "Brigitte Bardot,
    Anita Ekberg
    Sophia Loren"
    Country'll grow.

  6. OkieDokieDog

    Where's the sign that says: FREE MITTENS ?

    Or better yet, a sign with: FREE Bradley Manning!

    1. OkieDokieDog

      How about: FREE Mittens, to a good home

      I think he could be standing in a Walmart parking lot.

  7. facehead

    Glancing at a chalkboard today, I saw that someone had misspelled 'Bob Dylan' ('Bob Dilan')–I aged six years in six seconds.

    This oldz needz a hug.

    1. undeterredbyreality

      I force my (college level) students to watch it every year, making the argument that it's really the first rap video.

      1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

        I knew a man, his brain was so small,
        He couldn't think of nothing at all.
        He's not the same as you and me.
        He doesn't dig poetry. He's so unhip that
        When you say Dylan, he thinks you're talking about Dylan Thomas,
        Whoever he was.
        The man ain't got no culture,
        But it's alright, ma,
        Everybody must get stoned.

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      Do chalkboards still exist outside of Glenn Beck's ex-TV studio? I thought all the youngs used whiteboards now.

  8. Mumbletypeg

    Not sure if it qualifies as parody, but me having arrived somewhat after the Dylan curve, I originally thought it was these guys who came up with the above video concept first.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Well, we didn't have MTV back in the day either, so in order to watch Dylan's video we all had to gather at the student union and watch it being projected on a bedsheet by a Super 8 film projector. Good times!

    2. WordSaladNation

      Aaah, my favorite INXS song! Did you know that they're planning on doing a biopic AND a musical based on Michael Hutchence's life? Exciting! Maybe Mittens could play him!

  9. usernameguy

    I'm kind of embarrassed by how long it took me to figure out what was going on in the Weird Al song.

      1. undeterredbyreality

        Thanks for the Weird Al video, Ken–I'd seen it years ago, but had completely forgotten about it.

    1. bumfug

      I should have known that a French phrase that combines a Talking Heads callback with an earlier post would confuse the downfister so much he'd have to bring his friends in to try (but fail) to explain it to him. Then they'd all get pissed and fist the shit out of me.

  10. Bezoar

    "Well the bricks lay on Grand Street, where the neon madmen climb;
    They all fall there so perfectly, it all seems so well timed.
    And here I sit so patiently, waiting to find out what price
    You have to pay to get out of
    Going through all these things twice."

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Exactly.

        Romney: French-speaking, former resident of France, Governor of Massachusetts, supports universal health-care coverage/purchase ("individual mandate"; egad, horror of horrors).

        Are we sure Romney isn't John Kerry? Check the birth certificate!

  11. OkieDokieDog

    If his trip to Paree had been to check out the art scene and/or score with some French babes, then I'd be okay with it. Not a fan of the proselytizers. So no vote from me, Mittens.

  12. Doktor Zoom

    Gosh, if Mitt just belonged to the other annoying doorknocking cult, we could make a delightfully witty "All Along the Watchtower" pun.

    As it is, I just have to say, assfucking.

  13. undeterredbyreality

    Einstein, disguised as Robin Hood
    With his memories in a trunk
    Passed this way an hour ago
    With his friend, a jealous monk
    He looked so immaculately frightful
    As he bummed a cigarette
    Then he went off sniffing drainpipes
    And reciting the alphabet
    Now you would not think to look at him
    But he was famous long ago
    For playing the electric violin
    On Desolation Row

  14. Radio_Level_7

    At least Mitts wasn't some traitor chickenshit who went to Vietnam, riding around in a cushy, armed yacht in the Mekong delta while earning a few Purple Hearts.

      1. Radio_Level_7

        I was absolutely dumbfounded how they turned that simple fact around in 2004. Somehow, Bush was the brave patriot who never showed up.

  15. pinkocommi

    Like a majority of American voters, I will only vote for Mitt if he agrees to serve out his Presidential term with his shirt off so we can get a good look at those abs and pecs. Or assless chaps are another possibility. Depending on his mood.

    1. Limeylizzie

      I find him numbingly unsexy, I would , however, like to see Sherrod Brown naked ,preferably whispering filth in my ear in that fantastic raspy voice.

        1. Limeylizzie

          Ugh. I bet he tucks in his undershirt and you would have to put a gun to his head in order to get the oral pleasuring.

  16. Negropolis

    I love how Mitt's childhood home in Detroit was demolished. No, but really, that was an architectural loss of a historic mansion.

  17. Come here a minute

    Obama's knee is visible in the "moran" photo! This is a conspiracy to bring french-kenyan muslim-atheism to the White House.

  18. randcoolcatdaddy

    "The America of 1965 was such an assault on Mitt’s delicate sensibilities that he moved to France in 1966."

    The toothpaste was better there.

  19. WinterOuthouse

    He went door to door in black slacks, white shirt, black tie and stack of the Book of Mormon to find a few wives. He has to do this. You see, Elohim is fornicating with His WIVES up in heaven and making spirit babies that need Mormon bodies. See Elohim is soooooo horny that just one wife can not handle all the birthing ans stuff. Mitt, wanting to be a good little Mormon, wants his very own planet to populate when he gets to Mormon heaven. Just like Elohim got earth to populate. So, pretty soon maybe Mitt will be moving to outer space.

  20. riverside68

    Loves me the Layne in the AM. Tracy Morgan, Santorium, Mittens in France in the 60's, classic Dylan, and a B-3 reference! Some of my favorite news and olds, with gossip on stuck up prigs! Be still my heart, (and don't forget the Leslie speaker!)

  21. BlueStateLibel

    So if Romney lived in France, it isn't a far stretch to say he was born in France–thus he is ineligible for the presidency. Show us yer French birf cerificate!

  22. LocalGirlMakesGoo

    "Hello. My name is Bill Henrickson and I believe in the principal of ass-to-mouth."

  23. DemonicRage

    Mitt's dad went to Vietnam, came back, said some things that the Republicans didn't like, then claimed that he had been BRAIN WASHED. Never forget this!!!!! The man comes from a tradition of coming up with bad excuses. Please let him pick the little Quayle for a running mate, so that there will be thematic unity to the ticket: THE APPLE DOESN'T FALL FAR FROM THE TREE duo.

Comments are closed.