MADAM I'M ADAM TOO HOT TO HOOT  12:36 am April 14, 2011

Subterranean Romney Blues

by Ken Layne

Ah get born, keep warm Short pants, romance, learn to dance Get dressed, get blessed Try to be a successOn this dumb American night when Tracy Morgan is announcing his exploratory committee and an “anal sex joke” named Rick Santorum still gets Campaign 2012 news coverage, let’s all remember poor little rich boy Mitt Romney. He’s been running for president since approximately 1965, which was just about when Maureen Dowd first heard “Subterranean Homesick Blues” and freaked the hell out because Dylan “went electric” and also hired Chairman Mao to play the Hammond B-3 organ. Mitt Romney did not care for the radical-socialist peace-nik culture, however. He did not care for this at all! The America of 1965 was such an assault on Mitt’s delicate sensibilities that he moved to France in 1966. This is completely true and a tragically forgotten part of The Mitt Romney Story.

Six-time losers ....Romney moved to Paris in 1966, and lived in France until 1968 — some of the heaviest, sexiest years of a very revolutionary decade in a very French country. Mitt even speaks fluent French, obviously.

But did Mitt get busy with Brigitte Bardot? Did he man the barricades with the student left? Nah. Mitt Romney just walked around like a square for two years, trying to sell his folksy no-coffee no-anal American lifestyle to the French, who thought it was all some kind of brilliant new-wave deadpan satire. (Nope. Just Mormonism!)

But to celebrate his already forgotten campaign announcement video, in which he dumbly held up a sign so that webtards could substitute various funny messages,, here is the original “Subterranean Homesick Blues” promotional film (that’s Allen Ginsberg just hanging out on the left) followed by the almost as good parody by Weird Al.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 142 comments }

Barbara_i April 14, 2011 at 12:41 am

Mitt isn't into anal? Maybe it is for the best. Sometimes it's hard enough for us gals to keep the front room "nice enough for company", if ya know what I mean. It's not like we can keep the Christmas lights up year-round.

Fare la Volpe April 14, 2011 at 1:10 am

So that's where the cooties come from.

CalamityJames April 14, 2011 at 1:38 am

Not only have you won the future, but this entire blog can be shipped to Afghanistan, no one has lost any.

You must be so excited.

Radio_Level_7 April 14, 2011 at 2:14 am

I don't know about the lights, but there is nothing wrong with keeping the trimming year-round.

Zvi_Bleindmeis April 14, 2011 at 8:23 am

Dick the halls, Barb.

mereoblivion April 14, 2011 at 9:25 am

I've yet to meet a gal whose front room wasn't perfectly nice enough for my company, Barb, regardless of how long since she had trotted out the French maid outfit, if YA know what I mean and at this point I'm not even sure I do.

GuanoFaucet April 14, 2011 at 12:44 am

I saw the best minds of my generation bored by Mittness.

Doktor Zoom April 14, 2011 at 1:28 am

I saw the worst bands of my generation applied by magic marker to drywall….

Numbat_Dundee April 14, 2011 at 8:10 am

Boring, hysterical, clothed,
Dragging themselves through the milk-white streets at dawn looking for their Mormon shorts,
Mannequin-headed robots claiming an ancient heavenly connection
To an American Jeebus and the machinery of the right
Who trust funds and 'taters and shallow eyed and high sat
Up smoking in the supernatural darkness
Of corporate donors floating across the tops of cities
Contemplating deals
Which was all ok until they got to the bit about
"Alcohol and cock and endless balls"
To which they protested that they were good Mormons and
Referred Mr Ginsberg to a bunch of other Republicans
Who knew about that stuff.

mereoblivion April 14, 2011 at 9:30 am

Howl, howl, howl! O, you are men of stone:
Had I your underpants I'd use them so
That Brigham's vault should crack.

Noisette76 April 14, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Thank you, thank you for quoting "Howl." I love all of you Wonketeers. These are the best minds of the internet (hopefully you aren't ALL starving, hysterical and naked…).

__kth__ April 14, 2011 at 4:51 pm

2 outta 3 ain't bad?

johnnymeatworth April 14, 2011 at 10:12 am

In an Amish Paradise…

nounverb911 April 14, 2011 at 12:44 am

"Romney moved to Paris in 1966, and lived in France until 1968"
Is Romney still a quiche eating surrender monkey?

BlueMonkeh April 14, 2011 at 8:22 am

Only late, late at night….in an airport bathroom stall. Sitting there, eating his quiche, surrendering to….urges.

memzilla April 14, 2011 at 12:45 am

MMM-Boy! Midnight Troll Bait! Thanks, Ken!

El Pinche April 14, 2011 at 9:47 am

..“anal sex joke” named Rick Santorum…

"NOT MY SANTORUM!! I'LL SHOW YOU LIBTARDS! THUMBS DOWN!!" *click* *click* *click* … 2 hrs later … *click* *click*

GOPCrusher April 14, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Well, at least they aren't running loose in Arizona shooting nine year old girls or blowing up Federal Buildings.

rambone April 14, 2011 at 12:45 am

I don't get it. If Mormons don't have anal sex, where did Glenn Beck come from?

GuanoFaucet April 14, 2011 at 12:47 am

Hell.

nounverb911 April 14, 2011 at 12:48 am
emmelemm April 14, 2011 at 12:53 am

I admit that made me laugh.

memzilla April 14, 2011 at 1:04 am

Didn't he come from Ooze-beckistan?

SorosBot April 14, 2011 at 1:05 am

A fairly reasonable and decent man, whose primary defeat by Richard Nixon (primarily over his opposition to the war in Vietnam) pretty much sealed the GOP takeover by the lunatic right-wing fringe begun by McCarthy and Goldwater.

Oh wait, sorry, that's where Mitt Romney came from.

Callyson April 14, 2011 at 1:30 am

Well, he was saving it as a surprise news item for next year, but now that you ask…now you know who else was born of a virgin…

Radio_Level_7 April 14, 2011 at 1:44 am

After he raped and killed that girl, which he's never denied, he must have "converted."

donner_froh April 14, 2011 at 1:47 am

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Bullshit. It looks to me like the best part of Glenn Beck ran down the crack of his mama's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress.

Negropolis April 14, 2011 at 3:00 am

Ok, that genuinely made me laugh out loud.

Numbat_Dundee April 14, 2011 at 8:11 am

I don't know. But I bet your avatar played a role.

SayItWithWookies April 14, 2011 at 12:52 am

Well you have to be impressed by the depth of Mitt Romney's faith if he can spend two years in Paris and come back still a Mormon. Also it should be cause for immediate disqualification from public office. Lameness has consequences, Mitt.

Ken Layne April 14, 2011 at 1:17 am

His faith was actually shaken! First, by the fact that wino French people do not ever convert to Mormonism, and then by actually driving a car that was in a terrible crash that killed some senior members of the French Mormon Mission League or something. It sounds awful.

SayItWithWookies April 14, 2011 at 1:50 am

Wow, what a horrible tragedy for the son of a rich, connected politician. Mitt's daddy must've spent hours yelling at lawyers to get that handled quietly.

And from what I've read of the Mormon mission experience, most never convert anyone in their two-year stint. Which I guess is great preparation for running for the GOP nomination as a Mormon again.

BerkeleyBear April 14, 2011 at 9:42 am

From what I know of Mormon kids, the ones who go on mission are either a)such uptight do everything right types that they are gauranteed to turn 99.99 percent of the people they preach to away from Mormonism (and that last 0.01 percent is Glen Beck) or b) kids of connected and/or rich members who are doing it because it helps in the Church hierarchy and couldn't give two shits about converting anyone. The latter group is more fun, as it becomes sort of like the Mormon answer to rumspringa (sp).

Noisette76 April 14, 2011 at 1:47 pm

I lived in France for a bit (in the late 90's, not the 60's…) and dated a guy who repeatedly expressed the French disgust for Mormon missionaries. According to Ludo, all French dudes know that the missionaries are REALLY there to score some French tail (thus denying French dudes what should rightfully be their's). Wonder if Romney was guilty of such sin?

James Michael Curley April 14, 2011 at 5:43 am

Goes to explain why the French banned importing the Rambler.

JustPixelz April 14, 2011 at 7:48 am

WOW, didn't know that.

Romney, who was seriously injured in the crash and was momentarily feared dead, has long said there was nothing he could have done to avoid the tragedy.

Does this mean he has a French birth certificate for his reincarnation after the crash?

BerkeleyBear April 14, 2011 at 9:43 am

Actually I think this qualifies him to be a Republican First Lady, but that's about it.

horsedreamer_1 April 14, 2011 at 9:49 am

I'm imagining Giuliani & Romney sharing the Oval Office in drag, now. Thanks.

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum April 14, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Poor Mitt's life probably passed before his eyes, allowing him to quietly nod off.

harry_palmer April 14, 2011 at 1:33 am

Well you have to be impressed by the depth of Mitt Romney's faith …

Or the shallowness of his intellect.

JustPixelz April 14, 2011 at 7:44 am

Perhaps he practiced polygamy over there. Just got some practice time in, is all I'm saying.

trampndirtdown April 14, 2011 at 9:05 am

Looking at Mitt… thinking about it… nah.

riverside68 April 14, 2011 at 9:08 am

Having grow up near enough to mormon country to know a few, I say: The bigger the front the bigger the back.
They lapse frequently in matters large and small, but the lapses are overlooked or used as 're-commit' material.
I'm saying just cause he came back a momon doesn't mean he didn't go native, at least some of the time.

horsedreamer_1 April 14, 2011 at 9:50 am

Unless you're black & non-Mormon, black & Mormon, or, sometimes, Polynesian (almost certainly Mormon).
http://deadspin.com/#!5791461

Steverino247 April 14, 2011 at 9:40 am

Conversions surprise the "elders" when they occur because that's not the reason they're sent on missions. They're really sent to toughen them up against the world, reinforce the belief system and to give the athletes another year or two to condition themselves and beat the NCAA rules. If you fail at the mission (i.e., have a good time or fuck the natives) then you can't move up the Mormon food chain.

Steverino247 April 14, 2011 at 12:54 am

I think Weird Al should sue Sarah Palin because she's obviously stealing his act every time she speaks.

LesBontemps April 14, 2011 at 1:08 am

Sarah Palindrome?

JustPixelz April 14, 2011 at 7:43 am

WRONG! Weird Al wrote his remarks on paper, Sarah Palin™ writes her remarks on her hand. Also Weird Al is a colorful character who's video is in black-and-white, while Sarah Palin™ has no character and sees the world in black-and-white.

Steverino247 April 14, 2011 at 9:35 am

The Chair stands corrected and thanks the gentleman for pointing out the error.

smokefilledroommate April 14, 2011 at 12:58 am

Mitt Happens. (Mitt se produit)?

SorosBot April 14, 2011 at 1:02 am

Well, my telephone rang it would not stop
It's President Kennedy callin' me up
He said, "My friend, Bob, what do we need to make the country grow" ?
I said, "My friend, John, "Brigitte Bardot,
Anita Ekberg
Sophia Loren"
Country'll grow.

trampndirtdown April 14, 2011 at 1:05 am

Join the army and fail- not Mitt he's not much of a joiner. It does fit the last few Republican hopefuls though.

OkieDokieDog April 14, 2011 at 1:06 am

Where's the sign that says: FREE MITTENS ?

Or better yet, a sign with: FREE Bradley Manning!

Doktor Zoom April 14, 2011 at 1:11 am

*With purchase of any other political prisoner of equal or greater value.

memzilla April 14, 2011 at 1:16 am

**Offer not good after curfew in Sectors R or N.

Bezoar April 14, 2011 at 1:21 am

Ha! They never come up into the hills! Pass me a groat cluster, would you?

ShaveTheWhales April 14, 2011 at 3:13 am

And follow along as you learn your first words in Turkish.

Fare la Volpe April 14, 2011 at 1:12 am

FREE HAT! FREE HAT!

CrankyLttlCamperette April 14, 2011 at 1:13 am

Where's the sign that says "Fudge!"

OkieDokieDog April 14, 2011 at 1:35 am

How about: FREE Mittens, to a good home

I think he could be standing in a Walmart parking lot.

facehead April 14, 2011 at 1:09 am

Glancing at a chalkboard today, I saw that someone had misspelled 'Bob Dylan' ('Bob Dilan')–I aged six years in six seconds.

This oldz needz a hug.

undeterredbyreality April 14, 2011 at 2:06 am

I force my (college level) students to watch it every year, making the argument that it's really the first rap video.

Guppy06 April 14, 2011 at 2:46 am

You and MoDo, apparently.

ShaveTheWhales April 14, 2011 at 3:15 am

Well, the someone was probably thinking of Dilan Tomas.

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 14, 2011 at 5:53 am

I knew a man, his brain was so small,
He couldn't think of nothing at all.
He's not the same as you and me.
He doesn't dig poetry. He's so unhip that
When you say Dylan, he thinks you're talking about Dylan Thomas,
Whoever he was.
The man ain't got no culture,
But it's alright, ma,
Everybody must get stoned.

BaldarTFlagass April 14, 2011 at 6:56 am

Do chalkboards still exist outside of Glenn Beck's ex-TV studio? I thought all the youngs used whiteboards now.

Mumbletypeg April 14, 2011 at 1:11 am

Not sure if it qualifies as parody, but me having arrived somewhat after the Dylan curve, I originally thought it was these guys who came up with the above video concept first.

Radio_Level_7 April 14, 2011 at 1:48 am

Me too peg.
Does Dylan have long form youtube video proof?

emmelemm April 14, 2011 at 2:22 am

Sigh… {raises hand}

ShaveTheWhales April 14, 2011 at 3:32 am

I think this is what is called an homage.

BlueMonkeh April 14, 2011 at 8:29 am

sounds French

trampndirtdown April 14, 2011 at 9:08 am

i think it means gay cheese.

BaldarTFlagass April 14, 2011 at 7:01 am

Well, we didn't have MTV back in the day either, so in order to watch Dylan's video we all had to gather at the student union and watch it being projected on a bedsheet by a Super 8 film projector. Good times!

WordSaladNation April 14, 2011 at 7:17 am

Aaah, my favorite INXS song! Did you know that they're planning on doing a biopic AND a musical based on Michael Hutchence's life? Exciting! Maybe Mittens could play him!

not that Dewey April 14, 2011 at 10:46 am

As long as they don't change the ending.

mrblifil April 14, 2011 at 9:46 am

Neither did Michael Hutchence invent autoerotic asphyxiation. But he still worked really hard at selling it like his own.

GOPCrusher April 14, 2011 at 12:15 pm

GET OFF MY LAWN!

usernameguy April 14, 2011 at 1:13 am

I'm kind of embarrassed by how long it took me to figure out what was going on in the Weird Al song.

Ken Layne April 14, 2011 at 1:18 am

It's a shocking collection of palindromes.

undeterredbyreality April 14, 2011 at 2:03 am

Thanks for the Weird Al video, Ken–I'd seen it years ago, but had completely forgotten about it.

Zvi_Bleindmeis April 14, 2011 at 8:29 am

Lana, is I anal?

BaldarTFlagass April 14, 2011 at 7:04 am

Needs more "A man, a plan, a canal, Panama."

Steverino247 April 14, 2011 at 1:14 am

Mormons go on missions to learn to get used to being laughed at in any language.

mrblifil April 14, 2011 at 1:14 am

Mitt would get my vote if he changed his name to Zimmerman.

ShaveTheWhales April 14, 2011 at 3:33 am

Zimmerman Omney?

donner_froh April 14, 2011 at 1:17 am

Clean, articulate, light-skinned and with no Mormon dialect. Looks like a winner.

Negropolis April 14, 2011 at 3:08 am

But, will he play in Peoria?

bumfug April 14, 2011 at 1:22 am

Qu'est-ce que c'est?

bumfug April 14, 2011 at 2:41 am

I should have known that a French phrase that combines a Talking Heads callback with an earlier post would confuse the downfister so much he'd have to bring his friends in to try (but fail) to explain it to him. Then they'd all get pissed and fist the shit out of me.

Negropolis April 14, 2011 at 3:10 am

French is so literal, n'est-ce pas?

"What is this that this is," indeed.

Bezoar April 14, 2011 at 1:24 am

"Well the bricks lay on Grand Street, where the neon madmen climb;
They all fall there so perfectly, it all seems so well timed.
And here I sit so patiently, waiting to find out what price
You have to pay to get out of
Going through all these things twice."

noodlesalad April 14, 2011 at 1:26 am

Sorry, Mittens, Palin and Bachmann will forever be my Rainy Day Women #12 & 35.

CalamityJames April 14, 2011 at 1:42 am

I agree….EVERYBODY MUST GET STONED!

mavenmaven April 14, 2011 at 1:31 am

France? Speaks French? Isn't that a death knell for presidential aspirants?

nounverb911 April 14, 2011 at 1:44 am

Paging John Kerry!

horsedreamer_1 April 14, 2011 at 9:53 am

Exactly.

Romney: French-speaking, former resident of France, Governor of Massachusetts, supports universal health-care coverage/purchase ("individual mandate"; egad, horror of horrors).

Are we sure Romney isn't John Kerry? Check the birth certificate!

GOPCrusher April 14, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Between 66 and 68? Not exactly the kind of stuff that war heroes are made of.

OkieDokieDog April 14, 2011 at 1:31 am

If his trip to Paree had been to check out the art scene and/or score with some French babes, then I'd be okay with it. Not a fan of the proselytizers. So no vote from me, Mittens.

Doktor Zoom April 14, 2011 at 1:32 am

Gosh, if Mitt just belonged to the other annoying doorknocking cult, we could make a delightfully witty "All Along the Watchtower" pun.

As it is, I just have to say, assfucking.

imissopus April 14, 2011 at 1:38 am

Dylan is awesome, but Weird Al is a fucking genius.

Callyson April 14, 2011 at 1:42 am

Fun Dickipedia fact about Mittens (one of many, actually):
In 1994, he ran for Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat, losing after Kennedy infamously called the (then) pro-choice Romney “multiple choice” http://www.dickipedia.org/dick.php?title=Mitt_Rom
Ah, Teddy, you had your moments, but you are missed…

undeterredbyreality April 14, 2011 at 1:54 am

Einstein, disguised as Robin Hood
With his memories in a trunk
Passed this way an hour ago
With his friend, a jealous monk
He looked so immaculately frightful
As he bummed a cigarette
Then he went off sniffing drainpipes
And reciting the alphabet
Now you would not think to look at him
But he was famous long ago
For playing the electric violin
On Desolation Row

Radio_Level_7 April 14, 2011 at 1:56 am

At least Mitts wasn't some traitor chickenshit who went to Vietnam, riding around in a cushy, armed yacht in the Mekong delta while earning a few Purple Hearts.

Intolerant Wonkateer April 14, 2011 at 9:45 am

Mitt's rule for survival #1: Never get off the Left Bank ferry

ttommyunger April 14, 2011 at 10:38 am

No Kerry fan here, but at least he showed the fuck up-twice!

Radio_Level_7 April 14, 2011 at 1:40 pm

I was absolutely dumbfounded how they turned that simple fact around in 2004. Somehow, Bush was the brave patriot who never showed up.

ttommyunger April 14, 2011 at 10:55 pm

The power of propaganda!

pinkocommi April 14, 2011 at 2:30 am

Like a majority of American voters, I will only vote for Mitt if he agrees to serve out his Presidential term with his shirt off so we can get a good look at those abs and pecs. Or assless chaps are another possibility. Depending on his mood.

Limeylizzie April 14, 2011 at 6:32 am

I find him numbingly unsexy, I would , however, like to see Sherrod Brown naked ,preferably whispering filth in my ear in that fantastic raspy voice.

BlueMonkeh April 14, 2011 at 8:33 am

I want to see the full Mormon (the crazy underpants, that is).

Limeylizzie April 14, 2011 at 8:46 am

Ugh. I bet he tucks in his undershirt and you would have to put a gun to his head in order to get the oral pleasuring.

Negropolis April 14, 2011 at 3:06 am

I love how Mitt's childhood home in Detroit was demolished. No, but really, that was an architectural loss of a historic mansion.

Ken Layne April 14, 2011 at 11:23 am
denverite April 14, 2011 at 4:54 am

Git for Mitt !

ManchuCandidate April 14, 2011 at 5:20 am

Mittens should be holding a sign that says "I'm With Stupid" that points at him.

Naked_Bunny April 14, 2011 at 5:58 am

Weird Al is running for president?

BaldarTFlagass April 14, 2011 at 7:37 am

He's at least as White & Nerdy as Mitt.

BlueMonkeh April 14, 2011 at 8:34 am

I think I'd vote for Weird Al at this point.

Limeylizzie April 14, 2011 at 6:34 am

Hey, where's out fantastic Troll from yesterday? He got me a whole new P-point.

memzilla April 14, 2011 at 7:02 am

My P ness size was increased also. We should nickname the troll Viaggravation.

ManchuCandidate April 14, 2011 at 7:17 am

It was amusing to see his pee score drop by the hour

BaldarTFlagass April 14, 2011 at 7:44 am

He's like a right-wing version of Metamarcisf, except with no game.

freddymcmurray April 14, 2011 at 6:47 am
BlueMonkeh April 14, 2011 at 8:35 am

Mittens is holding his own campaign poster?

unclejeems April 14, 2011 at 9:29 am

Area man for prez.

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum April 14, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Bravo!

noodlesalad April 14, 2011 at 6:48 am

Have yen, Moron Mitt? I'm no Romney, EVAH.

Zvi_Bleindmeis April 14, 2011 at 8:32 am

Bravo, O Vrab!

Intolerant Wonkateer April 14, 2011 at 9:41 am

how did you do that taht od uoy did woh?

Come here a minute April 14, 2011 at 6:54 am

Obama's knee is visible in the "moran" photo! This is a conspiracy to bring french-kenyan muslim-atheism to the White House.

Zvi_Bleindmeis April 14, 2011 at 8:33 am

I need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows. Jim Cantore, say, or maybe that Stephanie Abrams babe.

randcoolcatdaddy April 14, 2011 at 8:40 am

"The America of 1965 was such an assault on Mitt’s delicate sensibilities that he moved to France in 1966."

The toothpaste was better there.

WinterOuthouse April 14, 2011 at 9:13 am

He went door to door in black slacks, white shirt, black tie and stack of the Book of Mormon to find a few wives. He has to do this. You see, Elohim is fornicating with His WIVES up in heaven and making spirit babies that need Mormon bodies. See Elohim is soooooo horny that just one wife can not handle all the birthing ans stuff. Mitt, wanting to be a good little Mormon, wants his very own planet to populate when he gets to Mormon heaven. Just like Elohim got earth to populate. So, pretty soon maybe Mitt will be moving to outer space.

riverside68 April 14, 2011 at 9:17 am

Loves me the Layne in the AM. Tracy Morgan, Santorium, Mittens in France in the 60's, classic Dylan, and a B-3 reference! Some of my favorite news and olds, with gossip on stuck up prigs! Be still my heart, (and don't forget the Leslie speaker!)

BlueStateLibel April 14, 2011 at 9:17 am

So if Romney lived in France, it isn't a far stretch to say he was born in France–thus he is ineligible for the presidency. Show us yer French birf cerificate!

LocalGirlMakesGoo April 14, 2011 at 9:42 am

"Hello. My name is Bill Henrickson and I believe in the principal of ass-to-mouth."

ttommyunger April 14, 2011 at 10:39 am

The Mitster is a catcher, not a pitcher.

Oldskool_ April 14, 2011 at 11:13 am

Weird Al is ok, Cate Blanchett was better.

crybabyboehner April 14, 2011 at 11:42 am

I thought it was Al Kooper, but if Ken says Chairman Mao who am I to argue?

DemonicRage April 14, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Mitt's dad went to Vietnam, came back, said some things that the Republicans didn't like, then claimed that he had been BRAIN WASHED. Never forget this!!!!! The man comes from a tradition of coming up with bad excuses. Please let him pick the little Quayle for a running mate, so that there will be thematic unity to the ticket: THE APPLE DOESN'T FALL FAR FROM THE TREE duo.

Come here a minute April 14, 2011 at 8:30 pm

Watched them both at the same time. Mind blown.

moar_plz April 14, 2011 at 10:43 pm

Mitt 'R Done!

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