Birther Who Described Orly Taitz’s Sex Parts Sells Nude Painting of Her

  fine tit art

Fjknacaljvasdivhnkjecnkjaschulmn.In an effort to keep yourself from vomiting, you should probably close your eyes as you read this post. Birther Lucas Smith, who was last seen in an affidavit claiming Orly Taitz asked him to perjure himself and also recounting another birther guy’s claims about the narrowness and viscosity of her womanly passages when she was having an extramarital affair with him, has painted and sold a nude portrait entitled “Orly Taitz and her Exhibits,” a seminal work for one lucky eBayer’s seminal fluid. Oh, are you still not vomiting? Let us repeat a sentence from that affidavit: “Orly’s better in bed than 99% of the much younger girls I’ve ever met: you name it, hotter, hornier, wetter, tighter, more of a nympho than I’ve ever met.” There you are.

Oh, but Smith had a very special experience with Taitz himself!

We left the restaurant and walked to her home which was nearby. I was looking forward to hearing all about Barack Hussein Obama‟s birth in Kenya.

As we entered her home she asked me to please take a seat. She walked into the bathroom, left the door open, and to my astonishment she began to disrobe. She then called me into the bathroom. I entered and started telling her that I was a married man and that I was only interested in hearing more about Barack Hussein Obama’s birthplace in Kenya. She then striped herself of her under garments, told me to wait for her, and gracefully stepped into the shower. I then stepped out of the bathroom and took my seat in the other room again. I really didn’t know what to do. I wanted to get her story but I wasn’t prepared to trade my body for her account of Barack Hussein Obama’s nativity story.

And that’s the inspiration for this painting? We can only assume, because we are already covered in vomit and don’t care to read more. But, oh, what’s the worst that could—

She sat very close tome. She took my hand and placed it on her purple-black bare chest.

WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK? IS SHE A VELOCIRAPTOR OR SOME SHIT?

Anyway, the painting went for $350. And part of that is going to some good causes:

7.5 % of the total net profit from this auction will be donated to attorney Orly Taitz. She is welcome to use the money in a manner that she deems appropriate and responsible (e.g., cover costly expenditures such a litigation costs, court fines, work related travel and other bills).

Another 7.5 %, equal to the 7.5 % that will be donated to Orly Taitz, of the total net profit from this auction, will be donated to Lieutenant Colonel Terry Lakin or designee that is authorized to accept donations on his behalf.

A 7.5% equal to 7.5%. [eBay/Mediaite]

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138 comments

    1. Weenus299

      I can't tell if they're either Hershey's kisses or pepperoni. The guy needs to understand 3D.

    2. ShaveTheWhales

      I dunno. You can only see the aureolae, so I'm not sure we can be sure of Asian nipples.

      Also, the painting of her face is way better than reality, so I'm doubtful of this guy's objectivity.

  1. Moonbatting Average

    Dear Outhouse Letters,

    I never thought I would be writing to Outhouse Letters, but the wildest thing happened to me…

  2. Fare la Volpe

    I refuse to believe his affidavit. Everyone knows the Gelgamek vagina is over three feet wide and full of razor sharp teeth.

  3. Ruhe

    He wasn't prepared to trade his body for the story? That's the death of good journalism right there folks.

    1. Duly_Noted

      Absolutely right! What if Ernie Pyle had said that? He'd have never reported WWII (which was probably a lot less tighter and wetter, based on others firsthand testimony).

    2. Jukesgrrl

      He's no Geraldo. Geraldo would put out for less of a story than that. Or even no story at all.

  4. CliveWarren

    Donald Trump paid $350 for THAT!?! If he isn't more careful with his money he'll go bankrupt.

  5. Barbara_i

    The alt+txt looks like one giant vowel movement. Or is that what the painter screamed as his chancres were drying up and falling off, along with his manhood.

  6. ManchuCandidate

    I hate Alyannah Miles' song Black Velvet so I do this with no shame.

    Her love canal in the middle of a wet spell
    Sarah Palin on the TV for Faux
    Orly's dancin' with purple skin on her shoulder
    The sun is settin' like Rascals on the move
    The Taintz could sway, easily got nude, everything
    Always wanting more, she'd leave you longing for

    Chorus:
    Orly Taintz and that tea bag smile
    Orly Taintz painted in that tea bagger style
    A new insanity that'll bring ya to your knees
    Orly Taintz if you please

  7. JustPixelz

    This scene is eerily familiar. Oh yeah. Letter to Penthouse, July 1978. Except instead of BHO and birthplace in Kenya, it was BTO concert in Rochester.

    1. dr_giraud

      Orly: "You ain't seen nuh-nuh-nuh-nuthin' yet!"

      TeaTard: "Oh God no I only want to see the birth certificate."

  8. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    She sat very close tome. She took my hand and placed it on her purple-black bare chest.

    "…then she unsheathed her ovipositor and deposited her egg sack in my thoracic cavity."

  9. ManchuCandidate

    Bachmann… only because of her crazy eyes and she's, um, hotter. I get bothered by Orly's fake blond wig. Only advantage Orly would have is that I'd get her to keep yelling "Keel Moose and Skwerl" while we had sex.

      1. ChessieNefercat

        You don't know Boris and Natasha and Rocky and Bullwinkle? Fractured Fairy Tales? Sherman and Peabody?

        I'll go back to my corner and feel old.

        Update: Bullwinkle = Moose, Rocky = Squirrel

  10. Giveusabob

    "I wanted to get her story but I wasn’t prepared to trade my body for her account of Barack Hussein Obama’s nativity story."

    Ah, trying to retain his dignity at this stage, was he? I thought he understood that had been pawned for trucknutz eons ago.

      1. Giveusabob

        Jesús Hussein Soweto I believe is the full name, although I think that's only according to the Apocrypha.

  11. KeepFnThatChicken

    Those nipples look like saucers. Or from a soft-core 1970's movie filmed near the Mediterranean.

  12. BaldarTFlagass

    I only wish that Lou Sarah's 15 minutes had lasted as long as this woman's 15 minutes.

    1. poncho_pilot

      we figured there was too much happiness here for just the two of us, so we figured the next logical step was to have us a critter.

  13. DaRooster

    "She took my hand and placed it on her purple-black bare chest."

    What did you do? Shove her down the stairs coming out of the restaurant?

  14. harry_palmer

    Fuck/ marry/ kill: Sarah Pailin, Oily Taint, Michelle Bachmann? (No fair choosing kill yourself.)

  15. samsuncle

    Hotter, hornier, wetter, tighter, more of a nympho than I’ve ever met……this answers a lot of questions I never had about Orly.

  16. freakishlywrong

    I'm pretty sure ole' super journalist there could get the scoop on "Barack Hussein Obama’s birthplace in Kenya" from a wide assortment of teabillies, wingnuts, etc. Granted, they don't all have purple black chests and tight little kitti RORRWWWWWWWWWWWWWW…

  17. BaldarTFlagass

    Hey Shorty, despite your best Quixotic efforts, I see I hit triple-snake-eyes on the old p-ness scale today. Ha ha! Suck out my ass-crack, beetch!!

  18. DownFist Troll

    Oh my god, this is an affront to Jesus, Abraham, Mohammad, Buddha, Odin, Krisha, and Vishnu! I can't believe i read that.

    1. Giveusabob

      Pretty sure Zoraster and the Demiurge are also decidedly non-plussed about this "painting."

        1. DownFist Troll

          Breaking news, i've just been told that Joseph Smith and L.Ron.Hubbard actually approve of this unholy monstrosity.

      1. SorosBot

        Manwë Súlimo and Varda Elentári are offended as well, although Morgoth Bauglir, he who was once called Melkor, approves.

  19. chicken_thief

    You may be thinking that this is one serious Birther dude – one willing to take one for the team just to get the low down on our usurping Kenyan overlord. But think, my good friends, think of who went ONE STEP FURTHER…. that's right – MRS Lucas Smith!!! The lady has apparently given good ol' Lucas a pass on the boning of Taitz.

    1. Gopherit

      Given that description, I had only assumed that Orly must have busted his cherry at 35. Holy hell. What kind of quasimodo-looking she-beast must he have married to see Orly as a step up?

  20. FNMA

    OK, now you've done it. I have completely lost the will to live.
    Maybe some drinking will cure it…

    1. Gopherit

      Thanks. I won't ever be able to sleep again. I'll be too worried I'll hear it in my dreams.

  21. Gleem_McShineys

    "Orly’s better in bed than 99% of the much younger girls I’ve ever met"

    Translation:
    "You know how when you grab a woman's breast… it feels like… a bag of sand. "

  22. metamarcisf

    Of course, he left out the salutation and the first section:

    "Dear Penthouse Forum:

    Until recently, I was under the impression that these letters were made-up fantasies. However, a short time ago an incident happened to me that made me change my mind."

  23. MadBrahms

    I hope he didn't file for NEA funds! A thousand Piss Christs are less an affront to dignity than this.

  24. ttommyunger

    "Hotter, hornier, wetter, tighter, more of a nympho than I’ve ever met." Makes me wonder if this asshat had the right orifice.

  25. bokononista

    As a birther is in search of truth, we have to take this statement as fact and understand that "Oily Taintz" is not a misnomer.

  26. hilacious

    I was going to bitch about reading this right after lunch but there is no appropriate time for this story, ever.

  27. Steverino247

    "I was only interested in hearing more about Barack Hussein Obama’s birthplace in Kenya."

    Oh, so that's what you call it now? Whatever happened to hiking the Appalachian Trail?

  28. Gopherit

    It is decided. We need to buy the abomination and have it publicly destroyed. It cannot be allowed to exist.

  29. Gopherit

    The big question is would Trump hit that? I am going to have to go with a yes. She bears more than a passing resemblance to Ivana.

  30. BornInATrailer

    I just can't do it anymore today. I don't fault you, Wonkette, but I'm going to have to sleep and let my brain recuperate before I read you again.

    Also, I need to put my tasteful series of Philip J. Berg black and white nudes up on ebay.

  31. BornInATrailer

    How has there been no Santorum reference yet?

    Also, it looks like the Orly bird really does get the worm. HAHA! *pukes

  32. AJW@[redacted]

    “Orly’s better in bed than 99% of the much younger girls I’ve ever met: you name it, hotter, hornier, wetter, tighter, more of a nympho than I’ve ever met.”

    Not intended to be a facutal statement.
    //John Kyl

  33. WinterOuthouse

    Perhaps the screen door can lead us to the mystery that is Orly. The more it gets banged the looser it will become.

  34. Callyson

    To quote another commentator here (who made this remark about the kid who sang on top of Mount Rushmore, but the comment applies here as well):
    Jesus fucking Christ, don't ever do that to me again!

  35. ShaveTheWhales

    I'll regret this, but speaking as a now-older guy who was once younger, "hornier", "wetter" and "more of a nympho" are not completely unbelievable, depending on his "much younger girls" sample.

    "Hotter" is more marginal, almost requiring a careful definition of "younger".

    "Tighter"? It is to laugh, unless all the "much younger girls" were multiple moms.

    BTW, I've always been personally in favor of all those adjectives except "tighter". Why would I want to come sooner? It is supposed to be a two-person sport.

Comments are closed.