FINE TIT ART  2:35 pm April 13, 2011

Birther Who Described Orly Taitz’s Sex Parts Sells Nude Painting of Her

by Jack Stuef

Fjknacaljvasdivhnkjecnkjaschulmn.In an effort to keep yourself from vomiting, you should probably close your eyes as you read this post. Birther Lucas Smith, who was last seen in an affidavit claiming Orly Taitz asked him to perjure himself and also recounting another birther guy’s claims about the narrowness and viscosity of her womanly passages when she was having an extramarital affair with him, has painted and sold a nude portrait entitled “Orly Taitz and her Exhibits,” a seminal work for one lucky eBayer’s seminal fluid. Oh, are you still not vomiting? Let us repeat a sentence from that affidavit: “Orly’s better in bed than 99% of the much younger girls I’ve ever met: you name it, hotter, hornier, wetter, tighter, more of a nympho than I’ve ever met.” There you are.

Oh, but Smith had a very special experience with Taitz himself!

We left the restaurant and walked to her home which was nearby. I was looking forward to hearing all about Barack Hussein Obama‟s birth in Kenya.

As we entered her home she asked me to please take a seat. She walked into the bathroom, left the door open, and to my astonishment she began to disrobe. She then called me into the bathroom. I entered and started telling her that I was a married man and that I was only interested in hearing more about Barack Hussein Obama’s birthplace in Kenya. She then striped herself of her under garments, told me to wait for her, and gracefully stepped into the shower. I then stepped out of the bathroom and took my seat in the other room again. I really didn’t know what to do. I wanted to get her story but I wasn’t prepared to trade my body for her account of Barack Hussein Obama’s nativity story.

And that’s the inspiration for this painting? We can only assume, because we are already covered in vomit and don’t care to read more. But, oh, what’s the worst that could—

She sat very close tome. She took my hand and placed it on her purple-black bare chest.

WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK? IS SHE A VELOCIRAPTOR OR SOME SHIT?

Anyway, the painting went for $350. And part of that is going to some good causes:

7.5 % of the total net profit from this auction will be donated to attorney Orly Taitz. She is welcome to use the money in a manner that she deems appropriate and responsible (e.g., cover costly expenditures such a litigation costs, court fines, work related travel and other bills).

Another 7.5 %, equal to the 7.5 % that will be donated to Orly Taitz, of the total net profit from this auction, will be donated to Lieutenant Colonel Terry Lakin or designee that is authorized to accept donations on his behalf.

A 7.5% equal to 7.5%. [eBay/Mediaite]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 138 comments }

SorosBot April 13, 2011 at 2:39 pm

Please tell me this guy is making this shit up.

JustPixelz April 13, 2011 at 2:45 pm

He's birther. Making shit up is his stock in trade.

zhubajie April 13, 2011 at 6:37 pm

No, cuz then he'd bring in trained bears, etc.

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 13, 2011 at 8:54 pm

You know another way to get both a law and a dental degree?

BaldarTFlagass April 13, 2011 at 2:40 pm

If that painting is accurate, those do look like some fun nips there…

Weenus299 April 13, 2011 at 6:43 pm

I can't tell if they're either Hershey's kisses or pepperoni. The guy needs to understand 3D.

ShaveTheWhales April 13, 2011 at 9:16 pm

I dunno. You can only see the aureolae, so I'm not sure we can be sure of Asian nipples.

Also, the painting of her face is way better than reality, so I'm doubtful of this guy's objectivity.

Buzz Feedback April 13, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Punching the clown, indeed.

Moonbatting Average April 13, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Dear Outhouse Letters,

I never thought I would be writing to Outhouse Letters, but the wildest thing happened to me…

pinkocommi April 13, 2011 at 2:41 pm

I just threw up in my mouth. A lot.

CrunchyKnee April 13, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Stripper, dentist, lawyer, birther – she's got it all!

Fare la Volpe April 13, 2011 at 2:42 pm

I refuse to believe his affidavit. Everyone knows the Gelgamek vagina is over three feet wide and full of razor sharp teeth.

Ruhe April 13, 2011 at 2:46 pm

I refuse to believe he has the vast experience that the affidavit implies.

ChessieNefercat April 14, 2011 at 12:20 am

Sarah Palin is a Gelgamek?

Ruhe April 13, 2011 at 2:42 pm

He wasn't prepared to trade his body for the story? That's the death of good journalism right there folks.

Duly_Noted April 13, 2011 at 3:44 pm

Absolutely right! What if Ernie Pyle had said that? He'd have never reported WWII (which was probably a lot less tighter and wetter, based on others firsthand testimony).

Chet Kincaid April 14, 2011 at 9:27 am

Not according to certain Resistance Femme Fatales!

Jukesgrrl April 13, 2011 at 5:12 pm

He's no Geraldo. Geraldo would put out for less of a story than that. Or even no story at all.

SudsMcKenzie April 13, 2011 at 2:42 pm

Are those birth certificates or pap smear results?

CliveWarren April 13, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Donald Trump paid $350 for THAT!?! If he isn't more careful with his money he'll go bankrupt.

jus_wonderin April 13, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Where is the die cut hole near the mouth orifice??

Barbara_i April 13, 2011 at 2:44 pm

The alt+txt looks like one giant vowel movement. Or is that what the painter screamed as his chancres were drying up and falling off, along with his manhood.

ManchuCandidate April 13, 2011 at 2:44 pm

I hate Alyannah Miles' song Black Velvet so I do this with no shame.

Her love canal in the middle of a wet spell
Sarah Palin on the TV for Faux
Orly's dancin' with purple skin on her shoulder
The sun is settin' like Rascals on the move
The Taintz could sway, easily got nude, everything
Always wanting more, she'd leave you longing for

Chorus:
Orly Taintz and that tea bag smile
Orly Taintz painted in that tea bagger style
A new insanity that'll bring ya to your knees
Orly Taintz if you please

Chillwaver April 13, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Thank God these two retards are too old to procreate.

JustPixelz April 13, 2011 at 2:44 pm

This scene is eerily familiar. Oh yeah. Letter to Penthouse, July 1978. Except instead of BHO and birthplace in Kenya, it was BTO concert in Rochester.

dr_giraud April 13, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Orly: "You ain't seen nuh-nuh-nuh-nuthin' yet!"

TeaTard: "Oh God no I only want to see the birth certificate."

Sophist [غني عن ذلك] April 13, 2011 at 2:45 pm

She sat very close tome. She took my hand and placed it on her purple-black bare chest.

"…then she unsheathed her ovipositor and deposited her egg sack in my thoracic cavity."

poncho_pilot April 13, 2011 at 3:11 pm

WIN!!!

jus_wonderin April 13, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Kane: I feel dead
Parker: Anybody ever tell you you look dead?

Andrew Drinker April 13, 2011 at 2:47 pm

What? No Donkey Punch?

JustPixelz April 13, 2011 at 2:47 pm

The birf cert in the painting is more believable than any of the "evidence" I've seen on World Net Daily.

EdFlintstone April 13, 2011 at 2:48 pm

The Six Million Dollar Birther: hotter, hornier, tighter, wetter.

ManchuCandidate April 13, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Bachmann… only because of her crazy eyes and she's, um, hotter. I get bothered by Orly's fake blond wig. Only advantage Orly would have is that I'd get her to keep yelling "Keel Moose and Skwerl" while we had sex.

Ducksworthy April 13, 2011 at 3:41 pm

I don't know what that means and couldn't stop laughing.

ChessieNefercat April 13, 2011 at 7:03 pm

You don't know Boris and Natasha and Rocky and Bullwinkle? Fractured Fairy Tales? Sherman and Peabody?

I'll go back to my corner and feel old.

Update: Bullwinkle = Moose, Rocky = Squirrel

Giveusabob April 13, 2011 at 2:51 pm

"I wanted to get her story but I wasn’t prepared to trade my body for her account of Barack Hussein Obama’s nativity story."

Ah, trying to retain his dignity at this stage, was he? I thought he understood that had been pawned for trucknutz eons ago.

emmelemm April 13, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Nativity story?? So Barack is Jesus?

Giveusabob April 13, 2011 at 3:25 pm

Jesús Hussein Soweto I believe is the full name, although I think that's only according to the Apocrypha.

Sophist [غني عن ذلك] April 13, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Is a autocastration an option?

KeepFnThatChicken April 13, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Those nipples look like saucers. Or from a soft-core 1970's movie filmed near the Mediterranean.

BaldarTFlagass April 13, 2011 at 2:53 pm

I only wish that Lou Sarah's 15 minutes had lasted as long as this woman's 15 minutes.

weejee April 13, 2011 at 2:54 pm

alt+text win

Beetagger April 13, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Her insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.

poncho_pilot April 13, 2011 at 3:14 pm

we figured there was too much happiness here for just the two of us, so we figured the next logical step was to have us a critter.

Badonkadonkette April 13, 2011 at 2:55 pm

But did the shaving trend pass her by?

MARCdMan April 13, 2011 at 2:55 pm

Oh god, up comes my Tuna sammich…

GuyClinch April 13, 2011 at 3:04 pm

Funny, that's what she calls it!

jqheywood April 13, 2011 at 3:19 pm

Well-played!

DaRooster April 13, 2011 at 2:55 pm

"She took my hand and placed it on her purple-black bare chest."

What did you do? Shove her down the stairs coming out of the restaurant?

Trannysurprise April 13, 2011 at 2:56 pm

I am so having Costco scan this onto my birthday cake.

harry_palmer April 13, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Fuck/ marry/ kill: Sarah Pailin, Oily Taint, Michelle Bachmann? (No fair choosing kill yourself.)

GuyClinch April 13, 2011 at 3:05 pm

Yes!

drrty_martini April 13, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Can one choose Kill/Marry/Fuck in that order? For all?

AJW@[redacted] April 13, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Kill, kill, kill!

ShaveTheWhales April 13, 2011 at 9:20 pm

Marry? Fuck yourself.

samsuncle April 13, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Hotter, hornier, wetter, tighter, more of a nympho than I’ve ever met……this answers a lot of questions I never had about Orly.

poncho_pilot April 13, 2011 at 3:16 pm

o rly?

freakishlywrong April 13, 2011 at 2:58 pm

I'm pretty sure ole' super journalist there could get the scoop on "Barack Hussein Obama’s birthplace in Kenya" from a wide assortment of teabillies, wingnuts, etc. Granted, they don't all have purple black chests and tight little kitti RORRWWWWWWWWWWWWWW…

Barbara_i April 13, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Man, the downfister is an Orly fan.

SorosBot April 13, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Maybe he slept with her too.

Warpde April 13, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Think he's just pissed I out bid him for it.

fuflans April 13, 2011 at 2:58 pm

ummm 7.5% of $350 wouldn't even fill up my gas tank.

genxr April 13, 2011 at 2:58 pm

I'm just blindly upfisting every post here because I refuse to look at that picture.

Karma_Suture April 13, 2011 at 2:59 pm

☺yuck!

FlownOver April 13, 2011 at 2:59 pm

Needz moar anti-emetic. Lotz moar.

chicken_thief April 13, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Bachmann. I like my crazy skinny.

Clancy_Pants April 13, 2011 at 3:02 pm

OMF'inG, My man parts just did the sad trombone!

jus_wonderin April 13, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Like Dali's clocks?

hagajim April 13, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Better the sad trombone than the rusty trombone with Orly on the horn…

BaldarTFlagass April 13, 2011 at 3:02 pm

Hey Shorty, despite your best Quixotic efforts, I see I hit triple-snake-eyes on the old p-ness scale today. Ha ha! Suck out my ass-crack, beetch!!

DownFist Troll April 13, 2011 at 3:04 pm

Oh my god, this is an affront to Jesus, Abraham, Mohammad, Buddha, Odin, Krisha, and Vishnu! I can't believe i read that.

Giveusabob April 13, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Pretty sure Zoraster and the Demiurge are also decidedly non-plussed about this "painting."

Swampgas_Man April 13, 2011 at 3:29 pm

I hear Satan is kinda offended too; this spoils the "surprise decor" in Hell.

jus_wonderin April 13, 2011 at 3:33 pm

I have to surmise that this is hung in the guest room, and not the foyer?

DownFist Troll April 13, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Breaking news, i've just been told that Joseph Smith and L.Ron.Hubbard actually approve of this unholy monstrosity.

SorosBot April 13, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Manwë Súlimo and Varda Elentári are offended as well, although Morgoth Bauglir, he who was once called Melkor, approves.

genxr April 13, 2011 at 3:35 pm

The Flying Spaghetti Monster is not amused!

Beowoof April 13, 2011 at 6:22 pm

Thor is going to show up and hammer this motherfucker soon.

chicken_thief April 13, 2011 at 3:05 pm

You may be thinking that this is one serious Birther dude – one willing to take one for the team just to get the low down on our usurping Kenyan overlord. But think, my good friends, think of who went ONE STEP FURTHER…. that's right – MRS Lucas Smith!!! The lady has apparently given good ol' Lucas a pass on the boning of Taitz.

Gopherit April 13, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Given that description, I had only assumed that Orly must have busted his cherry at 35. Holy hell. What kind of quasimodo-looking she-beast must he have married to see Orly as a step up?

FNMA April 13, 2011 at 3:06 pm

OK, now you've done it. I have completely lost the will to live.
Maybe some drinking will cure it…

proudgrampa April 13, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Drinking always restores my will to live. Happy cocktail hour!

OC_Isotopical_Serf April 13, 2011 at 3:06 pm

I give 7.5% of a shit

ShaveTheWhales April 13, 2011 at 9:22 pm

What is that in picoCuries?

GuyClinch April 13, 2011 at 3:08 pm

Still better than a Leroy Nieman painting.

V572..whatever April 13, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Vomit on the sidewalk > Leroy Nieman "painting" > Orly's revenge

ShaveTheWhales April 13, 2011 at 9:22 pm

Duh.

Guppy06 April 13, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Can you imagine that voice of hers as she climaxes?

Steverino247 April 13, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Wait! Don't cum yet! Let me feenish!

Gopherit April 13, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Thanks. I won't ever be able to sleep again. I'll be too worried I'll hear it in my dreams.

DeeJayKitteh April 13, 2011 at 3:12 pm

The nunnery.

Gleem_McShineys April 13, 2011 at 3:16 pm

"Orly’s better in bed than 99% of the much younger girls I’ve ever met"

Translation:
"You know how when you grab a woman's breast… it feels like… a bag of sand. "

prommie April 13, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Nice painting. . . . for me to poop on!

metamarcisf April 13, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Of course, he left out the salutation and the first section:

"Dear Penthouse Forum:

Until recently, I was under the impression that these letters were made-up fantasies. However, a short time ago an incident happened to me that made me change my mind."

Ducksworthy April 13, 2011 at 3:48 pm

In the Freaks and Fetishes section?

ChurchofRealism April 13, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Well if anything will kill a four hour erection, it's that painting.

ShaveTheWhales April 13, 2011 at 9:23 pm

This could reduce health care costs. Win!

arihaya April 13, 2011 at 3:22 pm

i want to see Orly's Soviet Union birth certificate ….!!!

arihaya April 13, 2011 at 3:25 pm

Meg McCain..

at least she can give a paizuri

Swampgas_Man April 13, 2011 at 3:26 pm

If I'm going for a mutant, I'll take Nicole Bass, thank you.

MittsHairHelmet April 13, 2011 at 3:46 pm

More cushion for the pushin

owhatever April 13, 2011 at 3:25 pm

Somebody actually had sex with this she-goat? Vomitvomitvomit.

smokefilledroommate April 13, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Nobody needs to see this, hear this, or be told about this. Ew. Just fucking eww.

MadBrahms April 13, 2011 at 3:52 pm

I hope he didn't file for NEA funds! A thousand Piss Christs are less an affront to dignity than this.

ttommyunger April 13, 2011 at 4:15 pm

"Hotter, hornier, wetter, tighter, more of a nympho than I’ve ever met." Makes me wonder if this asshat had the right orifice.

Gopherit April 13, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Or whether he had been a confirmed necrophiliac until he met Orly.

bokononista April 13, 2011 at 4:15 pm

As a birther is in search of truth, we have to take this statement as fact and understand that "Oily Taintz" is not a misnomer.

hilacious April 13, 2011 at 4:21 pm

I was going to bitch about reading this right after lunch but there is no appropriate time for this story, ever.

Steverino247 April 13, 2011 at 4:25 pm

"I was only interested in hearing more about Barack Hussein Obama’s birthplace in Kenya."

Oh, so that's what you call it now? Whatever happened to hiking the Appalachian Trail?

Gopherit April 13, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Sounds like a line from a Teabagger Porno.

ShaveTheWhales April 13, 2011 at 9:24 pm

Mmm, that involves quite nice looking South Americans.

marinmaven April 13, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Ah, a binge-purge opportunity. Thanks Wonkette!

Gopherit April 13, 2011 at 4:46 pm

It is decided. We need to buy the abomination and have it publicly destroyed. It cannot be allowed to exist.

proudgrampa April 13, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Definitely Bachmann. Crazy as she is, she's HAWT.

Gopherit April 13, 2011 at 4:54 pm

The big question is would Trump hit that? I am going to have to go with a yes. She bears more than a passing resemblance to Ivana.

PalinPussyPower April 13, 2011 at 5:23 pm

Yes he would. He is in love with himself, and she has his same hairstyle.

BornInATrailer April 13, 2011 at 4:55 pm

I just can't do it anymore today. I don't fault you, Wonkette, but I'm going to have to sleep and let my brain recuperate before I read you again.

Also, I need to put my tasteful series of Philip J. Berg black and white nudes up on ebay.

BornInATrailer April 13, 2011 at 5:02 pm

How has there been no Santorum reference yet?

Also, it looks like the Orly bird really does get the worm. HAHA! *pukes

hagajim April 13, 2011 at 5:14 pm

MAN USES BLUE-BLACK PAINT TO DEPICT TAITZ TAINT!
Story at 11. Santorum.

hagajim April 13, 2011 at 5:24 pm

I'll take Bachmann in the Bachdoor for $500 Alex.

AJW@[redacted] April 13, 2011 at 5:36 pm

“Orly’s better in bed than 99% of the much younger girls I’ve ever met: you name it, hotter, hornier, wetter, tighter, more of a nympho than I’ve ever met.”

Not intended to be a facutal statement.
//John Kyl

Beowoof April 13, 2011 at 6:18 pm

Just the thought makes me think it is cold, really really cold.

Beowoof April 13, 2011 at 6:24 pm

Does a 15 inch dildo count?

Beowoof April 13, 2011 at 6:27 pm

I'd hit that with a hummer at about 120mph.

GregComlish April 13, 2011 at 6:28 pm

There is no God.

zhubajie April 13, 2011 at 6:39 pm

Why not both at the same time?

Weenus299 April 13, 2011 at 6:44 pm

Dean Wormer's wife was way hotter.

BZ1 April 13, 2011 at 9:01 pm

This torrid Mikey Spillane plot probably didn't happen (I'm being kind).

WinterOuthouse April 13, 2011 at 9:10 pm

T

ShaveTheWhales April 13, 2011 at 9:39 pm

I love the classics.

WinterOuthouse April 13, 2011 at 9:11 pm

Perhaps the screen door can lead us to the mystery that is Orly. The more it gets banged the looser it will become.

ShaveTheWhales April 13, 2011 at 9:12 pm

Wait. Why isn't the painting striped?

Callyson April 13, 2011 at 9:15 pm

To quote another commentator here (who made this remark about the kid who sang on top of Mount Rushmore, but the comment applies here as well):
Jesus fucking Christ, don't ever do that to me again!

ShaveTheWhales April 13, 2011 at 9:19 pm

If we're talking an anonymous hole in the wall, Orly. If not, Decline to Fuck.

ShaveTheWhales April 13, 2011 at 9:37 pm

I'll regret this, but speaking as a now-older guy who was once younger, "hornier", "wetter" and "more of a nympho" are not completely unbelievable, depending on his "much younger girls" sample.

"Hotter" is more marginal, almost requiring a careful definition of "younger".

"Tighter"? It is to laugh, unless all the "much younger girls" were multiple moms.

BTW, I've always been personally in favor of all those adjectives except "tighter". Why would I want to come sooner? It is supposed to be a two-person sport.

rocktonsam April 13, 2011 at 10:18 pm

who wouldn't hit that?

come on be honest.

lulzmonger April 14, 2011 at 5:19 am

The dead – I envy them.

*starts cutting*

Tundra Grifter April 14, 2011 at 8:34 am

Actually, the purple-black chest belongs to a Kenyan woman named Rosemary.
http://www.scribd.com/doc/52792420/Exhibit-THIRTY

Not to try to spoil the fun or anything…

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