fine tit art

Birther Who Described Orly Taitz’s Sex Parts Sells Nude Painting of Her

Fjknacaljvasdivhnkjecnkjaschulmn.In an effort to keep yourself from vomiting, you should probably close your eyes as you read this post. Birther Lucas Smith, who was last seen in an affidavit claiming Orly Taitz asked him to perjure himself and also recounting another birther guy’s claims about the narrowness and viscosity of her womanly passages when she was having an extramarital affair with him, has painted and sold a nude portrait entitled “Orly Taitz and her Exhibits,” a seminal work for one lucky eBayer’s seminal fluid. Oh, are you still not vomiting? Let us repeat a sentence from that affidavit: “Orly’s better in bed than 99% of the much younger girls I’ve ever met: you name it, hotter, hornier, wetter, tighter, more of a nympho than I’ve ever met.” There you are.

Oh, but Smith had a very special experience with Taitz himself!

We left the restaurant and walked to her home which was nearby. I was looking forward to hearing all about Barack Hussein Obama‟s birth in Kenya.

As we entered her home she asked me to please take a seat. She walked into the bathroom, left the door open, and to my astonishment she began to disrobe. She then called me into the bathroom. I entered and started telling her that I was a married man and that I was only interested in hearing more about Barack Hussein Obama’s birthplace in Kenya. She then striped herself of her under garments, told me to wait for her, and gracefully stepped into the shower. I then stepped out of the bathroom and took my seat in the other room again. I really didn’t know what to do. I wanted to get her story but I wasn’t prepared to trade my body for her account of Barack Hussein Obama’s nativity story.

And that’s the inspiration for this painting? We can only assume, because we are already covered in vomit and don’t care to read more. But, oh, what’s the worst that could—

She sat very close tome. She took my hand and placed it on her purple-black bare chest.

WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK? IS SHE A VELOCIRAPTOR OR SOME SHIT?

Anyway, the painting went for $350. And part of that is going to some good causes:

7.5 % of the total net profit from this auction will be donated to attorney Orly Taitz. She is welcome to use the money in a manner that she deems appropriate and responsible (e.g., cover costly expenditures such a litigation costs, court fines, work related travel and other bills).

Another 7.5 %, equal to the 7.5 % that will be donated to Orly Taitz, of the total net profit from this auction, will be donated to Lieutenant Colonel Terry Lakin or designee that is authorized to accept donations on his behalf.

A 7.5% equal to 7.5%. [eBay/Mediaite]

Sponsored Intermission

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • SorosBot

    Please tell me this guy is making this shit up.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      He's birther. Making shit up is his stock in trade.

    • zhubajie

      No, cuz then he'd bring in trained bears, etc.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      You know another way to get both a law and a dental degree?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    If that painting is accurate, those do look like some fun nips there…

    • Weenus299

      I can't tell if they're either Hershey's kisses or pepperoni. The guy needs to understand 3D.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      I dunno. You can only see the aureolae, so I'm not sure we can be sure of Asian nipples.

      Also, the painting of her face is way better than reality, so I'm doubtful of this guy's objectivity.

  • Buzz Feedback

    Punching the clown, indeed.

  • Moonbatting Average

    Dear Outhouse Letters,

    I never thought I would be writing to Outhouse Letters, but the wildest thing happened to me…

  • pinkocommi

    I just threw up in my mouth. A lot.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Stripper, dentist, lawyer, birther – she's got it all!

  • Fare la Volpe

    I refuse to believe his affidavit. Everyone knows the Gelgamek vagina is over three feet wide and full of razor sharp teeth.

    • Ruhe

      I refuse to believe he has the vast experience that the affidavit implies.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Sarah Palin is a Gelgamek?

  • Ruhe

    He wasn't prepared to trade his body for the story? That's the death of good journalism right there folks.

    • Duly_Noted

      Absolutely right! What if Ernie Pyle had said that? He'd have never reported WWII (which was probably a lot less tighter and wetter, based on others firsthand testimony).

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Not according to certain Resistance Femme Fatales!

    • Jukesgrrl

      He's no Geraldo. Geraldo would put out for less of a story than that. Or even no story at all.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Are those birth certificates or pap smear results?

  • CliveWarren

    Donald Trump paid $350 for THAT!?! If he isn't more careful with his money he'll go bankrupt.

  • jus_wonderin

    Where is the die cut hole near the mouth orifice??

  • Barbara_i

    The alt+txt looks like one giant vowel movement. Or is that what the painter screamed as his chancres were drying up and falling off, along with his manhood.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    I hate Alyannah Miles' song Black Velvet so I do this with no shame.

    Her love canal in the middle of a wet spell
    Sarah Palin on the TV for Faux
    Orly's dancin' with purple skin on her shoulder
    The sun is settin' like Rascals on the move
    The Taintz could sway, easily got nude, everything
    Always wanting more, she'd leave you longing for

    Chorus:
    Orly Taintz and that tea bag smile
    Orly Taintz painted in that tea bagger style
    A new insanity that'll bring ya to your knees
    Orly Taintz if you please

  • Chillwaver

    Thank God these two retards are too old to procreate.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    This scene is eerily familiar. Oh yeah. Letter to Penthouse, July 1978. Except instead of BHO and birthplace in Kenya, it was BTO concert in Rochester.

    • dr_giraud

      Orly: "You ain't seen nuh-nuh-nuh-nuthin' yet!"

      TeaTard: "Oh God no I only want to see the birth certificate."

  • Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    She sat very close tome. She took my hand and placed it on her purple-black bare chest.

    "…then she unsheathed her ovipositor and deposited her egg sack in my thoracic cavity."

    • poncho_pilot

      WIN!!!

    • jus_wonderin

      Kane: I feel dead
      Parker: Anybody ever tell you you look dead?

  • http://andrewdrinker.wordpress.com Andrew Drinker

    What? No Donkey Punch?

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    The birf cert in the painting is more believable than any of the "evidence" I've seen on World Net Daily.

  • EdFlintstone

    The Six Million Dollar Birther: hotter, hornier, tighter, wetter.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Bachmann… only because of her crazy eyes and she's, um, hotter. I get bothered by Orly's fake blond wig. Only advantage Orly would have is that I'd get her to keep yelling "Keel Moose and Skwerl" while we had sex.

    • Ducksworthy

      I don't know what that means and couldn't stop laughing.

      • ChessieNefercat

        You don't know Boris and Natasha and Rocky and Bullwinkle? Fractured Fairy Tales? Sherman and Peabody?

        I'll go back to my corner and feel old.

        Update: Bullwinkle = Moose, Rocky = Squirrel

  • Giveusabob

    "I wanted to get her story but I wasn’t prepared to trade my body for her account of Barack Hussein Obama’s nativity story."

    Ah, trying to retain his dignity at this stage, was he? I thought he understood that had been pawned for trucknutz eons ago.

    • emmelemm

      Nativity story?? So Barack is Jesus?

      • Giveusabob

        Jesús Hussein Soweto I believe is the full name, although I think that's only according to the Apocrypha.

  • Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    Is a autocastration an option?

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Those nipples look like saucers. Or from a soft-core 1970's movie filmed near the Mediterranean.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I only wish that Lou Sarah's 15 minutes had lasted as long as this woman's 15 minutes.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    alt+text win

  • Beetagger

    Her insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.

    • poncho_pilot

      we figured there was too much happiness here for just the two of us, so we figured the next logical step was to have us a critter.

  • Badonkadonkette

    But did the shaving trend pass her by?

  • MARCdMan

    Oh god, up comes my Tuna sammich…

    • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

      Funny, that's what she calls it!

      • jqheywood

        Well-played!

  • DaRooster

    "She took my hand and placed it on her purple-black bare chest."

    What did you do? Shove her down the stairs coming out of the restaurant?

  • Trannysurprise

    I am so having Costco scan this onto my birthday cake.

  • harry_palmer

    Fuck/ marry/ kill: Sarah Pailin, Oily Taint, Michelle Bachmann? (No fair choosing kill yourself.)

    • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

      Yes!

    • http://drinkiesinthe253.blogspot.com/ drrty_martini

      Can one choose Kill/Marry/Fuck in that order? For all?

    • AJW@[redacted]

      Kill, kill, kill!

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Marry? Fuck yourself.

  • samsuncle

    Hotter, hornier, wetter, tighter, more of a nympho than I’ve ever met……this answers a lot of questions I never had about Orly.

    • poncho_pilot

      o rly?

  • freakishlywrong

    I'm pretty sure ole' super journalist there could get the scoop on "Barack Hussein Obama’s birthplace in Kenya" from a wide assortment of teabillies, wingnuts, etc. Granted, they don't all have purple black chests and tight little kitti RORRWWWWWWWWWWWWWW…

  • Barbara_i

    Man, the downfister is an Orly fan.

    • SorosBot

      Maybe he slept with her too.

    • Warpde

      Think he's just pissed I out bid him for it.

  • fuflans

    ummm 7.5% of $350 wouldn't even fill up my gas tank.

  • genxr

    I'm just blindly upfisting every post here because I refuse to look at that picture.

  • Karma_Suture

    ☺yuck!

  • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    Needz moar anti-emetic. Lotz moar.

  • chicken_thief

    Bachmann. I like my crazy skinny.

  • http://wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

    OMF'inG, My man parts just did the sad trombone!

    • jus_wonderin

      Like Dali's clocks?

    • hagajim

      Better the sad trombone than the rusty trombone with Orly on the horn…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Hey Shorty, despite your best Quixotic efforts, I see I hit triple-snake-eyes on the old p-ness scale today. Ha ha! Suck out my ass-crack, beetch!!

  • DownFist Troll

    Oh my god, this is an affront to Jesus, Abraham, Mohammad, Buddha, Odin, Krisha, and Vishnu! I can't believe i read that.

    • Giveusabob

      Pretty sure Zoraster and the Demiurge are also decidedly non-plussed about this "painting."

      • Swampgas_Man

        I hear Satan is kinda offended too; this spoils the "surprise decor" in Hell.

        • jus_wonderin

          I have to surmise that this is hung in the guest room, and not the foyer?

        • DownFist Troll

          Breaking news, i've just been told that Joseph Smith and L.Ron.Hubbard actually approve of this unholy monstrosity.

      • SorosBot

        Manwë Súlimo and Varda Elentári are offended as well, although Morgoth Bauglir, he who was once called Melkor, approves.

    • genxr

      The Flying Spaghetti Monster is not amused!

    • Beowoof

      Thor is going to show up and hammer this motherfucker soon.

  • chicken_thief

    You may be thinking that this is one serious Birther dude – one willing to take one for the team just to get the low down on our usurping Kenyan overlord. But think, my good friends, think of who went ONE STEP FURTHER…. that's right – MRS Lucas Smith!!! The lady has apparently given good ol' Lucas a pass on the boning of Taitz.

    • Gopherit

      Given that description, I had only assumed that Orly must have busted his cherry at 35. Holy hell. What kind of quasimodo-looking she-beast must he have married to see Orly as a step up?

  • FNMA

    OK, now you've done it. I have completely lost the will to live.
    Maybe some drinking will cure it…

    • proudgrampa

      Drinking always restores my will to live. Happy cocktail hour!

  • OC_Isotopical_Serf

    I give 7.5% of a shit

    • ShaveTheWhales

      What is that in picoCuries?

  • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

    Still better than a Leroy Nieman painting.

    • V572..whatever

      Vomit on the sidewalk > Leroy Nieman "painting" > Orly's revenge

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Duh.

  • Guppy06

    Can you imagine that voice of hers as she climaxes?

    • Steverino247

      Wait! Don't cum yet! Let me feenish!

    • Gopherit

      Thanks. I won't ever be able to sleep again. I'll be too worried I'll hear it in my dreams.

  • DeeJayKitteh

    The nunnery.

  • http://intensedebate.com/logout Gleem_McShineys

    "Orly’s better in bed than 99% of the much younger girls I’ve ever met"

    Translation:
    "You know how when you grab a woman's breast… it feels like… a bag of sand. "

  • prommie

    Nice painting. . . . for me to poop on!

  • metamarcisf

    Of course, he left out the salutation and the first section:

    "Dear Penthouse Forum:

    Until recently, I was under the impression that these letters were made-up fantasies. However, a short time ago an incident happened to me that made me change my mind."

    • Ducksworthy

      In the Freaks and Fetishes section?

  • http://wonkette.com ChurchofRealism

    Well if anything will kill a four hour erection, it's that painting.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      This could reduce health care costs. Win!

  • arihaya

    i want to see Orly's Soviet Union birth certificate ….!!!

  • arihaya

    Meg McCain..

    at least she can give a paizuri

    • Swampgas_Man

      If I'm going for a mutant, I'll take Nicole Bass, thank you.

    • MittsHairHelmet

      More cushion for the pushin

  • owhatever

    Somebody actually had sex with this she-goat? Vomitvomitvomit.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Nobody needs to see this, hear this, or be told about this. Ew. Just fucking eww.

  • MadBrahms

    I hope he didn't file for NEA funds! A thousand Piss Christs are less an affront to dignity than this.

  • ttommyunger

    "Hotter, hornier, wetter, tighter, more of a nympho than I’ve ever met." Makes me wonder if this asshat had the right orifice.

    • Gopherit

      Or whether he had been a confirmed necrophiliac until he met Orly.

  • bokononista

    As a birther is in search of truth, we have to take this statement as fact and understand that "Oily Taintz" is not a misnomer.

  • hilacious

    I was going to bitch about reading this right after lunch but there is no appropriate time for this story, ever.

  • Steverino247

    "I was only interested in hearing more about Barack Hussein Obama’s birthplace in Kenya."

    Oh, so that's what you call it now? Whatever happened to hiking the Appalachian Trail?

    • Gopherit

      Sounds like a line from a Teabagger Porno.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Mmm, that involves quite nice looking South Americans.

  • http://www.marinmaven.com marinmaven

    Ah, a binge-purge opportunity. Thanks Wonkette!

  • Gopherit

    It is decided. We need to buy the abomination and have it publicly destroyed. It cannot be allowed to exist.

  • proudgrampa

    Definitely Bachmann. Crazy as she is, she's HAWT.

  • Gopherit

    The big question is would Trump hit that? I am going to have to go with a yes. She bears more than a passing resemblance to Ivana.

    • PalinPussyPower

      Yes he would. He is in love with himself, and she has his same hairstyle.

  • BornInATrailer

    I just can't do it anymore today. I don't fault you, Wonkette, but I'm going to have to sleep and let my brain recuperate before I read you again.

    Also, I need to put my tasteful series of Philip J. Berg black and white nudes up on ebay.

  • BornInATrailer

    How has there been no Santorum reference yet?

    Also, it looks like the Orly bird really does get the worm. HAHA! *pukes

  • hagajim

    MAN USES BLUE-BLACK PAINT TO DEPICT TAITZ TAINT!
    Story at 11. Santorum.

  • hagajim

    I'll take Bachmann in the Bachdoor for $500 Alex.

  • AJW@[redacted]

    “Orly’s better in bed than 99% of the much younger girls I’ve ever met: you name it, hotter, hornier, wetter, tighter, more of a nympho than I’ve ever met.”

    Not intended to be a facutal statement.
    //John Kyl

  • Beowoof

    Just the thought makes me think it is cold, really really cold.

  • Beowoof

    Does a 15 inch dildo count?

  • Beowoof

    I'd hit that with a hummer at about 120mph.

  • GregComlish

    There is no God.

  • zhubajie

    Why not both at the same time?

  • Weenus299

    Dean Wormer's wife was way hotter.

  • BZ1

    This torrid Mikey Spillane plot probably didn't happen (I'm being kind).

  • WinterOuthouse

    T

    • ShaveTheWhales

      I love the classics.

  • WinterOuthouse

    Perhaps the screen door can lead us to the mystery that is Orly. The more it gets banged the looser it will become.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    Wait. Why isn't the painting striped?

  • Callyson

    To quote another commentator here (who made this remark about the kid who sang on top of Mount Rushmore, but the comment applies here as well):
    Jesus fucking Christ, don't ever do that to me again!

  • ShaveTheWhales

    If we're talking an anonymous hole in the wall, Orly. If not, Decline to Fuck.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    I'll regret this, but speaking as a now-older guy who was once younger, "hornier", "wetter" and "more of a nympho" are not completely unbelievable, depending on his "much younger girls" sample.

    "Hotter" is more marginal, almost requiring a careful definition of "younger".

    "Tighter"? It is to laugh, unless all the "much younger girls" were multiple moms.

    BTW, I've always been personally in favor of all those adjectives except "tighter". Why would I want to come sooner? It is supposed to be a two-person sport.

  • rocktonsam

    who wouldn't hit that?

    come on be honest.

  • lulzmonger

    The dead – I envy them.

    *starts cutting*

  • Tundra Grifter

    Actually, the purple-black chest belongs to a Kenyan woman named Rosemary.
    http://www.scribd.com/doc/52792420/Exhibit-THIRTY

    Not to try to spoil the fun or anything…