just like that philip seymour hoffman movie!

Conservative Nonprofit Awards Jeb Bush $250,000 Genius Grant

Hey, he can finally move out of that cardboard box!Mazel tov to Jeb Besh, who will be awarded a “Bradley Prize” next month from the Lynde and Harry Bradley Foundation, a Wisconsin-based conservative charity that likes to shovel out grant money to the neediest people of all, like Bill Bennett and Antonin Scalia. A Bradley Prize is basically a suitcase of $250,000 this nonprofit hands out to rich conservatives it likes every year on stage at the Kennedy Center. Yes, that’s the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts. So passing Jeb Bush a quarter-million dollar check must just be an art performance of some kind that is beyond our ability to appreciate.

“Governor Bush has been at the forefront of education reform,” said Michael W. Grebe, president and chief executive officer of the Bradley Foundation. “During his administration and since, Florida students have made incredible gains. He has also been a vocal advocate for school choice.”

Writes Wonkette operative “Steven G.”:

Seriously, couldn’t they have given him a plaque and donated the prize money to some actual poor kids in Florida for their education? Oh, never mind.

Privatizing education is what’s important, not educating kids, silly!

The Bradley Foundation hopes the money will help Jeb Bush continue to be a guy who once did something they liked. It’s tough work and very expensive being somebody who once had an impact on public policy, so we’re sure Bush will put this money to good use. If there’s one thing his poor family needs, it’s handouts from a charity. And if they have to murder a few hundred thou to get it, who cares? [Bradley Foundation]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    This is smart, as it has been proven that money to help the poor just causes them to think they are part of society.

  2. nounverb911

    "If there’s one thing his poor family needs, it’s handouts from a charity."
    Jeb's got to pay for his kids rehab somehow.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        End Miscegenation Now!

        (Noelle's opiates addiction & Jorge's drunken stalking are a product of a polluted gene-pool. 'Cause all the lily-white Bushes have spotless addiction/medical histories.)

  3. WinterOuthouse

    His looks puffy. Perhaps he is retaining water. Maybe he's experincing premenstral cramping and swelling. Do you think he's wearing his 'fat' pants? Somebody give the guy a Lasix. before he explodes.

    1. Callyson

      Or maybe he is just drinking. Perhaps he has come to realize that there will be no "third time's a charm" for the Bush family in the White House.

    2. tessiee

      "His looks puffy."

      Hey, cut the man some slack! If you drank like that, you'd be puffy, too.

  4. mavenmaven

    One needs to always reward the wealthy, to ensure that continuous trickly-down feeling upon the humble masses.

    1. V572..whatever

      Was that the Julia Roberts movie? Seemed like it had a different title. Really sucked, though. Was the Javier Bardem role supposed to be Jeb in a very sophisticated cinema à clef?

    2. NorthStarSpanx

      If collecting collecting suitcases of money is a good distraction, I'm for it. Will he next recieve a Gingrich Award for the low low processing fee of $5,000?

      I don't want to see his name on a Primary ticket, with this ship of fools he'd look like the competent one – and dear God we can't have another Bush in the White House.

  5. BaldarTFlagass

    "a suitcase of $250,000"

    Nah, it's a big giant sack of gold coins with a giant "$" sign printed on the side, like the Beagle Boys were always trying to make off with.

  6. ManchuCandidate

    Holy shit. Life imitates the Simpsons… when the Simpsons were actually funny.

    It's a real life combination of the "First Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence" and the Inanimate Carbon Rod aka "In Rod We Trust."

  7. SorosBot

    Well of course Bill Bennett was needy; he threw away all of the millions he made into the slot machines.

  8. nounverb911

    "Lynde and Harry Bradley Foundation, a Wisconsin-based conservative charity that likes to shovel out grant money to the neediest people of all"
    What about poor Scott Walker, doesn't he need a handout too?

  9. OC_Isotopical_Serf

    education reform removal…

    (Hey, downfister, why don’t you try a real tactic…upfist me until I have like 138p, get over-confident, and then surely, being a liberal, I will screw up the fame and fortune. Jeez Louise!)

    1. Callyson

      Your strategy is way to sophisticated for the downfisters' tiny brains. But thanks for making their little heads spin in confusion.

    2. SorosBot

      How's this for irony – one of the Breitards made this reply to our downfister:

      "Notice how these libtards have reduced themselves to 'thumbing down' all of us since even they know they have no legitimate defense.

      Don't you just love when these leftists losers reveal their developmental arrest. Heh heh."

      I just tried to explain what makes this ironic, but they probably think irony is like rain on your wedding day.

  10. Terry

    From the Bradley Foundation's wikipedia page:

    "In the early 1990s the foundation helped support The American Spectator, which at the time was researching damaging material on President Bill Clinton. The Bradley Foundation has provided funding for the Project for a New American Century (PNAC). PNAC brought together prominent members of the (George W) Bush Administration (Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Richard Perle, Paul Wolfowitz) in the late 1990s to articulate their neoconservative foreign policy, including sending a letter to President Bill Clinton urging him to invade Iraq."

    1. DownFist Troll

      so, it's essentially the assholes that destroyed the country and tried to take over the world patting each other on the back then?

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          Seems this Bradley Foundation has found its special purpose, as the pivot man in said circle jerk.

    2. SorosBot

      "Researching damaging material" is a strange phrase to use when what they were doing was making up insane conspiracy theories about Clinton having people murdered.

      1. FNMA

        They were researching blow jobs. The field work was pretty expensive at $20 a pop, so to speak.

    3. horsedreamer_1

      I wish the family would just content itself with endowing the Tech high-school in Milwaukee & building ice-rinks (Pettit Center) & basketball/hockey arenae (Bradley Center), then using the rest of their Rockwell Automation largesse to, I don't know, ski at Jackson Hole & buy chocolates in Zurich.

    1. FlownOver

      OK, then – "I support charter schools," and I certify that I am the right person. Please remit.

      I can always re-think my position later, as I relax on the beach with my… er, "assistants."

    2. tessiee

      I support… something or other.
      I'm also opposed to… something or other.
      I can haz munnys now, plz?

  11. Rosie_Scenario

    Sadly, Floridians are now somewhat nostalgic for ol' Jeb! A polarizing crooked governor like Rick Scott will do that to you.

    1. Ducksworthy

      Well, its often a bad sign if a politician has pled the firth more than 50 or 60 times so Florida deserves him.

      1. SorosBot

        But he's doing a very good job of making sure state employees and the poor will have to pay money to his drug testing company.

  12. comptoneffect

    According to my calculations, the cosmic dissonance of this act is so strong; the universe will collapse into a gigantic turd located precisely where the Kennedy Center used to stand. Then again if Scalia and Bennett received the prize before and the universe didn’t collapse maybe I made a mistake somewhere in the math. Lemme get back to you.

    1. chicken_thief

      Ya, but he got more pussy than even Tiger Woods. And he didn't even have a cell back in the day. You gotta respect a man who plowed MM, then passed her on to his pals.

    2. GeorgiaBurning

      JFK was a martyr murdered by the Federal Reserve bank, according to my barber who believes in conspiracy theories and sniffing the hair tonic.

    3. horsedreamer_1

      Per El Rushbo, when Clinton was raising taxes in '93, JFK was a Conservative, & would have been a Republican, by that time, had he lived.

  13. baconzgood

    Giving a Bush money for helping education is like giving Lary Flint money for anti-masterbation programs.

  14. MinAgain

    So passing Jeb Bush a quarter-million dollar check must just be an art performance of some kind that is beyond our ability to appreciate.

    I believe "burlesque" is the term you're looking for.

    1. tessiee

      One form of "burlesque" has sequins and titties in it. I'd call this "Theater of the absurd" and/or "tragedy".

  15. ttommyunger

    The Bush's and their base: the "Haves and have mores." These cocksuckers are awash in money, meanwhile Dick and Jane are sweating bullets trying to buy gas to get to their shit-jobs.

  16. Gopherit

    The cognitive dissonance of a Bush child receiving a Genius grant might make my head explode ala "Scanners".

  17. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    To raise the prize money, the Bradley Foundation cut health benefits for their custodial staff.

    1. Nothingisamiss

      Sadly, I'[m sure their custodial staff never even had that option. Everything'll trickle down, though, I'm getting so sure of it!

  18. Thurman Munster IV

    Yes, when I hear the name Bush, I automatically think of "genius". Just like the George Bush Center for Intelligence.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Whenever I hear "Bush", I don't think of a little tree-like plant, a discount variety of Budweiser beer, or a family of flaming assholes. Can you guess what I do think of?

    2. Gopherit

      You know, Herbert Walker is a calculating, evil SOB, but he's not stupid. Given the spawn from his marriage, I can't help but conclude that Babs is a cheating bitch. Can you imagine the stupidity it would take to hit that? It explains everything.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Sometimes you see pictures of old bags back when they were in their prime, like Angela Lansbury, and "Oh yeah, I'd-a been all over that." I don't think there are any pictures like that of Barbara Bush.

  19. OzoneTom

    This will create 1,000's of jobs. We know that for every dollar that the rich control, more jobs are created. Just look how many jobs were created in the first 10 years of Bush tax-cuts for millionaires!

    1. unclejeems

      Gee, you mean a Republican running for governor lied to get elected? Promised to hold education harmless, then–wham!–right upside the kisser? Do tell. Well, as long as taxes are cut for those most deserving, I guess that's OK.

    2. mrblifil

      Florida's schools need to suck it up and find their bootstraps. If they have to resort to sex slavery in the interim, that is just called "showing initiative." The Free Hand Will Provide.

    3. genxr

      Look, if educating kids is profitable, they will get educated. If not, then they'll be better off uneducated. Let the market decide!

  20. orygoon

    Waitaminnit, I thought it was the conservatards who lament the decline of "the arts" in this country. Dammit, my son played the K-Center in the little room for conservatory up-and-comers, and people kept LEAVING between movements, because they had no attention span for the Schoenberg, and they had the manners of goats.

  21. bflrtsplk

    The prize, mere pocket change by Bush Crime Family standards, was awarded at the Kennedy Performing Arts Center FOR Bush's performance art.

  22. genxr

    And the Genius Grant goes to "Jeb." Previous winners include Roscoe, Cletus, and Goober the mechanic for his groundbreaking work in alternative fuels.

    1. tessiee

      A radio station in a state where I used to live had the "Wayne-Lee-Ray update", based on the disproportionate number of crimes committed by guys with one or more of those names.

  23. DemmeFatale

    Dear Jack,
    Thank you for providing the antidote (and the cold, hard reality), to Ken's Obama post.

    (That picture! Gah!)

    Love, Demme

  24. Ducksworthy

    The Scalia one was officially a bribe for the Citizens United decision granting corporations citizenship.

  25. Schmannnity

    The fix is in! How can you give a genius award and not give it to Bachmann and Palin ?(tie)

  26. Weenus299

    The only question now is what charity gets it? The Ayn Rand Institute? The George W. Bush Lie-Berry Project? The Dick Cheney Heart Center? The Cato Institute?

    1. tessiee

      "The George W. Bush Lie-Berry Project? The Dick Cheney Heart Center?"

      For absolutely no reason I can fathom, I read this as "The Chuck Berry Center", which would have to be a better use of money than either of the correctly named projects.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        There's already a Chuck Berry Center, located at Blueberry Hill restaurant/bar on the Delmar Loop in St Louis. It's an awesome bar, Chuck usually plays a sold-out show there once a month, and the pics on the wall include even the current president. And it's not funded by conservative think tanks or foundations.

  27. Gopherit

    If Jeb is an example of Randian genius, they better get a few more suitcases of money to hire enough browns to build Galt's Gulch. They won't be able to do it themselves.

  28. mrblifil

    Hey can't deny his daughter's a criminal genius. Paging "Dr. Scidmore…"

    "A Walgreens pharmacist suspicious about a call-in prescription notified police at 1:15 a.m. when Noelle Bush showed up at the drugstore's drive-through in her white Volkswagen to pick it up.

    She was charged with prescription fraud, a felony that carries a maximum penalty of five years in jail and a $5,000 fine. Noelle Bush has no known criminal record and was released without having to post bond.

    Experts say punishment for a first offense is usually drug treatment or probation.

    Noelle Bush has been cited for about a dozen traffic violations and was involved in three automobile crashes since 1995, according to The Associated Press.

    Xanax is legally prescribed for stress and anxiety. Noelle Bush reportedly told police that she was panicked about starting a new job on Tuesday.


    Police believe Noelle Bush called the pharmacy's voice mail system to issue herself the prescription, posing as a "Dr. Noelle Scidmore."

    Police impounded the phone messages. The pharmacist told police that Bush called twice as Scidmore and twice as herself asking if the prescription was ready. The calls initially made him suspicious because the first call from "Scidmore" failed to specify the quantity of pills. The pharmacist called a colleague of the real Dr. Scidmore, who told him the doctor no longer practiced in Tallahassee. He "said it was a fake and to bust her," pharmacist Carlos Zimmerman told police.

  29. Warpde

    Umm, Uhh, Do you think…uh, Hmmm…..
    Oh fuck it, I got nothin to say that can make Bush 3 getting this pocket change more fucked up then it already is.

  30. tessiee

    I was confused and disgusted by the words "Bush" and "genius" being used in the same sentence, until I remembered that the Bush crime fambly has assloads of money, therefore they are geniuses, humanitarians, military heroes, supermodels, etc. etc.
    I feel better now.

    1. SorosBot

      Being rich is of course a sign of genius, even if that money originally was inherited from your grandfather's business dealings with the Nazis.

  31. tessiee

    Wow, he couldn't look any more like a pig if he were wearing ears and a curly tail, could he?

  32. crybabyboehner

    250 large is chump change to Bill Bennett. He blows that much in an hour at Pai Gow.

  33. DaRooster

    "Yes, that’s the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts."

    Great venue for a Clown Circus.

  34. DustBowlBlues

    What the fuck? I'm not getting pissed off at this speech. Oh, pleeeze–raise taxes.

  35. tessiee

    "Is this a prize for excellence in fatness? "

    Helpful hint: If you're a fat tub to begin with, don't wear your collars painfully tight, as this further emphasizes your fat tubness. Of course, if your last name is Bush or Scalia, feel free to wear your collar tight enough to cause suffocation.

    1. tessiee

      By the way, I want to make absolutely clear that I have nothing against fat guys, skinny guys, or medium-sized guys; and a couple of the guys I'm dating/friends with/whatever are at least chunky. If you're fat, and I *like* you, I don't care. If you're fat, and you *aggravate* me, you're a fat fuck.

  36. loulouroo

    Wanna raise some revenue for the federal coffers? How about we put some restrictions on what is considered "non-profit" and close THAT tax loophole?! Like churches that endorse candidates and PACs like this that give more money to millionaires. Sorry, I have no snark here. I think a non-profit should qualify by providing something to someone in NEED, or generally be for the greater good.

  37. fuflans

    off topic but why do i KEEP getting notifications that leadpaintchips is following me?

    does it just adore me or has it, in fact, eaten lead paint?

  38. Sassomatic

    To get where he is today, Jeb Bush has overcome many obstacles, such as all those pesky votes for Al Gore in 2000. Where there's a will there's a way.

  39. mereoblivion

    the closing lines of Monster:
    "Love conquers all." "Every cloud has a silver lining." "Faith can move mountains." "Love will always find a way." "Everything happens for a reason." "Where there is life, there is hope." . . . [Aileen laughs] Oh, well… They gotta tell you somethin'.

    Aileen W.: now there's a Floridean who coulda put that quarter of a mil to useful use.

  40. DahBoner

    Why son, back in my day, we used to pass out Tobacco lobby checks right on the floor of the House!

  41. GOPCrusher

    The simple fact that Jeb Bush's name is being put out as a possible candidate for President has me concerned for the continued existence of the United States.

  42. BZ1

    Okay, no snark, Jeb's school-choice programs just don't work, like every other elitist, me-me-me program. Elitist school students perform no better academically than their peers in public schools.

  43. widget2011

    Thank you Harry Bradley! You mave just made Jeb about the laziest motherfucker ever, at least according to Supply Side Jesus.

  44. horsedreamer_1

    Don't knock Neal's peccadillos. The aristocracy, going back to at least the Romans, has had to find its pleasures far afield from how the rabble do (since, with no need to work, all those hours that would have been spent employed, they have to fill), & sometimes that extended to paedophilia.

    There're just so many hours in the day.

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