IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA  9:18 am April 13, 2011

Violent Egyptian Military Junta Interrogates Hosni Mubarak

by Riley Waggaman

He looks good for someone who just had a coma

  • Hey, Hosni Mubarak is “back” — from Comaland? — and has been detained for questioning by the new and terrible Egyptian military regime (which loves murdering demonstrators and throwing helpless bloggers in jail). And now Mubarak will be forced to answer allegations of widespread corruption, abuse of authority and the killing of protesters during his reign. (“So, Mubarak, what’s the best way to kill a protester?”) Mubarak’s sons have also been taken into custody, and are being held at Tora prison in Cairo — which is where lots of former Mubarak cronies are currently imprisoned. Anyway! One violent, corrupt military junta prosecutes another. That Democratic Revolution worked out. Nothing to see here. [McClatchy]
  • The president of Tokyo Electric Power Company apologized for “inconveniencing” people affected by all the radiation that is (still) pouring out of his company’s crippled nuclear plant. [CNN]
  • JP Morgan Chase announced first-quarter profits of $5.6 billion. “Brother, can you spare a dime?” [BBC]
  • A federal appeals court has upheld a law that allows Orlando to prohibit organizations from feeding the homeless in public parks, because poor people are weird-looking and ruin the view. [UPI]
 
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{ 116 comments }

WinterOuthouse April 13, 2011 at 9:22 am

Mubarack and fam are being held in Georgia at Ashley Wilkes' Tora Plantation. OMG the South has risen

horsedreamer_1 April 13, 2011 at 9:35 am

I was thinking Tora Bora, which would suggest the Levant/Southwest Asia*/Indus Valley are the model for the portal schematic in The Adjustment Bureau**.

*As the rest of the world refers to the Middle East.

**Still want to know what movie the Nation's reviewer was watching, that he enjoyed TAB so much.

WinterOuthouse April 13, 2011 at 9:42 am

Well I think you're right to view it like Tora Bora. Since the Wilkes Plantation was named Twelve Oaks, and Scarlett live on Tara.

ThankYouJeebus April 13, 2011 at 9:42 am

I already saw Tora! Tora! Tora! Kind of boring but has some great bombing scenes.

horsedreamer_1 April 13, 2011 at 10:00 am

Even better Van Halen song.

ShaveTheWhales April 13, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Last night I woke up and the South had risen partway up my esophagus.

Needz moar Zantac.

Barbara_i April 13, 2011 at 9:22 am

Maybe Orlando can just buy some used character costumes from Disneyworld and instead of having to look at the homeless they could just dress them up like Prince Valiant. Problem solved! I should run for office of something,

user-of-owls April 13, 2011 at 10:25 am

Barbara_i in 2012:

A Snow White in every park and a Sneezy in every underpass!

Barbara_i April 13, 2011 at 10:47 am

While all the Dopeys stay in congress.

trampndirtdown April 13, 2011 at 9:22 am

We have a guy around these parts who keeps dieing and coming back, walks around with no heartbeat, you might know him name's Cheney.

WinterOuthouse April 13, 2011 at 9:23 am

The poor. They're so, oh, I dunno poor. Icky

OC_Isotopical_Serf April 13, 2011 at 9:24 am

Have the Homeless dress up in period uniforms and act out those Civil War thingies, but with real artillery…job-creatin' fun time for the whole family!

Lascauxcaveman April 13, 2011 at 11:01 am

Yeah, right. How're you going to get anyone in FL to wear the union blue? They may be hungry and homeless, but they have their pride.

KenLayIsAlive April 13, 2011 at 11:27 am

Hey, you've got plenty of proud Yankee homeless who got to Florida on via Guilliani's "bus tickets to anywhere that isn't New York City" program.

WinterOuthouse April 13, 2011 at 9:25 am

5.6 Billion is pocket change in this booming economy. They need a tax break to continue to grow.

themcwow April 13, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Yes, and they need to keep charging $1 if you want an ATM receipt.

GuanoFaucet April 13, 2011 at 9:25 am

Don't feed the poors.

horsedreamer_1 April 13, 2011 at 10:15 am

They're already inheriting the Earth. What more could they want?

trampndirtdown April 13, 2011 at 10:16 am

I thought that was the meek?

horsedreamer_1 April 13, 2011 at 10:37 am

I would think poverty is part & parcel of meekness.

Lascauxcaveman April 13, 2011 at 11:02 am

And the wretched refuse from teeming shore? All they get is America, so they're pretty much screwed.

comptoneffect April 13, 2011 at 11:23 am

Holy shit, now that’s a simple and effective solution to solve the problem of hungry & homeless people in the US, the same approach can be used for sick people: just withhold treatment and I bet they will go away, too.

MathIsHard April 13, 2011 at 11:54 am

Keep an eye on your pic-a-nic baskets!

donner_froh April 13, 2011 at 9:26 am

JP Morgan Chase announced first-quarter profits of $5.6 billion.

Thank the LORD and Praise JESUS that Henry Paulson gave those boys that TARP money in 2008. They were down to their last couple of billion before he rescued them.

weejee April 13, 2011 at 9:33 am

Since the Pakistanis don't want them used there anymore, the DoD could bring the drones back home to use on some targets on Wall Street. That way the operators would keep up their training level.

trampndirtdown April 13, 2011 at 9:36 am

Oh boy maybe we can kill some homeless people as collateral damage.

horsedreamer_1 April 13, 2011 at 10:01 am

Default from Above.

deanbooth April 13, 2011 at 9:28 am

Can we still eat the homeless in public?

hollywooddood April 13, 2011 at 9:40 am

A homeless couple did that in the downtown park in my city and were arrested.

horsedreamer_1 April 13, 2011 at 10:37 am

You havn't lived 'til you've had squat-sex. By which I mean, sex in a squat.

Lascauxcaveman April 13, 2011 at 11:04 am

Arrested = 3 hots and cot.

OC_Isotopical_Serf April 13, 2011 at 10:02 am

I think George Michael proved that even tasting the homeless was illegal

weejee April 13, 2011 at 9:29 am

"Everyone to move from street" uno más, noch einmal, еще раз, .ومرة أخرى

ShaveTheWhales April 13, 2011 at 6:10 pm

All ur chromosome r belong to us.

noodlesalad April 13, 2011 at 9:30 am

Silly Egypt, you're supposed to let your former overlords make six figures giving motivational speeches to corporate boards and students, not persecute them for crimes they may have committed. Time to bring out the Murican Dumbocracy manual again.

Monsieur_Grumpe April 13, 2011 at 9:31 am

5.6Billion? Let the trickling begin!

baconzgood April 13, 2011 at 9:31 am

$5.6 billion and don't feed the poor? Riley you're showing me that this country is getting more fucked up by the day. Hello Canada, you wanna be my friend?

(this comment is 100% snark free)

weejee April 13, 2011 at 9:36 am

baconz, ya know you'd have to learn to sing 'Oh Canada' in the key of eh.

neiltheblaze April 13, 2011 at 9:32 am

Yes – a radioactive nuclear nightmare is precisely that – inconvenient. Terribly.

tcaalaw April 13, 2011 at 9:35 am

Well, you wouldn't say that it's not inconvenient, would you? [/TEPCO spokesman]

mrblifil April 13, 2011 at 11:07 am

Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger, up until the point that it finally does kill me.

MildMidwesterner April 13, 2011 at 9:33 am

"Tokyo Electric Power Company apologized for 'inconveniencing' people"

It appears that Tokyo Electric and PEPCO have the same PR firm.

hollywooddood April 13, 2011 at 9:33 am

Well, on the other hand, if we don't feed them maybe they'll go away . Feeding the hungry traumatizes the tourists, you know, and that's not good news for anybody.

Lascauxcaveman April 13, 2011 at 11:11 am

I wonder what NYC does with its homeless? In a week of touristing there, spending a lot of time on sidewalks and parks, I noticed only 3 homeless cardboard-sign-and-cup dudes (and no ladies) the whole time. This was in Manhattan, however, so maybe they all hang out in the Bronx or Queens?

4TheTurnstiles April 13, 2011 at 9:34 am

Orlando: before much longer you're going to switch from effeminate dude to tomboyish hottie lady. You might as well make the switch from creepy right-wing styrofoam fungus factory & Amway outlet to Pissed about Being Trapped at the End of the Cul-de-sac in a Hummer with No Gas and No Job Anyway while you're at it. Start here, Florida: http://www.frso.org

Or just keep acting like there are no consequences to your choices and that Disney is anything but virtual reality.

LiveToServeYa April 13, 2011 at 9:38 am

It's true that Disney is a Mickey-Mouse outfit.

baconzgood April 13, 2011 at 9:49 am

You're so Goofy.

freakishlywrong April 13, 2011 at 10:11 am

And it's electorate is Snow White.

Schmannnity April 13, 2011 at 9:35 am

Faked coma led to faked heart attack.
http://ca.news.yahoo.com/mubarak-still-hospital-h

mrblifil April 13, 2011 at 10:08 am

Sounds like he was accidentally irradiated by kenlaynium. As opposed to being irradiated by KenLayne-ium, which can lead to much more serious complications.

user-of-owls April 13, 2011 at 10:28 am

He can hit for the cycle if he fakes ebola.

horsedreamer_1 April 13, 2011 at 10:40 am

I'm having an heart-attack
I'm having… an… heart-attack

Steverino247 April 13, 2011 at 9:36 am

Chase made how much? When I re-finance my home through the local credit union later this month, their profits should drop, well, not as significantly as I'd like. Also, I use their credit card all over and then pay it off at the end of the month so I'm using their money for free. Fuckers.

Terry April 13, 2011 at 9:41 am

A few years back, Chase jumped my card interest rates up to astronomical levels. The reason? I had sent my payment in on time, but because it was late December and their offices were short staffed at times and closed other times for the holidays, they didn't process it in time so it was counted as late. I kid you not. I closed the card and paid it off. Goodbye to Chase.

Steverino247 April 13, 2011 at 11:18 am

We use the bill payer thing at the Credit Union to avoid most of that trouble. It's a great service and you don't have to deal with the USPS losing or delaying your outgoing mail anymore.

Terry April 13, 2011 at 11:25 am

Sadly enough, this was an electronic transfer, too. It arrived there, but they say they have a "black box" into which electronic transfers go until they are processed.

Scam to charge late fees and to jump rates, that's all it is.

Lascauxcaveman April 13, 2011 at 11:16 am

Even if you pay off your cards every month, with no interest or fees, the merchants you patronize still get dinged 1.8 to 3.5% on every purchase, often with a .20 – $.50 transaction fee.

[/small business operator]

WinterOuthouse April 13, 2011 at 9:37 am

Well, at least the CEO of Tokyo Power apologized for any inconvenience, like radiation poisoning, unsafe food supplies, unsafe water, a radio active ocean, and spreading carcinogens everywhere just like a good person would. I know I apologized for any inconvenience I may have brought upon others when I caused that 300 car pile up where 250 were killed. Because I am a good person, have manners and am an excellent leader, I apologized right up front.

Terry April 13, 2011 at 9:43 am

A few decades back, his apology would have been much more dramatic.

Monsieur_Grumpe April 13, 2011 at 9:49 am

It’s too bad the traditional Japanese method of apologizing never caught on with our corporations.

Texan_Bulldog April 13, 2011 at 9:50 am

Another reason for whales to hate Japanese people.

freakishlywrong April 13, 2011 at 9:37 am

Think Obarmar is going to be surprised when his "base" isn't swooning at every whistle stop on the campaign trail? And throws empty cans of hobo beans instead?

Terry April 13, 2011 at 9:44 am

Yeah, we'll piss and moan over his not having delivered what he promised, but then we'll look at who the GOP puts up for election and we'll take Barry back again, like an errant spouse.

freakishlywrong April 13, 2011 at 9:57 am

I'm not pissing and moaning about him not delivering what he promised. Let's face it, he was handed a turd sandwich. I'm pissing and moaning because he's allowed the narrative to shift to what THEY'VE promised. The Path to Prosperity™ throws our sorry asses under the will never be funded high speed rail and dismantles the safety nets that I will sorely need and for which Iam only 13 years away from being eligible. I want my money back. And a flying car.

horsedreamer_1 April 13, 2011 at 10:04 am

/paul ryan twirls mustache

Terry April 13, 2011 at 10:10 am

I still can't believe that Ryan's miracle budget actually includes parts of the health care reform that he and his buddies were claiming would destroy democracy as we know it.

I agree with you about the narrative. Lying, fringe-y, amoral bastards who represent a minority of the US are driving the bus. As another commenter described his/her mother as saying, Barry needs to take a big crap in Boehner's lunch pail and take control again.

horsedreamer_1 April 13, 2011 at 10:17 am

John-Boy will just think it's Cincinnati chili, anyway.

Five-way chess.

horsedreamer_1 April 13, 2011 at 9:38 am

Solution for the Orlando parks homeless meal programme: become 'for-profit', by which I mean charge for the food, but allow the recipients (call them "regulars") to run a tab in perpetuity. So, de facto, you're not charging the indigent for the food, they're still getting fed, & the Corporates Courts just get smacked down by the People.

BaldarTFlagass April 13, 2011 at 9:38 am

Sounds like Mubarak is on the comeback trail!

neiltheblaze April 13, 2011 at 9:50 am

If Nixon can do it, so can he.

Monsieur_Grumpe April 13, 2011 at 9:51 am

You know that completely unrealistic optimism makes you ideally qualified to be Bachmann’s campaign manager.

weejee April 13, 2011 at 9:52 am

Clinton too, the 'Comeback Kid'.

Terry April 13, 2011 at 9:38 am

"A federal appeals court has upheld a law that allows Orlando to prohibit organizations from feeding the homeless in public parks, because poor people are weird-looking and ruin the view. "

Seattle used to (and may still) just herd the homeless over to areas out of sight of the tourists.

Schmannnity April 13, 2011 at 9:38 am

Evacuating a 12 mile radius is an inconvenience? What about the Hiroshima unpleasantness?

Terry April 13, 2011 at 9:45 am

Or the Nanking hullaballo?

BaldarTFlagass April 13, 2011 at 9:50 am

The Dresden foofaraw?

weejee April 13, 2011 at 9:54 am

Joltin' Joe Stalin's Collectivization.

horsedreamer_1 April 13, 2011 at 10:05 am

Pol's Gymnastics Training.*

*Stress positions.

neiltheblaze April 13, 2011 at 9:53 am

Hullaballo – yes. It's so over the top when people call it a "rape". The Chinese must have just forgotten the "safeword".

Mumbletypeg April 13, 2011 at 9:39 am

$5.6 billion. I wonder which weighs more, that amount of dinero or the handful of fat cats enjoying it?
If the latter: we could offer to ship to Japan for its reactors what I think I heard Amy Goodman's recent guest on Democracy Now advised they should do based on Russia's approach to Chernobyl — bury the toxic site in cement, sand and boric assholes.

freakishlywrong April 13, 2011 at 9:42 am

One wonders if our overlords realize that we can "throw things like adults" right back at them.

Giveusabob April 13, 2011 at 10:20 am

I can fling my poo like the most eldery adult who ever lived.

horsedreamer_1 April 13, 2011 at 10:36 am

David Vitter is sooooo turned-on, right now.

weejee April 13, 2011 at 9:46 am

It will help keep the slugs under control, them not liking salt & all.

♪♫ Happy daze is here again, the sky it glows so green again, the strontium's in our beer again, happy daze is here again ♫♪

baconzgood April 13, 2011 at 9:46 am

Tokyo Electric Power Company is sorry for the inconvenience of your glowing children…

That's a little better than Hayward's "I just want my life back". Not much though.

BaldarTFlagass April 13, 2011 at 9:48 am

Bright side is the 60-lb zucchinis you'll be showing at the county fair in September.

Pragmatist2 April 13, 2011 at 9:52 am

Hosni is going to be "interrogated" by Egyptian police?
What's the right playlist to go with waterboarding?
I'm thinking Beach Boys.

Pragmatist2 April 13, 2011 at 9:55 am

TOPEC is apologizing for "inconveniencing" its customers? No. You are "inconvenienced" when there is a power outage and you have to figure out how to reset the clock on your microwave. Causing mutations in your offspring is a step beyond inconvenient. It's more like a "damned nuisance."

FNMA April 13, 2011 at 9:57 am

"Inconvenience"? But Ann Coulter said radiation is good for you and prevents cancer.
And I don't know about you, but if I lived over there and had a kid who three eyes, that would be great. That's one more eye, isn't it? That's one better.
Or, better yet, a third arm growing out of your back. That would be awesome.

BaldarTFlagass April 13, 2011 at 9:59 am

A real revolutionary evolutionary step forward would be a prehensile penis. Am I right, ladies?

mrblifil April 13, 2011 at 10:10 am

That would be a boon, as I am tired of having to manually tie mine around tree branches and flag poles in order to give it some breathing room. If it could grab things by itself, it'd be very "set it and forget it…"

widestanceroman April 13, 2011 at 10:44 am

Well, I'm no lady, but I would ask that you consider a prehensile scrotum, since the testicles could act as toggles for hanging from trees, leaving the penis free for more leisurely activities, like skeeting on unsuspecting people below.

DemmeFatale April 13, 2011 at 6:29 pm

Newsflash: Baldar, we ladies are not NEARLY as obsessed with penises as you dudes are. Sorry.

mrblifil April 13, 2011 at 10:09 am

To say nothing of the potential for an entire new avenue of penile enlargement solutions…

Doktor Zoom April 13, 2011 at 9:58 am

When Karl Marx was a boy
he took a hard look around
He saw people were starving all over the place
while others were painting the town
The public spirited boy
became a public spirited man
So he worked very hard and he read everything
until he came up with a plan …

Oh Karl the world isn't fair
It isn't and never will be
They tried out your plan
It brought misery instead
If you'd seen how they worked it
you'd be glad you were dead
just like I'm glad I'm living in the land of the
free
where the rich just get richer
and the poor you don't ever have to see
It would depress us, Karl
Because we care
that the world still isn't fair

–Randy Newman, "The World Isn't Fair"

horsedreamer_1 April 13, 2011 at 10:07 am

Hearing Newman's 60s/70s output after only knowing the name for his Pixar scores was a revelation. Between him & Lee Hazelwood, I don't even need Tom Waits. (Who is a sideshow clown, by comparison.)

ShaveTheWhales April 13, 2011 at 6:13 pm

Waits is more personal. Randy is the 20-Cen's greatest political philosopher.

Perhaps I overstate, slightly. But only slightly.

donner_froh April 13, 2011 at 9:58 am

5.6 billions dollars–how much is that in real money? Solid gold Ameros.

mrblifil April 13, 2011 at 10:05 am

Actually Craigslist would probably be a very efficient way of finding protestors to exterminate. It's also the place to go if you like looking at random male penises and bottoms.

Doktor Zoom April 13, 2011 at 10:09 am

That's Larry Craigslist. Tap, tap, tap.

Andrew Drinker April 13, 2011 at 10:13 am

Add a "Mc" to the beginning of your last name and you get yet another one-sixth.

horsedreamer_1 April 13, 2011 at 10:16 am

Gordon Mc Bako, the Greek Ginger.

baconzgood April 13, 2011 at 10:20 am

That's it! I'm changing my given name from Beef-Cake Slamtastic to Gordon McBako.

horsedreamer_1 April 13, 2011 at 10:39 am

You can replace Shia Le Boeuf in Wall Street 3: How Does He Get So Lucky to Get with Megan Fox, then Carey Mulligan (Who's Next, Olivia Wilde?).

MathIsHard April 13, 2011 at 11:52 am

Just change your handle to backbaconzgood.

fuflans April 13, 2011 at 10:14 am

military vs. mubarak. how will michele square this circle?

Come here a minute April 13, 2011 at 10:18 am

“Brother, can you spare a dime?”

I could spare a dime, but why on earth would I?

El Pinche April 13, 2011 at 10:30 am

This post makes my amygdala hard.

franco_pinyon April 13, 2011 at 10:30 am

Tourists flock to Orlando to see feedings. Not of the hungry and homeless, though. The big ticket feedings are for Killer Whales. The kind that REALLY kill.

Pres[ $ rm -r * ] April 13, 2011 at 12:11 pm

The funny thing is that there isn't much of anything in downtown Orlando… it's a pretty hollow and empty place, reminiscent of many hollow and empty former industrial cities in Pennsylvania. There are a couple of mid-sized high rises owned by banks, a semi-pedestrian mall, the arena where the Magic play, and lots of shuttered businesses with homeless folks hanging out in front. And it literally has a wrong side of the tracks. You can drive 5 minutes, cross the RR tracks that skirt the downtown, and be in a whole different world. So this is kind of funny, in a sad way – groups want to help out the homeless which would make downtown Orlando look less rundown, but no!

Serolf_Divad April 13, 2011 at 10:31 am

Feed the poor, tuppence a bag!
Tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a bag!

Ruhe April 13, 2011 at 10:45 am

I heard that old commie billionaire, Soros, on "Market Place" yesterday daring to pose the outrageous question "is the financial services sector actually worth what it costs". He suggested that a serious cost benefit analysis needed to be done on the whole system. Yeah, whatever Karl.

Pres[ $ rm -r * ] April 13, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Hey, that photo of Hosni looks shopped…

trumpbly_joe April 13, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Here's something fun: remember how all of us socialist libtards thoguth that a "individual mandate public health exchange, with vouchers so the poors aren't forced to spend money the don't have on health insurace" struck us as woefully insufficient, and particular prone to a "donuts in the break room" syndrome, where it would just be easier to cut out the legs from under the poors by nixing or reducing vouchers later?

Yeah, well, guess what got cut from the budget as part of that wonderful deal to keep the government running?

But, hey, why don't we adopt the Ryan plan and replace Medicare with exactly the same thing? I mean, how could anybody possibly predict exactly the same thing happening to our seniors, in such a scenario?

zhubajie April 13, 2011 at 7:46 pm

"The president of Tokyo Electric Power Company apologized"

A Japanese colleague once told me that such apologies don't mean much unless it's followed by suicide.

DaSandman April 13, 2011 at 7:46 pm

Poor people need food? Bullshit!

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