OH WELL  1:10 am April 13, 2011

America About As Awful As Ever

by Riley Waggaman

No alt text due to budget cuts.Here are just a few reasons why you should move to the Moon as soon as possible: Predictable asshole Scott Walker has threatened to fire public employees if his famous union-busting bill remains tied up in court. Meanwhile, Barack Obama is frantically Zeppelin-bombing brown people all over the world, for Freedom — and our trillion-dollar deficit woes will soon be over, once we stop wasting federal money on “food for children from low-income families.” Habeas corpus has now been suspended for almost ten years, so if you haven’t paid your taxes yet you will be raped by the CIA, in Lithuania. (We miss the “good old days,” when at least you could masturbate to the dirty, dirty lies about how great Our Nation is — since they usually came out of Dana Perino’s tender, post-911 mouth-hole on C-SPAN Live, so you could fap in real time.) Never Forget.

We hardly ever leave the house anymore because what’s outside? Another pointless war? Late at night when there aren’t any police sirens or screams we sometimes hear the homeless Vietnam veteran in the alleyway playing a Justin Bieber remix on his hurdy-gurdy:

Barefoot on the ice,
he staggers to and fro,
and his little tray
ever remains empty.

No one wants to hear him,
no one looks at him,
and the dogs snarl
around the old man.

Why won’t anyone give him
a McDonald’s sandwich?

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Hola wonkerados.

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DrunkIrishman April 13, 2011 at 1:17 am

America, fuck it or leave it.

DaRooster April 13, 2011 at 10:26 am

Are you saying we can't just let it fuck us… you know… the norm?

LionHeartSoyDog April 13, 2011 at 11:17 am

Nevar Fuggit!

Negropolis April 14, 2011 at 12:37 am

Really, must we choose? Can't we do both? I prefer "fuck it then leave it."

MittsHairHelmet April 13, 2011 at 1:21 am

Sometimes I think maybe the move is to go to some tropical island and rent jetskis or sell margaritas to tourists and live out my days.

horsedreamer_1 April 13, 2011 at 9:27 am

Just like Paul Rudd's charcter in Forgetting Sarah Marshall! (Except, replace Hawai'i with, I don't know, the Canarias or Seychelles, or something.)

noodlesalad April 13, 2011 at 1:23 am

Trump/Bachmann 2012. Why the fuck not?

DownFist Troll April 13, 2011 at 1:35 am

Because there's no remedy for nuclear winter yet.

Negropolis April 13, 2011 at 5:52 am

That sounds like the title to a lost Emily Dickinson poem. Or was it Angie Dickinson? I always get them confused.

V572..whatever April 13, 2011 at 7:35 am

Angie: big tits, admirable legs, fucked Sinatra and JFK possibly in a 3-way
Emily: pretty much stayed at home and wrote beautiful poetry; bra size lost to history.

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 13, 2011 at 3:50 am

And Idiocracy is supposed to be a fable, not a road map to the future.

horsedreamer_1 April 13, 2011 at 9:28 am

Barack's not balding, but do you think he could grow his hair out, still? Because Dwayne Herbert Elizondo "Mountain Dew" Camacho had the greatest, silkiest mane on a black man (outside of Rick James).

OkieDokieDog April 13, 2011 at 1:29 am

I think I need another valium after reading this.

fuflans April 13, 2011 at 1:36 am

clearly i am in another production of 'king lear'.

Negropolis April 13, 2011 at 2:19 am

Who gets to play Gonorrhea? Bristol?

SayItWithWookies April 13, 2011 at 1:55 am

I don't understand why the hurdy-gurdy man positions himself outside the village. I mean, that's his problem right there. Couldn't he get a spot in the square, near the fountain? Everybody passes by the fountain, for christ's sake — I don't know what the hell he's doing halfway down the hill outside the village, and not even towards the river but down to the dry plains where there's nothing. Location location location.

chascates April 13, 2011 at 1:56 am

HAHA! Just think of moving someplace else, with their Socialist single-payer healthcare, government-paid education, stringent environmental laws, and lack of homeless people!

Then you'll appreciate that freedom means not having anyone help anyone else, the super rich deserve everything they have, and that food and water isn't worth being made safe.

Wait, what?

emmelemm April 13, 2011 at 2:07 am

A lot of us would love to move elsewhere, but THEY WON'T FUCKING HAVE US! I'm seriously thinking of trying to farm myself out as a mail-order bride… to some OTHER country.

horsedreamer_1 April 13, 2011 at 9:30 am

They always are looking for new grunts for the organic farms in New Zealand. Don't know how permanent those arrangements are, of course. But, worth a try. Move there, farm, learn to play guitar… Reverse Flight of the Conchords.

Radio_Level_7 April 13, 2011 at 3:16 am

Defend the Northern Border!
And no Föx News up there!
And the Canadian Rockies are gorgeous!

Andrew Drinker April 13, 2011 at 9:59 am

Well, if the unemployment rate in the EU keeps falling and their economies keep getting stronger, it will eventually become easy for me to pretty much be tomorrow's version of an Indian IT guy coming to the US.

After all, the coffee's better over there.

emmelemm April 13, 2011 at 2:00 am

Ken, why do you always post the WORSTEST things really late at night? This does not help my sleep.


Negropolis April 13, 2011 at 2:21 am

Riley is Ken, now? That explains….absolutely nothing, really.

emmelemm April 13, 2011 at 2:26 am

Shit! Reading comprehension fail.

Ken's post is so much worse anyway, I should have posted that on Ken's actual post.

PS I upfist you FOR JUSTICE!

horsedreamer_1 April 13, 2011 at 9:56 am

Well, why do you think Riley quit his job at the Mongolian barbecue? Duh — 'cause he's morally weak.

ChapterUndVerse April 13, 2011 at 2:02 am

More than one way to bust a union–fire the sumbitches! Then arrest them for disturbing the peace, if they peacefully assemble, or so much as run into each other at the post office, without a Free Speech Zoning Permit.

Negropolis April 13, 2011 at 2:21 am

Hey, it can work in Belarus, it can work here, too.

Andrew Drinker April 13, 2011 at 10:01 am

God. Don't scare me. I had an internet friend from Belarus who was living in Prague and actively supporting the opposition at home, and he was "accidentally" hit by a train and died.

Negropolis April 14, 2011 at 12:35 am

After the Minsk bombing the other day, I did a bit of research on Belarus and they seem to be democratically where Romania was, oh, twenty-something years ago. I wonder why that dictatorship doesn't get as much attention as it should? Probably because Luschenko's not brown and doesn't sit on oil.

PocketsTheClown April 13, 2011 at 2:03 am

Wagga ma favorah. NO CRY SWEETART we'll get you out of there!!!1!!

There, I said it.

Callyson April 13, 2011 at 2:04 am

Maybe it's the alcohol talking, but I am not ready to leave the USA just yet.
Unless, that is, Cali were to secede. In that case, I'll be glad to take on a new business, helping Wonkette commenters arrange their relocation to what would be the world's eight largest economy…

poncho_pilot April 13, 2011 at 2:08 am

i think i'm ready to move back to San Diego from Milwaukee. of course, the cost of living there is so high i'd have to move in with the the coyotes that live in the canyons.
maybe i could teach them that killing people's cats is wrong.

V572..whatever April 13, 2011 at 7:39 am

Ha ha, it's come down a lot. Plenty of real estate available!

BaldarTFlagass April 13, 2011 at 9:00 am

"maybe i could teach them that killing people's cats is wrong."

By killing those cats, which are not a natural part of the ecosystem, those coyotes are saving many birds, which are.

And what would you eat, if you could not dine on fresh feline flesh?

poncho_pilot April 13, 2011 at 12:37 pm

ecosystem? what are you? a commie? but to answer your question: there are plenty of hobos in those canyons. they'd go great with the hobo beans. and a nice glass of Thunderbird.

Doktor Zoom April 13, 2011 at 2:08 am

OK, so I guess I'll just go watch Eraserhead to cheer up.

poncho_pilot April 13, 2011 at 2:14 am

"they're artificial. the damnedest things."

undeterredbyreality April 13, 2011 at 2:53 am

We'll always have Brazil:

Kurtzmann: [on Buttle] You see? The population census has got him down as "dormanted." Uh, the Central Collective Storehouse computer has got him down as "deleted."
Sam Lowry: Hang on.
[goes to a computer terminal]
Kurtzmann: Information Retrieval has got him down as "inoperative." And there's another one – security has got him down as "excised." Administration has got him down as "completed."
Sam Lowry: He's dead.

johnnymeatworth April 13, 2011 at 10:49 am

You know what's a really funny read? The Jungle by Upton Sinclair….

prommie April 13, 2011 at 3:38 pm

I'm just going to listen to some Tom Waits, The Earth Died Screaming, maybe, or Down In The Hole.

Negropolis April 13, 2011 at 2:10 am

I still leave the house; but it's usually only for late-night runs to Tim Hortons and trips to procure delicious M&M and Oreo McFlurries. Plus, Canada is one of Michigan's nextdoor neighbors, so there is always an easy escape route save for the unmanned drones patrolling the border along the Detroit and St. Clair rivers, now. I wish I was joking.

Inshallah, it'll all be over, soon. Our best hope is for Obama to sell America to Oprah, thereby subverting Chinese plans to do much the same thing, and she'll turn the place into a giant Lifetime movie. That's preferable to what anyone else has planned for us.

Andrew Drinker April 13, 2011 at 10:03 am

The melodrama would be really annoying, but I guess there would be a lot of sex…

nounverb911 April 13, 2011 at 2:13 am

"Here are just a few reasons why you should move to the Moon as soon as possible"
All the cheese you can eat?

hagajim April 13, 2011 at 2:21 am

I would leave the bad ol' USA in 2 seconds…if I could getta job…why not, it left me 31 years ago when a bunch of tools voted for Ronnie Raygun…cause he was a guy you could have a beer with….fuckin' fucks…..

horsedreamer_1 April 13, 2011 at 9:57 am

Judging from that shot of him on a boat with Nancy, & wearing a pastel shirt, I'm guessing Schmitz Gay.

Negropolis April 13, 2011 at 2:23 am

Downfist troll is downfisty.

Yes, yes…I can feel your anger. Strike me down with all of your hatred, you down-fist troll!

harry_palmer April 13, 2011 at 2:32 am

Riley sounds just like Ken tonight. Why don't we draft all the fired public employees, and have them zeppelin-bomb the various countries we're at war with using low income children as ammunition. If you can't fap to poors being thrown onto Muslins from zeppelins, what's the point of living?

undeterredbyreality April 13, 2011 at 2:42 am

Riley, you were about–what?–seven when Dana Perino was doin that shtick, right? And you were already fapping to her lovely mouth? Good on ya, mate. Precocious little bugger.

pinkocommi April 13, 2011 at 3:42 am

At least Americans are still number 1 at thinking we are number 1. And we still actually are number 1 at some things, like obesity and incarcerating our citizenry. U-S-A! U-S-A!

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 13, 2011 at 3:54 am

On the other hand, it is a great time to be rich . . . until the Revolution comes.

Negropolis April 13, 2011 at 5:57 am

Remember when Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette tried to flee Paris disguised as paupers? Yeah when Louis & Marie Rebooted try to escape this time dressed-down in Old Navy and driving a 1985 Ford Tempo, they won't even make it that far.

horsedreamer_1 April 13, 2011 at 9:32 am

At least they'll have money to gas up their car.

Eminem's first LP becomes more & more prescient with each day: "I'm tired of having to borrow a dollar for gas to start my Monte Carlo".

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 13, 2011 at 3:58 am

Goodness, a lot of the Wonkette brain trust is up late tonight.

And, Riley, getting drunk and staying up late posting about your masturbation habits might make you the next Philip Roth, but its no way to live your life. Get some sleep, and couldn't you find a nice girl to settle down with? Your mother worries.

MiniMencken April 13, 2011 at 4:16 am

My polo ponies weep with me…This is no way to be…For a once great country…Depressed I shall be…Untill we rise to be…People who can see… What the future will be… We will to see…Oh so clearly!

Salam Bombay April 13, 2011 at 4:26 am

I agree. America is looking really depressing from an outsider's point of view.

Negropolis April 13, 2011 at 5:58 am

Just imagine how it's looking from the inside. It used to be that the delusional outnumbered the lucid, but now just about everybody is seeing that the jig is up. Democrat and Republican, liberal and conservative alike see the decay, we're just more polarized than ever as to what caused it and how to fix it.

Like a junkie, conservatives seem to think that just one more hit of Reaganomics will actually work this time. Fools, every last one of them. This nation's about to OD, y'all.

KenLayIsAlive April 13, 2011 at 11:40 am

But not like, a knocked out, sleeepy OD on heroin. More like a sweating, heart popping, stabbing spree caused by shooting up too much meth and corn syrup.

Mumbletypeg April 13, 2011 at 4:35 am

Singing dude goes for unsettling lengths without blinking, about once per stanza; it's almost as freakish as Benincasa's impersonation of Michelle Bachmann someone linked a while back.
Oh and homeless veterans. The ones sitting in the median near where I'm idling in the left turn lane? are the ones giving me a doleful, pitying look of late — is how bad I figure it's gotten, that look as if the knotted knob of worry in my brow was about to sprout tentacles to ninja-flex themselves out the car window at him.

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 13, 2011 at 4:39 am

Perhaps Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and the Republicans are right. Everything would be just fine if Coloreds and Jews went back to knowing their place.

Negropolis April 13, 2011 at 6:02 am

Where's that? In their wives' bedrooms?

Gopherit April 13, 2011 at 12:15 pm

You forgot about women. Seems like a man has to ask to get a sandwich anymore.

GeneralLerong April 13, 2011 at 4:41 am

Speaking of homeless hobos….

Oliver twists

V572..whatever April 13, 2011 at 7:36 am

Donovan's "Hurdy-Gurdy Man" was a lot better.

horsedreamer_1 April 13, 2011 at 9:58 am

Today, we are all wishing we'd be snuffed out by the Zodiac killer.

Sweet release of death!

Camaro Nova April 13, 2011 at 7:49 am

The Schubert surprised me Riley. Elistist libtards, no one will sing to you, and your Winter's journey will have no end.

Monsieur_Grumpe April 13, 2011 at 8:42 am

Riley, that picture has made my day and will haunt me for the rest of my life.

BaldarTFlagass April 13, 2011 at 8:43 am

Well, that's a happy post to start the day. Now I'll go out and carpe diem with a gleam in my eye, a spring in my step, and a song in my heart.

It's a beautiful mornin' ahhh
I think I'll go outside a while
An jus' smile
Just take in some clean fresh air boy
Ain't no sense in stayin' inside
If the weather's fine an' you got the time
It's your chance to wake up and plan another brand new day
Either way
It's a beautiful mornin' ahhh

There will be children with robins and flowers
Sunshine caresses each new waking hour
Seems to me that the people keep seeing
More and more each day gotta say lead the way
It's okay wednesday thursday it's okay
Ahhh monday wednesday friday weekday ah ah ohhh

Just kidding!

vulpes82 April 13, 2011 at 8:53 am

See what you've done, Ken! You've taken a sweet, innocent, happy intern and turned him into an weeping, agoraphobic paranoiac! You should be ashamed.

undeterredbyreality April 13, 2011 at 9:10 am

No, the downfister is not awake yet. Stupid fat thumb. Sorry–consider yourself multiply upfisted.

vulpes82 April 13, 2011 at 9:45 am

S'alright! I've done it myself. Isn't it a terrible feeling?

WinterOuthouse April 13, 2011 at 9:26 am


jus_wonderin April 13, 2011 at 10:27 am

"Late at night when there aren’t any police sirens or screams…"

Where the fuck is this bit of paradise???? Can I haz ticket???

Hatrabbit April 13, 2011 at 11:20 am

HaHa I moved here from a really great country!

HaHA joke's on you! … oh, wait a minute, I mean joke's on me.


aguacatero April 13, 2011 at 2:05 pm

What are the really great countries?

My nominees might include Canada, Denmark, maybe Belize and Costa Rica, maybe Sweden?

emmelemm April 13, 2011 at 3:46 pm

Finland, New Zealand…

Hatrabbit April 13, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Australia Mate!

Thurman Munster IV April 13, 2011 at 11:36 am

I think he sang:

Die, Bart, Die! (The, Bart, The!)

AKbum April 13, 2011 at 12:30 pm

"We miss the “good old days,” when at least you could masturbate to the dirty, dirty lies about how great Our Nation is…"

SOMEONE'S been missing out of some fantastic Bachmann speeches in Iowa. [Fap, Fap, Fap]

sportshort April 13, 2011 at 2:12 pm

PotUerSsvilAle! Take out the USA and that's what you've got! ( I see that if you squint a little, it looks like Potusersville. Not a bad idea.)

DemmeFatale April 13, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Leave it to the Germans to make an art form out of bleakness.

prommie April 13, 2011 at 3:33 pm

Angst, its the new black.

ShaveTheWhales April 13, 2011 at 6:07 pm

Waggs, while I admire your encapsulation, how could you resist going as far down as

"Will you grind your organ to my songs?" (Those Deutschers, huh?)

Also, since no one else seems to have done this:

You know who else liked peppy straight-faced German songs?

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