America About As Awful As Ever

Here are just a few reasons why you should move to the Moon as soon as possible: Predictable asshole Scott Walker has threatened to fire public employees if his famous union-busting bill remains tied up in court. Meanwhile, Barack Obama is frantically Zeppelin-bombing brown people all over the world, for Freedom -- and our trillion-dollar deficit woes will soon be over, once we stop wasting federal money on "food for children from low-income families." Habeas corpus has now been suspended for almost ten years, so if you haven't paid your taxes yet you will be raped by the CIA, in Lithuania. (We miss the "good old days," when at least you couldmasturbate to the dirty, dirty lies about how great Our Nation is -- since they usually came out of Dana Perino's tender, post-911 mouth-hole on C-SPAN Live, so you could fap in real time.) Never Forget.

We hardly ever leave the house anymore because what's outside? Another pointless war? Late at night when there aren't any police sirens or screams we sometimes hear the homeless Vietnam veteran in the alleyway playing a Justin Bieber remix on his hurdy-gurdy:

Barefoot on the ice,

he staggers to and fro,

and his little tray

ever remains empty.

No one wants to hear him,

no one looks at him,

and the dogs snarl

around the old man.

Why won't anyone give him

a McDonald's sandwich?