the saddest man on earth

Lawsuit Forces Charlie Crist To Make Humiliating YouTube Apology Video

If he hadn’t tried for the Senate, Charlie Crist might be running for president right now. Instead, as the result of that David Byrne lawsuit, he looks like he was kidnapped while out selling his wedding ring at a pawn shop and has been forced at gunpoint to read off a list of demands in a poorly lit basement. So, things always work out in the end.

Former Florida Gov. Charlie Crist has settled a lawsuit filed by Talking Heads singer David Byrne after Crist used one of the group’s songs without permission in a campaign ad last year, both parties confirmed Monday.

Terms of the settlement were not released, but it included a recorded apology by Crist that was posted on YouTube Monday afternoon. Byrne had sued Crist for $1 million for using the song “Road to Nowhere” in a YouTube video attacking Marco Rubio, one of the governor’s opponents in the U.S. Senate race.

We assumed Charlie Crist was dead. Nope. He just looks like his is. Or like he wants to be. Where is he? What did he do with his life? Why did he marry a woman? [Orlando Sentinel]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


  1. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    This video was only half of the settlement. Another video, in which Crist sucks on a door knob, was made for Byrne's private viewing pleasure and not publicly released.

    1. jjdaddyo

      Actually, if I was David Byrne, I might have made Charlie Crist sing Beck's "Loser", accompanied by Mike Huckabee on slide guitar. I'd buy that for a dollar.

        1. baconzgood

          You could have gone with "My Beautiful Mind" but the Dr. got all film school. Niiiiice.

    1. mourningnmerica

      Right now, John Boehner is jealous, yes so jealous, just like Christian Bale over the business cards in "American Psycho".

    2. Negropolis

      I'm sure he's tells himself so long as Snookie and the rest of the cast of the Jersey Shore don't apologize, neither will he. Also, Boehner. Also. Tambien.

  2. Barbara_i

    David Byrne is perfectly okay if Lindsey Graham uses his "Dance On Vaseline" lyrics.

  3. fuflans

    what is this 'sense of responsibility and admission of wrongdoing', hmmm?

    this is not republican behavior we can believe in.

    1. UpfistTroll

      He's not sorry he did it. He's sorry he got caught.

      Seems like pretty typical Republican behavior to me.

    2. SorosBot

      It's another one of Crist's displays of moderate reasonable that made him unelectable to the GOP base.

    3. whiterabid

      If he was a real Republican, he would have said something like, if we aint' talking about gun rights, we aint' talking about rights.

    1. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

      Naw, this is still Crist we're talking about. It's more like "Life During Bore Time," innit?

      Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of:

      Well there is just no love,
      When there's boys and girls.
      And the girls boys want to be with the girls boys

    1. baconzgood

      Didn't one of the Florida OJ spokes woman go totally nutz and ultra-tea bagger before it was cool and lose her job?

  4. Limeylizzie

    I always feel a wee bit sorry for Charlie, he seems so much less cunty than most other Republicans.

  5. Goonemeritus

    Seems like a nice sincerer fellow exactly the type of chap we need in politics today, wonder if he running for anything?

  6. KeepFnThatChicken

    If I were sued for a million dollars, I may find myself living in a shotgun shack.

  7. Mahousu

    Poor Charlie Crist. He sees the states across this big nation; he sees the laws made in Washington D.C. He thinks of the ones he considers his favorites, and he thinks "why aren't these people working for me?"

    1. Doktor Zoom

      And I say, I wouldn't live there if you paid me.
      I couldn't live like that, no siree!
      I couldn't do the things the way those people do.
      I wouldn't live there if you paid me to.

  8. memzilla

    Jack, you know we love you like the brother we have to keep bailing out of jail, but your slug, "Lawsuit Forces Charlie Crist To Make Humiliating YouTube Apology Video," is not a factual statement.

    One must first possess a sense of shame in order to be humiliated.

    1. UpfistTroll

      "Lawsuit Forces Charlie Crist To Make YouTube Apology Video That Ordinary Humans Would Find Humiliating" probably wouldn't fit, though.

    2. bagofmice

      This is orders of magnitude greater in levels of shame than you will see expressed 2012 campaigns. Let us congratulate this man in a moment of clarity.

  9. pinkocommi

    Charlie Crist must not be gay after all because, during that entire video, I swear he was staring at my tits.

  10. ManchuCandidate

    You may find yourself running for Fla. Senator
    And you may find yourself using one of my old tunes
    And you may find yourself losing a lawsuit to me, David Byrne
    You may find yourself with a wife as a beard, in front of a camera
    You may ask yourself, "Well, how did I get here?"

    Abusing my copyrights, the lawyers held him down
    Abusing my copyrights, lawyers made him sit
    On Youtube again, after his lawyer's lost
    Once in a lifetime, apology on Youtube*

    *unlike Charlie Crist, I have parody protection… but I may have to apologize for being stupid.

  11. OneYieldRegular

    Say, all you crazy college kids being prosecuted for P2P file-sharing, did you know you can now get off by simply posting a YouTube apology, instead of being forced to pay thousands in fines? Just tell 'em Charlie Crist sent ya.

  12. LesBontemps

    Where is he? What did he do with his life?

    I don't know about the rest of his life, but this week he'll be talking to trial lawyers in New Jersey:

    How Mass Torts Cases Protect Present & Future Consumers
    Hon. Charlie Crist, Former Governor the State of Florida • St. Petersburg, FL

  13. Texan_Bulldog

    A lawsuit involving Charlie Crist & no mention of Vaseline, goats or disco balls? So disappointed…

  14. BarackMyWorld

    "This ain't no party, this ain't no disco, this ain't no foolin' around," said the judge.

  15. BaldarTFlagass

    Our governor's crazy
    Did you hear what he said?

    David should have also sued him for stealing his downy white hair.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Business and pleasure
      Lie right to your face
      Divide it in sections
      And then give it away.

      It would appear that Mr. Byrne encapsulated the whole of Republican policy since approximately 1980

    2. horsedreamer_1

      If that's the case, then Byrne should be suing Packers GM Ted Thompson for a Super Bowl ring.

      Seriously, they could be twins.

  16. Gopherit

    Road to Nowhere? Psycho Killer, Burning Down the House, Girlfriend is Better……any of these would have been better campaign songs in Florida.

  17. Jerri

    Some (ex) civil servants are just like my loved ones.

    If my loved ones were orange, failed candidates for public office who don't understand copyright laws.

  18. SorosBot

    2 Live Crew, whose Supreme Court victory became the literal textbook case on parody for IP law?

  19. johnnymeatworth


    Scottish-born Byrne said he was feeling "very manly" after his trip to Tampa to meet Mr Crist.

    "Other artists may actually have the anger but not want to take the time and risk the legal bills," he said. "I am lucky that I can do that."

    He said that by standing up for his rights as a composer, the unauthorised use of songs in political campaigns could be "made to be a less common option or, better yet, an option that is never taken in the future".

    1. Rotundo_

      The beautiful part of this, isn't Orange Chucklenuts reading off an apology on YouTube, that was fine, but that this puts a chill in the air for people wanting to coopt an artists work without their permission. Now stop and think about artistic folk in general. Now think of the vast talent pool that the Republican party has to draw from *legally*: Ray Stevens and Charlie Daniels, there's a few usta was rockers, Dee Snider, and some others.

  20. harry_palmer

    The down syndrome fister has brought a couple of his playmates in from whatever alley they turn tricks in to help him try to shit on comments they don't read and wouldn't understand if they did.

    1. Negropolis

      And, may I be so bold as to ask what alternate universe you've been a citizen of for the past, oh, decade?

  21. BklynIlluminati

    Charlie learn internet meme #276 Haterz gonna hate. Not really gonna help but hey at least you tried you pwned tool.

  22. BlueStateLibel

    Would we be racing towards Civil War II/Le Guillotine if we learned anything from history?

  23. Doktor Zoom

    I dunno, I always thought Nothing But Flowers had the best summation of Florida politicians' attitude: "If this is paradise, I wish I had a lawnmower."

    Then again, most of what I know about FL politics comes from Carl Hiaasen and Dave Barry.

  24. Doktor Zoom

    Take a look at this tan.
    Take a look at this tan.
    Fake tan speaks. The tan of a government man.
    Well I'm a bumbler. Apology under punches.
    I'm so insincere.

    Don't you miss it, don't you miss it.
    Some 'a you people just about missed it!
    Last time I'll seem humble!
    Well I'm a stumbler…
    I was a Government Man.

  25. user-of-owls

    Let's just admit it. If Charlie had worn the Big Suit, he would have beaten Rubella, or whatever he's called.

    Oh, and it's high time we had a president, governor or federal reserve chief from RISD. Ours would be a different world should that come to pass, my friends.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      I had to google that "RISD," and assumed you meant Rhode Island School o' Design, not the Roswell (NM) Independent School District. Impressive bunch of alums, I'll say. Gotta like a school what give us Roz Chast, Martin Mull, Gus Van Sant, AND Talking Heads. And, one presumes, a certain implementor of strigiformes?

  26. BarackMyWorld

    If he hadn’t tried for the Senate, Charlie Crist might be running for president right now.

    Or maybe even serving a second term as governor.

  27. peaceocrap

    "A video advertisement utilized a song…" "the advertisement was posted on my campaign website, on youtube…" I love the passive voice. These things just happen; nobody is responble for it, even if Crist is sorry that it "happened."

  28. mrblifil

    The video cut off for some reason just before David Byrne burst into the room and started slapping Charlie about the head and ears with his cock.

  29. tcaalaw

    I'm amazed that Crist agreed to do this. He either is planning on never running for public office again or he's so broke that he couldn't give Byrne enough money to buy his way out of having to issue the video apology.

Comments are closed.