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Justin Bieber Unable To Broker Israel-Palestine Agreement

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has canceled his date with pop sensation Justin Bieber over the singer’s refusal to meet with children living in communities affected by Gaza rocket fire, Channel Two reported on Tuesday.

The prime minister was scheduled to host the young singer at his office in Jerusalem on Wednesday evening, before Bieber’s Thursday night concert.

Until Israel gets serious with Bieber and holds talks without preconditions, there will never be a solution to this conflict. And he won’t agree to be the boyfriend of EITHER Israel or Palestine. [Haaretz]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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65 comments

    1. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

      Yeah, it's getting pretty stupid round these parts, ain't it? You wanna go halfsies on a rocket to Mars?

  1. Barbara_i

    Tweeted by Willow Palin (for realz)
    "I have Bieber fever!"
    and I responded (for realz)
    "It's probably just herpes"

  2. Grief_Lessons

    In this Justin Beiber joins Avril Lavigne, Anne Murray, Joni Mitchell, Matthew Good, David Usher, and all four members of Sloan on the list of Canadian pop stars who failed to broker mid-east peace.

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          KMAC/KISS here in San Antonio played the shit out of April Wine back in the late 70s before they broke big. They still tour like a mofo up in Canada. You know they're all over town…

      1. Grief_Lessons

        I just didn't want Bieber on the same list as Neil Young, no matter how tangentially music-related.

    1. jus_wonderin

      We'll be shadows in the moonlight, darlin I'll meet you at midnight
      Hand and hand we'll go, dancin' through the Milky Way
      And we'll find a little hide a way where we can love the whole night away
      We'll be shadows in the moonlight right up `til the light of day

    2. tcaalaw

      Yes, but what about Gordon Lightfoot's accomplishment in negotiating the return of the Sinai to Egypt in exchange for Egypt's diplomatic recognition of Israel? Or Alanis Morissette's role in brokering an end to the war in Bosnia?

  3. CliveWarren

    "Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has canceled his date with pop sensation Justin Bieber"

    Deputy Prime Minister Bieberman to the rescue!!!

    "Until Israel gets serious with Bieber and holds talks without preconditions, there will never be a solution to this conflict"

    Israel doesn't negotiate with hooded cocks.

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe he would have been more amenable if they had let him fire a couple of Delilah or Jericho II surface-to-surface missiles back over at the Palestinians. Teenage boys love that kinda shit.

  5. pinkocommi

    "the singer’s refusal to meet with children living in communities affected by Gaza rocket fire"

    Why is the Bieb so anti-semitic?

    1. weejee

      Proves he's flying under the gheydar so he can unleash all of America pre-tennie boppers as suicide bombers taking out every Walmart and Target in the country.

  6. SorosBot

    If the mighty Bieber has failed, then what pop sensation will be able to create peace in the Middle East? Maybe the power of Katy Perry's too-hot-for-Sesame-Street breasts can do when the androgynous moppet could not.

  7. horsedreamer_1

    & I was really hoping for a baklava-poutine hybrid to emerge from JB's time in the Levant. Another opportunity missed.

  8. RedneckMuslin

    Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has canceled his date with pop sensation Justin Bieber over the singer’s refusal to meet with children living in communities affected by Gaza rocket fire.

    Because he doesn't want to get his ass blown up??? Although, I wouldn't mind seeing that. Baby, baby, baby.

  9. arihaya

    WAIT !!

    so that mean … after Israel, Justin Beiber will visit North Korea, right?? the other hotspot of violence and conflicts …

  10. OkieDokieDog

    Why the hell was the PM "meeting" with the Biebs man/child anyway? This is almost as bad as the POTUS always being on vacation, or shootin' hoops wit da boyz, or eating fatty foods behind the FLOTUS back.

    This is all Canada's fault.

  11. Texan_Bulldog

    Is the Bieb a little bit pro-Palestinian? Shit, he has more depth than all the fundies and Snowbilly put together.

  12. Negropolis

    Oh ye of little faith; Bieber saves!

    BTW, this is probably the first time I've had any respect for the Biebs.

Comments are closed.