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Justin Bieber Unable To Broker Israel-Palestine Agreement

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Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has canceled his date with pop sensation Justin Bieber over the singer’s refusal to meet with children living in communities affected by Gaza rocket fire, Channel Two reported on Tuesday.

The prime minister was scheduled to host the young singer at his office in Jerusalem on Wednesday evening, before Bieber’s Thursday night concert.

Until Israel gets serious with Bieber and holds talks without preconditions, there will never be a solution to this conflict. And he won’t agree to be the boyfriend of EITHER Israel or Palestine. [Haaretz]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • WinterOuthouse

    Beiber/Bachmann 2012

  • SmutBoffin

    Dumb. Everything is dumb.

    • Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

      Yeah, it's getting pretty stupid round these parts, ain't it? You wanna go halfsies on a rocket to Mars?

  • Barbara_i

    Tweeted by Willow Palin (for realz)
    "I have Bieber fever!"
    and I responded (for realz)
    "It's probably just herpes"

    • horsedreamer_1

      Truly, blood libel.

    • DownFist Troll

      Well this wins the internet for today.

    • Callyson

      You sure that's not beaver fever?
      Margaret Cho — Notorious C.H.O Part 5/10 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mBvsvEzU72Q

  • KathrynSane

    Oy vey.

  • http://andrewdrinker.wordpress.com Andrew Drinker

    Well if Bieber can't fix the Middle East, forget about even thinking of sending Sec. Clinton!

  • Grief_Lessons

    In this Justin Beiber joins Avril Lavigne, Anne Murray, Joni Mitchell, Matthew Good, David Usher, and all four members of Sloan on the list of Canadian pop stars who failed to broker mid-east peace.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I think you left out Rush and Max Webster and April Wine.

      • DaRooster

        I love April Wine…

        … it's made by Boone's Farm right?

      • Texan_Bulldog

        Sign of the Gypsy Queen, baby! (Such an obscure mid-80s band–I think I love you.)

        • BaldarTFlagass

          KMAC/KISS here in San Antonio played the shit out of April Wine back in the late 70s before they broke big. They still tour like a mofo up in Canada. You know they're all over town…

          • Grief_Lessons

            Sign of the Gypsy Queen is still in the top forty in Canada.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Neil Young, too, also. Couldn't even get Bibi to take a hit on the bong.

      • Grief_Lessons

        I just didn't want Bieber on the same list as Neil Young, no matter how tangentially music-related.

    • DownFist Troll

      Shatner tried back in '67…didn't go so well

      • horsedreamer_1


      • GOPCrusher

        Should try it again, now that he's the Priceline Negotiator.

    • jus_wonderin

      We'll be shadows in the moonlight, darlin I'll meet you at midnight
      Hand and hand we'll go, dancin' through the Milky Way
      And we'll find a little hide a way where we can love the whole night away
      We'll be shadows in the moonlight right up `til the light of day

    • arihaya

      only one hope left in Canada: "The Lumberjack Song"-singing Mounties

    • tcaalaw

      Yes, but what about Gordon Lightfoot's accomplishment in negotiating the return of the Sinai to Egypt in exchange for Egypt's diplomatic recognition of Israel? Or Alanis Morissette's role in brokering an end to the war in Bosnia?

  • widestanceroman

    And what color are the lil' anti-Semite's toenails, cuz I'm guessing YELLOW!

  • CliveWarren

    "Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has canceled his date with pop sensation Justin Bieber"

    Deputy Prime Minister Bieberman to the rescue!!!

    "Until Israel gets serious with Bieber and holds talks without preconditions, there will never be a solution to this conflict"

    Israel doesn't negotiate with hooded cocks.

    • finallyhappy

      So does Bibi's wife know he was dating an underage goy?

    • Limeylizzie

      Neither do I , if I can help it.

      • Negropolis

        Are you saying you only negotiate with men with uncowled, shaved heads?

        • Limeylizzie

          Yes, I am, it's just a preference, but one of the joys of the USA

  • Troubledog

    But they had no problem being nice to Sarah Palin.

    • freakishlywrong

      Palin doesn't have Bieber's depth.

      • LocalGirlMakesGoo

        Wait, you're talking about deepthroating, right?

    • arihaya

      that proved that Palin is dumber than Bieber

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe he would have been more amenable if they had let him fire a couple of Delilah or Jericho II surface-to-surface missiles back over at the Palestinians. Teenage boys love that kinda shit.

  • pinkocommi

    "the singer’s refusal to meet with children living in communities affected by Gaza rocket fire"

    Why is the Bieb so anti-semitic?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Proves he's flying under the gheydar so he can unleash all of America pre-tennie boppers as suicide bombers taking out every Walmart and Target in the country.

  • SorosBot

    If the mighty Bieber has failed, then what pop sensation will be able to create peace in the Middle East? Maybe the power of Katy Perry's too-hot-for-Sesame-Street breasts can do when the androgynous moppet could not.

    • jus_wonderin

      I hear The Hansons are available.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Today, we are all Jewish tween victims of encroached rocket fire.

  • neiltheblaze

    How dare Justin Bieber not allow Netanyeehaw to use him to score propaganda points!

  • horsedreamer_1

    & I was really hoping for a baklava-poutine hybrid to emerge from JB's time in the Levant. Another opportunity missed.

    • LesBontemps

      I threw up in my mouth a little just reading that.

  • http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=351473119155 Fred_Wertham_Jr

    I'm brushing my lips with my forefinger going Bibi Bieber Bibi Bieber Bibi Bieber.

    • Radio_Level_7

      That's what the downfister does with his hemorrhoids.

    • horsedreamer_1

      You write jokes for Letterman?

  • keepitupguys

    Yes, I am giving up on gay men.

  • proudgrampa

    Oh, hell. He's Canadian. That explains everything.

    • horsedreamer_1

      How can he hate the Jews when Canada gave us Leonard Cohen?

  • RedneckMuslin

    Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has canceled his date with pop sensation Justin Bieber over the singer’s refusal to meet with children living in communities affected by Gaza rocket fire.

    Because he doesn't want to get his ass blown up??? Although, I wouldn't mind seeing that. Baby, baby, baby.

    • DashboardTrumpet

      Only if he covers Del Shannon's I Go to Pieces.

  • arihaya

    WAIT !!

    so that mean … after Israel, Justin Beiber will visit North Korea, right?? the other hotspot of violence and conflicts …

    • poncho_pilot

      he doesn't want to visit Thailand: Neil Bush might be there, drunk and confused.

  • OkieDokieDog

    Why the hell was the PM "meeting" with the Biebs man/child anyway? This is almost as bad as the POTUS always being on vacation, or shootin' hoops wit da boyz, or eating fatty foods behind the FLOTUS back.

    This is all Canada's fault.

  • Hatrabbit

    Justin Bieber failed us? Quick! send in Rebecca Black

    • SorosBot

      Send Prussian Blue – that would work well.

      • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

        +1 for knowing Prussian Blue.

        • ShaveTheWhales

          They're the house band here at Wonkette,

          The nut house.

      • poncho_pilot


    • Negropolis

      How can you be that cruel? Haven't they suffered enough?

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Is the Bieb a little bit pro-Palestinian? Shit, he has more depth than all the fundies and Snowbilly put together.

  • poncho_pilot

    well, bless his hateful little heart!

  • Negropolis

    Oh ye of little faith; Bieber saves!

    BTW, this is probably the first time I've had any respect for the Biebs.

  • Negropolis

    This is why I miss Michael Jackson.

  • MiniMencken

    Ein Volk! Ein Reich! Ein Bieber!

  • MistaEko

    Netenyahu was like Gaza, Gaza, Gaza, Oh!
    But Bieber was like Gaza, Gaza, Gaza? No.