political column

Roger Simon: 2012 Election To Be Obama/Kucinich Showdown

Scream in terror at the amazing predictive powers of ROGER SIMON!Roger Simon is paid a six-figure salary to be right about politics, so expect him to resign November 7, 2012 if this prognostication of his does not happen: Republicans are so worthless they may not even field a candidate for the first presidential election since 1852, and next year’s contest will be a showdown between Barack Obama and Dennis Kucinich. Is Kucinich going to win? No, Kucinich is not going to win, Simon says, but he has a better chance than the Republicans. (We think that’s what he’s saying? It’s hard to tell, because this column is so dumb.) Anyway, THE POINT IS, if something were to happen to Obama that took his life, Dennis Kucinich would win the presidency.

In a celebrity- and media-driven culture such as ours, being a political celebrity is a huge advantage. Campaign 2008 featured three: John McCain, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.

(I am defining a political celebrity as someone whose life and career are followed not just by people who care about politics but by a broader segment of the population. In other words, people who are fascinated by stars and superstars.)

Yes, John McCain is basically tied with Justin Bieber for biggest preteen heartthrob.

It’s confusing that Simon sets up this “political celebrity” thing as the basis of his column, because he spends the rest of the piece negating it. Donald Trump and Sarah Palin are celebrities, he says, yet they are the ones with no chance. He then says Mitt Romney is a “semi-celebrity.” What? When’s the last time Mittens gave an exclusive interview to Extra from rehab?

Is Dennis Kucinich a celebrity? Simon doesn’t say, because he forgot that was what his column was about.

Hillary Clinton is still around, but she’s not running, Simon decides; she’s said she won’t. Dennis Kucinich has also said he’s not running, but the last time Simon heard him say that was August, so it doesn’t count.

Could Kucinich really get the nomination in 2012? No. But should he do well among liberal Democrats in places like Iowa, for example, he could send a message to the White House.

Yeah, that would send a message to the White House. That nobody but three or four weirdos showed up to the Iowa caucuses.

It takes two wings to fly, and, so far, Obama has not been paying a lot of attention to his left one.

Oh, we had no idea Obama wanted to fly. He seems to get around fine with his legs, car, and airplane, doesn’t he? Or is he secretly a bird and is supposed to fly? Or is Roger Simon slyly referring to pigs flying?

In conclusion, Roger Simon makes more money than you do. Money he should use to buy some medication. [Politico]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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      1. LiveToServeYa

        Kucinich's hair or his own? Donald Trump could take out Kucinich with his messed-up hair. He probably has to register it as a deadly weapon.

    1. Swampgas_Man

      'Scuse me, but isn't this what we damned dirty hippies have been saying for the past year?

    1. cheaphits

      It must be a windowless van without T.V., radio or the interwebz and he must very seldom venture out and then only to steal ladies panties off the clothesline.

    1. James Michael Curley

      "Our 'neoconservatives' are neither new nor conservative, but old as Bablyon and evil as Hell."

    1. Goonemeritus

      He is really on it today, you folk must have hurt his feelings pretty bad when you told him he couldn’t play in any of your reindeer games.

      1. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

        Why would I want to prevent spanky2b from following me? I love that he wastes his time in some sort of meaningless and futile quest to hurt my fee-fees. I bask in his childish, impotent hate, it is like a balm unto my soul.

  1. memzilla

    What the hell are they smoking over at Politico? For $125K a year, you really should be able to afford better drugz.

    1. ManchuCandidate

      Well, if that's them sober… I can only imagine what they'd be like high.

      Politico staffer1: "Duuuuuude… pass me the Doritos… holy fuck I'm soooooh high… John McCain heeheeheeeheeeheeeheeeheee Walnuts heeheeheehee… oh the next preznit should be… Tim Pawlenty… heeheehee"
      Politico staffer 2: "Fuck bro, you're harshing my high."

  2. CliveWarren

    "He seems to get around fine with his legs, car, and airplane, doesn’t he?"

    I think you mean leg… His right knee happens to be on a park bench in New York.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Not eligible: born in England. DK could make her Sec'y of State, though. (Which would mean it'd be becoming quite the womanly office: four of the last five would have been women (Albright, Rice, Clinton, Eliz. Kucin.; Colin Powell as the outlier).)

        1. horsedreamer_1

          In which case: Obama for PM!

          (Seeing as he was born a subject of the British Crown, in Kenya Colony, East Africa.)

  3. freakishlywrong

    Anyone get the feeling that we're being set up to be so utterly demoralized that we'll just skip 2012 like we did 2010 so The American People™ can win again?

    Fuck you, fistola.

    1. KeepFnThatChicken

      Disregarding everything that the David Axelrod lookalike has to say, as long as we're looking at the following list of candidates for President of the Idiocracy:


      there will be demoralization. None of these fucks deserve the attention they get now, let alone as viable, real candidates for the gestunken office.

    2. deanbooth

      What will be most demoralizing is when someone like Bachmann brings the full crazy (e.g., "Jefferson was a itinerant Baptist preacher.") and the interviewer lets it slide. Like when they all smiled and nodded at the claim that Palin's being governor of Alaska gave her foreign policy experience.

      It's demoralizing just knowing that it will happen.

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    Is Dennis Kucinich a celebrity?
    I think that being a non-millionaire nebbish with a hot wife vaults him into that category, perhaps.

    1. AJW@[redacted]

      I don't care about fame, but I could maybe be persuaded to bone a Kardashian, for money.

  5. harry_palmer

    Sarah Palin is followed not just by people who care about politics but by a broader segment of the population – people who like to make fun of the retards running the Republican Party.

  6. weejee

    Is Roger being treated at the same clinic as Gabby Giffords?

    15 seconds to zero. It appears that our troll had a good rest last night and has slithered out from its hidey hole twixt Newt's buttocks.

  7. ifthethunderdontgetya

    It’s hard to tell, because this column is so dumb.

    Yeah, but you read it, Jack. And even wrote a blog about it.

    So what does that make you? Even worse, what does that make us??

    *head explodes*

  8. SorosBot

    And who is Roger Simon?

    To answer my one question, he is a writer at Politico – one who apparently prefers pointless speculation to actual reporting or substantive analysis.

  9. baconzgood

    What the fuck is a “semi-celebrity"? Can we get a definition or example of a "semi-celebrity" other than Mitt Romney? Aren't you either famous or not? Throw me a bone here wonkers I'z haz de confuzed.

    1. memzilla

      "Semi-Celebrity" means they'll let you into the club, but won't comp you the free bottle service.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Sparkling Grape Juice, for Mittens? Otherwise, that's an Honour Code violation.

        Brandon Davies — Never Again!

  10. Sassomatic

    He then says Mitt Romney is a “semi-celebrity.”

    He means Republicans only have a partial hard-on for him.

  11. Sassomatic

    With his one right wing, Obama can fly, but only in circles, getting nowhere. So that sounds about right.

    1. PubOption

      Are the circles ever-decreasing, so that he will eventually disappear up his own asshole?

  12. horsedreamer_1

    Honestly, if the GOP didn't field a candidate — wouldn't happen, since the party would lose its 2016 standing, if not mistaken — Bloomberg or Perot or some such would step in with a third party run. Someone other than Kucinich.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      That was supposed to be on UltimateSurrender.com, but as with the later Mayweather-Pacquiao fight, the combatants could not come to terms.

  13. Rosie_Scenario

    Just upfisted all to counteract the latest troll. Do you think he learns anything on his trolling expeditions? I didn't think so either.

    1. SorosBot

      I don't think he even reads our comments most of the time, seeing as he's also stalked NaderPaulKucinichGravel as if he were one of us and not a fellow troll.

    2. ---....--------.-x

      The guy is fucked in the head. He has multiple accounts and replies to himself on the beerfart sites. Looks like he spends a ton of time here just clicking thumbs down. He definitely has some mental issues.

  14. randcoolcatdaddy

    I could see Obama and Kucinich in the Republican primary, but who will be running on the Dem ticket?

  15. harry_palmer

    If this is the guy who used to write for the Chicago Slum Times back in the day, he's made a big move from sleazy local tabloid hack to sleazy political fanzine hack.

  16. JustPixelz

    "…if something were to happen to Obama …"

    If I understand Donald Trumpette correctly, Obama is going to get deported. Of course that would cause massive layoffs in the right-wing propaganda machine. And a sudden interest in expanding the safety net so Breitbart, Hannity, Palin™, Malkin, Limbaugh, Beck can get a helping hand during hard times.

  17. DaRooster

    "Anyway, THE POINT IS, if something were to happen to Obama that took his life, Dennis Kucinich would win the presidency. "

    So Kucinich might be able to win over a dead guy?

    1. horsedreamer_1

      I'm going to assume this is a reference to DK's endowment, making him the Jason "Wee-Man" Acuna of the Politics set. But I really don't want to know how you know the size of Denny's thang.

  18. EatsBabyDingos

    Two wings for the fly to fly; rip them off, and you have a "walk," which isn't the same as running.

    And besides, Reagan will run from the grave- Reagan-Ouija 2012. Dick Cheney can be the Ouija medium, since he's already got one foot in Hell. There will be bacon.

  19. GeneralLerong

    I'd like to personally thank the clownfister for increasing my P score due to all the gratuitous upfist festivals he sponsors.

    Off to upfist absolutely everybody…

        1. horsedreamer_1

          Next, on a very special episode of The Rachel Maddow Show: the host & special guest Ana Marie Cox engage in stimulating repartee with Michelle Obama & Elizabeth Kucinich. That's how we'll find out.

  20. littlebigdaddy

    We have Simon Roger's opinion. Now what about Lou Sarah's? BTW don't you think it's cute that Sarah has the classier spelling for her name, with the "h"?

  21. DeeJayKitteh

    I'm glad he was brave enough to go out on a limb and posit the controversial theory that people vote for candidates with whom they are familiar. Me? I like to go into the voting booth and select the person who I've never heard of in my entire life, but I like to live on the edge.

  22. Callyson

    While I hardly think this guy is worth six figures, the article is actually an improvement over some media coverage. In fact, his Politico article reminded me of two useful facts:
    1. Google “Trump” and “bankruptcy,” you get 3.47 million hits.
    2. In a Democratic candidate debate in October 2007, he was forced to admit he had once seen a UFO at Shirley MacLaine’s house in the 1980s. This was not considered helpful to his presidential aspirations.

    1. littlebigdaddy

      Dude, you'd been smoking some of Shirley's weed, you too would've seen a UFO. Yeah, Dennis has a little of the Jerry Brown, Bob Kerry hanging out with celeb chicks thing going, so that's a plus, imo.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Debra Winger is still ridiculously good looking. Why'd Bob drop her?

        (Last I saw of her was in Rachel Getting Married, which was only three years ago.)

  23. Terry

    "But should he do well among liberal Democrats in places like Iowa, for example, he could send a message to the White House. "

    So, beyond areas immediately adjacent to college campuses, does Iowa have a lot of truly liberal Democrats?

    1. Negropolis

      Since it only has one settlement that could even be considered as a semi-major/regional city, I'm guessing not really. Maybe a few in the Mississippi River cities, but that's about it. Density, particularly the kind from industrialization, tends to breed liberals.

  24. BaldarTFlagass

    It would even be better if, after taking office, Dennis woke up black, like Godfrey Cambridge in that movie Watermelon Man.

  25. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    I picture Obama's one-on-one with Kucinich as O holding a basketball several feet over K's head while K jumps at it furiously.

  26. WinterOuthouse

    Charlie Sheen/Martin Sheen 2012. One not as fucked up as the other. Decision 2012, You Decide.

  27. Rotundo_

    I think Nostradumbass here is fantasizing about a run at Barry from the left since it would make what will be a well and truly dismal election cycle at least interesting. The flock of halfwits congealing on the republican roster are all "c" list politicians and unelectable nutcases, and Barry is, well, Barry. I'm sure that his little masturbation break gave him a little lift momentarily but he no doubt sank back down to the bitter and pathetic reality of being a Politico columnist. Being the brightest kernel of corn in the turd doesn't mean you aren't part of a turd.

  28. BZ1

    Roger Simon is POLITICO’s chief political columnist, sure, and pigs can fly… You mean he really, really is…

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