POLITICAL COLUMN  11:33 am April 12, 2011

Roger Simon: 2012 Election To Be Obama/Kucinich Showdown

by Jack Stuef

Scream in terror at the amazing predictive powers of ROGER SIMON!Roger Simon is paid a six-figure salary to be right about politics, so expect him to resign November 7, 2012 if this prognostication of his does not happen: Republicans are so worthless they may not even field a candidate for the first presidential election since 1852, and next year’s contest will be a showdown between Barack Obama and Dennis Kucinich. Is Kucinich going to win? No, Kucinich is not going to win, Simon says, but he has a better chance than the Republicans. (We think that’s what he’s saying? It’s hard to tell, because this column is so dumb.) Anyway, THE POINT IS, if something were to happen to Obama that took his life, Dennis Kucinich would win the presidency.

In a celebrity- and media-driven culture such as ours, being a political celebrity is a huge advantage. Campaign 2008 featured three: John McCain, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.

(I am defining a political celebrity as someone whose life and career are followed not just by people who care about politics but by a broader segment of the population. In other words, people who are fascinated by stars and superstars.)

Yes, John McCain is basically tied with Justin Bieber for biggest preteen heartthrob.

It’s confusing that Simon sets up this “political celebrity” thing as the basis of his column, because he spends the rest of the piece negating it. Donald Trump and Sarah Palin are celebrities, he says, yet they are the ones with no chance. He then says Mitt Romney is a “semi-celebrity.” What? When’s the last time Mittens gave an exclusive interview to Extra from rehab?

Is Dennis Kucinich a celebrity? Simon doesn’t say, because he forgot that was what his column was about.

Hillary Clinton is still around, but she’s not running, Simon decides; she’s said she won’t. Dennis Kucinich has also said he’s not running, but the last time Simon heard him say that was August, so it doesn’t count.

Could Kucinich really get the nomination in 2012? No. But should he do well among liberal Democrats in places like Iowa, for example, he could send a message to the White House.

Yeah, that would send a message to the White House. That nobody but three or four weirdos showed up to the Iowa caucuses.

It takes two wings to fly, and, so far, Obama has not been paying a lot of attention to his left one.

Oh, we had no idea Obama wanted to fly. He seems to get around fine with his legs, car, and airplane, doesn’t he? Or is he secretly a bird and is supposed to fly? Or is Roger Simon slyly referring to pigs flying?

In conclusion, Roger Simon makes more money than you do. Money he should use to buy some medication. [Politico]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 128 comments }

nounverb911 April 12, 2011 at 11:35 am

"2012 Election To Be Obama/Kucinich Showdown"
Has anyone told Biden yet?

Terry April 12, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Biden could take out Kucinich and not mess up his hair.

LiveToServeYa April 12, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Kucinich's hair or his own? Donald Trump could take out Kucinich with his messed-up hair. He probably has to register it as a deadly weapon.

Negropolis April 13, 2011 at 12:38 am

I don't know. I hear it's bark is worse than its bite.

Barbara_i April 12, 2011 at 11:36 am

Knock knock
Who's there?
Dennis Kucinich
Dennis Kucinich, who?
EXACTLY!

Captain_Quark April 12, 2011 at 11:38 am

Time for a haiku:

Roger Simon says
It takes to wings to fly, dude
Watch Obama crash.

Swampgas_Man April 12, 2011 at 3:23 pm

'Scuse me, but isn't this what we damned dirty hippies have been saying for the past year?

freakishlywrong April 12, 2011 at 11:38 am

Now, gimme maybe a Feingold/Obama showdown and maybe I can get excited about voting.

weejee April 12, 2011 at 11:44 am

Sadly it is more likely that it will be Gimme Shelter.

horsedreamer_1 April 12, 2011 at 11:38 am

Somebody tell Roger to get back in his windowless van. He's boring me.

cheaphits April 12, 2011 at 12:05 pm

It must be a windowless van without T.V., radio or the interwebz and he must very seldom venture out and then only to steal ladies panties off the clothesline.

poncho_pilot April 13, 2011 at 12:30 am

not enough songs about this subject (this and Arnold Layne).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PuwjT36fkOo

BaldarTFlagass April 12, 2011 at 11:39 am

I prefer to get my political prognostications from Roger Waters.

FraAnima April 12, 2011 at 11:42 am

can we get another UmmaGumma thread going here?

BaldarTFlagass April 12, 2011 at 11:45 am

That's an almost Sisyphean task.

Ducksworthy April 12, 2011 at 11:51 am

Ha Ha Downfister downfisted you for using a word he didn't understand.

baconzgood April 12, 2011 at 12:00 pm

"That's"?

Callyson April 12, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Now that you mention it, I'll withhold judgement until I hear from John Waters.

jqheywood April 12, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Babs, Babs…..more eggs…

Terry April 12, 2011 at 12:43 pm

I prefer John Waters, myself.

GOPCrusher April 12, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Or Muddy Waters

Swampgas_Man April 12, 2011 at 3:25 pm

Or the Waters of Babylon, where we lay down.

Goonemeritus April 12, 2011 at 11:39 am

If Kucinich won the right would need a whole new set of adjectives.

Terry April 12, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Elfen magic?

Giveusabob April 12, 2011 at 1:50 pm

I'd suggest "Narnian" for Kucinich.

Steverino247 April 12, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Here's the commercial the GOP would run against him: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NvgLkuEtkA

Andrew Drinker April 12, 2011 at 2:01 pm

His contract with Satan only included "hot wife" and not "Presidential term".

Dudleydidwrong April 12, 2011 at 11:21 pm

Hairy-footed Hobbit with a hot wife?

Moonbatting Average April 12, 2011 at 11:40 am

Was it Edward Abbey who said never to trust a man with two first names?

James Michael Curley April 12, 2011 at 12:39 pm

"Our 'neoconservatives' are neither new nor conservative, but old as Bablyon and evil as Hell."

OC_LEVEL 7!!!_Serf April 12, 2011 at 11:40 am

Simon hasn't made much sense since the Garfunkel daze…

BaldarTFlagass April 12, 2011 at 11:41 am

I hear his latest album is pretty good, though; best since Graceland even.

BaldarTFlagass April 12, 2011 at 11:40 am

Ha-ha, negated your downfists, Shorty!

Goonemeritus April 12, 2011 at 11:44 am

He is really on it today, you folk must have hurt his feelings pretty bad when you told him he couldn’t play in any of your reindeer games.

horsedreamer_1 April 12, 2011 at 11:46 am

Cut across, Shorty. Shorty, cut across!

memzilla April 12, 2011 at 11:48 am

Intense Debate is considering implementing a "block user from following you" function, but needs user feedback before they will do it. Leave them a comment if you would like: http://support.intensedebate.com/users/following

Sophist [غني عن ذلك] April 12, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Why would I want to prevent spanky2b from following me? I love that he wastes his time in some sort of meaningless and futile quest to hurt my fee-fees. I bask in his childish, impotent hate, it is like a balm unto my soul.

memzilla April 12, 2011 at 11:40 am

What the hell are they smoking over at Politico? For $125K a year, you really should be able to afford better drugz.

freakishlywrong April 12, 2011 at 11:43 am

Wingnutz..

poncho_pilot April 13, 2011 at 12:39 am

isn't that a breakfast cereal?

ManchuCandidate April 12, 2011 at 11:50 am

Well, if that's them sober… I can only imagine what they'd be like high.

Politico staffer1: "Duuuuuude… pass me the Doritos… holy fuck I'm soooooh high… John McCain heeheeheeeheeeheeeheeeheee Walnuts heeheeheehee… oh the next preznit should be… Tim Pawlenty… heeheehee"
Politico staffer 2: "Fuck bro, you're harshing my high."

CliveWarren April 12, 2011 at 11:41 am

"He seems to get around fine with his legs, car, and airplane, doesn’t he?"

I think you mean leg… His right knee happens to be on a park bench in New York.

HempDogbane April 12, 2011 at 11:42 am

Kucinich/Kucinich's Hot Wife 2012 !

horsedreamer_1 April 12, 2011 at 11:47 am

Not eligible: born in England. DK could make her Sec'y of State, though. (Which would mean it'd be becoming quite the womanly office: four of the last five would have been women (Albright, Rice, Clinton, Eliz. Kucin.; Colin Powell as the outlier).)

riverside68 April 12, 2011 at 1:19 pm

didn't stop Obama

horsedreamer_1 April 12, 2011 at 1:27 pm

In which case: Obama for PM!

(Seeing as he was born a subject of the British Crown, in Kenya Colony, East Africa.)

Andrew Drinker April 12, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Madeline Albright is a man, baby!

poncho_pilot April 13, 2011 at 12:41 am

oh, fuck! she's British, too? that suddenly makes her even hotter to me.

freakishlywrong April 12, 2011 at 11:42 am

Anyone get the feeling that we're being set up to be so utterly demoralized that we'll just skip 2012 like we did 2010 so The American People™ can win again?

Fuck you, fistola.

KeepFnThatChicken April 12, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Disregarding everything that the David Axelrod lookalike has to say, as long as we're looking at the following list of candidates for President of the Idiocracy:

Palin
Gingrich
Bachmann
Trump

there will be demoralization. None of these fucks deserve the attention they get now, let alone as viable, real candidates for the gestunken office.

deanbooth April 12, 2011 at 4:07 pm

What will be most demoralizing is when someone like Bachmann brings the full crazy (e.g., "Jefferson was a itinerant Baptist preacher.") and the interviewer lets it slide. Like when they all smiled and nodded at the claim that Palin's being governor of Alaska gave her foreign policy experience.

It's demoralizing just knowing that it will happen.

emmelemm April 12, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Fistula?

SorosBot April 12, 2011 at 11:43 am

If Kucinich running would be more photos of his hot wife, then I'm all for it.

horsedreamer_1 April 12, 2011 at 11:48 am

Harvey Levin would pay millions for a Lincoln Bedroom sex-tape.

Rosie_Scenario April 12, 2011 at 11:43 am

Because when I think "celebrity," the first name that pops into my head is: Kucinich.

BaldarTFlagass April 12, 2011 at 11:44 am

Is Dennis Kucinich a celebrity?
I think that being a non-millionaire nebbish with a hot wife vaults him into that category, perhaps.

AJW@[redacted] April 12, 2011 at 2:51 pm

I don't care about fame, but I could maybe be persuaded to bone a Kardashian, for money.

harry_palmer April 12, 2011 at 11:45 am

Sarah Palin is followed not just by people who care about politics but by a broader segment of the population – people who like to make fun of the retards running the Republican Party.

MittsHairHelmet April 12, 2011 at 11:45 am

Simon says Kucinich matters. Simon says touch your toes.

weejee April 12, 2011 at 11:45 am

Is Roger being treated at the same clinic as Gabby Giffords?

15 seconds to zero. It appears that our troll had a good rest last night and has slithered out from its hidey hole twixt Newt's buttocks.

ChurchofRealism April 12, 2011 at 11:45 am

Roger Simon – The Anti-Nostradamus…

ifthethunderdontgetya April 12, 2011 at 11:45 am

It’s hard to tell, because this column is so dumb.

Yeah, but you read it, Jack. And even wrote a blog about it.

So what does that make you? Even worse, what does that make us??

*head explodes*
~

SorosBot April 12, 2011 at 11:46 am

And who is Roger Simon?

To answer my one question, he is a writer at Politico – one who apparently prefers pointless speculation to actual reporting or substantive analysis.

Swampgas_Man April 12, 2011 at 3:29 pm

So basically, an average sclm columnist.

baconzgood April 12, 2011 at 11:47 am

What the fuck is a “semi-celebrity"? Can we get a definition or example of a "semi-celebrity" other than Mitt Romney? Aren't you either famous or not? Throw me a bone here wonkers I'z haz de confuzed.

memzilla April 12, 2011 at 11:51 am

"Semi-Celebrity" means they'll let you into the club, but won't comp you the free bottle service.

horsedreamer_1 April 12, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Sparkling Grape Juice, for Mittens? Otherwise, that's an Honour Code violation.

Brandon Davies — Never Again!

poncho_pilot April 13, 2011 at 12:49 am

they can only give you a semi.

Sassomatic April 12, 2011 at 11:47 am

He then says Mitt Romney is a “semi-celebrity.”

He means Republicans only have a partial hard-on for him.

4tehlulz_lite April 12, 2011 at 11:47 am

>Roger Simon

Stopped reading right there.

Doktor Zoom April 12, 2011 at 11:48 am

Time for another repost, since not everyone knows that Kucinich is a bard

KeepFnThatChicken April 12, 2011 at 11:48 am

Did Trump write this?

"I, whom am a political celebrity…"

donner_froh April 12, 2011 at 11:48 am

"It takes two wings to fly,"

No wonder he gets paid to write words. That is such an original trenchant and original expression.

BaldarTFlagass April 12, 2011 at 11:50 am

Surprised he didn't throw in an Icarus reference there viz Obama.

Sassomatic April 12, 2011 at 11:49 am

With his one right wing, Obama can fly, but only in circles, getting nowhere. So that sounds about right.

PubOption April 12, 2011 at 3:44 pm

Are the circles ever-decreasing, so that he will eventually disappear up his own asshole?

poncho_pilot April 13, 2011 at 12:52 am

Obama: the Ouroboros of Soros?

Chillwaver April 12, 2011 at 11:49 am

Kucinich/Frodo 2012!

horsedreamer_1 April 12, 2011 at 11:49 am

Honestly, if the GOP didn't field a candidate — wouldn't happen, since the party would lose its 2016 standing, if not mistaken — Bloomberg or Perot or some such would step in with a third party run. Someone other than Kucinich.

Allmighty_Manos April 12, 2011 at 11:49 am

The Kucinich/Obama match-up will still pale in comparision to the historic Condi vs. Hillary battle of 2008.

horsedreamer_1 April 12, 2011 at 12:30 pm

That was supposed to be on UltimateSurrender.com, but as with the later Mayweather-Pacquiao fight, the combatants could not come to terms.

Rosie_Scenario April 12, 2011 at 11:50 am

Just upfisted all to counteract the latest troll. Do you think he learns anything on his trolling expeditions? I didn't think so either.

SorosBot April 12, 2011 at 11:57 am

I don't think he even reads our comments most of the time, seeing as he's also stalked NaderPaulKucinichGravel as if he were one of us and not a fellow troll.

---....--------.-x April 12, 2011 at 12:42 pm

The guy is fucked in the head. He has multiple accounts and replies to himself on the beerfart sites. Looks like he spends a ton of time here just clicking thumbs down. He definitely has some mental issues.

randcoolcatdaddy April 12, 2011 at 11:51 am

I could see Obama and Kucinich in the Republican primary, but who will be running on the Dem ticket?

harry_palmer April 12, 2011 at 11:52 am

If this is the guy who used to write for the Chicago Slum Times back in the day, he's made a big move from sleazy local tabloid hack to sleazy political fanzine hack.

JustPixelz April 12, 2011 at 11:53 am

"…if something were to happen to Obama …"

If I understand Donald Trumpette correctly, Obama is going to get deported. Of course that would cause massive layoffs in the right-wing propaganda machine. And a sudden interest in expanding the safety net so Breitbart, Hannity, Palin™, Malkin, Limbaugh, Beck can get a helping hand during hard times.

ManchuCandidate April 12, 2011 at 11:53 am

Congratulations Downfister… you brought a friend. I should applaud the fact you have a fist buddy now.

DerrickWildcat April 12, 2011 at 11:55 am

Take that Dick Morris!

DaRooster April 12, 2011 at 11:55 am

"Anyway, THE POINT IS, if something were to happen to Obama that took his life, Dennis Kucinich would win the presidency. "

So Kucinich might be able to win over a dead guy?

Swampgas_Man April 12, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Over Biden, which is roughly the same.

DahBoner April 12, 2011 at 12:01 pm

If the candidate who has the hottest wife wins, then it's Kucinich by at least 12 inches…

horsedreamer_1 April 12, 2011 at 12:38 pm

I'm going to assume this is a reference to DK's endowment, making him the Jason "Wee-Man" Acuna of the Politics set. But I really don't want to know how you know the size of Denny's thang.

EatsBabyDingos April 12, 2011 at 12:04 pm

Two wings for the fly to fly; rip them off, and you have a "walk," which isn't the same as running.

And besides, Reagan will run from the grave- Reagan-Ouija 2012. Dick Cheney can be the Ouija medium, since he's already got one foot in Hell. There will be bacon.

GeneralLerong April 12, 2011 at 12:14 pm

I'd like to personally thank the clownfister for increasing my P score due to all the gratuitous upfist festivals he sponsors.

Off to upfist absolutely everybody…

baconzgood April 12, 2011 at 12:18 pm

He ripped it off of Gorkey Park.

qwerty42 April 12, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Lest we forget: from the fabled Wonkette archives.

littlebigdaddy April 12, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Not only hawt chick on chick action but interracial…I like the cut of yr jib MC!

horsedreamer_1 April 12, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Havn't seen such a thing since that Jada Fire-Belladonna scene.

littlebigdaddy April 12, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Ya think either of them squirts? Just curious.

horsedreamer_1 April 12, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Next, on a very special episode of The Rachel Maddow Show: the host & special guest Ana Marie Cox engage in stimulating repartee with Michelle Obama & Elizabeth Kucinich. That's how we'll find out.

littlebigdaddy April 12, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Yeah, trust Rachel and Ana Marie to get to the bottom of that!

Andrew Drinker April 12, 2011 at 2:02 pm

*fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap*

littlebigdaddy April 12, 2011 at 12:38 pm

We have Simon Roger's opinion. Now what about Lou Sarah's? BTW don't you think it's cute that Sarah has the classier spelling for her name, with the "h"?

DeeJayKitteh April 12, 2011 at 12:38 pm

I'm glad he was brave enough to go out on a limb and posit the controversial theory that people vote for candidates with whom they are familiar. Me? I like to go into the voting booth and select the person who I've never heard of in my entire life, but I like to live on the edge.

Callyson April 12, 2011 at 12:42 pm

While I hardly think this guy is worth six figures, the article is actually an improvement over some media coverage. In fact, his Politico article reminded me of two useful facts:
1. Google “Trump” and “bankruptcy,” you get 3.47 million hits.
2. In a Democratic candidate debate in October 2007, he was forced to admit he had once seen a UFO at Shirley MacLaine’s house in the 1980s. This was not considered helpful to his presidential aspirations.

littlebigdaddy April 12, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Dude, you'd been smoking some of Shirley's weed, you too would've seen a UFO. Yeah, Dennis has a little of the Jerry Brown, Bob Kerry hanging out with celeb chicks thing going, so that's a plus, imo.

horsedreamer_1 April 12, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Debra Winger is still ridiculously good looking. Why'd Bob drop her?

(Last I saw of her was in Rachel Getting Married, which was only three years ago.)

Terry April 12, 2011 at 12:45 pm

"But should he do well among liberal Democrats in places like Iowa, for example, he could send a message to the White House. "

So, beyond areas immediately adjacent to college campuses, does Iowa have a lot of truly liberal Democrats?

Negropolis April 13, 2011 at 12:43 am

Since it only has one settlement that could even be considered as a semi-major/regional city, I'm guessing not really. Maybe a few in the Mississippi River cities, but that's about it. Density, particularly the kind from industrialization, tends to breed liberals.

BaldarTFlagass April 12, 2011 at 12:58 pm

It would even be better if, after taking office, Dennis woke up black, like Godfrey Cambridge in that movie Watermelon Man.

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 12, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Or is he secretly a bird and is supposed to fly?

Have you not seen his Trump approved BirdCertificate? http://wonkette.com/410299/happy-birthday-fake-pr

LiveToServeYa April 12, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Some showdown. An unpitted olive can defeat Denis Kucinich.

Beetagger April 12, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Dennis Kucinich's wife is the wind beneath my wings. (Or dick.)

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum April 12, 2011 at 1:59 pm

I picture Obama's one-on-one with Kucinich as O holding a basketball several feet over K's head while K jumps at it furiously.

Andrew Drinker April 12, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Dennis might not be a "celebrity", but he IS a goddam PIMP!

Huzzah!

WinterOuthouse April 12, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Charlie Sheen/Martin Sheen 2012. One not as fucked up as the other. Decision 2012, You Decide.

WinterOuthouse April 12, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Blow it out your ass Simon

gurukalehuru April 12, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Roger, Simon.
What's your vector, Victor?

MinAgain April 12, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Right now, I'd vote for Dennis in a heartbeat.

Rotundo_ April 12, 2011 at 5:55 pm

Yup. (okay, just an upfist, but a heartfelt one)

Rotundo_ April 12, 2011 at 6:21 pm

I think Nostradumbass here is fantasizing about a run at Barry from the left since it would make what will be a well and truly dismal election cycle at least interesting. The flock of halfwits congealing on the republican roster are all "c" list politicians and unelectable nutcases, and Barry is, well, Barry. I'm sure that his little masturbation break gave him a little lift momentarily but he no doubt sank back down to the bitter and pathetic reality of being a Politico columnist. Being the brightest kernel of corn in the turd doesn't mean you aren't part of a turd.

BZ1 April 12, 2011 at 7:33 pm

Roger Simon is POLITICO’s chief political columnist, sure, and pigs can fly… You mean he really, really is…

ttommyunger April 12, 2011 at 10:48 pm

Mr. Simon, have you EVER stepped outside the fucking Beltway?

poncho_pilot April 13, 2011 at 12:18 am

Tree Stump/Crock Pot 2012.

poncho_pilot April 13, 2011 at 12:26 am

this picture might not help Kucinich's chances:
http://weaselzippers.us/wp-content/uploads/2011/0

poncho_pilot April 13, 2011 at 12:36 am

"Barry and the Kooch" sounds like a tv show from the '70s:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/3/

yes. i know this gentleman looks nothing like Barry.

poncho_pilot April 13, 2011 at 12:56 am

you know else didn't have a left one?

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