- Barack Obama and his new boyfriend barf-face John Boehner finally sat down and “hammered things out,” budget-wise, and sexually, too. What sort of horrendous pork barrel spending did they trim from the budget, in a jolly, bipartisan fashion? The proposed $38 billion in cuts includes a $1.6 billion reduction for the Environmental Protection Agency (sixteen percent of its budget), and Pell grants have been cut entirely for poor people who have the audacity to attend summer school. (Who needs the EPA or “an education” anyway, especially now that the entire world is radioactive?) Liberal things like NPR and the AmeriCorps public service program will still receive funding, so that’s some sort of Big Victory for communism, we guess? Most importantly though is that the legislation “includes a Republican ‘rider’ barring Washington, D.C., from spending local tax money to provide abortions to poor women.” Thank God! It’s about time someone addressed the #1 reason why we have a deficit, “welfare queens in D.C. gettin’ free abortions for fun.” D.C. Mayor Vincent Gray was actually arrested for protesting this “Republican rider” outside of the Senate office buildings. Uh … The budget has lots of money for guns and ammo, though! [Bloomberg]
- The United States will “consider” reviewing its murderous Drone deployment in Pakistan. [Fox News]
- Dmitry Medvedev announced that space exploration remains a top priority for Russia. Space is the Place! [BBC]
{ 174 comments }
"Dmitry Medvedev announced that space exploration remains a top priority for Russia. Space is the Place! "
I imagine that space is only slightly colder than parts of Russia and Siberia in the winter.
Must krush Kapitalistic Vacuum!
Space is probably less radioactive.
Hell, at the rate we're going the friggin' SUN will be less radioactive.
(Congrats on your new P-ness)
Ain't nothin compared to the chill of standing near Vladimir Putin.
(Just saying that name is scary. Mousa Kousa ain't got nothin on Vlad.)
"Dmitry Medvedev announced that space exploration remains a top priority for Russia. Space is the Place"
If I was Russian, getting the f… out would be my top priority too.
This is unrelated to this post but I wanted to share this in this public forum
OFFICE WAR UPDATE:
OHHHH glorious of glory days. I have locked horns with Department Director Dale and bested him. It took 2 weeks more than my previous department director. Yesterday I was informed in his non-specific tone, that if I continue with my stellar productivity and "stop hassling" him, I will be exempted from his new Draconian policies and that my slacking privileges will be reinstated. These privileges include, but are not limited to, facebook, funnyordie, and youtube. I was also informed that if I supply my own step latter, and come in on a Sunday, I may dismantle that damn loudspeaker outside my office that blares Yanni louder than an Unsane concert….
…Furthermore my parking allowance will be returned, which is especially delicious being that I commute to work via pedal power. How did this liberal receive these concessions in such Scaife-esque type office? Through negotiations? Through pleading? Through bothersome nit-picking? No! My demands were met though a prolonged strategy of snark and petty vandalism! HOORAY FOR BACONZ! HORAY FOR SNARK! I feel that this isn't just a personal victory (though I do personally benefit the most from it) but a symbolic victory for all of us Gen-X slackers around the country!
(this comment is 100% snark free)
Congratulations, please keep me updated as to the sight of the next squirmish, When do the reenactments start?
This week. The tech guys have to be smoothed over because I don't treat them so good. Maybe a pizza and some beer for them tomorrow at lunch…On Bacon.
& put bacon on the pizza. Seriously.
Thanks for this. You've made my heart smile.
I'm no hero….I just don't like working. But now I don't know what to do. It took the better part of 9 weeks to put the saddle on Dale now I have nothing to do at work. My clients pretty much maintain themselves at this point.
"supply my own step latter"
Apropos of your apropos, one of the things I appreciate reading in your posts, baconzgood is the inadvertent spelling goofs/ substitutes of other words… which as a proofreader normally gets my goat — but yours are so funny that I enjoy them in spite of myself. So: glad to hear your situation is working out and won't be prohibitive of your participation here. And yes this is a 100% snark-free reply.
It's pretty fucked up when even spell check can't find a correction for even the most basic words. For all my smartness I just never could get a handle on spelling and grammer. It's always been some sort of a brain flaw.
Tell me about it, I can do accounting in my sleep but spelling and commas, no such luck.
But see that's one step removed from how a good pun is made. Suspending your usual associations with how a word or phrase is laid out, so to render a same-sounding thing phonetically in its place. Or something like that.
Maybe this is why my brain hurts sometimes after browsing through and coughing up comments at wonkette..
Congratulations! A great start to the work day.
I'm happy for you, and for the fact that you caused me to remember this album cover, and that time in '93 when I was living in a transient hotel in NYC and saw them at some dive on Houston St. Good times.
I'm following you based on the fact you know who they are. You MUST rock!
Likewise. Next, you're gonna tell me you're a huge Heatmiser fan, too. : )
You're really scraping the bottom of the barrel.
OK, but how many pieces of flair are you required to wear? Of course, participation is voluntary, but you should probably have at least 5. Also, you do know about the color-coded TPS cover sheets….
Now, it's up to you whether or not you want to just do the bare minimum.
I told those fudge-packers I liked Michael Bolton's music.
that damn loudspeaker outside my office that blares Yanni louder than an Unsane concert
baconz, have you looked at filling this horror of horrors case of torture with the ICJ in Den Haag?
Yanni and John Tesh NEED to be prosecuted for war crimes.
So they're not just blasting elevator music, but elevator music that's twenty years out of date. That was outlawed by the Geneva conventions.
Congratulations, baconzgood! However, there are a few additional items. Please submit a list of all Web sites you propose to visit for approval by DD Dale. Give the URL, subject matter of the Web site, and benefit to the company of your visits to each site.. Before removing the speaker outside your office (and this work must be performed at your expense by a licensed electrician) and provide a certificate of insurance naming the company as an additional insured for workmans compensation. Minimum policy limits are $500,000 per incident and $2,000,000 total.
I'm just going to remove the speaker plate and indiscriminately bash things with a ball peen hammer until Yanni's new age space muzak stops.
Just disconnect the wires inside and say "it's broken!" Repairs will not be for a LOOOONG time, if ever.
i wish i worked with you.
well, i wish i worked anywhere, but i really wish i worked with you.
Would SatriYanni be any better?
Space is the Place!
As an alternative to this catastratosphere, it's sounding better and better every day.
EDIT: yes, a portmanteau; no, not meant to incorporate 'castrate' but something else… *sigh*…
The United States will “consider” reviewing its murderous Drone deployment in Pakistan
Stopping the video-game bombing? So where will the Meeed-ias get all of its blurry night-vision war porn???
They're going to patrol the N. Dakota-Canada border, blasting all those wonketteers trying to flee!
While we don't just shoot poor women with all the new guns and ammo? They could have a season in which they are hunted by helicopter.
And the say that we on Wonkette never talk about solutions!
I smell a reality show!
That's called dating in parts of West Texas.
As long as the fetus isn't harmed, I don't see how anyone can possibly have a problem with this.
Taking my new triple digit p out for a spin around the block. Thinking about getting some rims for it, are spinners still cool?
Trip[le] the p fantastic!!
In the lower states spinners are indeed still cool. Spin on
Congratulations! You wear it well!
Spinners are out go with fuzzy dice.
Only the spinners that appear to be going backwards are cool, as they make the other drivers barf and give you a competitive advantage on the freeway.
$2000 rims on a $800 car are always in style…
I am still chuckling over the fat old guy in minivan, I saw driving down I-95 near Cocoa Beach with one spinner rim on the back passenger side.
Excellent, congrats.
Congratulations, and welcome to the Meaningless Milestone Achievement Club!
Are trucknutz still in fashion?
It's my pleasure to welcome you to the Kool Kidz' Table
Pretty impressive what the Repubs have pulled off here in 4 months of holding a majority in just the House.
Sometimes I wonder to myself what the Dems could have accomplished if they held the White House, the House and a supermajority in the Senate for a couple years. Hypothetically speaking, of course
Haha, like THAT would ever happen.
I guess we'll never know.
The difference is that the Dems are too worried about bipartisanship, being nice, everyone getting along. The GOP couldn't care less about anyone other than their campaign contributors and Koch overlords. Screw bipartisanship. Screw the voters. Screw them all.
Also, the Democrats have a much broader coalition within themselves than the Republicans of today do. Basically, they have a whole wing of Blue Dogs who would BE Republicans, if the Republicans hadn't turned batshit insane some time ago.
To be fair, they didn't have all those things for very long. Once Scott Brown got in, and the Senate became even more The Greatest Deliberative Body (For Legislation to Go and Die) than usual, it was all over. Nancy got tons of stuff through the House, and I'm sure Obama would have signed most/all of it, but the circuit between them was shorted out.
Yeah, the Senate sucks big time, particularly the filibuster rules. Imagine if the Dems actually forced the Repubs to filibuster a bill, though, rather than just cave in at the slightest threat.
And of course the Repubs manage to sidestep filibuster by using Reconciliation to pass all the tax cuts they want with a simple majority. I wonder if the Dems will ever realize how badly they're being played.
Nice of them to remind Washington residents once again that their city elections are nothing but a farce as the federal government controls everything that city government does everywhere else.
All of Amerika's murderous drones are busy providing balanced coverage on Cable Nooze shows. Otherwise, a huge army of Pat Buchanans and Mark Penns would crete a huge drag on the Recovery™ and keep us from Whining the Future.
Mark Penn creates a huge drag on space-time.
Good news everybody!
Just kidding.
I knew it was too good to be true.
thank god they didn't cut funding for the Americorps'-issued red jackets. How else am I going to know which 19 year olds to creep on during my train rides?
And here''s the kicker, those 19 year olds are all high on herbal "spice" because it doesn't show up on their mandatory drug tests..
I guess it's time for poor people to pay for a cleaner environment? WTF?
The poor have already been filtering the filthy air through their lungs in their working class neighborhoods for years – that's why we build refineries near their homes and schools. I don't think it's too much to ask them to simply start paying cash for this now. They should be used to it.
At least we'll still have NPR, and can learn fun facts about Paul Ryan there. He really likes Led Zeppelin. He really, really likes Ayn Rand. And he really, really, really likes having his lips on a government teat since he was 28 years old.
I wonder if Led Zeppelin will react to this news the way Heart reacted to the Cain/Pain campaign playing "Barracuda" whenever Paln stepped onto a stage.
Also, does Ryan know that LZ once recorded a tune titled "Immigrant's Song"?
Pity they were Copyright Douches over Joel Veitch's insanely good video for it.
Went to Miami of Ohio for undergrad. You know who else went to Miami of Ohio?
A lot of people who in 1970 were glad they didn't go to Kent State?
Ohio. Again, it's Ohio.
I'm begining to think Ohio is the Florida of the north. Ohio may actually be WORSE than Florida as Florida is surprisingly up front about their various malfunctions.
True. & The U boasted future WWE superstar Dwayne Johnson & boosters the 2 Live Crew. Ohio State had son of wrestler James Laurinaitas (sp?) &, uh… are the Black Keyes fans of Buckeye football? Either way, Florida got better, there.
A bunch of people who shop at J. Crew.
(It was my third choice school. Beautiful campus!)
Zeppelin? I thought all of your Randtards were Rush fans.
Ever get the feeling you've been cheated? ™ We all went out two and half short years ago and joyously elected a Progressive Democrat. Now, we're all standing around with our fingers up our butts wondering how in the hell the narrative went from hope for, and recovery from, a failed eight year nightmare of a Republican presidency to dismantling "entitlements". Really?
Oh, but we have to elect him again so he can really accomplish his agenda once he doesn't have to worry about reelection. Really.
But Mousie, thou are no thy-lane,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best laid schemes o' Mice an' Men,
Gang aft agley,
An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain,
For promis'd joy!
for your poetry-month perusing pleasure~
Girls, our Saturday night Washington DC Tupperware/Abortion parties are canceled until further notice.
Now you tell me! Crap, does anyone have a morning-after pill?
Well, now what the fuck am I supposed to do with my weekends?
So I have to go back to mason jars now?
Ah shit, and to think I just went out and bought myself a shiny new wire hanger just for the party.
Riley you keep after that Eric Holder character.
I smell Pulitzer!
~
This is why US America can't have nice things. You guys let the welfare leaches er mostly red states dictate to the blue states who provide most of the taxes to the Feds.
Also explains why Boner and the gang hate welfare moms so much… their plight strikes just a touch too close to home as we all know that GOPers are what they hate.
No, it's so they can keep on getting $20 BJ's from welfare moms at the end of the month, when the money runs low.
"let's go to the colonies"
-Disembodied Voice from a Dirigible-
Nice Bladerunner reference!
With all this iodine in the air at least the number of goiters should go down and babies will have a special glow.
I confess I dug out the kelp pills yesterday (a dainty 150µg) and took one and left it sitting out to take one every day.
Everytime the Repugs get their hands on power they go bat shit crazy. How many times do we have to go through this cycle before we just decide to drive a stake thru the place where their hearts were alledged to be?
Because Democrats are pussies, that's why. I don't want to see the president's birth certificate, I want to see his man card.
you deserve 100 upfists for this
Be careful what you wish for. The Reps are the only reason the Dems don't turn on each other.
The US really needs a dozen parties, like Israel has!
Agreed. We need a Parliamentary-Funkadelic form of democracy.
[nosnark]
Regarding the real consequences of the budget, this is worth a read:
"It's considered out of bounds to say things like 'your proposal leads to hungry kids.'"
[/nosnark]
The Japanese are doing all of us a huge favor. With an accident the size of Chernobyl, we can all save tons of energy by getting rid of our stoves and ovens and take our food outside for a couple of minutes to cook . YAY. Jeebus has blessed the USA!
What colour does John Boehner turn when he is barf-face ill?
Puce.
A greenish shade of orange, that's what I'm guessing.
Should we ever see him not barf-faced ill, we'll have something to compare and contrast.
Oh, and by "barf faced ill" don't we really mean "hung over"?
He always looks about an hour away from a hangover puke–either just finished or still looking forward to it.
As an environmental sciences major, who hopes to work for the EPA and would like to take a course this summer, I am now going back to bed.
Woot! Now you don't have to study for your finals. Congrats, summer is starting early for you, bud.
I really need to stay off this site till later in the day, Riley's daily Report From The Vale of Woe and Despond really gets me down sometimes. On the bright side, after contemplating this stuff, my day can only get better! Avanti!
Evidently the alt-text budget was cut as well,
Perhaps this just speaks to low expectations, but I was reading about the budget deal thing, and thought… it wasn't nearly as bad as I'd feared. So, yay?
Reminds me of the scene in Lonesome Dove when Lorena, the whore, is kidnapped by Blue Duck and taken to the outlaw camp. She's dragged off the horse and raped and thinks to herself "This isn't so bad, I can do this."
Of course a few days later she is catatonic.
We don't have no Augustus' coming to our rescue.
If we decided to call the D.C. government a war, there'd be plenty of money. There's always money for war.
Given that I was denied a Pell Grant every time I applied for one, no matter how low my income was, I long ago concluded that the program doesn't actually exist, so perhaps this was actually a clever headfake by Obama.
Pell Grants don't cover majors in buttsecks, dude.
Apparently alt-texts are in the budget cuts as well. We are doomed.
Eric Holder has shipped Riley's alt-texts to Gitmo, obvs.
OT
Huzzah. The Timez says the recession is over
for CEOs that is
This makes me want to kill something after I've stretched it on a rack and then quartered it using horses. Only after I've pilfered it's wallet and dispensed with it's lackey.
So why is the AP reporting this?
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/U/US_SPENDIN...
In space Russians explore YOU!
Yakov WIN!!!
Newt Gingrich is on the next plane over…
Подготовить анальное зонда
At least WaPo is trying to put a positive spin on things (for some reason): The success of the Kaplan education division has brought unwelcome scrutiny to a family-run company that has long prided itself in serving the public interest.
Aww… Stop, unwelcome scrutiny! You're NOT welcome there!
This is all DC's fault. If it had simply had the foresight to have incorporated itself over a pool of dead dinosaurs and jungle matter, it would have no problems.
For that matter, let's just round up all the poorz, crush them in a big hydraulic press, and run our SUVs on what dribbles out. American energy production, f**k yeah!
Instead, DC is now ruled over by dead dinosaurs bent on turning it into jungle matter.
So, my teenage son discovered last night, via a not so friendly facebook friend, that people can be total assholes. I took this as a teachable moment and pointed out the similarities (i.e. exactly alike) between total assholes and every republican elected official.
I still have a tiny bit of Hope clinging to me.
Don't worry, that should be completely stripped off by this time next year.
Sorry Lizzie; I hit the wrong fist on you. And I was going to say that strangely sounds like a sexual fantasy.
Gosh, do people have sexual fantasies that don't include Nazis, radios, spies, stockings, 1940s underwear and Jewish partisans who look like Sami Frey? Weird.
*fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap*
You go girl, guard it very carefully, keep it away from Riley, only bring it out when the sun is shining.
Of course you can always flee to another country if it gets too bad here. Must be nice to have a hole card like that.
(My Limey wife is in England this very moment trying to get me to ditch this colony. She tells me there is a reason they kicked out the purtians and dumbfuckistans.)
Yes, but they are slashing stuff like crazy over there as well. MrLimeylizzie and I are torn about Canada, too cold for him, Sweden-where I have relatives but also too cold for him and buying some land in Northern California about 20 miles from any major road and town-too lonely for me and I woud have to start a community theatre group .
But UK TV is better. (Especially the adverts.)
No kidding, it is better for so many reasons, but MrLimeyLizzie has a brand new granddaughter in Los Angeles and a career in Hollywood of some 35 years, so those are hard things to fight!
You'd think that, with the coalition government, the Lib-Dems should be able to reign in the Tories, but no; like our GOP in both the House and state governments, they're using the recession as an excuse to fuck the poor and middle class, and the Liberals like our Democrats are letting them get away with it.
Sorosbot, it was so fantastc in the UK in the late 70s , pre-Thatcher, the Unions were strong, National Health was wonderful and then she just wrecked everything, so by the time I left university it was a different world
When did giving a shit about the people go out of style? Did I miss a memo?
1980; you must have missed the election results.
As republicans sit at their computer (NASA spinoff tech) to complain about all that horrible spending on space, remember how much business today is the result of NASA tech development. Thinking of Velcro here.
Sun Ra?
Soyuz means "I am 'uz'" in Spanish.
In Old Testament Spanish it means "Job ate a lot of soy.".
Compromise in 2011 = screw the poor.
Particularly Jesus Lizard, All Things Albini (Rapeman, anyone?), and JSBE.
Fun true story: Duane Denison of Jesus Lizard was at my wedding (because he was dating a friend of mine, not because I was a scenester). He gave us bath towels.
I got piss drunk with David Yow. He'll hang out with anyone if they're buying shots. And Todd Trainer from Shellac groped my girlfriend after the show they played here last Feb.
Oh yeah? Well, Darcy from Smashing Pumpkins groped MY wife. Take that.
mmmmm…pumpkins.
I wonder what happened to summer work-study funds, if those are tied to Pell at all. Not that that has anything to do with my employment situation in the next couple of months, no siree.
Obama needs to take off his lace panties and stop being a noodleback!
Hey fisty: every time you downfist one of us, two people upfist in your place.
Story of your life, innit?
Edit: Mwhahahaha, butthurt much?
Maybe downfister troll is just confused. With the Republican congressional decision to dictate what DC can and can't legislate regarding private citizens and their relationships with their health care providers, he must have thought it was opposite day and a downfist would show he liked the comment.
I mean, if you read the above article, it's easy to understand his mistake.
Can't let those poor women get abortions … think of all the prison guard jobs we would lose!
"“includes a Republican ‘rider’ barring Washington, D.C., from spending local tax money to provide abortions to poor women.”"
Because Congress telling local government what they can and can't legislate – especially when it comes to citizens' private lives and bedrooms, or what a doctor can and can't discuss/do with his patients, is EXACTLY what the Republican party stands for.
States' rights! Smaller government! Get your gubmint hands off my healthcare! Wait, what?
I keep asking my Congressman, "When are you going to cut corporate farm subsidies and ethanol subsidies, instead of programs for poor people?" So far, no answer. And he's a damn Democrat.
So it will have taken 66 years–but time well spent, I think we can all agree.
Well there goes MY summer of abortions and post-modern literature.
Thankfully, the Republicans were there to respect the rights of local communities. We all know how bad big government is!
I always thought that repeated up-and-down fisting was its own reward…
Only if you're willing to reach around for that "reply" button.
If the republican cocksuckers want smaller government, and democrats cave and give them whatever they demand, why don't we just abolish the government all at once instead of a bit at a time? No cuts to EPA, abolish it. Abolish all federal agencies and congress too. Then the only thing the republicans will STILL want is the death penalty for abortions, because we respect life ya know. Cocksuckers
oh, my. someone mentioned Bread Winner.
You're my friend now too.
I'm confused. First they say the "welfare queens" keep spitting babies out to get more welfare and now they say they get too many abortions on the taxpayers dime? Someone needs to define their talking points.
There's no definitions, only emotions
I think the deal needs more hammering, especially to delicate parts…
Maybe I'm just slow, but it's still amazing to me that Obama is the most awesome Republican elected as president since Reagan (I thought about Nixon, but Nixon actually did things for women, minorities and the poor).
Time for vodka!
Lest anyone think any of this recent political skulduggery is something new; check out Howard Zinn's "A People's History of America". It's the same now, but with less clubbing, shooting and dying. America's Darling, Teddy Roosevelt, was a major corporate shill.
Have you heard the latest word from Neptune?
Wait, "no more"? When did the poverty-stricken get anything significant in terms of simple dignity from their government to begin with?
Loves me the google for spell checking
And yet, as I remember in the 80s, our media treated Thacher as if all the British people loved her, and were shocked when she had to leave office.
You're such a homo…phone.
WHY SHOULD I CHANGE MY NAME HE'S THE ONE WHO SUCKS
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