minty fresh ideas

Mitt Romney Takes Slogan From Loser John Kerry, Logo From Toothpaste

Crest-fallen doucheMitt Romney found himself an empty news cycle this afternoon, so he finally announced his candidacy for president in a video carefully crafted to be more boring than President Obama’s first campaign video. In a way, Romney was taking an idea from his last campaign, which featured an inexplicable ad of him running. Now Mitt is standing above a running track, rather than on a course. See, things are different this time! Romney’s slogan, “Believe in America” was actually last used in August 2004 by loser John Kerry, when he was on a two-week, 21-state tour flailing like a bland loser while the Swiftboaters swiftboated him. Romney has also taken his logo from Aquafresh, of all things, which isn’t even one of the top two toothpastes in America. When Mittens steals something boring, he steals it from fellow losers.

Emails the Democrat who caught the echo, “I mean – Kerry’s slogan? Was Dukakis’s not available?”

No, it was, but you can only have one slogan at a time, silly.

Meanwhile, that swirl in the Romney logo looks so much like toothpaste the thing actually appears to read “OMNEY.” Look at it again. You won’t be able to stop seeing “OMNEY.” What does a search for “OMNEY” turn up? Not a lot. Pretty much just whatever the hell this is:

Good thing Romney has name ID and not too many people will be Googling that, we guess?

Oh, and somebody on our tips line suggested it’s a good time to repost this:

Yes. It is. [Ben Smith/VF Daily]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • WinterOuthouse

    What a leader!

    • 738838

      (tool)

  • pukebot

    romney – serial killer handsome.

    bind torture zzzzzzzzzzz

    • NorthStarSpanx

      American Psycho

    • Swampgas_Man

      Omney-potent. RrrrOmney-Fresh!

  • WinterOuthouse

    I don't like the Romney brand of toothpaste. It is gritty and tastes like unwashed dick.

    • hooray4anything

      It's like that gum in Willy Wonka, whatever flavor you want it to be, it'll be.

    • PsycWench

      What exactly does unwashed dick taste like?

      • http://drinkiesinthe253.blogspot.com/ drrty_martini

        You don't want to know.

  • Numbat_Dundee

    Vote Republican! Make things whiter!

    • DownFist Troll

      Hey, wasn't that Strom Thurmond's campaign slogan?

  • Schmannnity

    Romney: Catch the mildly febrile feeling!

  • zhubajie

    Make Mormonism the State Church of America! The other fundies'd shit themselves to death!

    • neiltheblaze

      Why, that's diabolical. I like it.

      • zhubajie

        Then perhaps you could persuade the Mormons to circumcize theirhearts. Few would survive amateur heart surgery.

  • finallyhappy

    What the hell? I never watch any clips and I started to watch this one. i demand Wonkette give me back the 2 minutes(NO, I didn't watch the whole thing) I wasted.

  • Come here a minute

    4 out of 5 dentists recommend OMNEY. It has the ADA Seal of Acceptance!

    • http://wonkette.com Ken Layne

      Safe when used exactly as directed. Do not exceed dosage guidelines.

    • memzilla

      I guess the fifth dentist is either black or Hispanic.

    • 738838

      OMNEY has been shown to be an effective decay preventative dentifrice when used in a conscientiously applied program of oral hygiene and regular professional care.

      • Swampgas_Man

        You'll wonder where the yellows (and blacks, and browns) went
        When you vote for Mitt for President!

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Omney "Purple fantasy, rollin' in my purple Caddy"

    Now that's a real slogan.

  • Crank_Tango

    Also, that "R" looks a little limp, if you know what I mean.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Purple Omney in the Purple City is Purple.

    What rhymes with that, anyhoo?

    • memzilla

      The closest I could come to rhyming "purple" is "Berffle." And I did have to look that up in your Funk & Wagnalls.

      • Swampgas_Man

        See the birds
        Red, blue and purple
        If the sight don't drive ya mad
        The chirp'll.

        Also,
        What color is a belch? Burple.

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      Maple Surple, according to Roger Miller

  • PsycWench

    Didn't Sarah Palin use the running thing in 2008?

    OT: on CNN.com Trump says he's the Obama campaign's worst nightmare. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH…..ow, now I'm sore.

    • DashboardTrumpet

      Easy there, TrumpWench

    • realmurkin

      Lou Sarah's running made sense, though, because America loves bouncing titties, because of teh freedumb boners.

  • BerkeleyBear

    This, TPaw and Trump's media tour are the best things that could happen to Obama.

    The GOP – constantly reminding us what douchebags they are.

    • hooray4anything

      I've been saying that for months (years? decades?) but I'm getting increasingly unsure that the American will ever be aware of just how big a bunch of douchebags Republicans are.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Watching the Republicans from here at Wonkette makes me feel like a member of the crowd of Tunisian extras when Michael Palin and Graham Chapman were doing the whole "Wewease Wodewick" and "Thamthon the Thadduthee Thtrangler" bit up on the dais.

  • mereoblivion

    Mother had the feeling he might be TOO appealing, so mother never told him about Ultra-Brite: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SaGR0SGuRkk
    (If only she were still around to run for Prez–or anything else.)

  • PsycWench

    I made it a whole minute into the video…is this a Poe? Surely it was not serious?

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      I watched the whole thing thinking it some really brilliant snark, but now I'm not so sure.
      Either way, Mitt should hunt those fuckers down and shoot them, they ain't helping him.

    • http://timothysees.blogspot.com/ natl_indecency_cmdr

      I watched the whole thing. It brought a tear to my eye. Then I dry-heaved.

  • fartknocker

    My ears were bleeding after 0:49. Damn you Jack Stuef.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Wait. Wasn't "Omney" a computer from the 80s? Or a bad soft-porn SF magazine put out by Guccione?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Also, a crappy econobox sold by Chrysler back in the 1980s.

  • memzilla

    Mitt's video is certainly something that Jeebus-tear-weeping bald eagles could fap to.

  • smokefilledroommate

    Just like all aliens Mormons, the message is subliminal: OMNEY = MONEY. GIVE TO THE 'PASTY' FACE. MARRY AND REPRODUCE.

  • slithytoves

    I had slow day, too, evidenced by the fact I was posting to Wonkette. I didn't get fired, didn't file a grievance, and didn't get reported for drinking on the job. I formally announce my candidacy for President of Earth. Vote for me.

    • HistoriCat

      "A vote for slithytoves is a vote for slithytoves!"

    • http://timothysees.blogspot.com/ natl_indecency_cmdr

      you have my vote! and all the absentee ballots from every state I've ever lived!

    • tessiee

      Don't blame me! I voted for slithytoves!

      • slithytoves

        Thanks! Yer check is in the mail. (Please don't cash before 2021.)

  • Schmannnity

    "Gimme Mitt" is a real treat. Syrup of Ipecac will be obsolete.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Mitt Romney: Like Pawlenty, except without all that charisma.

    • tessiee

      Reminds me of an old joke, the punchline of which is, "Second prize is TWO weeks in Detroit".

  • Katydid

    Now I want Boner to run; I'm imagining his campaign song.

    "Give me Boner, more Boner, it'll carry us throu-u-u-u-gh…"

    • memzilla

      The Rethuglicans have cut the funding for people who have a running Boehner.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        I thought Cialis and Viagra had all these warnings about having a Boner for a couple of days, much less years?

        • memzilla

          Yeah, as soon as I have an erection lasting more than 4 hours, f**k calling a doctor — I'm booking a room in the Hilton and calling every ex-girlfriend in the book.

    • hooray4anything

      If Mitt wins the candidacy, he can make Boehner his VP Candidate and we'll have Mitt Boehner.

    • Limeylizzie

      Welcome back, Missy.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Seconded!

  • Radio_______

    Jack, you got the soundtracks reversed. Watching the second vid with Omney's audio over it just hip-hop rocks!

  • OC_LEVEL 7!!!_Serf

    an empty news cycle this afternoon

    Fuck..we just went to 7 in Japan, folks

    Uh, that's Chernobyl Game Level 7

    Fuck.

    • MarshallBanana

      Oh, it's okay. Now that we in America have confirmed that we're all good, to hell with those furriners. What's Charlie Sheen up ta?

    • emmelemm

      RED ALERT, people! Look sharp.

      (Um, seriously, that's bad. But whatta the fuck-a we supposed to do about it?)

      • AJW@[redacted]

        I'm not sure, but I'll assume we're supposed to boycott TEPCO or something.

      • http://timothysees.blogspot.com/ natl_indecency_cmdr

        drink? more?

        • emmelemm

          Just not milk or water… that leaves vodka. Oh, perfect!

          • http://timothysees.blogspot.com/ natl_indecency_cmdr

            I like how your only options are milk, water, or vodka. Just the essentials.

          • emmelemm

            Well, the milk and water will be contaminated, but vodka, sweet vodka should still be just fine. If you prefer gin or tequila, I'm sure those will work.

    • undeterredbyreality

      Mitt will fix it. Anybody that can rhyme "ours" with "cause" can do anything.

  • EdFlintstone

    That's RRRomney, now with more R's than Ronald Reagan.

  • DownFist Troll

    Man, this guy is like the boring version of Al Gore.

  • widget2011

    Looking at that aqua-fresh "R" too long may make you vomit.

  • http://www.fifthinternational.org/content/education-programme 4TheTurnstiles

    I don't think he's gellin'.

  • denverite

    How easy will Trump trounce this goofball…

  • chascates

    Poor Mittens! 2012 is the Year of the Crazies. He should be screaming about the 80 bazillion in deficits that will cause our great-grandchildren to self-abort.

    • Geminisunmars

      Geeesh. Give him a chance to warm up. He is only just now doing the exploring thing. Shouldn't be too long before he is blathering.

  • Blendergoathead

    Romney's so damn boring it's almost impossible to really make fun of him. There just isn't anything there, except for the magic underwear and the dog thing (both of which have been pretty much played out).

    Wake me up when Bachmann jumps on the "Hopey's brain was operated on by aliens" train (or flashes her coochie on Fox).

    • neiltheblaze

      I think Romney will surprise you at the adeptness with which he inspires mockery.

  • JackDempsey1

    I await for the teabagger response to this rather direct link between Romney and the fluoridation of just about every-goddamn-thing in America.

  • Radio_______

    Here's a video synopsis of Gimme Mitt, FWIW:
    Foundling Fathers, flags, Lincoln, St. Ronny, WTC, eagles, 911, WWII, law and homeland security order, business cred, $1 million Mitt bill?, kissing babies, family, family
    hate libs, businessman, hate lib elites, freedom, and most important, lots of Mitt — he's a looker.
    Romney/Omney '12

  • mavenmaven

    What kind of teabagger video shows Reagan just as they sing the room "error"?

    • poncho_pilot

      one who's a commie sleeper agent and still hasn't come in from the cold, yet.

  • bumfug

    "Believe In America." Isn't he cute? And don't you other kids tell him any different, you hear? I want him to hold on to his childhood as long as he can.

  • AJW@[redacted]

    I borrowed a friend's '79 Dodge Omney once. It was a piece of crap, too.

  • poncho_pilot

    (R)Omney 2012: he's Romnipotent.

    • http://timothysees.blogspot.com/ natl_indecency_cmdr

      he's also Romniverous? grrr!

  • GodShammgod

    He can get away with ripping off a toothpaste logo because most Republican primary voters don't have teeth.

    • AJW@[redacted]

      Is that why they don't call it teethpaste?

  • Oldskool_

    So John Ashcroft finally got a singing gig.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Wow, that "Gimme Mitt" thing was a crime against rhythm, rhyme, scansion and arrangement at least. And how many times do you hear lyrics about running the Olympics and bringing "fiscal success" to Massachusetts? Add to this the random vibrato for inexplicable moments of pathos, the swelling harmonies, the "turned water to wine" (oh sure, why not?) — its sum total just screams "If you were all just as blindly adoring as I am this would be a great country, ruled as we would be by the likes of Jim Jones and Aimee Semple MacPherson."

    • Geminisunmars

      Yeah, I wondered about that "water into wine" thing (at 1:21 for those who wish to experience the blessed lyrics for themselves). Wine – for a Mormon? Or doesn't the Moran who wrote this know about liquor and the Latter Days Aints?

  • Janinthepan

    Did Trey Parker and Matt Stone write/preform this?

    • tessiee

      I upfisted you sheerly for your screen name/avatar.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Omney-present
    Omney-vor
    Omney-potent
    Omney…

    • Radio_______

      Omni hotels?

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      Omney there yet?

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      For the campaign trail:

      omneybus

  • GuanoFaucet

    Romney paste: A sedative and teeth whitener all in one. Magical underpants not included.

    • poncho_pilot

      that doesn't sound so bad, really.

  • alluson

    "OMMMMMMMMMMM"ney? The yoga people want their peace of mind back.

  • poncho_pilot
    • http://timothysees.blogspot.com/ natl_indecency_cmdr

      from the depths of my Johnson, I thank you.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Rom-N-y 4 U and Me!

  • Guppy06

    Glad to hear he's not letting that whole "Stepfather to Obamacare" thing keep him down!

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    For me, Palin using that creates almost the same disconnect as the German golden oldie arbeit macht frei.

  • user-of-owls

    Romney Brand! It's the Lava Soap of Toothpaste!

    • Radio_______

      The Owl is back! All hail the Owl! Hope you're hale.

      But, that Lava comment reminds me of the old joke about the toothbrush salesman with a lisp. Punchline:
      "This tastes like shit,"
      "It is shit…wanna buy a toothbrush?"

  • An_Outhouse

    Do they call him Mitt because he likes to hold balls? Those are the whitest teeth I've cum across.

  • exmartinette

    Amazing. Is there anything Word Art can't do?

  • Radio_______

    last used by loser John Kerry in 2004

    So, (R)omney was a combat vet in Vietnam?

    • Cicada

      Ahhahahaha…no. He was in France in the 60's. If he was a Dem, he'd be crucified for that.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    That video gags maggots. It looks like something that was produced for a junior high course in "Introduction to Hollywood film making." C+ I hope that Mittens uses it this time around to save money.

  • Slim_Pickins

    A swiftboat would overrun Mitt so fast they would not even realize he was there!

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      He's definitely with T-Paw on the Lazy River.

  • MarshallBanana

    His first choice, "Let's Get Romney-Sexual," didn't quite pan out.

  • Callyson

    Omney = Omen
    The Omen
    Directed by Richard Donner. Starring Gregory Peck, Lee Remick, David Warner. An American ambassador learns to his horror that his son is actually the literal Antichrist
    Or…
    Omney: now guranteed to clean santorum!

    • Geminisunmars

      Omentum. I just don't know if it is the Greater or the Lesser.

  • D3C0D3

    Romney believes in America, and god cursed black people with dark skin because they are angels of the devil. Always knew there was something wrong with Lil Wayne.

  • fuflans

    yeah well mitt you didn't really 'carry us thru' did you? didn't even make it to the final round defending 'merica's honor against the kenyan birther… left us to be defended by that old guy who crashed all those airplanes… left us to the tender mercies of the pitbull with crappy lipstick…

    fuck you mitt. you've failed us before.

    you'll do so again.

  • Fare la Volpe

    HI, BILLY MAYS HERE FOR OMNEY CLEAN. ARE YOU TIRED OF BROWNS DIRTYING UP YOUR WHITE HOUSE? JUST SPRAY OMNEY CLEAN AND BOOM! YOUR WHITES ARE CLEAN AND NON-THREATENING JUST LIKE THAT!

    GET YOUR WHITES WHITER THAN WHITE WITH OMNEY CLEAN.

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      so full of win

      CALL NOW AND WE'LL THROW IN A TOP RATE TAX CUT! JUST PAY LOBBYISTS AND TOADIES!

    • emmelemm

      Seconding "full of WIN".

      It was the "non-threatening" that pushed it over the top – so perfect, so perfect.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Shouldn't it be in Teabagger-speak?

    BELIVE in Real America

  • fuflans

    also: 'q' is awesome tonight.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Have you noticed that when you squeeze Aqua Fresh out of the tube and all the colors get mixed together it looks kind of grey?

    Just sayin'…..

  • neiltheblaze

    He will never be President Omney. Though, I think he might have a shot at the Aquafresh spokes-model after he's out of the race.

  • http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com Pop_Socket

    Where's The Beef?

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Fun Mormon facts.
    There is a reason why Mormon people have dumb first names.
    You see there are only a handful of different surnames in Utah.
    Mostly they are Young, Clark, Smith or Johnson.
    If they give their kids normal first names, you'd end up with 13 Jeff Clarks, 11 Larry Smiths and 23 Mary Johnsons is every single class. Giving their kids weird first names makes them unique.
    In Romney's case, he goes by his weird middle name Mitt because there were already 300 Willard Romneys at Brigham Young.
    Just guess which state has the most Romneys? http://names.whitepages.com/last/romney

    more fun Mormon name stuff: http://wesclark.com/ubn/

    • PubOption

      Some of those baby names sound a bit 'urban' to me.

    • tessiee

      "There is a reason why Mormon people have dumb first names.
      You see there are only a handful of different surnames …
      If they give their kids normal first names, you'd end up with 13 Jeff Clarks, 11 Larry Smiths and 23 Mary Johnsons is every single class. Giving their kids weird first names makes them unique. "

      This is something I hadn't actually known before, thanks.
      My question is, how is "Mitt" short for "Willard"?

  • MilwaukeeKent

    Man, that second video, it all starts to make sense. "Give me Mitt…he'll Kerry us through". There was also what sounded like ""He shaking down every company, one by one…" That can't be right.
    Why didn't he just go with "New! Improved!" for a slogan, an obvious extension of "Tested. Proven." I'd call Mitt quite the product, but for fear he'd take it as a compliment, and that's just wrong.

  • [redacted]hse

    "ROMNEY- Mittens you can believe in."

    And hey, Aquafresh: you're #1 to me. Don't ever change.

  • MadBrahms

    Fresh. Clean. Conservative.

    Entitlement programs and gingivitis, you're both on notice.

  • PsycWench

    Not "Belive in America also freedom of speech and smaller government where they have oversight and that's all a part of the maverick thing that is so full of spirit and energy with no holds barred protection from the LameStream Media"?

  • BZ1

    And to fit right in, Mitt's campaign slogan is in ALL CAPS.

  • Passionphd

    "Mormons: three in one protection for your family." Why not maximize a motto that embraces both AquaFresh AND polygamy.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    I don't mean to sound like a bigot, but Mormons are even worse than the Jews…and you know how those Jews are.

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      Mostly reasonable, educated and thoughtful? I don't know. How are those Jews?

  • PuckStopsHere

    Check out that family photo with the three dozen kids and the whatnot. If this guy is not a motherfucker–it's the only think he's not fucked. And did he really turn water into wine like the song sez…cause if he did, fuck it, I'm voting for him.

  • Schmegeg

    At least they can't use the shirtless Ted video on their commercials anymore. Unless the are complete douchebags. But wait . . . .

  • BarackMyWorld

    Mitt Romney Takes Slogan From Loser John Kerry, Logo From Toothpaste

    …and ideas from inside his own ass!

  • ShaveTheWhales

    OMNEY

    Relieve on America.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Mormon Glenn Beck arguing for a return to the Gold Standard was just the beginning. In 2013, America gets a Golden Shower.

      This message paid for by Mitt's the Shit 2012. Undead Merlin Olsen, Treasurer.

  • lochnessmonster

    Not a very good Mormon if he's turning water to wine….

  • BlueStateLibel

    Trump and Romney will lose of course, and probably very badly, but think of all the 'money and jawbs they'll be pumping into the economy! All's we need is Steve Forbes, Bill Gates and Paul Allen, and the damn depression will be over.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    Don't forget the Omney-Grab, which made a fortune for The Jerk.

    Omney-Grab / Peters 2012!

  • thefrontpage

    Who is Omney?

    Omney, or Romney, has no business being president, or holding any political office. He's unqualfied, inexperienced, an idiot, a moron, a poseur, he was a lousy governor, and he's just a nimrod.

  • hagajim

    Mittens Romney – Aquadouche! Seriously, his logo is about as good as that of Aquafresh….will leave your teeth nice and white – but leave a nasty taste in your mouth.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    I've never seen that Romney documentary before, he cleaned up America and turned water to wine? Not bad for a Mormon.

  • crybabyboehner

    A bland rich guy from Massachusetts who says "Believe in America."

    Can Bob Shrum be far behind?

  • Sassomatic

    Maybe he chose the toothpaste logo because he wants to be seen as "refreshing." Let's just be glad he didn't rip off the Massengill logo. Although that would have been more appropriate.

  • DemonicRage

    With the Aquafresh logo and the "Touch of Grey" inky black product in his hair, maybe Romney can have his campaign financed by a consortium of RiteAide/DuaneReade& Walgreen's.

  • tessiee

    Aquafresh is a loser toothpaste? But it keeps my smile bright and minty fresh!
    It does, right?
    Doesn't it?

  • SkinnyNerd

    What is it with political candidates and logos and slogans? I am not buying some stupid product I don't need, I am voting for a president. How about wasting your time on hammering out a decent policy. And what is it with the red, white, and blue? We are not that dense as a country yet, we know we're voting for president of America. It's not like your only other option is pink nail polish, people, there's millions of colors to choose from.

  • ttommyunger

    Oh no you don't, Jack. I spent my day divided between my dentist, the VA Eye Clinic and stuck in traffic transiting the two. You don't seriously expect me to voluntarily watch the Mitster, do you? I'm not as dumb as I look….well, not quite.