minty fresh ideas

Mitt Romney Takes Slogan From Loser John Kerry, Logo From Toothpaste

Crest-fallen doucheMitt Romney found himself an empty news cycle this afternoon, so he finally announced his candidacy for president in a video carefully crafted to be more boring than President Obama’s first campaign video. In a way, Romney was taking an idea from his last campaign, which featured an inexplicable ad of him running. Now Mitt is standing above a running track, rather than on a course. See, things are different this time! Romney’s slogan, “Believe in America” was actually last used in August 2004 by loser John Kerry, when he was on a two-week, 21-state tour flailing like a bland loser while the Swiftboaters swiftboated him. Romney has also taken his logo from Aquafresh, of all things, which isn’t even one of the top two toothpastes in America. When Mittens steals something boring, he steals it from fellow losers.

Emails the Democrat who caught the echo, “I mean – Kerry’s slogan? Was Dukakis’s not available?”

No, it was, but you can only have one slogan at a time, silly.

Meanwhile, that swirl in the Romney logo looks so much like toothpaste the thing actually appears to read “OMNEY.” Look at it again. You won’t be able to stop seeing “OMNEY.” What does a search for “OMNEY” turn up? Not a lot. Pretty much just whatever the hell this is:

Sponsored Video

Good thing Romney has name ID and not too many people will be Googling that, we guess?

Oh, and somebody on our tips line suggested it’s a good time to repost this:

Yes. It is. [Ben Smith/VF Daily]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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155 comments

  1. WinterOuthouse

    I don't like the Romney brand of toothpaste. It is gritty and tastes like unwashed dick.

  2. zhubajie

    Make Mormonism the State Church of America! The other fundies'd shit themselves to death!

      1. zhubajie

        Then perhaps you could persuade the Mormons to circumcize theirhearts. Few would survive amateur heart surgery.

  3. finallyhappy

    What the hell? I never watch any clips and I started to watch this one. i demand Wonkette give me back the 2 minutes(NO, I didn't watch the whole thing) I wasted.

    1. 738838

      OMNEY has been shown to be an effective decay preventative dentifrice when used in a conscientiously applied program of oral hygiene and regular professional care.

      1. Swampgas_Man

        You'll wonder where the yellows (and blacks, and browns) went
        When you vote for Mitt for President!

      1. Swampgas_Man

        See the birds
        Red, blue and purple
        If the sight don't drive ya mad
        The chirp'll.

        Also,
        What color is a belch? Burple.

  4. PsycWench

    Didn't Sarah Palin use the running thing in 2008?

    OT: on CNN.com Trump says he's the Obama campaign's worst nightmare. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH…..ow, now I'm sore.

    1. realmurkin

      Lou Sarah's running made sense, though, because America loves bouncing titties, because of teh freedumb boners.

  5. BerkeleyBear

    This, TPaw and Trump's media tour are the best things that could happen to Obama.

    The GOP – constantly reminding us what douchebags they are.

    1. hooray4anything

      I've been saying that for months (years? decades?) but I'm getting increasingly unsure that the American will ever be aware of just how big a bunch of douchebags Republicans are.

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      Watching the Republicans from here at Wonkette makes me feel like a member of the crowd of Tunisian extras when Michael Palin and Graham Chapman were doing the whole "Wewease Wodewick" and "Thamthon the Thadduthee Thtrangler" bit up on the dais.

    1. Native_of_SL_UT

      I watched the whole thing thinking it some really brilliant snark, but now I'm not so sure.
      Either way, Mitt should hunt those fuckers down and shoot them, they ain't helping him.

  6. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Wait. Wasn't "Omney" a computer from the 80s? Or a bad soft-porn SF magazine put out by Guccione?

  7. smokefilledroommate

    Just like all aliens Mormons, the message is subliminal: OMNEY = MONEY. GIVE TO THE 'PASTY' FACE. MARRY AND REPRODUCE.

  8. slithytoves

    I had slow day, too, evidenced by the fact I was posting to Wonkette. I didn't get fired, didn't file a grievance, and didn't get reported for drinking on the job. I formally announce my candidacy for President of Earth. Vote for me.

    1. tessiee

      Reminds me of an old joke, the punchline of which is, "Second prize is TWO weeks in Detroit".

  9. Katydid

    Now I want Boner to run; I'm imagining his campaign song.

    "Give me Boner, more Boner, it'll carry us throu-u-u-u-gh…"

        1. memzilla

          Yeah, as soon as I have an erection lasting more than 4 hours, f**k calling a doctor — I'm booking a room in the Hilton and calling every ex-girlfriend in the book.

    1. hooray4anything

      If Mitt wins the candidacy, he can make Boehner his VP Candidate and we'll have Mitt Boehner.

  10. Radio_______

    Jack, you got the soundtracks reversed. Watching the second vid with Omney's audio over it just hip-hop rocks!

  11. OC_LEVEL 7!!!_Serf

    an empty news cycle this afternoon

    Fuck..we just went to 7 in Japan, folks

    Uh, that's Chernobyl Game Level 7

    Fuck.

    1. MarshallBanana

      Oh, it's okay. Now that we in America have confirmed that we're all good, to hell with those furriners. What's Charlie Sheen up ta?

    2. emmelemm

      RED ALERT, people! Look sharp.

      (Um, seriously, that's bad. But whatta the fuck-a we supposed to do about it?)

          1. emmelemm

            Well, the milk and water will be contaminated, but vodka, sweet vodka should still be just fine. If you prefer gin or tequila, I'm sure those will work.

  12. chascates

    Poor Mittens! 2012 is the Year of the Crazies. He should be screaming about the 80 bazillion in deficits that will cause our great-grandchildren to self-abort.

    1. Geminisunmars

      Geeesh. Give him a chance to warm up. He is only just now doing the exploring thing. Shouldn't be too long before he is blathering.

  13. Blendergoathead

    Romney's so damn boring it's almost impossible to really make fun of him. There just isn't anything there, except for the magic underwear and the dog thing (both of which have been pretty much played out).

    Wake me up when Bachmann jumps on the "Hopey's brain was operated on by aliens" train (or flashes her coochie on Fox).

  14. JackDempsey1

    I await for the teabagger response to this rather direct link between Romney and the fluoridation of just about every-goddamn-thing in America.

  15. Radio_______

    Here's a video synopsis of Gimme Mitt, FWIW:
    Foundling Fathers, flags, Lincoln, St. Ronny, WTC, eagles, 911, WWII, law and homeland security order, business cred, $1 million Mitt bill?, kissing babies, family, family
    hate libs, businessman, hate lib elites, freedom, and most important, lots of Mitt — he's a looker.
    Romney/Omney '12

  16. bumfug

    "Believe In America." Isn't he cute? And don't you other kids tell him any different, you hear? I want him to hold on to his childhood as long as he can.

  17. GodShammgod

    He can get away with ripping off a toothpaste logo because most Republican primary voters don't have teeth.

  18. SayItWithWookies

    Wow, that "Gimme Mitt" thing was a crime against rhythm, rhyme, scansion and arrangement at least. And how many times do you hear lyrics about running the Olympics and bringing "fiscal success" to Massachusetts? Add to this the random vibrato for inexplicable moments of pathos, the swelling harmonies, the "turned water to wine" (oh sure, why not?) — its sum total just screams "If you were all just as blindly adoring as I am this would be a great country, ruled as we would be by the likes of Jim Jones and Aimee Semple MacPherson."

    1. Geminisunmars

      Yeah, I wondered about that "water into wine" thing (at 1:21 for those who wish to experience the blessed lyrics for themselves). Wine – for a Mormon? Or doesn't the Moran who wrote this know about liquor and the Latter Days Aints?

  19. GuanoFaucet

    Romney paste: A sedative and teeth whitener all in one. Magical underpants not included.

    1. Radio_______

      The Owl is back! All hail the Owl! Hope you're hale.

      But, that Lava comment reminds me of the old joke about the toothbrush salesman with a lisp. Punchline:
      "This tastes like shit,"
      "It is shit…wanna buy a toothbrush?"

  20. An_Outhouse

    Do they call him Mitt because he likes to hold balls? Those are the whitest teeth I've cum across.

    1. Cicada

      Ahhahahaha…no. He was in France in the 60's. If he was a Dem, he'd be crucified for that.

  21. Dudleydidwrong

    That video gags maggots. It looks like something that was produced for a junior high course in "Introduction to Hollywood film making." C+ I hope that Mittens uses it this time around to save money.

  22. Callyson

    Omney = Omen
    The Omen
    Directed by Richard Donner. Starring Gregory Peck, Lee Remick, David Warner. An American ambassador learns to his horror that his son is actually the literal Antichrist
    Or…
    Omney: now guranteed to clean santorum!

  23. D3C0D3

    Romney believes in America, and god cursed black people with dark skin because they are angels of the devil. Always knew there was something wrong with Lil Wayne.

  24. fuflans

    yeah well mitt you didn't really 'carry us thru' did you? didn't even make it to the final round defending 'merica's honor against the kenyan birther… left us to be defended by that old guy who crashed all those airplanes… left us to the tender mercies of the pitbull with crappy lipstick…

    fuck you mitt. you've failed us before.

    you'll do so again.

  25. Fare la Volpe

    HI, BILLY MAYS HERE FOR OMNEY CLEAN. ARE YOU TIRED OF BROWNS DIRTYING UP YOUR WHITE HOUSE? JUST SPRAY OMNEY CLEAN AND BOOM! YOUR WHITES ARE CLEAN AND NON-THREATENING JUST LIKE THAT!

    GET YOUR WHITES WHITER THAN WHITE WITH OMNEY CLEAN.

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      so full of win

      CALL NOW AND WE'LL THROW IN A TOP RATE TAX CUT! JUST PAY LOBBYISTS AND TOADIES!

    2. emmelemm

      Seconding "full of WIN".

      It was the "non-threatening" that pushed it over the top – so perfect, so perfect.

  26. randcoolcatdaddy

    Have you noticed that when you squeeze Aqua Fresh out of the tube and all the colors get mixed together it looks kind of grey?

    Just sayin'…..

  27. neiltheblaze

    He will never be President Omney. Though, I think he might have a shot at the Aquafresh spokes-model after he's out of the race.

  28. DerrickWildcat

    Fun Mormon facts.
    There is a reason why Mormon people have dumb first names.
    You see there are only a handful of different surnames in Utah.
    Mostly they are Young, Clark, Smith or Johnson.
    If they give their kids normal first names, you'd end up with 13 Jeff Clarks, 11 Larry Smiths and 23 Mary Johnsons is every single class. Giving their kids weird first names makes them unique.
    In Romney's case, he goes by his weird middle name Mitt because there were already 300 Willard Romneys at Brigham Young.
    Just guess which state has the most Romneys? http://names.whitepages.com/last/romney

    more fun Mormon name stuff: http://wesclark.com/ubn/

    1. tessiee

      "There is a reason why Mormon people have dumb first names.
      You see there are only a handful of different surnames …
      If they give their kids normal first names, you'd end up with 13 Jeff Clarks, 11 Larry Smiths and 23 Mary Johnsons is every single class. Giving their kids weird first names makes them unique. "

      This is something I hadn't actually known before, thanks.
      My question is, how is "Mitt" short for "Willard"?

  29. MilwaukeeKent

    Man, that second video, it all starts to make sense. "Give me Mitt…he'll Kerry us through". There was also what sounded like ""He shaking down every company, one by one…" That can't be right.
    Why didn't he just go with "New! Improved!" for a slogan, an obvious extension of "Tested. Proven." I'd call Mitt quite the product, but for fear he'd take it as a compliment, and that's just wrong.

  30. [redacted]hse

    "ROMNEY- Mittens you can believe in."

    And hey, Aquafresh: you're #1 to me. Don't ever change.

  31. PsycWench

    Not "Belive in America also freedom of speech and smaller government where they have oversight and that's all a part of the maverick thing that is so full of spirit and energy with no holds barred protection from the LameStream Media"?

  32. Passionphd

    "Mormons: three in one protection for your family." Why not maximize a motto that embraces both AquaFresh AND polygamy.

  33. PuckStopsHere

    Check out that family photo with the three dozen kids and the whatnot. If this guy is not a motherfucker–it's the only think he's not fucked. And did he really turn water into wine like the song sez…cause if he did, fuck it, I'm voting for him.

  34. Schmegeg

    At least they can't use the shirtless Ted video on their commercials anymore. Unless the are complete douchebags. But wait . . . .

  35. BarackMyWorld

    Mitt Romney Takes Slogan From Loser John Kerry, Logo From Toothpaste

    …and ideas from inside his own ass!

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Mormon Glenn Beck arguing for a return to the Gold Standard was just the beginning. In 2013, America gets a Golden Shower.

      This message paid for by Mitt's the Shit 2012. Undead Merlin Olsen, Treasurer.

  36. BlueStateLibel

    Trump and Romney will lose of course, and probably very badly, but think of all the 'money and jawbs they'll be pumping into the economy! All's we need is Steve Forbes, Bill Gates and Paul Allen, and the damn depression will be over.

  37. thefrontpage

    Who is Omney?

    Omney, or Romney, has no business being president, or holding any political office. He's unqualfied, inexperienced, an idiot, a moron, a poseur, he was a lousy governor, and he's just a nimrod.

  38. hagajim

    Mittens Romney – Aquadouche! Seriously, his logo is about as good as that of Aquafresh….will leave your teeth nice and white – but leave a nasty taste in your mouth.

  39. NorthStarSpanx

    I've never seen that Romney documentary before, he cleaned up America and turned water to wine? Not bad for a Mormon.

  40. crybabyboehner

    A bland rich guy from Massachusetts who says "Believe in America."

    Can Bob Shrum be far behind?

  41. Sassomatic

    Maybe he chose the toothpaste logo because he wants to be seen as "refreshing." Let's just be glad he didn't rip off the Massengill logo. Although that would have been more appropriate.

  42. DemonicRage

    With the Aquafresh logo and the "Touch of Grey" inky black product in his hair, maybe Romney can have his campaign financed by a consortium of RiteAide/DuaneReade& Walgreen's.

  43. tessiee

    Aquafresh is a loser toothpaste? But it keeps my smile bright and minty fresh!
    It does, right?
    Doesn't it?

  44. SkinnyNerd

    What is it with political candidates and logos and slogans? I am not buying some stupid product I don't need, I am voting for a president. How about wasting your time on hammering out a decent policy. And what is it with the red, white, and blue? We are not that dense as a country yet, we know we're voting for president of America. It's not like your only other option is pink nail polish, people, there's millions of colors to choose from.

  45. ttommyunger

    Oh no you don't, Jack. I spent my day divided between my dentist, the VA Eye Clinic and stuck in traffic transiting the two. You don't seriously expect me to voluntarily watch the Mitster, do you? I'm not as dumb as I look….well, not quite.

Comments are closed.