About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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Hola wonkerados.

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68 comments

  1. exmartinette

    "Hi. This is Dash Riprock speaking to you from an empty stadium somewhere. Bzzz, dsfg, glplxxk, boop, send money."

    1. poncho_pilot

      i think mormons are like mogwai. water makes them breed. feeding them after midnight turns them into gremlins. they can still drink 3.2% beer, though.

  2. hagajim

    Oh look…Mittens put on his "I'm a real candidate" face to allow his underwear to announce for him.

  3. Gopherit

    Mitt knows how to add money into the economy. He'll drop at least $100 million on this failed run. On the plus side, he didn't stray into any of his LDS cazy town bullshit, so he'll be in for a few weeks anyway.

  4. SayItWithWookies

    "And with this new meter I don't have to stick my fingers anymore. And these life insurance rates won't increase and I don't need a doctor's visit to qualify. Quaker Oats — it's the right thing to do."

  5. harry_palmer

    If the only qualification for President is having the acting skills of a bad TV commercial doctor, Mitt's your man.

    1. LesBontemps

      My money is on Mitt's hair in two out of three falls. But Trump's hair cheats, so it all comes down to the refs.

  6. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    "Look, I'm standing in front of a baseball field. Am I totally fucking American or what?"

  7. EatsBabyDingos

    His eyes are entirely too red where they ought to be white. Hence, and ipso facto, he's been hitting the bong too much before trying to "teleprompt." Waaaay too Canadian, even for South Eastern Canada/East Vermont.

    But I love the magic hair helmut.

    1. cheaphits

      Mitt better gobble every drug he can buy, beg or borrow if he's going to compete with the heavy crazies he's going to face in the Repubtard primaries…he's gonna need way more than pot,.

      1. EatsBabyDingos

        Yeah, I'm thinking Thorazine, for a little Dozin' and Droolin' So he won't feel so out of place with the other "candidates" or the hoverounds.

  8. Texan_Bulldog

    That's 2 minutes & 30 seconds of my life that I'm going to keep! But, I do like how the video is juxtaposed next to the "Giving up on gay men?" ad.

  9. Schmannnity

    "Last week in Nevada, I walked through neighborhoods with homes either vacant or in foreclosure." Spoiler alert for Hangover II.

  10. Beetagger

    No snark. This jerkwad has no beliefs of his own that he won't compromise away. He's like a goddamned weather vane, turning his pretty head whichever direction the corporate/tea party wind blows.

  11. fartknocker

    I will not watch the video. The last thing I want as a President is a former CEO/ El Jefe. And what is up with that hair – it looks like his barber went to the Rick Perry School for Men's Hair Care.

  12. KeepFnThatChicken

    Move over, Bob Saget. I know now the real "illest motherfucker in a cardigan sweater."

  13. edgydrifter

    He believes in America. Cool. He also maybe believes Jesus moseyed around the old west in a poncho like Josey Wales. Good luck selling that, dude.

    1. poncho_pilot

      that sounds like an awesome movie, though: The Outlaw Jesus Wails. "Wails" because he also plays guitar.

      so, Zachariah meets Six-String Samurai meets Buckaroo Banzai.

  14. BlueStateLibel

    Why are there no American flags in that commercial? Why does Mitt Romney hate America?

    1. Fare la Volpe

      Not even one flag pin, and he didn't have his hand over his heart.

      If it weren't for the fact that he's white, I'd be outraged.

  15. bumfug

    Good thing he's starting a new committee – his last "exploratory committee" (both hands) wasn't able to find his ass. I also like how he can't quite kill the smile that pops up when he talks about how bad unemployment is hurting the masses.

  16. BarackMyWorld

    Wait….is that Mitt Romney, the pro-choice, pro-healthcare reform governor of Massachusetts?

    Didn't he serve only one term and leave office with a 34% approval rating?

  17. KenLayIsAlive

    Just curious Mitt, what's it going to take to pry the billions and trillions out of the super wealthy's hands and get them to hire and invest in America after making more billions nearly destroying our economy?

    More tax cuts? Less regulation? Blow jobs? Slavery? What?

    What a fucking Mittiot.

  18. HelmutNewton

    I almost feel sorry for Mittens. Of course there's the Mormon thing. But his basic problem is that he's an old-school "backroom deal" kind of politician in a Republican party more concerned with women's uteri and teabagging each other over who can take away Grandma's Medicare the fastest.

  19. GeneralLerong

    Well, if they select Palin as VP candidate again, we can at least look forward to her murdering him and then carrying the head around as she yells "Me! Me King now!"

  20. pinkocommi

    I watched the entire commercial anxiously waiting for Mitt to blame American's declining competitiveness on the fact that so many science teachers are prevented from teaching creationism in our public schools. Or is that allegation just subsumed within the criticism of "Obama's policies"?

  21. Hatrabbit

    Poor Mitt. He still looks shattered from the beating old Walnuts McNutty-pants gave him in 2008.

    Hope there's no Octegenarians running this time around, Mitt couldn't survive that shit.

  22. JuanJamon

    Allow me to summarize for those of you who rightfully do not care or have the time to watch this video.

    Mittens: "Business, business, jobs, Obama fails, America, business, jobs, business, America, greatness, jobs, business, president, donate."

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