short-fingered vulgarian birthers

American Literary Icon Donald Trump Not Impressed With Juli Weiner

How does he even write with those swollen, dwarfish fingers? He's more hobbitt than man.Vulgar idiot Donald Trump was born into a multi-million-dollar fortune and still went bankrupt, repeatedly, because he’s so dumb he can’t figure out how to make money off casinos and New York real estate. Is he actually retarded? No, he just talks that way! Donald Trump is actually a respected editor and American literary icon — remember his hilarious satirical novel, The Art of the Deal? If there’s anything funnier than a born-rich tool repeatedly going bankrupt because he’s so stupid, it’s actually titling the book TRUMP: The Art of the Deal. Anyway, now he’s just another half-senile racist jabbering to one of his Czech prostitutes or Fox News about how that shiftless Obama got himself born in Hawaii somehow just so he could collect welfare like the rest of the coloreds. Also, Donald Trump is not impressed with former Wonkette editor Juli Weiner.

Trump brushed a few loose two-foot-long strands of dyed-orange side hair from his Neanderthal forehead and got out the Sharpie and began writing furious notes to Graydon Carter, current editor of Vanity Fair and founding editor of SPY Magazine, which was mostly concerned with calling Donald Trump a “short-fingered vulgarian,” because that’s what he is.

Anyway, Donald Trump is ANGRY about this Juli Weiner writing these magazine articles that are actually blog posts printed out, so Donald Trump can figure out how to look at them. Juli writes at VF Daily:

On March 24, Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter received a packet of documents from Trump containing a print-out of a VF Daily blog post from the week prior (shown below), several articles from blogs and newspapers concerning the ratings of Celebrity Apprentice and Trump’s presidential aspirations, and an embossed “DONALD J. TRUMP” note card of surprisingly thin paper stock.

To answer Trump’s one question, Ben Smith is a writer at Politico.

And with that, a writer even younger than his latest wife taught 85-year-old Donald Trump some important news about the “Washington Political Scene.” We just hope Juli doesn’t like tacky, glass-and-gold-trim condo buildings, because she is now on Donald Trump’s blacklist. (Haha just kidding, Trump would take money from literally anyone, including Stalin … take it, and then immediately lose it, and then go bankrupt. Again.) [Vanity Fair]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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  1. philpjfry

    The only thing that impresses Trump is how much vanity he can fit into his tiny brain. Douchebag

  2. Captain_Quark

    Hey, if you went through life with a name like "Donald T. Rump," you'd spend a lot of time being butt hurt, too.

  3. OC_1 metre wave_Serf

    Scrawled notes, pictures, obsessions…Trump is starting to look a little Ted Kaczynski

      1. bureaucrap

        Leonardo da Vinci ? (or was it Leonardo di Caprio ?– it's so hard to tell the difference.)

  4. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    So now trump is basically just sending in crank letters-to-the-editor? Wow, he really does have his finger squarely on the pulse of his constituency. I guess his next move is to put all his crazy ramblings about birf certificates and anchor preznits on a rusty camper and hit the campaign trail.

    1. GOPCrusher

      I think Trump has decided to try to out-Palin Bible Spice in demonizing any member of the media that may report the truth about him.

    2. ChessieNefercat

      Oh good, we needed another "politician" obsessed with picking doomed-to-lose fights with every.single.person. that dares to say anything whatsoever that is not! HOW DARE YOU!!! total worshipfulness of said politician's god like perfection.

  5. anniegetyerfun

    People who live in smoked-glass and brass houses shouldn't throw stones from the sidelines, or whatever Sarah said about this schmuck. My point, I think, is that he really needs to stop referring to other people as "bad writers".

    1. indysocco

      He's not so much referring to bad "writers" as bad "word users" because he's, you know, an idiot.

      1. anniegetyerfun

        Honestly, I hate to keep saying this, but he makes Sarah Palin look like an intellectual. A reasonable, non-petty intellectual. With good hair and a healthy marriage.

    2. Not_So_Much

      Yes, he strikes me more along the intellectual lines of 'ungood writers that don't write good', kinda brainiac.

  6. Slim_Pickins

    Wait, could bankruptcy as a business strategy also be a useful governmental strategy?

    1. zhubajie

      If Trump or anyone really stops paying US debts, then the economy will *really* collapse! Look at Argentina, ten years ago.

  7. pinkocommi

    By "bad writer," Trump means only that he thinks "Juli" is mispelled.
    By "bad picture," he means that his hair doesn't look ridiculous.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Someone should tell him he looks just like Merv Griffin in that picture — just so we could see the paroxysms of rage that would ensue.

      1. anniegetyerfun

        I wish I could post a photo comparing the two here.

        But really, this is probably one of two photos I have ever seen where it doesn't look like a giant cock has been recently Photoshopped out from between his lips. Should I take this to mean that he prefers that expression?

  8. baconzgood

    That's not a water mark on his card….It's a tear drop. Does the Donster need a hug from Vanity Fair for not playing along with your birther crazy talk like Faux Noose?

  9. GunToting[Redacted]

    Wow, who would have thought that someone with thinner skin than Sarah Palin could even exist!

  10. DeeJayKitteh

    I take journalistic criticism from Trump as seriously as I take birth control advice from Bristol Palin.

          1. baconzgood

            Tax advice from Al Capone.

            {you are right DeeJay, it is a fun game. It will be ours now! "It's like getting (add it here) advice from (add it here)"}

    1. riverside68

      war advice from, I don't know,
      Donald Rumsfield, Dick Cheney, Henry Kissinger, Bush the Younger, Wastemoreland.

  11. SayItWithWookies

    Oh, and Donald Trump might actually be dumber than Dubya. Check out his interview with an evangelical Christian and his answer to how he sees this so-called "God:"

    I believe in God. I am Christian. I think The Bible is certainly, it is THE book. It is the thing. I was raised and I gave you a picture just now and perhaps you'll use that picture I found it from a long time ago. First Presbyterian Church in Jamaica queens is where I went to church. I'm a protestant, I'm a Presbyterian. And you know I've had a good relationship with the church over the years. I think religion is a wonderful thing. I think my religion is a wonderful religion.

    His speech is so awkward because he babbles on until he runs into an idea and then he backs up and runs over it repeatedly to make sure it's dead, much how he probably instructs his limo driver to deal with pedestrians.

    1. JustPixelz

      His ties to Jamaica are revealing. As he explained in his well-written bestselling tome, "Don't Make It, Sell It!"

      It was a few years ago that I came across a blunt from my youth in Jamaica. Still sealed in a plastic bag I wondered if it had aged well. I turned it over in my fingers, smelled its cool aromas with my nose. Looks good, smells good. But what about taste. I made an immediate, executive decision. "You're fired!" I said. A few hours later, I came up with my idea for "The Apprentice". I am a fucking genius.

    2. Fare la Volpe

      You remember that one job interview that you forgot to prepare for? You knew the company's name from the outside of the building, but you had no idea what the job title was, what your responsibilities would be, or even what to call your boss.

      That's what happened with Donnie just now.

      1. berkeleyfarm

        That is so what's happening here. Donnie probably hasn't gone to church outside hatch/match/dispatch since his mommy stopped making him go. He's obviously trying to present himself as a Man of Faith to the roobs and he's just as obviously covering up for a secular life and without a clue as to how to Really Talk About It.

  12. Eve8Apples

    If he wanted to gain tea-bagger cred, he should have referenced "lame stream media" and glued a couple of teabags to his cheap little cards.

    1. Maman

      or create a wig of teabags…. I bet it could look like one of those British judges that I always see on Law & Order UK.

  13. SorosBot

    Someone needs to explain to Donald how links work, as on the original article right where the "Who is Ben Smith?" question points to is a link to his article Juli quoted; he could have followed to answer his question. Of course, if he's anything like the older senior management folks I've worked with he probably just has his secretary browse the internet and print articles out for him.

    1. emmelemm

      Sigh. Have been that secretary. (Long ago, now, fortunately…)

      Ten years ago or so, I worked for a small company, where the CEO, who was not all that old, but was certainly old-skool, had a *really* old secretary who actually TOOK SHORTHAND DICTATION. Yes, he specifically had to have a secretary who knew shorthand. The end.

      ETA: because he couldn't even type a letter on a computer.

      1. SorosBot

        Working in law, I don't I've met an attorney over about 45 who knows how to type. I had weeks of hell as a paralegal when my boss' secretary was on vacation and I basically filled in; it made me really feel bad for her, getting treated like that every day.

        1. riverside68

          you been working at the big firms.
          I had to learn to type at the public defenders 25 years ago. (I was hitting 35 back then.) All them movement types have to do their own typing.
          ( What's that? You don't think The Donald is a movement type? Could be, maybe we should throw some stones at it and see what comes up.)

  14. Mahousu

    I have an uneasy feeling that this is Trump's version of a courtship ritual. Probably next week he'll send Juli twelve dozen roses and a case of Godiva chocolate. (Paid for out of campaign funds; he's not about to use his own money.)

  15. bokononista

    From an objective point of view, the picture actually helps to make Trump appear a tad more normal, awkward with the big tie, but normally awkward. Like everybody else.

  16. facehead

    Trump can trace his lineage back to the early Etruscan Vulgars, such as Pliny "The Situation" Elder and Douchebag III.

    Why is Juli Weiner Racist against the vulgarians?

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      If memory serves me right, Romulus and Remus were rejected by Estruscan society prior to founding Rome due to their criticism of the over-gilded pottery of Donaldus "Richus Novum Mendax Maximae" Trumpus to which he took exception.

  17. Gopherit

    Wait, that's a bad picture? Trump, get a mirror…..and get that dead kitten off your head. This guy is two kleenex boxes and a pilot's license from becoming Howard Hughes.

    1. fuflans

      yeah he looks like a cross between an aging robert redford and an always aged ted koppel – which is so much better than trump at any age.

    1. weejee

      Probly been to the ballpark too often and he is aping the scoreboard that keeps track of K's. Elements of Style is so dead.

  18. LesBontemps

    No one can pull the rug from under Donald Trump. From on top of him, yes, but not from under him.

  19. __kth__

    Ha, Juli has some kind of world-conquest to-do list, a la The Great Rock N Roll Swindle, and she just crossed off Item #1.

  20. XOhioan

    Trump is Merv Griffin's butt-boy.

    "His first words when he heard I was bidding against him were: 'You mean that band singer?' Now I had left Freddy Martin's band in 1952, and this was in 1988!"

    He added with a twinkle in his eyes: "The press came to me and asked, 'Are you going to answer him back?' I said, 'No, just tell him to behave himself or I'll go around Atlantic City and take the T off his name.' That infuriated him."

    1. Gopherit

      I don't know. Riley was molested by known Harry Potter fanfic aficionado Breitbart. Judging from his previous "wives" I think Trump is strictly into trannies.

  21. SorosBot

    And Ken, you must be proud, seeing the young intern kid all grown up and getting personal attacks from an actual obnoxious egotistical thin-skinned celebrity and possible joke Presidential candidate.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      [Sniff]… they grow up so fast, you know? Just yesterday she was putting up with our sexual harrassment and odes of love, and now…

  22. mourningnmerica

    More age spots than O'Reilly on the cover of Al Franken's book. He looks better with the clown makeup.

    1. AJW@[redacted]

      And here's what the donald had to say about it:
      "It's a piece of garbage" –Donald Trump.

      1. AnAmericanInTO

        Ooh! "Chronicle of a Death Foretold!"

        Spy kept me sane as a teenager in Hillbilly Maine. I felt so worldly, like I could hobnob with Anthony Haden-Guest if just given the chance.

        1. Jukesgrrl

          Sweet. Did you display the copy that featured Hillary on the cover in dominatrix gear so other people could see it? I did.

  23. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    It will be interesting at the end of the week when most current and former Wonkette writers have disappeared. We will dance for you when you are gone.

    1. BlueStateLibel

      Actually, I think he'll just write a furious, incoherent, 10-page letter to Ken Layne that we can all laugh at. I'll be looking forward to it.

  24. Rotundo_

    Not merely content to set records in bankruptcy in the business world, Duh Donald now wants to take on The Big One, The Queen Mother of Bankruptcy: The United States of America. I'm not sure how this benefits him, but it sounds like he is committed and ready to set sail for the debt world's moneypit and bottomless void. Eeep.

  25. hagajim

    Of course it's no surprise that its a bad picture…Trump was badly beaten in his hometown of Jamaica (Queens – wink*, wink*) by a big bully carrying one of the meanest ugly sticks you have ever seen. As he was beating young Donald, he kept hearing "YOU'RE FIRED, YOU'RE FIRED". He finally tired and went and smoked some ganja….

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Really?! I always just thought he was a pompous turd in vague sort of way, but never paid much attention to him.

      Now that I cannot avoid his recent Palinesque look-at-me-me-me yammerings, I am shocked that someone who is so remarkably stupid can have gotten away with convincing people that he was some sort of genius for so long.

      Oh, wait a minute, that's how he is smart? Huh. Never mind.

  26. Fare la Volpe

    Jesus, Donald, we get it. Your penis is really really small. You don't need to keep rubbing our faces in it.

  27. neiltheblaze

    "Bad picture" (no surprise!)

    Correct – it's no surprise, Donald. You know why? Because you're a *butt ugly* short-fingered vulgarian.

  28. Texan_Bulldog

    Good grief, is this nut bag still yammering on about this? In Austin, there's this alleged homeless man named Leslie that runs the streets in his underwear, women's clothes or whatever the voices inside his head told him to put on that morning. Donald is making Leslie look smart & sane. Oh & Leslie also ran for Austin mayor and lost….by a LOT because while folks think he's amusing and entertaining, no one wants him in any position of authority!

  29. mavenmaven

    He's got a team of dedicated researchers searching for information on Graydon and Juli.

  30. MistaEko

    His arrow about a figure being "billions too low" points to the year 2011, not his net worth.

    That's not going to sit well with the evangelicals.

  31. dr_giraud

    "surprisingly thin paper stock" SNAP. I'll bet Ms. Weiner's cards are the color of bone.

  32. BZ1

    The Donald writes with a Sharpie, how quaint and stupefyingly brilliant… If only Lincoln had a Sharpie when he was fishing around for something to write with on his envelope speechy thing.

  33. DonnyKerabotsos

    Ken, you rouse the ire of the Donald at your peril! Piss him of and he just might engineer one of his 'deals' and you be working for a website called Trumpette.

    All our screen names will include the word Trump and our avatars will have bad hair.

    1. emmelemm

      HA! If the Trump vs. Rosie O'Donnell feud provides an indication, it would be incredibly stupid and mean. But also occasionally funny.

  34. Wilcoxyz

    Someone one tell him that journalism is kind of like a Comedy Central roast. People say mean things — because they're true.

  35. comrad_darkness

    I'm a little confused. Did Trump actually think anyone would give a shit about his little comments except to mock him?

    1. mrpuma2u

      Never underestimate the disconnect from reality that someone with the Donald's level of chronic narcissistic personality disorder can have.

  36. GortRay

    The new clinical definition of "moron" is "someone who can run a CASINO! into bankruptcy."

  37. __kth__

    Also: if the Koch agenda is to dial down the crazy for 2012, because swing voters, then Trump is really, really fucking up the program.

  38. DemonicRage

    The fact that Trump is being spoken of with any degree of seriousness is a sign that we have matched the Romans in arriving at a period of decline equivalent to the one in their Empire when a horse was elected Senator.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      That actually occurred here in 2000. The Duhnald running is equivalent to the candidacy of just the horse's ass.

  39. WinterOuthouse

    What the fuck is wrong with his neck? Does he even have a neck? Is he neck challenged? Is he neckless? How does he drink without a neck?

  40. chitrade

    The Donald should have heard you don't fuck with the Wonkette, past or present. A slight against one is an insult to all.

    I look forward to his on-air complaints about the "blog gang" that is "hounding him across the inter-sphere".

    And for those Czech whores, he's got your "Full discharge of … all debts … as per the Circuit Court …" right here!

  41. CalamityJames

    He should just use his roast as a campaign ad.

    "You look like Justin Bieber caught on fire."

    "Tonight we honor a self-made millionaire. He started with nothing, worked hard and made a fortune. That man is Fred Trump, Donald`s dad."

    "Donald said he wants to run for president and move on into the White House. Why not? It wouldn`t be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home."

  42. DaSandman

    He looks like an ancient chipmunk on steroids. All that Chechen Viagra must have played hell with his system.

  43. tessiee

    So, the part of the spotlight just recently vacated by dumpy, unattractive nutcase Glenn Beck is now occupied by dumpy, unattractive nutcase Donald Trump…
    I guess it's true that Nature abhors a vacuum.

  44. berkeleyfarm

    Oh, WELL done, Juli. I am sure that Ken and co. must be proud.

    The problem with bloated bidniz types uch as Trump who flirt with the idea of public office is that they are so used to being surrounded by people whose livelihood depends on their whim that they get used to the yes-men tonguing their sphincters and don't realize it doesn't translate well to politics. See: Whitman, Meg.

  45. chitrade

    Bankrupt. Czech whores. Chechen viagra. These are the key talking points for future Trump discussions.

    Only in America, maybe even just only in New York can a vapid salesman who repeatedly makes a fortune separating richer fools from their money then spends it all on Czech whores, Chechen viagra, and substandard concrete pours be lionized as a businessman. Heck, lionized as a businessman and even taken seriously, *just for a moment* as a presidential contender.

    It is reverse capitalism. By all rights, based on reputation and track record, the "Trump brand" should be the kiss of death to any project, be it hotel, presidential run, or lemonade stand. But, in the tradition of greater fools, idiots pile on hoping they can get theirs and get out once a bigger idiot shows up.

    Damn, I think I've just convinced myself the man is actually a genius. A savant.

    That's no consolation to the Czech whores. They're stuck with their bankruptcy discharge notices and a sunk cost of hundreds of dollars in worthless Chechen viagra. No one will ever want to hear about the time they did The Donald.

    Look on demonoid for "Trump: Full Debt Discharge" .. it's the sad, sad sex tape.

  46. Poindexter718

    I wonder how many monitors D-Trump (yo) marked up with his Sharpie before some lackey subtly suggested he print them out (and subsequently was fired for such effrontery)?

  47. JuanJamon

    I googled "Certificate of live birth," which is the total extent which I will expend investigating this "issue." The first thing that comes up is a Wikipedia entry explaining that in many states a certificate of live birth is the exact same thing as a birth certificate. I mean, it makes sense, they are both certificates regarding birth, how many permutations could we possibly need.

    Also, don't you think that the primary vetting process of a U.S. president would be to determine if he were a citizen? I want to rip my hair out every time someone brings up his birth certificate. I also want to rip out Donald Trump's hair.

  48. jeep27

    Who can blame Trump for his errors, the guy was probably drunk and just finished banging one of his apprentices when he wrote that amazing piece. Its far better than what any of us could've done, stop hating and give the guy credit. Trump is living the dream, make money no matter what it takes…isn't that the American way?

    By the way this is all Obama's fault, if he had Springsteen sing 'Born in the USA' at the inauguration nobody would have the balls to doubt that he was a real American.

  49. onemoretime79

    Hands down this is the funniest thing I have read in so long, I had to log on in spite of anyone following, just to read it again and forward it (again); thank you for this gem.
    You rock Ken.
    Only thing I can think of to add is; I rather thought this was a damn fine photo of him. And I laugh all the harder ~ that Trump imagines it is not.
    W T F, Mister T. Rump? You smiling like that is no insult to the world at large. Check. Bow tie, also. Covers hanging skin …
    Fuckin' priceless.

  50. riverside68

    You have no idea how much money you can save by using thin card stock.
    Neither does The Donald.
    It is about 8%. Which works out to about $0.004 per card.
    He didn't get rich by giving away money, he got rich by being born into it.

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