Boring Functionary Eric Cantor Trying To Destroy John Boehner

  teabagger trailer-palace intrigue

The Republican Party has no talent. All of their presidential candidates suck. All of their legislative leaders are uninspiring. This is the closest they can get to interesting politics:

According to the source, Cantor was pushing a hard conservative line in internal deliberations. Boehner’s camp viewed these urgings with suspicion, thinking they were a way to make Boehner look weak. The word “coup” was used.

Not exactly Shakespeare. John Boehner may be a half-wit drunk, dorkwad, but you’re still going to have to be more cunning than that to take him down. [Daily Caller]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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62 comments

      1. Lost_Teabaggers

        Looky here…Glenn will tell you, the only Jews involved in this terrible conspiracy are ones who advocate for social liberty, workers rights and economic fairness (obvious fascist NWO traitors, they don't even PRAISE the Kochs for being racist, selfish fuckwads), Ewic is in the clear on this one (which is ironic considering he IS conspiring 'gainst Boner haha).

      1. Lost_Teabaggers

        haha…eh, I'd answer Tera Patrick…but that's because I like my porno ho's exotic…still, good enough.

      1. Lost_Teabaggers

        Now that's clever…and Cantor actually resembles the critter from Alien if you think about it…HEY, more evidence: Xenomorph vs. Xenophobe!?! Okay, let's call the Daily Mail, this one MUST be investigated at once! Once again, we're through the looking glass here, people….

  1. SorosBot

    And here I thought the current GOP was doomed because they were catering to the teatards; but with infighting among the actual leadership as well the circular firing squad will be for to watch.

    1. Lost_Teabaggers

      Plus, the whole catering to the teatards thing is funny too because of how much they lower themselves for cromagnons to grunt at affirmingly. Okay, it's bettin' time…who gets caught abed with Mark Williams first? Cantor or Boner? My money is on Boner because of all the drinking and "will fuck anything that moves" background….but Ewick is a plottin' and might try to steal his thunder on this one too…especially involving buttsecks with a teatard instead of his close neighbor Lindsey Graham for a change.

    2. GOPCrusher

      I'd be willing to bet that the Teatards are pushing Eric to make a move, since Boehner actually had the nerve to negotiate with the Kenyan Muslim Socialist Usurper and Harry Reid in keeping the government from shutting down.

  2. OkieDokieDog

    It's always a bit sad when a parasite sucks the life blood out of its host, thus killing it in the process. But we're talking GOP and their bastard offspring, the Tea Party, so –
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA !

    Couldn't happen to a more deserving bunch of critters and ticks.

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    Boehner: You want this, don't you? The hate is swelling in you now. Take your Teabag weapon. Use it. I am unarmed. Strike me down with it. Give in to your anger. With each passing moment you make yourself more my servant.

    Cantor: No!!!

    Boehner: It is unavoidable. It is your destiny. You, like your Coppertone QT, are now mine.

  4. widestanceroman

    Funny his name comes up, because I recently overheard a couple of steel-toe boots laughing with one another, and the gist of the joke seemed to be something about wanting to see EC shit out his own teeth.

  5. Gopherit

    Fuck Cantor. That teabag whore actually thought he would score political points by lying his ass off about passing that budget without, you know, actually going through the senate and White House. Hell, he probably did make the teabaggers cheer…..which is why I hope jefferson's ghost comes back and rapes him nightly in his dreams.

  6. SayItWithWookies

    I'm looking forward to the inevitable showdown to decide which freakishly unnatural corporate shill will rule the House — Boehner's leathery mitt-like visage should help him, but Cantor — who has the boniest face in human history — might prove shockingly adept at using his warthog-like protrusions to cause harm. I'd hope for Boehner just because his negotiating skills go slack around cocktail hour.

    1. SorosBot

      I don't think Cantor would get to be Speaker; while he's managed to be a good loyal conservative, the Republicans still wouldn't want one of those people actually leading them, even if they are good with money.

  7. nounverb911

    "Cantor was pushing a hard conservative line in internal deliberations. "
    Needs more santorum.

  8. SmutBoffin

    Eric Cantor: Is this a dagger which I see before me…?
    Staffer: No, Eric, it's your Blackberry flashing. Boehner's calling. He wants to know why you refer to yourself as "Thane of Cawdor" in your email signature.
    Michelle Bachmann: OUT DAMNED SPOT
    Staffer: You too? I knew I should have taken that lobbyist job.

    Scene.

  9. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Boehner has survived the explosion of a thousand suns, and it just left him orange. Let Kantor try his best, but once the GOP has a Speaker, its not like they change them on a whim.

  10. Limeylizzie

    Words cannot express how much I hate Cantor, come on Jews of Wonkette, you only have one Jewish person in Congress and it has to be this one? It's as bad as having Margaret Thatcher as the first female Prime Minister.

    1. Boredw/Gravitas

      Nah, we have that other Jew, Anthony Weiner, my pretend husband. He's worth 1000 Cantors any day.

  11. yellowerdog

    'The leadership of the SA passed from Maurice to the young Hans Ulrich Klintzsch in this period. He had been a naval officer and a member of the Ehrhardt Brigade of Kapp Putsch fame and was, at the time of his assumption of SA command, a member of the notorious Organisation Consul (OC).[9] The Nazis under Hitler were taking advantage of the more professional management techniques of the military'

  12. glamourdammerung

    I am not aware of Cantor being involved in covering up Mark Foley raping children and yet I am not really sure that Cantor would be an improvement.

  13. pinkocommi

    I look forward to seeing Boehner holding a sign showing Cantor wearing a Hitler mustache.

  14. Redhead

    "you’re still going to have to be more cunning than that to take him down."

    Jam the lid of his tanning bed shut, "Final Destination"-style?

    1. Crank_Tango

      well coup is one of those words that is used in a lot of different contexts, and just plain "coup" can even mean fuck, as in cantor is a good fuck. In a teaparty context, this may just be true…

      also, are coup de poing (punch)
      boire un coup (have a drink)
      coup de grâce (deathblow)

      all of these are possibilities…

  15. imissopus

    Eric, the Confederate states will never put a Jew completely in charge. Just look at Judah Benjamin. You're from Richmond, you should know about this.

  16. lochnessmonster

    According to the source, Cantor was pushing a hard conservative line in internal deliberations. Boehner’s camp viewed these urgings with suspicion, thinking they were a way to make Boehner look weak.

    The first part of this reads almost like sexy time…"pushing a hard conservative", "internal deliberations", "urgings"…okay I'm a little weird sometimes.

  17. Callyson

    you’re still going to have to be more cunning than that to take him down
    Spike his vodka with water–that should do the trick.
    Also–the photo in the Daily Caller article is just priceless. Boneheader looks terrified, noCandor looks ready to go for the jugular. GOP meltdown in 3…2…1…

  18. Negropolis

    I'd call Eric Cantor many things (none of them good, though), but "boring functionary" wouldn't be one of them. I guess because he has a Southern accent and speaks with the speed of molasses, he can come across as boring, but he's about as fucking crazy as they come in that party and dumb as a freshly cut stump.

    Silly Ewic, they don't let Jews reach the top in the GOP. Poor, damned, Faustian fool.

  19. ttommyunger

    Cantor is one of those white-on-white pussyfarts who figures he can say anything he wants so long as he has that vapid smile on his pasty little face and no one will slap the living shit out of him. I frankly don't expect him to make it much longer in Congress. No character; not even bad character, to lift a line from Little Bill.

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