TEABAGGER TRAILER-PALACE INTRIGUE  3:00 pm April 11, 2011

Boring Functionary Eric Cantor Trying To Destroy John Boehner

by Jack Stuef

The Republican Party has no talent. All of their presidential candidates suck. All of their legislative leaders are uninspiring. This is the closest they can get to interesting politics:

According to the source, Cantor was pushing a hard conservative line in internal deliberations. Boehner’s camp viewed these urgings with suspicion, thinking they were a way to make Boehner look weak. The word “coup” was used.

Not exactly Shakespeare. John Boehner may be a half-wit drunk, dorkwad, but you’re still going to have to be more cunning than that to take him down. [Daily Caller]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 62 comments }

Come here a minute April 11, 2011 at 3:02 pm

All hail King Boner!

evan7257 April 11, 2011 at 3:04 pm

Clever Jew…

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 11, 2011 at 3:32 pm

I'm just waiting for Glenn Beck to cover this Jewish conspiracy.

Lost_Teabaggers April 11, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Looky here…Glenn will tell you, the only Jews involved in this terrible conspiracy are ones who advocate for social liberty, workers rights and economic fairness (obvious fascist NWO traitors, they don't even PRAISE the Kochs for being racist, selfish fuckwads), Ewic is in the clear on this one (which is ironic considering he IS conspiring 'gainst Boner haha).

OzoneTom April 11, 2011 at 6:16 pm

Sounds like that Jeezuss guy.

yellowerdog April 11, 2011 at 3:11 pm

You know who else pushed a hard line in internal deliberations?

SorosBot April 11, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Jenna Jameson?

Lost_Teabaggers April 11, 2011 at 4:45 pm

haha…eh, I'd answer Tera Patrick…but that's because I like my porno ho's exotic…still, good enough.

GuyClinch April 11, 2011 at 3:21 pm

My ex-wife?

Limeylizzie April 11, 2011 at 3:40 pm

I weep with laughter, even though that sounds like Henny Youngman

nounverb911 April 11, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Lindsey Graham?

widestanceroman April 11, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Lindsay Lohan?

chascates April 11, 2011 at 3:49 pm

The critter from Alien?

Lost_Teabaggers April 11, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Now that's clever…and Cantor actually resembles the critter from Alien if you think about it…HEY, more evidence: Xenomorph vs. Xenophobe!?! Okay, let's call the Daily Mail, this one MUST be investigated at once! Once again, we're through the looking glass here, people….

Monsieur_Grumpe April 11, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Johnny Cash?

GOPCrusher April 11, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Martha Stewart?

trampndirtdown April 11, 2011 at 11:04 pm

When it comes to pushing lines and being hard Charlie Sheen is always a good bet.

ShaveTheWhales April 12, 2011 at 6:06 am

Samuel Goldfish?

DaSandman April 12, 2011 at 2:36 pm

Up the nose you mean :)

SwanSwanH April 12, 2011 at 8:53 pm

Terence Trent D'Arby.

SorosBot April 11, 2011 at 3:14 pm

And here I thought the current GOP was doomed because they were catering to the teatards; but with infighting among the actual leadership as well the circular firing squad will be for to watch.

Lost_Teabaggers April 11, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Plus, the whole catering to the teatards thing is funny too because of how much they lower themselves for cromagnons to grunt at affirmingly. Okay, it's bettin' time…who gets caught abed with Mark Williams first? Cantor or Boner? My money is on Boner because of all the drinking and "will fuck anything that moves" background….but Ewick is a plottin' and might try to steal his thunder on this one too…especially involving buttsecks with a teatard instead of his close neighbor Lindsey Graham for a change.

GOPCrusher April 11, 2011 at 5:49 pm

I'd be willing to bet that the Teatards are pushing Eric to make a move, since Boehner actually had the nerve to negotiate with the Kenyan Muslim Socialist Usurper and Harry Reid in keeping the government from shutting down.

OkieDokieDog April 11, 2011 at 3:18 pm

It's always a bit sad when a parasite sucks the life blood out of its host, thus killing it in the process. But we're talking GOP and their bastard offspring, the Tea Party, so –
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA !

Couldn't happen to a more deserving bunch of critters and ticks.

Beetagger April 11, 2011 at 3:21 pm

If I didn't give a shit, this would be amusing.

BaldarTFlagass April 11, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Boehner: You want this, don't you? The hate is swelling in you now. Take your Teabag weapon. Use it. I am unarmed. Strike me down with it. Give in to your anger. With each passing moment you make yourself more my servant.

Cantor: No!!!

Boehner: It is unavoidable. It is your destiny. You, like your Coppertone QT, are now mine.

widestanceroman April 11, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Funny his name comes up, because I recently overheard a couple of steel-toe boots laughing with one another, and the gist of the joke seemed to be something about wanting to see EC shit out his own teeth.

Gopherit April 11, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Fuck Cantor. That teabag whore actually thought he would score political points by lying his ass off about passing that budget without, you know, actually going through the senate and White House. Hell, he probably did make the teabaggers cheer…..which is why I hope jefferson's ghost comes back and rapes him nightly in his dreams.

SayItWithWookies April 11, 2011 at 3:33 pm

I'm looking forward to the inevitable showdown to decide which freakishly unnatural corporate shill will rule the House — Boehner's leathery mitt-like visage should help him, but Cantor — who has the boniest face in human history — might prove shockingly adept at using his warthog-like protrusions to cause harm. I'd hope for Boehner just because his negotiating skills go slack around cocktail hour.

SorosBot April 11, 2011 at 4:18 pm

I don't think Cantor would get to be Speaker; while he's managed to be a good loyal conservative, the Republicans still wouldn't want one of those people actually leading them, even if they are good with money.

nounverb911 April 11, 2011 at 3:33 pm

"Cantor was pushing a hard conservative line in internal deliberations. "
Needs more santorum.

SmutBoffin April 11, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Eric Cantor: Is this a dagger which I see before me…?
Staffer: No, Eric, it's your Blackberry flashing. Boehner's calling. He wants to know why you refer to yourself as "Thane of Cawdor" in your email signature.
Michelle Bachmann: OUT DAMNED SPOT
Staffer: You too? I knew I should have taken that lobbyist job.

Scene.

ShaveTheWhales April 12, 2011 at 6:07 am

Oh, win.

And take Spot out before he pees on the carpet.

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 11, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Boehner has survived the explosion of a thousand suns, and it just left him orange. Let Kantor try his best, but once the GOP has a Speaker, its not like they change them on a whim.

Limeylizzie April 11, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Words cannot express how much I hate Cantor, come on Jews of Wonkette, you only have one Jewish person in Congress and it has to be this one? It's as bad as having Margaret Thatcher as the first female Prime Minister.

glamourdammerung April 11, 2011 at 3:46 pm

Between Cantor and Lieberman, the Jews got a raw deal. Again.

Boredw/Gravitas April 11, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Nah, we have that other Jew, Anthony Weiner, my pretend husband. He's worth 1000 Cantors any day.

Limeylizzie April 11, 2011 at 3:54 pm

I meant Republican Jew. I love the Weiner.

yellowerdog April 11, 2011 at 3:58 pm

33 Jews in the House, one Republithug. Still liking our ratio, still hating the Cantor

assistantatlas April 11, 2011 at 6:33 pm

Dude, Democrats even have an old black lady Jew from Tennessee (!) … the name's Steve Cohen, I believe.

Negropolis April 12, 2011 at 7:44 am

You sure it's not Whoopi Goldberg?

yellowerdog April 11, 2011 at 3:46 pm

'The leadership of the SA passed from Maurice to the young Hans Ulrich Klintzsch in this period. He had been a naval officer and a member of the Ehrhardt Brigade of Kapp Putsch fame and was, at the time of his assumption of SA command, a member of the notorious Organisation Consul (OC).[9] The Nazis under Hitler were taking advantage of the more professional management techniques of the military'

glamourdammerung April 11, 2011 at 3:47 pm

I am not aware of Cantor being involved in covering up Mark Foley raping children and yet I am not really sure that Cantor would be an improvement.

Schmannnity April 11, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Coup, no. Putsch, yes.

pinkocommi April 11, 2011 at 4:10 pm

I look forward to seeing Boehner holding a sign showing Cantor wearing a Hitler mustache.

Redhead April 11, 2011 at 4:13 pm

"you’re still going to have to be more cunning than that to take him down."

Jam the lid of his tanning bed shut, "Final Destination"-style?

FlownOver April 11, 2011 at 4:16 pm

"The word 'coup' was used."

The chance of it having been used correctly was slight.

Rotundo_ April 11, 2011 at 8:22 pm

The chance of it having been pronounced correctly was less still.

Crank_Tango April 11, 2011 at 8:34 pm

well coup is one of those words that is used in a lot of different contexts, and just plain "coup" can even mean fuck, as in cantor is a good fuck. In a teaparty context, this may just be true…

also, are coup de poing (punch)
boire un coup (have a drink)
coup de grâce (deathblow)

all of these are possibilities…

ShaveTheWhales April 12, 2011 at 6:13 am

coupe Denmark?

hagajim April 11, 2011 at 4:49 pm

Ahhhh – Johnny and Eric…..one can't the other Cantor….fuckers!

__kth__ April 11, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Eric Cantor is a phonier and callower version of Norm Coleman, if that's possible.

imissopus April 11, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Eric, the Confederate states will never put a Jew completely in charge. Just look at Judah Benjamin. You're from Richmond, you should know about this.

lochnessmonster April 11, 2011 at 5:28 pm

According to the source, Cantor was pushing a hard conservative line in internal deliberations. Boehner’s camp viewed these urgings with suspicion, thinking they were a way to make Boehner look weak.

The first part of this reads almost like sexy time…"pushing a hard conservative", "internal deliberations", "urgings"…okay I'm a little weird sometimes.

RedneckMuslin April 11, 2011 at 6:15 pm

I could just cry.

OzoneTom April 11, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Butt they will anyway. Pro forma.

Callyson April 11, 2011 at 7:14 pm

you’re still going to have to be more cunning than that to take him down
Spike his vodka with water–that should do the trick.
Also–the photo in the Daily Caller article is just priceless. Boneheader looks terrified, noCandor looks ready to go for the jugular. GOP meltdown in 3…2…1…

Fred_Wertham_Jr April 11, 2011 at 7:39 pm

Boehner is damn lucky that Cantor is an idiot.

mereoblivion April 11, 2011 at 8:48 pm

That Cantor mutha, he sound pretty coup to me.

donner_froh April 11, 2011 at 9:06 pm

Me love you long time. Me so HORNY. Private Joker: Fifteen dollar too beaucoup

Negropolis April 12, 2011 at 7:26 am

I'd call Eric Cantor many things (none of them good, though), but "boring functionary" wouldn't be one of them. I guess because he has a Southern accent and speaks with the speed of molasses, he can come across as boring, but he's about as fucking crazy as they come in that party and dumb as a freshly cut stump.

Silly Ewic, they don't let Jews reach the top in the GOP. Poor, damned, Faustian fool.

ttommyunger April 12, 2011 at 10:06 pm

Cantor is one of those white-on-white pussyfarts who figures he can say anything he wants so long as he has that vapid smile on his pasty little face and no one will slap the living shit out of him. I frankly don't expect him to make it much longer in Congress. No character; not even bad character, to lift a line from Little Bill.

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