WHAT'S NEXT? A CENTER FOR TERRORISTS?  2:19 pm April 11, 2011

Texas Votes To Require Campus ‘Family Values Centers’ (For Non-Gays)

by Jack Stuef

The long, hard struggle.The Texas House overwhelmingly passed a budget last week that included an amendment that would force state universities to create a “traditional family values center” in order to continue receiving state funding if they currently have one of those resource centers for the gays and such. According to its author, state Rep. Wayne Christian, universities “teach alternative sexual behavior,” and he doesn’t want to interfere with their “right” to do that, he just wants to make sure college kids are taught penises can be stuck in vaginas, the way Jesus had sex and created a family. Is this a sign that heterosexuals can finally express their sexuality openly and enjoy some degree of acceptance in society? Or will our young people continue to kill themselves in shame when they figure out they’re straight?

Christian apologized to the “ladies in the gallery” as state Rep. Joaquin Castro, D-San Antonio, asked him to define “pansexual,” which was included in the amendment.

Giggles aside, the amendment passed 110 to 24.

It Gets Better, heterosexuals. There is a now place where you can be accepted for who you are and connect with other people who are interested in having intercourse with the opposite sex. And once you meet those people, you can fuck the daylights out of them on the couch in the Traditional Family Values Center’s “game room.” Good luck with all the babies you make! [Dallas Morning News/Austin-American Statesman]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 147 comments }

KeepFnThatChicken April 11, 2011 at 2:22 pm

At least they're learning how to fuck in Texas. We're learning how to worship Jesus in Tennessee. With the Legislature's blessing, I might add.

poncho_pilot April 11, 2011 at 2:27 pm

looks like the fuck is on the other foot in TN.

Goonemeritus April 11, 2011 at 2:23 pm

When I was in school that place was called the English department.

justkillmenow April 11, 2011 at 4:36 pm

I thought is was called a bar.

Sophist [غني عن ذلك] April 11, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Free at last, free at last! Thank God almighty we are free at last!

We're straight, we're great, get used to it!

GOPCrusher April 11, 2011 at 4:44 pm

I, for one, am glad that someone is standing up for the rights of the heterosexual community. For too long, we have had to live in shame for our life preferences.

MrsBiggTime April 11, 2011 at 2:23 pm

In some parts of Texas, a "traditional family values center" is a one-stop shop for bouffant hairdos, shotgun shells, confederate flag stickers, and incest.

Sophist [غني عن ذلك] April 11, 2011 at 2:26 pm

So, a Stuckey's then?

cheetojeebus April 11, 2011 at 2:57 pm

I once saw a bunch of fat KKK guys on their way to a "march" in Austin trying to get their white windowless panel van(i kid you not) to start in the lot of a Stuckeys somewhere near Sealy Tx . At least 3 ass cracks leaning over the hood peering inside hoping it would turn over. It was like a scene from a modern day Faulkner novel.

BaldarTFlagass April 11, 2011 at 2:27 pm

You forgot the trucknutz. There's a whole department for them.

GeorgiaBurning April 11, 2011 at 2:31 pm

along with an Air Force recruiting sergeant

BerkeleyBear April 11, 2011 at 2:41 pm

At UT (which you know is the source of all this drama) it also doubles as the Longhorn tailgating section – the only place/time on campus Rick Perry feels comfortable.

At A&M, you just described the whole campus (except for the closet cases who are just there for the cadet unis).

MissTaken April 11, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Candy is dandy, but incest is best!

Steverino247 April 11, 2011 at 6:06 pm

What do you mean, "In some parts of Texas…"? The whole fucking state is like that.

north_of_moscow April 11, 2011 at 2:24 pm

This being East Texas, he really should encourage more research into family sexuality.

Crank_Tango April 11, 2011 at 2:32 pm

I am not sure if this is true but I heard from a truck driver that the way you know you are at a house in east texas is when you knock on the door, you fall through the porch and kill two dogs.

that's all I "know" about east texas.

bureaucrap April 11, 2011 at 2:24 pm

When will they stop recruiting???!!!???

Bonzos_Bed_Time April 11, 2011 at 2:24 pm

A "traditional families center" means they are going to open an on-campus Home Town Buffet.

teebob2000 April 11, 2011 at 2:25 pm

I suddenly want a big bowl of Cheerios.

memzilla April 11, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Texas has outlawed Froot Loops.

genxr April 11, 2011 at 4:27 pm

And replaced it with boxes of Wheeties with a shirtless male pole vaulter on the box.

MistaEko April 11, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Thank goodness. If there's one thing missing from state colleges, it's an environment that promotes heterosexual activity.

MrsBiggTime April 11, 2011 at 2:27 pm

I know. When I was in college I almost never got laid.

memzilla April 11, 2011 at 2:25 pm

My "alternative sexual behavior" involves bacon. With extra heterofats.

MrsBiggTime April 11, 2011 at 2:39 pm

Look, sicko, I don't know what kind of horrible, twisted perversion would involve the use of bacon with our naughty bits, this abomination of god's gifts… but, ah, could I have your phone number?

memzilla April 11, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Only if you're comfortable with dating a hamosexual.

SorosBot April 11, 2011 at 5:02 pm

I'm just shocked that baconzgood hasn't replied to this yet. Or does it make him too hot?

Lascauxcaveman April 11, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Just wait til you see the size of his sausage. You might back out.

SorosBot April 11, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Well at least it's nothing really perverted, like being a furry.

Gleem_McShineys April 11, 2011 at 3:54 pm

So… you're a pan(fried) sexual

baconzgood April 11, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Pansexual is Pangea's slutty sister right?

memzilla April 11, 2011 at 2:28 pm

She had a Zamfirectomy, though.

poncho_pilot April 11, 2011 at 2:29 pm

i think pansexual is when you are sexually attracted to pan pizzas. i may be wrong on that.

MissTaken April 11, 2011 at 3:36 pm

They don't call it stuffed crust for nuttin'!

anniegetyerfun April 11, 2011 at 2:26 pm

I don't want to have our children taught that "straight is great." Not in my cuntry!

weejee April 11, 2011 at 2:26 pm

asked him to define “pansexual"

There is a Anolon, Circulon, Farberware, Kitchenaid, Silverstone, Rachael Ray and Bonjour cookware fapping epidemic? Who in the name of Williams Soma knew? Although come to think of it, that might explain the "keep fucking that chicken" meme.

Gopherit April 11, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Thank god it's all non stick.

Rotundo_ April 11, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Calphalon too? I have to admit a good double boiler is a joy to behold and use, but my naughty tingly bits just don't respond to quality cookware. Oh well.

[redacted]hse April 11, 2011 at 5:56 pm

Any time he tries to get laid they say: "Go fry your ass", that's why he's confused about what sex involves.

marinmaven April 11, 2011 at 10:31 pm

My toes curl for Le Crueset and All Clad cookware. Pan sex indeed.

Billmatic April 11, 2011 at 2:26 pm

This is going to be the least popular spot in Austin.

littlebigdaddy April 11, 2011 at 2:27 pm

I think this is magnificent. I am sure there will be 52" screens with wall to wall hetero porno, 20 year old women in impossibly tight t-shirts….sorry back in a few.

MarshallBanana April 11, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Don't forget lesbian porno, because it's not gay when women do it, it's just HOT and really they're just doing each other because there are no men readily available to cure their insatiable lust.

Swampgas_Man April 11, 2011 at 3:17 pm

This only applies to the attractive, feminine lesbeens; your vastly hotter "Butchies" need not apply. Let 'em come to MY place instead.

whiterabid April 11, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Most are thespian lesbians. It's all about the money, and the Oscars,

SorosBot April 11, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Doesn't "20 year old women in impossibly tight t-shirts" describe the college experience in general?

GregComlish April 11, 2011 at 3:02 pm

omg, guys please stop reminding me how I squandered my college education working hard and learning and I never got any action whatsoever and now I am in a job where 99% of all that hard-won knowledge is no use whatsoever.

ifthethunderdontgetya April 11, 2011 at 2:27 pm

pansexuals have sex with pans. Don't ever mix them up with the potsexuals.
~

SorosBot April 11, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Are the potsexuals the ones who can only get turned on while stoned?

kissawookiee April 11, 2011 at 6:18 pm

And once they've had a kettlesexual they never go back.

teebob2000 April 11, 2011 at 2:27 pm

…and there was never a divorce or unfaithful spouse in Texas again.

The end.

DaSandman April 11, 2011 at 2:27 pm

You crazy crazy mo's. Don't put dicks in your ass. That's like putting pizza up your nose!

anniegetyerfun April 11, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Less delicious, actually. Pizza in the nose is high underrated. Unlike buttsecks.

meufchelou April 11, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Sure. It's okay to talk about pansexuals but no one wants to discuss the growing number of dutch oven porn sites on the internet.

SorosBot April 11, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Finally, a safe place for all those heterosexual kids who keep getting bullied by those mean gays! Having been a young straight kid, I know the pain when those gays gather around you and scream, "boyfriend, you are such a hetero" or "shut up your a breeder".

BerkeleyBear April 11, 2011 at 5:04 pm

There are a few places in SF where that does happen, but generally only when said breeder wanders into the wrong bar and proceeds to spill a bud light on a drag diva.

Fare la Volpe April 11, 2011 at 10:15 pm

Girl it is a bitch and a half to get hops out of sequins.

baconzgood April 11, 2011 at 2:29 pm

They need to be teaching date rape techniques to drunkin frat boys because trial and error takes too long.

El Pinche April 11, 2011 at 2:29 pm

I hope Obama finds Amuka's gas leak. This fuckin place is nutz.

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 11, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Finally, a place where I can learn how to smack my S.O. if she gets uppity, and where she can learn to lie back and stop expecting me to do anything during sex other than get myself off. Why has no one thought of this sooner?

Buzz Feedback April 11, 2011 at 2:31 pm

I'm gonna go put my "dick in the mashed potatoes."

Tommmcattt April 11, 2011 at 2:32 pm

What, no icecicle vag-jay-jay?

OneYieldRegular April 11, 2011 at 2:32 pm

This may be good news for those of us who found the GLBT Center on campus unhelpful in providing advice regarding my gay boyfriend's unplanned pregnancy.

Gopherit April 11, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Actually, Arizona is actively trying to push the public universities to privatize by cutting off as much in the way of state funds as possible. Not enough Jesus there, I guess.

mavenmaven April 11, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Sounds like an easy A!

PeaceWithHonor April 11, 2011 at 2:33 pm

Wait, why as good Christians are they encouraging anyone to stick anything in anyone for any reason? What about a pan-celibacy center, where people of all genders can play hearts and discuss why they're so agitated all the time.

DeeJayKitteh April 11, 2011 at 3:19 pm

Sounds like my freshman dorm, only the celibacy wasn't voluntary.

[redacted]hse April 11, 2011 at 6:02 pm

Yeah, if you mean so FUCKing agitated all the FUCKing goddam FUCKING TIME, then I know just what you're saying.

Gopherit April 11, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Wait, I thought good xtian "abstinence" made anal sex an absolute necessity. Save those hymens for daddy and Jesus, ladies.

zhubajie April 12, 2011 at 7:34 am

Or the preacher!

nounverb911 April 11, 2011 at 2:36 pm

"‘Family Values Centers’
Would these centers be Bristol Palin style or Newt Gingrinch?

EatsBabyDingos April 11, 2011 at 2:38 pm

I prefer mantaquilla sex in Mexico over pan sex; the bread crumbs makes my "dingo" itchy. Ay Carumba!

DerrickWildcat April 11, 2011 at 2:39 pm

Genesis 19:34

34 The next day the older daughter said to the younger, “Last night I slept with my father. Let’s get him to drink wine again tonight, and you go in and sleep with him so we can preserve our family line through our father.”

baconzgood April 11, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Are those lyric's by Peter Gabriel or Phil Collins?

GOPCrusher April 11, 2011 at 4:59 pm

IT WAS ADAM AND EVE, NOT ADAM AND STEVE!!!!

ttommyunger April 12, 2011 at 9:54 pm

Incest is OK so long as you keep it in the fambly.

poncho_pilot April 11, 2011 at 2:40 pm

i think somebody on the TX legislature is a little bitter about being shot down in Montrose.

DashboardBuddha April 11, 2011 at 2:42 pm

What the hell is that woman kissing? I know what it looks like, but that's not what it is, right? Right?

donner_froh April 11, 2011 at 2:44 pm

About one zillion years have passed since I was an undergraduate but I can't imagine things have changed that much regarding the all but constant fucking that went on then.

GodShammgod April 11, 2011 at 2:44 pm

The entire Repubilcan party is made up of those guys in the back of the anatomy class in high school that still giggled when the teacher said "vagina". That is all.

baconzgood April 11, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Tee-Hee
"Vagina"

tessiee April 11, 2011 at 10:00 pm

Heh heh, "period".

SudsMcKenzie April 11, 2011 at 2:45 pm

The predicable blow back from seeing Tom DeLay on Dancing with the Stars.

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum April 11, 2011 at 2:46 pm

This is good. Most kids today need remedial instruction in reverse cowgirl.

slithytoves April 11, 2011 at 2:46 pm

They can stipulate the colleges build these centers all they want – if the Texas budget for education is as bad as ours in New York, these "centers" will consist of a piece of masking tape with the words "Traditional Family Values Center" written on it and slapped on the janitorial closet.

SheriffRoscoe April 11, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Why not just put a Baptist Church on campus and call it a day? They could have neat-o things like spaghetti suppers and taco night fridays for teh yutes. All the co-coler you can drink, and ladies with roommates out of town get in free!

Redhead April 11, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Ummm… isn't this pretty much every part of campus other than the LGBTQ center?

mavenmaven April 11, 2011 at 2:52 pm

no, at the asian student union its more about getting math and pre-med tips.

SorosBot April 11, 2011 at 3:10 pm

And the College Republicans are mostly about closeted gay guys hooking up on the down-low.

imissopus April 11, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Does "pansexual" involve fucking a half-man/half-goat who plays a lute? Because I'd buy that about the Texas legislature.

ShaveTheWhales April 12, 2011 at 5:08 am

No no, pipes. This is the Anti-Zamfir Act.

zhubajie April 12, 2011 at 7:36 am

One of those man-mule relationships?

metamarcisf April 11, 2011 at 2:50 pm

I was encouraged to discover that my own Texas state representative, Bobby Joe Muslim, opposed this bill.

Bezoar April 11, 2011 at 2:53 pm

I know that I can do a great job running one of those centers; where do I apply?

poncho_pilot April 11, 2011 at 2:55 pm

does this mean they do or don't have to let the anti-choicers set up their propaganda booths in the A&M student center?

because it would be a shame if they had to stop bringing their 6' tall posters of aborted feti with the word "genocide" on them.

Eve8Apples April 11, 2011 at 2:55 pm

Since when did Cheerios start putting crystal sex toys in their cereal boxes? When I was a kid, it was goofy puzzles or key chains or junk jewelry. And why isn't their marketing dept all over that like flies on shit? Who gives a damn if they help lower your cholesterol.

MrsBiggTime April 11, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Anyone else notice that if the Wonkette story or its comments include the words "penis," "Jesus," and "Texas," downfister comes out. Coincidence?

Redhead April 11, 2011 at 3:45 pm

Well Texas IS the asshole of the US. Maybe Jeebus likes teh buttsechs?

chascates April 11, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Once Texas passes the bill to allow guns on campus this will also further the heterosexual movement.

Lascauxcaveman April 11, 2011 at 3:02 pm

Lol, these days the Frat houses are all filled up with freshly outed's and closet cases. The chubby sorority girls haz a sad because they need to hang out with GDI's to get laid.

poncho_pilot April 11, 2011 at 3:04 pm

guess you couldn't call them the foothills then.

Fare la Volpe April 11, 2011 at 10:16 pm

Stumphills it is.

equitywolf April 11, 2011 at 3:07 pm

maybe put one of these in the Castro, West Hollywood or Dupont…..

randcoolcatdaddy April 11, 2011 at 3:07 pm

Gee, thanks, Wonkette. I always enjoy waking up in the morning to a fresh steaming hot cup of the Spanish Inquisition.

May I go back to drinking now?

SorosBot April 11, 2011 at 3:08 pm

At least it was a surprise, because nobody expects that.

metamarcisf April 11, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Up yours for stealing my material

- Terry Jones

genxr April 11, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Slap 'im with a fish!

Moonbatting Average April 11, 2011 at 3:10 pm

I attend UT-Austin, and unless I'm crazy, UT already has a "traditional family values center" on campus. It's called the University Christian Church (Disciples of Christ)…or the University Baptist Church…or the University Catholic Center (I could go on).

MrsBiggTime April 11, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Sorry, nothing for you. "Penis" must not be used as an adjective, but may be an interjection. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go interject.

Monsieur_Grumpe April 11, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Seeing that this is Texas I will assume that the Traditional Family Values Center will be closely tied with the university’s agriculture farm animals department.

poncho_pilot April 11, 2011 at 3:15 pm

maybe they can buy some surplus electroshock equipment from Halliburton's Interrogation Equipment Dept.

fuflans April 11, 2011 at 3:21 pm

this is a good thing for government to get involved in.

BlueStateLibel April 11, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Freedom at last for my heterosexual, straight people!

Radio_______ April 11, 2011 at 3:26 pm

metamarcisf, impervious to dysuria ("p" pain).

CapnFatback April 11, 2011 at 3:26 pm

University of Texas, Texas A&M University and other institutions have these centers that “teach alternative sexual behavior” and “alternative sexual practices,” Christian said.

I personally recommend Felching 101 with Dr. Santorum. ♫ Easy "A"! ♪

Andrew Drinker April 11, 2011 at 3:28 pm

That takes the concept of "lab partners" to a whole new level!

Andrew Drinker April 11, 2011 at 3:27 pm

Yep, when I saw your comment, it was at 0. I pushed it back up to +1, but yes, he bit.

CapnFatback April 11, 2011 at 3:32 pm

What makes you think the troll is a "he"? With apologies to the “ladies in the gallery,” I've always assumed that it was a pansexual.

Andrew Drinker April 11, 2011 at 3:45 pm

I make the general ASSumption that when someone is acting like a douchebaggy asshat, they are probably male. Sometimes I'm wrong, but I think I probably have about a 96% accuracy.

Andrew Drinker April 11, 2011 at 3:27 pm

There is a now place where you can be accepted for who you are and connect with other people who are interested in having intercourse with the opposite sex.

Hooter's is opening a new location?

Radio_______ April 11, 2011 at 3:28 pm

To be fair, Christie Kerr sure is good with a niblick.

mercianomad April 11, 2011 at 4:04 pm

The march of stupid just keeps barreling down the avenue of our horrid future. Just why do I have to share a political process with these people again?

__kth__ April 11, 2011 at 4:10 pm

The only way a UT or A&M frat rat would be caught dead in a "traditional values center" is if he planned to give a roofie to one of the purity-ball debutantes there.

Guppy06 April 11, 2011 at 4:13 pm

I thought Republicans didn't like the old Fairness Doctrine

Slim_Pickins April 11, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Will a "Traditional Family Values" major be offered in the UT system?

XOhioan April 11, 2011 at 4:39 pm

The peepee goes in the big teehee, not the little one. Can I get a grant, now?

whiterabid April 11, 2011 at 4:53 pm

When the Young Republicans demand a day to celebrate straight pride, I ask them, what is St. Patrick's Day?

hagajim April 11, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Family values center – in college!?!? I think I'd just put a sign on the broom closet because that's about how much it will get used.

BZ1 April 11, 2011 at 5:34 pm

What is that woman putting in her mouth?

MiniMencken April 11, 2011 at 5:53 pm

On the tape, Wayne (very popular name among serial killers, BTW) states, "Well, currently, the University of Texas, Texas A&M, some other schools have a gender and sexuality center — brick and mortar — that they are using for alternative sexual practices, to encourage them, by allowing them, by teaching them, by giving courses of study, by giving literature…"
OMG, Sheeple! Them preverts is using brick-and-mortar for "alternative sexual practices!" In traditional America, cornholing and sheep-fucking has always been carried out in a wooden barn. And don't get me started about gays "giving literature." That's just one of their code words for oral sodomy.

Thedongsofwar April 11, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Traditional Family Values, brah! Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Steverino247 April 11, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Every college campus in the United States probably has about fifteen youth storefronts for one religious viewpoint or another within stone's throw of the campus. You have to run a veritable gauntlet of TFV's to get in or out of the campus. There are shitloads of on-campus student religious clubs and other organizations, too.

So, since being homosexual is one of two genetic outcomes for humans, let's have clubs for other variations, as well. We'll have campus clubs for

-Melanin content of the skin
-Hair color
-Height
-Natural breasts
-Augmented breasts

The list goes on and on.

Stupid Texans. Ooops. Being redundant. Sorry!

kissawookiee April 11, 2011 at 6:20 pm

Pansexuals. Because banging pots and pans isn't just for New Year's Eve any more.

Chet Kincaid April 11, 2011 at 7:46 pm

That lady in the photo must be a "Pansexual" because she is certainly playing the hell out of that Pan flute there.

WinterOuthouse April 11, 2011 at 8:49 pm

Maybe, someday, there will be a place where straight men and women can go and get help with birth control, like condoms or the 'pill'. If only. . .

tessiee April 11, 2011 at 9:57 pm

They should just give us hairnets with our diplomas.

tessiee April 11, 2011 at 10:14 pm

"According to its author, state Rep. Wayne Christian,"

Most awesome name evah! I don't think I could have made up one this good if I lived to be ninety-nine and a half.

"universities “teach alternative sexual behavior,” "

Like in that Monty Python movie, only with cocksucking?

ShaveTheWhales April 12, 2011 at 5:12 am

I'm thinking it has to be Wayne Lee Christian.

marinmaven April 11, 2011 at 10:43 pm

Of course, there will be fellowships offered at the David Vitter School of Alternative Sexual Behavior.

FoundingFondler April 11, 2011 at 11:04 pm

Actually, these "centers" are where future cougars go to drink mimosas by the gallon and try to forget the assholes their married to.

Negropolis April 12, 2011 at 2:19 am

…he just wants to make sure college kids are taught penises can be stuck in vaginas, the way Jesus had sex and created a family.

WIN (the future)!

Dan Brown would definitely agree, though.

And once you meet those people, you can fuck the daylights out of them on the couch in the Traditional Family Values Center’s “game room.”

You mean rape, which has basically become a intramural sport.

ShaveTheWhales April 12, 2011 at 5:13 am

Ah, but not FORCIBLE rape ('cause of the rohypnol).

zhubajie April 12, 2011 at 7:32 am

With the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

zhubajie April 12, 2011 at 7:39 am

So what ARE Texas family values, anyway?

dancesw_cougars April 12, 2011 at 10:14 am

In Texas they're called "Traditional family values functions". Everywhere else they're called "fraternity gang bang parties".

ttommyunger April 12, 2011 at 9:59 pm

Soooo, let me get this straight: there aren't enough bland, trite, stifled, uninteresting and downright boring venues among the classrooms, labs, libraries and auditoriums of the University setting; we need to build one fucking MORE?

ttommyunger April 12, 2011 at 9:52 pm

Exceptions to which rule exactly, normalcy?

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