what's next? a center for terrorists?

Texas Votes To Require Campus ‘Family Values Centers’ (For Non-Gays)

The long, hard struggle.The Texas House overwhelmingly passed a budget last week that included an amendment that would force state universities to create a “traditional family values center” in order to continue receiving state funding if they currently have one of those resource centers for the gays and such. According to its author, state Rep. Wayne Christian, universities “teach alternative sexual behavior,” and he doesn’t want to interfere with their “right” to do that, he just wants to make sure college kids are taught penises can be stuck in vaginas, the way Jesus had sex and created a family. Is this a sign that heterosexuals can finally express their sexuality openly and enjoy some degree of acceptance in society? Or will our young people continue to kill themselves in shame when they figure out they’re straight?

Christian apologized to the “ladies in the gallery” as state Rep. Joaquin Castro, D-San Antonio, asked him to define “pansexual,” which was included in the amendment.

Giggles aside, the amendment passed 110 to 24.

It Gets Better, heterosexuals. There is a now place where you can be accepted for who you are and connect with other people who are interested in having intercourse with the opposite sex. And once you meet those people, you can fuck the daylights out of them on the couch in the Traditional Family Values Center’s “game room.” Good luck with all the babies you make! [Dallas Morning News/Austin-American Statesman]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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147 comments

  1. KeepFnThatChicken

    At least they're learning how to fuck in Texas. We're learning how to worship Jesus in Tennessee. With the Legislature's blessing, I might add.

  2. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    Free at last, free at last! Thank God almighty we are free at last!

    We're straight, we're great, get used to it!

    1. GOPCrusher

      I, for one, am glad that someone is standing up for the rights of the heterosexual community. For too long, we have had to live in shame for our life preferences.

  3. MrsBiggTime

    In some parts of Texas, a "traditional family values center" is a one-stop shop for bouffant hairdos, shotgun shells, confederate flag stickers, and incest.

      1. cheetojeebus

        I once saw a bunch of fat KKK guys on their way to a "march" in Austin trying to get their white windowless panel van(i kid you not) to start in the lot of a Stuckeys somewhere near Sealy Tx . At least 3 ass cracks leaning over the hood peering inside hoping it would turn over. It was like a scene from a modern day Faulkner novel.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      At UT (which you know is the source of all this drama) it also doubles as the Longhorn tailgating section – the only place/time on campus Rick Perry feels comfortable.

      At A&M, you just described the whole campus (except for the closet cases who are just there for the cadet unis).

  4. north_of_moscow

    This being East Texas, he really should encourage more research into family sexuality.

    1. Crank_Tango

      I am not sure if this is true but I heard from a truck driver that the way you know you are at a house in east texas is when you knock on the door, you fall through the porch and kill two dogs.

      that's all I "know" about east texas.

  5. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    A "traditional families center" means they are going to open an on-campus Home Town Buffet.

  6. MistaEko

    Thank goodness. If there's one thing missing from state colleges, it's an environment that promotes heterosexual activity.

    1. MrsBiggTime

      Look, sicko, I don't know what kind of horrible, twisted perversion would involve the use of bacon with our naughty bits, this abomination of god's gifts… but, ah, could I have your phone number?

        1. SorosBot

          I'm just shocked that baconzgood hasn't replied to this yet. Or does it make him too hot?

    1. poncho_pilot

      i think pansexual is when you are sexually attracted to pan pizzas. i may be wrong on that.

  7. anniegetyerfun

    I don't want to have our children taught that "straight is great." Not in my cuntry!

  8. weejee

    asked him to define “pansexual"

    There is a Anolon, Circulon, Farberware, Kitchenaid, Silverstone, Rachael Ray and Bonjour cookware fapping epidemic? Who in the name of Williams Soma knew? Although come to think of it, that might explain the "keep fucking that chicken" meme.

    1. Rotundo_

      Calphalon too? I have to admit a good double boiler is a joy to behold and use, but my naughty tingly bits just don't respond to quality cookware. Oh well.

    2. [redacted]hse

      Any time he tries to get laid they say: "Go fry your ass", that's why he's confused about what sex involves.

  9. littlebigdaddy

    I think this is magnificent. I am sure there will be 52" screens with wall to wall hetero porno, 20 year old women in impossibly tight t-shirts….sorry back in a few.

    1. MarshallBanana

      Don't forget lesbian porno, because it's not gay when women do it, it's just HOT and really they're just doing each other because there are no men readily available to cure their insatiable lust.

      1. Swampgas_Man

        This only applies to the attractive, feminine lesbeens; your vastly hotter "Butchies" need not apply. Let 'em come to MY place instead.

    2. SorosBot

      Doesn't "20 year old women in impossibly tight t-shirts" describe the college experience in general?

      1. GregComlish

        omg, guys please stop reminding me how I squandered my college education working hard and learning and I never got any action whatsoever and now I am in a job where 99% of all that hard-won knowledge is no use whatsoever.

  10. DaSandman

    You crazy crazy mo's. Don't put dicks in your ass. That's like putting pizza up your nose!

  11. meufchelou

    Sure. It's okay to talk about pansexuals but no one wants to discuss the growing number of dutch oven porn sites on the internet.

  12. SorosBot

    Finally, a safe place for all those heterosexual kids who keep getting bullied by those mean gays! Having been a young straight kid, I know the pain when those gays gather around you and scream, "boyfriend, you are such a hetero" or "shut up your a breeder".

    1. BerkeleyBear

      There are a few places in SF where that does happen, but generally only when said breeder wanders into the wrong bar and proceeds to spill a bud light on a drag diva.

  13. baconzgood

    They need to be teaching date rape techniques to drunkin frat boys because trial and error takes too long.

  14. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Finally, a place where I can learn how to smack my S.O. if she gets uppity, and where she can learn to lie back and stop expecting me to do anything during sex other than get myself off. Why has no one thought of this sooner?

  15. OneYieldRegular

    This may be good news for those of us who found the GLBT Center on campus unhelpful in providing advice regarding my gay boyfriend's unplanned pregnancy.

  16. Gopherit

    Actually, Arizona is actively trying to push the public universities to privatize by cutting off as much in the way of state funds as possible. Not enough Jesus there, I guess.

  17. PeaceWithHonor

    Wait, why as good Christians are they encouraging anyone to stick anything in anyone for any reason? What about a pan-celibacy center, where people of all genders can play hearts and discuss why they're so agitated all the time.

    1. [redacted]hse

      Yeah, if you mean so FUCKing agitated all the FUCKing goddam FUCKING TIME, then I know just what you're saying.

  18. Gopherit

    Wait, I thought good xtian "abstinence" made anal sex an absolute necessity. Save those hymens for daddy and Jesus, ladies.

  19. nounverb911

    "‘Family Values Centers’
    Would these centers be Bristol Palin style or Newt Gingrinch?

  20. EatsBabyDingos

    I prefer mantaquilla sex in Mexico over pan sex; the bread crumbs makes my "dingo" itchy. Ay Carumba!

  21. DerrickWildcat

    Genesis 19:34

    34 The next day the older daughter said to the younger, “Last night I slept with my father. Let’s get him to drink wine again tonight, and you go in and sleep with him so we can preserve our family line through our father.”

  22. poncho_pilot

    i think somebody on the TX legislature is a little bitter about being shot down in Montrose.

  23. DashboardBuddha

    What the hell is that woman kissing? I know what it looks like, but that's not what it is, right? Right?

  24. donner_froh

    About one zillion years have passed since I was an undergraduate but I can't imagine things have changed that much regarding the all but constant fucking that went on then.

  25. GodShammgod

    The entire Repubilcan party is made up of those guys in the back of the anatomy class in high school that still giggled when the teacher said "vagina". That is all.

  26. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    This is good. Most kids today need remedial instruction in reverse cowgirl.

  27. slithytoves

    They can stipulate the colleges build these centers all they want – if the Texas budget for education is as bad as ours in New York, these "centers" will consist of a piece of masking tape with the words "Traditional Family Values Center" written on it and slapped on the janitorial closet.

  28. SheriffRoscoe

    Why not just put a Baptist Church on campus and call it a day? They could have neat-o things like spaghetti suppers and taco night fridays for teh yutes. All the co-coler you can drink, and ladies with roommates out of town get in free!

      1. SorosBot

        And the College Republicans are mostly about closeted gay guys hooking up on the down-low.

  29. metamarcisf

    I was encouraged to discover that my own Texas state representative, Bobby Joe Muslim, opposed this bill.

  30. poncho_pilot

    does this mean they do or don't have to let the anti-choicers set up their propaganda booths in the A&M student center?

    because it would be a shame if they had to stop bringing their 6' tall posters of aborted feti with the word "genocide" on them.

  31. Eve8Apples

    Since when did Cheerios start putting crystal sex toys in their cereal boxes? When I was a kid, it was goofy puzzles or key chains or junk jewelry. And why isn't their marketing dept all over that like flies on shit? Who gives a damn if they help lower your cholesterol.

  32. MrsBiggTime

    Anyone else notice that if the Wonkette story or its comments include the words "penis," "Jesus," and "Texas," downfister comes out. Coincidence?

  33. chascates

    Once Texas passes the bill to allow guns on campus this will also further the heterosexual movement.

  34. Lascauxcaveman

    Lol, these days the Frat houses are all filled up with freshly outed's and closet cases. The chubby sorority girls haz a sad because they need to hang out with GDI's to get laid.

  35. randcoolcatdaddy

    Gee, thanks, Wonkette. I always enjoy waking up in the morning to a fresh steaming hot cup of the Spanish Inquisition.

    May I go back to drinking now?

  36. Moonbatting Average

    I attend UT-Austin, and unless I'm crazy, UT already has a "traditional family values center" on campus. It's called the University Christian Church (Disciples of Christ)…or the University Baptist Church…or the University Catholic Center (I could go on).

  37. MrsBiggTime

    Sorry, nothing for you. "Penis" must not be used as an adjective, but may be an interjection. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go interject.

  38. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Seeing that this is Texas I will assume that the Traditional Family Values Center will be closely tied with the university’s agriculture farm animals department.

  39. poncho_pilot

    maybe they can buy some surplus electroshock equipment from Halliburton's Interrogation Equipment Dept.

  40. CapnFatback

    University of Texas, Texas A&M University and other institutions have these centers that “teach alternative sexual behavior” and “alternative sexual practices,” Christian said.

    I personally recommend Felching 101 with Dr. Santorum. ♫ Easy "A"! ♪

    1. CapnFatback

      What makes you think the troll is a "he"? With apologies to the “ladies in the gallery,” I've always assumed that it was a pansexual.

      1. Andrew Drinker

        I make the general ASSumption that when someone is acting like a douchebaggy asshat, they are probably male. Sometimes I'm wrong, but I think I probably have about a 96% accuracy.

  41. Andrew Drinker

    There is a now place where you can be accepted for who you are and connect with other people who are interested in having intercourse with the opposite sex.

    Hooter's is opening a new location?

  42. mercianomad

    The march of stupid just keeps barreling down the avenue of our horrid future. Just why do I have to share a political process with these people again?

  43. __kth__

    The only way a UT or A&M frat rat would be caught dead in a "traditional values center" is if he planned to give a roofie to one of the purity-ball debutantes there.

  44. whiterabid

    When the Young Republicans demand a day to celebrate straight pride, I ask them, what is St. Patrick's Day?

  45. hagajim

    Family values center – in college!?!? I think I'd just put a sign on the broom closet because that's about how much it will get used.

  46. MiniMencken

    On the tape, Wayne (very popular name among serial killers, BTW) states, "Well, currently, the University of Texas, Texas A&M, some other schools have a gender and sexuality center — brick and mortar — that they are using for alternative sexual practices, to encourage them, by allowing them, by teaching them, by giving courses of study, by giving literature…"
    OMG, Sheeple! Them preverts is using brick-and-mortar for "alternative sexual practices!" In traditional America, cornholing and sheep-fucking has always been carried out in a wooden barn. And don't get me started about gays "giving literature." That's just one of their code words for oral sodomy.

  47. Steverino247

    Every college campus in the United States probably has about fifteen youth storefronts for one religious viewpoint or another within stone's throw of the campus. You have to run a veritable gauntlet of TFV's to get in or out of the campus. There are shitloads of on-campus student religious clubs and other organizations, too.

    So, since being homosexual is one of two genetic outcomes for humans, let's have clubs for other variations, as well. We'll have campus clubs for

    -Melanin content of the skin
    -Hair color
    -Height
    -Natural breasts
    -Augmented breasts

    The list goes on and on.

    Stupid Texans. Ooops. Being redundant. Sorry!

  48. WinterOuthouse

    Maybe, someday, there will be a place where straight men and women can go and get help with birth control, like condoms or the 'pill'. If only. . .

  49. tessiee

    "According to its author, state Rep. Wayne Christian,"

    Most awesome name evah! I don't think I could have made up one this good if I lived to be ninety-nine and a half.

    "universities “teach alternative sexual behavior,” "

    Like in that Monty Python movie, only with cocksucking?

  50. Negropolis

    …he just wants to make sure college kids are taught penises can be stuck in vaginas, the way Jesus had sex and created a family.

    WIN (the future)!

    Dan Brown would definitely agree, though.

    And once you meet those people, you can fuck the daylights out of them on the couch in the Traditional Family Values Center’s “game room.”

    You mean rape, which has basically become a intramural sport.

  51. dancesw_cougars

    In Texas they're called "Traditional family values functions". Everywhere else they're called "fraternity gang bang parties".

  52. ttommyunger

    Soooo, let me get this straight: there aren't enough bland, trite, stifled, uninteresting and downright boring venues among the classrooms, labs, libraries and auditoriums of the University setting; we need to build one fucking MORE?

Comments are closed.