just like 'the lion king'

Report: Clumsy Aliens Left Brain Surgery Scars On Obama’s Skull

Ugh, not that fucking James Cameron shit again.One of the greatest questions plaguing birthers about the president’s birth certificate has been, of course, “What did the aliens have to do with it?” But they may have finally uncovered it: The aliens did brain surgery on Obama and filled his head with a device that can only respond to a teleprompter, as that is the most reasonable explanation for some photo of Barry with George Lopez they found. Did the aliens steal the birth certificate? Was there a box on Hawaiian birth certificates back then labelled “aliens did brain surgery on this black baby,” and was it checked on Obama’s? We don’t know. “The question is: When will the media start inquiring into what that huge scar on his head is all about?” asks something called “EscapeTyranny.com.” The answer is right now, and the newspaper is the Daily Mail.

A spokeswoman from the White House said they were not willing to comment on such claims, saying they were ‘ridiculous’.

Haha, that’s what the White House gets for giving their number out to the Daily Mail.

Countless neurosurgeons said it is ‘not their place’ to comment on whether or not distinctive scars on the President’s head are as a result of brain surgery.

How much hush money has Obama given to “countless neurosurgeons”? They must have a union.

Without medical records or an admission from the White House, the public may never know the answer to the question, along with the contents of his birth certificate.

Who wrote those books? Was it Bill Ayers, or was it known alien Xenogrtyiphobin Ayers? (It was Nick Ayers.)

In a related story, Obama is now asking Republicans to make cuts to Social Security. And remember all those campaign promises he made, like the one about Guantanamo, that he mysteriously reneged on? That brain totally was surgeried! [Daily Mail/Escape Tyranny]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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      1. poncho_pilot

        Soros has them in a jar in his basement. Obama can't have them back until the end of his term or he'll never go to heaven.

    1. Swampgas_Man

      Are these the same alien surgeons who removed exactly ½ the ass from all Democratic legislation?

    1. James Michael Curley

      I saw one of those over the week-end. It had two tiny eyes and the owner called it a shitsyou.

  1. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    Lobotomy scars, huh? Seems plausible. I mean, why else would you allow yourself to be photographed with George Lopez?

    (p.s. Am I the only one who read that url as "EscapeTranny.com?)

    1. bureaucrap

      As "Family Guy" said: "the George Lopez Show does nothing but perpetuate the false stereotype that George Lopez is funny."

  2. littlebigdaddy

    Hey, if you had to play hoops with Reggie Love every day, you'd have some scars too. Those Dukies play fucking dirty ball!

  3. anniegetyerfun

    Huh. When I had super short hair, we referred to these lines on my scalp as "cowlicks". But now I know better.

  4. metamarcisf

    And speaking of which, here is today's best headline (Huffington Post):

    "Obama to Put Texas on the Table"

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      Somehow, they fail to consider option 4 (for why the book is sort of staggering to the screen): the fucking thing is terrible.

  5. Steverino247

    OK, so "Zombie Apocalypse" is just code language for "There's a N****r in the White House!"?

    1. Crank_Tango

      well on the gun boards they always do fantasize about zombies, so it only makes sense that the zombies would be near.

    2. LabRodent

      They stop using code language long time ago its plain old Nigger in the White House now.

  6. Gopherit

    A spokeswoman from the White House said they were not willing to comment on such claims, saying they were ‘ridiculous’.

    Yes, that should completely settle things. CONSPIRACY> WIE THE SCARZ OBUMMER??!

    1. SorosBot

      At least they're treating this "story" properly. It doesn't matter how Obama responds,the conspiracy theory nutters will assume the worst, and responding at all gives their claims false legitimacy.

      1. Gopherit

        Just wait. Trump is preparing a rebuttal. He'll tie this turd up with a nice little bow, and, as usual, the 'Baggers will eat it up.

    1. bumfug

      "Some very rare." Those are the ones I want – not those regular Marie Osmond Tiny Tot dolls you see everywhere.

      1. baconzgood

        I got that shit Yo! Some in original packaging!!!! It's getting over nighted to me and this time tomorrow I'll be splashing those porcelain figurines all on my body like I'm Demi Moore on a bed full hundred dollar bills!

    2. Dudleydidwrong

      Only to good homes, though. That means you have to send a picture of yourself and family wearing tinfoil hats, or at least colanders with antennae before they'll release on of those to you.

  7. ablington

    The comments are precious. Many are along the lines of "This seems farfetched but you have to admit it does make sense in the larger End Times picture" or "I bet George Soros paid for his alien brain surgery!! Also he's a retard!"

    Goddamit this country is GREAT.

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    They took out the part of the brain that controls the motor skills for throwing strikes and cleaning up spares.

    Fuck it dude, let's go bowling.

  9. CrankyLttlCamperette

    Yo, Barry, I'm *still* waiting for you to go all Omar Little sometime soon…

  10. RedneckMuslin

    This proves it people. What more do you want?

    Proves birthers are fucking crazy, that is.

  11. freakishlywrong

    Oh, and Obamar? Keep your filthy Gubbmint paws off my Social Securitah. That, or I want my money back. And Medicare as well. I paid in for 37 years so far, and Muslin-indoctination brain surgery don't pay for itself, you hear me?

  12. fartknocker

    The author of this latest revelation must have collaborated with the racist blonde hair lisping kid from Arkansas. Geez louise, who knows what the hell they are the smoking to come up with this crap.

  13. OneYieldRegular

    Why all the surprise? I mean, it's not like you can force a copy of "The Communist Manifesto" in there by osmosis.

  14. widestanceroman

    Another day, another wingnut scandal all stitched up.

    Seriously, it's pretty obvious where his birth certificate is now.

  15. writechic

    I know! I know! His tectonic bones at the occipital-parietal nexus were subjected to radical vag contractions in the birth canal in Kenya.

    1. SmutBoffin

      Enhance. Enhance. Now zoom in there.

      Yep. Just as I thought. Lanthanum-rich soil embedded in the wound. Could only originate from East Africa.

  16. __kth__

    Why would a picture of Obama with George Lopez make a wingnut blogger think of aliens? Oh right, of course.

  17. SmutBoffin

    Finally. The answers to questions nobody was asking.

    Oh, and I went to that site, "escapetranny.com", and it was NOT what I expected.

  18. SorosBot

    It's the Initiative at work; they put a chip in his head that causes pain any time he fights back against Republicans.

  19. Canmon

    At least this is one conspiracy theory that Donald Trump will not take on. If he did, he'd have to reveal what's going on under that thing on the top of his head.

  20. BaldarTFlagass

    It's a chemical scar from his disastrous attempt at a Jheri curl way back when he was running for president.

    1. tessiee

      I can understand having alien brain surgery to get that damn "It's a small world" song OUT of your head.

  21. Serolf_Divad

    Cearly the scars are the resut of the surgical procedure in which Bill Ayers brain was transplanted into Barack Obama's body (though only for the six months it took him to compose Dreams from my Father).

    1. meufchelou

      I think I saw a movie about this once with Rosey Greer starring as Barack Obama and Ray Milland as Bill Ayers head.

  22. Beowoof

    Well the History Channel's campaign of having the stupids believe that aliens are among us has been successful.

  23. Pithaughn

    "The Audacity to Implant" by the same best selling author of "Implants of My Alien Father"
    How, you are asking yourself do these people swallow a line like " we still know almost nothing about the background of the President of the United States."
    You have to remember that these are the same people who believe an all powerful supernatural being will sit idly by as a 3 year old falls down an abandoned well shaft and then say on camera to the whole world "Thank God she did not get killed or seriously injured, our Lord must have great plans for her". Or " they were so blessed to have little Brittany die in their arms, her valiant 3 week struggle to overcome third degree burns to 60% of her body was truly a blessing from our Lord".
    Once you are in a mental state where you are swallowing superstitious pap repeatedly for years and years, the idea that the President of the United States of America was abducted by aliens is perceived as rational.

    1. tessiee

      "Dear Lord, thank you for protecting us from the tornado that you also sent…" — Kenny's parents on "South Park"

  24. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Please. Alien surgery? Everyone knows that aliens do everything through the anus (at least that was their explanation to me when I was drunk on Friday).

    Clearly this is a Mayan Surgery scar. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trepanning#Pre-Colum… Which means that Obama is the key to the coming end of the world.

    You read it here first!

    1. Gopherit

      Funny. I was thinking Trump wore that ridiculous hair piece to cover his trepanation scars.

  25. ttommyunger

    For Rightards to show their brain surgery scars, pants must be removed. Not a pretty sight!

  26. blogslut

    Escape Tyranny needs to spend some time around black people whose hair is turning gray. But then, that would require spending time around black people.

  27. DaSandman

    No anal probe. Thats bullshit. It was the alien's medical laser beams. Oh that and the fact that the president is a Negro, which seems to be the source of all his present difficulties with the insane tea bag crowd

  28. CapnFatback

    To be fair to the Daily Mail, when you don't know how to count, everything appears to be countless.

  29. Ducksworthy

    But this barrage of bizarre attacks has had the desired effect of making Barry try his hardest to please these insane fuks and the congressional reps. It may cost us the New Deal.

  30. Limeylizzie

    This was my favourite comment on that insane site.

    Soovikontsert: tatist ja pissist | Iibisepesast:
    April 11, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    […] Justkui laulusõnad mõnest eurolaulust, kas pole. Seda enam, et nagu näha, siis marsimehikesed ongi päriselt olemas.Ja vähe sellest, nad tegutsevad! Kas teie teadsite juba, et tulnukad on teinud isegi Barack Obamale ajuoperatsiooni? […]
    Log in to Reply

  31. poncho_pilot

    i think the best thing to do would be for Obama to hold a press conference and tell the world that, yes, aliens performed brain surgery on him and that these aliens reside in Fort Knox which is now the alien embassy.

    also, Oswald didn't shoot Kennedy. but he DID assassinate Lincoln.

  32. Lost_Teabaggers

    This is beyond a doubt my favorite teatard conspiracy yet….I was wondering when inbred shitty old camper guy was going to assume his rightly place as the arbiter of Obama's origin. Seriously, 'baggers, if you want we should dispense with the "you're a bunch of crazy racists" smack, here's some friendly advice: STOP BEHAVING LIKE A BUNCH OF CRAZY RACISTS YOU DUMB FUCKING HICKS! that is all.

  33. Barbara_i

    Maybe in Kenya they had to microchip their children in case they got eaten by a lion or something. That way they could know when to stop looking for them.

  34. CalamityJames

    Yes, that is clearly a surgical scar that could only be created by aliens. You can tell because I drive a rusty camper.

  35. tessiee

    "And then I'll ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest… but I'm not an alien!"
    MST3K, the Movie

  36. comrad_darkness

    This is why I never let so massively advanced it seems like magic space aliens perform my surgery — the scarring is a bitch.

  37. ShaveTheWhales

    "Long-distance brain scans"? I surely hope they made up "Dr Yablonski", because if he really exists, his colleagues are going to be amused.

    1. gvvt

      They take the scans at the same time that they read your EZPass on the NY Thruway or Mass Pike… A friend checked – no Dr Yablonski listed there.

      WNN: "Donald Trump had this to say about the issue. “No one is allowed to see his birth certificate. And nobody is allowed to see his medical records. But I have people down in Washington investigating this issue. You can’t believe what they will find.”"

  38. zhubajie

    Better check Congressional Republicans' skulls, too. See if they have brains, if said brain are syphilitic, etc.

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