JESUS ON A DINOSAUR: THAT'S HOW HE RIDES  12:35 pm April 11, 2011

Tennessee GOP Bravely Votes To Teach ‘Creationism’ In Public Schools

by Ken Layne

If you're wondering, this is former Tennessee senator Bill Frist operating on a gorilla, to prove evolution.We’re not sure how this is news in Tennessee, where schoolteacher John Scopes lost the “Scopes Monkey Trial” (in both the state courts and the U.S. Supreme Court) back in 1925-26, but “Tennessee’s Republican-dominated House of Representatives has overwhelmingly passed a bill that would protect teachers who want to challenge the theory of human evolution.” Well, sure, whatever, fine. Does it ultimately matter whether the illiterate children of Tennessee sit through an hour or two of evolutionary biology in high school? When the entire graduating class of 2012 applies for the same three night-shift part-time shelf-stocking jobs at the Wal-Mart, does anyone care if the kids believe dinosaur bones were hidden in the Earth by The Devil to trick wayward wingnuts?

CBS News:

Thursday’s 70-28 passage of HB 368 was hailed by sponsor Rep. Bill Dunn, R-Knoxville, who said the proposal was designed to promote “critical thinking” in science classes.

That’s one way of seeing it. However, the Tennessee Science Teachers Association is on record describing the bill as “unnecessary, anti-scientific, and very likely unconstitutional.” Although the document is worded so as not to promote any particular doctrine, the thrust of the proposed law would elevate creationist theories about human evolution to the same status accorded by most educators to Darwin’s research.

Please click the linky, just so you can see the accompanying news photograph. [CBS News via Wonkette operative "Matt N."]

 

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{ 238 comments }

GuyClinch April 11, 2011 at 12:38 pm

“Tennessee’s Republican-dominated House of Representatives has overwhelmingly passed a bill that would protect teachers who want to challenge the theory of human evolution.”

I think they just proved that human evolution doesn't exist, at least in Tennessee.

Boojum_Reborn April 11, 2011 at 12:39 pm

You bastard!

GuyClinch April 11, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Hey, yours was pithy, at least.

ManchuCandidate April 11, 2011 at 12:43 pm

No it does… Fundie GOPers just happen to be more of the poop throwing variety.

finallyhappy April 11, 2011 at 6:02 pm

I demand they also challenge the theory of gravity!!!!

horsedreamer_1 April 11, 2011 at 9:52 pm

& plate tectonics!

No earthquake monitoring! No tsunami warning system!

Boojum_Reborn April 11, 2011 at 12:38 pm

See, Tennessee legislature proves it: No evolution here!

JustPixelz April 11, 2011 at 12:38 pm

The Tennessee Legislature has finally proven The Theory of Devolution.

nounverb911 April 11, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Quick! What was the name of Jeebus' pet dinosaur?

memzilla April 11, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Judasaurus Rex?

Badonkadonkette April 11, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Trinityceratops?

baconzgood April 11, 2011 at 12:48 pm

WIN!

EatsBabyDingos April 11, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Donald Trump?

Badonkadonkette April 11, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Battle Cat?

ManchuCandidate April 11, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Dino.

SayItWithWookies April 11, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Saurus of Tarsus?

Dashboard_Jesus April 11, 2011 at 11:49 pm

Jeebosaurus?

neiltheblaze April 11, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Fluffy

poncho_pilot April 11, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Velocirapture?

DashboardBuddha April 11, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Nicely done

Hatrabbit April 11, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Walnuts!

arihaya April 11, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Saintpaulodactyl ?

Gopherit April 11, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Pat Robertson.

DashboardBuddha April 11, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Pentacostasaur

finallyhappy April 11, 2011 at 6:03 pm

Do you ever enter the Style Invitational?

DashboardBuddha April 11, 2011 at 6:13 pm

Never heard of it…but I looked at the website…pretty cool.

LabRodent April 11, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Oral Roberts

Monsieur_Grumpe April 11, 2011 at 1:23 pm

I don't know.
But I do know that Barney is Satan's dinosaur.

Steverino247 April 11, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Bucephalus?

walterhwhite April 11, 2011 at 2:29 pm

Sarahpaleontology

hollywooddood April 11, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Christine O'Donnell?

GOPCrusher April 11, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Hitler?

MarcelleMarceau April 11, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Deuteronomimus.

LocalGirlMakesGoo April 11, 2011 at 7:08 pm

Snooki!

Dashboard_Jesus April 11, 2011 at 11:55 pm

hey at least they finally proved that I DID ride the dinos… http://www.dailysquib.co.uk/most-popular/1236-sci

Negropolis April 12, 2011 at 2:08 am

Pachycephaleviticusaurus?

ShaveTheWhales April 12, 2011 at 4:06 am

Barrabasaurus.

Negropolis April 12, 2011 at 7:17 am

I hear he's the only dinosaur to kill it's prey via knifecrime. Dude's a regular stabbysaurus, if you know what I mean.

memzilla April 11, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Yargh! The clicky-link pic is most likely the downfisting tea-tard's mother!

Fare la Volpe April 11, 2011 at 12:55 pm

You say that like he didn't congeal in a gutter somewhere.

CZL April 11, 2011 at 2:29 pm

He was created when the sperm of an anti-gay preacher fell from the hand of a rent boy, and mixed in a gutter with the failed back alley abortion of a Republican congressman's daughter. The resulting abomination was lovingly encased in an oil bubble from a Koch Industries plant, and was nourished by the run off from a HFCS plant and some McDonalds scraps tossed out the window of a Hummer, until it was birthed by a lonely shut in in a trailer park, who shot it with an unregistered firearm.

tessiee April 11, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Fancy schmancy. I thought his father just swam over his mother.

hollywooddood April 11, 2011 at 2:30 pm

That picture proves once and for all we evolved from whales.

Badonkadonkette April 11, 2011 at 12:39 pm

The first thing those 70 brave legislators should do is disprove Darwin's silly theory of "survival of the fittest" by playing in traffic.

iburl April 11, 2011 at 12:40 pm

You know what else would promote “critical thinking” in science classes?
Science.

poncho_pilot April 11, 2011 at 12:58 pm

adderall?

Gopherit April 11, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Science is for pussies. Anyone who needs to prove something to themselves doesn't love Jesus enough.

rambone April 11, 2011 at 12:40 pm

If God wanted Southerners to think for themselves, he would have given them brains.

hooray4anything April 11, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Seriously. If they want to keep us Yankee and Coastal elites from thinking they're stupid, they should stop doing stuff that makes them look stupid

tessiee April 11, 2011 at 4:37 pm

"Why do things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me??" — Homer J. Simpson

OneDollarJuana April 11, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Now you know why Southern writers drink so much. It's all teh morans.

Lost_Teabaggers April 11, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Yeah it's more than just passing ironic that the people who are peevish about being considered (far too much evidence to say called) stupid go around doing everything they can to prove they're stupid. The Southern GOP is the stupid equivolency of a gay pride parade: much like gay people get all dolled up in the most flaming, out of the closet stuff they possibly can as a testament to gayness, the Southern GOP continually passes and advocates for the dumbest, most dark-age or pig racist or misogynist laws possible to establish beyond a doubt stupidity bona fides. Woe to anyone with a brain forced to live around, interact with and be governed by these people…intellectual southerners are considered a mutation by the ones with three eyes anyway.

Rotundo_ April 11, 2011 at 8:37 pm

I always felt guilty about painting a whole geographical location as being a collection of hicks and dumbasses, but I just gave in after a few thousand incidents like this one and go with it. I *know* there are intelligent and tolerant people in the south, just as surely as there are utter and spectacular morons and jerks in the other regions of this country. But usually the dumbasses are busy getting drunk and breaking bottles over one another's heads rather than passing social policy this fucking stupid.

Barbara_i April 11, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Cool picture! I was wondering how they got that fat ass, Bristol Palin out of her costume during Dancing With the Stars.

tessiee April 11, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Um, they bought her a beer?

baconzgood April 11, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Now open your geography books to the chapter "tide goes in tide goes out".

http://scienceblogs.com/evolvingthoughts/OTcosmos

nounverb911 April 11, 2011 at 12:43 pm

In this care I prefer "Tsunami comes in, tsunami goes out".

DaRooster April 11, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Next week we will study-
"The Moon, Who Put It There?"

Tengu April 11, 2011 at 12:42 pm

I assume they'll also be offering the 'critical thought' that the sun is carried across the sky on the back of a giant scarab.

nounverb911 April 11, 2011 at 12:44 pm

"Scarab Shrugged"?

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 11, 2011 at 12:56 pm

I thought that was widely accepted. Hell, it is on paintings from the pyramids that pre-date the Bible!

ShaveTheWhales April 12, 2011 at 4:09 am

Oh you elitist. Translating for the Tennessee Legislature: Scarab == dung beetle.

OkieDokieDog April 11, 2011 at 12:42 pm

This can all be evened out if the kiddies start dissecting frogs in Sunday school (instead of setting puppies, kittens, or Muslins on fire to see if their prayers will heal them).

el_donaldo April 11, 2011 at 12:42 pm

I think we just declare Tennesseans to be some sort of nonhuman primate – that way they can pretend they didn't evolve the way we did, and we can pretend that they're not in any way related to us.

ManchuCandidate April 11, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Haha… Tennessee GOPers, "critical" "thinking."

It's funny because most if not all the scientific advancements that benefited people in the 20th/21st century come from the very sciences that fundies deny.

Evolution -> Mendel -> DNA -> Genetic Engineering
Big Bang -> Solid State Physics -> Transistor -> Computers -> Internet
Geology -> Plate Tectonics
Chemistry -> Hydrocarbons -> plastics
Big Bang (again) -> Relativity -> Radiation dating

Seriously fundies, if you hate the science then stop using the fruits of said science if you don't want to be hypocrites in the eyes of White Muscular Homo-erotic Jeebus.

memzilla April 11, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Primordial Ooze ->Downfisting Troll. Oh wait… that's devolution. My bad.

Ken Layne April 11, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Yer jes trying to trick christians the same way the devil hides "clean coal" in dinosaur butts.

genxr April 11, 2011 at 12:52 pm

'scuse me, I have to go sequester some carbon emissions.

Terry April 11, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Except condoms. They should keep using those.

tessiee April 11, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Well, "creation math" doesn't seem to work very well as a form of birf control.

arihaya April 11, 2011 at 1:03 pm

that's way I respect the Amish,, at least they are consistent,,, unlike the wing-nuts

CookiE_MonstA April 11, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Question Orthodoxy -> Critical Thinking -> Smart
Refusing to Accept -> after all the evidence is in -> because you just don't want to believe it -> Orthodoxy -> Not Smart

NorthStarSpanx April 11, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Evolution; Mendel; DNA; Genetic Engineering —- Make federally funded fruit fly studies a joke in campaign stops across "R'il America" even though your "latest baby" will probably need gene therapy? – check

Big Bang; Solid State Physics; Transistor; Computers; Internet ——- Expose JournoList and Climate Scientist emails that somehow vindicates conservative arguments against liberal agenda. Oh and, throw a college kid in jail for guessing a stupid Governor's Yahoo account conducting state business – check

Geology; Plate Tectonics —– Under Fiscal Conservative banners, argue against volcano, earthquake and tsunami warning centers. – check

Chemistry; Hydrocarbons; plastics ————- All the mega-church women won't be able to improve their body content with artificial butts and boobs.

Big Bang (again); Relativity; Radiation dating ——- why would Southern Men want to date Fukishima women?

BTWBFDIMHO April 11, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Also
God -> Tennessee -> Al Gore -> Internet -> Facebook -> Revolution -> Muslim Brotherhood -> God -> GOTO EOF.

Dashboard_Jesus April 12, 2011 at 12:03 am

hey hey hey, who said I was WHITE?

baconzgood April 11, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Troll Repair!

JustPixelz April 11, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Up next, Tennessee to require teaching prayer cures in medical schools. Also Bible physics, which explains motion as "god's will" thereby allowing "god made my car swerve" defense in court.

poncho_pilot April 11, 2011 at 1:02 pm

it's not the size of Noah's Ark, it's the motion of god's will.

SexySmurf April 11, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Inherit the windbags.

Sophist [غني عن ذلك] April 11, 2011 at 12:58 pm

It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man Tennessee public school educated child to enter into the kingdom of heaven an accredited university.

BZ1 April 11, 2011 at 12:44 pm

What next on the curriculum, alchemy, witchcraft and other hokum…

bflrtsplk April 11, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Finally. A job for Xtine O'Delaware.

CHUDster_Arthur April 11, 2011 at 12:44 pm

And so the door is finally open for Zoroastrian mystcism.

NorthStarSpanx April 11, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Aqua Buddhism? Ron Paul just may make it mainstream popular.

finallyhappy April 11, 2011 at 6:06 pm

Excuse me, Zoroastrianism is much truer and a lot cooler than Tennessee Baptist beliefs.

owhatever April 11, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Any student who passes the class get a free two-week summer camp in the Heaven. It pays to be ignorant.

AJW@[redacted] April 11, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Jesus Camp, hooray!

weejee April 11, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Well my critical thinking on this is there is no argument in science between creationism and evolution. None.

Perhaps if any of the 70 monkeys who voted for this bill get really sick the admitting at the hospital should ask if they believe in general concepts of Darwin's theory of evolution. If they say 'no', then the admit person should suggest that they go home and pray.

PeaceWithHonor April 11, 2011 at 12:45 pm

The kinfolk said: "Jed move away from there."

Schmannnity April 11, 2011 at 12:46 pm

See. If Al Gore had gone to a fine Tennessee public school instead of St. Alban's, there wouldn't even be any global warming.

Serolf_Divad April 11, 2011 at 12:46 pm

That whole "science" mumbo jumbo was getting old, aynway.

phlox✔ April 11, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Well, gravity is only theoretical too, so this makes sense.
Wake me when they're challenging heliocentrism.

FlownOver April 11, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Wake up! It's been Reagan-centrism for years!

Steverino247 April 11, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Well, don't even go to bed: http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/blog.php?b=4802

SorosBot April 11, 2011 at 12:47 pm

The bill also will protect alleged physics teachers who want to present alternatives to Faradayism on the question of how fucking magnets work.

ShaveTheWhales April 12, 2011 at 4:11 am

Mucking fagnets.

DashboardBuddha April 11, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Clicked on the link: A picture is worth a thousand pounds?

SmutBoffin April 11, 2011 at 12:49 pm

This really opens the way for me to get my alternative theory of electromagnetism out there: "Electricity is G-d's angry gaze, magnetism is his 'bad touch'".

MissTaken April 11, 2011 at 1:14 pm

"Show me on the lightning rod where the bad deity touched you"

weejee April 11, 2011 at 1:18 pm

And they were put together by Maxwell's Thor's Silver Hammer.

Steverino247 April 11, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Show me on the Operation Game board where you got buzzed.

genxr April 11, 2011 at 12:50 pm

LouSarahSaurus?

BaldarTFlagass April 11, 2011 at 12:50 pm

It's hard to comprehend evolution when you're three generations out of the trees yourself.

tessiee April 11, 2011 at 4:42 pm

"I'll bet they had to throw him on his back to get shoes on him" — Dorothy Parker

mavenmaven April 11, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Its turtles all the way down. Any other questions?

ArmoredBore April 11, 2011 at 1:22 pm

How does babby form?

freakishlywrong April 11, 2011 at 12:51 pm

They've only been in, (unchecked), power for four months. By the time they're through punishing us for electing the black guy we'll be hiding in the woods. WOLVERINE!!11 Except it'll be us.

GOPCrusher April 11, 2011 at 3:19 pm

Lot of pent up frustration has been building for the last 30 years, didn't realize that the election of President Obama would be the match that lit the fuse.
It's only a matter of weeks before they proclaim Xtianity the official religion of America and do away with any form of public education and the Wingnut Utopia will begin.

SudsMcKenzie April 11, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Well, they probably buy their text books from TX, so their all set.

JohnyEdge April 11, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Down here in theh Lone Star State, our old text books already say evolution is just a theory. Our new ones feature pictures of Jesus (he looks just like Rick Perry) on his pet dinasaur "Tom Delay".

So we Tennessee can just buy our used text books.

Bonzos_Bed_Time April 11, 2011 at 12:53 pm

As long as they have a lesson on how the Great Turtle vomited up the universe, I'm OK with it.

pinkocommi April 11, 2011 at 12:54 pm

The irony is, a group of monkeys would do better planning a science curriculum than those folks in Tennessee.

LocalGirlMakesGoo April 11, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Coco for Teacher of the Year!

PsycWench April 11, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Seriously, when I look around me, not far from the Tennessee border, I have to wonder how these people came about. They don't seem evolved and who the hell would create them?

anniegetyerfun April 11, 2011 at 1:10 pm

I actually think that the Nation of Islam had a theory about this, and it involved an evil scientist named Yacub.

Redhead April 11, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Well they certainly haven't evolved – have you seen how isolated those mountain towns are? And they probably are the result of a nuclear reactor incident, from a plant someone put out there thinking it was at least away from civilization, combined with the genetic defects and retardation that come from years of inbreeding.

simplyblue7 April 11, 2011 at 12:56 pm

They should also include the ability for teachers to challenge other theories like…Where do babies come from? you know…that requires some kind of critical thinking.

teebob2000 April 11, 2011 at 12:57 pm

durr…

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 11, 2011 at 12:57 pm

If God had truly created everything, wouldn't he have created scientist who knew that you can't let evidence and facts get in the way of His glory?

Try to figure your way out of that piece of critical thinking.

ManchuCandidate April 11, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Yeah, damn that fucking Intelligent Designer.

pinkocommi April 11, 2011 at 1:14 pm

So, basically, you are saying God meant the people of Tennessee to be idiots. Is that the only way God can get people to worship him these days?

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 11, 2011 at 2:23 pm

You have a better explanation for Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, or anyone else that is showing interest in the Republican nomination?

Steverino247 April 11, 2011 at 2:10 pm

The standard response is likely going to involve the Devil tempting us, so that explanation is already out there. I've lived among the Ignorant long enough to have heard that umpteen times…

GOPCrusher April 11, 2011 at 3:23 pm

Scientists are the Devil's way to get you to question God's existence.

neiltheblaze April 11, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Well, it's not as if any of those barefoot yeehaws were going to get into MIT anyway.

GOPCrusher April 11, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Mechanical Institute of Tennessee?

Pithaughn April 11, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Ok already. Now can we please get started on balkanizing this continent? I am very tired being part of the same country as these superstitious fools.

tessiee April 11, 2011 at 4:44 pm

I'm guessing from context that "balkanizing" means "kill all the rednecks"?

Pithaughn April 11, 2011 at 5:10 pm

No no! Who would persecute the poor blacks and thus inspire whatever the next great music genre? Just like Christians need persecution, so do the black youth for the music!

Rotundo_ April 11, 2011 at 8:47 pm

Bubbastan, Shitkickerstan, Ignorantstan, Texas, Dumbasstan, Jebusstan……

Poindexter718 April 11, 2011 at 12:59 pm

What's next for these critical thinking mountaineers, a new theory of consanguinity?
Wait.
Nevermind.

Beowoof April 11, 2011 at 1:14 pm

I believe that there are no cousins only brothers, sisters, husbands and wives.

Fare la Volpe April 11, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Well, I for one am glad that Tennessee children will finally be educated in the myriad of theories surrounding the origin of life, such as theory that Odin and his Aesir brothers chopped up the rotting corpse of the frost giant Ymir and flung the pieces about to create the landmasses of the cosmos. Or the one where Amun-Ra turned his hand into a vagina and jerked off into his own mouth so he could spit out the first man and woman.

They're gonna be teaching those, right?

DownFist Troll April 11, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Wow, that Odin one is pretty fucking cool. I vote for that one.

Fare la Volpe April 11, 2011 at 1:05 pm

See? Now you're doing "critical thinking."

anniegetyerfun April 11, 2011 at 1:09 pm

"Rotting Corpse of the Frost Giant Ymir" is the name of my new band. Do you think I'll get booked in Tennessee?

weejee April 11, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Iffin' you can play Rocky Top.

Beowoof April 11, 2011 at 1:15 pm

I don't think you have to teach them anything about jerking off, they are pretty good at it right now.

PuckStopsHere April 11, 2011 at 1:17 pm

The latter one. Yeah, that second one. Is that called "spunk theory"?

imissopus April 11, 2011 at 2:32 pm

If that first one is the plot of Thor I'll definitely go see it.

SorosBot April 11, 2011 at 3:05 pm

What about the theory that the Earth is actually a giant computer, created about ten million years ago by aliens (who appear to us as mice), in order to discover the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything?

tessiee April 11, 2011 at 4:46 pm

"If you believe in "Ink", then that implies the existence of an "Artist", which raises the issue of "Who drew the Artist?"" — Ed Subitzsky

ShaveTheWhales April 12, 2011 at 4:12 am

How many roads must a man walk down?

tessiee April 11, 2011 at 4:45 pm

I can't wait to see when their "inclusive" course curriculum begins teaching Islam and Rastafarianism.

DashboardBuddha April 11, 2011 at 1:02 pm

When I was teaching, one of my colleagues, when pressed to teach creationism, also demanded the right to teach how Vishnu dreamed the world, Buddhism's expanding universe, Ahura Mazda, etc. It's only fair, right?

NorthStarSpanx April 11, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Sounds like critical thinking to me.

Fare la Volpe April 11, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Kids gotta hear all sides.

Buzz Feedback April 11, 2011 at 1:03 pm

As long as you can sing "Rocky Top" by the 12th grade you can graduate in TN.

Fare la Volpe April 11, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Ugh, you joke but it's completely true. Trust me on this.

KeepFnThatChicken April 11, 2011 at 1:36 pm

No, he's not joking. As a native, I can attest that Buzz is not far from correct.

PsycWench April 11, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Talk bad about Rocky Top if you want, but you cannot deny that it lends itself to parodies. A Chapel Hill local was well-known for "Rasta Top".

Boojum_Reborn April 11, 2011 at 2:50 pm

The grades go to 12?

SorosBot April 11, 2011 at 3:00 pm

I am unfamiliar with this song; is it just a local thing?

natl_indecency_cmdr April 12, 2011 at 1:30 am
GOPCrusher April 11, 2011 at 3:54 pm

You also have to be able to say "Fuck Florida" after consuming a snootful of Granny's corn squeezins.

Frost/Nixon/Robocop April 11, 2011 at 1:04 pm

I don't want to go to heaven if these are the people in charge.

BeWoot April 11, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Don't worry. You're fired.

NorthStarSpanx April 11, 2011 at 1:19 pm

I'm sure in their book you aren't going anyway. As are anyone on this board except the trolls.

LocalGirlMakesGoo April 11, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Hey, whore diamonds ain't gonna mine themselves!

SorosBot April 11, 2011 at 2:53 pm

And those vaginas aren't gonna vagazzile themselves.

Barbara_i April 11, 2011 at 5:42 pm

If they could vagazzile themselves there wouldn't be such a long line at the Farmers Market to get someone else to do it for us, eh?

LocalGirlMakesGoo April 11, 2011 at 7:06 pm

Between elbowing middle-aged women to have first dibs at the good beets and waiting for hours to get my snizz snazzled, it's a wonder I ever make it out of there at all.

Barbara_i April 11, 2011 at 7:41 pm

I am giving you a highly coveted gold star for "snizz snazzled" That is too funny.

memzilla April 12, 2011 at 1:14 am

I wish I were smart enough to write a script which would infinitely upfist "snizz snazzled." I nominate "snizz snazzled" for Best Internet Meme of 2011.

anniegetyerfun April 11, 2011 at 1:08 pm

It depends – does Walmart carry that Darwin movie with that really pale British guy in it? No? OK, then the workers won't have to worry about what movie section to stock it under.

sportshort April 11, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Jeebus loves me, holy ghost
He rode dinos to the coast
We learned that in school I know
for the teacher told me so

Yes Jeebus loves me
Yes Jeebus loves me
Yes Jeebus loves me
But now I have to go to work so we don't starve at home.

Badonkadonkette April 11, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Rhesus wept.

PuckStopsHere April 11, 2011 at 1:12 pm

"First there were the dinosaurs but they got old and fat and turned into oil…" (Tell me everything that's happened so far.)

Beowoof April 11, 2011 at 1:12 pm

I see a major debate coming between those who watch Pat Robertson and those who watch Larry the Cable guy on the History channel. The intellect will be buring up TV's across America.

MissTaken April 11, 2011 at 1:12 pm

My boyfriend Georgio Tsoukalos has certainly convinced me!

Allmighty_Manos April 11, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Laugh it up fuzzballs but before mocking Tennessee check out this month's bestselling nonfiction book. Heaven is for Real "the true story of the four-year old son of a small town Nebraska pastor who during emergency surgery slips from consciousness and enters heaven." He also meets Jesus and God. True story.

pinkocommi April 11, 2011 at 1:16 pm

There is a very simple two word explanation that explains everything: "oxygen deprivation."

Jerri April 11, 2011 at 1:30 pm

I love that it is "100% true" and the 4-year-old's pastor father certainly couldn't have helped the kid along in his story at all. Nope. 100% true and real. And I like that the kid reports that there is a coming battle, because of course. Wouldn't be a Heaven Memoir without mention of some coming violence.

And it's a #1 bestseller.

Slow-clap for America. Well done, everybody. Well. Done.

KeepFnThatChicken April 11, 2011 at 1:41 pm

As an atheist, I pray daily for that child to rat out his horrible daddy, for coercing him into this nest of lies, and that some day his mental rape will come to an end.

Notice, however, I said "atheist" and "pray", which spoils the whole goddamn thing.

tessiee April 11, 2011 at 4:49 pm

"some day his mental rape will come to an end."

I only hope it's limited to mental rape.

KeepFnThatChicken April 11, 2011 at 7:56 pm

His daddy is a pastor, after all.

I thought 17 years ago, when The Celestine Prophecies were out, that we'd be past all this mystical bullshit and spiritual circle-jerking by now.

tessiee April 11, 2011 at 4:48 pm

"slips from consciousness and enters heaven." He also meets Jesus and God."

Ever hear of something called a dream?

ShaveTheWhales April 12, 2011 at 4:15 am

What I wanna know is, why were they feeding this kid mushrooms during emergency surgery? HuuuH?

arihaya April 11, 2011 at 1:15 pm

Lucky them Tennessee has no coast,,, so no tsunami there

NorthStarSpanx April 11, 2011 at 1:18 pm

As an illiterate night-shift part-time shelf-stocking employee of the month at the Wal-Mart, I take offense to this slur.

DaRooster April 11, 2011 at 1:18 pm

So Tennessee doesn't realize that they only real "research" on this was done before color photography?

Hello? Tards? Are you there?

Weenus299 April 11, 2011 at 1:18 pm

This is great news! This means I can now teach a subject called "Whatever I Want" to our beautiful childrens, if I want to. FREEDOM!

Beowoof April 11, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Paging Mr. Darrow, the Dumb asses are asserting themselves again in evil ways in Tenessee. Maybe David Boise can take over for him for this round of the fight of reason over superstition.

__kth__ April 11, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Five bucks says they do not in fact "teach the controversy" at the private schools where fatcat scions like Bill Frist go to school K-12.

hooray4anything April 11, 2011 at 1:19 pm

You laugh, but someday somebody's going to try and get it taught in schools

Groupshrug April 11, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Wonderful that children can be thought that known scientific information can be rebutted with opinion.

At the end of the Creationist "textbook", all the children are asked to clap and keep saying "I'd don't believe in evolution, I don't believe in evolution" and if they say it loud enough and really mean it then… Creationism becomes real!!!

PsycWench April 11, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Hey, people have been doing it for global warming for years and it was chilly last week so there you go.

Gopherit April 11, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Hell, we do that on the news every day. Turn to MSNBC……Here we have Professor X from Cal Tech to discuss the perils of the nuclear disaster in Japan……and to counterpoint, corporate shill and convicted felon from the Heartland institute. Have to have both sides, you know.

Gopherit April 11, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Great. almost 100 years later and we have to fight this fucking fight AGAIN in Tennessee. I am picturing Glenn Beck at William Jennings Bryant…….but I don't think we have a Clarence Darrow anymore. Fuck.

KeepFnThatChicken April 11, 2011 at 1:43 pm

What's worse? Today, we have WAY more scientific evidence. Just no one who can interpret it, without making the Holy Ghost mad or something.

Gopherit April 11, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Maybe we can send Neil DeGrasse Tyson.

Redhead April 11, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Did fatty wingnuts evolve to become fatties after decades of eating anus burgers and riding on Hoverrounds? Or did God, in his intelligence, design them to be fatties to give us all something to laugh at?

nonbeliever7 April 11, 2011 at 1:24 pm

God has some spare time on his hands. This whole creationism thing is just his version of confusing cats with a laser pointer. Even though I think the laser would work just as well with Republicans.

widestanceroman April 11, 2011 at 1:24 pm

I got no problem with this, as long as actual science is required in all Sunday schools.

Troubledog April 11, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Agreed — who fucking cares. This whole "evolution in schools" thing is a red herring for retarded liberals, just like the abortion thing is for the cons.

COULD YOU LIVE A WORLD WHERE THIS COULD HAPPEN?
"Wow, mom, I was at school today and Mrs Johnson explained in biology that some people believe the earth was created in six days by a supreme being, about five thousand years ago. We all had a good chuckle. Daniel the religious kid even laughed a little bit. So we've all decided that must be true. We are making a float for Homecoming."

I think most people would say yeah, that's not a problem.

It would be hugely meaningful to these asstards, much more so than stuff like money and budgets and deficits. I say give it to em. Also maybe cave and let them… say… put the ten commandments wherever they want. What a joke. Why would you even care? Sure, put up a big bronze Jesus or whatever. Across the street is a big bronze horsecock spraying water in the air, people say that's okay.

JoshuaNorton April 11, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Geez. I never would have sweated studying for biology exams if I could have answered "God did it" to every question. My GPA would have been through the roof.

Of course, the only thing I'd be qualified for was a job that included the phrase "D'ya want lids on these?". Just like they're going to be.

cheetojeebus April 11, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Fuck em.
life's too short.

KeepFnThatChicken April 11, 2011 at 1:38 pm

In Tennessee, if it ain't muzzle velocity or meth lab flash points, it ain't science.

Limeylizzie April 11, 2011 at 1:38 pm

What fucking country am I living in?
But some good news today that will have the Teatard all upset
http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/appeals-co

metamarcisf April 11, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Lane Kiffin bailed just in time.

OneYieldRegular April 11, 2011 at 1:51 pm

I'm utterly bedazzled by this comment.

Gnatsum April 11, 2011 at 1:54 pm

The government should not be involved in peoples' lives. Except they must control what children learn in school. But that's the only time! And also maybe when women may and may not choose what to do with their own bodies, but those are the only times the government should be involved. Really. Final. Except that the government must ensure that every person in the United States practices Chrstianity. BUT THAT IS ALL! For real. Really. Except …

hagajim April 11, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Just proves that retards beget retards…poor Tennessee kids.

randcoolcatdaddy April 11, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Gee, thanks, Wonkette. I always enjoy waking up in the morning to a fresh steaming hot cup of the 1920s. I think I've got a migraine.

OneDollarJuana April 11, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Far as I can tell, Octomom has birthed everyone.

donner_froh April 11, 2011 at 2:17 pm

At least with the bible you don't have to learn anything difficult, like numbers and stuff.

Gopherit April 11, 2011 at 3:04 pm

Can he do a couple abortions before he gets there?

Beetagger April 11, 2011 at 3:18 pm

"When the entire graduating class of 2012 applies for the same three night-shift part-time shelf-stocking jobs at the Wal-Mart, does anyone care if the kids believe dinosaur bones were hidden in the Earth by The Devil to trick wayward wingnuts?"

Ken, you have a way with words. I demand a mind-meld.

BarackMyWorld April 11, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Oh MY!

Firefly_fan April 11, 2011 at 3:41 pm

As a born & raised Tennessean and a librarian in a public Tennessee university, I don't think I've ever been so depressed or mortified as I am today. This is even worse than the road kill bill a few years ago. Sigh… Just know that we're not all like that here. There are a few of us heathens that believe in science…and reality…

DashboardBuddha April 11, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Well…as long as we're making silly demands, I demand that the Spaghetti Monster be included in the mix.

GOPCrusher April 11, 2011 at 4:01 pm

I demand equal time for Spongebob Squarepants, because he is my Lord and Savior.

BarackMyWorld April 11, 2011 at 4:12 pm

If they're really dead-set on teaching creationism/intelligent design, and given the complete lack of any scientific facts to back up their theory, I'd really like to see what is on the test.

Sample test over Intelligent Design

1) According to Intelligent Design, the world was designed by an intelligence.
(a) True.
(b) False.

2) According to Intelligent Design, the world was not designed by an intelligence.
(a) True.
(b) False.

Fill in the blank with the correct word or term.

3) The theory that the universe was designed by an intelligence is known as the theory of __________ design.

4) The theory that the universe was designed by an intelligence is known as the theory of intelligent ________.

5) The theory that the ___________ was designed by an intelligence is known as the theory of intelligent design.

tessiee April 11, 2011 at 4:34 pm

"the sequin mines"

'Who knew Diana Ross was still touring?

tessiee April 11, 2011 at 4:51 pm

But, what of the Alfredo sauce?

tessiee April 11, 2011 at 4:53 pm

"the proposal was designed to promote “critical thinking” in science classes"

And by "critical thinking", he meant "blind belief in the sort of cant that critical thinking is meant to debunk".

tessiee April 11, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Southern states are run by bible nuts, so they don't have lotteries, so the schools are poor, so Southern kids grow up stupid, so Southern states are run by bible nuts, so they don't have lotteries…

KeepFnThatChicken April 11, 2011 at 5:45 pm

I can help your circle. It looks functional, but it goes the wrong way.

Everything is here because of Jesus, and Jesus is here because of everything.

tessiee April 11, 2011 at 7:03 pm

I was thinking it was a Mobius strip of ignert, but circles are OK, too.

Pragmatist2 April 11, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Kids in Tennessee public school are already so stupid that one more dumb belief won't hurt them any. Their only AP level course is Drivers' Ed.

KeepFnThatChicken April 11, 2011 at 5:44 pm

Tut tut tut. My kid took that scholarship money donated by all those lottery-playin' poors, and is about to finish up her freshman year with a 3.5, including calculus.

Besides, if you saw how we drive, you'd know there's no AP course. Only in Jesus.

smitallica April 11, 2011 at 6:01 pm

"Thursday’s 70-28 passage of HB 368 was hailed by sponsor Rep. Bill Dunn, R-Knoxville, who said the proposal was designed to promote “critical thinking” in science classes, completely oblivious to the irony that those who believe this creationist claptrap do so because they are perfectly incapable of critical thinking of any kind and prefer to swallow their great-great-grandpappy's superstitious mythology without even chewing it first."

Fixed.

tessiee April 11, 2011 at 7:03 pm

In related news, fire suspected to be hot.

fuflans April 11, 2011 at 10:23 pm

to be fair, science is hard.

Schmegeg April 11, 2011 at 11:01 pm

I hope they get Harry Morgan to be the Judge in this one too!

marinmaven April 11, 2011 at 11:43 pm

"This is a great set of resources to prepare to for the School year. Complete with Dr. Hovind's award-winning seminar video number 4 (Lies in the Textbooks), this package will teach you how to defend your faith, and do so effectively. Also included "Are you being Brainwashed?" – a book designed to help students quickly and effectively defend Science from the attacks of evolutionism in their public school classrooms. The Gap Theory is also included, which will debunk the compromising idea of a gap between Genesis 1:1 and Genesis 1:2 allowing for millions of years to be inserted. And finally, Claws Jaws and Dinosaurs will be included in this limited-time offer. This insightful book covers many interesting stories of cryptozoology and other fascinating stories!" – "Back to School Preparation Package" available from the "Creation Science Evangelism" website.

emmelemm April 12, 2011 at 12:42 am

It's nothing short of terrifying.

Check out the Creationist Science Fair

Winning Elementary Project:

My Uncle Is A Man Named Steve (Not A Monkey)

"Cassidy Turnbull (grade 5) presented her uncle, Steve. She also showed photographs of monkeys and invited fairgoers to note the differences between her uncle and the monkeys. She tried to feed her uncle bananas, but he declined to eat them. Cassidy has conclusively shown that her uncle is no monkey."

ShaveTheWhales April 12, 2011 at 4:38 am

Weirdly enough, Cassidy is (probably) correct. Her uncle Steve is (probably) not a monkey.

I'm fairly certain that none of my uncles were monkeys, although I have to admit I never subjected the matter to rigorous investigation.

What sucks is that the morans who sponsor this shit are convinced that USMerka is on top because of Jeebus, whereas it's really because of historically incredible natural resources, a heavy dose of the Protestant work ethic (except in the South), and, yes, wide-open science and engineering.

Thinking is hard. Religion is a much easier substitute.

emmelemm April 12, 2011 at 1:03 pm

"Thinking is hard. Religion is a much easier substitute."

Yes. That.

Also, what I enjoy from the above quote is, if her uncle HAD eaten a banana, would that make him a monkey? I've eaten a banana. Just saying.

Also also, on the original topic above, have you ever seen any of Kirk Cameron's "come to Jesus" videos? In one of them, he (and his co-host dude) take a monkey to lunch. At a restaurant. Literally. There's an actual monkey. (Poor thing.) The monkey does not properly use a knife and fork, etc. Therefore, we have nothing in common with monkeys and could not possibly have descended from them.

/idiocracy, here we come

marinmaven April 12, 2011 at 6:27 pm

It is often the same people who see snow and say it disproves global warming who do not understand what is meant by common ancestry. If your world view says the earth is only 6000 years old, it can be hard to grasp how distant that common ancestor could be.
Kirk Cameron taking a monkey to lunch to attack his misunderstanding of evolution is like a politician noticing ice in his scotch and declaring global warming to be a hoax.
Today I took my son to the California Academy of Science since he will grow up to have a real science education unlike my nephew who was called Monkeyboy when he said he believed in evolution in front of his so-called "Science" teacher. My sister had to threaten to get the ACLU on their asses to get them to stop harrassing him. My son will hopefully ignore the superstition, fairy tales, and revisionist history and science in favor of reality based world view.
There is enought awe and wonder in science that rivals all the unicorn crap (yes, unicorns are in the bible).

emmelemm April 12, 2011 at 6:52 pm

Just curious as to where your nephew is growing up…

PS Unicorns are in the Bible? [not up on my Biblical knowledge, raised a Godless heathen]

marinmaven April 12, 2011 at 7:19 pm

The translators of the Authorized King James Version of the Bible (1611) followed the Greek Septuagint (monokeros) and the Latin Vulgate (unicornis)[14] and employed unicorn to translate re'em, providing a recognizable animal that was proverbial for its un-tamable nature. The American Standard Version translates this term "wild ox" in each case.

"God brought them out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of an unicorn."—Numbers 23:22
"God brought him forth out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of an unicorn."—Numbers 24:8

"Modern readers have trouble with the Bible’s unicorns because we forget that a single-horned feature is not uncommon on God’s menu for animal design. (Consider the rhinoceros and narwhal.) The Bible describes unicorns skipping like calves (Psalm 29:6), traveling like bullocks, and bleeding when they die (Isaiah 34:7). The presence of a very strong horn on this powerful, independent-minded creature is intended to make readers think of strength. " – http://www.answersingenesis.org/articles/aid/v2/n

If Christians don't have much in common with monkeys, they certainly have something in common with 12 year old girls with unicorn fetishes.

My nephew went to school in Texas.

memzilla April 12, 2011 at 1:22 am

TY, although I have avoided being committed for several years, despite the urgings (=pleadings) of many friends.

Negropolis April 12, 2011 at 2:06 am

Well, somebody has to properly clothe Dolly Parton, High Queen of Tennessee.

Negropolis April 12, 2011 at 2:15 am

Kentucky, check. Your move.

So, we've got the Alabama governor who said that only Christians matter to him, we've got Tennessee teaching creationcrap in schools, we've got Kentucky legislating that the state call on the Almighty in case of a disaster, the former governor of Georgia praying for rain to kill a drought, and Mississippi, Louisiana and South Carolina being, well, Mississippi, Louisiana and South Carolina. North Carolina, you've missed the cut the last few years with your halfway sane choice of government. Virginia, you just confuse me to be quite honest.

Arkansas, your move.

Lary9 April 12, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Don't you see what a slippery slope you're on? If they manage to actually implement this bill's goals, then others may come along with a third view of creation based upon the suras of the Quran. Would you like that? What if the courts mandated that now we must teach Quran Science, including ideas about a disk-shaped earth, in 6 stages, and 7 separate heavens with angels flying around and man being ceated from a clot of blood? Imagine all those devout Muslims in Tennessee demanding equal time? Maybe we'd all just have to share the time in 5tth. period science or, worse, teach the controversy! You'd blow a gasket then!
Keep stealth religion out of science class!

LocalGirlMakesGoo April 11, 2011 at 11:04 pm

Aww, thanks, Boo!

Dashboard_Jesus April 11, 2011 at 11:47 pm

aw hell, beat me to it…I nominate "snizz snazzled" for the hawt phrase of 2011, hell maybe one o' them rapster doods can put it in a song (do they call rap thingys *songs*?) and LocalGirl can collect royalties for a lifetime from Snoop Snizzy Dog!

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