but john mccain still can't get one accepted

Grammatically Challenged Trump Blasts Collins For Poor ‘Word Usage’

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Yes, he will get beaten up on your wrestling show, sure.Donald Trump apparently heard the New York Times‘ lovely op-ed columnist Gail Collins wrote something about his birther revolution, and the cartoon rich man’s ears steamed with cartoon anger. “This will not stand!” Trump screamed to his assembled professional-reality-teevee-contestant employees. Trump sent the Times a response. “Some people have focused on Trump’s grammar; I am more interested in his lazy grasp of the facts,” writes Mr. Serious Reporter 2011 pageant winner Dave Weigel. Yes, the tired birther facts are not facts, which is not surprising. But Trump’s gall criticizing Collins’ “storytelling ability and word usage” in a letter strife with grammatical errors? Hilarious! We will focus on that part!

Even before Gail Collins was with the New York Times, she has written nasty and derogatory articles about me. Actually, I have great respect for Ms. Collins in that she has survived so long with so little talent. Her storytelling ability and word usage (coming from me, who has written many bestsellers), is not at a very high level. More importantly, her facts are wrong!

Donald Trump is so dedicated to public service he just gave the nation’s fifth-grade teachers a sample paragraph to hand their students to fix as a lesson on basic verb tenses. What a guy! “Her storytelling ability and word usage is not at a very high level.” Is Trump still trying to present himself as a natural-born citizen? It doesn’t seem like English is his first language.

Equally of importance, there are no records in Hawaii that a Barack Hussein Obama was born there-no bills, no doctors names, no nurses names, no registrations, no payments, etc. As far as the two notices placed in newspapers, many things could have happened, but some feel the grandparents put an ad in order to show that he was a citizen of the U.S. with all of the benefits thereto.

This is plagiarism. Trump plagiarized this paragraph from a nine-year-old wingnut spawn’s birther book report.

Weigel is upset that these lies were printed in the Times “without edit,” but c’mon, Trump handed them a hilariously bad letter. The idiocy was self-evident. Why protect media trolls from ruining themselves? [NYT via Weigel]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Hatrabbit

    I bet that's the last time Trump dictates a letter to his shitty hairpiece.

    • Fisty B Spankingit

      Fluffy! Take a memo!

      • nounverb911

        Fluffy? I thought his hair's name was Merkin Muffly.

        • tessiee

          It is; Fluffy is his butt gerbil.

    • V572..whatever

      Not a hairpiece, in the sense of prosthetic hair. That structure on his head is pretty clearly his own hair, died and grown to preposterous length, and then teased/combed/gelled forward into a simulation of…well, you can't tell what.

      There may be a small compressor with air jets under there too; there's no way to tell for sure.

  • WinterOuthouse

    That ain't write

  • memzilla

    Bad hairpiece, bad grammar. But you can't get plugs to fix your grammar, not even on Celebrity Hairprentice.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I'm just interested in sitting down and having a beer with the Trump. And then getting drunk and beating the fuck out of him.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      With an O. E. D.

      • BerkeleyBear

        Unabridged, naturally. One volume at a time, over several days.

  • FraAnima

    "How I Spent My Wingnut Summer Vacation"

    by Ignatz B. Trump
    Home Room 4-1

  • Badonkadonkette

    Can Trump haz ESL?

  • nounverb911

    "Actually, I have great respect for Ms. Collins in that she has survived so long with so little talent."
    Look who's talking, mon.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    I'll question the intelligence of anyone who loses money running a Casino… not once but twice.

    • pbrex

      Thrice even! He fails upward so well that we really should let him be president, it would make a good metaphor or something.

      • tessiee

        "Thrice even!"

        Or perhaps even *fice*.

    • V572..whatever

      In his defense, some or all of those casinos were in a town so desolate they invited Trump in to give it some "class." So really, there was no chance. See, he's a victim!

      • BerkeleyBear

        Gary, Indiana will forever rue the day they let him come to town. Given that it was the site for the Music Man, you'd think they would have seen it coming.

        • tessiee

          They did. That's what the song, "there's trouble, right here in River City" was predicting.

  • WinterOuthouse

    What does that cleft palate, lisping, idiot, black and gay hating, home schooled, little, bastard have to say?

    • nounverb911

      Which one?

      • V572..whatever

        Todd's new baby?

  • baconzgood

    Jeeze, You'd think he's have a better secretary to do his writing for him.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      He probably fired her.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Having witnessed admin abuse first hand, I can only assume that any person who can stand working for this guy for more than 5 minutes either doesn't know any better or has been cowed into doing exactly what he wants the way he wants it.

      If it is the latter, I gaurantee the assistant writes up something like this and laughs about the errors with their friends and family, then acts surpirsed when the shit hits the fan. If it is the former, take pity on them – because they won't see the shit storm coming.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Fraught" would have been my choice…

  • BeWoot

    Bachman/Trump 2012. Bring it!

    Seriously, bet a lot of GOPers would vote Trump over Mittens.

    • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Yes. No Mormoni underpants. No Obamacare stain. Plus Mittens is a ROBOT unlike Trump who is an oversized Oompah Loompah.

      • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

        And a biznizman… which they all seem to get hot and sweaty for…

      • Swampgas_Man

        For the sake of the Oompahs and their kin, we should have clear distinctions; BOEHNER is an Oompah-Loompah, Trump is a Lizard Person.

    • tessiee

      "bet a lot of GOPers would vote Trump over Mittens"

      I'm guessing that a lot more GOPers have *heard* of Trump, which is often all that's needed.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    coming from me, who has written many bestsellers


    • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      John Grisham?

    • GOPCrusher

      Jackie Collins?

      • tessiee

        Stephen King?

  • Crank_Tango

    my grammar is yooge, and the biggest and best in the world.

  • OkieDokieDog

    Trump seems qualified enough to start Teh Donald T rump Chart-eR Skool fur birfers.

  • DaRooster

    "…but some feel the grandparents put an ad in order to show that he was a citizen of the U.S. with all of the benefits thereto."

    I am absolutely sure they thought about how he was going to run for President and so they would need the proof. My God you fucking idiots are idiots… grow the fuck up and play the game, and play correctly… with your own INTELLIGENCE, good luck moron.

  • DeeJayKitteh

    It's a sad, sad, sad state of affairs when Donald Trump can make the ramblings of Ann Coulter look reasonable.

    • DemmeFatale

      I'm sad when he makes Mittens look like the grown-up in the room.

  • Hatrabbit

    The Donald: not the tallest skyscraper being disputed in the bankruptcy court.

  • Steverino247

    Shut the fuck up, Donny!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      In this case, the rug really ties the financial empire together. But he's out of his element here.

  • facehead

    Now every birther will start quoting the NYT to support their position.

  • genxr

    I like Trump because of the interesting word usements he structures.

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    If the NYTimes had any balls, they would add (sic) after each error. This alone would probably double the word count of the letter.

  • nounverb911

    Donald are you happy to see us or is that a "Tribble" on your head?

  • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

    A Treatise on Vulgarity by Donald Trump. That's about the only book he's qualified to write. That and Bankruptcy for Dumb Assholes

    • kissawookiee

      Using a tiny, tiny keyboard.

    • http://intensedebate.com/logout Gleem_McShineys

      Scrambly The Tribble in Adventures on Planet Woodgrain

    • tessiee

      Too bad for him that the title "A Confederacy of Dunces" has already been used.

  • bordo2

    Personally, I am inspired by Donald Trump's rags to riches rise from sexually abused shoeshine boy living in poverty in Spanish Harlem to. . .oh, wait a minute. He was born rich and has used daddy's money and connections all his life?

    Never mind.

    • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Yeah, you'd think that US America learned from the colossal fuck up of 8 years of W.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Now go home and get your fucking shinebox!!

    • Redhead

      "and has lost daddy's money"


    • tessiee

      "He was born rich and has used daddy's money and connections all his life? "

      Yes, but it was his own skillz that enabled him to turn millions into thousands.

  • SorosBot

    Now that Donald's gone full retard Sarah and Michele are gonna have to ramp up the crazy to keep pace.

    • Redhead

      If you tell Palin he's "gone full retard," she'll come after you with a baseball bat. After she adopts Donald.

    • tessiee

      Somehow I feel confident that they're up (down?) to the challenge.

  • freakishlywrong

    Ugh. This Trump character. Like a dog with a bone on a debunked conspiracy theory attacking a journalist for disagreeing with him. Next two years are gonna be fun! Or really fucking awful. I'm going with fucking awful.

  • Hatrabbit

    I want to see his Brain Certificate.

  • CapnFatback

    Her storytelling ability and word usage (coming from me, who has written many bestsellers), is not at a very high level.

    That is sooooooooo meta.

  • Frost/Nixon/Robocop

    It doesn’t seem like English is his first language.

    Really? His grammar is much better than the average birther troll letter to the editor.

    • GOPCrusher

      And it isn't in ALL CAPS.

  • http://www.fifthinternational.org/content/education-programme 4TheTurnstiles

    If we make English the official language of the USA, will the Birthers have to go?

    • LettucePrey

      I personally believe that US Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and I believe that our education, like such as in South Africa and the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, our education over here in the US should help the US, or, or should help South Africa, and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children.

  • SorosBot

    I've read the Slate article, and god these birther myths are even stupidier than I thought. Damn, they claim that the family has conflicting reports on what hospital Barack was born in – because there was one article on him that gave a different hospital than every other. An article in a fucking high school newspaper. So some teenager's minor fuck-up became conspiracy material. Damn these people are really, really stupid.

    • genxr

      This conspiracy runs deep. All the way to home ec. Even study hall can't be trusted.

      • Fare la Volpe

        The truth is out there….between third and fourth period.

  • CapnFatback

    This is plagiarism. Trump plagiarized this paragraph from a nine-year-old wingnut spawn’s birther book report.

    Or his Internet talk show.

  • LesBontemps

    That's "vocabulary Nazi," not "grammar Nazi," but yeah.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Nice one!

      • LesBontemps

        I'm not Hitler, just Hitleresque.

        • anniegetyerfun

          You know who ELSE was Hitleresque?

          • GOPCrusher

            Nurse Diesel?

          • tessiee

            Vin Diesel?

    • V572..whatever

      Stop all this useless pedantry.

  • SilverTsunami

    Which begs the question, "How has Trump surivived so long with so little talent?"

    • Swampgas_Man

      Daddy's money.

      • http://intensedebate.com/logout Gleem_McShineys

        How is daddy monie formed?

  • PsycWench

    He needs to take English AND Social Studies again, but I don't know who would be willing to take him as a pupil.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      Your profile sez you are a teacher by day and a mother by night. Sounds like you're fully qualified to take on this ill-educated spoiled brat.

  • http://wonkette.com ChurchofRealism

    Short-fingered vulgarian also a non-haired grammarian.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Welcome to the real world Donald where most people are not on your payroll.

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    Can someone explain to me how he expects to run for president with such thin skin?

    • Fare la Volpe

      Hasn't stopped Sarah.

      • __kth__

        didn't stop Nixon, or Bush 43 for that matter

  • PsycWench

    Sarah Palin will probably comment that there weren't any grammatical errors and the LSM makes up these grammatical rules anyway.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Your liberalizating grammaticular rules have been refudiated, lame-stream media.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      She will tweet it, as "LSM fail on Trump grammer, elites dont like teh truth. 'Going Rogue' makes a grate gift"

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Got to celebrate shit.

  • Limeylizzie

    My kind of person, automatically assume a stupid bastard has a dick so teeny that you could put it under your pillow and smoke it later.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Gee, who could've foretold that a man who picks a feud with Rosie O'Donnell by asserting that all lesbians are dumpy would have a pre-literate mentality about other things, too?

  • Fare la Volpe

    Hey, Donald, pinch your face one more time. It makes you look super serial.

  • Terry

    So, has the existence of his team of Hawaiian investigators been confirmed yet? I'm still hoping he hired Dog the Bounty Hunter.

    • Fare la Volpe

      And Boba Fett.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    Dey speak betta English dan de Trump, mon.

  • mavenmaven

    I bet the original missive from Trump was all in capital letters.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Is teh Donald's appalling sense of tense an attempt to speak teh Vulgate to teh masses?

  • AJW@[redacted]
    • Dudleydidwrong

      He was having one of his better hair days, I see. Looks like one of those fluffy white seeds that blows around. Come to think of it…

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    "…many bestsellers…

    All his books have co-authors, if not ghost writers. In fact, where's the proof he wrote any of these things? It's not in his letter writing skills, that's for sure.

  • mereoblivion

    Best text we ever had.

  • Gorillionaire

    As we speak, Trump has a team a financiers on their way to England so that he can buy the country and control the English language.

    • tessiee

      Well, that's very nice, I'm sure, but this is the U! S! A! and we speak AMERICAN!!!

  • notreelyhelping

    Seriously, the old dude who runs the secondhand store on the other side of town–the guy with tobacco stains in his beard and the "World's Best Uncle" hat–tells me this is all true! And you can still find some decent vinyl at his place. I'm mean, Swinging Fifties bachelor pad space music and Pat Boone before he went metal. Plus all the "Analog" and "Ellery Queen" magazines you could ever want!

  • themcwow

    What is this "survived so long with so little talent"?

    Paragraph proofreading is also a fourth-grade activity.

  • LesPaultard

    Please don't underestimate the near near total stupidity of the birther crowd.

    • GOPCrusher

      To be honest, I would have preferred to see Plouffe respond by saying they don't know and don't care what The Donald says.
      Why give credibility to a man pandering to the Lunatic Fringe?

  • __kth__

    Poor Gail Collins: to be measured against all of the authors that Trump hasn' t read, and be found wanting, must really sting.

  • ttommyunger

    The real news is that this bloated, doughy pantload has learned to fart through his larynx. That explains not only the content, but the breath. You're welcome!

    • tessiee

      "this bloated, doughy pantload"

      Nicely done, Sir.

      • ttommyunger

        I have my moments. Thank YOU!

  • BZ1

    The Donald believes, "There is a very large segment of our society who believe that Barack Obama, indeed, was not born in the United States." A large segment of the population also believes in UFOs, thinks that no one landed on the moon, (I could go on)…

  • mourningnmerica

    I am not ready to throw my support behind any of the GOP candidates just yet. I am waiting for someone with a little more substance to declare. Say, Bobcat Goldthwait.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Didn't his beef with Rosie O'Donnell only make her more popular? Does he want to give Gail the Trump Bump?

  • richhell

    I liked Trump better when his stump speeches were like this: http://www.gocomics.com/doonesbury/1999/12/06/

  • http://intensedebate.com/logout Gleem_McShineys

    Yeah, it just sits quietly on his head, never barking.

  • BerkeleyBear

    With my feet, I favor quality podiatry to either.

    • tessiee

      Can I get an a-men for peasantry? Or pleasantry, either one is good.

  • MissTaken

    Regarding that pic of the short-fingered vulgarian: Please tell me that is NOT the Donald's O Face.

    I mean I enjoy being taking down to the floor by a large, glistening, naked black man as much as the next person, but I don't need to know that Donald does too.

  • El Pinche

    The photo played with my heart. At first glance, I thought Tiny Lister finally kicked the living shit out of that fart bag Trump.

  • Crank_Tango

    well I dunno if “hairpiece” is the appropriate word…