what's this one's stupid name?

Todd Palin ‘Love Child’ Rumor Completes Todd Palin Affair Scorecard

So Trig is not the father?To go along with the rumors that Todd Palin has had affairs and sexed prostitutes, the National Enquirer is now reporting that Todd Palin has one of those “love children” with a woman who is not Sarah Palin. This is said to “RUIN HER CHANCE FOR WHITE HOUSE,” which would be the most shocking revelation of all in this article, of course, because it would mean Sarah Palin once had a shot at the presidency. (Or this is just sly wording, and refers to the paint color on her Alaska hill-country lair.) So has Todd seen this supposed child of his? Does he love it, or is it impossible to love a baby that doesn’t have Down syndrome?

To summarize this story, the Enquirer has heard this rumor. Alaska Palin bloggers have heard this rumor too. Very rumor, very sex, very Todd Palin.

Also, the Enquirer is reporting Bristol Palin got in a Facebook war of misspelled words with her boyfriend. Startling! Are they sure those two didn’t have a disagreement on the works of Marcel Proust? [Immoral Minority]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • professorcastillo

    I would feel sorry for her except that she just jumped on the birther bandwagon. Live by the rumor, sink by the rumor.

  • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

    STFU Faggot

    • CapnFatback

      I do believe folks are forgetting the source of your snark.

    • CapnFatback

      As of 2:37 p.m., on April 11th: +13 comment score.

      Another p-meter (peter?) re-stiffened!

  • freakishlywrong

    I want to see that love child's birf cerficite, STAT.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Did Bristol dismiss the Enquirer story as a canard?

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      If it quacks like a duck….

      • genxr

        A canard is a kind of duck. Right?

    • Serolf_Divad

      A l'orange?

      • jqheywood

        Wait, it's Boehner's love child?

    • DashboardBuddha

      No, but she did say, "Dad! Bad story incoming. DUCK!"

    • BarryOPotter

      Did Bristol dismiss the Enquirer story as a canard?

      She did, declaring it to be, in fact, a librul canard enchaîné…

    • Terry

      No, she's a lot further along in reading the thesaurus now (it's sitting next to the toilet). She dismissed it as spurious.

      • GOPCrusher

        Maybe next week, it will be superfluous.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Strange that Bristol should dislike canards. After all, like Burt Rutan's revolutionary canard airplane, she too is Vari Eze.

    • GeneralLerong

      Naw. She dismissed it as a "coot."

      Which I think is a cross between a cooter and a hoot, or maybe a type of waterfoul.

    • tessiee

      I'd be amazed if she could even pronounce it.

  • CapnFatback

    And let the news go forth that on this day, a future contestant on Dancing with the Stars was discovered!

  • MittsHairHelmet

    Pageviewz!

  • memzilla

    Dear Todd: You should have just downloaded "Nailin' Palin" and closed yer eyes. Sincerely, 1000s of Tea Klux Klan Fapmeisters. And Downfisting Trollz.

  • OurHoboSenator

    What does Lou Sarah have to say about this?

    • PuckStopsHere

      Let's try to remember who the REAL VICTIM is here. Hint: It is all of us, every one.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    The Enquirer? Who believes a word they print, just look at that whole John Edwards story…oh, bad example.

    Todd, if Snowbilly dumps you, I'm sure Greta will let you into her igloo.

  • ablington

    Big whoop. Todd Palin fathered my child, too. It's just what he does.

    • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

      So what's your child's name? Something sturdy and redolent of Alaskan self-sufficiency? Like Truck, or Tool, or Husqvarna?

      • ablington

        I have twins, Crust and Axe.

  • freakishlywrong

    Look for Wassillabilly to whine to Greta about the the very librul National Enquirer smearing her in the National media. Or the grocery store line. Which, really, is worse.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      I was just thinking that this would make her base love her even more. Poor, poor Sarah who has to put up with the liberal media eelite and an unfaithful husband all while tending her special needs child. Nothing could be better for the 'victimization' queen.

      • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

        So what you're saying is her base is basically made up of PUMAs who don't know how to shoot guns.

        Considering the track "record" of PUMA support in preznit erections I'd have to say Palin better find a new base.

        • Crank_Tango

          you know who else has a "base"…

          • Doktor Zoom
          • GOPCrusher

            Rick Astley?

          • CrankyLttlCamperette

            We do, since all your base are belong…oh never mind…

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Alaskan dumb
    Ooh, ooh, ooh….aaaahhh

    You know that she ain't winning
    What I do is end the sad joke
    Of Sarah's "run" as prenzit rejected
    A laugh, squirmished, T'ed

    Preznit
    Never meant to be
    Lots of
    Sarah mockery
    Preznit
    Never meant to be
    Love Child
    Sarah's gonna be hunting me!

  • baconzgood

    No National Enquirer. Her opening her mouth and learning how to use twitter ruined her chances for the White House long ago.

    • tessiee

      "ruined her chances for the White House long ago"

      Please, all the powers that be in the Universe, let Bacon be right about this…
      Oh, wait. Bacon is *always* right.
      I'm greatly relieved now.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I'm racking my brain for a clever Diana Ross reference here, but coming up empty.

    Edit: Thanks Manchu!

  • PocketsTheClown

    It's named Lothar. I'm so glad this is from a classy rag, also.

  • baconzgood

    Bristol seems more like a fan of Russian literature than French.

    "I can see Anton Chekhov from my house."

    • Texan_Bulldog

      I'm sure she thinks that's a hockey player.

      • baconzgood

        Chekhov…Didn't he steer the Star Ship Enterprise?

        • Crank_Tango

          that makes him an entrepreneur doesn't it? god knows the french don't have a word for entrepreneur…

          • horsedreamer_1

            He was a job-creator… for Scotty, anyway.

        • Doktor Zoom

          Nah, he's the Rooshin science fiction writer who said "If in the first act you have hung a phaser on the wall, then in the following one it should be fired."

          • tessiee

            That's RAYMOND Chekhov!

  • CapnFatback

    Todd's just angling for a sweet contract to be the spokesperson for a pro-monogamy non-profit.

    • El Pinche

      Fuck these stupid pee points, this is an old fashioned wonkette WIN.

  • Serolf_Divad

    I'm waiting for Todd to respond to the allegations with the following denial: "I can't possibly have a love child with that woman, since it was a hate fuck to begin with!"

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      That's what I would call having sex with Sarah, actually.

      • Serolf_Divad

        When you're married to Sarah Palin, every fuck is a hate fuck, I suspect.

  • LabRodent

    "Ruin her chance for the White House"……..Really?

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      Don't laugh anything off. I'm still mystified over Dubya's first election, and Wisconsin's mysterious vote-hiding computers.

      • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

        When Snowbilly gets to be from one of the wealthiest families in the nation, and her father becomes and ex-president and ex CIA Director, and she gets a brother to not count the votes in one of the larger electoral states then I will start getting worried. Until then fuck that dumb bitch with Huckabee's gravy ladle.

  • e_z

    da Skankmaster!

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    Sure. It's Todd's fault that Sarah Palin won't be president….. Let's go with that.

    • LesBontemps

      That list is getting pretty long.

    • Crank_Tango

      well at least in this case he can say he did it because he lurvs america so much.

      • Ducksworthy

        That would totally work!

  • Oldskool_

    Now he can join John Edwards Lonely Hearts Club.

    • LesBontemps

      Hookworm ain't nearly as awful as breast cancer.

    • tessiee

      We hope you will enjoy the show.

  • PuckStopsHere

    How do they know it's a "love child"? What if they was just bangin'? What if they were just fuck-buddies? And…is it proper to hyphenate "fuck-buddies" or is it two stand-alone words or just one long word? And…as long as we're at it, I'd like to ask the same question about the world "cocksucker". I don't care so much about the answer, I just want to get that word out there into the discourse on this Monday morning.

    • tessiee

      One thing I have to say in favor of being a cocksucker: it's a good way to avoid ending up with a love child OR a fuck buddy child.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      "I just want to get that word out there into the discourse on this Monday morning."

      Ahem, normal etiquette is to wait for a Koch-related story.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ChurchofRealism

    Obviously he tripped and his dick just fell in her, coulda happened to anyone….

    • PuckStopsHere

      "Doc, it was a million-to-one shot!"

  • freakishlywrong

    Breathlessly awaiting some asshole pundit to quantify this as the National Enquirer just "digging a little deeper" and not throwing stones. taptaptap…

  • DaRooster

    I just can't figure out why in the world Todd would want to do this to such a sweet and caring individual like Sarah. Why would one want to ever be with anyone other than her? She deserves the keys to the White House… I suggest we just give them to her now… forget the need to vote her in, technicalities.

    (Seriously, I propose this is set up for the,"I too have been cheated on" vote.)

    • Texan_Bulldog

      God, I don't know what would be worse (since I'm not a dude). Listening to Snowbilly or Victoria Jackson in the throes of passion. Shudder…

      • DaRooster

        To put it in a way that may help ya-
        Gilbert Gottfried or Chris Tucker?

        • tessiee

          Bobcat Goldthwait!

          • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

            Sam Kinison!

          • DaRooster

            AARRRG! OOOHHH!

          • tessiee

            With each other!

  • Badonkadonkette

    Dude Libel!

    • http://www.wonkette.com ChurchofRealism

      Excellent! You have been fisted in an upward trajectory.

  • SorosBot

    Yes, this scandal would ruin the chances of a national laughingstock who is hated by all but about 25% of the American people at winning the Presidency. Besides, while cheating by a candidate is bad, why would being cheated on ruin their shot? That part didn't hurt Hillary Clinton's run, or Reagan's presidency. (Or FDR's, but no one knew about that one until after the fact).

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Don't know 'bout this? Did the Inquirer do the maths, the Trig, before going off on this tangent? Did Todd operate on pretty little Polynomial when he caught her without her brackets?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Say what you will about Todd, he sure is the cocksman's cocksman.

  • Come here a minute

    Why of course, it would be très gauche to live in anything other than off-white after a scandal such as this, akin to wearing white to your second wedding.

  • GodShammgod

    The only thing that surprises me with the Todd Palin prostitution rumors is that they're with female prostitutes. That guy looks like he's on the down-low.

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      He has the facial hair of a mega-church molester that's for sure.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Dear National Enquirer:

    When John Edwards was schtupping the video queen, we hated his sorry ass. After all he was stepping out on Elizabeth.

    Now you're reporting that Todd has been effin' around. But we empathize with this poor bastard (because of the bitch battleaxe he's harried to), so cut him some slack.

    Thanks, bro!
    America

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "In modern society, natural selection is indifferent with regards to intelligence."

    • tessiee

      I'd go so far as to say that there's a directly *inverse* correspondence, a la "Idiocracy".

  • edywin2

    …and in other news. Have you noticed the premium ads to our right? There is an OBAMA 2012 ad and UNDERNEATH, an ad that asks GIVING UP ON GAY MEN?
    And there, in all caps, is todays headline in the National Enquirer.
    The President is a bottom and going back into the closet. See how easy journalism is?

  • widestanceroman

    This is a tad Toddry even for the Enquirer.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Hey-o!

  • nounverb911

    "the National Enquirer is now reporting that Todd Palin has one of those “love children” with a woman who is not Sarah Palin."
    Guess who likes Planned Parenthood now?

    • NorthStarSpanx

      There is nothing "planned" about this family, they keep falling bassakwards into luck – good and bad.

  • WinterOuthouse

    I believe it! Of course it is true~ Tawd's seed is very strong. His manly sperm does push ups and sit ups and jumping jacks to stay in shape. His seed is so potent it is able to survive over a month. It waits for a scantily dressed egg that wants it to attack.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "His manly sperm does push ups and sit ups and jumping jacks to stay in shape. His seed is so potent it is able to survive over a month."
      I wonder what it's like having testicles that behave like Mexican Jumping Beans?

      • Steverino247

        Todd? Why is there mariachi music coming out of your scrotum?

  • JoshuaNorton

    So can he get big bucks for lecturing people about practicing abstinence now, too. Also?

    • Come here a minute

      Even better — marriage seminars at spa resorts where he can lecture on fidelity while becoming somebody else's second-dude.

    • MadBrahms

      It's strong all right, but all those roids' his sperm have been doing have apparently made them a little bit special, given his offspring.

      (obligatory STOP TALKING ABOUT TRIG reply goes here)

  • PsycWench

    Sperm libel.

  • Sheesko

    Palingates has long posited that Sarah Palin's Down Syndrome baby is not hers. There is compelling evidence for this. See at http://palingates.blogspot.com/2011/04/babygate-r… and links therefrom. This "love child" thing is an even better explanation for why Sarah would elect (he he) to fake a pregnancy at the last minute and make up such fabulous, conflicting lies about it. Previously, it was thought she might be hiding a Bristol boo-boo. Well anyway, go see what you think.

  • WinterOuthouse

    I heard it was going to be twins. Pepptoe and Bismall

  • bflrtsplk

    There's actually another woman, besides the Grifter, who wanted to have sex with that pile of discarded blood vessels. Only in America.

    Oh, by the way, next up on the troll patrol is something calling itself Kevin Stowell or, no, wait Long Legged Mac Daddy after a brief name change to something else. Where do they find the time? Oh, right.

  • littlebigdaddy

    I bet it's called Plug. After, you know, Santorum.

  • thefrontpage

    Years ago, when Sarah Palin was working as a spy for the Kenya Muslim Islamic Revolutionary Terrorist Group (KMIRTG), Todd Palin, while accompanying her on an undercover mission, had a torrid affair–affairs are always torrid–with Kenyan female member of KMIRTG. Their love child is now an illegal alien working in the administration of Arizona Governor Jan Brewer, working as a national security adviser to Brewer, handling top-secret, clandestine issues and documents every day. Meanwhile, Palin and Trump used to be spies for KMIRTG for years, working together as undercover terrorists. Neither Sarah Trump nor Donald Trump were born in the U.S. Both are illegal aliens.

    • littlebigdaddy

      I will not be convinced unless you have at least 100 chalkboards to prove this.

  • Sassomatic

    Does this mean all his legit children with Sarah are hate children? Yeah, I guess it does.

  • Thurman Munster IV

    Brood libel

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    "I did not rub noses with that woman!"

    • Gopherit

      While the Eskimo reference is top notch, I'm pretty sure noses weren't involved, unless Todd produces sperm from there, too. That man probably has sperm with wings and tails given how many people he seems to knock up.

      • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

        Do they have opossums in Alaska?

        "The penis of the male opossum is bifurcated or forked. This, combined with the female opossum's prenatal habit of licking her belly, nipples and pouch area, led to the folktale that in reproducing, the male and female have sex through the female's nose and she then blows the young into her pouch."

        • NorthStarSpanx

          Eskimo kisses aren't rubbing noses, but it does involve the nose. It's smelling really, a sign of affection. As for the opossum conception, I need to blow my brain out of my nose so that I lose this image in my head.

          • Gopherit

            Yeah, I hear eating seal can leave you kinda stinky. Sounds like a sound policy.

  • LesBontemps

    So far this morning we've got a Sarah Palin story and a Todd Palin story; should I assume we are going for the tri-fecta with Bristol Palin story before lunch? Because if that's the case, I'll just plan on skipping lunch, thanks.

    • SorosBot

      Or Willow – someone needs to get on the abstinence-preaching teen mom gravy train too.

  • Ducksworthy

    Meh. Trailer trash Alaska. What's new?

  • Crank_Tango

    considering I would rather stick my dick in a bag of angry snakes than Sarah Palin, I am gonna side with the Todd on this one.

    • mereoblivion

      How do you know how much Sarah would like to stick her dick in a bag of angry snakes? Can you see her dick from your house? (Srsly, cn U?)

  • bordo2

    Who wouldn't cheat on a woman with a voice that makes one long for the sweet screech of nails on a blackboard? Seriously, man. You put $arah Failin's voice in Angelina Jolie and, ugh, she's unfuckable.

  • Golfing_OJ

    This is simply too fucking rich. I'm in diabetic shock over the fucking richness of this. All that's left to happen to this crew of numskulls is a Photoshop of a smiling Bristol with Charlie Sheen's dong in her mouth, except it isn't Photoshopped, and it's actually 5 dongs in a battle royale. Seriously, this just takes the totally rich cake.

  • Poindexter718

    Todd just wanted a little snowmachine racer that the mom would agree to letting him name "Jeff" instead of Tread or Tank or Skillet or somesuch…

  • Gopherit

    If half the rumors about Todd are true, it would be hard to walk anywhere in Wasilla without stepping in a puddle of Palin jizz.

  • hagajim

    Of course the Tawd has a love child….you don't think ol' Bristol fell far from the family tree after all.

    But seriously, has anyone noticed how Todd just keeps his head down and tries to stay the fuck outta the limelight – that's cause he wantz more whores and too much gotcha journalism would bust him.

  • GOPCrusher

    I'm sorry, but I'm sticking with my original contention. It's only a matter of time before the National Enquirer breaks the story of Trig being the result of an incestuous relationship between Tawd and Brisket.
    Only then, will I hold the faint flame of hope in my heart that a Palin Presidential run won't be attempted.
    But even then, I'd be willing to bet that Bible Spice will see it as an opportunity to benefit from being the victim.

  • ttommyunger

    JACK STUEF: "Oh Palin White Trash, I wish I could quit you!". Me too, Jack; me too.

  • mourningnmerica

    Proof of this story's veracity is that the baby is named Falll.

  • BZ1

    Very, very Toddry…

  • NorthStarSpanx

    The point of this story is that Todd just fulfills the Palin narrative that everything about them is 'hard workin?" his sperm stands and delivers.

    Blah blah blah, wait til they roll out their Sarah (preggers as a sitting Governor at her age and duty station with a special needs child) and Bristol (teenager, unmarried, hasn't graduated high school yet) "Life Happens" meme, and at least his little-on-the-side 'chose life?'

  • NorthStarSpanx

    UNBELIVEABLE!

  • BerkeleyBear

    If he was, would he have 5 kids (4 if you buy the Bristol/Trigger conspiracy)? That seems like a lot of effort at bearding, especially since he was only home from his well paid union job 5 months a year.

    • Negropolis

      LOL! @ "Bearding"

  • Schmannnity

    Between Bristol and Todd, the Palins may soon have an all bastard basketball team.

  • rocktonsam

    keep ducking those ashtrays $arah is throwing at you Tawd.

    $he'll tire soon.

  • malialitman

    I wonder if Sarah will have her lawyer call the Anchorage Police Department and have them issue a "press release" indicating that of all the evidence they have "examined" they have not seen any evidence that Todd is the father of anyone? malialitman.wordpress.com

  • WinterOuthouse

    Tawd is so turned on by America's virility that he has to spread his disease, errrr seed. Pulling out is NOT the American way.

  • tessiee

    Although, to be strictly accurate, anybody only ever wins any lottery with one ticket.