To go along with the rumors that Todd Palin has had affairs and sexed prostitutes, the National Enquirer is now reporting that Todd Palin has one of those “love children” with a woman who is not Sarah Palin. This is said to “RUIN HER CHANCE FOR WHITE HOUSE,” which would be the most shocking revelation of all in this article, of course, because it would mean Sarah Palin once had a shot at the presidency. (Or this is just sly wording, and refers to the paint color on her Alaska hill-country lair.) So has Todd seen this supposed child of his? Does he love it, or is it impossible to love a baby that doesn’t have Down syndrome?
To summarize this story, the Enquirer has heard this rumor. Alaska Palin bloggers have heard this rumor too. Very rumor, very sex, very Todd Palin.
Also, the Enquirer is reporting Bristol Palin got in a Facebook war of misspelled words with her boyfriend. Startling! Are they sure those two didn’t have a disagreement on the works of Marcel Proust? [Immoral Minority]
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I would feel sorry for her except that she just jumped on the birther bandwagon. Live by the rumor, sink by the rumor.
STFU Faggot
I do believe folks are forgetting the source of your snark.
As of 2:37 p.m., on April 11th: +13 comment score.
Another p-meter (peter?) re-stiffened!
I want to see that love child's birf cerficite, STAT.
Did Bristol dismiss the Enquirer story as a canard?
If it quacks like a duck….
A canard is a kind of duck. Right?
A l'orange?
Wait, it's Boehner's love child?
No, but she did say, "Dad! Bad story incoming. DUCK!"
Did Bristol dismiss the Enquirer story as a canard?
She did, declaring it to be, in fact, a librul canard enchaîné…
No, she's a lot further along in reading the thesaurus now (it's sitting next to the toilet). She dismissed it as spurious.
Maybe next week, it will be superfluous.
Strange that Bristol should dislike canards. After all, like Burt Rutan's revolutionary canard airplane, she too is Vari Eze.
Naw. She dismissed it as a "coot."
Which I think is a cross between a cooter and a hoot, or maybe a type of waterfoul.
I'd be amazed if she could even pronounce it.
And let the news go forth that on this day, a future contestant on Dancing with the Stars was discovered!
Pageviewz!
Dear Todd: You should have just downloaded "Nailin' Palin" and closed yer eyes. Sincerely, 1000s of Tea Klux Klan Fapmeisters. And Downfisting Trollz.
What does Lou Sarah have to say about this?
Let's try to remember who the REAL VICTIM is here. Hint: It is all of us, every one.
The Enquirer? Who believes a word they print, just look at that whole John Edwards story…oh, bad example.
Todd, if Snowbilly dumps you, I'm sure Greta will let you into her igloo.
Big whoop. Todd Palin fathered my child, too. It's just what he does.
So what's your child's name? Something sturdy and redolent of Alaskan self-sufficiency? Like Truck, or Tool, or Husqvarna?
I have twins, Crust and Axe.
Look for Wassillabilly to whine to Greta about the the very librul National Enquirer smearing her in the National media. Or the grocery store line. Which, really, is worse.
I was just thinking that this would make her base love her even more. Poor, poor Sarah who has to put up with the liberal media eelite and an unfaithful husband all while tending her special needs child. Nothing could be better for the 'victimization' queen.
So what you're saying is her base is basically made up of PUMAs who don't know how to shoot guns.
Considering the track "record" of PUMA support in preznit erections I'd have to say Palin better find a new base.
you know who else has a "base"…
CATS?
Rick Astley?
We do, since all your base are belong…oh never mind…
Alaskan dumb
Ooh, ooh, ooh….aaaahhh
You know that she ain't winning
What I do is end the sad joke
Of Sarah's "run" as prenzit rejected
A laugh, squirmished, T'ed
Preznit
Never meant to be
Lots of
Sarah mockery
Preznit
Never meant to be
Love Child
Sarah's gonna be hunting me!
No National Enquirer. Her opening her mouth and learning how to use twitter ruined her chances for the White House long ago.
"ruined her chances for the White House long ago"
Please, all the powers that be in the Universe, let Bacon be right about this…
Oh, wait. Bacon is *always* right.
I'm greatly relieved now.
I'm racking my brain for a clever Diana Ross reference here, but coming up empty.
Edit: Thanks Manchu!
It's named Lothar. I'm so glad this is from a classy rag, also.
Bristol seems more like a fan of Russian literature than French.
"I can see Anton Chekhov from my house."
I'm sure she thinks that's a hockey player.
Chekhov…Didn't he steer the Star Ship Enterprise?
that makes him an entrepreneur doesn't it? god knows the french don't have a word for entrepreneur…
He was a job-creator… for Scotty, anyway.
Nah, he's the Rooshin science fiction writer who said "If in the first act you have hung a phaser on the wall, then in the following one it should be fired."
That's RAYMOND Chekhov!
Todd's just angling for a sweet contract to be the spokesperson for a pro-monogamy non-profit.
Fuck these stupid pee points, this is an old fashioned wonkette WIN.
I'm waiting for Todd to respond to the allegations with the following denial: "I can't possibly have a love child with that woman, since it was a hate fuck to begin with!"
That's what I would call having sex with Sarah, actually.
When you're married to Sarah Palin, every fuck is a hate fuck, I suspect.
"Ruin her chance for the White House"……..Really?
Don't laugh anything off. I'm still mystified over Dubya's first election, and Wisconsin's mysterious vote-hiding computers.
When Snowbilly gets to be from one of the wealthiest families in the nation, and her father becomes and ex-president and ex CIA Director, and she gets a brother to not count the votes in one of the larger electoral states then I will start getting worried. Until then fuck that dumb bitch with Huckabee's gravy ladle.
da Skankmaster!
Sure. It's Todd's fault that Sarah Palin won't be president….. Let's go with that.
That list is getting pretty long.
well at least in this case he can say he did it because he lurvs america so much.
That would totally work!
Now he can join John Edwards Lonely Hearts Club.
Hookworm ain't nearly as awful as breast cancer.
We hope you will enjoy the show.
How do they know it's a "love child"? What if they was just bangin'? What if they were just fuck-buddies? And…is it proper to hyphenate "fuck-buddies" or is it two stand-alone words or just one long word? And…as long as we're at it, I'd like to ask the same question about the world "cocksucker". I don't care so much about the answer, I just want to get that word out there into the discourse on this Monday morning.
One thing I have to say in favor of being a cocksucker: it's a good way to avoid ending up with a love child OR a fuck buddy child.
"I just want to get that word out there into the discourse on this Monday morning."
Ahem, normal etiquette is to wait for a Koch-related story.
Obviously he tripped and his dick just fell in her, coulda happened to anyone….
"Doc, it was a million-to-one shot!"
Breathlessly awaiting some asshole pundit to quantify this as the National Enquirer just "digging a little deeper" and not throwing stones. taptaptap…
I just can't figure out why in the world Todd would want to do this to such a sweet and caring individual like Sarah. Why would one want to ever be with anyone other than her? She deserves the keys to the White House… I suggest we just give them to her now… forget the need to vote her in, technicalities.
(Seriously, I propose this is set up for the,"I too have been cheated on" vote.)
God, I don't know what would be worse (since I'm not a dude). Listening to Snowbilly or Victoria Jackson in the throes of passion. Shudder…
To put it in a way that may help ya-
Gilbert Gottfried or Chris Tucker?
Bobcat Goldthwait!
Sam Kinison!
Dude Libel!
Excellent! You have been fisted in an upward trajectory.
Yes, this scandal would ruin the chances of a national laughingstock who is hated by all but about 25% of the American people at winning the Presidency. Besides, while cheating by a candidate is bad, why would being cheated on ruin their shot? That part didn't hurt Hillary Clinton's run, or Reagan's presidency. (Or FDR's, but no one knew about that one until after the fact).
Don't know 'bout this? Did the Inquirer do the maths, the Trig, before going off on this tangent? Did Todd operate on pretty little Polynomial when he caught her without her brackets?
Say what you will about Todd, he sure is the cocksman's cocksman.
Why of course, it would be très gauche to live in anything other than off-white after a scandal such as this, akin to wearing white to your second wedding.
The only thing that surprises me with the Todd Palin prostitution rumors is that they're with female prostitutes. That guy looks like he's on the down-low.
He has the facial hair of a mega-church molester that's for sure.
Dear National Enquirer:
When John Edwards was schtupping the video queen, we hated his sorry ass. After all he was stepping out on Elizabeth.
Now you're reporting that Todd has been effin' around. But we empathize with this poor bastard (because of the bitch battleaxe he's harried to), so cut him some slack.
Thanks, bro!
America
"In modern society, natural selection is indifferent with regards to intelligence."
I'd go so far as to say that there's a directly *inverse* correspondence, a la "Idiocracy".
…and in other news. Have you noticed the premium ads to our right? There is an OBAMA 2012 ad and UNDERNEATH, an ad that asks GIVING UP ON GAY MEN?
And there, in all caps, is todays headline in the National Enquirer.
The President is a bottom and going back into the closet. See how easy journalism is?
This is a tad Toddry even for the Enquirer.
Hey-o!
"the National Enquirer is now reporting that Todd Palin has one of those “love children” with a woman who is not Sarah Palin."
Guess who likes Planned Parenthood now?
There is nothing "planned" about this family, they keep falling bassakwards into luck – good and bad.
I believe it! Of course it is true~ Tawd's seed is very strong. His manly sperm does push ups and sit ups and jumping jacks to stay in shape. His seed is so potent it is able to survive over a month. It waits for a scantily dressed egg that wants it to attack.
"His manly sperm does push ups and sit ups and jumping jacks to stay in shape. His seed is so potent it is able to survive over a month."
I wonder what it's like having testicles that behave like Mexican Jumping Beans?
Todd? Why is there mariachi music coming out of your scrotum?
So can he get big bucks for lecturing people about practicing abstinence now, too. Also?
Even better — marriage seminars at spa resorts where he can lecture on fidelity while becoming somebody else's second-dude.
It's strong all right, but all those roids' his sperm have been doing have apparently made them a little bit special, given his offspring.
(obligatory STOP TALKING ABOUT TRIG reply goes here)
Sperm libel.
Palingates has long posited that Sarah Palin's Down Syndrome baby is not hers. There is compelling evidence for this. See at http://palingates.blogspot.com/2011/04/babygate-r… and links therefrom. This "love child" thing is an even better explanation for why Sarah would elect (he he) to fake a pregnancy at the last minute and make up such fabulous, conflicting lies about it. Previously, it was thought she might be hiding a Bristol boo-boo. Well anyway, go see what you think.
I heard it was going to be twins. Pepptoe and Bismall
There's actually another woman, besides the Grifter, who wanted to have sex with that pile of discarded blood vessels. Only in America.
Oh, by the way, next up on the troll patrol is something calling itself Kevin Stowell or, no, wait Long Legged Mac Daddy after a brief name change to something else. Where do they find the time? Oh, right.
I bet it's called Plug. After, you know, Santorum.
Years ago, when Sarah Palin was working as a spy for the Kenya Muslim Islamic Revolutionary Terrorist Group (KMIRTG), Todd Palin, while accompanying her on an undercover mission, had a torrid affair–affairs are always torrid–with Kenyan female member of KMIRTG. Their love child is now an illegal alien working in the administration of Arizona Governor Jan Brewer, working as a national security adviser to Brewer, handling top-secret, clandestine issues and documents every day. Meanwhile, Palin and Trump used to be spies for KMIRTG for years, working together as undercover terrorists. Neither Sarah Trump nor Donald Trump were born in the U.S. Both are illegal aliens.
I will not be convinced unless you have at least 100 chalkboards to prove this.
Does this mean all his legit children with Sarah are hate children? Yeah, I guess it does.
Brood libel
"I did not rub noses with that woman!"
While the Eskimo reference is top notch, I'm pretty sure noses weren't involved, unless Todd produces sperm from there, too. That man probably has sperm with wings and tails given how many people he seems to knock up.
Do they have opossums in Alaska?
"The penis of the male opossum is bifurcated or forked. This, combined with the female opossum's prenatal habit of licking her belly, nipples and pouch area, led to the folktale that in reproducing, the male and female have sex through the female's nose and she then blows the young into her pouch."
Eskimo kisses aren't rubbing noses, but it does involve the nose. It's smelling really, a sign of affection. As for the opossum conception, I need to blow my brain out of my nose so that I lose this image in my head.
Yeah, I hear eating seal can leave you kinda stinky. Sounds like a sound policy.
So far this morning we've got a Sarah Palin story and a Todd Palin story; should I assume we are going for the tri-fecta with Bristol Palin story before lunch? Because if that's the case, I'll just plan on skipping lunch, thanks.
Or Willow – someone needs to get on the abstinence-preaching teen mom gravy train too.
Meh. Trailer trash Alaska. What's new?
considering I would rather stick my dick in a bag of angry snakes than Sarah Palin, I am gonna side with the Todd on this one.
How do you know how much Sarah would like to stick her dick in a bag of angry snakes? Can you see her dick from your house? (Srsly, cn U?)
Who wouldn't cheat on a woman with a voice that makes one long for the sweet screech of nails on a blackboard? Seriously, man. You put $arah Failin's voice in Angelina Jolie and, ugh, she's unfuckable.
This is simply too fucking rich. I'm in diabetic shock over the fucking richness of this. All that's left to happen to this crew of numskulls is a Photoshop of a smiling Bristol with Charlie Sheen's dong in her mouth, except it isn't Photoshopped, and it's actually 5 dongs in a battle royale. Seriously, this just takes the totally rich cake.
Todd just wanted a little snowmachine racer that the mom would agree to letting him name "Jeff" instead of Tread or Tank or Skillet or somesuch…
If half the rumors about Todd are true, it would be hard to walk anywhere in Wasilla without stepping in a puddle of Palin jizz.
Of course the Tawd has a love child….you don't think ol' Bristol fell far from the family tree after all.
But seriously, has anyone noticed how Todd just keeps his head down and tries to stay the fuck outta the limelight – that's cause he wantz more whores and too much gotcha journalism would bust him.
I'm sorry, but I'm sticking with my original contention. It's only a matter of time before the National Enquirer breaks the story of Trig being the result of an incestuous relationship between Tawd and Brisket.
Only then, will I hold the faint flame of hope in my heart that a Palin Presidential run won't be attempted.
But even then, I'd be willing to bet that Bible Spice will see it as an opportunity to benefit from being the victim.
JACK STUEF: "Oh Palin White Trash, I wish I could quit you!". Me too, Jack; me too.
Proof of this story's veracity is that the baby is named Falll.
Very, very Toddry…
The point of this story is that Todd just fulfills the Palin narrative that everything about them is 'hard workin?" his sperm stands and delivers.
Blah blah blah, wait til they roll out their Sarah (preggers as a sitting Governor at her age and duty station with a special needs child) and Bristol (teenager, unmarried, hasn't graduated high school yet) "Life Happens" meme, and at least his little-on-the-side 'chose life?'
UNBELIVEABLE!
If he was, would he have 5 kids (4 if you buy the Bristol/Trigger conspiracy)? That seems like a lot of effort at bearding, especially since he was only home from his well paid union job 5 months a year.
LOL! @ "Bearding"
Between Bristol and Todd, the Palins may soon have an all bastard basketball team.
keep ducking those ashtrays $arah is throwing at you Tawd.
$he'll tire soon.
I wonder if Sarah will have her lawyer call the Anchorage Police Department and have them issue a "press release" indicating that of all the evidence they have "examined" they have not seen any evidence that Todd is the father of anyone? malialitman.wordpress.com
Tawd is so turned on by America's virility that he has to spread his disease, errrr seed. Pulling out is NOT the American way.
Although, to be strictly accurate, anybody only ever wins any lottery with one ticket.
AARRRG! OOOHHH!
With each other!
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