Donald Trump's Birther Investigation Makes Sarah Palin All Hot & Bothered

• What do rich people do with their money, besides using it to pay taxes? (Haha, what taxes?) Well, we know what Donald Trump is wasting his fortune on, since he is a shameless exhibitionist: He has hired a crackerjack team of private investigators to find Barack Obama's real "bird certificate," which your Wonkette has had for quite some time now. Sarah Palin has words of encouragement for Donald, obviously: "More power to him. He’s not just throwing stones, you know — from the sidelines. He’s digging in there." Indeed! And although Palin claims that our president was born right here, in Freedomland, she also hints that Obama is hiding something. Something sinister! That his real father is Malcolm X? Or maybe a Marxist space lizard? Who knows! You would think that Donald Trump would have some sort of duty to his shareholders -- you know, to make them money, instead of hiring research interns to browse Geocities-Freeper message boards all day long. (Donald Trump is not your ordinary businessman, since he is actually a business failure who enjoys "roasting" his celebrity clown friends on Comedy Central, or something.) Anyway, Donald Trump is creating jobs. Yay! [ The Hill ]

• A skirmish between demonstrators and the Egyptian army left one dead and dozens wounded in Cairo's Tahrir Square. Remember when the Egyptian army was supposedly pro-democracy, and refused to shoot protesters? Yeah. That's not how military juntas work. [ McClatchy ]

• A magnitude 6.6 earthquake terrorized Japan, causing mudslides and fires. [ CNN ]

• Also: Multiple tornadoes tore through eleven towns and cities in western Iowa on Saturday. Good gravy. Please stay safe, everyone! [ Des Moines Register ]