FLOTUS Turns American Religious Holiday Into Pagan ‘Let’s Move!’ Party

Once upon a time there was this guy named Jesus, who told a bunch of people that he was the Son of God and did lots of magic tricks until Mel Gibson killed him in front of disgusted audiences everywhere, the end. This is the foundation for the world’s angriest religion, Christianity. This is also why every spring, the White House hosts something called an “Easter Egg Roll,” so that children can experience the magic of the Resurrection through relay races. This year, the theme of the Easter Egg Roll is “Get Up and Go!” to complement our FLOTUS’ “Let’s Move!” anti-obesity campaign. This is, of course, because “Let’s Move!” is really Michelle Obama’s campaign to undermine Christianity, through exercise.

The patriotic sleuths at Fox & Friends and their guest, Laura Ingraham, recently alerted Americans to Michelle Obama’s anti-Easter initiative, in which she has gone so far as to advocate not only healthy living for people, but also respect for the environment. Those are Jesus’ two least favorite things! All he did was hand out Subway sandwiches and promote overfishing.

Yes, the Obamas’ signatures on the Easter eggs really take away from the main message of Easter: the bunnies and the eggs and the Peeps and what not. And even if the egg-signing began with Bush Part I in 1989, the Bushes were not secret Muslims, so it’s acceptable.

There’s really no way that Michelle Obama could have avoided ruining Easter, so she really should have gone all out and turned the Easter Egg Roll into an audition for The Biggest Loser: Children’s Edition or something. Isn’t that what Jesus would have wanted? [Media Matters]

Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.