a comedy in two acts

Sarah Palin Thinks U.S. Armed Forces Are About To Disband Or Something

...and dumber.

This policy matter is so complex and important it required two (2) full tweets of thought.

As we mentioned yesterday, troops will continue to earn pay during government shutdown, but they will not be able to receive paychecks while it’s going on, and House Republicans used this to score political points. (I.e. they were the ones “playing politics,” which is a funny phrase anyway, because everything politicians do is, by definition, politics.) That may seem pretty banal, but according to leading military squirmish analyst Sarah Palin, at the stroke of midnight, our troops’ weapons will DISAPPEAR and will all immediately be killed by “insurgents” who will suddenly “resume actions.”

This is why Lou Sarah would make a great commander in chief. As soon as her political opponents mentioned something about the troops, she would get scared that “the bombs will stop working” and immediately give into all their demands. And THAT’S how the Left will one day force all Americans to gay-marry a dead fetus. [Twitter]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. MittsHairHelmet

    Note that Jack had to re-order the tweets to make them coherent because Palin is too dumb to tweet the bottom half first.

  2. CliveWarren

    "According to leading military squirmish analyst Sarah Palin"

    You spelled analcyst wrong…

  3. Serolf_Divad

    Wow, Sarah Palin's brain can contain a thought that requires two whole tweets to express? Call me impressed!

    1. Beowoof

      Years of therapy at the brain injury center have certainly helped. Although, I do believe her brain injury was when the Dr. spotted the problem and tried to strangle her with the cord.

    2. An_Outhouse

      'Commander in Chief' could have been shortened to CINC. Don't give her too much credit.

    1. Beowoof

      Teabagger congress people and their kids works for me when you are thinking of replacements for the troops.

    2. MaxUdargo

      The part I don't get is how come the government shutdown and troops not getting paychecks is Obama's fault? Isn't the problem here that the two sides can't reach a compromise? So if the Republicans and Democrats can't agree on something that means it's the Democrats' fault for not agreeing with the Republicans? Why not the other way around? Why not…

      Meh. I really tried to build up some outrage there, but I'm just too tired. I mean, when Bush flew away for the last time in the helicopter, I was relieved because I had pretty much exhausted my reserves of outrage. Now, two years into Barry's watch and I'm like an outrage anorexic. I got nothing left to give. I've stuck my finger as far down my throat as it will go.

      1. Troubledog

        As members of the House will be quick to remind you, all bills that require funding must originate in the House.

        If the House is unable to propose a budget that can get approved, the failure rests with the House of Representatives.

        No further analysis need be done.

  4. memzilla

    Mooselini speaks from her vast experience of being the quintessential non-essential gummint employee.

  5. Badonkadonkette

    Actually, you dumb smelly cunt, Obama hasn't vetoed anything. It was George Bush who vetoed a defense appropriations act in the middle of two wars – that he started, mind you – in 2007, because Congress had the nerve to act on their constitutional mandate to control spending.
    Well, not all of Congress. Your running mate John McCain voted against that bill. You ugly fucking pig.

  6. Not_So_Much

    "Apaling demonsturtion of bad lerning and ewezing troopz, agin, as politcal perps for twatting brane farts. Also"

    1. elviouslyqueer

      This. Seriously, Tundra Twat has so many brain farts that she really should think about inventing Mental Beano.

  7. orygoon

    No, Sarah, but if my own family member's experience is an indicator, service in today's military drives one nucking futs. And really, it's not ideal to try to field an army with a bunch of psych-disabled soldiers.

  8. Gopherit

    Veto wha? What the fuck is she talking about? She knows the shutdown is in congress' hands….right? Right?

    Anyway, I look forward to the day when CIC Palin goes to Afganistan, bowie knife in teeth, to bring back the head of Osama. You go, girl! Don't forget to tweet.

    1. MissTaken

      No, actually she doesn't know that the shutdown is in Congress' hands.

      Remember this piece of shit actually believed that if she won the Vice Presidency that she would be President of the Senate and thus able to run the show there. She has absolutely no idea of how a bill becomes a law (her ADD made it impossible for her to finish that Schoolhouse Rock clip).

    1. Pithaughn

      hey, can you follow up with some clever quip about her event horizon? I'll take my Soma early, start in on the Dark and Stormy's and maybe I'll have a brain fart worth posting, ALSO. (Before I fall asleep that is)

  9. ablington

    You guys, I'm starting to think that Sarah Palin might not be as smart as we think she is.

    1. Not_So_Much

      Is that even mathematically possible? (I apologize for using the "M Word" in a snowbilly post)

  10. Redhead

    Well, the woman has reason to worry. If the government shuts down, will she and her offspring still get their "drill baby drill" payments for being Alaskans? Will her grandchild still be able to get his medicaid?

    1. SorosBot

      Yeah, money would probably stop flowing from the populous liberal urban states to the empty wingnut rural states for a bit; so there is actually some upside to the government shutdown.

  11. Badonkadonkette

    Jack, many troops live paycheck to paycheck, so if a shutdown lasts past a payday, they'd be in big trouble. But that doesn't mean the Twitta from Wasilla is right – it's Republicans who have (of course) refused to even consider a bill that allows troops to get paid unless it slashes spending for things like education.

    1. Terry

      "many troops live paycheck to paycheck"

      As do many civilian federal employees and contractors, but who gives a rat's arse about them, right?

      1. Badonkadonkette

        Well according to a highly inaccurate, selectively cited CBO report, all federal employees get paid a gazillion times more than their private sector counterparts so naturally they're all hoping for a nice long government shutdown so they can hold orgies on their piles of taxpayer cash while sailing in the Carribean on their 100-foot yachts.

  12. baconzgood

    How does congress not approving a budget = the prez playing politics? The bill hasn't even come to his desk to sign or veto. It's in the legislative branch right now. Jesus Sarah what you DON'T KNOW about how the government is run could fill a space almost as vast empty as the one between your ears.


  13. Callyson

    As if our troops did not have enough to contend with, given their crappy pay when they do get the checks, impossible missions (fix Afghanistan after years of neglect, and save Libya while you're at it), and frightingly bad postwar mental health counseling (as in, none)…now they are being told that the government shutdown is coming because Obama does not want to fund them?
    I hope they are smart enough to see through this crap…I really hope so…
    (Kill me, I'm an optimist…)

  14. Hatrabbit

    Among Foreign Policy Experts and Military Strategists, this kind of International Emergency is often referred to as a 'Double Tweeter'.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      I wonder why she didn't use facebook, since her thoughts are so deep that a single twat isn't enough to hold them all.

  15. SorosBot

    Good one, moran, blaming Obama for the congressional Republicans' refusal to negotiate and sticking a bunch of fuck yous in their budget.

  16. Hatrabbit

    Hey Sarah, how's that 'Don't need brains to be a Presidential Candidate' thing working out for ya?

    Oh. Shit. Pretty well, apparently.

  17. SheriffRoscoe

    Politics is the only game where only one side "plays," according to noted retard Sarah Palin.

  18. undeterredbyreality

    Repub talking point: Obama will veto payment to our troops.

    Demo talking point: Repubs won't fund our troops unless they also get to kill Planned Parenthood.

    Fact: House/Senate/Pres have all agreed on budget terms, but Repubs insist that "death of Planned Parenthood" rider (among others) be included in the bill.

    Who's playing politics with our troops?

  19. LocalGirlMakesGoo

    Yawn. I just can't get worked up over her anymore. I'm gonna make some coffee, read the obits and update my phone book.

  20. Hatrabbit

    Third Tweet:

    Also UNBELIEVABLE–how you could do this to ME and all my real American followers.

    1. OneYieldRegular

      Say what you will, but I find these Palindromes useful on occasion. "Unbeliveable" is how I'd describe not a few of the rent-controlled apartments I've inhabited.

  21. SayItWithWookies

    Apparently the snacks don't get served all the way in the back of the bus, so people get cranky.

  22. Barbara_i

    Hey Sarah, it is just about time for you to release those emails? I'm can't wait to see the ones that have "Mom, I need to talk to you about some birth control" in the subject line.

  23. memzilla

    Snowbilly Grifter and most Congressmen are millionaires. As Balzac said: "Behind every great fortune, there is a great crime." ("Le secret des grandes fortunes sans cause apparente est un crime oublié, parce qu' il a été proprement fait.")

    1. Pithaughn

      Goddamn you educated (at little or no cost to you I'll bet ) liberals, what with quoting some ones male anatomy in French no less! Why are you still here? Go! Leave now!
      (this of course is my lame snark, you can tell because of the lack of spelling errors)

  24. metamarcisf

    Poor Sarah. Not even the hysteric teabag nutjobs are listening to her anymore. In her desperate bid for attention, her next move is liable to be a naked streak through the Washington Mall, which, in the event of a shutdown, will go unnoticed anyway.

  25. JustPixelz

    Of course if Obama had agreed to the one week CR & fund the troops, she'd be tweeting:

    Appalling POTUS decision to kick the bdgt down street, no leadership, Americans sacrificing…

    …why is BHO ruining hard earned vacations? "Going Rogue" avail. at costco

  26. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, I take it that Ms. Palin, the quitting governor of Alaska, would be in favor of a tax increase on the wealthy to pay for the troops? Good to hear.

    1. Naked_Bunny

      Perhaps Palin should encourage her friends to donate directly to the Army, since I'm told that charity will compensate for the elimination of government programs.

  27. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    And Jack, silly boy, didn't you know that Lockheed-Martin, General Dynamics, Boeing and others have all built their weapons so that they only work if you keep putting quarters in them?

  28. hagajim

    Hey CUNT! SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP! We Don't fucking care about you or anything you say! You're a stupid never was whose 15 minutes should have expired when John McCain did! Oh – that's right the old fuck is still alive…..DAMN, DAMN, DAMN!

    Besides, in case you are too stupid to remember basic civics, it's the responsibility of Congress to pass a budget and the Preznit to sign it. It's your good day-glo orange buddy who hasn't managed to get a budget through for him to sign…so…..FUCK OFF!

  29. Mumbletypeg

    Two servings' worth, yet half the sense.
    That's Word Salad FAIL even by word salad-twatting standards.

  30. Beowoof

    Does this mean that Trac or Tram or Train or whatever the fuck her kid in the military name is will not have money for meth to cope with Sarah being his mom? Well Congress should get that out toot sweet as it is a medical emergency.

  31. Tundra Grifter

    Duh Gov'Nuh could have mentioned in Tweet II that the GNoP bill included billions in budget cuts and a ban on Federal funding for abortions in the District of Columbia. Who says Congress doesn't pay attention to DC?

  32. Naked_Bunny

    When did the Teabaggers pass a law requiring deployed troops to pay for housing and food, anyway?

  33. Goonemeritus

    This is just one of the many examples of the important work that Sarah has been doing since she left her elected post. The Governorship of a state is way less important than tweeting, after all isn’t tweeting how we kicked the Nazi’s out of Pearl harbor.

  34. SorosBot

    Of course, Sarah Palin's first thought about the government shutdown was, "How does this affect Sarah Palin?"

  35. El Pinche

    I haven't seen wildercunt in weeks now since her stardom took a dump. Is she tweeting from an igloo/meth lab?

  36. Terry

    Sarah Palin is a stupid, narcissistic grifter and our national discourse is improved by her absence.

  37. donner_froh

    What is UNBELIEVABLE is that trollop Sarah Palin (Peace be on you and the mercy of Allah and His blessings) can type two consecutive twats without collapsing into word salad mania.

  38. Radio_______

    This is like the time she had to write her crib notes on two hands….that's how fired up she is.

  39. fuflans

    wow. we now live in a world where the pauls are more relevant than sarah palin.


  40. magnetite

    I'm frankly amazed that she can tweet at all, given that she'll only be able to see the screen once per head rotation.

    (shamelessly repasted from my twitter. Without irony, also apparently, too)

  41. Beetagger

    I get so sick of people saying that the troops are "fighting for our freedumb." I'll know they're fighting for my freedom when they attack Congress.

    1. Steverino247

      Having been one of the "troops" let me say you're usually fighting for the people you're with so you all come home. "Freedom" means you're not cleaning the barracks or weapons all day, babysitting the troops all night, and you're home with the wife and a cold beer.

      Been that way since the fucking Romans.

        1. Steverino247

          Had fewer rights than a Federal prisoner and sometimes had shitty food or no food at all. Do the math.

  42. Radio_______

    Wait, you all know she says she's the mother of a combat veteran, right? So maybe we could go easy on her. What a brave patriot pooping out babies for the Fatherland or Homeland or whatever. So that gives her legitimacy, right? And you know who else was a big supporter of women spitting out future warriors to protect freedoms?

    But, srsly, the leukemia in American blood is this whole "do it for the troops," poignancy crap that covers the whole military-industrial complex. Probably the one thing more isolating than being an atheist is ANY criticism of our Holy War Machine.

  43. Trannysurprise

    Doesn't fucking up the spelling of unbelievable take just as many characters as spelling it correctly? Just sayin'.

  44. Guppy06

    If "the troops" don't like their treatment, maybe they should unionize.

    Or is that called a "bonus army?"

  45. Ducksworthy

    Uh Oh. Someone feels her insane base drifting over to the Donald, Must amp up the outrage….

  46. KeepFnThatChicken

    And she's… what, exactly?

    I bet she talks about just whatever in bed, too.

  47. poncho_pilot

    some people want to argue that humans are the only organisms capable of rational thought and that we are superior to animals who only use instinct. then you read things like this and you know that's bullshit. as rational as Pi, we are.

  48. orygoon

    "Two full tweets of thought"

    Er, no. "Nought", or "unsought", or perhaps "what?", but not the th-word.

  49. DashboardBuddha

    It just dawned on me…this statement is probably more accurate than I want to believe.

  50. DaSandman

    Yeah. i want my political wisdom from a 5 community college dumbass with whore children.

    Fuck you, Lou Sarah, fuck you .

  51. philpjfry

    OK, OK, This is the worse thing I can think of: Sarah Palin and Donald Trump have a baby together…..Oh God do I need a drink now.

  52. GOPCrusher

    Just when you think Bible Spice cannot surpass herself for stupidity, she raises the bar once again.

  53. lulzmonger

    Concern-troll is deeply concerned!

    Dry-humping the crisis that you & your adoring legions of yuts helped create (& have been unquietly foaming at the mouth for since 2008) for camwhore-cred = PURE CLASS.

  54. chascates

    If only we'd drill for oil in Alaska we'd have the trillions we need to bomb the browns and buy the survivors Bibles!

  55. owhatever

    Lou Sarah made it through a whole week without saying something so stupid that could get national publicity (The Donald trumped her). Thank goodness she struck back just under the wire. Palin-Trump. Trump-Palin. Pleeeeze.

  56. StarsUponThars

    <heavy sigh>

    One more time Sarah: selling cunts. Oops, I meant spelling counts. See what happens when you don't get the letters right?

  57. Graham Cracker

    Won't a gubmint shutdown pretty much close down the State of Alaska. Maybe the Moose Queen will be locked in some National Park and won't be able to get out for a while.

  58. anniegetyerfun

    Weird, it's ALMOST as if the troops are being used as a pawn in a cynical game of political chess or something.

  59. GOPCrusher

    Maybe Bible Spice is right. A government shutdown has never occurred when a white man was President.

  60. SkinnyNerd

    So this is like a long winded essay in the Tea Party world. I wonder how many of them managed to read through the whole thing.

  61. Negropolis

    She really is this horrible, huh?

    Seriously, Sarah? Are you this fucking desperate for attention? Stupid knut.

  62. ttommyunger

    No, really! She is totally unaware that everybody but her actually takes an Oath of Office (like our Service Men and Women) seriously. She thinks everybody can and should just walk away if the grass looks a little greener somewhere else. Her lack of introspection and intellectual vapidity make Dubya look downright normal, almost.

  63. thefrontpage

    Years ago, when Sarah Palin was working as a spy for the Kenya Muslim Islamic Revolutionary Terrorist Group (KMIRTG), Todd Palin, while accompanying her on an undercover mission, had a torrid affair–affairs are always torrid–with Kenyan female member of KMIRTG. Their love child is now an illegal alien working in the administration of Arizona Governor Jan Brewer, working as a national security adviser to Brewer, handling top-secret, clandestine issues and documents every day. Meanwhile, Palin and Trump used to be spies for KMIRTG for years, working together as undercover terrorists. Neither Sarah Trump nor Donald Trump were born in the U.S. Both are illegal aliens.

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