an critical man

Uh Oh: Ben Quayle In Charge of Our Earthquake Preparedness

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A true disaster:
At 6 in the morning? Somebody's messing with Ben again.
Time to move away from those fault lines. There’s no way you’re safe now. If it’s humanly possible to cause earthquakes, that will probably be the result of this. Obviously, this is an crisis. [Twitter]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • LouBristol
  • Barbara_i

    Japan got struck again yesterday with an earthquake. Oddly enough, the rape, meth and batshit crazy capitol of the world, Wasilla remained unscathed. I am starting to think that there is no God.

    • nounverb911

      Japan's God of Earthquakes is busy right now. When he gets some spare time he'll concentrate on Wasilla.

    • V572..whatever

      They're still recovering from the Big One. Nine-point-two, suckahs, with "ground liquefaction"!

      • ShaveTheWhales

        And a whole bluff-load of beautiful-view houses deposited on the shore below.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Oh there is…he's just a prick.

    • zhubajie

      Being themselves is punishment enough

  • OkieDokieDog

    Obviously this is a twatter mistake. Ben was assigned to chair the subcommittee on earth quacks.

    • dr_giraud

      So he's the new voice of the Aflack duck, too?

  • nounverb911

    "Uh Oh: Ben Quayle In Charge of Our Earthquake Preparedness"
    But who will protect us from Quayl?

    • GOPCrusher

      And isn't the term "earthquak"?

  • simplyblue7

    ah, so that's how Los Angeles will break away from the rest of America and become an island.

    • Gopherit

      Because an Arizonan, who has absolutely no experience in earthquakes, but with Dan Quayle's genes, will be helping us prepare for earthquakes? If I were in LA, I'd be pushing off the San Andreas to make it an Island. The City-State of Los Angeles.

  • SayItWithWookies

    So anyone living near New Madrid, MO should get the hell out right now.

    • Crank_Tango

      or not, depending on who you are. Is it near rush's hometown?

      • V572..whatever

        Actually yes!

  • JustPixelz

    His announcement is 9.0 on the We're Fucked Scale.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    How do these assignments get made? WTH does Ben know about earthquake preparedness–he'd be better off spending his time teaching old man Grassley how to tweet. At least Ben's tweet is readable.

    • freakishlywrong

      Heck of a job, retardie…

  • SorosBot

    His big plan will be to prevent god from punishing us by outlawing television shows from featuring successful single mothers.

  • Gopherit

    Something tells me this will result in several churches getting grants for Jesus prayer circles to save us from the unholy ground demons. It's not like the USGS was doing much better anyway. NO WELFARE FOR SCIENTISTS!

    • SorosBot

      Then I'll demand we go back further, and bring back the practices of sacrificing horses to appease Poseidon and prevent his wrath.

      • trampndirtdown

        I vote for the Astarte Temple prostitutes to ensure crop fertility… what the hell it probably doesn't work, but it couldn't hurt to try.

  • SexySmurf

    As a resident of Seattle, I can now sleep soundly knowing that Dan Quayle's son from the middle of Buttfuck Arizona is on the case.

    • weejee

      Our beloved Bolshevik Representative Jim McDermott will keep Quayle from turning C'Addle into mashed potatoez.

    • emmelemm

      Do we have a whole thread of Seattle residents here? Love and fists to all!

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        It is kind of scary how many posters are from the Puget Sound Region. And, heck, Lascaux hasn't even checked in. There might be more of us from this area that post here than any other area than DC. Just another reason Ken should fly out everyone to Seattle for a major party.

        I just figure that we thought this blog was about the real Washington and got stuck.

        • emmelemm

          It is a little scary…

          Also scary: how much time I've begun spending on the Wonkette because it's the only way I can drown my sorrows. Because of that, I vaguely seem to recall that the Olympic Peninsula caveman mentioned something about being on a trip for a week or something and not being able to Wonk.

          Other posters who leap to mind as having outed themselves as Seattlites: OneDollarJuana, and the person who has an avatar with the Seattle skyline with the British flag behind it…

          • trampndirtdown

            I believe Anniegetyourfun is a King county type too.

  • nounverb911

    Doesn't everyone die at the end of "Earthquake"?

  • CliveWarren

    Ben's committee will end up prosecuting Andy Richter…

  • freakishlywrong

    This is about as stupid as putting Bobby Jindal in charge of volcano monitoring.

    • Crank_Tango

      I was only in charge of earthquakes…not soonammies.

    • GOPCrusher

      Not if you're looking for a good reason to completely defund seismic monitoring. Jeebus will protect the Righteous.

  • Hatrabbit

    I know some tectonic plates that are feeling very creeped out right now.

    • jus_wonderin

      Pangea or GTFO.

  • MistaEko

    Skyscrapers with no structural bearings or dampeners for everyone!

  • Rosie_Scenario

    Quayle should be on a committee dealing with child welfare. That campaign ad featuring him and someone else's children was great.

  • weejee

    The sea wall is more the problem as it would go first.

    • Beowoof

      Well that is a cheery little apocalypse.

  • Callyson

    Welcome to California, where if the radiation from Japan doesn't get you, the earthquake "preparation" from Quayle will…

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Well, he is really shaky.

  • freakishlywrong

    Ben Quayle will knock the hell out of those earthquakes.

  • jus_wonderin


    "Pat, I would like to buy an O."

  • hagajim

    We're doomed!

    • vulpes82

      What's sad is you could make this exact comment on every Wonkette thread, and it would be totally appropriate.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    The nice thing is that when the viaduct finally collapses, I'll have a good excuse to take a day off from work.

  • magnetite

    Dandad must have bought beachfront property in Arizona and got tired of waiting for the value to go up.

  • widestanceroman

    If I lived near fault lines, I'd be replacing my roof with cotton batting right now.

    Damn thing is, being a Republican, when the big one hits, it won't be his fault (I should be smacked for that, but an upfist will do for now).

  • OneYieldRegular

    I have to give Junior kudos that he's not demanding live testimony from fetuses on this issue (yet), but god these Republicans are slow. I mean, wasn't earthquake preparedness "critical" *before* the devastation in Japan? And isn't his entire party in the process of dismantling whatever funding might make actual "earthquake preparedness" feasible?

    • arihaya

      yup, Ben might never heard of a city called San Francisco

    • zhubajie

      Wait till we find out what he means by "preparedness"; tithing to some evangelist perhaps?

  • vulpes82

    Stock up on potatoes and other people's children, the Big One's gonna hit soon now!

  • fartknocker

    For some reason when I see Dan's face I always think "dude, your nose is kinda goofy – it looks like the South Pacific Induction Zone along the Pan-Asian fault line."

    Danny will be just fine. If he has questions he can always call John Boy McCain who spent a number of years in Vietnam and probably experienced an earthquake.

    Snark off, this shit pisses me off. In the US we have a program called NEHRP (National Earthquake Hazard Reduction Program), which is consortium of some of the world's smartest geophysicists, geologists, structural engineers, and materials experts who continue to study and improve construction practices in seismically active areas. How is it that a shit bag from AZ whose claim to fame was to create a website showing 20-something women drinking in bars in Scottsdale while flashing their breasts… in charge of a committee like this? Oh yeah, I remember why – he's a fucking Teabagger and will want to defund NEHRP and the FEMA Urban Search and Rescue Teams because they are expensive and earthquakes don't happen.

  • Poindexter718

    OK, Bobby Jindal, I take it back: you're free–nay, encouraged–to derisively mock government efforts at disaster preparedness.

  • Andrew Drinker

    And with that news, I think it's time to start my weekend bender.

  • arihaya

    this is, basically, GOP's way of telling California and the rest of Left Coast (which is tectonic hotspots) to fuck off and die

  • poncho_pilot

    well, he does say "AN critical issue." but i'm just picking nits.

  • chascates

    Clearly, tax reduction is the best way to prepare for earthkwakes.

    • GOPCrusher

      Is there anything that sweet, sweet tax cuts won't cure?

  • johnnymeatworth

    Why not Carole King? She feels the earth move under her feet, after all.

  • DaRooster

    Good thing this has only become an issue after what happened in Japan.

  • assistantatlas

    John Boehner must be wearing his Bad Idea Jeans or something.

    • Limeylizzie

      I am peeing myself at that comment and I really don't know why, I am actually crying with laughter.

  • BklynIlluminati

    Does this mean more quicker deaths and less aftermath suffering?

  • iburl

    Wow, is it possible to trigger an earthquake from sheer ineptitude and nepotism?

  • PsycWench

    "I'm about to high chair a subcommitee…"
    I'm sure this is what he meant.

  • trampndirtdown

    Nothing a good abortion re re re defunding bill won't fix.

  • mavenmaven

    He can see Japan from his house, obviously.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    You can't do anything about earthquakes. Which is why Quayle is perfect for the job.

  • ttommyunger

    This mouth-breather is living proof that genes and chromosomes can be cruel to the extreme. Too bad daddy found the right hole for once. Daddy's stupid and mommy's ugly squared and put in one disgusting skin sack.

  • Lost_Teabaggers

    Unfortunately liberals Wasilla seems to be out of harms way of Alaskan natural death…it's too far away from the active volcanoes (though a truly massive eruption could cover it in ash) and it's not closely located enough to the coast to get hammered by anything but a truly massive earthquake off the Aluetians. That being said…it is Wasilla, and there could be dormant faults nearby that could rupture…we're still finding those all over the place. But liberals…there IS a place that could level a good portion of the South: the New Madrid fault zone in Missouri. There's also a fault at the bottom of the Mississippi which could nail Louisianna…and there's enough nuke plants in those areas that if either fault let off a big one ala Japan we'd be looking at Fukushima x X. So, while the methbillies probably would escape harm…the megachurches could easily get leveled…that's at least something, right?