barry can you hear me?

Barry Has a Hot Staff

In Jesus name we do pray, amenz. This column is a tribute to the handsomest man on Earth, Barack Hussein Syriana Obama, but it is also an ode to our nation’s finest pornographic weekly serial, West Wing Week. Come now, and fap away as I unveil the newest seductive visual pleasures from this hot, frothy source of political propaganda.

On Friday, Barry went to our nation’s second-most worthless state, Maryland, to visit a UPS shipping facility. That sounds exactly like my worst nightmare. Maryland and Delaware are the hairy taint between the states that matter and the states where you go on vacation when you live in the states that matter. Later that day, our prezzydent met with the new ambassador to Sudan. The dude’s name is Princeton Lyman. He is old and probably very nice, but I am fairly certain his dead parents were the most pretentious fucking people ever to walk this earth. Maybe his little sister is named Yale, like in the Gossip Girl books! SQUEEE!

West Wing Week has no information about what Barack Obama did from Saturday through Monday. This is because Barry was on a SECRET SPACE MISSION! Watch private footage leaked to Wonkette here.

On Tuesday, April 5th, it was time for a sexy load of BOEHNER JAMZ! That fucking orange pussy bitch whined that the $73 billion in cuts to which Bam Bamz agreed did not line up specifically with his pretty pretty princess dreams of which $73 billion in cuts he wanted. When you eat the decomposing flesh of murdered abortion providers for dinner, you lose a certain capacity for logic and reasoning. Also, you turn a fetching hue not unlike that of the common supermarket clementine.

Also on Tuesday, there was an OH HEY LOOK IT IS MY BOYFRIEND, Oval Office Operations Hottie Brian Mosteller, at 2:20. Seriously, could this kid be cuter? I can’t. I really can’t handle it. Somebody tell him to call a bish.

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Jesus, Tuesday was busy. Shimon Peres showed up for an AIPAC circle jerk, and guess who ate the ookie cookie? That’s right, PALESTINE. Hey, why not balance the budget by cutting some of the stupider and least necessary aid to Israel? No? Okay, cool.

On Wednesday, it was wind turbine o’clock at a factory in Pennsylvania. Get a load of the hot wind turbine worker man at 3:13!

Anyway, next week is the One Year Anniversary of Official White House Videographer Arun Chaudhary’s magnum opus, and if you think your authoress is not going to crash his planned celebratory livechat at WhiteHouse.gov next Thursday at 5 p.m., you are so, so wrong.

Have a fabulous weekend, godless liberal heathens. You are all unworthy of Barack Obama’s love, but he will still love you, for he is infinitely good and wise. If you desire to see your Nellie Bly-esque kkkolumnista in person, head up to Boston to see her expound on things at the National Conference on Media Reform. All of your favorite progressive microcelebrities will be there, including your precious Nancy Pelosi and your beloved Amy Goodman. Now go smoke a bowl or a pole, because these are your favorite terrible activities.

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About the author

Sara Benincasa is an award-winning comedian, writer and radio talk show host. Her outspoken, sexually-charged comedy has won praise from the Chicago Tribune, CNN, The Guardian, and The New York Times, and has earned her an ECNY (Emerging Comedian of New York) Award and a Webby nomination. Her memoir, "Agorafabulous!: Dispatches From My Bedroom," (William Morrow/HarperCollins), was based on her critically acclaimed solo show about panic attacks and agoraphobia. She is currently working on a novel for young adults.

View all articles by Sara Benincasa

Hola wonkerados.

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72 comments

  1. Gopherit

    I'm afraid you will have to leave helping handle his hot staff to Michelle……still, a girl can dream.

  2. SorosBot

    Shimon Peres showed up for an AFLAC circle jerk? Maybe they'll pick him and Gilbert Godfried's replacement.

  3. Crank_Tango

    I never manage to actually read these things, but I look forward to them nonetheless.

  4. Boojum_Reborn

    Sarah, I have a hot staff for you…OK, so a lukewarm pencil….would you believe a cold toothpick?

    1. Lost_Teabaggers

      Yeah seriously…think she's abusive now, wait until she see's you've mispelled her name…it's okay mistress Benincasa, we're all good, I promise! (call my family and tell them to buy me a good cemetary plot for this insolence…)

  5. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Seeing the Presidents itinerary for the week makes you realize just how boring his job must be, and what assholes you have to meet with. Not to mention that I'm pretty sure that Boehner gives off more radiation than a Japanese nuclear plant.

    1. wondering where i am

      I love it that the Boner looks so unhappy, but Barry is smiling like he is just so warm and gracious. That is the only satisfaction that I can take from this whole shut down the government clusterfuck–that Boner has a frowny face.

  6. ifthethunderdontgetya

    Maryland and Delaware are the hairy taint between the states that matter…

    So this makes Miss U.S.A. a lady lying on her tummy with her head pointed at the South Pole? Otherwise, I don't think you can explain New Jersey.
    ~

  7. Barbara_i

    I checked out the wind turbine worker in his suit and glasses with the heavy frames. I found him to be more "Lois" than "Clark", if ya know what I mean. That's okay, we need gay men so that my fat bitch sister will have someone to dance with.

    Thanks for the fap-o-rama. Some of these guys were getting a little twitchy and needed a good pipe cleaning.

        1. Limeylizzie

          Where do you live? I really feel that you and I should cause some trouble on the hoof , some fine day.

          1. SaraJBenincasa

            I used to live in Las Cruces, NM. Where intellectual discourse goes to die. Hence, this kkkolumn!

          2. ttommyunger

            Albuquerque and Las Cruces, otherwise know as the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk". Sorry girls, continue…

  8. MistaEko

    Maryland and Delaware are the hairy taint between the states that matter and the states where you go on vacation when you live in the states that matter.

    Methinks this taint needs to be expanded to The Virginias and Jersey. Or Sara needs to vacation in Cali.

    1. SorosBot

      New Jersey: you're gonna have to drive through it, and they'll make sure you pay big-time for it.

    2. harry_palmer

      "Maryland and Delaware are the hairy taint between the states that matter."

      The hairy taint is the ONLY thing that matters.

  9. slithytoves

    Had some difficulty in spotting the hot wind turbine worker man, surely you couldn't be referring to the CEO? Double breasted suits are generally a turnoff for me, but the young man who was asking a question a few seconds earlier looked like he could last all night. He can spin my turbine any time.

  10. SayItWithWookies

    Wow, Obama's busier than a long-tailed cat in a rocking chair factory. Also, that wind turbine place looks suspiciously like a Home Depot. And if I had to hang out with Harry Reid and John Boehner for three days straight, Williamsburg would be a small patch of scorched earth by the time I was done. Oh, and Mr. President, as long as you're there, make sure to hop the Governor's Palace wall and smoke a bowl in the garden. It's sort of a tradition if you're there.

  11. HonkIfYouLikeCookies

    Is it wrong that I view Barry as a sexy young Dumbledore (or is it simply weird)?

  12. Tommmcattt

    Why thank you Sara, I believe I will help myself to both a bowl AND a pole! How kind of you!

    1. SaraJBenincasa

      We're all just jerking each other off into each other's mouths under a giant poster of Lenin, aktooally.

  13. freakishlywrong

    I try, I really do to be all mad at Barry, (disappointed), and then you realize how bright he and his hot staff are and how hard he works and all the shit that rains down on him constantly, from every where and I give it a break.

    1. harry_palmer

      The thing that drives me crazy tho is how great he could be if he'd just drop the Willie Loman schtick. But he definitely needs a porcelain umbrella.

  14. BlueStateLibel

    "Godless heathen liberals"…I get worse from my own family. Somebody's getting soft on us worthless wonkette scum.

  15. Gopherit

    I am surprised by the lack of commenters asking how they can get on Barry's hot staff. Perhaps our wonkette is developing some reverence for the office.

  16. Ducksworthy

    This is not about abortion people. We're way beyond that. This is about denying access to any birth control for any woman. And to tell you the truth, they hate condoms too. Welcome to The Handmaid's Tale.

  17. weejee

    OT

    The Senate D'Rats are having a newz conference. Live blogging
    Harry Reid hits the Rs that they are holding up the budget simply to pull all Title X money to Planned Parenthood

    The realz Warshington's Sen. Patty Murry, kicks R'tards in their trucknutz, that the shutdown is for the Rs to take away "women's rights in this country."

    1. SayItWithWookies

      You know the GOP has painted itself into a corner when the craziest member of the Tea Party, Allen West, calls on Boehner to drop the anti-pap-smear rider.

      1. weejee

        Yer right Wookie, it is a smear campaign.

        These bozos won't be happy 'til the government has no controls on business and 100% control on every women's reproductive plumbing.

  18. fuflans

    ambassador to sudan? did princeton piss off michelle or something?

    i really need a job but i don't know if i'd take that one.

  19. problemwithcaring

    "Now go smoke a bowl or a pole, because these are your favorite terrible activities."

    Pursuing these two activities is how I spend 90% of my free time. Thank you, Sara. Finally a voice for the voiceless.

  20. pinkocommi

    Calling Boehner a fucking orange pussy bitch is an insult to fucking, to oranges, to pussies and to bitches.

  21. weejee

    Microphallus the downfister is again giving Ken more page views. This troll does not understand economics. But that is not surprising as the troll's heros, the Repubes and the teatards, clearly do not understand economics. Keep clicking Ken's page count button M. Troll.

  22. edywin2

    Is the government shut yet? Cause I need a case of Cheetos, man, this is some sweet Michoacan wrapped around the love staff of this former Office Depot employee turned White House Oval Office Operations Manager. The American people want jobs now! Rim jobs!
    Cause we are librul and cain spel

  23. harry_palmer

    You know, I think spunk-fisty has figured out a program to automatically downfist comments when they appear. If he really has that kind of talent, it comes at the heavy price of zero interpersonal skills. I guess we should be glad he's not out shooting up schools.

  24. lulzmonger

    Look out, Chaudhary – Benincasa is going to JUST COLD DROP ON YOU & proceed to systematically CUT YOUR SHIT UP BAD.

    PS: Sara + taint-talk = pure chewing satisfaction!

  25. SaraJBenincasa

    Alas, I did not invent it. I believe Jonah Peretti did. Or maybe he said "microfamous." Or maybe someone on the Gawker did. Wait! I think I DID invent "microcelebrities!"

  26. DeeJayKitteh

    Now go smoke a bowl or a pole, because these are your favorite terrible activities.

    I prefer a drink and the pink, but hey…to each their own.

    1. DeeJayKitteh

      This you downfist, too? Careful troll…people will start thinking you're a teetotalling ghey.

  27. Lost_Teabaggers

    it's cool Sara…you can come to the west coast, smoke a bowl and my pole…and yes, those are my favorite activities next to tree humping and koch-blocking. You know what they say, right? The east coast gives you hyper tension but the West is smooth and mellow…hell, just the pot fumes from Eugene alone is enough to keep this entire state baked and that's how we like it.

    You know, it's nice to live in a semi-sane state, especially being this close to California. Oh sure, we have our regressive wingnuts, but they have the good sense to not go anywhere near Portland, Eugene or Corvallis and thus we prosper. Even the teabagger tide in 2010 meant little to us in Oregon, we re-elected Kitzhaber and our senators are Ron Widen and Jeff Merkley; in fact the best those fucktards could do was split the legislature…you can thank us for David Wu, even our deranged Congress critters are less dangerous that "sane" Republicans. By the way, when the GOP collapses the rest of the country, we'll be willing to join up with California and Washington and create a gang that can pick on Idaho, Utah, Nevada, and Nex Mexico. Don't fuck with us, wingnuts…we totally outnubber you out here.

      1. Lost_Teabaggers

        Meth here is our way of sobering up from all our weed when douchebags come for a visit…like loofah boy O'Reilly. We couldn't hang around him stoned! He'd kill our buzz by being same lame and…what was I gonna say? Oh yeah, he's tarded. Also, having a slight meth uh…problem isn't as bad as you might think. Sure, it's an indication of teabagger infestation with much the same function of mouse shit in your pantry (except mice don't drive scooters and have far fewer diseases)…but really, since as I said teabaggers keep out of the cities (except for that time they came to Salem, that is..but Salem hardly counts as a city)…most normal, non mutated humans never come in contact with it.

        So, to sum up our meth problem as Reagan once said about AIDS in 1988…"huh?"…yep, that's our policy.

  28. Negropolis

    Barry went to our nation’s second-most worthless state

    Miss Sara, this begs a question. Don't leave us hanging on like that.

    Surely, the most worthless state is Mississippi, no? It's America's Zimbabwe (minus their high level of development).

    BTW, I'm jealous. I have a hot staff, too; what's my prize? Well, besides having a hot staff, of course.

  29. ttommyunger

    Not only is his staff hot, Sara, it is rumored among Republicans to be HUGE! Which is another reason they hate him so. Could explain why Michelle is always smiling that special smile and Repug wives all look like they were weaned on a pickle; make that Gherkin.

  30. gullywompr

    So Sara, instead of repeatedly washing my hands and flicking the light switch off and on over and over, I've taken to trending your use of the word "fuck" across your postings. It is my unpleasant duty to report that this week you are down from six to only two.

    I think you know how fragile the US American economy is right now, and I feel I should remind you that we simply can't sustain these sorts of cutbacks. Despite my willingness to compromise, every week you move the goalposts, and there are fewer fucks. We are near a total fucking shutdown, which would be inexcusable. Please don't leave us in a position next week where not one fuck is given.

    That's why I'm inviting you to my house for frank and open meetings, working through the night to break the impasse and hammer out a fucking deal. As patriots, we owe that to the US American people. Thank you.

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