WHEW  11:28 pm April 7, 2011

Don’t Worry, Congress Will Still Get Paid During Gov’t Shutdown

by Ken Layne

Suck it, Lady Trebek.Just in case you were super concerned about how Michele Bachmann and John Boehner and Louie Gohmert and Joe Barton and the rest of America’s corrupt lunatic wingnut legislators would survive the Government Shutdown, don’t worry! They can still get paid, and they probably will — unpaid furloughs are for the commoners, hahahahahahaha. “Lawmakers would continue to get paid during a shutdown, unless the full Congress voted otherwise. Both the House and Senate have voted to suspend their own pay during a shutdown, but as part of legislation that has not passed the other chamber,” reports the communist newsletter the Wall Street Journal.

But this might “look bad,” so the millionaires who perform in Congress will either pass some law to skip their salaries or maybe they’ll just give the money to “charity” or whatever, hahaha.

On Thursday, some lawmakers said they didn’t believe they should keep their salaries during a shutdown. West Virginia Sen. Joe Manchin, a Democrat, urged his colleagues to return such pay to the Treasury or give it to charity. “I can’t imagine that the president, vice president or any member of Congress—Republican or Democrat—thinks they should get paid when the government has shut down,” Mr. Manchin said.

Poor U.S. representatives! They might have to live off the interest in their PAC petty cash accounts for a couple of weeks. But their top staffers will stay on salary, so somebody’s around to sign for the boxes of money from the Koch Brothers. [WSJ]

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Hola wonkerados.

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HalluxValgus April 7, 2011 at 11:31 pm

Thank god, otherwise Sean Duffy might have to go back to professional lumberjacking (which is Wisconsin-speak for gay porn, I assume)

memzilla April 7, 2011 at 11:32 pm

Salary Squirmish FAIL.

memzilla April 7, 2011 at 11:34 pm

Actually, this would be the perfect time to institute merit pay based on performance.


sati_demise April 7, 2011 at 11:51 pm

As a matter of fact, why yes, yes it would be the perfect time.

SayItWithWookies April 7, 2011 at 11:35 pm

It goes without saying. How could the Republicans be expected to conduct a fair fight if their own actions affected them personally? In a negative way, at least.

hooray4anything April 8, 2011 at 2:02 am

Now, where would the fun in being a Republican be if you did something negative that affected you personally?

bokononista April 7, 2011 at 11:35 pm

My dog licking my toes right now makes a bigger impact than these douches.

[redacted]hse April 7, 2011 at 11:40 pm

Your dog licking his balls would have a bigger impact on them personally, though.

AKHottie April 8, 2011 at 5:22 am

And you know who else had a ball licking dog. Or was that a ball licking bitch? I'm confused. Never mind. Carry on.

Angry_Marmot April 8, 2011 at 9:02 am

You'd better pet him first, he looks kinda mean.


[redacted]hse April 7, 2011 at 11:36 pm

And that's not to mention the boxes of votes from Wisconsin. Oh wait- Kathy Nickolaus (that saint) already signed for those.

Crank_Tango April 7, 2011 at 11:47 pm

Yeah would you imagine that? I found exactly enough votes in a spreadsheet on my computer. Simple human error, that.

Negropolis April 7, 2011 at 11:51 pm

I saw her speaking on television. Bless her heart; she's an idiot. I'm almost to the point of where I could believe someone of her…let's say…mental capacity could actually "lose" that many votes. Probably a little from column a and a little from column b, though. She's probably both stupid and corrupt. They often come in twos.

memzilla April 8, 2011 at 12:03 am

Who knew that Kitty Harris had a sister in WIsconsin?

Walkinwiddaking April 8, 2011 at 9:24 am

Man, that face. I had forgotten how hideous Ms. Harris is. Kind of a cross between Michelle Bachman and Mary Matlin.

Terry April 8, 2011 at 6:34 am

This supposedly is not the first time she did this, too. Why is she still in that job?

James Michael Curley April 8, 2011 at 8:34 am

She stated is was a 'fault' in an Access Database Template. What exactly that means, I don';t know. But I blame Bill Gates for the whole mess.

not that Dewey April 7, 2011 at 11:53 pm

Damn! from the Commie NYT:

According to The A.P., Ms. Nickolaus was granted immunity in 2002 in a criminal investigation into illegal acts by members of the Republican Caucus in the State Assembly, where she had worked as a data analyst and computer specialist. Before being appointed to the court in 1998, Justice Prosser served as a Republican in the Assembly, and rose to be speaker.

Nothing to see here.

GOPCrusher April 8, 2011 at 12:30 am

I'm beginning to have hope that Scott Walker will not survive to see a full blown recall election in November.
Sounds like there is enough "probable cause" that AG Holder may have to start an investigation.
But then, there was enough "probable cause" to start an investigation into the Bush Administration for war crimes.

EdFlintstone April 8, 2011 at 12:45 am

Holder is really flying under the radar in terms of doing nothing. If only there was some probable cause of white collar crime on Wall Street to investigate……I guess we'll never know.

fartknocker April 8, 2011 at 12:37 am

In her defense, those fucktards at Microsoft really made MS Office Professional into a software package designed for visually challenged people who think Excel makes pretty graphs. I'm still tweaking my toolbars to make the shit work.

Ms. Nickolaus is nothing more than enabling player in the destruction of the middle class. The post from not that Dewey challenges her credability. She forget to use the "save" button? Does she think we're that stupid? Hell, she knows she can program the software to Autosave.

I sound like a geek. I'm done for today. Back to the liquor cabinet for some Jack Daniels (on sale this week at Twin Liquors in Austin) and I'm turning up my Ray LaMontane CD to 70 on the Bose while queing up Sheryl Crow.

Fight the honest fight Wisconsin. We're sending you checks.

not that Dewey April 8, 2011 at 12:46 am

And don't even get me started on Office 2007. WHERE DID ALL THE FUCKING MENUS GO?

Software illiteracy is a convenient excuse for corruption immunity.

SayItWithWookies April 8, 2011 at 12:57 am

If you could find stuff, you'd just go and use it. And then the folks at Microsoft would have to make it work. Or update the help files so you could figure it out yourself. And nobody wants to do that.

GunToting[Redacted] April 8, 2011 at 10:06 am

A former colleague of mine (a Microsoft hater par excellence), when asked what he thought of Office 2007 – "It contains all the things I hate about Office 2003, but now I can't find them."

bagofmice April 8, 2011 at 10:10 am

ALT key, yo.

not that Dewey April 8, 2011 at 12:47 am

I'll see your Jack Daniels and Sheryl Crow and raise you one Jameson's and Calexico.

fartknocker April 8, 2011 at 12:58 am

I sir, want to share some fine whisky with you and the album titled "The List" by Roseanne Cash. Calexico is a great band and I just ordered Circo.

sati_demise April 8, 2011 at 1:13 am

oh, someone else loves Calexico……!

undeterredbyreality April 8, 2011 at 1:18 am

A couple of Ol' Rasputin Stouts and Robbie Robertson's brand new album here.

EdFlintstone April 8, 2011 at 12:27 am

Somehow I see Nickolaus resigning her post a few months from now due to "stress" and after a brief hiatus, she magically accepts a lucrative position with one of the Koch's front groups.

hooray4anything April 8, 2011 at 2:09 am

Jesus, F'ing Christ, she's claiming that she took all the vote totals, saved them onto her and ONLY her computer and then screwed up trying to import them into Access. Seriously? Either she's pulling one of the great election scams in history (well, since 2004) or she's an utter idiot. An entire election could….COULD…come down to some lady's inability to master basic Microsoft Office programs. And also because she thought nothing wrong with keeping all of the election totals on HER OWN COMPUTER.

World's Greatest Democracy my ass.

Terry April 8, 2011 at 6:36 am

or both

finallyhappy April 8, 2011 at 9:31 am

This is kind of similar to how we kept the votes for school president in Elementary school in the 50's- well, we didn't have a computer- but we did have a big box where you put your votes and someone got to count them.

bagofmice April 8, 2011 at 10:11 am

Single point of failure/fraud.

OkieDokieDog April 7, 2011 at 11:39 pm

Oh no they don't. I signed a petition politely asking Speaker Bohener to give up his/their salary if the government shuts down.

Maybe though I shouldn't have called him a weepy Bonehead Oompa Loompa drunk… no haha he is.

Guppy06 April 8, 2011 at 12:13 am

Petition? There's more to ignore in the First Amendment than just free speech and separation of church and state.

Negropolis April 7, 2011 at 11:41 pm

No thread on the election shenanigans unraveling in Wisconsinistan/Cheeselandia? Fuck that shit, yo. I formally call shenanigans.

Oh, yeah, some Democrat should sponsor some bill that in the event of a shutdown, no Congresscritter gets a check, blah, blah, blah…optics…blah, blah, blah…fairness, and so forth. I really couldn't care any less. It's the most insidery of inside baseball.

EDIT: I stopped being lazy and see that Joe Manchin is involved in this. Fuck it. I'm against anything that smug, leather-faced bastard is for. Yeah, I'm going to be that immature about it. I hate that self-righteous fucker.

Crank_Tango April 7, 2011 at 11:53 pm

I second your shenanigans, and would like to add shenanigans calling to the pig's foot received by Pete King (R), Douchebagistan, Long Island.

weejee April 8, 2011 at 8:32 am

Fucking Faux Nation's boldfaced lying headline read:
BUSTED: Bloody Pig's Foot Sent by Racist Muslim

I suspect Pastor Terry Jones sent the wee giftie. Either him or Rupert Murdoch.

memzilla April 7, 2011 at 11:59 pm

I would like to request, Mr. Speaker, that all members have five business days in which to submit written comments and other extraneous material. And moar douchebaggery.

SmutBoffin April 8, 2011 at 12:00 am

Republican officials in charge of counting vote for Waukesha county are either corrupt or incompetent.

From 2010.

SayItWithWookies April 8, 2011 at 12:03 am

Oh no, that lady knows exactly what she's talking about. I mean, check out her lucid and sensible analysis of what she did wrong that made those 14,000 votes disappear:

"On election night, all the people that were to bring in spreadsheets, they were given a spreadsheet template," said Nickolaus. "They were asked not to change that template. When the city of Brookfield results came in on election night, extra columns were put into that spreadsheet, which would have been a problem if I had tried to import that in." Thus, she said she called them and stressed the importance of preserving the template.

"I saved them, but when I imported them into the Access database, I thought that they were saved at that time, and didn't have any real reason to believe they weren't. We used this program for the November election and the February election without any problem. So I thought we could use it again without any problem."

Trannysurprise April 8, 2011 at 12:45 am

This is like the time I found a huge cock in my ass. I was just laying in bed one time, thinking about how bad it was to have not scored at all on a Friday night at the Capitol Lounge, and bam, I found a huge cock in my ass.

Just like that – everything changed.

imissopus April 8, 2011 at 1:38 am

Yeah, it's not like she could have deleted the extra columns or just gone through and copied the data into a blank copy of the template to make sure everything was getting into the right place. Seriously, extra columns on a spreadsheet? Whatever.

hooray4anything April 8, 2011 at 2:11 am

They could have just hired a temp for 8 bucks an hour who would have known how to do the spread sheet. Think of all that money in Government savings there, Teatards.

SayItWithWookies April 8, 2011 at 12:04 am

(part 2, dammit)

BTW, if that looks like she's trying to baffle you with bullshit but would be willing to give her a pass on because you're not sure exactly what's wrong about it? It's because that's exactly what she's aiming to do.

She's counting votes by putting them together in a way that she can't explain. I know the software she's using and 1) she shouldn't be using Access that way to count something as sensitive as votes, and 2) who the hell doesn't use actual secure software to count and report votes? And they only notice there's a problem if the votes are so close they need to be recounted? Well.

(edit: quote in part 1 can be found here).

smokefilledroommate April 8, 2011 at 12:09 am

'Teh Excel & Access is a hard vote-counting mechonizm. Wish we din't hafta use MS Office Suite to count duh votes'.

JustPixelz April 8, 2011 at 7:32 am

I, for one, congratulate Bill Gates on his future election as President of the United States.

Negropolis April 8, 2011 at 7:41 am

He'd be a helluva lot better than the choices we've had as of the last few decades, that's for damned sure. And a helluva lot more benign, I'd wager.

Crank_Tango April 8, 2011 at 12:13 am

well at any rate, I am willing to put up 20 bucks towards a recount effort, and putting that bitch in jail too. Oops did I call her a bitch? cunt, retard, whatever.

hooray4anything April 8, 2011 at 2:13 am

I'd be a lot more okay with us becoming a Banana Republic if we get the weather that comes with it.

4TheTurnstiles April 8, 2011 at 8:15 am

because that worked so well for Macondo?

Negropolis April 8, 2011 at 11:12 pm

My condo is quite nice, thank you very much.

natl_indecency_cmdr April 8, 2011 at 1:45 am

shenanigans? this is like date-rape. no I'm not sure how exactly, it just is. fuckin buncha fuckin fucks.

natl_indecency_cmdr April 8, 2011 at 1:52 am

what no one will tell you and what no one knows is that there is no actual "town of Brookfield". it's just malls! miles and miles of malls! no one actually lives there!

mumbly_ジョジョ April 8, 2011 at 7:21 am

Actually, this got me thinking. I did some back-of-the envelope calculations, and 14,000 votes, in a city of population of 39600, where 26.8% are under 18?

14,000/(396000*.732)= a voter turnout of 48%, in an election where the statewide average was 33%. And since this is looking at all adults, rather than registered voters, I'm pretty sure this equates to the highest turnout in the entire state (Dane County reached 49% of registered voters). Yeah, just a little fishy there.

Negropolis April 8, 2011 at 11:21 pm

Along with filing a formal complaint of shenanigans, I'd like to add to that filing a complaint of general or specified hijinx.

weejee April 8, 2011 at 8:40 am

On the Wisconsin side the Rethugs found a missing bushel of votes. Where, oh from Brookfield in Waukesha County, natch, that gave 10,859 more votes to Prosser, and 3,456 to Kloppenburg. Milwaukee, can you find a missing bushel or two?

WonderBread Brookfield is where I spent a good part of my youth and on the first Halloween after the very first black family moved in, an adult neighbor went around trick-or-treating in blackface, a grass skirt, and soup bones hanging around his neck introducing himself as our new neighbor.

smokefilledroommate April 7, 2011 at 11:47 pm

…and then Mr. Manchin went back to his mansion.

trampndirtdown April 7, 2011 at 11:47 pm

I only want to say fuck Joe Manchin and his mountain top removing air polluting overlords with a coal miner's lamp.

Barbara_i April 7, 2011 at 11:47 pm

Does Lady Liberty spit or swallow those "huddled masses?" Just curious.

Crank_Tango April 8, 2011 at 12:53 am

I believe they are technically referred to as "puddled masses, sperming to breathe free."

natl_indecency_cmdr April 8, 2011 at 1:58 am

"puddled masses, yearning to squirm free"?

Crank_Tango April 8, 2011 at 2:10 am

let's not get into a sperm squirmish here.

natl_indecency_cmdr April 8, 2011 at 1:52 am

depends on how much money they got.

Zvi_Bleindmeis April 8, 2011 at 8:22 am

Wretched fucking refuse…..

riverside68 April 8, 2011 at 8:40 am

fucking as a verb, not an adjective?
(In my defense I had to google adjective to get the spelling correct.)

facehead April 7, 2011 at 11:47 pm

It is a good thing they are still getting paid, otherwise they'd have to go on strike.

not that Dewey April 7, 2011 at 11:49 pm

"Communist newsletter"? I thought it was a "banking pamphlet".

Oh, and my quasi-socialist employer is staring down the barrel at ~15% layoffs in the event of a shutdown. Whoopee! I guess we'll be moving to North Marianas or wherever so my daughter can stitch soccer balls for $0.30/hr in lieu of a childhood or an education.

CalamityJames April 8, 2011 at 1:42 am

Shit, at least you have a daughter to exploit. Ever try to get a cat to do something for 30 cents?

not that Dewey April 8, 2011 at 2:11 am

I have two cats, and I can't get them to do it for 5 cents.

Sparky_McGruff April 8, 2011 at 8:11 am

Unless the "something" you are referring to is having a cat cough up a hairball on your pillow, sleeping in a basket of clean laundry, or walking across your head in the middle of the night — I'd have to say that in my experience the answer is "not going to happen".

finallyhappy April 8, 2011 at 9:32 am

Hey, I see cats doing smart and funny things on Tv but perhaps they have been tortured into doing said smart/funny things

not that Dewey April 8, 2011 at 9:05 pm

My cats now realize that if they shred the couch fabric (or threaten to shred the couch fabric) or walk on my face at 3:30am, I will "let" them outside, which is what they wanted all along. I haven't had to clean a litter box in about a year.

Once, I applied those "Polish Storm Windows" (it's okay — I'm part Pollack) and my current oldest cat would pop a hole in one of them, then meow "are you gonna get up and let me out yet? No? *POP* etc until I finally got out of bed. She's like a mafia enforcer.

ChessieNefercat April 8, 2011 at 9:57 am

I'll let you know. I think I can get mine to poop next to the clean cat box for 30 cents. Because she does it all the time for free.

Really odd. She says, "Ooh, so nice and clean, smell the fresh feline pine. I don't want to get it dirty." And she poops next it. So for the next couple of days, I scoop it off the floor and throw it in the box until she says "Meh, I might as well poop in that poopy box."

Then I just try to scoop enough so that she won't poop outside the box because it's too dirty, but not so much that she thinks it's too clean to mess up. She's like the Goldilocks of catboxes.

No problems peeing in the box and fluffing those little pellets into fresh smelling sawdust, though!

There, for two minutes I thought of something much more pleasant than Wisconsin elections or congress critters getting paychecks when soldiers might not.

GunToting[Redacted] April 8, 2011 at 10:32 am

If it makes you feel any better, one of our cats will hold it in until we clean the box. She will wait outside the laundry room, and as soon as we finish, she's in the box. We have also never witnessed her eat. We figure she must, since she shits, but never seen her with her head in the food dish.

tessiee April 8, 2011 at 8:44 pm

"one of our cats will hold it in until we clean the box. She will wait outside the laundry room, and as soon as we finish, she's in the box. "

When two of mine were little kitties, we lived in a house with a big wooded yard. To acclimate them, we would let them outdoors for an hour or so at a time. The first couple of times we did this, as soon as we let them back in the house, they would *run* for the litter box and "go" with intensely relieved expressions. PS They eventually figured out that they were allowed to "go" outdoors.

AJW@[redacted] April 8, 2011 at 12:21 pm

My cat, may he rest in peace, used to get in the box, dig around, then hang his ass over the side and shit on the floor. After a few times, he won and I gave him free access to the great outdoors.

ChessieNefercat April 8, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Snort! If only they could read! I always wanted to put a sign over the box. “Ass in, face out!”

DahBoner April 8, 2011 at 12:37 pm

I found out the same way–cats despise that pine litter (it's too strong smelling and covers up the smell of their shit–which cats love).

Go back to the ordinary clumping clay litter. They will go back to their normal routine, too.

Wouldn't be surprised if the pine stuff is just leftovers from a Koch brothers clearcut…

tessiee April 8, 2011 at 8:42 pm

"She says, "Ooh, so nice and clean, smell the fresh feline pine. I don't want to get it dirty." And she poops next it."

Is it possible that she doesn't like the smell of whatever cleanser you're using?

Swampgas_Man April 8, 2011 at 6:47 am

Being hardcore unemployed, I'm left wondering if my desperately needed UC and tax refund checks will be coming.

jaytingle April 8, 2011 at 8:44 am

Don't be so negative. North Marianas offers many opportunities for young women and girls. Many opportunities. Your daughter may have to forego childhood, but she'll receive a world-class education.

not that Dewey April 8, 2011 at 8:50 am

That's what I'm afraid of.

donner_froh April 7, 2011 at 11:49 pm

If Congress doesn't have high pay and gold-played benefits and if they had to suffer along with the 800,000 federal employees who won't get paycheck then we might not attract such gifted, knowledgeable and hard working men and women to pass our laws.

Ha ha ha. Fuck Congress.

MarshallBanana April 8, 2011 at 11:24 am

God, it would be great if they did manage to pass a compromise, and asked those 800,000 federal employees to return to work, and they all just said "no".

sati_demise April 7, 2011 at 11:49 pm

Both the House and Senate have voted to suspend their own pay during a shutdown, but as part of legislation that has not passed the other chamber,”

Well, isn't that 'convenient'?

One might think they were avoiding the issue while providing 'cover' at the same time.

Warpde April 7, 2011 at 11:50 pm

Come on…You really expect them not to get paid after all the fruk'n hard work they have done for the metherican peoples?
What kind of a metherican are you?
Phtttt! My dealer would be so diss'd.

Barbara_i April 7, 2011 at 11:51 pm

Yeah, they get paid while the servicemen and women have to fall back on "don't ask, don't tell, don't expect bread and milk for your family"

donner_froh April 8, 2011 at 12:15 am

Those in the service who are deployed (Iran, Afghanistan, on Navy ships at sea, etc. also get to worry about how their families back in Norfolk or Fayetteville will be doing without getting their pay allotments.

Barbara_i April 8, 2011 at 12:24 am

Are these people under enough stress without this bullshit?

The evening news is on right now and the lead story is "Rep Martin Heinrich may have to find a new place to shower" Screw him!

If the government shuts down it is our DUTY to make sure that the service members kids get to eat, seriously. I will do anything I can for anyone who knows someone who has a child who needs to eat. This shouldn't be allowed to happen.

donner_froh April 8, 2011 at 1:47 am

The Army (all the Armed Services, I am sure) are good at dealing with weird shit like this. A brother of mine is currently deployed–I have been talking with his wife. They are good for money–she works as a nurse–but the 23- year-old E-4s with a kid are looking at trouble. There is a lot the Army–basically the men women in it–can help each other with. It is just a shame that it has to happen.

Barbara_i April 8, 2011 at 2:18 am

I appreciate and thank your brother for his service. Let me know if anyone is in need and I am there for them as they are there for me.

natl_indecency_cmdr April 8, 2011 at 2:01 am

there's a representative named "Martin Heinrich"? didn't we win that war? he is rather striking, though. does he have jackboots?

Barbara_i April 8, 2011 at 2:22 am

Yes, he's the dope, with a soap on a rope, and nowhere to wash his naughty parts once he leaves the comfy zone of his house. Seriously, these dickweeds work up that much of a sweat that they have to shower in the middle of the day?

Mumbletypeg April 7, 2011 at 11:52 pm

In light of the earlier "Don't Tread on Me Bible" thread I offer our hardworking nuisances-in-office:
"iusta libertate nihil aliud verbum superest"
which is Vulgate Vulgar for
"Freedom's just another word for no salaries yet to lose"

(EDIT: this Google translator engine is *waaay* cool)

BarackMyWorld April 8, 2011 at 2:09 am

Instead of changing the national motto from "E pluribus unum" to "In God we trust" in 1956, maybe they should have changed it to "caveat emptor."

weejee April 8, 2011 at 8:43 am

Dulcis. Pearl woulda upfisted you on that.

Hatrabbit April 7, 2011 at 11:55 pm

Lawmakers should get paid during a shut down. Fucking the country is a serious job, and should be rewarded with a living wage and wonderful medical benefits and the promise of a lucrative lobbying job later on.

JustPixelz April 8, 2011 at 7:35 am

They'd have to pay me to be a Repubican.

Negropolis April 8, 2011 at 7:43 am

That's kind of how it is, currently, no?

YeOldeFapSmith April 8, 2011 at 12:05 am

They could always return to their previous careers as carnival barkers and snake oil salesmen.

fuflans April 8, 2011 at 12:08 am

well as long scotus stays open…

i would hate to think clarence and sam and antony might miss an opportunity to stab somebody who's already down.

Schmannnity April 8, 2011 at 12:14 am

As much as the current Congress of both parties is justly despised, I am against anything that would make it less likely for congresspersons to be able to afford Elavil, Haldol, and Lithium.

Guppy06 April 8, 2011 at 12:15 am

Donate the money to charity or return it to the Treasury? I thought those were the same thing.

harry_palmer April 8, 2011 at 12:24 am

If they do still collect their paychecks, they're just being greedy. Like all sex workers, their salaries are only part of the story. The perks and tips they collect from the Koch brothers, defense and banking lobbyists their johns is where the serious money comes from.

JoshuaNorton April 8, 2011 at 12:26 am

Where is the anger people?

(Just so you know, I’m making that whole "Donald Sutherland in Body Snatchers" face as I type this. Obviously, you can’t see that, but I feel like it’s important that you are aware of the fact so you can see just how truly outraged and horrified I am. And how very seriously you should take that.)

Thurman Munster IV April 8, 2011 at 9:00 am

Grrr? My anger sacs are depleted.

twoeightnine April 8, 2011 at 12:29 am

Sean Duffy will be donating his pay to his favorite charity, "I Drive a Used Mini-Van Because the Lord Jesus Christ Won't Let Me Put a Rubber on my Lumber and my Wife's Only Value is Reproducting."

El Pinche April 8, 2011 at 12:29 am

Oh look , it's a Koch brother making throat babies with Breitbart in a lady liberty costume. It's like I'm at teabag rally right now!

BZ1 April 8, 2011 at 12:34 am

She had worked as a data analyst and computer specialist, and didn't know what the "return" key does? Just the right number of votes to prevent a recount or challenge, just sayin'

Terry April 8, 2011 at 6:38 am

Did her father or husband make any political donations prior to her getting this job?

nounverb911 April 8, 2011 at 12:35 am

Or as Darrell Issa puts it: “Just because we want to f**k over the country, in no way should we be in any way inconvenienced by shutting down the government”.

Radio_______ April 8, 2011 at 12:40 am

To be fair, it's hard to make ends meet when you're living ass-to-mouth.

Callyson April 8, 2011 at 1:06 am

You never go ass to mouth! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoRQEQUi9NM

not that Dewey April 8, 2011 at 1:37 am
Radio_______ April 8, 2011 at 2:59 am

You think that's bad, wait until you see his his bill.

DahBoner April 8, 2011 at 12:46 pm

And then your insurance company fights every charge by saying it exceeds the "normal and customary" Ass to Mouth billing rates….

bagofmice April 8, 2011 at 10:18 am

Congressional Centipede?

Barbara_i April 8, 2011 at 12:45 am

The GOPhers will concede if they get their way with Planned Parenthood.
"John Boehner (R-Ohio) made clear that House Republicans would not approve funding for the government if any money were allowed to flow to Planned Parenthood through legislation known as Title X."

Sarah Palin sits at her angry computer and tweets that she supports this move. It's ironic that she harps about the two things she isn't very good at, "planning" and "parenthood"

hooray4anything April 8, 2011 at 2:21 am

You keep fucking that chicken, GOPers. A party made up entirely of old, dumb, white males isn't going to win elections forever.

Barbara_i April 8, 2011 at 2:27 am

Oh, they are going to make sure that the chicken they fucked lays that egg and that they will still get beak-jobs on the side and no one says anything about it.

fartknocker April 8, 2011 at 12:48 am

RE: Wisconsin

Thank you Diabold for your electronic voting system. A voting system based on MS Access? Really?

Fuck me with a twinky.

And downfisters, I see you and raise you my sweaty ball sack. Please feel free to join me for dinner on Saturday – I would love to here your opinions.

Barbara_i April 8, 2011 at 12:53 am

"fuck me with a Twinky"
Do we get to vote for a Hostess Ding Dong?

poncho_pilot April 8, 2011 at 4:03 am

nice zinger.

bagofmice April 8, 2011 at 10:18 am


Fukui_sanYesOta April 8, 2011 at 1:40 am

I thought the same fucking thing. The electoral system is based on importing fucking Excel spreadsheets into Access? That is *fucked up*, man. It takes one weaselly fuck to change a couple of columns and *bam*, close election results changed.

It's just wrong. Wrong on so many levels.

AKHottie April 8, 2011 at 5:24 am

I like twinkies.

Negropolis April 8, 2011 at 6:37 am

We'll re-evaluate you on your love of twinkies after you've been violated with one. lol

AKHottie April 8, 2011 at 7:24 am

Right. One more limp waste of cream. Satisfying for the moment, messy clean up to follow.

Callyson April 8, 2011 at 12:59 am

I say we pay them with chickens. After all, you can pay your doctor's bill with a chicken. At least in Nevada.

JustPixelz April 8, 2011 at 7:38 am

I thought the Repubicans were paid in Goldline certificates.

not that Dewey April 8, 2011 at 1:16 am

O/T, but about a week ago, for ~5 days, all intensedebate notifications were routed to my employer's spamassassin quarantine folder. And then, yesterday, it stopped. Who can explain it? How'd it git dere?

Crank_Tango April 8, 2011 at 1:38 am

I dunno, but I turned off the stalker updates. I got 5 from that asshole yesterday alone.

iburl April 8, 2011 at 1:26 am

Wonkette, when your alt texts says "Lady Trebek" do you mean Lady Gaga Trebek??
Should I ask Rick Sanchez?

undeterredbyreality April 8, 2011 at 1:27 am

At least Boner will have the funds to have all that garbage hauled away.

sati_demise April 8, 2011 at 1:31 am

This is just a dress rehearsal for the real drama in May over raising the debt ceiling.

Now that is gonna be pure comedy gold.

natl_indecency_cmdr April 8, 2011 at 1:43 am

they can steal elections all they want. they won't silence my voice. just as soon as I sober up I'm going to wander up to the capitol and start screaming again. it's been too long. my chant has been improved:

"fucking show me what fucking democracy fucking looks like fuckers!"

AKHottie April 8, 2011 at 5:29 am

I do not recommend being sober while living in this society. So let's have the revolution while drunk and sober up for the after party. Just so we'll remember it and tell the grandkids._

Limeylizzie April 8, 2011 at 6:40 am

I hope that all Wisconsinites(?) of the liberal, or even honest , persuasion are en route to the Capital to scream.I wll be screaming on Saturday, along with some other self-involved actors, in Times Square.

DerrickWildcat April 8, 2011 at 1:59 am


Negropolis April 8, 2011 at 2:35 am

You guys remember the night before last when we were all joking about the need for UN election monitors in Wisconsin? Yeah, not so funny anymore. Third World Democracy, baby.

So help them if they get away with this one. I hope Waukesha gets turned into a vulgar verb, 'cause it looks like we just got violently Waukesha'd right up the Wauwatosa, if you know what I mean.

bumfug April 8, 2011 at 2:45 am

Thanks for my new Facebook profile picture.

bflrtsplk April 8, 2011 at 3:33 am

Boner has promised to donate his shutdown pay to his favorite tanning salon and the adjacent liquor store.

AKHottie April 8, 2011 at 6:25 am

Don't forget the adjacent physical therapy office aka happy ending massage.

poncho_pilot April 8, 2011 at 4:21 am

i'm so fucking tired of all this shit. i'm tired of the way they treat gays, and women, and brown people, and the poor, and all of it. i'm tired of them shitting on everything and everybody i care about and believe in. i think they really want a government shutdown. and it should be the albatross around their necks until they die. sadly, people seem to have no memory of events. why is Newt not a fucking pariah? why hasn't W been before an international court? the not so slippery slope we're heading down is very frightening.

to sum it up, Thunderdome is a nice place to visit but i wouldn't want to live there.

sorry. needed to rant.

smashaduck April 8, 2011 at 8:40 am

Well there goes my buzz. Ooh Thunderdome! Nevermind, buzz regained.

bagofmice April 8, 2011 at 10:20 am

Go to Burning Man and check out the Death Guild's thunderdome. Bungee cords, pugil sticks and everything!

Heh, while they're building the dome, they have a "thumberdome", where you have a cage-match thumb-war.

randcoolcatdaddy April 8, 2011 at 6:07 am

"Good evening, I'm Alastair Cooke and welcome to 'Political Theatre'. Tonight's story is "Government Shutdown', which deals with a certain quaint American custom where the United States Congress performs what we colloquially call here a 'temper tantrum'…."

Negropolis April 8, 2011 at 6:36 am

You know, I must say, as good a theater as an American government shutdown is, nothing on this earth beats a proper Belgium government stalemate. The key difference being that they can afford to dick around because they've built up their society enough to withstand months of interim governments.

widget2011 April 8, 2011 at 7:03 am

I think the illustration is fairly accurate of what "our" government has become. I'm in favor of re-writing the constitution as follows:

We the corporations of the United States, in order to form a permanent ruling class, with justice for the corporations, shall destroy domestic tranquility, provide for the common defence of the wealthy, destroy the welfare of the unwashed masses, and selectively secure the blessings of liberty for the koch brothers, do ordain and establish this constitution for the corporate elite of the United States of Murka.

Article 1.

section 1.
All legeslative powers herein granted shall be invested in the smokey boardrooms of our corporate overlords, which shall consist of an owner and a stacked deck of cards.

section 2.
The corporate boardroom shall be composed of members of the wealthiest 0.01%, chosen every second year out of the forbes 500. Electors will be vetted by the kock brothers.

Article 3.
No person shall be a representative, unless they have performed oral sex on both of the kock brothers.

ah, fuck it, you get the picture.

Tommmcattt April 8, 2011 at 2:26 pm

That isn't an illustration, it's the tattoo from Ken's left buttcheek.

neiltheblaze April 8, 2011 at 7:08 am

So when do we dispense with the Constitution entirely and adopt the Ferengi "Rules of Acquisition"?

AKHottie April 8, 2011 at 7:31 am

Midnight Friday. Are you not paying attention? Get those pitchforks ready! And hey, thanks for the down fists! Love learning about going both ways
Wonkette has broadened my life._

neiltheblaze April 8, 2011 at 8:21 am

I reserve downfisting for Breitbart trolls and other invertebrates. I wouldn't think of downfisting a hottie.

smashaduck April 8, 2011 at 8:47 am

Good thing I've been saving. By saving I'm referring to the colossal bag of Akita shit (closely resembles elephant shit but smellier) for Boner's lawn.

4TheTurnstiles April 8, 2011 at 8:59 am

Akitas are the best dogs ever.

smashaduck April 8, 2011 at 9:06 am

It's true. He was the neighborhood stray when we bought the house. And just a baby but terrified of people. So we took him in. 'Cause we're lesbians and this is what we do. Sweetest, goofiest dog I've ever owned and isn't scared of anything…except the vacuum, natch. Can't believe someone dumped him.

4TheTurnstiles April 8, 2011 at 11:00 am

I think some people want dogs who will kiss their asses and act like petulent housewives circa 1949. Akitas don't roll that way and get blamed for not being "friendly." They have some fucking dignity and they're wicked smart and they can smell insecurity and untrustworthiness in people like a fart in a car. Great, great comrades.

Thanks for taking in a friend like that, by the way. Upfists and upfists.

smashaduck April 8, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Best line from "Hachi" (don't watch unless you've stocked up on anti-depressants) "Akitas are Japanese, not American. They cannot be bribed."

weejee April 8, 2011 at 9:00 am

18:00:00 hours til the pitchforks

smashaduck April 8, 2011 at 9:09 am

I had my downfisting cherry popped! Yay! Upfists for everyone!!1!

crybabyboehner April 8, 2011 at 9:38 am

This is good news for the "diaper-fetish providers" of Washington DC.

gurukalehuru April 8, 2011 at 9:57 am

It just gets worse and worse. Kathy Nickolaus is the same as Kitty Harris, but without the breastses.

hagajim April 8, 2011 at 10:42 am

Of course these fuckers aren't going to do anything that impacts them….because they are fuckers! Interesting thing is that so few people, with such similiar backgrounds, can't agree on shit – except for how to fuck America in the proverbial bunghole! Congrats to all and go to hell!

Gopherit April 8, 2011 at 11:51 am

I was up all night worrying about this. Do you know they can barely afford their 7 kids, mcmansion, and vacation home on the paltry $180k they get?

tessiee April 8, 2011 at 9:53 pm

I understand that some of them had to cut their servants' pay just to be able to afford a second Mercedes!

*presses back of hand to forehead in dramatic gesture of anguish*

not that Dewey April 8, 2011 at 1:11 am

And nobody wants to do that.

Not without a webinar.

not that Dewey April 8, 2011 at 1:28 am

Where you at?

Zvi_Bleindmeis April 8, 2011 at 8:08 am

Ah, Roseanne Cash, who famously said she wanted to put the cunt back in Country!

not that Dewey April 8, 2011 at 1:31 am

What's not to love? Joey Burns is a total dreamboat. And the music is not half-bad.

I saw them at the Fillmore in SF in 2006 — Black Heart Procession opened, and then joined them for a 1-hour encore. There were like 14 people on stage; it was great.

natl_indecency_cmdr April 8, 2011 at 1:36 am

6 asylum ales "ambergeddon". seems strangely [hic] fitting some[hic] how. buy local!

no but srsly I'm in a state.

fartknocker April 8, 2011 at 2:36 am

Austin, Texas. South side near Mary Street and South Congress. My primary abode is near Slaughter Lane, the last road before you enter Hays County.

poncho_pilot April 8, 2011 at 3:32 am

cheers on a great choice!

Angry_Marmot April 8, 2011 at 9:32 am

Her tweets as Jane Austen watching the Superbowl and the Oscars are deserving of approbation:

# There is a uniformity of ill-favor in the appearance of the spectators. Who are their families? Tradesmen, surely.
# Word arrives that there will be a longish pause midway through the event. One hopes to be excessively diverted.

not that Dewey April 8, 2011 at 10:37 am

I know, and I can remember about 80% of them. But the first time I ran it, it took me like half an hour to find "page layout". guh.

Radio_______ April 8, 2011 at 5:21 pm

At least we don't have some gubmint bureaucrat rationing ass-to-mouth care…

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