As they sat together around their radios stunned, Glenn Beck’s triumphant voice emerged from the bunker to deliver a speech about perseverance to his people. He is not dead. You cannot kill the spirit of Glenn Beck. As long as you keep hope, Glenn Beck with be there with you. He will be there in the harsh wind that brushes across your face. He will be there in the pile of dog crap you step on in the park your scooter drives through in the Walmart parking lot. And he will be there in the flowering trees of a new spring, watching over you and protecting your family from getting health care. “If I’m not ready with the things that I’m going to be launching, I will tell you that I will have the bridge and you and I will meet still every day at Glennbeck.com,” he said. It may be dangerous to go to that bridge. But you must go. You must go with Glenn. You must go to Terabithia.
“I won’t charge you anything.”
“I will meet with you every day to make sure you see the things that you see the things that you need to see. But we’re also going to be doing things, looking for different audiences, younger audiences, comedy audiences as well. Everyone who thought that they had corralled us in one little space, better look out.”
What is this comedy and who are these “young” audiences Glenn speaks of? Where is this mystical world where “young” people exist?
“Sometimes I want to spend more money and some of the Fox people who work on the show have been paid by me, the research that we do. Much of it, I paid for myself. If anybody thinks I got rich off Fox News, you’re out of your mind. I spent a lot of money on that show because I believed what I was saying.”
So Glenn the faithful piper will set up something where you can donate. He only makes what, $30 million a year? He needs our help! No rebel can live on that kind of money, even one as resourceful as him. No wonder he has to use chalkboards.
But make no bones about it. While we will need Glenn’s voice to lead us in these dark times as we set up a clandestine democracy to take on the upcoming caliphate, we owe so much to Roger Ailes and Fox for keeping this country propped up for this long. Without them, we wouldn’t have gotten the crucial window in history we needed for Glenn to get his message out.
“I know who Roger Ailes is. Roger Ailes is the guy if we don’t have Roger Ailes we probably wouldn’t have had Ronald Reagan as a President. So I honor his service to his country. He’s a businessman. That’s what he does. He’s done an amazing thing for our country. I don’t know honestly if we would survive as a country. I don’t know if we would still be the United States of America if it wasn’t for Fox News and Roger Ailes.”
See you on the other side of that bridge, comrades. [Glenn Beck]
{ 135 comments }
Oh, Glenn, when people are laughing at you when you're being completely serious, it's not comedy; that's mockery.
In other news, Sarah's Bridge to Nowhere discovered…
Could we lead her to the Rainbow Bridge?
Or we can send her and Glenn to the space bridge to Cybertron; there they'd probably get stepped on before too long.
Better still the I-35W Mississippi River bridge in Minneapolis.
Bridge Over the River Kwai?
If by that you mean a dubious project built for an emperor by proud collaborators lacking in self-awareness, then yes.
An Alt-text has never made me puke AND spring a boner at the same time before. Congratulations Jack…
"I know who Roger Ailes is. Roger Ailes is the guy if we don’t have Roger Ailes we probably wouldn’t have had Ronald Reagan as a President."
So all this teabagging crap is Ailes fault?
Yes.
You realize that's not actually a joke, but an accurate description of reality, right?
"If anybody thinks I got rich off Fox News, you’re out of your mind."
I'm out of my mind because before he was on Fox, he was on CNN and NOBODY CARED! Once he hooked up with the ship of fools that is the Fox News audience he basically became Jim Jones without the sunglasses.
Charlie Mason without the forehead tattoo.
Mussolini without the chin thrusting.
Paul Harvey without the skillz?
But is he good enough to get his followers to drink the Cool-Aid?
No, but he got them to buy and hoard gold from a company that was paying him.
When Beckerhead was on CNN, he had one of the lowest rated shows in their history. There were episodes that did not even register on the Neilsen Ratings, and they count viewers all the way down to 4,000. And yet CNN kept that fucker for two years. Geniuses.
"Father cares…"
No, he got rich selling over-priced gold to fools.
TimeCube Guy without the science.
"I don’t know if we would still be the United States of America if it wasn’t for Fox News"
Reagan managed to go eight years in office without them.
four years or so after the bicentennial if i'm not mistaken.
I think if we all worked hard enough we could kill the spirit of Glenn Beck. Or at least we could damage his self-esteem or something. And blaming Roger Ailes for Ronald Regan is perfectly fine with me.
I don't want to bust your bubble Glenn but comedy audiences are made up of people who like watching other people make fun of you.
Maybe he just wants to cut out the middle-man, and let comedy audiences make fun of him directly?
I would wish that it was the Rainbow Bridge that Becky Boy is going over, but I don't want that dickwad stinking up Doggy Heaven with his crap.
Send your money and messages of support to:
Glenn Beck
1 Goldline Rd.
Becktown, Republic of Guyana
I, for one, was looking forward to a little beckus interruptus.
Glenn Beck's media empire will last a thousand years. The Beck is dead, long live the Beck!
Based on what qualifies someone as a "Republican Young Gun", I assume he's talking about people between the ages of 45 and 60.
Got fired from his job, acts like it was his choice… YOU CAN"T EXPLAIN THAT!
I wanted you to catch me stealing office supplies.
"I *meant* to do that" — Pee Wee Herman
"If anybody thinks I got rich off Fox News, you’re out of your mind. I spent a lot of money on that show because I believed what I was saying.”
Did he buy his chalk at Bloomingdale's?
Or did he have to pay the worker who had to pluck a nose hair from him, for him to be able to cry on cue, out of his own pocket?
vicks vaporub platinum!
this confirms those pieces of 'chalk' were definitely compressed cocaine.
What stirring words, I bet there's a truckload of Republican eye-jism being cried out today.
Shouldn't it be "You and me?"
Yes. If only grammar was the only problem with this statement.
I just read an article in the New Yorker about Ailes and his wife. They bought the local paper in the small town where they moved to and have turned it into Fox Newsprint. Ailes is a dick at home, too. And his wife.
Also
“I know who Roger Ailes is"
Me too. You can see him scoot by midway through this:
http://www.istockphoto.com/stock-video-10481923-l...
He's the one on four legs, right?
No, two. The one on four legs is Beck.
Or maybe Greta. Hard to tell those two apart.
"If I’m not ready with the things that I’m going to be launching"
You're such a cock tease Glenn. C'mon make with the crazy!
"make sure you see the things that you see the things that you need to see. "
Umm … Okay … I see …
I see things on the radio.
I see dead people.
I see dumb people.
I'm pretty sure it involves precious bodily fluids.
Overton Lenscrafters. We'll also be releasing a range of no-bi-focals, scaryfocals and blinkers.
"How very much I've tried my best to give you a good life. But in spite of all of my trying a handful of our people, with their lies, have made our lives impossible. There's no way to detach ourselves from what's happened today. …Don't, don't fail to follow my advice. You'll be sorry. You'll be sorry…"
Jim Jones, November 18, 1978
Um. Er. And if you and your kids won't drink the KoolAid, we'll shoot you. Also.
I forgot which station did it (CNN did one of the event, too), but they did the most haunting take on Jonestown I'd ever seen. To this day, I get "squirmish" just hearing the name of the place.
"I know who Roger Ailes is. Roger Ailes is the guy if we don’t have Roger Ailes we probably wouldn’t have had Ronald Reagan as a President."
Or Nixon.
Thanks, asshole.
We'll meet again
don't know where, don't know when
but we'll all see Glenn again
some shitty day.
No Becktus interruptus? Damn!
I would say good-bye to Glenn, but I'll save that for when he's really gone. Along with the cake and champagne. But I'll miss seeing clips of him on Media Matters' website — he's like the hemorrhoid I never had.
Why is there an unmarked White Van parked near Glenn's Bridge?
You mean this whole Beck thing was simply performance art all along?!
I won't charge you anything.
Teabaggers love the sound of that, it's basically the same thing they hear when they dial the toll free number to request their free scooter.
“I won’t charge you anything.”
SOCIALIST!
He should let the market speak, shouldn't me?
What he should really do — to be truly libertarian, I mean — is to open bids for prices for each piece of infotainment he produces. Whoever wins the auction gets to read/watch/eat it.
(See also: Scientology)
He's there with you in the Wal Mart parking lot, when yer shootin' up teh Dems.
He's going after a comedy audience. Watch out, Carrot Top!
When Glenn leaves and takes his advertisers with him, how will his small-dicked find out where they can order their penis enlargement pills?
But we’re also going to be doing things, looking for different audiences, younger audiences, comedy audiences as well.
Victoria Jackson and Dennis Miller are sitting at their phones as we speak, Glenn. Get on the horn and line 'em up!
"THE LUCKIEST MAN ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH"
Glenn Beck has Lou Gehrig's Disease?
I'm pretty sure it is syphilis, or whatever happens to your brain after ten years straight of cocaine.
So this is what Tom Joad would have sounded like if he was a pompous, bloated, half crazed coke fiend?
And didn't have that folksy accent.
"For as long as chalk is not illegal, for as long as there's gold and tin foil to protect you, whenever you need me, I'll be there."
Hot win on the post Mr. Stuef, except the alt-text (yuck …).
In other news today, Thomas Jefferson is still spinning in his grave.
What am I missing here? I thought it was already comedy.
ugh. these people will never stop/go away. even if we don't hear from GB for a bit…
like in a movie's sequel when they do the ham fisted string of minor character re-introductions in the first fifteen minutes.
"I spent a lot of money on that show because I believed what I was saying.” Just like any other red-blooded American teacher, he spent most of his salary on school supplies.
That picture never fails to skeeve me out.
Head for the light Glenn, …. head toward the light.
but find a freeway on-ramp first.
Misread that as Glenn telling the little boy "there'll be no eruption between you and I".
He isn't rich? You mean he doesn't get royalties from the multiple appearances he's made, via video, on the Daily Show? And I don't why he wants to reach a younger audience, as well as the comedy audience. Hasn't he seen the demographic on John Stewart's show?
Not to mention the books he cranks out once a month.
Of course, he saved a lot of money, getting his brilliant education for "free"–at the public library.
Hey! Freedom isn't free but libraries are magical places where you can take whatever you want!
I think the new comedy segment will be watching Glenn and his team do "research".
Sorry folks, but I just stole a sip of my husband's narcotic cough syrup, and I'm just getting started. I may try to catch up with George Allen story comments.
Get the fuck back here soon as you can. Party's not the same without you!
Translation: if you're listening to me right now, you're out of your mind.
Does the Glenn Beck website, from which we will hereby remain informed, provide links to locations of upcoming tickle fights in our area?
But George Carlin and Flip Wilson are gone.
I wish there was some way for him to know that he will always be the wind beneath my taint.
Isn't ToeFace pouring it on a little too heavy a little too soon? It's not like we get to watch him die, let alone soon enough.
I believe when Glenn really knows he's going to shuffle off this mortal coil he'll have the funeral early, just so he can give the eulogy. After which he will have himself hammered to a large golden cross draped in American flags.
Also, Glenn is an especially needy princess/hypochondriac. Remember when he was going blind? That lasted about two weeks, and now you hear nothing about it. Shortly after that, he was certain that he was dying of something — so he flew to some special Mormon hospital where all the best doctors checked him out, and he's apparently fine. He wouldn't know what to do with himself if he wasn't facing his own death every three months.
“Sometimes I want to spend more money and some of the Fox people who work on the show have been paid by me, the research that we do. Much of it, I paid for myself.
This explains everything!
yea, he had to buy a chain saw, a log, a couple of gas cans.
I wonder how much a room full of monkeys go for these days. I mean, they are doing his "research" for him, aren't they?
Since Oklahoma is safe from Sharia Law, thanks to the termed out dick of a state Rep who is now a lazy ass prosecutor, does this mean we'll have even more rightwing nitwits moving here? Just what we need. More stoopid.
John? Is that you, Boner? I think you've gotten the wrong web site, big fella'. Now dry those tears and go find RedState.
I'll be all around in the dark – I'll be everywhere. Wherever you can look – wherever there's a fight, so rich folks can get that last tax deduction, I'll be there. Wherever there's a cop beatin' up an over-paid union guy, I'll be there. I'll be in the way chubby tea baggers on scooters yell when they're mad. I'll be in the way kids laugh when they're hungry and we've taken away their suppers, and when the rich are eatin' the stuff some messican has raised and livin' in the houses that nobody else can afford- I'll be there, too.
"Wherever chalk is applied to a blackboard, I'll be there. Wherever paranoid schizophrenics fold their tin foil into hats, I'll be there. Wherever undereducated fools spout their nitwit opinions, I'll be there."
Thank you, Glen.
Sounds like one of those Daily Kos Goodbye, Cruel World blog posts, where the perpetrator has been proven to be a bufoon but are determined to go out in a blaze of glory.
Is that a line from the Ministry of Peace in Oceania? Seems very familiar to me.
What? No Beckus Interuptus?
Glenn Beck just doesn't know how to quit us.
Actually, I would like to meet Glenn Beck on a bridge. Two men go out, one man comes back.
I know who Roger Ailes is. Roger Ailes is the guy if we don’t have Roger Ailes we probably wouldn’t have had Ronald Reagan as a President. So I honor his service to his country. He’s a businessman. That’s what he does. He’s done an amazing thing for our country. I don’t know honestly if we would survive as a country. I don’t know if we would still be the United States of America if it wasn’t for Fox News and Roger Ailes.
Truer non-sensical gibberish has never been flabber-blabbered.
set up a clandestine democracy to take on the upcoming caliphate
I think I shall masturbate to the caliphate instead!
He'd be with Fox forever if one of his people hadn't discovered how the video of the NPR exec had been edited.
Oh,god, please! The Bridge at San Luis Rey! Please?
You cannot kill the spirit of Glenn Beck.
I have access to salt, holy water, and an obscure Latin text. I'd certainly be willing to try.
Can we push him down the stairs?
I need an old priest, and a young priest.
There is no spirit of Glenn Beck. Beat em or burn em, they go up pretty quick.
And let's not forget it was written about Takoma Park- if Beck set foot there, he would immediately burst into flame.
"Terabithia", hopefully that's a suburb on the surface of Mecury, only he's still babbeling, at least until the sun comes up. There's just so much material in this piece, it's priceless.
Meet you at the riverbed under the bridge, which I jumped off because I miss Glenn Beck.
There Will Be No Interruption Between You and I
In fairness, I've used that line with many people I've fucked too.
Right before making a hasty exit?
Beck: "Roger, you're going to fire me? Even after all those times I licked the putrid mold between your back fat folds? I thought we were tight??"
"So much fungus among us."
It is truly a sad day…
…for John Stewart. He spent all that money in acting school learning how to cry.
Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?
The only possible move now is a remake of "The Odd Couple" sitcom co-starring Keith Olbermann. Keith's already a dissolute, washed up sportswriter, and Beck is a neurotic, repressed homosexual, so the casting is perfect!
So you're dead, right?
Commisars, coomitants, miseries, commisseration, oh fuck this shit.
Glad, Hope It Didn't Hurt, Get Less Dead, Whatever.
Me too, but not this time.
Now that yer gone…. no offence, but I'm heading back to porn.
Beck is like Ceiling Cat?
Please please please tell me that "glenbeck.com" is a gay porn site.
Not to say that Fox News binds its personalities in professional discourse, but an untethered Beck seems a bit like a precursor to the apocalypse. . .oh wait, that's just what he wants us to think!
Beck and Palin debut new show on the
You're History channel
Finally! A bridge to rival the Golden Gate for number of suicides.
I do.
[/snark off]
BTW, this…
Sounds less like a comforting promise, and more like a terrifying threat.
Hooray! Now Glenn Beck is free to run for President and pick Susan Burns as his Vice-Presidential running mate (the homophobic wing-nut woman who physically attacked Gauguin's painting, wanting to burn it and claiming she was an American CIA Agent with a radio in her head) .
Comedians will rejoice, paupers will cry, and Glenn Beck can explain how it all relates to the coming apocalypse (Repent, the end is near. I hope that end looks like Coco's or Kim Kardashian's).
I dreamed I saw Glenn Beck last night,
Alive as you or me:
Said I, but Glenn you’re show's been canned
I never died said he.
I never died said he.
In Salt Lake, Glenn, Great God, said I,
Him standing by my bed;
They framed you on a Racist charge,
Said Glenn but I ain’t dead;
Said Glenn but I ain’t dead.
The commie elites framed you Glenn
They cancelled you said I;
Takes more than Fox to kill a man,
Said Glenn I did not die.
Said Glenn I did not die.
Glen Beck ain’t dead he says to me,
Glen Beck ain’t never died;
Where Rich men face a rise in tax
Glen Beck is at their side,
Glen Beck is at their side.
And standing there as big as life
From San Diego up to Maine,
With every racist wreck –
Where rich old men defend their rights
It’s there you’ll find Glen Beck
It’s there you’ll find Glen Beck
(tune here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfEVcVQyEbI )
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhVQAehLC3g&fe...
We Are Change
Glenn Beck?
Dr Ron
you were told Dr Ablow was not your friend
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