Trump: Grandparents Put Notice In Paper To Make Obama Citizen Illegally

  romney has to be worried

A candle in the wind.Donald Trump has done just about everything he can to lead this country. #1: He brought the birth-certificate issue into this campaign. #2: He hired a team to go to Hawaii to investigate. And now #3: He loves this country so much he is spending his spare time applying his own gifted mind to the issue, and has come up with a solution to it all: Barack Obama was born in Kenya, but his selfish criminal grandparents wanted to make him a citizen illegally, so they stuck a notice of his birth in the newspaper when he got back from his baby journey of baby self-reflection in Africa. And since everybody knows you only need to present a newspaper clipping to get citizenship from the government, that’s all it took to do the worst crime in U.S. history, which has now been uncovered by Donald Trump’s reasoning skillz. You’re fired, Matlock!

We sat through an entire dumb phone interview Trump did on Morning Joe with one of those weird crews that show comes up with, composed of Willie Geist, Ed Rendell, Donnie Deutsch, and, sitting quietly in the corner, still alive somehow, Pat Buchanan. Here’s what Trump said:

“So he could have been born in Kenya, they come over to the United States, the grandparents put the ads in, and I’m telling you, there is a major chance that this guy has violated the United States Constitution.”

“This guy” meaning “this guy when he was a baby.” That newborn baby was a criminal! That baby knew what it was doing when it became an illegal citizen.

Pat Buchanan took the argument apart. PAT BUCHANAN. You know you’re in trouble when Pat Buchanan thinks you’re being insane:

 
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“But, you know, Donald, they would have to travel, you’d have to bring the kid out of Kin-ya, and bring him back to the United States. You’ve got documents for all that, do you not? I mean, the mother would have to travel within a short period of time. There would be records of all of that.”

Trump’s response: There are documents. Okay! So yes, Barack Obama’s mother gave birth to him, hid Baby Barry in a suitcase, sweated her way through customs in Hawaii without them noticing there was a baby in there, and then Obama’s grandparents presented the Social Security Administration with a newspaper clipping, and suddenly he’s a citizen.

Wouldn’t Obama be a citizen even if he was born overseas because his mother was American? Oh, never mind. Obviously it was worth sitting through this clip just to see this graphic at the end:

One of these things is not like the others! (Cohen's gay too, right?)

[MSNBC]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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162 comments

      1. DownFist Troll

        And now you reap what you have sown!!! but dun worry i upfisted your second post.

        1. poncho_pilot

          thanks. i appreciate that. and it's better to reap what you sow than to rape what you sow.

          upfisted by Downfist Troll. through the looking glass…

    1. PsycWench

      Bill Frist would be an interesting addition to this discussion, seeing as how he diagnosed Terry Schiavo with a video clip.

      1. poncho_pilot

        i think Ayn Rand had Narcissistic Personality Disorder. my sources are wikipedia and some guy's blog.

        1. wondering where i am

          Soon that source will be turning up in research papers at every college:

          Some Guy's Blog, April 2011

          I wonder what the capitalization rules are.

    2. DahBoner

      Has anyone seen John McCain's burf certificate?

      I heard a rumour on the intertubes that he was born in Panama, not U.S. America…

  1. JoshuaNorton

    What's up with this guy? Is Orly Taitz writing his stuff for him? Even the SCOTUS told her to STFU. Now The Donald is picking up the banner for her? He must be using lead based hair gel.

      1. SonofSpermcube

        They're the only group whose enthusiasm never wanes. It's easy to keep the ball rolling, and they'll be the seeds for the rallies or whatever in the next round.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Next up, The Donald's "little bit of doubt" about evolution. He needs that oily sheen of wingnut lunacy if he's gonna have a shot at the GOP nomination.

  2. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    I can't imagine a better use for Joe Scarborough's and Pat Buchanan's talents that arguing with Donald Trump over Obama's citizenship. I really can't.

      1. GOPCrusher

        Well, if you watch Morning Joe, then you really have no one to blame but yourself. How about a little personal responsibility, mkay?

      2. riverside68

        That's why we come to Wonkette, they watch this shit for us so we can sneer at it. God know I don't want to think about watching Trump, Joe, Pat, or anything else on tv talk shows, separately or, even worse, together.

        Thank you Jack, for reporting on how incredibly ridiculous it is getting out there. I will make sure to stay home.

    1. V572..whatever

      I liked it when he referred to the US Congress as "Israeli occupied territory." Vicious, funny!

      I also liked it when he said Bush's "policy" of preemptive intervention would lead us to perpetual war. Not funny! But exactly fucking right.

    2. Limeylizzie

      Me too, I find him weirdly adorable, like a crazy uncle who says awful racist things and challenges the ONLY black man at the local tennis club to a match, even though he is 78 and the black man is about 35.oh I'm sorry that was my father.

      1. Tundra Grifter

        So can I. When you read about what he did and tried to do in the Nixon White House – not to mention that whole thing about how we didn't really need to fight the Nazis in WW II – I have no trouble finding him pathetic.

        1. JoeBiteme

          The thing I can, um, appreciate about Pat is the fact that he totally cops to all his bullshit antics. There is absolutely no shame in his game, and I kind of respect that.

        2. Negropolis

          I can't figure out for the life of me why he's treated as a respectable voice on TV. It's one thing to respect candor, but you don't get points simply for believing the crazy-hateful shit you believe and not pretending to believe anything otherwise.

    3. Chet Kincaid

      The fact that he continues to have a gig as a "respected" commentator on one of the non-crazy networks fills me with rage. Pat is more upfront than Louis Farrakhan about his admiration for Hitler.

  3. V572..whatever

    Attention MSM: you're being spoofed by, and generously donating airtime to, a patent idiot under a criminal combover. Do you see anything wrong with this?

    No? Carry on, then.

    Wait…are all the appearances on NBC? Never mind.

  4. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Pat Buchanan? Alive?

    Now I don't know if I can trust anything you post.

    Still, what does it say about the GOP that Buchanan is now, relatively, on the sane side of things?

  5. finallyhappy

    A stupid fuckup like Trump gets more publicity and air time than any combination of really brilliant people. I guess most of the morons who watch this crap wouldn't understand anything intelligent people ahd to say. SHAME ON the MEDIa and Shame on the stupid Americans who listen to this. BY THE WAY- Where is coverage of our rallly for Women's Health today??? We didn't have any hoverrounds but we did have some senators, congresswomen and some Hollywood people

    1. Ducksworthy

      Hmmm. This may explain why I no longer watch anything on the TeeVee but Futurama and 3rd Rock from the Sun reruns via xbox and Netflix.

    2. anniegetyerfun

      Haha, women's health is icky! No one wants to talk about vaginas! Well, no one in the media of Congress.

  6. OkieDokieDog

    I'll be glad when The Donald goes back to evicting little old ladies from their homes so he can build another Casino or honkin' big assed building to name after himself.

  7. KeepFnThatChicken

    Looks like the meeting between Anakin and Palpatine, with a cameo by Sidney Poitier

  8. Chillwaver

    Oh, I've had it with this asshole. In 2012, whether it's you or any of the other GOP clowns, we will crush you at the polls. So go ahead, Donnie, please do run.

  9. Barbara_i

    If he won the election it certainly wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home.

    1. Cat_Damon

      – Snoop Dogg at Donald Trump's roast. I don't mean that as an insinuation that you stole a joke (I can see why it seems that way, which is why I'm clarifying), but rather: this asshole got roasted on comedy central less than 2 months ago. president trump.

  10. SudsMcKenzie

    I love Pat (there I said it). I try to emulate his hand chop whenever possible at work.

  11. Come here a minute

    Now Obama's grandparents have put a story in the Hawaii newspapers about a "high school friend" who got arrested for soliciting prostitution. This is a hoax. He couldn't possibly have known Obama since high school. Donald Trump knows it: "The reason I have a little doubt, just a little, is because he grew up and nobody knew him. … Nobody comes forward. Nobody knows who he is until later in his life."

  12. SayItWithWookies

    Oh, and he was all over the "Obama's grandma said she saw him born in Kenya" thing that noted factual author Jerome Corsi came up with, too. Can someone make Trump watch Indiana Jones soon so he can spend his time looking for the goddamn Ark of the Covenant instead of bothering the poor media with this shit?

  13. anniegetyerfun

    "Wouldn’t Obama be a citizen even if he was born overseas because his mother was American?"

    I always assumed this to be the case, but the birthers edited the fuck out the Wikipedia article, so now I will never know.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      There were two different birther claims about this: first, that there was some law stating that you had to live in the US for a certain number of years before you turned 18 (I think it was nine or thereabouts); the second was that Barack Obama Sr. had dual citizenship (since Kenya was a British colony) and that our prez was therefore subject to the Crown and ineligible to be elected.

      However, the first case was a law that hasn't been in force for some time, and the second case was also moot since Obama never applied for formal British citizenship and it would've lapsed at age 18 anyway.

      Corsi's born-in-Kenya thing is also bullshit, brought on by an interview of Obama's grandma, who doesn't speak English. Once the question was clarified, she said he wasn't born in Kenya — Corsi hyped this on WND, even though Grandma's refutation occurred about a minute later in the interview and he clearly would've heard it.

      1. anniegetyerfun

        I actually hadn't read either of those claims, but the definition of "American born" was really up in the air there for a while. I was beginning to wonder if I was American, since neither of my parents were born in the US, and my Dad only became a citizen two years or so ago.

        But then I remembered that I was white.

  14. GuanoFaucet

    If this country were anything approaching a true meritocracy, Trump would be wearing a paper hat and mopping floors at Cracker Barrel.

  15. DownFist Troll

    Let's see the birth certificate for that tribble living on your forehead, Trump.

  16. bumfug

    Going to Trump for serious political thought is like going to Carrot Top for insightful comedy.

  17. Tommmcattt

    $20 bucks says Andy Cohen fucks Aaron Schock behind a curtain in the green room within 15 minutes of having met him.

  18. WhatTheHeck

    When Trump was born, his grand parents knew one day he would run for President of the United States, so they bought stock in HairClub for men.

  19. PsycWench

    sitting quietly in the corner, still alive somehow, Pat Buchanan.
    The alive part I believe. The sitting quietly part? Not so much.

  20. phlox✔

    I'm trying to balance my disdain of both Trump and the media shows that are giving him airtime with the hilarity that will ensue if he actually runs for president.
    Trump running might be the biggest self-aggrandizing move of all time, so really I wouldn't put it past him.

    1. GOPCrusher

      I'm glad they are giving the airtime to spew his Birther conspiracies to the American public.
      Like Orly Taitz, at a certain point, America is no longer going to pay attention to him, and he'll have to show up at gun shows or the RedState message boards to get attention.

  21. PsycWench

    It's bad enough when Pat Buchanan thinks you're insane. If Michele Bachmann decides that Trump is insane, he's ready for a lobotomy. Or maybe just the headshave prep would be an improvement.

    1. Ducksworthy

      How do you get downfisted for stating the obvious? I mean that was all mental health, not politics.

        1. Crank_Tango

          Yeah, it has no effect but to drop you down a p, or something, who knows? who cares? I reported it to IntenseDebate for all the following messages–I got 5 yesterday alone, all for Kockbutt.

  22. DerrickWildcat

    I liked how Trump criticized Obama for waiting too long to bomb Libya (Thousands died needlessly) When asked how he would have handled it, Trump basically said all their oil goes to China anyway so why should we care what happens in Libya.
    He said this on CNN.

    1. JustPixelz

      He also said he knows how to close a deal. He'd get Congress pass a budget by — pay attention Barry — getting everyone in the same room. Guess he should have gotten Costal Marina in the room a couple years ago. Or the parties to the Trump Ocean Resort Baja deal. Or the folks suing him over the Trump Tower Tampa Project. I could go on.

  23. MiniMencken

    Breaking News! The Donald has just hired a a really, really classy, famous, first rate documentary film maker to work on his campaign movie. Working title: Trump of the Will.

    1. petehammer

      Trump pounding desk. Subtitles: (The black man is the cause of our problems! He is a foreigner! He does not belong here! He is stealing all your money!")

  24. Rosie_Scenario

    But Newt says that when a man really, really loves America, he gets busy with a woman not his wife. Actually, compared to how The Donald spends his free time, I have to give props to Newt.

  25. Rosie_Scenario

    Troll alert. I just went from +1 to 0 in one mintue and I think my Newt vs. Trump comment was p-worthy. Wonketeers?

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Yes Rosie_S, it was p-worthy, and I gave you a thumbs up!

      So there, dumbass troll. Do you still have a tiny dick? Changing your name won't change that, you know.

    1. jaytingle

      To all appearances he is a long-haired Guinea pig with a human body prosthesis strapped to its belly.

  26. genxr

    I never noticed this before, but it does seem odd that Obama's birth announcement appears in the classifieds section.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      It shouldn't – it is where newspapers put legal notices (which is what these were – they weren't private ads, but the hospital's vital records dump).

      1. genxr

        Okay fine, so the joke doesn't work. I had pictured a fake-looking announcement next to "bass boat 4 sale" as opposed to a birth/death announcement section. What do I know about newspapers? Do they even exist anymore?

        1. ChessieNefercat

          Well our local paper has an 8 page first section. Does that count? Our birth announcements are usually on page 2 (alternating with the courts report).

  27. genxr

    That's called planning. If you're a zygote and you haven't figured out your life plan yet, then you just missed the boat.

  28. DaRooster

    "…hid Baby Barry in a suitcase, sweated her way through customs in Hawaii…"

    Good thing the TSA wasn't around then… oh wait, he wouldn't have been found now either.

  29. OneYieldRegular

    I'm at the point where I really don't want anyone born in the U.S. ever to be allowed to become president.

  30. BarackMyWorld

    Wouldn’t Obama be a citizen even if he was born overseas because his mother was American?

    No, the Constitution says you have to actually be physically born inside the U.S., right between the parts where its says everyone must speak English and that the U.S. was founded on Christian-Judeo principles.

      1. Beowoof

        Yep, that's the constimatution we studied down at the Senior Center.

        There fixed that for you.

  31. Dr_Zoidberg

    Seriously?! According to Trump-dump and the other idiots, this is an operation requiring more people, planning and money than the invasion of Normandy.

      1. tessiee

        "after which they all have to give his bear a "kissy." "

        Dear God, Jesus, and Blessed Mother, please please please don't let this be a euphemism, amen.

  32. jus_wonderin

    Sister!! Well, no, he was more blatant. Not sure how I turned out the way I did. I guess Moms do have influence after all. Dad was an enigma. (He's probably ground me for that. "What'd you call me son?")

    1. Limeylizzie

      I didn't have the good mother influence mine died when I was 8 , so I had the crazy old racist as my sole parent! He was actually a really funny, smart, self-educated ,charismatic man, but was from the East End of London and it blew his mind when the Jews moved to the suburbs and the Pakistanis moved in .

  33. mrblifil

    Hey shithead: His mother's US nationality determines his. He's automatically a US citizen no matter where he was born, though yes the Constitution vaguely stipulates something about place of birth, but none of that is exactly clear. But he is and always has been a citizen because his white mom was a citizen. So. Kindly shut the fucking fuck up, you brutish idiot troglodyte moran. Thank you.

  34. owhatever

    The Donald speak in riddles that only Repubican wingnuts with special decoder rings can understand. The patriotic rings are for sale for only three easy payments of $199.99 at his web site. The supply has temporarily been exhausted, but more are being rushed from the manufacturer in China.

  35. GOPCrusher

    Agreed. His grandparents snuck the Babe into the country so they could falsify his Hawaiian birth?
    Really?

  36. Redhead

    You might have been able to get legal citizenship/birth certificate/passport, etc, just by showing a newspaper clip back when that skinned squirrel on top of Trump's head was actually real hair, but for most people alive today, it doesn't work that way.

  37. BZ1

    Rendell: "When he talks about this birther stuff, he loses me. He's too smart." Cough, cough, hack, (bile coming up)

  38. MarionNYNY

    That makes so much sense because of course if it was 1962 you'd want to have your baby Kenya where you could get the best possible medical care.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      And plane travel was fast, easy, and cheap too, an ideal thing for a preggo to indulge in, right?

      I actually have a mystery novel written and set in 1958. It describes a trip from England to Zanzibar which took several days and stops. Just what a doctor would recommend to an 8 months pregnant woman.

  39. pbrex

    Wow, it really says something that it only gets crazy AFTER insinuating there were two Barack Obama Srs in Hawaii at the time. Well played birthers?

  40. Gopherit

    Please let this all be the basis of a reality mini-series about how fucking retarded the republicans are.

  41. lochnessmonster

    That clip of Trump's hair puffing up and down is hilarious…should have linked to that

  42. MissTaken

    ZOMG!!1! You found it!

    Heaven's Gate suicide 3/26/1997
    Obama's Kenyan Birth 8/4/1961

    3261997=37
    841961=29
    37+29=66
    6+6=12
    AND….Sept 11 or 9+11=12

    OMG, Obama's grandparents planned 9/11 while also sneaking him into the country!1!1!1!!!

    I've had too much coffee today and Trump makes me crazy.

  43. Limeylizzie

    Basically anyone who isn't white, there are two schools of thought as to how it originated; the first is that it stands for Wily Oriental Gentleman and the other, most likely, is that the initials W.OG.S. were written on the uniforms of native Government workers in India and it stood for Working On Government Service. Anyway, a famous English expression of Xenophobia is “Wogs start at Dover”. What a lovely country eh? But we have such a pretty accent.

  44. BarackMyWorld

    Bill Maher: "We'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show us Sarah Palin's diploma."

  45. __kth__

    Trump's descent into birther derangement has a side effect: namely, it makes all those tools on Apprentice, with their "Yes, Mr. Trump", "no, Mr. Trump", "may I wipe your arse for you, Mr. Trump", even more hateworthy than they already were, if that's possible.

  46. anniegetyerfun

    I was born here but my Dad was a Canadian citizen at the time. I'd really like the birther to strip me of my citizenship.

  47. wondering where i am

    It's all a ploy. The Donald is really a democrat. Read here:
    http://pollinsider.com/2011/04/05/meet-donald-tru

    Political Donations:
    Charlie Rangel (D-NY): 2006 – $10,000 Yes, he of corruption, tax evasion, and mass liberalism
    Frank Lautenberg (D-NJ) $12,000 Total, $2,000 in 2006 Re-election
    Harry Reid: Donated $4,800 in 2010 to Reid to defeat Sharon Angle. $10,400 to Reid overall
    Chuck Schumer: Donated $4,000 during 2010 Election Cycle
    Kirsten Gillibrand: $5,800 over past 2 cycles
    Ted Kennedy: $7,000
    John Kerry $5,500 ($2,000 in 2004 Pres race, which he also gave Bush $2,000. How bi-partisan!)
    Democratic Senatorial Committee: $116,000 (versus $30K to GOP equivalent)

    I mean this is too stupid for even Donald Trump: to claim that Obama's grandparents' planted an announcement in the newspaper because they knew he was going to run for president.

  48. anniegetyerfun

    Money can buy you a lot of things, but it can't buy you intelligence.

    It SHOULD be able to purchase the services of people who are smarter than you to tell you when to STFU, but then, I've never had that much money, so maybe those services are pricier than I think.

  49. riverside68

    No matter what the law says, blood is blood,
    Ain't nottin gonna change that, marriage, children, divorce, murder what ever.

  50. MinAgain

    Every once in a while, Pat pulls his head out of Ronald Reagan's dead ass and says something intelligent and even insightful. Which just makes the other crap he says even more repugnant, because you know he can do better.

  51. unclejeems

    Hey, any third party candidate who can run for President and get 3407 votes in Palm Beach County, Florida, is OK by me.

  52. Gleem_McShineys

    This is the most concise and thoroughly the most excellentest debunkerism of the Birther's bullshit that I have ever read. My only regret is that I have but one upfist to give this.

    If only there was some kind of way to actually allow outside information, facts even, into teabaggers' minds! Crazy! But who knows, maybe some day.

  53. SkinnyNerd

    Who does business with this guy? I cannot imagine anyone having a business meeting with him, listening to the gibberish, and leaving the room thinking, "Wow, I am so glad I am tying up my money with this." Are all rich people maniacally insane or just really dumb? Also, I loved the look of befuddlement on Pat's face when Trump was defending his position.

  54. Beowoof

    Look on the bright side, if Trump is elected (or any other teabagger moron) you kid will have a place to go where the douchebaggery will not be quite as severe.

  55. Beowoof

    I would think Trump and his ilk of birthers would just be another argument against private school education.

  56. _DA

    I do not understand Trump's angle on this birther nonsense. And this is Donald fucking Trump, he may be a repulsive and stupid man in just about every sense of the word, but when it comes to being Donald Trump—there is no other. He has some purpose to this crap.

    He's got to be media-savvy enough to know that this is making him look "crazy" to just about everyone, and I really doubt he believes this dumb shit. He'd repaired his reputation somewhat—not much among people with a normal IQ, but I think he had a decent following among people with lots of ambition and an Associate Degree in Business.

    The investigative team, the interview on daytime TV, all are a gossamer-thin coating of grade A bullshit to impress the insane redneck housewives and other assorted people watching TV at 3 o'clock in the afternoon. It really doesn't take much to get these people thinking, and by thinking I mean punching up Newsmax.com to see what the "real deal" is.

    But why? "Make money", sure. But how? New TV deal? looking to be an analyst-slash-whore on Fox News? who knows. But I predict real soon now all this schizophrenic cow refuse coming out of Trump's head hole is gonna come to a conclusion somehow when he gets whatever deal it is that he wants.

  57. Slim_Pickins

    The Donald knows because the Donald flew them to Kenya on his Lear Jet/Piper Cub.

  58. labman57

    Of course, they didn’t think to do this when Obama was born, so many years later they used their “way-back” machine to go back in time and change the historical records.

    Help Mr. Wizard …..!

    Twizzle, twazzle, twozzle, twome, time for Donald to go home.

  59. outragedcitizen

    For a brief moment there, I thought that The Asshole, excuse me, I mean, The Donald's, hair had caught on fire. I thought, Cool! Then I realized that it was just a fucked up photo and now my day is soggy and gray… Oh, wait, I just looked outside, the day is soggy and gray. Never mind.

    Still it would be cool if that orangutan's ass on his head caught fire.

  60. tessiee

    "Unless he knew — as sperm — that he would one day lead our country. "

    Those Muslin babbys are crafty!

  61. tessiee

    "a run for President ‎‎40 years later by
    *a black kid,*
    who, at the time of his birth had exactly ZERO fucking ‎chance of drinking from the same water fountain as whites, let along becoming President. "

    There's yer explanation right there. Anyone who says their motivation is anything else is either in denial and/or a damn liar.

  62. MrEguy

    His grandparents didn't do it. In service to the devious moonbat agenda, I voyaged back in my time machine to plant the fake birth announcements to throw off the evil tea-partiers. Props to Marty McFly for loaning me the DeLorean.

Comments are closed.