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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • Barbara_i

    Later that day the robber knocked over a deli, telling the owner that he always wanted to convert to Judaism. Then he moved on to Donald Trump, where he took his wallet and told him that he wanted to convert to be a gutless, soulless, weasel. All's well that ends well.

    • DaRooster

      … then bought a Hover-Round and a 6er of Pabst Blue Ribbon and converted to Teabagger…

  • freakishlywrong

    Wingtards will now set up a Facebook page to boycott this deli due to Halal.

  • OC_Cesium-137 _Serf

    No, no, no, that's just Peter Mansbridge trying to convince Canadians that there are halfway decent Americans…

    • philpjfry

      Good luck with that

  • SexySmurf

    A real American would have told the robber to pull himself up by his bootstraps. And then shot him.

  • nounverb911

    "Evil Muslim Plan To Convert Americans: Generosity"
    Republicans hate anyone not being generous to the Kochs.

  • mavenmaven

    Well, at least them Muslims like guns.

  • harry_palmer

    "Evil Muslim Plan To Convert Americans: Generosity"

    How unChristian.

  • SayItWithWookies

    See, that's the approach that's holding the Muslims back. Christians believe salvation comes from faith, not actions — which is why they can shoot robbers who've surrendered and are on their knees and still be good Christians.

  • Hatrabbit

    Oh, so he used the Muslim practice of Big Government Socialist Welfare programs in his convenience store.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    It should work. The Repubicans "spread the wealth around" with their tax cuts. Now everybody loves them more than muslins.

  • harry_palmer

    The downfister is back from blowing his neighbor's goat.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      And the goat doesn't like the shitty job s/he does. Maybe the downfister should take out hiz/her teeth.

      • DaRooster

        You mean Toof?

  • Callyson

    Oh no. Now I know this Muslim guy was just trying to be nice and all, but if Boneheader hears about that his tears will be endless…more so…

  • Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    Generosity? Hah, this'll just make 'em hate Islam even more. American conservatives don't want a religion that requires them to be charitable and forgiving, they want a religion that justifies their hatred and distrust of anyone not like them, while supporting their smug assurance that they're better than other people because fuck you, that's why. They'd probably be more likely to convert to the violent caricature of Islam they learned from Fox News as long as their targets were all 'others' and they didn't have to do any of the dangerous stuff themselves.

    Huh, I meant to be snarky, but that just came out bitter and jaded, didn't it? Whoops. Here, I'll close with a joke: "This is good news for Abū Tamīm Ma'add al-Mustanṣir bi-llāh."

  • personman2

    So the robber was converted Islam at gunpoint? Charming.

    • rambone

      I'm thinking that there's a discrimination lawsuit against the shopkeeper in here somewhere.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    This bodega owner has blown any chance he had for the Al-Sayyid Ahmad Abd al-Jawad Award.

  • rambone

    You know who else held up his right hand while saying stuff?

    • GregComlish

      Arsenio Hall?

    • BornInATrailer

      Everyone in the US doing the Pledge of Allegiance before the 40s?

    • DownFist Troll

      Bill Clinton?

    • DaRooster


    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Pastor Terry Jones?

    • MinAgain

      Chief Sitting Bull?

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      The Rosenbergs?

    • CalamityJames

      Helen Keller? Too soon?

  • TanzbodenKoenig

    Those crafty Muslins. If Baby Jeebus had wanted America to be "generous" to the poors I bet the Bible would be chock full of stuff about "helping the least of your brothers" "loving thy neighbor" and "meek inheriting the earth and shit" or have a bunch of verses about the dangers of worldly wealth and its corrupting power.

    • DaRooster

      And far less of the "Travel the world and wipe out people that you don't know or understand" stuff.

  • hagajim

    "Evil Muslim Plan To Convert Americans: Generosity"

    Not going to work….all too many Americans are selfish assholes and being generous to them just makes them feel entitled because they don't know what the fuck generosity is.

  • ThankYouJeebus

    That new Mooslim should thank Jeebus for the other Muslin.

  • MistaEko

    Oh great. This is the exact opening of Les Miserables right down to the damn loaf of bread.

    Which means in several years that robber's going to be a successful mayor hounded by a teabagger sherriff and we're all going to be singing showtunes at a hastily-made barricade in the second American Revolution.

    • ApplesauceRobot

      Then a century + later a heavyset Scot will cover one of the songs, become an Internet sensation, and have a nervous breakdown. It's all unfolding exactly as Hugo planned.

      And teabagger sheriff for the win.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Just further proof that Glenn Beck is right, and that the Apocalypse is coming the same week he is leaving television. And you all mock his tears!

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    When the teabaggers discover that the second amendment applies to Muslim store owners there will be riots in the Hoverround lanes.

  • MinAgain

    Oh, man. If that kind of thing starts happening more often, we may actually become that kinder, gentler nation that Bush Sr. talked about. And nobody wants that.

  • http://www.fxexchangerate.com/ fxgeorges

    The First Amendment provides freedom of religious expression. This is frequently interpreted as mandating Separation of Church and State.

    But Islam mandates that Church and State be one, and that other religions be oppressed.

    Islam is not compatible with our Constitution.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Umm … no, no, and, well, no. But thanks for playing.

    • unclejeems

      Snarks aside.

      According to Leo XII (1878-1903) in his Encyclical on Human Liberty (1888):

      “On the one hand, (the followers of liberalism) demand for themselves and for the State a license which opens the way to every perversity of opinion; and on the other, they hamper the Church in divers ways, restricting her liberty within narrowest limits . . .”

      “Wherefore, civil society must acknowledge God as its Founder and Parent, and must obey and reverence His power and authority. Justice therefore forbids, and reason itself forbids, the State to be godless; or to adopt a line of action which would end in godlessness-namely, to treat the various religions (as they call them) alike, and to bestow upon them promiscuously equal rights and privileges.”

      Don't mean to pick on Catholics here–just makin' a point. There is not one monotheistic religion that hasn’t at one time or the other claimed for itself a place of prominence in society and a “special” relationship with the state and the government. Not one. Since that's the case, none of them is "compatible" with our Constitution.

      And don't say "fundamentalists" and "evangelicals" don't hold such opinions. I've sat in rooms full of Baptists when the conversation got around to passing laws to forbid the practices of Mormonism and other such "cults," as Baptists call them.

      The beauty of the Constitution is that it keeps all that hatred–or used to keep it–at arms length from the centers of power. We can laugh at the pretensions of the preachers and reverends, popes and bishops. Now you want to outlaw one religion in the name of a Constitution that has actually promoted religious freedom.

      Shame on you.