a serious man

Donald Trump Has Team of Gumshoes In Hawaii Looking For Birth Certificate

Only the best can crack this case!Donald Trump has certainly given a very interesting interview to the Today show, considering he’s going to be our next president of the United States and all! “Let me just say something. There’s nobody more militaristic than me.” Cool! It’s about time we had a president with no experience in politics who is upfront about blowing up every other country on the planet. “Iran is going to take over Iraq, because we have de-neutered Iraq, you know that, in terms of their military.” De-neutered, huh? Is Iran going to get in a squirmish with them? The new military terms we hear these days are so strange and complex! Oh, also: Donald Trump says he has people in Hawaii working on finding Obama’s birth records. How big of him. He knows how to protect and defend this country.

MEREDITH VIEIRA:
Okay. Are you saying if you were President, you would take us out of Afghanistan?

DONALD TRUMP:
Well, nothing’s simple. Because I don’t believe in foot soldiers. They get blown up on streets. But I do believe in airplanes that are 50,000 feet up. And when we see through intelligence what’s going on, knock the hell out. Oh, by the way, I’m much more militaristic than Obama.

Sure, airplanes can run a country. Let’s go with that.

DONALD TRUMP:
I am saying I want to see the birth certificate. It’s very simple. I want to see the birth certificate. How come his own family doesn’t know which hospital he was born in? How come– forget about birth certificates. Let’s say there’s no birth certificate. How come in the hospital itself, okay? This is one of the…in the hospital itself, there’s no records of his birth. In other words, it doesn’t say how much they paid, where is the doctor, here’s your room bill. You know, all the

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MEREDITH VIEIRA:
You’ve been privy to all of this to know this?

DONALD TRUMP:
Well, I have people that actually have been studying it and they cannot believe what they’re talking.

MEREDITH VIEIRA:
You have people now out there searching– I mean, in Hawaii?

DONALD TRUMP:
Absolutely. And they cannot believe what they’re finding. And I’m serious–

Yeah, why won’t this hospital just release half-century-old billing records to people who say they’re working for Donald Trump? Don’t they know about that “private detectives a reality teevee goon hired” clause in doctor-patient confidentiality? It says you should keep ancient billing records around for decades just in case Donald Trump’s representatives say they want them.

But wait a second, Trump has never released the billing records from his birth. The evidence is really mounting he is an illegal Kenyan, isn’t it? [The Page]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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186 comments

    1. i_AM_ready

      I have this fantasy that a reporter would ask Obama about Trump saying all this shit, and Obama would say, "Um, is Trump that guy with the fancy hairdo?"

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Serolf_Divad: I guess it means "sew 'em back on."

      It remains equally astonishing that neither Donald Chump or Duh Gov'Nuh can get through an interview or infomercial without proving they can't string together seven or eight coherent sentences.

    2. __kth__

      Interpreting malapropisms is a hobby of mine, so I'm gonna guess he was trying to say 'denatured', only because he wrongly believes that 'denatured' is a synonym of 'neutered'.

  1. Tundra Grifter

    So Donald Chump doesn't know any more about HIPAA than he does about the WTO.

    WTF?

    He did manage to say "Well, I have people that actually have been studying it and they cannot believe what they’re talking."

    That makes two of us, Donald – 'cause I don't believe what they're talking either.

  2. Barbara_i

    After he finds the birth certificate he's going to want to find the discarded foreskin from Barry's circumcision, just to be sure. Wait until he finds that he can wear it as a swim cap. Guess you won't be the biggest prick after all, eh?

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Trump says he was born in Jamaica, Queens. Where's his BC to prove it wasn't the other Jamaica?

    2. SorosBot

      Didn't some wingnuts demand to know if was circusmsized, because that apparently would make him a Muslim (even though a lot of hospitals routinely do so)? I think they really just wanted to see his big black dick though.

      1. Chet Kincaid

        Oh, so I see your counter-Spanky2b strategy: if he's fappin', he ain't downfisting! Just keep breathlessly describing Barry's throbbing Executive Branch!

  3. nounverb911

    "But wait a second, Trump has never released the billing records from his birth. The evidence is really mounting he is an illegal Kenyan, isn’t it?"
    Jamaican born Trump is part of a Rastafarian plot.

    1. Ducksworthy

      Ganja might explain the incoherence, But it wouldn't account for the pettiness and underlying stupidity, mon.

  4. OC_Cesium-137 _Serf

    they cannot believe what they’re finding

    and with you as ringleader, neither will anybody else

    1. JustPixelz

      Except the birthers and Repubicans — they'll believe anything.

      But why is Trumpette keeping those unbelievable "findings" a secret? What does he have to hide?

  5. Clancy_Pants

    I hear you can get a vasectomy reversed. But if the 'nads went in the trash I don't think there's anyway to get de-neutered? At least that's what the vet told me.

    1. Crank_Tango

      Well Stump keeps his in a jar and they are YOOGE, and the best, finest, classiest disconnected balls around.

  6. ttommyunger

    "Absolutely. And they cannot believe what they’re finding." And no one else will, either, douchebag.

  7. mourningnmerica

    He's SECOND in Republican polls. A retarded narcissist getting support for President from the GOP faithful. What a shock. Who would'a thunk it?

    1. Buckminster

      Sheesh. These desperate Repubs would vote for a mop wrapped in a bathrobe if it was screaming "black man in the White House, take up guns now!"

    2. Pithaughn

      Hmm, I feel the same towards Trump right now as I did towards Reagan in 1979, ie this is the best the R's have? There is no telling who the R's will nominate. But we know it will be someone with lots and lots of corporate cash to fund propaganda of hate fear and lies.

  8. baconzgood

    "…I don’t believe in foot soldiers…But I do believe in airplanes…"

    That strategy worked for Goring against England didn't it?

          1. Limeylizzie

            Of course, it will take many days , I fear, as the Germans are all around here, we will find some way to pass the time until it is safe to leave.

    1. SorosBot

      How do you know he does, instead of having one of his mistresses (read: prostitutes who only sell themselves to one wealthy man) dress him?

    2. Steverino247

      OK. Got it. But then, how does he walk and breathe at the same time once he's dressed you smarty-pants commenters?

  9. SorosBot

    There's no one more militaristic than Trump, who went to a military high school, yet strangely his bio has no mention of any actual military service, despite the fact that he prime draft age during the Vietnam war. Hmm…

    1. weejee

      Ch-ch-chickenhawks are most definitely not an endangered species. A dangerous species yes, but endangered most assuredly not as they clearly outnumber vets.

    2. prommie

      Military high schools are where rich families send their unruly, rapey-druggy asshole shit for brains kids. The places advertise in the New York Times Sunday Magazine, after they get kicked out of Andover or even, god forbid, The Hun School for wrecking some young Saudi shithead's Ferrari and raping local girls , there are places like Valley Forge Military Academy, babysitting rich young criminals for over 100 years.

  10. weejee

    we have de-neutered Iraq

    And 'cause of that the Donald feelz we gotta squirmish Iran before Iran squirmishs Iraq? How many hairballz does this guy have between his ears?

  11. hagajim

    Trump has never released the billing records from his birth

    That's because he was born in Jamaica and his parents paid with two chickens, a pigfucker (The Donald) and a giant bag of the best Jamaican weed mon.

  12. Frost/Nixon/Robocop

    Fuck birth certificates, why isn't someone trying to figure out where Donald Trump is getting his money from? He lost money INVESTING IN A CASINO!!!!!!

  13. fartknocker

    Donald Trump sounds a lot like Donald Rumsfeld when it comes to military OPS. Rummy kept pontificating that it was our supper-dupper weapon systems that would made us invincible in Iraq. We know how that worked out…

    Trump is a ignorant, dangerous, egotistical asshole. And as fellow Wonketter correctly asked: "How do you bankrupt a casino?"

  14. Barbara_i

    The man has his own line of spring water, Trump Ice:
    Trump Ice spring water is one of the purest natural spring waters bottled in the world. It is tested continually to confirm its purity and bottled at the source in a modern facility to ensure that purity is maintained. Try its refreshing taste and you will agree—the
    difference is clear.

    Great, if this clown is elected I won't have to try to swallow my cyanide pill dry.

  15. freakishlywrong

    On Mornin' Blow today Ed Rendell and Donnie Douche told him how much they loved him and how great he was, but….and then he went on a ten minute rant about how Obamar was born in Kenya and was snuck in to the U.S. and that his grand parents placed the birth announcement. Mouths were agape and lots of nervous laughter ensued; thank goodness Pat Buckkka got his back and said he'd like to see what's ON the birf certificate. Good times!

  16. DaRooster

    "Oh, by the way, I’m much more militaristic than Obama."

    Do you think THAT will help you with the Repugnants? Did you not see they tried to attack him for attacking Lybia? What's that… he's Brown? Oh, OK then.

  17. JoshuaNorton

    It's hard to take someone seriously when all you can do is stare at their hair and think 'you're kidding, right?".

  18. fuflans

    "Well, nothing’s simple. Because I don’t believe in foot soldiers…But I do believe in airplanes that are 50,000 feet up. And when we see through intelligence what’s going on, knock the hell out. Oh, by the way, I’m much more militaristic than Obama."

    how do you even mock that?

  19. Dr_Zoidberg

    My Republican dream ticket is Palin/Trump. Obama won't even have to campaign to get re-elected.

    1. genxr

      All Obama has to do is show up to the debates and spend his entire time allotment laughing. And I mean the entire time, argument and rebuttal, a full five seconds past the red light, incurring a time warning because he can't stop laughing.

      1. __kth__

        I'm thinking something like when James Brown used to close with "Please, Please, Please", and would stage-keel over, and then one or two of the Famous Flames would try to help him to his feet, and JB would reject their help and belt out another verse.

        So Obama would be all laughing so hard he was croaking, and then, "ok [serious face], I'm OK now, I've got it together", only to bust out in guffaws anew.

  20. Ducksworthy

    So if I pretend to be a drooling hebephrenic idiot, but rich, I canz be on the today show? I mean pretending all around. This is not a serious place, despite the triple front war on the browns.

  21. mourningnmerica

    He is so clearly emotionally disturbed… Michele Bachmann seems centered compared to this poor bastard.

    The only example I can think of to rival him among GOP candidates is, well, Newt Gingrich. Christ, maybe Mittens isn't so bad, after all. At least he's… sane, as far as I can tell.

    1. Dr_Zoidberg

      As long as there's a mentally unstable Republican't/TeaBagger alive.

      So….a long time, then.

    2. OneDollarJuana

      You will hear this shit until things get so bad that the public wakes up and votes in mature, reasonable legislators who restore public control over the public airwaves, restore fiscal sanity and control over Wall Street, and most importantly, finally enshrines in our Constitution the obvious fact that corporations are not persons.

      Or until WW3, when it all goes away anyhow.

    3. genxr

      Until President The Donald de-neuters the entire mideast and send the world to hell. Then, instead of hearing this, you'll hear things like, "Get away from that water. That's my water" and "I heard there's a stash of hobo beans in the abandoned warehouse, but it's guarded by The Lord Humungous and his post-apocalypse minions."

    1. Dr_Zoidberg

      Yeah, but wouldn't that much suck concentrated in one place be like dividing by zero? You know, world-ending, or something?

  22. SayItWithWookies

    Not only does this man's personal belief system seem to come from the National Enquirer, but he can't even complete a freakin' sentence. I've worked for executives like this, who speak in this sweeping shorthand babble, and it must be assiduously translated from their bullshit into a detailed description of reality. Frequently this can't be done without making a huge number of guesses or assumptions about what he wants, because he doesn't have a sufficiently clear grasp of the facts to express it himself. It's sort of the know-nothing executive's self-corralling mental block. And I fervently believe that it's extremely dangerous for someone in charge of weapons to have this defect. Also he thinks he's some sort of genius, which clearly means he has an aversion to evidence.

  23. SorosBot

    Psst, Donald; you don't need to waste all that money to find Obama's birth certificate, just use Google, he released it on the internet back in 2008. There, now your search is much easier, and don't you feel silly!

    1. Gleem_McShineys

      and don't you feel silly

      The man goes on teevee with an electrocuted chinchilla corpse on his head. Look, when the man virtually drinks gallon drums of industrial strength ridiculous for breakfast, it's pretty clear he can no longer even feel silly from something so mild as simply being proven absolutely fucking wrong.

  24. Mumbletypeg

    So the Trump next will declare — and personally finance — his own war on Hawaii? Or will he settle for stripping her of her grass-skirts and stand naked in her solitary-confinement cell in retaliation for *not* leaking urgently-needed documents of information?

    Surely — when I was about the age of the kids in the above photo — our neighborhood game "I Declar War" made better sense than what's undertaken by this century's leagues of nitwits'.

  25. XOhioan

    Apparently teabaggers are harassing the shit out of the poor staff at Kapi'olani Medical Center because harassing the shit out of people is the only type of political activism they know how to do.

    1. SilverTsunami

      The staffers don't have anything else to do, for heaven's sake. It's not like they work at a hospital or something.

  26. Crank_Tango

    Well at least now I understand why Barry is content to let these assholes go on and on and on about the birth certificate. It is the best GOP crazy litmus test there is.

    Also, "The Donald," by focusing on this guy's birth certificate, you are tacitly implying that that is the only reason Obama shouldn't be president. Like, that's all you have to throw at him. (psst he's also black, you can try that too).

    Also, also, also, his mom was an american lady, you stupid fuck, so even if he was born in space, he would still be a fucking natural born citizen.

    PS Hi Kockbutt, hope you're having fun in the trailer, watching soaps today.

    1. Ducksworthy

      Crank,

      The birf certicate is brought up over and over to remind those of who don't care that he is black, without enunciating the N word. It is a racist strategy. Shorthand for blackniggerkenyansocioislmaist. Which as too many syllables and is, in any case, offensive to normal people.

  27. Allmighty_Manos

    Considering Trump is doing well among GOP primary voters through his sheer vulgarity, I declare him their fucking problem and take no responsibility as an American for this man.

  28. SheriffRoscoe

    Hillary Clinton is banging her head against the desk right now, wondering why she didn't think of a way to disqualify Obummer from being president.

  29. thefrontpage

    This is the truth: Donald Trump is not a U.S. citizen. There is no legal evidence of his birth certificate. He was actually born in Kenya. His parents were both militant facist Kenyan Muslim Islamic terrorists who worked to kill people. Trump is actually a Kenyan Muslim Islamic terrorist whose goals are to destroy democracy, the West, the United States, the United States government, all of the people in the United States, Israel, and anyone who supports democracy, freedom, and the United States and Israel. Donald Trump is an illegal alien. Donald Trump is a farce. Donald Trump is a Kenyan Muslim terrorist.

  30. weejee

    OT

    The GOPeely C'Addle Timez is giving high viz to an article that says if Ryan's 2012 Budget were to get passed, that seniors would take it right up the ass. Problem is most oldes aren't Wonketteers so it is doubtful they will do enough Crispy Creme pushaways to be able to get out of their Hoverounds to do a couple of push-ups and get the systolic under 180.

    1. Jerri

      Because you want to piss off the demographic group that consistently votes in the biggest numbers. Oh, that's right, the AARP are a bunch of thugs now, since they supported the health care bill.

      Have fun in the wilderness, GOP. I understand you've been there before, no?

      1. Ducksworthy

        Ryan is their Moses. Remember it was Moses who led the Joos into the wilderness, had them wander around for 40 years, and then died. Let's hope for the same for this Wisconsin Kochsucker.

    2. SorosBot

      It's also fairly ironic, since the main way all of the new GOP Congressmen won in November was by scaring the old people with lies that health reform was going to destroy their medicare; yet of course it's the Republicans who really do want to destroy it.

  31. FlownOver

    Semi-OT-ic:

    I'd like to thank all the little people who helped make my Hundredth Pee possible. You're all invited to a little gathering to celebrate this milestone, just as soon as I get this week's check from **********. (Gotta be discreet, but I can tell you it's postmarked Wichita.)

    1. kissawookiee

      I got my hundredth pee a month ago, and KochBot's been whittling away at it since then.

        1. kissawookiee

          I actually had 50,000. One for each foot of militaristic de-neutering altitude my planes fly at.

  32. johnnymeatworth

    Since there's no one more militaristic than Trump, maybe he'll start "discharging" people from Celebrity Apprentice instead of firing them.

  33. mercianomad

    Donald Trump: Proof positive that nearly limitless money and power still won't necessarily buy you any class, taste, knowledge, or sophistication.

  34. widestanceroman

    Before I cast judgment on this bloated roadkill-crested buzzard, I need to know:

    Does the carpet match the drapes or what?

    It's an evil question, but fitting, since this is my IntenseDebate 666th comment.

  35. genxr

    Why shouldn't we send the poors off to fight and de-neuter people? The rich already pay most of the taxes. It's not fair it's not fair it's not fair! (stomps feet)

  36. undeterredbyreality

    "Whether it’s oil or gold or whatever. You take over the country."

    Foreign Policy for Dummies.

    1. weejee

      When the Vietnam era chickenhawks were asked how they avoided service they mumble a lot but gets down to "I ran."

      Now that their bellies have sagged and their hair has fallen out they take the space out of "I ran" and become Iran studs. To celebrate their new found bravery lets put a couple of studs in their collective dicks.

  37. mavenmaven

    IN fact, his military strategy is to build big Trump Towers over every bad country, upon which his warplanes can land and thus deneuter the bads.
    As an added benefit, there will be food courts inside!

  38. randcoolcatdaddy

    Wow … I never thought we'd have another rich guy more eccentric and deluded than Howard Hughes. We can only hope Trump eventually retreats to one of his towers to watch "Ice Station Zebra" over and over again….

      1. ShaveTheWhales

        Yeah, quite a bit back in the day, Howard was at least an interesting rich motherfucker.

  39. SilverTsunami

    I think the birth certificate is hiding behind an umbrella in one of those festive drinks. Send me to Hawaii and I promise I'll make an inspection of those, and the beaches, too, just to be really thorough.

  40. SheriffRoscoe

    Parents of 15, 16 and 17 year-old boys are eagerly awaiting the arrival of our next ultra-militaristic president, amirite?

    1. BZ1

      Don't disparage the Earhart, she might still be alive, not likely that the Donald's brain cells are…

  41. Hatrabbit

    Obama's birth certificate is currently circling 50,000 feet above Trump's creepy militaristic hairdo.

    1. Crank_Tango

      I think that is the secret to the hair too–one strand flown of nylon around in circles over and over –it's called the Holding Pattern.

  42. SheriffRoscoe

    American bombers can win wars from the safety and convenience of high, 50,000-foot altitude. Today, my visit to Wonkette has resulted in the learning of this incredible fact.

  43. mrblifil

    Finally a Mommy who will bitchsmack La Donald into some semblance of humility, or as close as his particular brand of autism will admit. Her name? REALITY.

  44. BlueStateLibel

    Psst, Donald, I have a genuine NY State Birth Certificate. It looks absolutely NOTHING like that thing you're trying to pass off. I'll assume then you were born in Scotland, and aren't even eligible to run for president.

  45. JustPixelz

    Trump also says: "I love this country. But, this country is going to hell.

    Is there nothing we can do to make America's billionaires happy?

    Note to Trump: You live in the United States of America. Even with its flaws, it's greatest nation in the world. By far. You are not in hell or even on the road to hell. So fuck you.

  46. Ducksworthy

    I keep trying to think of something to compare this creature to and all I can come up with is an extraterrestrial blancmange.

  47. Ducksworthy

    I don't know about you but a 6 figure salary and room and board in Hawaii for a year and I could be talking shit I didn't believe too.

  48. DahBoner

    MEREDITH VIEIRA:
    You have people now out there searching– I mean, in Hawaii?

    DONALD TRUMP:
    Absolutely. And they cannot believe what they’re finding. And I’m serious–

    MAUI WOWIE IS $475 A FUCKING OUNCE??? WE CANNOT BELIEVE IT…

  49. Guppy06

    "And they cannot believe what they’re finding."

    "Shooting ranges in shopping malls?"

    "How can any mortal consume that much spam?"

    "Everyone keeps calling me 'haole.' What kind of weird Spanish is that?"

    "I've never seen so much Japanese tail in my life!"

  50. thelastrefuge

    Anyone see Trump being roasted on comedy Central last month. I can just imagine some of the attack ads being used if Trump should actually run for Prez. I almost missed this little Ditty from Cspan last week by Larry Wilmore of the daily show.
    Congressional Correspondents Dinner Presentation (cspan)
    Comedian, actor and Daily Show correspondent Larry Wilmore provided the entertainment. The 67th annual dinner was the first to be called the Congressional Correspondents' Dinner. http://www.tvnportal.com/videos/301436-congressio

  51. BklynIlluminati

    Trump is the type of douche who would use the nuke football to score points with babes to get laid.

  52. philpjfry

    This must be joke right? I mean nobody can be that stupid can they? and people are honestly talking about making this pile of walking idiocy president? Is being a moron a requirement for being a republican? I guess it is. ahhh I made myself sad.

  53. Soylent Green

    I'd rather see the proof as to why they don't believe he's american. They only need to provide their racism.

  54. Steverino247

    Not to mention rebounds, shots on goal, saves, RBI's, what position you played if you're ever asked twice by a VA politician…

  55. deanbooth

    Can you imagine if the news media gave Pat Paulsen serious interviews about becoming president in the 60s & 70s? It's unbelievable how vapid these people are.

    1. Ducksworthy

      I think you're on to something. A new comedian, maybe Dave Chappelle could be RepublicanPresidentialCandidateMan and just spout all the insane thoughts these people have expressed.

  56. andnowyoudont

    Yea! Seems I remenber being taught that using inappropriate weapons (ie. attack helicopters (intended for use against tank formations in the open) against a gaggle of reporters on a city street was kind of a war crime (but only if the Rooskies did it)

  57. andnowyoudont

    I enlisted in 1970. First intelligence test I ever flunked. Everybody else in my unit was drafted . They were dragged in kicking amd screaning. Every one of them stands head and shoulders above the Trump.

  58. comrad_darkness

    Trump Palin isn't just the next kid she squeezes out, but a presidential ticket?

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