Suburban Minnesota monster Michele Bachmann is celebrating her 55th birthday today, probably by playing “pin the gun on the Kenyan.” When the certifiably insane foster-baby farmer won her congressional district seat back in 2006 (the “Year of the Democrats,” haha), who knew that she was less a clownish anomaly than the actual future of the Republican party. Who knew that this proudly ignorant, lie-spouting duckface would soon come to represent the entirety of Republican thought? When she locked her flapping lips onto then-president George W. Bush’s face at the State of the Union address back in 2007, who knew that such freakish, embarrassing behavior would soon define the entire GOP and its willfully ignorant “angry white oaf” division, the Tea Party? Congratulations, Michele! You’ve made “stupid” go mainstream in Washington!
In the days before Michele Bachmann, Republicans used to have to pretend to “follow the issues” and “engage in semi-logical debate,” even as they were pursuing their two primary goals of a) shoveling money and federal largess to the super-rich and b) hypocritically engaging in sex-crime trials against abortion and blowjobs even as they all schtupped “Young Republican” intern boys under their desks.
Michele changed all that. No longer would Republicans have to even pretend to know history or understand budgets or even be able to read the basic notes staffers prepared before another Fox News appearance. Just say whatever, and look crazily at something way off in the distance, and repeatedly call the president a spooky African. Winning the future!
Michele shares her special birthday, April 6, with Black Francis/Frank Black, teevee’s Lando Calrissian, legendary California singer/songwriter/guitarist Merle Haggard, master of the pan flute “Zamfir,” radical pan-African peace activist and amateur soccer player Bob Marley, and homophobic scumbag and vicious opportunist and amoral terror-promoter Ian Paisley of Northern Ireland.
Also on this day:
1919: Mahatma Gandhi calls a general strike against the capitalist racist oppressors.
1929: Louisiana Governor Huey P. Long is impeached over his nickname, “The Kingfish.”
1994: The Rwandan genocide begins.
Happy April 6, everybody! Go leave Bachmann a birthday message on her “e-card.”
{ 125 comments }
I want to see her death certificate.
Many more fists are deserved.
I believe at 55 you're eligible for early government Death Panel, no?
this proudly ignorant, lie-spouting duckface
Yay, Ken is awake!
~
"duckface"? I never thought about how close the "d" and the "f" are on the keyboard.
Yes, you can always differentiate who's who on Wonkette without even looking at the editor.
Jack: usually makes a joke or two, and when pissed a long riposte about the lies/stupidity of the article and its subject finished with tempered sarcasm as a flourish.
Sara: Abusive but only in a way that acts as Sirens call for Wonketteers. We can feel the love and palpable lust with each heinous insult (I don't know why but I laughed the most at this "Greetings, stains")…between her stalkerish impulses on Barry we all wind up wishing she'd stalk us instead.
Ken: A ray of sunshine in the deep depths of American politics/corporate handjobs/Republican boy blowjobs. Ken is always ready to remind us just how fucked we are at any moment making Wonkette a must-read for those who nourish dystopic fantasy worlds (combined with Sara as a bikini-clad abuser, makes for a good afternoon).
I could cover intern Riley, Arielle, et. al….but I'm out of space…so is Sara K. Smith gone for good? Her vulgar Tina Fey-esque rants always brought a tear to the eye…
55? Isn't that the age when eskimos used to set their elders adrift in the ice floes?
Yeah, "duckface" is choice.
But "ghoul" is more accurate.
Foster babies – the other Veal.
Was the Bachmann baby farm Cheney's main supplier?
You would have thought by now, they would have found an acceptable heart.
Why, since his own rejected him?
She has only been in DC since 2006–shit it seems like that trollop has been acting crazy in Washington for a lot longer than that. Agony makes time move slowly.
Hoppy birfday, crazee laydee. You go back to home planet now, okay?
Kthnxbai
Only 55, but that's like 366 in crazy years.
More like 666.
[Redacted] I've been downfisted already! Surely The Beast walks this Earth.
compensatory upfist for you.
Michelle and all the other crazy wingtards in Gubmint' should be investigated for un-American activities. (Hey, bitch, you said it first).
She doesn't look a day over 350 in alien lizard overlord years.
…you look like a monkey and you smell like one, too.
Yet she doesn't look a day over 40!
In those heavily airbrushed and filtered pictures her official site uses, that is; in candid shots she's so wrinkly she looks about 75.
Inchoate hatred ages a crazy bitch.
needz moar turkey neck!
This is also my mother's birthday, but she had the good fortune to pass away in 2004, before this harridan burst on the scene. She also smoked right up to the end, which is why she only lived to be 85.
Some of those photos remind me of Kathryn Harris of Florida. What's old Kitty been up to? She used to be a regular Wonkette feature back in the day.
She's counting hanging chads and butterfly ballots in Wisconsin today.
And Bachmann should be in the same place as Kitty after 2012, hopefully; her district will probably be eliminated and there's no way she's winning the Presidency.
In a delicious bit of irony, her district should be eliminated because her supporters all followed her direction NOT to participate in the Census.
O/T but related. Iowa is losing one congressional district and it appears that Tom Latham and Steve King's districts will be merged. Despite the fact that Tom Latham is a Republiklan, he is greatly more sane than Steve King so hopefully we will rid ourselves of this state's embarrassment.
Unfortunately, MN didn't lose a seat in the census and went red in the legislature, so Bachmann will probably be safe. Look for wingnuts to try and cut up Minneapolis so Ellison can't be re-elected – and for an immediate lawsuit over vote dilution.
MB need to go on Hannity drunk and show us her profile. Then she can claim the Kathryn Harris Boob award.
Kitty's still busy trying to sue Laura Dern for stealing her seamless push-up bra.
Wow, the birthday card turns into a form to send a contribution to her, up to $2.500.00. Color me stunned! Kinda like that stunned look Bachmann always has on her face. I hope she is taking some of the contributions and using it for botox detox.
I just imagine that her top contributors get control to a robotic dildo.
Ever see her try to sit in a chair?
Speaking of dingbat crazy Christian ladies, my hi school daughter was at a museum yesterday with a friend, the friends mother and some small children they were babysitting. This family belongs to a sect which sees them go to church services for, like, three-and-a-half hours every Sunday. They believe that only 144,000 will survive the End Times. The daughter–an outstanding young woman about whom we think very highly–sometimes says things like, "I look down the hall at class change and all I see are dead people." Etc. Which is fine. It's 'Merka. You go right ahead and believe what you want to believe. Anyway, the museum had a dinosaur exhibit. The mother said, "I don't think we should go in there, but finally relented when the little kids threatened to cry and such if they couldn't see the dinosaur. The mother observes a dinosaur bone and says, "It's not real." My daughter says, "What are you talking about? It's right there! They dug it out of the earth." The mother says, "The Devil put it there so that people wouldn't believe the bible." My daughter says, "What other physical objects has the devil put on or in the earth so people wouldn't believe the bible?" The mother walked away. God, how I love that little girl of mine.
12,000 each from the 12 tribes of Israel. You mean you hadn't heard? Need to spend moar time worshippin'n'larnin.
That hardly seems fair–the 12,000 from each of the tribes thing. What if one tribe was made up of total dicks (read: hedge fund mgrs) and another was all righteous dooodes and dooodettes? They still each get to send 12-thou? That's fucked up. Who do I see about this?
Big thumbs up! Props to your daughter and to her awesome parents.
Thank you for raising a child that can think for herself!
I am upfisting your daughter .
And I'm upfisting you to compensate for the Return of the Downfisting Troll.
Again today, buddy? Fellah, go look at porn. It's healthier than what you're doing here.
Thanks Darling.I upfist you with much love.
Thank you, Limey. Normally this "upfisting" idea would be, ahem, troubling to a father, but in this case we both appreciate your thought!
Love It. That made my day. Maybe there is still hope for us.
I worked with a guy like that. He was terrifying. He brought his wife and poor kids in once and it looked like the Santorum fambly. Really sad for the kids.
It makes you wonder how many 'last generation' kids have been raised over the years. What a sad view to have of the future growing up.
At least they won't be disappointed by their *real* future: no job, no school, no health care, fighting over old Slim Jims behind the exploded AM/PM mini mart.
Bachmann/Palin 2012.
With the theme song "You ain't seen nothin yet"?
Since it's Wonkette, we have to ask: think she gets it in the pooper?
That would explain some of the facial expressions. Although in true Wonkette fashion it seems more likely her "pray away the gay" hubby is the catcher and she uses a strap on.
Pegging is for those people in the Sin Cities (like Minneapolis-St.Paul) who visit smut shops and dens of sodomy and know what the word "pegging" means.
Or could it be that, like Callista Gingrich, she's highly skilled in oral sex?
yeah, but on her own birthday you'd think she's at least get her horizons opened, clear out some wrinkles, &c.
C'mon doesn't ANYBODY read the alt-text anymore?
Like Bachmann doing it in the pooper, I only read them on my birthday.
In that case:
Today we are all unionist/terrorist thugs.
I am un chien Minnesota.
"Slicin' up social programs, HA HA HA HO!"
Anagrams of Michele Bachmann include: Ice Lamb Henchman and Hmm, Hence in Cabal.
All other issues aside, whoever talked her into wearing that black eye makeup needs to be smacked. The eyebrows are too severe, too.
thats weird, Aries♈ aren't usually such airheads…
I know, right? I married an Aries and she's kinda the anti-bachmann: sweet, calm, responsible, sexy, courageous. But stubborn as a damn mule, so there is that….
Know who else was an Aries???
Wink Martindale?
Lee Iacocca?
55 already? That makes her eight years older than Saint Sarah and 13 years older than Witchy Christine…she better run next year or she'll already be all washed up.
Also, as much as I hate her, I want the name of her plastic surgeon…
Pretty sure she's 155 years old, because she acts she was born in 1856 before the Civil War ruined everything. (But after she believes the Founding Fathers freed the slaves.)
In a useful irony, April 6 is also the birthday of the pioneering aircraft engineer Anthony Fokker (designer of the famous Triplane flown by the Red Baron)…
So, then. It's Fokker and Mutha-Fokker day.
I'm sorry, but a certain series of increasingly shitty movies has run that form of joke into the ground to the point they are annoying instead of funny.
Vell, no, dese fokkers were flyin' Messerschmitts!
You know, I'd actually managed to post the thing about Anthony without thinking of anything other than the Dr.I Dreidecker and the D.VII biplane, which Wikipedia sez was "the only aircraft ever referred to directly in a treaty: all DVII's were singled out for handover to the allies in ther terms of the armistice agreement."
But now I have had to think about those movies, which I have never seen, and now I hate myself. For what it's worth, like (some) American foreign policy, my intentions were good.
Fokker family is this generations Family Vacation movies.
"Okay Michele, look at the camera. No, to your left. Your other left. Right here, yes, the one with the lens. No, not the mirror to your right."
Her body says "55", but her eyes say "ageless cosmic horror from beyond the fabric of reality".
Ia! Ia! Bachmann flagn!
So, Bachmann is just 55. She is just reaching the peak of her bat-shit crazy years.
This is true. Speaking as someone who is 54 and rapidly descending into my own batshit crazy, I welcome the competition.
Happy Birthday Michele.
PS: If your teeth were on fire, I may consider pissing in your mouth, but only if you say "thanks to a Democrat, my teeth are safe."
Retired Union Firefighter and South Austin Hippie.
I used to live on West Elizabeth , just off South Congress there.
Lizzie,
We were neighbor's. I live on West Mary Street, near the School for the Deaf.
Whoa, your Urban Dictionary entry sucks!
Bob Marley's father was Irish, and his mother mixed-race. That makes him 25% less Kenyan than Barack.
Marley, Haggard, and Zamfir all in one day? I'm going to have a rum, a bourbon, and an ouzo tonight to observe their day, and then vomit to observe Bachmann's day.
"One Rum, One Bourbon, and One Ouzo."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vs72AsFfgfk
Oh fine she will get "Classic" Medicare but I will have to make do with poultices made from bark and twigs.
55 is Sweet 16 in Bible Years.
He was already so damaged that you just didn't notice the difference.
I may not be rich or famous but my wife is so much hotter than her.
P.s. ya downfist my wife comment and im hunting yer ass down.
Your wife is hotter? Introduce me to her.
Pics or GTFO.
They just don't make the Stepford models as well as they once did now that the factories are outsourced to Vietnam.
Happy Birthday Michele — and you don't listen to what all those crazy liberals are saying. Just keep protecting America from the ravages of Sharia law, forced abortion camps for black girls, the Mexico-to-Canada superhighway, and George Soros' evil scheme to convert all coal-fired power plants to run on Bibles. Someday all your hard work will be appreciated.
Brilliant.
There was no soul for her to suck out of his boozy husk.
I stuffed her birthday card with lots of Ameros.
I was so full of praise and called her a Nubian Princess and said how thrilled I was that she is the First Lady
awesome.
"We're running out of rich people in this country."
Michele Bachmann, February 14, 2009
I still say we should put a big sign that says "I'M WITH STUPID" on the moon with an arrow pointing at Michele. Just so the galaxy doesn't blame us.
I thought that was Al Franken.
I could not bring myself to say anything to this horrible, horrible person. Not even electronically. I wish her to fut the shuck up.
What's with the leather jackets? I notice all the conservative kids have these days. Is it some kind of tribe identification thing? The ladies have colors besides black . All the guys have black. Just wondering.
And her age is what qualifies her for higher office. From Fox News:
"Again, I haven't made the decision [to run], but I do have a very broad extensive background," she said. "I'm a student of many years, I've studied a number, a wide berth of topics. I sit currently on the Intelligence Committee, we deal with the classified secrets and with the unrest that's occurring around the world. I also sit on the financial services committee. But again, I've lived life. Tomorrow I'll be celebrating my 55th birthday."
"Wow," O'Reilly interjected when he heard her age.
"I've had a wide extensive life and again my background is a very practical, solution-oriented" one, she added.
I wish it was 1974. Then she wouldn't be allowed over the double-nickel.
(ps thank you American television. Without you I wouldn't know this, nor would I have seen more of the geography of California than of everywhere else in the entire world including my home town)
I knew a Trock Nutzzanusburgher in high school. He was a big ole aggie ballsac until the seed hopper accident. RIP Trock.
They all end up looking like Babs Bush eventually.
55? would have guessed much younger. Bachmann is, for her age, little short of stunning, which can only mean that this picture is in her attic, getting meaner and uglier by the day.
To quote Sammy Hagar (sort of) "I can't (pile)drive 55!
You know I signed up to have her send stuff to my yahoo address. Which is where I sign up if I think giving out my email address will generate lots of spam.
When I recieved this particular piece of email I did try to figure out a way to send her my special wishes, which involve a slow painful death from asshole cancer, but was unable to get the message through.
She's two years younger that me and I wouldn't fuck her either, that's because I think she might try to talk to me before, during or after.
Let's not forget the other memorable thing that happened on April 6: The Mormon Church officially founded, in the Wilds of upstate New York. Is there a Bachmann/Romney campaign in our future?
Auspicious indeed!
They gave us Bob Dylan. Of course he got the hell out of there as quickly as he could and never looked back.
Today we are all crazy-eyed aging Ice Princesses begging for contributions while we blow out our 55 candles…
i do not like her.
that is all.
Is Trock Nutzzanusburgher of the Alaska Nutzzanusburgher? 2nd cousins to the Palin family?
The Eight Faces of Eve.
Would the Canadians consider that an act of war?
By my reckoning that should actually make her something like 110, bless her heart.
♪♫She's the girl with faraway eyes.♪♫
The body may be 55 years old. That demon soul – the soul she formed from the lifeforce of an unconfirmed number of stillborn infants – and the unadulterated crazy, however, have existed and haunted terra firma from time immemorial.
Why is the left so incredibly rude? Why does the left always go straight for the ad hominem insult? Why does the left scream and shout slogans to drown out discourse? Because the left does not belive in freedom of speech, does not believe in civil discourse, and cannot win any argument that is based on logic and reason.
You can call Michele Bachmann whatever you want for now. In 2013 you'll call her Madam President.
STFU, you after-birther goon.
How you like them ad hominem apples?
It's those zombie eyes, don't stare at her!!!
Happy Birtherday Madame President
What's the deal with that lady?
i don't believe it. we might have to cut her open and count the rings.
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