IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA  9:05 am April 6, 2011

Fish Union Unamused By Radioactive Sushi, Demands Compensation

by Riley Waggaman

There's plenty of delicious fish around the Gulf Coast!

  • A trade group representing Japanese fishermen (see: scummy fish union) has called TEPCO — the company that owns the nuclear power plant that is currently exploding — incompetent and “unforgivable.” Specifically, the group is less than thrilled about Tokyo Electric and the Japanese government deciding to dump 11,500 tons of radioactive water into the Pacific Ocean, resulting in, among other problems, radioactive fish and eels. But the ocean is so big and 11,500 tons is not that much radioactive water-goo, so these fishermen are probably just a bunch of whiny extortionists! (Just like the lazy fishermen on the Gulf Coast, who keep asking for handouts/”alive” baby dolphins.) Geezus. Authorities have allegedly plugged up the radioactive leaks in the reactors, so maybe conditions will improve and everything will be okay? Ha-ha, Maybe. [CNN/BBC]
  • Oh great, something new & miserable: There is a serial killer on the prowl in Long Island! [CBS]
  • Wachovia laundered billions of dollars for Mexican drug cartels — but bankers aren’t allowed to go to prison, since they are upstanding citizens with sweet tax breaks. Meanwhile: Wells Fargo, which owns Wachovia, has been fined (only) $11.2 million for selling shitty investments to people who selfishly hoped they could retired before 80. [The Guardian/McClatchy]
  • Oil prices continue to hinder America’s Economic Recovery. (Wait, what recovery?) We thought that the Freedum for Oil pact that we signed with CIA agents pretending to be Libyan rebels was working? [AP]
 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 136 comments }

donner_froh April 6, 2011 at 9:08 am

It isn't a leak if they are dumping the radioactive water as part of a plan, right?

Problem solved.

PsycWench April 6, 2011 at 9:45 am

Oh. I thought "radioactive leaks" referred to urination after radiation exposure.

Doktor Zoom April 6, 2011 at 9:54 am

In Joseph Heller's mostly-disappointing Closing Time (the 1994 sequel to Catch-22), the long-retired Chaplain is taken into custody when he's found to be pissing tritium. That, and Heller's semi-amusing portrait of President Dan Quayle (he's never named, but it's obvious; his Secret Service codename is "the little prick"), are really just about the only thing I can remember about that book.

V572..whatever April 6, 2011 at 10:19 am

Isn't it a shame that Heller had only one really good book in him? But it was really, really good.

Doktor Zoom April 6, 2011 at 11:01 am

When an interviewer told him he had never written anything as good as "Catch-22," Heller, a man who knew his worth, replied, "Who has?"

–from the NYT obituary

trampndirtdown April 6, 2011 at 9:50 am

Maybe we can make BP install one of those live cam thingys at Fukushima, then they can run it in youtube and show everyone how great things are going.

Doktor Zoom April 6, 2011 at 10:21 am

Or they could just link to the Eagle Cam. Ahh. Baby eagles.

Zvi_Bleindmeis April 6, 2011 at 11:01 am

*teardrop*

Doktor Zoom April 6, 2011 at 11:08 am
weejee April 6, 2011 at 9:53 am

It's therapeutic donner. There's been a rash of Japanese eel thyroid cancer going around so the iodine 131 is just what the doctor ordered.

SorosBot April 6, 2011 at 9:13 am

Cheer up, fishermen; cancer-ridden fish and eels should be much easier to catch than healthy ones.

Terry April 6, 2011 at 9:22 am

Just harder to sell to anyone.

Maybe market Japanese seafood in a new way. If it glows in the dark, you can have a romantic dinner without lighting a single candle.

4tehlulz_lite April 6, 2011 at 9:25 am

Only if you tell them about it.

If you say they are "full of energy" and will "make your skin glow," that shit will fly off the shelves.

BerkeleyBear April 6, 2011 at 9:34 am

Redbull should be approached about this – it would make the "gives you wings" commercials more truthful.

Swampgas_Man April 6, 2011 at 11:01 am

And possibly gills! Who WOULDN'T want that shit?

Boojum_Reborn April 6, 2011 at 10:01 am

And bigger, with wings and fur.

Serolf_Divad April 6, 2011 at 10:25 am

Or not

Rarian Rakista April 6, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Just wait until they have to deal with Sharkapus.

vulpes82 April 6, 2011 at 9:17 am

UNION THUGZZZZ!!!1!!! How dare they protest radioactive fish! I want my ocean back!

freakishlywrong April 6, 2011 at 9:19 am

Oil prices Republicans continue to hinder America’s Economic Recovery.

trampndirtdown April 6, 2011 at 9:28 am

Republicans continue to hinder America's Economic Recovery.
Shortened it up for you.

SorosBot April 6, 2011 at 9:33 am

And intentionally, too; these guys want the economy in a tailspin in 2012 so they can blame it on Obama, so they're doing everything they can to prevent a real recovery.

freakishlywrong April 6, 2011 at 9:39 am

What's worse is the intentional pain and suffering they intend to inflict on us. Thuglican's love, (and create), chaos and disarray when there's a D in office, so they can project their utter failure of governance on to libruls. Rebub House, Democratic Pres. Shutdown of Government.

donner_froh April 6, 2011 at 9:19 am

Wachovia is a living the gangsta life: They moved $4.7 billion in "bulk cask", laundered profits from 22 tons of cocaine, paid for a DC 9 full of cocaine. A real hip-hop bank.

Terry April 6, 2011 at 9:23 am

Wells Fargo wagon replaced by the paddy wagon?

Angry_Marmot April 6, 2011 at 9:35 am

They turn gangsta when you're late on a car loan…

Dudleydidwrong April 6, 2011 at 10:26 am

One story in Bloomberg about Wells Fargo money laundering for Mex drug cartels can be found at http://www.bloomberg.com/news/print/2010-06-29/ba

Evidently B of A was also involved. No one was prosecuted at either bank because of the "too-big-to-fail" policy of the US guv'ment. Banks are too big to fail. But little guys who foul up their tax returns don't fall under that policy.

AJW@[redacted] April 6, 2011 at 11:15 am

My fundie nephew is a lawyer for them, which keeps me away from both the bank and family reunions.

4tehlulz_lite April 6, 2011 at 9:20 am

You mean there are Japanese fishermen who didn't hunt whales?

Who knew?

ManchuCandidate April 6, 2011 at 9:21 am

How do you say Blinky (3 eyed fish from when the Simpsons were good) in Japanese?

4tehlulz_lite April 6, 2011 at 9:24 am

Urotsukidoji

memzilla April 6, 2011 at 9:24 am

すっぱい .

Zvi_Bleindmeis April 6, 2011 at 11:03 am

I'll ask Mr. Sparkle.

bumfug April 6, 2011 at 9:22 am

And they thought the fugu was deadly!

memzilla April 6, 2011 at 9:22 am

"Cocaine" is the best explanation of the doomed-to-fail mortgage securitization frenzy I've heard to date.

Swampgas_Man April 6, 2011 at 11:03 am

Cocaine seems like a better back-up to the US ecomedy than oil, at this point.

Thurman Munster IV April 6, 2011 at 9:22 am

In other news, the Cheese Revolution was likely squashed by moneyed interests as David Prosser leads in the Wisc supreme court election. Why even wake up?

freakishlywrong April 6, 2011 at 9:30 am

At least it was close? Joan Walsh did a nice piece at Salon basically advocating for supporting local progressive causes as opposed to getting behind Obamar just yet.
http://www.salon.com/news/wisconsin/index.html?st

BerkeleyBear April 6, 2011 at 9:37 am

But they retook the Milwaukee County Executive post, so there's that. Right???

Plus there's gonna be a recount in the judicial election – it is under 1000 votes and will likely tighten since what is left to count is in Milwaukee.

Goonemeritus April 6, 2011 at 9:24 am

Nice to see a great American company like Wells Fargo leverage their expertise and find new avenues for growth in this slow economy. Look for them to be rewarded in share price this week.

LabRodent April 6, 2011 at 9:25 am

Hey that rodent at the top is kinda cute.

Mumbletypeg April 6, 2011 at 9:33 am

Yeah.. Turns out those zombie rat floaters do clean up kinda nice

comptoneffect April 6, 2011 at 9:33 am

You mean that Syrian Hamster? You know it’s probably Muslim.

Angry_Marmot April 6, 2011 at 9:44 am

Poor bastard's been in the cage so long, can't tell a chicken from a squirrel. Institutionalized.

LabRodent April 6, 2011 at 9:54 am

Its hard for me to think straight with this human ear graphed to my back.

DashboardBuddha April 6, 2011 at 10:14 am

I hear what you're saying.

Andrew Drinker April 6, 2011 at 11:04 am

This is good news for Mike Huckabee!

DashboardBuddha April 6, 2011 at 9:44 am

You want we should hook you two up?

LabRodent April 6, 2011 at 9:58 am

Maybe not. I think im infected with something. Oh yeah i know im infected with something

comptoneffect April 6, 2011 at 10:04 am

Well, I think another course of radiation should clear up that infection. I got the ket/xyl cocktail here so we're ready to go.

Angry_Marmot April 6, 2011 at 10:00 am

Hamsters lure you in with the winsome face and the cheek pouches, then they eat their own children and stay up all night with the goddamn wheel.

DashboardBuddha April 6, 2011 at 10:15 am

Oy…don't get me started. My ex-wife liked hamsters and Guinea pigs.

MissTaken April 6, 2011 at 10:28 am

I'm starting to understand the "ex" part.

Pragmatist2 April 6, 2011 at 9:30 am

Radioactive fish aren't so bad. They glow in the dark which is cool. And as food they are only a problem for sushi lovers. If you cook them the radiation isn't a problem.

weejee April 6, 2011 at 9:54 am

With the radiation won't they be already cooked when you catch 'em?

Pragmatist2 April 6, 2011 at 9:57 am

Yes. But they won't be breaded.

CliveWarren April 6, 2011 at 9:30 am

Wachovia? Sounds Polish…

Fuck, invade or marry?

4tehlulz_lite April 6, 2011 at 9:32 am

In Poland's case, aren't those all the same?

Angry_Marmot April 6, 2011 at 9:47 am

I see you've met my ex.

Zvi_Bleindmeis April 6, 2011 at 11:07 am

When I first saw the name, I thought it was pronounced like "Watch over ya," and thought it was quaint.

Then I found out it's pronounced like "Walk all over ya."

Monsieur_Grumpe April 6, 2011 at 9:31 am

Gamera is really neat.
Gamera is filled with meat.
We've been eating Gamera!
Shell
Teeth
Eyes
Flames
Claws
Breath
Scales
Fun!

vulpes82 April 6, 2011 at 11:25 am

Friend to children everywhere!

undeterredbyreality April 6, 2011 at 9:35 am

Why can't that serial killer head to the Jersey Shore?

KeepFnThatChicken April 6, 2011 at 9:38 am

WIN ALL THUMBS

comptoneffect April 6, 2011 at 9:54 am

And then over to Wall Street.

poncho_pilot April 6, 2011 at 10:31 am

he doesn't like to kill in his own back yard.

magnetite April 6, 2011 at 11:19 am

If there is a trigger phrase that awakens a horde of elderly, yet still very deadly Soviet sleeper agents, I hope it's "season four of Jersey Shore".

Boojum_Reborn April 6, 2011 at 9:37 am

Fish unions are gay marriage with fish, right? So radioactivity is anti-Christmas and leads to man-fish hybrids?

DeeJayKitteh April 6, 2011 at 9:51 am

Wouldn't fish unions be lesbian weddings?

Boojum_Reborn April 6, 2011 at 9:58 am

No, because then they would be hawt, with radioactivity.

Rarian Rakista April 6, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Only if you don't use protection.

DeeJayKitteh April 6, 2011 at 9:37 am

These fisherman aren't looking at the bright side of all this. Personally, I'm looking forward to the radioactive Godzilla fish superhero that will inevitably develop.

freakishlywrong April 6, 2011 at 9:42 am

I can't wait for the movie!

DeeJayKitteh April 6, 2011 at 9:51 am

Better yet, the reality show!

KeepFnThatChicken April 6, 2011 at 9:38 am

See? SEE?! I told you people that sushi was fuckin' bad for you. But did you listen? Oh, NOOOOO… you're all like "but it's sooo good!", and I was like "You'll find out one day."

Nobody listens to teh Chicken.

SonofSpermcube April 6, 2011 at 10:15 am

Hey, the possibility of getting parasites was always there.

BerkeleyBear April 6, 2011 at 9:39 am

Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

Rick James, RIP
Wachovia Execs, burn in hell

SorosBot April 6, 2011 at 9:51 am

That's my back; I feel so proud.

metamarcisf April 6, 2011 at 9:40 am

Hey Wonkette. I wondered if your research staff could do me a favor and find out how many independent Japanese science fiction films are currently in production. And then find out if there's a part available for Terry Jones.

donner_froh April 6, 2011 at 9:41 am

The Japanese know how to deal with a crisis. When the amount of radiation from the Fukushima plant spiked they just increased the allowable limit of radiation considered safe.

Why get hysterical when it is just about numbers?

undeterredbyreality April 6, 2011 at 9:47 am

Taking a page from the Bush Admin's position on mercury poisoning, lead poisoning, etc. etc. etc.

trampndirtdown April 6, 2011 at 9:45 am

And we were all worried about mercury, stupid Enviro's

SonofSpermcube April 6, 2011 at 9:47 am

We keep hearing about the iodine levels…but that will be back to normal a few months after (if) the reaction is stopped. (Half life of 8 days.) What about the cesium and cobalt? Christ, saying "radiation levels" is less than useless.

weejee April 6, 2011 at 9:56 am

'Zactly. The cesium has a halfer of 30 years.

SonofSpermcube April 6, 2011 at 10:15 am

Hah, just found the answer to my question in a tab I opened yesterday and hadn't read. Cesium levels are a mere 1.1 million times the legal limit, versus 7.5 million for iodine. I expect that'll get diluted a bit, but yeah, that'll be a few centuries.

PsycWench April 6, 2011 at 9:47 am

People who bank with Wachovia should have started to get suspicious when their statements arrived liberally sprinkled with this white stuff.

Swampgas_Man April 6, 2011 at 11:07 am

They just thought it was anthrax, perfectly normal.

Andrew Drinker April 6, 2011 at 11:09 am

Is it Anthrax or is it Studio 54?

cheaphits April 6, 2011 at 9:52 am

"TEPCO — the company that owns the nuclear power plant that is currently exploding"

If not "currently", it's getting closer to the KA-BOOM every day and made real strides forward toward dooming us all yesterday. Practice your duck and cover.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/06/world/asia/06nu

undeterredbyreality April 6, 2011 at 9:57 am

Who knew TEPCO and Julian Assange would be having the same problems with protection? (A picture is worth a thousand words: http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2011/04/06/wo… )

undeterredbyreality April 6, 2011 at 9:52 am

In other news, Bristol Palin's nonprofit anti-sex club is a money-making scam. http://thinkprogress.org/2011/04/05/bristol-palin

Oh, wait. We already knew that.

mumbly_ジョジョ April 6, 2011 at 10:04 am

So a high school dropout uses her pseudo-celebrity to use a non-profit as a moneymaking front to siphon a six figure salary to herself, and somewhere, right now, there is a conservative politician shouting, "WHY DO YOU WANT TO PUNISH SUCCESS?! JOB CREATORS! CLASS WAR!"

donner_froh April 6, 2011 at 10:39 am

If this isn't defined as some type of theft, then Noah Webster lived in vain.

SorosBot April 6, 2011 at 11:15 am

Having a Palin involved was pretty much a dead giveaway the thin was a scam.

V572..whatever April 6, 2011 at 9:54 am

Big news of the day: Mickey Kaus says something true and funny:
http://dailycaller.com/2011/04/06/suicide-by-wonk

El Pinche April 6, 2011 at 10:03 am

Those hoverounds aint gonna pay for themselves.

mumbly_ジョジョ April 6, 2011 at 9:58 am

Don't be silly, Japanese fisherman, there's nothing to worry about: If Pokemon is any indication, japenese radioactive eels are just what happen when japanese electric eels level up!

Pragmatist2 April 6, 2011 at 9:59 am

One serial killer isn't much for a place as big as Long Island.

FlownOver April 6, 2011 at 10:03 am

A recommendation for TEPCO honchos:

Hattori Hsnzo steel. 'Nuff said.

widestanceroman April 6, 2011 at 10:30 am

Lucy Lui lost her head over the exceptional quality.

Troubledog April 6, 2011 at 10:11 am

If dolphins are so smart, why do they keep getting caught in those tuna nets?

El Pinche April 6, 2011 at 10:36 am

Yeah fuck dolphins, those overrated turds with fins.

alzronnie April 6, 2011 at 10:15 am

Why doesn't TEPCO get the governor of Japan to put the brakes on those over-paid fishermen? They are hurting Amer…, er, Japan.

mumbly_ジョジョ April 6, 2011 at 10:15 am

Welp, Guess I'm changing banks. Anybody have any suggestions? Chase? Oh, wait. Citibank? Ugh. Bank of Amer- oh man I can't even finsh that thought without laughing.

But, no, really, does anyone know of a decent New York bank that isn't steeped in unmitigated evil at this point?

lochnessmonster April 6, 2011 at 10:21 am

Seriously, we moved our money to our local credit union. Much nicer people and they jump out in front w/ideas to save us money.

mumbly_ジョジョ April 6, 2011 at 10:44 am

I'm incredibly tempted to, but rather put off by how unbelievably shady my local credit union happens to be. Which on one hand is balanced by the feel-good notion of helping to contribute economically to my own neighborhood, which could use the investment, but on the other hand, I'm also a poor and would rather not have to deal with the constant ATM fees, either.

V572..whatever April 6, 2011 at 10:23 am

Credit union, like lochnessmonster sez. They've liberalized the rules about who can join one and almost any affinity group is qualified.

DaRooster April 6, 2011 at 10:31 am

You could back me at poker?
Or, if you're not a fan of that… Bring the car around, we're goin' to the Titty Bar!

widestanceroman April 6, 2011 at 10:31 am

A decent New York bank–you slay me, mumbsie!

V572..whatever April 6, 2011 at 10:34 am

Also USAA Bank. They're terrific, reimburse ATM fees from any other institution. Can't recommend 'em enough.

Dudleydidwrong April 6, 2011 at 10:41 am

We're looking at going all credit union. Don't know if it would work for you, though.

4TheTurnstiles April 6, 2011 at 10:44 am

if you need a full-service bank rather than a CU, look at Amalgamated Bank, which is owned by labor and has a branch near the New School; Carver Federal Savings and First American International have Community Development mandates; and United Central Bank is also an option (they have high deposit rates and do good work in the Asian-American [even Muslin!]) communities

V572..whatever April 6, 2011 at 10:22 am

The Dems are in a difficult spot, to be sure. They could call the GOPers' bluff and really shut down the gummint Cambodian-Year-Zero style, empty out VA hospitals, not send Soshecurity checks, not honor Medicare, close the airports, etc. And it's tempting to think of doing that. But there'd be a bit of a — what's the word? — oh yeah, a backlash when they close the park at your local Corps of Engineers dam.

Terry April 6, 2011 at 10:23 am

Something to keep in mind when you see Japanese people publically protesting. In their culture, it's a huge step to protest or otherwise make a public scene. In America, we'll holler comparatively easily and start drawing up signs, pack a lunch, and head to the park to protest. They don't do that as easily as we (or the Europeans) do.

mourningnmerica April 6, 2011 at 10:57 am

In theory. In practice, our gigantic American asses are anchored to the sofa, watching Teen Mom. That, plus the fact that we have the collective civic awareness of a banana slug means you used to be correct, but not any more. Your point is taken, though. It takes a lot for them to complain.

Poindexter718 April 6, 2011 at 10:27 am

Shut it, fishmonger-san.
You know very well that certain Japanese businessmen will pay a premium for isotopimaki especially if served by a nubile geisha with extra digits on their hands and freakishly engorged … lips.

OneDollarJuana April 6, 2011 at 10:41 am

There was a Japanese actor in the '60s who had silicone injections in his cheeks to make himself more distinctive (Jô Shishido).

Poindexter718 April 6, 2011 at 11:12 am

No. 2 killer in Branded to Kill–love me some yakuza flix!

Gold_ManSacks April 6, 2011 at 10:35 am

Is it just me or does the last month in Japan sound like the first half hour of a Godzilla movie.

OneDollarJuana April 6, 2011 at 10:37 am

Finally someone (the Japanese) have figured out a way to stop overfishing!

mourningnmerica April 6, 2011 at 10:39 am

I for one have a great deal of confidence in TEPCO. They blinked, and the radioactive water was gone. They have dragon blood.

I predict their executives will give themselves safety bonuses at least as large as TransOcean did.

DaRooster April 6, 2011 at 10:40 am

"Oh great, something new & miserable: There is a serial killer on the prowl in Long Island!"

Is he on the way to the Senate? Please say yes…

philpjfry April 6, 2011 at 10:43 am

Serial killers, leaking radiation and mutant sea monsters, banks being sleazy bastards, republicans wanting to kill all poor people (everyone but sleazy bankers.) Is there no good news in America today, or any day?

jus_wonderin April 6, 2011 at 10:45 am

Ah phooey. What's the issue with us all eventually glowing in the dark? Are there NO upsides to this???

mavenmaven April 6, 2011 at 10:50 am

If this were the US, the Japanese people would soon be forced to apologize to GE and the power companies for being victims of their nuclear power plant design failures.

NadePaulKuciGravMcKi April 6, 2011 at 11:27 am

cancer from the water you drink
cancer from the air you breathe
cancer from the food you eat
Multinational Corporations
corrupt controlled media
corrupt controlled FDA
corrupt controlled EPA

SorosBot April 6, 2011 at 11:47 am

The crazy man is back! Here I thought maybe he'd been banhammered again and I missed it.

NadePaulKuciGravMcKi April 7, 2011 at 1:44 pm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVNeMV3fvUY

The leading horse is white
The second horse is red
The third one is a black
The last one is a green

The Four Horsemen
Aphrodite's Child

Apocalyptic
Fukushima
Babylon
Sisters

NadePaulKuciGravMcKi April 7, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Internal Emitters…

Gopherit April 6, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Glowing toro would sell like crazy. What's a little radiation anyway……Ann Coulter said it's great for you, so it must be fine.

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum April 6, 2011 at 1:45 pm

There is a serial killer on the prowl in Long Island

Glenn's got a lot more free time now that he's leaving Fox.

DashboardBuddha April 6, 2011 at 10:56 am

Oy…the rodents just scratched the surface and the sides of their cages.

emmelemm April 6, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Waterworld!!!

I wouldn't mind some gills, honestly.

MissTaken April 6, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Oy indeed.

Swampgas_Man April 7, 2011 at 1:18 am

W/ global climate change, they may prove more useful than wings.

Angry_Marmot April 7, 2011 at 11:10 am

I'll speak up with love for the guinea pigs, but fuck tha hamsters.

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