it's morning in america

Fish Union Unamused By Radioactive Sushi, Demands Compensation

There's plenty of delicious fish around the Gulf Coast!

  • A trade group representing Japanese fishermen (see: scummy fish union) has called TEPCO — the company that owns the nuclear power plant that is currently exploding — incompetent and “unforgivable.” Specifically, the group is less than thrilled about Tokyo Electric and the Japanese government deciding to dump 11,500 tons of radioactive water into the Pacific Ocean, resulting in, among other problems, radioactive fish and eels. But the ocean is so big and 11,500 tons is not that much radioactive water-goo, so these fishermen are probably just a bunch of whiny extortionists! (Just like the lazy fishermen on the Gulf Coast, who keep asking for handouts/”alive” baby dolphins.) Geezus. Authorities have allegedly plugged up the radioactive leaks in the reactors, so maybe conditions will improve and everything will be okay? Ha-ha, Maybe. [CNN/BBC]
  • Oh great, something new & miserable: There is a serial killer on the prowl in Long Island! [CBS]
  • Wachovia laundered billions of dollars for Mexican drug cartels — but bankers aren’t allowed to go to prison, since they are upstanding citizens with sweet tax breaks. Meanwhile: Wells Fargo, which owns Wachovia, has been fined (only) $11.2 million for selling shitty investments to people who selfishly hoped they could retired before 80. [The Guardian/McClatchy]
  • Oil prices continue to hinder America’s Economic Recovery. (Wait, what recovery?) We thought that the Freedum for Oil pact that we signed with CIA agents pretending to be Libyan rebels was working? [AP]

About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

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      1. Doktor Zoom

        In Joseph Heller's mostly-disappointing Closing Time (the 1994 sequel to Catch-22), the long-retired Chaplain is taken into custody when he's found to be pissing tritium. That, and Heller's semi-amusing portrait of President Dan Quayle (he's never named, but it's obvious; his Secret Service codename is "the little prick"), are really just about the only thing I can remember about that book.

        1. V572..whatever

          Isn't it a shame that Heller had only one really good book in him? But it was really, really good.

          1. Doktor Zoom

            When an interviewer told him he had never written anything as good as "Catch-22," Heller, a man who knew his worth, replied, "Who has?"

            –from the NYT obituary

    1. trampndirtdown

      Maybe we can make BP install one of those live cam thingys at Fukushima, then they can run it in youtube and show everyone how great things are going.

    2. weejee

      It's therapeutic donner. There's been a rash of Japanese eel thyroid cancer going around so the iodine 131 is just what the doctor ordered.

  1. SorosBot

    Cheer up, fishermen; cancer-ridden fish and eels should be much easier to catch than healthy ones.

    1. Terry

      Just harder to sell to anyone.

      Maybe market Japanese seafood in a new way. If it glows in the dark, you can have a romantic dinner without lighting a single candle.

      1. 4tehlulz_lite

        Only if you tell them about it.

        If you say they are "full of energy" and will "make your skin glow," that shit will fly off the shelves.

        1. BerkeleyBear

          Redbull should be approached about this – it would make the "gives you wings" commercials more truthful.

    1. SorosBot

      And intentionally, too; these guys want the economy in a tailspin in 2012 so they can blame it on Obama, so they're doing everything they can to prevent a real recovery.

      1. freakishlywrong

        What's worse is the intentional pain and suffering they intend to inflict on us. Thuglican's love, (and create), chaos and disarray when there's a D in office, so they can project their utter failure of governance on to libruls. Rebub House, Democratic Pres. Shutdown of Government.

  2. donner_froh

    Wachovia is a living the gangsta life: They moved $4.7 billion in "bulk cask", laundered profits from 22 tons of cocaine, paid for a DC 9 full of cocaine. A real hip-hop bank.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      One story in Bloomberg about Wells Fargo money laundering for Mex drug cartels can be found at

      Evidently B of A was also involved. No one was prosecuted at either bank because of the "too-big-to-fail" policy of the US guv'ment. Banks are too big to fail. But little guys who foul up their tax returns don't fall under that policy.

      1. AJW@[redacted]

        My fundie nephew is a lawyer for them, which keeps me away from both the bank and family reunions.

  3. memzilla

    "Cocaine" is the best explanation of the doomed-to-fail mortgage securitization frenzy I've heard to date.

  4. Thurman Munster IV

    In other news, the Cheese Revolution was likely squashed by moneyed interests as David Prosser leads in the Wisc supreme court election. Why even wake up?

    1. BerkeleyBear

      But they retook the Milwaukee County Executive post, so there's that. Right???

      Plus there's gonna be a recount in the judicial election – it is under 1000 votes and will likely tighten since what is left to count is in Milwaukee.

  5. Goonemeritus

    Nice to see a great American company like Wells Fargo leverage their expertise and find new avenues for growth in this slow economy. Look for them to be rewarded in share price this week.

    1. Angry_Marmot

      Poor bastard's been in the cage so long, can't tell a chicken from a squirrel. Institutionalized.

      1. LabRodent

        Maybe not. I think im infected with something. Oh yeah i know im infected with something

        1. comptoneffect

          Well, I think another course of radiation should clear up that infection. I got the ket/xyl cocktail here so we're ready to go.

      2. Angry_Marmot

        Hamsters lure you in with the winsome face and the cheek pouches, then they eat their own children and stay up all night with the goddamn wheel.

  6. Pragmatist2

    Radioactive fish aren't so bad. They glow in the dark which is cool. And as food they are only a problem for sushi lovers. If you cook them the radiation isn't a problem.

    1. Zvi_Bleindmeis

      When I first saw the name, I thought it was pronounced like "Watch over ya," and thought it was quaint.

      Then I found out it's pronounced like "Walk all over ya."

    1. magnetite

      If there is a trigger phrase that awakens a horde of elderly, yet still very deadly Soviet sleeper agents, I hope it's "season four of Jersey Shore".

  7. Boojum_Reborn

    Fish unions are gay marriage with fish, right? So radioactivity is anti-Christmas and leads to man-fish hybrids?

  8. DeeJayKitteh

    These fisherman aren't looking at the bright side of all this. Personally, I'm looking forward to the radioactive Godzilla fish superhero that will inevitably develop.

  9. KeepFnThatChicken

    See? SEE?! I told you people that sushi was fuckin' bad for you. But did you listen? Oh, NOOOOO… you're all like "but it's sooo good!", and I was like "You'll find out one day."

    Nobody listens to teh Chicken.

  10. metamarcisf

    Hey Wonkette. I wondered if your research staff could do me a favor and find out how many independent Japanese science fiction films are currently in production. And then find out if there's a part available for Terry Jones.

  11. donner_froh

    The Japanese know how to deal with a crisis. When the amount of radiation from the Fukushima plant spiked they just increased the allowable limit of radiation considered safe.

    Why get hysterical when it is just about numbers?

    1. undeterredbyreality

      Taking a page from the Bush Admin's position on mercury poisoning, lead poisoning, etc. etc. etc.

  12. SonofSpermcube

    We keep hearing about the iodine levels…but that will be back to normal a few months after (if) the reaction is stopped. (Half life of 8 days.) What about the cesium and cobalt? Christ, saying "radiation levels" is less than useless.

      1. SonofSpermcube

        Hah, just found the answer to my question in a tab I opened yesterday and hadn't read. Cesium levels are a mere 1.1 million times the legal limit, versus 7.5 million for iodine. I expect that'll get diluted a bit, but yeah, that'll be a few centuries.

  13. PsycWench

    People who bank with Wachovia should have started to get suspicious when their statements arrived liberally sprinkled with this white stuff.

    1. mumbly_ジョジョ

      So a high school dropout uses her pseudo-celebrity to use a non-profit as a moneymaking front to siphon a six figure salary to herself, and somewhere, right now, there is a conservative politician shouting, "WHY DO YOU WANT TO PUNISH SUCCESS?! JOB CREATORS! CLASS WAR!"

  14. mumbly_ジョジョ

    Don't be silly, Japanese fisherman, there's nothing to worry about: If Pokemon is any indication, japenese radioactive eels are just what happen when japanese electric eels level up!

  15. alzronnie

    Why doesn't TEPCO get the governor of Japan to put the brakes on those over-paid fishermen? They are hurting Amer…, er, Japan.

  16. mumbly_ジョジョ

    Welp, Guess I'm changing banks. Anybody have any suggestions? Chase? Oh, wait. Citibank? Ugh. Bank of Amer- oh man I can't even finsh that thought without laughing.

    But, no, really, does anyone know of a decent New York bank that isn't steeped in unmitigated evil at this point?

    1. lochnessmonster

      Seriously, we moved our money to our local credit union. Much nicer people and they jump out in front w/ideas to save us money.

      1. mumbly_ジョジョ

        I'm incredibly tempted to, but rather put off by how unbelievably shady my local credit union happens to be. Which on one hand is balanced by the feel-good notion of helping to contribute economically to my own neighborhood, which could use the investment, but on the other hand, I'm also a poor and would rather not have to deal with the constant ATM fees, either.

    2. V572..whatever

      Credit union, like lochnessmonster sez. They've liberalized the rules about who can join one and almost any affinity group is qualified.

    3. DaRooster

      You could back me at poker?
      Or, if you're not a fan of that… Bring the car around, we're goin' to the Titty Bar!

    4. V572..whatever

      Also USAA Bank. They're terrific, reimburse ATM fees from any other institution. Can't recommend 'em enough.

    5. Dudleydidwrong

      We're looking at going all credit union. Don't know if it would work for you, though.

    6. 4TheTurnstiles

      if you need a full-service bank rather than a CU, look at Amalgamated Bank, which is owned by labor and has a branch near the New School; Carver Federal Savings and First American International have Community Development mandates; and United Central Bank is also an option (they have high deposit rates and do good work in the Asian-American [even Muslin!]) communities

  17. V572..whatever

    The Dems are in a difficult spot, to be sure. They could call the GOPers' bluff and really shut down the gummint Cambodian-Year-Zero style, empty out VA hospitals, not send Soshecurity checks, not honor Medicare, close the airports, etc. And it's tempting to think of doing that. But there'd be a bit of a — what's the word? — oh yeah, a backlash when they close the park at your local Corps of Engineers dam.

  18. Terry

    Something to keep in mind when you see Japanese people publically protesting. In their culture, it's a huge step to protest or otherwise make a public scene. In America, we'll holler comparatively easily and start drawing up signs, pack a lunch, and head to the park to protest. They don't do that as easily as we (or the Europeans) do.

    1. mourningnmerica

      In theory. In practice, our gigantic American asses are anchored to the sofa, watching Teen Mom. That, plus the fact that we have the collective civic awareness of a banana slug means you used to be correct, but not any more. Your point is taken, though. It takes a lot for them to complain.

  19. Poindexter718

    Shut it, fishmonger-san.
    You know very well that certain Japanese businessmen will pay a premium for isotopimaki especially if served by a nubile geisha with extra digits on their hands and freakishly engorged … lips.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      There was a Japanese actor in the '60s who had silicone injections in his cheeks to make himself more distinctive (Jô Shishido).

  20. Gold_ManSacks

    Is it just me or does the last month in Japan sound like the first half hour of a Godzilla movie.

  21. mourningnmerica

    I for one have a great deal of confidence in TEPCO. They blinked, and the radioactive water was gone. They have dragon blood.

    I predict their executives will give themselves safety bonuses at least as large as TransOcean did.

  22. DaRooster

    "Oh great, something new & miserable: There is a serial killer on the prowl in Long Island!"

    Is he on the way to the Senate? Please say yes…

  23. philpjfry

    Serial killers, leaking radiation and mutant sea monsters, banks being sleazy bastards, republicans wanting to kill all poor people (everyone but sleazy bankers.) Is there no good news in America today, or any day?

  24. jus_wonderin

    Ah phooey. What's the issue with us all eventually glowing in the dark? Are there NO upsides to this???

  25. mavenmaven

    If this were the US, the Japanese people would soon be forced to apologize to GE and the power companies for being victims of their nuclear power plant design failures.

  26. NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    cancer from the water you drink
    cancer from the air you breathe
    cancer from the food you eat
    Multinational Corporations
    corrupt controlled media
    corrupt controlled FDA
    corrupt controlled EPA

  27. Gopherit

    Glowing toro would sell like crazy. What's a little radiation anyway……Ann Coulter said it's great for you, so it must be fine.

  28. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    There is a serial killer on the prowl in Long Island

    Glenn's got a lot more free time now that he's leaving Fox.

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