jay steam

Chuck Grassley Taking ‘Pixturs’ With ’3 SixPak Voleybal’

And people pick on Palin's English?
We have no idea what’s going on here, but it sounds pretty exciting. Also, we hope these young women knew what they were getting into when they became the Chuck Grassley Dance Team.

Not sure what 'redional' is short for.

This really doesn’t help. “Grass$ey”? “The ATL”? Was Chuck in a rap video?

We were going to post after the jump an old Grassley video his people put on YouTube that featured him, among other humorous things, jogging, but it appears to have been taken down. (WHAT’S GRASSLEY HIDING?) Instead, you can watch these! Preferably all at the same time.

We think he may be holding some town meetings. Not sure. [Twitter]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
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  1. Crank_Tango

    Chuck Grassley, fuck you and your pseudo L33T spelling. Pixtur, really?

    Fuck you in the goat ass with Kochbot.

    Also kochbot, they prolly have meds for whatever is wrong with you, but you better act fast cuz yer boys are gunning for the medicaids.

    1. genxr

      By using "x" instead of "c" he saved precious CPU cycles anti-aliasing the fonts for his many twaddler fans, who use much older computers. Or maybe he's just "x" treme?

  2. bureaucrap

    It appears that Sen. Grassley wants take the same stance in the ATL men's room that Sen. Craig did in the MSP men's room.

    1. Gopherit

      Jesus Christ, Captain Downfistie is busy today. I picture him punching his left mouse key repeatedly while battering is micropeen with his other hand, laughing maniacally the whole time, with his mom yelling at him in the background, telling him to turn down "Freebird".

      1. jus_wonderin

        He is a bit frustrated that he can't batter his peen as he misplaced his tweezers.

    2. smokefilledroommate

      Apparently, he was so blotto* he named them Morgan, Megan and Rachel.

      *outdated term Grassley may understand

  3. nounverb911

    "Also, we hope these young women knew what they were getting into when they became the Chuck Grassley Dance Team. "
    I thought Iowa only had "Cow Tipping" teams.

    1. not that Dewey

      Cowtipping — fuckin awesome, man

      [totally fails to find relevant video of scene from "Heathers"]

  4. AKbum

    Play 'em all at once! It's sounds like the Borg! Well, if the Borg only assimilated retards!

    Resistence is…YAYYYYYY! A PUPPPYYYYY!

          1. trondant

            OK, so let me see if I get this – the badgers are WI union members, and Scott Walker is clearly the snake. Mushrooms thrive when kept in the dark and fed a regular diet of bullshit, so they are by definition republican voters.
            Another mystery solved!

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Sweet Jesus on a golf tee, that was fun. Once you get 'em all started you have to race back to the top to get 'em going again, sort of like a sordid game of wack-a-mole. Old Chucky (wasn't there a movie about him?) really varied his delivery for the special conditions in each county/town/insane asylum.

    2. eastcoastelite

      Gah! That was the most fun I've had since I heard Paul Ryan declare "It's not a budget, it's a cause"!!!!

    1. OzoneTom

      Isn't that spelled "kmplEt?

      But yes, he is. And as a result he has a lock on his seat.

    2. i_AM_ready

      Oh man I just looked at the videos and it's creepy how he always smacks his lips at the end.
      Also how he emphasizes words randomly:
      "I'll be at THE! Bugtussle Diner next Tuesday. Hope to SEE! you there!"

      1. trondant

        Foreign languages are hard enough to learn – imagine trying to achieve native fluency in a language not invented on the planet you're from.

        The lipsmacking is him catching insects attracted to the lights of TV cameras with his lizard-person tongue and eating them – it happens too fast for the human eye to see. Also, it explains his need to get in front of a camera whenever possible – he's hungry. Also also, he probably thinks the Bugtussle Diner serves, you know, bugs. Now that I think about it, they probably do. Hell, instead of a table I bet they put you in a glass cage where you wait for bored mall shoppers to walk by and throw a few quarters in the coin slot.

        Don't get me started on the nictitating membranes he uses for eyelids.

  5. aguacatero

    Nubile, fawning interns and the abundant high-end canape notwithstanding, being a Senator would suck.

  6. Clancy_Pants

    You say pixtur, I say picture. Let's call the whole thing off.

    And it looks like he's got a corncob up his ass at the Washington County town meeting. Also.

    1. MissTaken

      The speed is quick with the Downfister today. I barely hit the submit comment button and poor little Judy Jetson already has a big ole 0.

      1. aguacatero

        Because of the downfister's efforts, I am becoming disheartened with both liberalism and snark, probably will not give money or volunteer or vote for Obama or any democrat, ever, nor contribute snarkiness to a stupid liberal blog, ever.

      2. Gopherit

        He also went through and de-followed everyone on wonkette……after he went and followed everyone. That is fucking dedication. Either that or he's an unemployed closet case. Or both. Yeah, probably both.

        1. Crank_Tango

          I think it's a woman who is collecting disability for a raging yeast infection. Also, wears red lipstick and gets all agro when she sees some vanilla-scented tahitian nipplers….

          1. karen

            If she does have a raging yeast infection I almost understand her depressingly shitty mood and the need to focus on something so intently so you aren't thinking about the fires of hell burning in your vajayjay. Yeast infections are the worst kind of awful.

            But likely she isn't suffering one, so piss on you, downfister.

      3. Crank_Tango

        She sure is a fast little cockbot!

        (please apply my comment to both the lurker and to judy jetson, that slut)

  7. smokefilledroommate

    Is Grassley related to the Grass$eys? Also, is there some kind of device out there that Grassley could speak into which would abbreviate his gobbledygook into legible twitterspeak for him?

  8. Beetagger

    Looks like the senator has copped the duckface look that is the rage with so many of today's youth. Cool.

  9. Barbara_i

    You guys need your p-rating fluffed back up. The downfister seems to be done at their shift at Burger King.

      1. Limeylizzie

        I upfisted you baby, as the Kochbot was rampant, I have a big zero on one of my posts as well. Jesus he is such a turdface bastard.

        1. Gopherit

          He quit following all of us on IntenseDebate. I feel so bad now……COME BACK KOCHBOT!!!!

        2. Gopherit

          KEN! The downfist troll says you banned him so he can only take his frustration out by downfisiting and masturbation. PLEASE UNBAN HIM!!!! PLEASE!! ALL EAGLES MUST BE ALLOWED TO SOAR!!!

  10. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Wait, doesn't "six pack" refer to Abs? Clearly this must be a tranny volleyball team.

  11. weejee

    I clicked all the clickies at the same time. You know, he made more sense that way. Not that Grassley made sense mind you, but that there was a collective coherence in playing them all at the same time that was missing if you listened to each one-at-a-time. Playing with the short scroll-down & click delay between each clip made it almost a fugue worthy of Bach Bieber.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Someone with editing skills needs to get on this series, warp his voice into some harmonics like Herr Ashcroft's barbershop quartet on quaaludes.
      It actually impressed me how well he managed to repeat himself with altered audienceteleprompter-directives, depending how many takes were shot, and pass himself off as composed.. Better off communicating this way than as a tweet-freak of nature.

    2. Radio_______

      I just did it. Hardy Wonkette laughter. Now we know what a herd of elected ruminants sounds like. (Wilco will love you, distraught owl.)

  12. 3_Piece_Suet

    I think GraSSley's twatter is having an early onset of eParkinson's.

    Or he's just a dipshit. One or the other.

  13. Mumbletypeg

    I did play them all at once, Jack. Because I'm inherently a glutton for punishment, and at beer-thirty am prone to such misogynist power of suggestion.
    Memo to Chuxy Gras$stain: Needs more blooper reel footage at the end(s).

    1. Mumbletypeg

      misogynist crap, I meant masochistic.

      Another beer for me, and another to rinse the bar of this troll's drool.

  14. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    We have no idea what’s going on here…

    From what I can make out, Chuckles is involved with someone named "Jay Steam"(such and obvious nom de porn). So it's probably the love that dare not Tweet its name.

  15. Guppy06

    Is our children learning?

    On that first one, is it possible that he's had his account hacked by Silvio Berlusconi?

  16. DownFist Troll

    OMG video spam. I'm not watching that much back to back fail.

    Also, learn to twat properly, mofo.

  17. JoshuaNorton

    You could probably totally teach him how to use Twitter….

    If you had infinite time….

    And he was someone else.

  18. Poindexter718

    Obviously Sen. Grassley's extruding his Tweets from well known Des Moines gay bathhouse Jay Steam while cold riffin' Sixers of beer and volleyballing the transexual cover band The 3Ms. And he's got pixturs to prove it.

  19. SudsMcKenzie

    "Please bring your comments, and questions, … firearms, miss-spelled signs, Confederate\Don't Tread on me flags, boots for curb stomping, and crazy Uncle Larry to the _________ Town Hall Meeting."

    p.s. please forget to take your med's.

  20. metamarcisf

    Translation: Ah just got hit in the head with a sixer of Bear Whiz Beer and I'm watching Morgan Freeman pick the glass out of Megyn Kelly's skull. Eat me.

      1. Radio_______

        I should have figured weejee, my bad. The Radio wasn't tuned quite yet in 2008 to the Wonkette frequency.
        The wookie, owl, Mon. Grumpe, Serolf David, and zhubajie were all, however, there.

      2. not that Dewey

        I made the same mistake. It must be the enginerd thing. I usually say "no whiskey on a school night", but whatevs.

        1. not that Dewey

          Apparently I, too, neglected to click through on your linky. It's definitely a Wonkette disease. We all think we're so darned clever.

          1. Radio_______

            Haha, Dewey, I thought you were being clever. That pic captured the other end of her alimentary canal, and, well, I'm not sure which end is better.

  21. user-of-owls

    No, I didn't look at the fucking comments yet, but if someone said "elected ruminant" then I expect royalties. Ameros accepted.

    If they didn't, well that would just figure, wouldn't it? Fucking day like today, fucking week like this, fucking year like this, fucking life like this. So yeah, figures a fucking loser like this couldn't make a stupid fucking meme like "elected ruminant" stick.

      1. user-of-owls

        i'm in a bad way, was desperate for a bit of affirmation. Owls is in a kind of bad place right now

        1. weejee

          Well going back to a paleolithic posting in September of ought nine, I have been able to dust-off my olde grey cells on the origin of the elected ruminates and take note of your cudgeling cud-uhling of Senator Grazely.

          However Radio, V57, ttommy, and weej are oldes who's recent term memories, say anything within the last 15 years or so, moves slower than cud though a four-chambered stomach, but still produces the gas – hence why we are olde farts. We're lucky to remember what we had for breakfast. Our Millennial and GenX Wonketteers shoulda been right on that.

          Consider yourself fully affirmed along with a couple of delectable little mousies through the intertubes.

          1. user-of-owls

            Can't tell you how much this wee(jee) post means to me at a time that I needed it. Never thought a reply would make me weep like this, but it has and I thank you sincerely for being so kind as to reach out across the ether to a friend that's hurting. You really are a bit too good to be true. Lucky me, lucky us.

          2. natl indecency cmdr

            [reaches hand out across the interwebs] oh owl. "Pooh had wandered into the Hundred Acre Wood, and was standing in front of what had once been Owl's house. It didn't look at all like a house now, it looked like a tree that had been blown down; and as soon as a house looks like that, it is time you tried to find another one."


            here for you. take care.

        2. undeterredbyreality

          Sorry to hear this, owls, but didn't they pick your tip earlier? What better affirmation is there? You are hereby affirmed. Elected ruminant indeed (but is it limtd to jst gras$y or aal rpblcn snt3rs?)

          1. user-of-owls

            Thanks UBR, sincerely thanks. Yes you are right, I shouldn't be whining since I did get a break that is ever so rare with the tip thing. I'll try to get over my self-pity self. Thanks again.

          2. undeterredbyreality

            Didn't think it was whining–wanted to sincerely affirm you. Yours are among the posts I look for and aspire to. Truly sorry you're hurting and wish there was more a disconnected aetherial being could do.

          3. undeterredbyreality


            Haven't heard from you for a couple of days. Concerned. How you doing?

          4. Doktor Zoom

            What undeterred said–also hope all is well.

            And if it comes to fisticuffs, we'll give old Johnny Ruminant a good drubbing, I daresay.

          5. Limeylizzie

            Owls? Are you ok? I am snuggling with you across the internets, next I will make you a deicious breakfast and we can crawl back into bed and watch TCM all day.

  22. iburl

    Just hd home Takn frm me by Repomen. Hav nothin 2liv fore aymore,but I kno that GOP I votd 4 is wrking hard 2 fx this cuntree. supr hard.

  23. mumbly_ジョジョ

    I dunno, I kinda find it endearing that Chuck Grass$$l$y tweets the way any lesser drunk would merely speak. That takes commitment, when you think about it.

  24. ttommyunger

    Did not watch the videos of Senator Raisin Nads, I've had my quota of bullshit for the day, fuck you very much.

  25. MarshallBanana

    Oh shit, somebody get a medic, he's having a Twitter seizure. A Tweizure, if you will.

  26. BlueStateLibel

    Is it me, or does he look like Daisy Mae the cow? And nice to see the overpaid dipshit making 400K wasting his time on twitter.

    1. zhubajie

      A meeting in a town with more than 300 residents, probably. Some place like Storm Lake.

    1. MarshallBanana

      Big deal. It takes all of 5 minutes to undo his shit, and Wonkette gets even MORE money. And until I can pay for groceries with pee-points, I really don't give a fuck what number it is.

  27. Rasvar

    Sixpack? Is that three women with two tits?
    Or is it two women with three tits?


    1. MiniMencken

      It's when six massively hung GOProud astroturfers pack your unlube'd, puckered brown rose with their six hot jets of creamy jism. Next question.

  28. Dudleydidwrong

    Chuckles, you old devil you. Who'da thunk it that you were bi. Batting from both sides of the plate–do you think it'll get you more votes? I also didn't know that you were into threesomes, with Morgan, Megan, and Rachel. Ya think they're real names? Could they have been blow-up dollies and you just thought that they didn't move much? And old Jay'Steam the buttsecks champ! Were you up at the Playboy Mansion getting lessons from Hef? You told us you were hiking the Appalachian Trail, you naughty man.

  29. Rotundo_

    Senator Chuckles Grassley, The Bard of Twitter, or Bitter Tard? I'm thinking the latter, but it doesn't matter cause he's the senator for Archer Daniels Midland!!!1!!! More corn squeezins in your soda, your gas tank, more moneys for ADM!!!1!!!1!!!!

    1. MiniMencken

      Judging from the adult dude's expressions in the photos, there is no position in Jockistan more utterly humiliating than coaching a girl's basketball team. Round these here parts, we call it "grinnin' like a jackass eatin' bull thistles." Or, as some would have it, "like a cat eatin' bees."

  30. not that Dewey

    Obvs "pixturs" was an allusion to "Pixar". Gra$$ley totally identifies with the Ed Asner character from Up, what with all the death panels and all, and he's so 733t that he knew all his "followers" would totally get that reference.

    I rest my case.

  31. Radio_______

    Hey downfister, if you don't stop, I'm going to QUIT visiting this lib-commie site.

  32. jlr1076

    I don't think Jefferson or Adams could have written it better themselves.

    God I hate fucking twitter. What a nation (world?) of idiots we've become.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Yes, I, too, was hoping some of our beloved cheeseheads would check in tonight. Maybe they're exhausted from driving olds to the polls all day.

    2. SudsMcKenzie

      Its fuckin close, Prosser is up by 400 votes with 92% in, no idea what precincts are still out.

          1. natl indecency cmdr

            if this doesn't go our way, I just don't know what else we could have done. the Wisconsin airwaves have been amazingly barraged w/ political ads. it's disheartening to think of the thousands upon thousands who made their way to Madison to protest and still the vote is this close. I guess it's easier to scoot your hoverround to the nearest polling place and vote.

          2. Radio_______

            It's so fucked up that teevee ads are a big influence on the political process. 30 seconds of totally slanted, glossy, baloney. Repeated ad nauseum. And then when I hear Obama has a billion dollar war chest for 2012, I just puke.
            It's ALL about the money and keeping enough rubes around to keep the machine greased.

          3. SudsMcKenzie

            8000 absentee ballots left in Milwaukee, R expected to take Walkers seat was soundly beaten (62% against).

            Madison had a 70% voter turn out.

          4. SudsMcKenzie

            From none other than the Weekly Standard; " With 98% of precincts reporting, Prosser has about a 2,000 vote lead out of nearly 1.5 million ballots cast. The potentially bad news for Prosser is that of the uncounted precincts, most of them are in counties that voted for Kloppenburg: 12 in Milwaukee, 1 in Dane, 21 in Eau Claire, 6 in Ashland." Nate Silver MUST be Hard!

  33. Jukesgrrl

    I just checked out some Republican blogs (she said, drying her hands). They're running scared, begging their faithful in Wisconsin to turn out.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Well, now we know where the sane people live (as if we didn't know before). Good luck!

  34. fartknocker

    I love Iowa. It's home of John Deere. I love Texas as it is my home and Ann Richards was my governor.

    Chuck can suck my ball sack full of lightly salted rat dicks.

    I still love Iowa and Texas.

  35. trondant

    Delta is ready when Cornpants is and they fly to Minneapolis-St. Paul, where I hear they have mens' rooms.

  36. bflrtsplk

    Play them all one after the other and it's like "Row Row Row Your Boat." Gently down the stream.

  37. sezme

    If you play them all at once, the effect is much like being eaten alive by zombies at a midwestern insurance broker convention.

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