the book that can justify anything!

Bryan Fischer: Jesus Had Disciples So They Would Become GOP Politicians

'The lowly should shut up. These rich people really need a tax cut.'“Jesus’ entire discipleship program with his apostles was an academy designed to prepare them for service in the political arena.” Oh, right, of course, Bryan Fischer. Christianity is really nothing more than one bearded guy’s boutique political consulting/candidate training shop. “I will wash your feet, then you go forth and wash the feet of wealthy campaign bundlers and make sure they bring in the big bucks so you can make a large media buy,” said Christ to the disciples. Bryan Fischer knows Jesus wanted Christians to be politicians. But he didn’t want just any kind of politicians; he wanted politicians that cut social programs for poor people. Yep, that sounds like Jesus.

People pursue public office for one of two reasons, one contrary to the spirit of Christ, the other consistent with it. Some – perhaps most – pursue public office because they want to control other people. They see themselves as the smartest people in the room, the elite, people so smart that they believe they should make lifestyle choices for other people, for the benighted masses who are too stupid to make intelligent decisions for themselves. This, Jesus says, is how the “Gentiles” do it, but it is “not so with you.”

Others – sadly, the great minority – pursue public office because they want to liberate people rather than control them. They want people free to make choices that affect their own lives without the interference of the overreaching hand of government. They want to free their constituents to engage in the God-given right to the “pursuit of happiness” without bureaucrats defining happiness for them. This is public service in the spirit of Christ.

“Go forth and let businesses pollute my lands,” Jesus said. “And let them see if they can kill off any of the species my Father created while they’re at it. When you serve Big Business, you serve me.”

This would lead the Christ-centered statesman to gradually get government out of the welfare business altogether, for example, because welfare has done more damage to children than any thing government has done.

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“Bring me your lepers, poor people, the lame, all those fuckers,” Jesus said, “so I can tell them to get a job.”

Bottom line: we need more people in public office who think like Christ and fewer people who think like Karl Marx.

Bottom line: we need to pretend Christ was a consummate capitalist who hated helping the poor, and that way we can say Jesus hates Democrats. [AFA]

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236 comments

  1. 4TheTurnstiles

    Sure, more people who think they're God and do everything they can to get killed. Well played, Mr. Fisher.

    By contrast, that Marx fellow spent all his time at the library reading. Can't have that for a role model.

    1. doloras

      Much like Karl Marx, Jesus was a failure in the job market. Jesus quit a good gig in the carpentry shop to go preachin'; Marx got fired from his only real job (as a railway clerk) for having illegible handwriting.

    1. DaRooster

      I too have long wondered how "Christians" came to think that all that stuff Jesus said had nothing to do with treating people properly and taking care of each other and the earth.

      1. Beowoof

        Kind of interesting that their reading skills are insufficient to derive the meaning of the biblical text. Of course these fuckers are too stupid too read it for themselves, they have Pastor Billy Job Bob read it for them and give them the skinny.

      2. Swampgas_Man

        Aww, I'm sure pagans believe a lot of bullshit too. As long as you pal around w/ an invisible friend, he'll never argue w/ you.

    2. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

      Or, like Gandhi put it:

      I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.

    3. ph7

      I'm not cool with Jesus. For a God, or the Son of God, whatever that is, he sure seems awfully complacent about people throwing around his name while spreading misery and pain. I'd expect a cool God to put an end to that – call people out on their bullshit. And Jesus needs to make sure his his biography is updated every now and then. 2,000 years and we're still on the First edition?

      1. SorosBot

        He did release an update in 1830, in the form of golden plates that only one man could read.

      1. magnetite

        Why it's almost as if they've settled their evil backsides securely on his shoulders and are riding him like a fucking horse, whipping him into going their way and shouting over the top of him when he tries to speak.

    1. unclejeems

      Yeah, reminds me of the saying we had a few decades ago–Jesus is comin' again, and is he pissed!

    2. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

      Of course he's pissed. Someone tried to raise the top marginal tax rate by 1%!

    3. Rotundo_

      If he was real, and saw the shit done in his name and the nonsense spouted by assholes like Fischer under cover of "christianity" he would surely rain lightning bolts, plagues, locusts, meteors, volcanic erruptions, tidal waves, earthquakes, heart attacks, and any number of rabid animals down upon assholes like Fischer. This has not happened, and likely will not. Therefore I count myself as somewhat skeptical about the existence of god in the sense these idiots trumpet. But if I saw Bryan split neatly in two by a lightning bolt, or a few of those pedophile priests go up in flame as they were swallowed by the earth, or even have a convenient tree limb fall on Newt Gingrich as he went on about morality, I might be inclined to change my take on things.

      1. emmelemm

        Can I get an A-men?!!

        Seriously, if I saw just one of these fuckers get struck down in the middle of spewing their bullshit, I would *seriously* entertain the existence of a higher power.

      2. Doktor Zoom

        " If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing up!"–Hannah and Her Sisters

        (Strange, I seem to post that every time there's a Bryan Fissure thread)

  2. Lucidamente1

    "They see themselves as the smartest people in the room, the elite, people so smart that they believe they should make lifestyle choices for other people, for the benighted masses who are too stupid to make intelligent decisions for themselves. This, Jesus says, is how the 'Gentiles' do it, but it is 'not so with you.'"

    I'll have you know, sir, that is how we "Jews" do it.

    1. CalamityJames

      "…people so smart that they believe they should make lifestyle choices for other people".

      Sounds familiar. Is it anything like those asshats telling people they can't get married, or choose whether or not to have a child, or is it more like those cockstains who try to prevent freedom of religion and for some reason believe that the separation of church and state just meant darkie's religions?

    2. unclejeems

      I guess it depends on which elites are doing the choosing. Our elites are better than yours!

    3. Beowoof

      Yeah here take this health care and put down the damn bacon wrapped doughnuts. I know trying to help the poors and the sicks and stuff is just elitist bullshit.

      1. FNMA

        Walker was paraphrasing when he said, "Blessed are the lobbyists for the Wisconsin Dairy Producers Association and their drunk-ass kids."

  3. mavenmaven

    Remember, he's talking about White-Person-Jesus, different than that kike-y liberal one from the Gospels.

    1. MinAgain

      Reminds me of "Waiting for the Galactic Bus", by Parke Godwin, in which Jesus spends his time in heaven hiding from the faithful, who are always so disappointed to discover that he's a nice Jewish boy.

  4. EdFlintstone

    Has Jeebus incorporated yet? Because the republicans would then really, really love him.

    1. poncho_pilot

      i thought he wasn't corporeal these days? that's whycome the chips with no dip at mass.

  5. Gratuitous World

    and then Jesus fed the multitudes a meal of 3-eyed tilapia and bread from Monsanto's genetically modified wheat. he then gave thanks to his father.

    Jesus Christ. Brought to you by Monsanto.

    1. FNMA

      And then Jesus turned the water into Brawndo, the Thirst Mutilator, and told the multitudes that it has electrolytes, which is what plants crave.

      1. KenLayIsAlive

        And Jesus decided against multiplying the loaves and fishes, because he didn't want to have to pay a huge licensing fee to the genetic patent holders.

  6. ManchuCandidate

    Yes Bryan. Because GOPer Xtians are the best people in the world. Like corrupt hypocrite David Vitter. He wanted to make people free to poop in their own diapers shame and judgment free like the hookers he paid to wipe his poop.

  7. slithytoves

    We really do need more people who think like Jesus in public office. This gasbag must be talking about some Haysoos who runs a cartel.

    1. Ducksworthy

      There are different varieties of xtians. You got your Practicing Christians (very rare, selling everything you have and giving the money to the poor was never popular), you got your Professing Christians, this sect usually believes that God hates the same people they do and that magical incantations, not following anything in the gospels, is the way to wealth and heaven. Then you got your Professional Professing Christian, this is the lowest of the low and this is what Mr. Fisher is.

      1. SorosBot

        I believe Jesus referred to his time's equivalents of Fisher as "Pharisees" and didn't really like them very much.

  8. iburl

    "…I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." – Karl Marx

    1. CalamityJames

      That brings to mind the argument that "you can't really know if he meant a normal-sized needle." See, little did the entire world know, but giant camel-sized needles were quite the popular import in those days.

      1. Boojum_Reborn

        He actually said "rope," not camel. The written Aramaic word for rope (גמלא) is the same as the word meaning camel (גמלא).

        Of course, the meaning is still communist, so there's that.

  9. GuanoFaucet

    So, according to Mr. Fischer, if Jesus and his disciples were alive today, they'd be Kochsuckers?

  10. gef05

    One man gives freely, yet gains even more; another withholds unduly, but comes to poverty. A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.

    Proverbs 11:24-25

    That's for you, Fischer, you withered cunt.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Yeah, but that's charity, which is good and godly. If Big Gummint forces you to turn your hard-earned-tax-dollars© over to the poors, then it is tainted and ungodly, and harms them. It's especially harmful if it provides more than table scraps, which is all God wants the poors to have.

  11. rambone

    So, should the government kill women aborting incest rape ("surprise-sex") babies or not?

    Who would Jesus murder?

  12. widestanceroman

    Eh, something about rich men and heaven vs. camels and needle eyes. . .how's that go again?

    1. anniegetyerfun

      It would be easier for a rich man to have sex with a camel than with a needle, but it's likely that he will try both, because rich men are sick, sick fucks.

    2. HogeyeGrex

      I think it had something to do with me jabbing needles into my fucking eyes so that I never read another one of Bryan Fischer's bouts of explosive logorrhea.

      No, that's not it.

    3. Negropolis

      I don't know, but I think it had something to do with Hosni Mubarak and "pro-government protestors."

  13. nounverb911

    If Fischer wants to be more like Jeebus, then I want to Fischer's Bris Certificate.

  14. Rosie_Scenario

    The the New Testament as I was taught it:

    "My kingdom is not of this world."

    "Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar's and render to God the things that are Gods."

    Jesus tempted by Satan with worldly power, among other things, and resisting.

    But, of course, even the devil can quote Scripture. Just like Bryan Fischer does. No wonder Jesus looks pissed. The Xtian wingtards have him all wrong.

    1. BklynIlluminati

      Preach on my sister. None of these tea baggers have a clue about God or Christ and never read the bible just skip around to the "good parts"

      And He said to them, "Strive to enter through the narrow gate, for many, I say to you, will seek to enter and will not be able. When once the Master of the house has risen up and shut the door, and you begin to stand outside and knock at the door, saying, "Lord, Lord, open for us,' and He will answer and say to you, "I do not know you, where you are from,' then you will begin to say, "We ate and drank in Your presence, and You taught in our streets.' But He will say, "I tell you I do not know you, where you are from. Depart from Me, all you workers of iniquity.'

  15. PeaceWithHonor

    "They want people free to make choices that affect their own lives without the interference of the overreaching hand of government."

    Bryan Fischer eats dead fetuses!

  16. Crank_Tango

    I hope Jesus really exists so he can kick these fuckers in the balls and send them straight to hell when they die. That's how it works, right? I didn't make it to sunday school all that often..

    1. gef05

      Yeah, he's surprisingly buff. It's from carrying all those buckets of gold ingots and uncut diamonds.

      Edit. Ha ha. Downfister. Every time you DOWNFIST Jesus says "ARSE BISCUITS"

      1. poncho_pilot

        i love the part where Jesus gets pissed off in the temple and rips that guy's throat out!

  17. mrpuma2u

    This kinda shite makes me teeter further from agnosticism toward full blown atheism. I mean if jeebus was really up there, this fascist tool would wake up tomorrow with stage 4 testicular cancer, right?

    I am sure jeebus would approve of all the corporate welfare and cronyism rampant in GOP public service.

    This asshole is a racist too: More from his "article"

    We have spent over $16 trillion fighting the war on poverty, and it’s time to run up the white flag of surrender. Poverty has won. We now have more people on food stamps – think children here – than at any time in our history. The war on poverty has been a total, dismal failure and it’s time to recognize that. You get more of whatever you subsidize. You subsidize poverty, which we have done since 1965, and you just get more of it.

    Welfare has destroyed the African-American family by telling young black women that husbands and fathers are unnecessary and obsolete. Welfare has subsidized illegitimacy by offering financial rewards to women who have more children out of wedlock. We have incentivized fornication rather than marriage, and it’s no wonder we are now awash in the disastrous social consequences of people who rut like rabbits.

    1. GeneralLerong

      Connecting the dots:

      "white flag of surrender"…"young black women"…"people who rut like rabbits"

      I've always thought eugenics was a hideous thing; but, on second thought, the target audience for this shit should be euthanized. With bloodshed. To hell with violence not solving anything.

      1. anniegetyerfun

        Holy fucking fuck. I'm just glad he was able to find a way to blame black women and welfare at the same time. If you can't compare a minority to animals in your conservative column, you are doing it wrong.

      2. anniegetyerfun

        Wait a minute… I thought that abortion was killing all the black babies, and that's why we need to stop it? Is this rutting resulting in abortion, or kids out of wedlock?

      3. SonofSpermcube

        The only problem is that you aren't going to personally do any solving, nor will 99 out of a hundred people you agree with. If anything, right wing crazies in the US have proven both more willing to commit violence and crazier…the only thing that will get "solved" is the left.

        Humanists vs. Soldiers for Christ.

    2. LiveToServeYa

      Christian theology says that God will get him for that after he's messed up everything he possibly can and died.

    3. V572..whatever

      In fairness you'd have to say Republicans, and maybe even the whole gummint, have been conscientious objectors in the war on poverty. They agree with the desired outcome, but aren't willing to give anything to make it real.

      No, wait, COs are part of an honorable tradition of pacifism and resisting evil. Republicans are more like NFL players who got notes from their doctors to get out of the draft. Draft-dodging cowardly bed-wetters, that's who they are.

    4. BlueStateLibel

      Our wars on browns have also been an utter failure, we ought to pull the plug on that too.

    5. DustBowlBlues

      The shit he's talking about got mostly wiped out in welfare "reform." So why haven't all the black people turned into the Huxtables?

    6. lowaltflier

      "This kinda shite makes me teeter further from agnosticism toward full blown atheism. "
      Time to take a Leap of Faith and let go of the Last Fairy Tale.
      It's the 21 century and I can't understand how any one can really believe they will live for ever up in heaven with what ever god they worship.

    7. indysocco

      We now have more people on food stamps – think children here – than at any time in our history.

      Yeah, screw the children. They should be working for their food like the rest of us!

    8. PsycWench

      I mean if jeebus was really up there, this fascist tool would wake up tomorrow with stage 4 testicular cancer, right?
      At the very least, plus if jeebus was really up there, this lovely wonderful 22-year-old student would not have died of Hodgkin's lymphoma weeks after finishing her degree and my bitch ex sister-in-law would be dead instead.

        1. PsycWench

          Thanks. It was one of the saddest things I've ever seen. She was in the hospital, doing better, posting on Facebook about how various measures were improving, then someone else posted that she was in a medically induced coma and that was that. She was given her degree posthumously at graduation. There was a long pause after her name was announced while everyone tried desperately not to break down sobbing.
          Fuck you, God. Fuck you.

    9. Failure_Artist

      So the women aren't marrying because they get a check for $600 if they don't? No other reason to marry other than money. What a sad view of marriage.

  18. jus_wonderin

    I recently decided to lower the setting on my Jesus Toaster. Why might you ask? Simple. So when Jesus Toast pops into my morning, I can gently push him back into the toaster, while carefully setting my digital timer so as to accurately predict his second coming.

    The "clunk" hearlds his return; Jesus Toast arrives warm and golden brown. As the bible suggests all our men (and women) should be.

    1. mrpuma2u

      Our lady of warm and tasty toaster pastries fortified with 8 essential vitamins and minerals, we pray you intercede for us. Amen

    2. Dudleydidwrong

      No snark: that is one of the funniest things I've read in a long while. I'll never drop another slice of bread into my toaster without thinking of Jesus Toast and the Second Coming.

  19. Crank_Tango

    "because welfare has done more damage to children than any thing government has done."

    Except for killing them with high explosives, napalm, land mines, bullets, subsidized corn syrup, and kindness.
    J/K, I know there's no kindness.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      "because welfare has done more damage to children than any thing government has done."

      I love how they come up with these absurd claims and repeat them until the teabagging population starts saying them as truth and then so does the Republitard party. I heard some idiot this morning claim on MSNBC that nothing kills jobs like the govt. Huh? Of course, the host didn't ask how, precisely, the government would do that.

      On their island of stupidity, I assume this makes sense.

  20. SayItWithWookies

    And children are the ones who get chewed up. Welfare, as Walter Williams has pointed out, has done what slavery, racism and Jim Crow laws could not do: destroy the black family.

    Just like Jesus would, Bryan Fischer manages to feign caring about the black family (which was never broken up by slavery or Jim Crow, I have newly learned) solely in order to abolish help for the poor.

    I never cared much for the agglomeration of folk tales and riddles that is commonly taken to be the person of Jesus, but man — Bryan Fischer's Jesus is a fucking prick.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Slavery is STILL awesome for families! When I get married in a couple of weeks, we're actually going to have someone wrench my husband away from me and sell him to a farm where he will work until he dies. I, meanwhile, will be raped repeatedly by this guy who lives near me, and bear his children unwillingly. The children will be sold to other people, where they will work for nothing and also probably be raped.

      Family values. We haz dem.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        But you have the consolation of knowing that your tremendous faith, assisted by your lack of economic or social power, kept you from aborting the little rape-babies. Which Sarah Palin tells us is the very pinnacle of women's rights.

      2. Negropolis

        Haven't ever asked too deeply into this, but my grandma tells me a story of a distant relative who was promised freedom if she bore her master so many children. I can't remember if it was a set number, or if it's something he held over her to keep control over her (well, besides being a slave). Anyway, long story short, I think she was eventually freed…after baring 15 children.

  21. chicken_thief

    Did it ever occur to those fucking idiots that if God wanted the US government modelled after His only Son, Jesus, He would have sent the little shit TO THE USA instead the wasteland we now call Israel?

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Others have had that same thought:

      (The voice of Judas:)

      Every time I look at you
      I don't understand
      Why you let the things you did
      Get so out of hand
      You'd have managed better
      If you'd had it planned
      Now why'd you choose such a backward time
      And such a strange land?

      If you'd come today
      You could have reached the whole nation
      Israel in 4 BC had no mass communication
      Don't you get me wrong…
      Only want to know

      (Jesus Christ, Superstar; Tim Rice/Andrew Lloyd Webber

  22. WhatTheHeck

    Everything Jesus said and did would have been different had he lived under a black Caesar.

  23. OkieDokieDog

    Keep humpin' that bible, Bryan, you disgusting excuse for a Man of God. Or man period.

    Btw, get off your holy rag and go do something useful for humanity for a change. Dickwad.

  24. OC_Cesium-137 _Serf

    "11 if you subtract Judas from the mix"…still pissed off at that, eh?

    And you bitch that the Muslins hold grudges

  25. GuanoFaucet

    Fischer gleaned these insights from the little known Objectivist Gospels in which Jesus proclaimed collective bargaining an abomination.

  26. metamarcisf

    I went over there and wrote that I think Judas would be perfect for the office of Governor of Wisconsin. And they printed it. As Neil Armstrong once said, "that's one step for man, two steps for mankind."

    1. mrpuma2u

      They did not print my comment yet. :( I think i wrote something to the effect of "Who would Jesus starve?" so my expectations were low.

    2. Jukesgrrl

      I knew you must have been working hard for that blood-red p score. I'll be watching to see if it goes even lower.

  27. SorosBot

    It's kind of odd to see a man who wants to go back to making gay sex illegal, wants to outlaw abortion and contraception, and wants the government to encourage married couples to have at least three children claim that he's against the government making lifestyle choices for other people; it's almost as if he doesn't know the meaning of the "freedom".

    1. KnaveOfDiamond

      As bizarre a worldview as it is, I think I understand it. Everything you describe they see as prescribed by their god's laws rather than society's. So, enforcing these laws is not seen as control, because maintaining a divine social order.

      On the other hand, the Bible says nothing directly about public welfare, the environment, corporate power, and so on. Therefore, they perceive any laws related to these fields as restricting freedom — freedom which only exists in the context of a godly social order.

      To accept this world view, one pretty much has to abandon any attempt at critical reasoning, but that's really not too hard.

  28. jus_wonderin

    I don't know whether to think I'd be happy or my head would explode if ALL of the books of the bible had been included.

  29. Crank_Tango

    Well, when all the medicare/aid teabaggers figure out what they have done…I dunno, something? nothing?

  30. Mumbletypeg

    If this frumpelstiltskin can assert without blushing that the commie-stylin', grassroots, anything-but-hierarchical followers of da Christ described in the Book of Acts were designated as political material projected for this age, he's not only converted fool's gold back into straw, he's bred denial into a parachurch-worthy idol of worship all its own.

  31. fuflans

    this is off topic but the first story on NPR in the prime 'ATC' slot is a tea party caucus member discussing the budget.

    who wants them defunded again?

  32. Gopherit

    You really think those loaves and fishes were free? No way. That would be commie. Same thing with healing the sick. That shit has to cost you to make you value it. And kicking over moneylenders tables? AS IF!

    Render unto Caesar, you fucktard, and stop talking.

  33. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Blessed are the tax cutters of the Rich, for the Rich will buy their books in bulk in gratitude.

    Blessed are those who destroy unions, for their sons will be given jobs with big payouts and no work.

    Blessed are the ones that cut programs for the poor, for theirs is truly the kingdom of Koch.

    Blessed are those who hate those who are different and persecuted, because Christianity has nothing good to say about the different and persecuted.

    Here endth the lesson.

  34. SorosBot

    To cheer up, try refreshing the page; I've been seeing the Snorg girl back a few times; well a different one, but still, breasts.

  35. Weenus299

    This is old business. Jesus Christ, business man was contemplated in the 1920s with the book The Man Nobody Knows (1925) by Bruce Barton.

    And also,
    "pursue public office because they want to liberate people rather than control them. "

    Wouldn't that make them liberals?

  36. mumbly_ジョジョ

    They want people free to make choices that affect their own lives without the interference of the overreaching hand of government.

    Unless, of course, those people are gay, or women, or believe in a slightly different version of God, or…

    1. JustPixelz

      And — I might add — the Bible supports polygamy. Also it does not prohibit sex with children, except your own. Also does not prohibit lesbianism, unless the woman dresses like a man (watch out Maddow!).

      Anyway bureaucratic rules versus religious rules. We report, you decide.

    2. HistoriCat

      "gay, or women, or believe in a slightly different version of God" – therefore not people. What's so hard to understand there?

  37. MinAgain

    The only thing Jesus Christ condemned more harshly than the love of money was the sanctimony of the faithful.

    Well done, Mr. Fischer. You managed a twofer on Christ's hit list.

  38. harry_palmer

    "Some – perhaps most – pursue public office because they want to control other people. They see themselves as the smartest people in the room, the elite, people so smart that they believe they should make lifestyle choices for other people, for the benighted masses who are too stupid to make intelligent decisions for themselves. "

    So he has come to the light, how beautiful! Isn't he saying women should be able to choose whether to carry a baby to term without the coercion of the government, gays should receive equal protections and benefits as straights, Muslins should be free to build a community center a few blocks from the WTC without the gov't interfering, etc etc?

  39. OneYieldRegular

    On the up side, it's refreshingly surprising to see Bryan Fisher endorsing gay marriage and abortion rights.

  40. crybabyboehner

    JC looks really mad in that picture:

    "Who the fuck put ketchup on my Anusburger ®?"

    1. JustPixelz

      The real Jesus would change the ketchup into dijon mustard, also the anusburger into Chik-Fil-A. And put the "i" back in Bryan's name, mumbling "learn to spell, goddamnit".

  41. poncho_pilot

    eh. some people think just because their last name is Fischer they know something about Jesus.

  42. a_pink_poodle

    Apparently he hasn't read the parts of the Bible where the rich will have a more difficult time getting into heaven than a camel goes through the eye of a needle or the one where Lazarus the beggar goes to heaven while the rich guy with purple robes begs for just a drop of water to ease his suffering in hell.

  43. GregComlish

    Ok, but what if a dude just wants to suck Jesus's cock? Is that still a sin? I'm confused.

  44. mumbly_ジョジョ

    Oh yeah, and also:

    Bottom line: we need more people in public office who think like Christ and fewer people who think like Karl Marx.

    "From each according to their ability [...] to each according to their need"

    -Karl Marx? Or the Acts of the Apostles?

    1. ChessieNefercat

      (Acts 4:32-35):

      "Now the whole group of those who believed were of one heart and soul, and no one claimed private ownership of any possessions, but everything they owned was held in common. / With great power the apostles gave their testimony to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and great grace was upon them all. / There was not a needy person among them, for as many as owned lands or houses sold them and brought the proceeds of what was sold. / They laid it at the apostles' feet, and it was distributed to each as any had need."

  45. KeepFnThatChicken

    From the blog: "Welfare has destroyed the African-American family by telling young black women that husbands and fathers are unnecessary and obsolete."

    1. Welfare is now a transient program, (thanks, Bill!)
    2. While this sentence starts the paragraph, it ends with the phrase "ruts like rabbits"
    3. Here's your non sequitur of the morning: Blacks are Christians too.

    (too bad they're ruttin' like rabbits and collectin' all that welfare… amirite, Bryan?)

  46. bumfug

    Why let the smartest people make choices for the masses when it's so much easier to find dumb fucks willing to do it?

  47. Beowoof

    Does this mean Mary Magdalene was just lobbyist slut. Now I know where that prostitute thing comes from. Or it could be that the Catholic Church made all that shit up about her, to discredit the role of women in Christ's life.

  48. ttommyunger

    Bryan Fischer and Walter Williams. The salt and pepper team for the ages. Now Bryan has covered himself with this: "Look, I agree with a black guy about something!" move, so I'm not a racist after all. Walter Williams, what a bad joke. The most forgettable Rightard in the Black Constellation of Rightards. Admittedly a very small Constellation. Bryan can safely quote the Scriptures any way he chooses, since he's obviously never bothered to read the first fucking verse; plus he knows full well none of his followers ever will either…It's just sooooo many pages!

  49. Billmatic

    I kind of skimmed it but I saw that "welfare" is why black families don't stay together. How does welfare ruin families?

    1. Boojum_Reborn

      There was actually a Republican amendment to the initial Great Society bills that would end public assistance for an unmarried woman who let a man spend the night. Instead of encouraging marriage, it discouraged relationships and, therefore, two parent households.

      Blessed are the unintended consequences of our moralizing, for they shall be pseudo-celibate pedophiles.

  50. DustBowlBlues

    I guess that all the times I've told my union organizer daughter (when she gets a little down–it is a hard, hard job) that she is doing God's work as surely as if she were a missionary, I've been lying?

    1. ChessieNefercat

      No, no, no, a thousand times no. You have not told your daughter even a tiny, tiny lie.

    2. Dudleydidwrong

      Hurrah for your daughter and those like her. I'm not one to comment on what God's work is (I leave that for the believers) but she is doing work on behalf of those people who are like the ones that Jesus had as friends and disciples, who are poor, needy, and despised by this world's One Percenters. You go, girl, and keep doing good work.

  51. pinkocommi

    Ahhh, the good ol' GOP, ensuring that "the meek shall inherit nothing and the rich shall inherit millions, without having to pay any estate taxes," just like Jesus said.

  52. unclejeems

    The new beatitudes:

    Blessed are the rich, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
    Blessed are the CEOs, for they shall be comforted.
    Blessed are the corporate oligarchs, for they shall inherit the earth.
    Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after viciousness, for they shall be filled.
    Blessed are the vengeful, for they shall obtain mercy.
    Blessed are those that hate, for they shall see God.
    Blessed are the war-makers, for they shall be called the children of God.
    Blessed are they which are given billions in tax breaks, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
    Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you truly, because, shoot, they ain’t nothing but a bunch of union thugs, anyway.

    1. pinkocommi

      If I could, I would give the thumbs up to this comment at least twice. Good work. And amen, also.

  53. DashboardBuddha

    "They want people free to make choices that affect their own lives without the interference of the overreaching hand of government."

    Like birth control? Right…I didn't think so.

  54. mumbly_ジョジョ

    "And truly, I say to you, it's actually pretty easy for a rich man to get into heaven. In fact, inheriting a multimillion dollar fortune without working a day in your life is just My way of saying, 'we're cool'."

  55. Clancy_Pants

    Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions. [Luke 12.15.]
    Truly, I say unto you, it will be hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. [Matthew 19:23]
    You cannot serve both God and Money. [Matthew 6:24.]
    etc. etc. etc.

    1. SorosBot

      She made over a quarter of a million in 2009 alone, so probably doesn't need much help; the grifter doesn't fall far from the tree.

  56. Redhead

    "Some – perhaps most – pursue public office because they want to control other people. They see themselves as the smartest people in the room, the elite, people so smart that they believe they should make lifestyle choices for other people, for the benighted masses who are too stupid to make intelligent decisions for themselves. "

    So… gay marriage, abortion, freedom of religion, what's taught (or not taught) about creation/evolution and sex ed in schools… Err, Mr. Fischer, methinks you need a tad bit more self-awareness about who exactly is on the high-and-mighty horse pushing their views and lifestyle down everyone else's throats.

    Oh, and Mr. Fischer, by "the pursuit of happiness," are you referring to knob-polishing with your 15-year-old rentboy? Cause if you want to start a dialogue about what, exactly, harms children the most, that'd be a great place to start…

  57. Beowoof

    I recently discovered my Jewish heritage and a critical part of my being a Jew was that it came from my mother. Without that I would not be considered a real Jew just a goyim with a dream.

    1. ttommyunger

      Blood rules. Manasseh and Ephraim were half Egyptian on their mother's side, Joseph (their father) being one of the twelve Patriarchs but the mother being one of Pharoh's daughters. They were Patriarchs of what was sometimes called half tribes, sometimes (particularly in Ephraim's case) called full tribes of Israel. How'm I doin?

      1. Beowoof

        Sounds reasonable to me I don't know when they moved to heiridty from the mother but I am Jew because of it. Otherwise I have to go back to just being Shanty Irish.

  58. Buckminster

    That expression on Jebus would be perfect for the "Jesus playing football" statue.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      About the time the dumb twat from Alaska started flapping her ill-educated gums.

    2. magnetite

      It's not. It took me years to get to that rank in the game. I'd earned it by then.

      RIP (many times over), Commander Testa

  59. ChessieNefercat

    Did they purposely make Jesus look like a mean old Republican bastard who would hurt babies, poor people, and other vulnerable (i.e., un-American) sorts?

    Because I don't like Mean Republican Jesus.

    I like my Jesus, the one in the Bible, the socialist, pacifist, liberal, hippie, one. So there, Bryan Fischer, you un-Christian rat bastard.

  60. neiltheblaze

    That was the look on Jesus' face right before he threw the money changers out of the Temple.

  61. Gold_ManSacks

    Others – sadly, the great minority – pursue public office because they want to liberate people [from their homes/lives] rather than control them. They want people free to make choices that affect their own lives without the interference of the overreaching hand of government [so long as they don't "choose" to be gay or decide what parasites live in their bodies]. They want to free their constituents to engage in the [Christian] God-given right to the “pursuit of happiness” without bureaucrats defining happiness for them [because the Christian right has defined it already]. This is public service in the spirit of Christ.

  62. BarackMyWorld

    There is literally NOTHING right-wingers can't twist into an anti-big government argument.

  63. Dudleydidwrong

    Bryan Fischer's writing parodies itself. It is a joke, a sham, a twisting of Christian doctrine into words that support uncaring greed. Unbelievably crass, cruel, heartless crap!

  64. Hatrabbit

    "They want people free to make choices that affect their own lives without the interference of the overreaching hand of government. (Full Access for Abortions! Collective Bargaining!)

    They want to free their constituents to engage in the God-given right to the “pursuit of happiness” without bureaucrats defining happiness for them. (Gay Marriage! Humane Immigration Policies!)

    This is public service in the spirit of Christ" (Universal Health Care!)

    Yay! The Republicans love us, they really love us!

  65. DustBowlBlues

    I was at a not-victory tonight where a black felon who is ineligible to serve was elected mayor because he found Jeebus at the Baptist church and their preacher told them all to vote for him. The current mayor had the misfortune to be in office when the DEQ told the city that they couldn't be letting solid waste leak into the water anymore. Everyone's blamingt the mayor.

    And how did his moronic friends describe this phenomenon? "It wasn't his fault. The Government made him do it" He's the mayor, idiots. People as stupid as you voted against him because he's the "government."

    Fuck the stoopids and fuck the Baptists. (Redundant.)

    And the other explanation? This one is really rich: it's just like Obama. He's new to town and black and the "kids" voted for him. Mind you, in small town America there are almost no kids.

    Just fucking save me from idiots. This is the reason I go to town as seldom as possible. It's all I can do not to tell them that, yes, I do think I'm smarter than they are (which is what they think) because I am FUCKING SMARTER THAN THEY ARE.

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      A small request for clarification: Does "Everyone's blaming the mayor" mean "everyone's blaming him/her for losing the election"? I assume that's the case.

      BTW, continue to resist telling them. They already know you think that, and most of them already know you're right.

  66. Negropolis

    Christianity is really nothing more than one bearded guy’s boutique political consulting/candidate training shop.

    Aye, but was it a union shop?

  67. WilliamHTaft

    Man I wish Jesus were here right now. He would totally love tax cuts and telling Muslims and poor people to go fuck themselves. Jesus is the best!

  68. Negropolis

    Whit Anglo Jesus is the best Jesus. He shoots first and then asks questions, as it should be. Anglo Jesus ain't got no time for bums and general dregs. That's why he told the blinded, the leppered and the sick to fuck off.

    Whit Anglo Jesus loves me this I know,
    For the crazies told me so…

  69. Lost_Teabaggers

    You know, it sounds so like the Gospels to advocate for tax cuts for the rich, deregulation of industry and their right to essentially own labor. It's funny, before the Democrats became the party of Civil Rights Southern whites were a significant part of the New Deal coaltion. Back then preachers argued that welfare was a right and capitalism was essentially evil materialism. Funny how a little racial tolerance drives these people so batshit…

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