'i'm not a witch'

Christine O’Donnell’s Hawt Witch Porno, ‘Trouble Maker,’ Drops August 16

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She is just gonna cold have three margaritas, put on The Cure and masturbate with a rubber crucifix, while crying..Unemployed nobody Christine O’Donnell used to masturbate in a “witch costume” just like any uptight gal in the 1980s, but her dumb new ghost-written book — witch-written book? — won’t be about anything good like that. Instead, this nincompoop lady will have her picture on a book about “what it takes to make America great again.”

Hmm, let’s see, what does it take to make America great again? Maybe a whole bunch of campaign donations pouring in so you can pay rent and go nuts at Applebee’s a couple nights a week, without having to work for a living? Yes, that sounds about right. Anyway, Christine O’Donnell’s book! Coming soon, etc.! [Website about books we guess]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Barbara_i

    She hates masturbation, which is ironic, because she owes her nomination to a bunch of jackoffs.

    • V572..whatever

      If you had more modesty, you wouldn't continually shame us with first comments that are better than all those following.

  • OC_Cesium-137 _Serf

    I thought witches 'rode' a broomstick for genital pleasure…or did my grampa read me German porn instead of fairy tales?

    • magnetite

      Goose The Girl? Someone in that is hung like a horse.

      (I had to Google to check that wasn't a real grumble flick. The poor Grimms haven't been lucky in avoiding bold interpretations of their works)

  • nounverb911

    "Anyway, Christine O’Donnell’s book! Coming soon, etc.!"
    Crayons extra!

  • SorosBot

    Will she explain what makes her us?

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    "Anyway, Christine O’Donnell’s book! Coming soon, etc.!"

    So they've packaged it with a vibrator?

    • magnetite

      For an extra $29.95 your copy will include a <s>personal message</s> personal massager from Christine O'Donnell.

      (please to imagine strikethrough, as I can't get the damn thing to work)

      • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

        You have to spell out strike between your like that.

        • magnetite

          Smartypants Thank you!

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    is there a a chapter on her bush doctrine?

    hey-o!

  • fuflans

    not really 'trouble-maker' christine. more like 'laughing-stock'.

    • GOPCrusher

      Don't you have to be at least "relevant" to be considered a trouble-maker?

      • magnetite

        It's you people, with your pesky "facts" about "reality", who are going to spoil Christine's chances.

  • fuflans

    you know i envy the romans and the british. in the waning days of their empires, they didn't have to deal with wingtards on the internet.

    • mereoblivion

      True, though the Romans did have to put up with that whole getting-slaughtered-by-bloodthirsty-and-BO-ridden-Visigoths thing every few decades. And the Brits, well, they had to be British for the entire 1950's, which according to Tony Jutt really, really sucked (except for the trains).

  • nounverb911

    "Anyway, Christine O'Donnell's book! Coming soon, etc.!"
    That's more than I can say for her.

  • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

    Aww, poor Greer.

    As for me, I'll wait for the t-shirt version.

  • pinkocommi

    Christine O'Donnell has reminded us that, if all the crazy, Bible-thumping Jesus freaks became Wiccans, it would go a long way to improving America.

  • mereoblivion

    August 16? Is she still in the outline stage? Being from Delaware she's gotta know the Rehoboth Beach Summer Book-Reading, Gull-Feeding, And Jellyfish-Stepping-On Society will be ready to fold its tent by August 16.

  • http://www.fifthinternational.org/content/education-programme 4TheTurnstiles

    What would make America great again: WikiLeaks stops waiting around and drops everything it has on the big banks, if only to get illiterate asshats like Christine O'Donnell and her Hitachi Magic Wand out of the news

  • http://www.TiltedHorizons.com TiltedHorizons

    Dear Sexy-Witch:

    You've caught the "eye of newt". How'd you like to be VP? C'mon ride my broomstick and lemme motorboat those big beautiful bedknobs of yours, and we'll talk about it.

    Yours in fappishness,
    NG

  • ttommyunger

    Will her bush be one of the pop-up pages? Inquiring fappers want to know…

  • Gopherit

    WIth any luck, she'll make enough from this book to pay her back taxes and fines to the IRS. Now, how to pay for the lawyers?

    • GOPCrusher

      Is Newsmax planning another subscription drive?

  • SudsMcKenzie

    That reminds me, I should really do some spring trimming on that bush next to my mailbox.

  • Not_So_Much

    Can't wait to make all the pages stick together on that classic!

  • hagajim

    Should have titled it "Losing Loser Rubs One Out" – at least it's honest.

  • MittsHairHelmet

    I admire a woman who can squeeze as much as possible out of whatever assets she possesses. Even in 2011, it's hard for a single woman to get a fair shake. She sees the horny old wingnuts and knows that they're her ticket to a decent 1-bedroom apartment and a glass of wine that didn't come from a box.

    It's a dark, lonely world out there and Christine O'Donnell continues to do whatever it takes to survive. I applaud her efforts.

    • emmelemm

      Box wine libel!!

    • __kth__

      just now wondering why O'Donnell gets a publisher and Sharron Angle doesn't, but it's all clear to me now

  • Jerri

    Surely this will rescue The State of Publishing Today.

    • magnetite

      She's more the immovable type.

  • smokefilledroommate

    "Trouble Maker"? Really?

  • http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com Pop_Socket

    She uses the same fonts and color scheme on the cover as Sarah Palin's coloring book. I'm getting a creepy Single White Female vibe, in more ways than one.

  • Mumbletypeg

    "Make America Great Again." No, I've never, not ever, heard that used in a slogan, subtitle or screed before.
    Winsome, losesome.

  • Callyson

    So the title of this wingnut's book is "Trouble Maker"? Well, for once she is right about something…except in her case, the trouble she made was for the Reeps' hopes of getting the Senate last year. So she is doing her part to make America great again after all. USA! USA!

  • Troubledog

    How are we supposed to be Great again while all the other countries think we are a pussy, and there are so many people getting away with things?

  • [redacted]hse

    Great AGAIN? Why does she hate America?

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    The pages will be deckle-edged.

    • Rosie_Scenario

      For her pleasure . . .

  • Ducksworthy

    Embarrass your self and your family by your stupidity
    Run for an office you are totally unqualified for
    …..
    Profit!

    Hey. It works.

  • MadBrahms

    Why can't we just be really great at masturbating? Some of us seem to have a head start.

  • MinAgain

    Headed for the remainder bin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…

  • MiniMencken

    How to make America great again? It's still a great country. It's the people that got small.

    • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

      I've heard Americans called a lot of things, small is not one of them.

    • vulpes82

      Quick, more corn syrup! We're too small!

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    The original title was Bell, Book and Candle: Three things I've masturbated with.

    • magnetite

      Upfists for coffee-sputteringness and bonus YUM! KIM NOVAK moment. Thank you.

  • DonnyKerabotsos

    uh, is this it?
    http://www.amazon.com/Trouble-Maker-ebook/dp/B004

    Nah…that would be just too awesome.

    • MissTaken

      "Product Description
      Some girls are just looking for trouble, and the more trouble they get into, the better they like it. Trouble Maker is a collection of stories about good girls looking for some bad trouble, and they find it in some well-endowed men."

      Oh god I hope there are several wingnuts ordering this and wondering when the witchy ladybug shows up at the Halloween party.

    • Jaded[redacted]

      Great. you have permanently fucked up my Amazon Preferences page!

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    What's the deal with that lady?

  • http://strangestoriesaboutsadpeople.blogspot.com/ Thedongsofwar

    "Trouble Maker" sounds a whole lot cooler than "4 time political loser who has never had a real job"

  • mrpuma2u

    I am glad I had no liquid in my mouth, as it would have been shooting out my nose. Well played.

  • mrpuma2u

    Trouble maker for who? I would say she made some lasting trouble for any future candidate of the GOP in Delaware.

  • ttommyunger

    Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch! Ohhhhh baby! Ouch……..

  • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

    mmm. Sexy. I mean rusty.

  • Beetagger

    Too much negative space on the front cover. (The fleshy, moist, glistening part in between the words.)

  • Gleem_McShineys

    Is there a chapter called "Pudding: Comes in Cups" ?

  • Jaded[redacted]

    With the wane of the Catholic Church and recently Scientology, mankind is once again putting its energies into an epic standoff with reality.

  • Jaded[redacted]

    Her glowing earring/CIA radio disturbs me.

  • http://wonkette.com/ FoundingFondler

    Porn makes this country great! 80 million dollar Haitian lesbo porn. Just let the free market work and STFU!

  • Tundra Grifter

    From the press release:

    "O’Donnell will do TV, radio, and print publicity, and will go on an author to New York, Washington, Delaware, and other a number of other cities."

    If St. Martins Press can't edit this, how can it handle an entire book? Among the astonishing number of errors packed into one sentence, when did Delaware become a city? Although, based on population, that's probably correct.

    Finally – if she will "go on an author" she should know I'm quite the writer…

    [Redacted] I was downfisted for this? WoW! I've never gonna make 100p.

    • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

      Grammar Nazis are only up fisted if they are beyond cruel.

  • Hatrabbit

    i love you Christine. i am you!

    (i typed that with one hand)

  • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

    DMT dildo for the win.

  • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

    We call them spacebags out here on the west coast. I keep them after drinking the wine to fill them later with ice cubes, tequila and margaritas mix for concerts in the park.