'I'M NOT A WITCH'  2:23 pm April 5, 2011

Christine O’Donnell’s Hawt Witch Porno, ‘Trouble Maker,’ Drops August 16

by Ken Layne

She is just gonna cold have three margaritas, put on The Cure and masturbate with a rubber crucifix, while crying..Unemployed nobody Christine O’Donnell used to masturbate in a “witch costume” just like any uptight gal in the 1980s, but her dumb new ghost-written book — witch-written book? — won’t be about anything good like that. Instead, this nincompoop lady will have her picture on a book about “what it takes to make America great again.”

Hmm, let’s see, what does it take to make America great again? Maybe a whole bunch of campaign donations pouring in so you can pay rent and go nuts at Applebee’s a couple nights a week, without having to work for a living? Yes, that sounds about right. Anyway, Christine O’Donnell’s book! Coming soon, etc.! [Website about books we guess]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 68 comments }

Barbara_i April 5, 2011 at 2:26 pm

She hates masturbation, which is ironic, because she owes her nomination to a bunch of jackoffs.

V572..whatever April 5, 2011 at 3:38 pm

If you had more modesty, you wouldn't continually shame us with first comments that are better than all those following.

OC_Cesium-137 _Serf April 5, 2011 at 2:28 pm

I thought witches 'rode' a broomstick for genital pleasure…or did my grampa read me German porn instead of fairy tales?

magnetite April 5, 2011 at 8:21 pm

Goose The Girl? Someone in that is hung like a horse.

(I had to Google to check that wasn't a real grumble flick. The poor Grimms haven't been lucky in avoiding bold interpretations of their works)

nounverb911 April 5, 2011 at 2:32 pm

"Anyway, Christine O’Donnell’s book! Coming soon, etc.!"
Crayons extra!

SorosBot April 5, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Will she explain what makes her us?

weejee April 5, 2011 at 2:37 pm

"Anyway, Christine O’Donnell’s book! Coming soon, etc.!"

So they've packaged it with a vibrator?

magnetite April 5, 2011 at 8:34 pm

For an extra $29.95 your copy will include a <s>personal message</s> personal massager from Christine O'Donnell.

(please to imagine strikethrough, as I can't get the damn thing to work)

trampndirtdown April 5, 2011 at 10:33 pm

You have to spell out strike between your like that.

magnetite April 5, 2011 at 11:30 pm

Smartypants Thank you!

Gratuitous World April 5, 2011 at 2:38 pm

is there a a chapter on her bush doctrine?

hey-o!

fuflans April 5, 2011 at 2:39 pm

not really 'trouble-maker' christine. more like 'laughing-stock'.

GOPCrusher April 5, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Don't you have to be at least "relevant" to be considered a trouble-maker?

magnetite April 5, 2011 at 8:48 pm

It's you people, with your pesky "facts" about "reality", who are going to spoil Christine's chances.

fuflans April 5, 2011 at 2:40 pm

you know i envy the romans and the british. in the waning days of their empires, they didn't have to deal with wingtards on the internet.

mereoblivion April 5, 2011 at 2:44 pm

True, though the Romans did have to put up with that whole getting-slaughtered-by-bloodthirsty-and-BO-ridden-Visigoths thing every few decades. And the Brits, well, they had to be British for the entire 1950's, which according to Tony Jutt really, really sucked (except for the trains).

nounverb911 April 5, 2011 at 2:41 pm

"Anyway, Christine O'Donnell's book! Coming soon, etc.!"
That's more than I can say for her.

GuyClinch April 5, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Aww, poor Greer.

As for me, I'll wait for the t-shirt version.

pinkocommi April 5, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Christine O'Donnell has reminded us that, if all the crazy, Bible-thumping Jesus freaks became Wiccans, it would go a long way to improving America.

mereoblivion April 5, 2011 at 2:49 pm

August 16? Is she still in the outline stage? Being from Delaware she's gotta know the Rehoboth Beach Summer Book-Reading, Gull-Feeding, And Jellyfish-Stepping-On Society will be ready to fold its tent by August 16.

4TheTurnstiles April 5, 2011 at 2:49 pm

What would make America great again: WikiLeaks stops waiting around and drops everything it has on the big banks, if only to get illiterate asshats like Christine O'Donnell and her Hitachi Magic Wand out of the news

TiltedHorizons April 5, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Dear Sexy-Witch:

You've caught the "eye of newt". How'd you like to be VP? C'mon ride my broomstick and lemme motorboat those big beautiful bedknobs of yours, and we'll talk about it.

Yours in fappishness,
NG

ttommyunger April 5, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Will her bush be one of the pop-up pages? Inquiring fappers want to know…

Gopherit April 5, 2011 at 2:54 pm

WIth any luck, she'll make enough from this book to pay her back taxes and fines to the IRS. Now, how to pay for the lawyers?

GOPCrusher April 5, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Is Newsmax planning another subscription drive?

SudsMcKenzie April 5, 2011 at 2:54 pm

That reminds me, I should really do some spring trimming on that bush next to my mailbox.

Not_So_Much April 5, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Can't wait to make all the pages stick together on that classic!

hagajim April 5, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Should have titled it "Losing Loser Rubs One Out" – at least it's honest.

MittsHairHelmet April 5, 2011 at 3:02 pm

I admire a woman who can squeeze as much as possible out of whatever assets she possesses. Even in 2011, it's hard for a single woman to get a fair shake. She sees the horny old wingnuts and knows that they're her ticket to a decent 1-bedroom apartment and a glass of wine that didn't come from a box.

It's a dark, lonely world out there and Christine O'Donnell continues to do whatever it takes to survive. I applaud her efforts.

emmelemm April 5, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Box wine libel!!

__kth__ April 5, 2011 at 4:37 pm

just now wondering why O'Donnell gets a publisher and Sharron Angle doesn't, but it's all clear to me now

Jerri April 5, 2011 at 3:04 pm

Surely this will rescue The State of Publishing Today.

magnetite April 5, 2011 at 9:13 pm

She's more the immovable type.

smokefilledroommate April 5, 2011 at 3:05 pm

"Trouble Maker"? Really?

Pop_Socket April 5, 2011 at 3:09 pm

She uses the same fonts and color scheme on the cover as Sarah Palin's coloring book. I'm getting a creepy Single White Female vibe, in more ways than one.

Mumbletypeg April 5, 2011 at 3:11 pm

"Make America Great Again." No, I've never, not ever, heard that used in a slogan, subtitle or screed before.
Winsome, losesome.

Callyson April 5, 2011 at 3:32 pm

So the title of this wingnut's book is "Trouble Maker"? Well, for once she is right about something…except in her case, the trouble she made was for the Reeps' hopes of getting the Senate last year. So she is doing her part to make America great again after all. USA! USA!

Troubledog April 5, 2011 at 3:36 pm

How are we supposed to be Great again while all the other countries think we are a pussy, and there are so many people getting away with things?

[redacted]hse April 5, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Great AGAIN? Why does she hate America?

KeepFnThatChicken April 5, 2011 at 3:47 pm

The pages will be deckle-edged.

Rosie_Scenario April 5, 2011 at 4:22 pm

For her pleasure . . .

Ducksworthy April 5, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Embarrass your self and your family by your stupidity
Run for an office you are totally unqualified for
…..
Profit!

Hey. It works.

MadBrahms April 5, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Why can't we just be really great at masturbating? Some of us seem to have a head start.

MinAgain April 5, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Headed for the remainder bin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…

MiniMencken April 5, 2011 at 4:12 pm

How to make America great again? It's still a great country. It's the people that got small.

Rarian Rakista April 7, 2011 at 4:33 am

I've heard Americans called a lot of things, small is not one of them.

vulpes82 April 7, 2011 at 10:23 am

Quick, more corn syrup! We're too small!

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 5, 2011 at 4:21 pm

The original title was Bell, Book and Candle: Three things I've masturbated with.

magnetite April 5, 2011 at 9:21 pm

Upfists for coffee-sputteringness and bonus YUM! KIM NOVAK moment. Thank you.

DonnyKerabotsos April 5, 2011 at 5:05 pm

uh, is this it?
http://www.amazon.com/Trouble-Maker-ebook/dp/B004

Nah…that would be just too awesome.

MissTaken April 5, 2011 at 5:40 pm

"Product Description
Some girls are just looking for trouble, and the more trouble they get into, the better they like it. Trouble Maker is a collection of stories about good girls looking for some bad trouble, and they find it in some well-endowed men."

Oh god I hope there are several wingnuts ordering this and wondering when the witchy ladybug shows up at the Halloween party.

Jaded[redacted] April 5, 2011 at 6:51 pm

Great. you have permanently fucked up my Amazon Preferences page!

DerrickWildcat April 5, 2011 at 5:37 pm

What's the deal with that lady?

Thedongsofwar April 5, 2011 at 5:43 pm

"Trouble Maker" sounds a whole lot cooler than "4 time political loser who has never had a real job"

mrpuma2u April 5, 2011 at 6:06 pm

I am glad I had no liquid in my mouth, as it would have been shooting out my nose. Well played.

mrpuma2u April 5, 2011 at 6:08 pm

Trouble maker for who? I would say she made some lasting trouble for any future candidate of the GOP in Delaware.

ttommyunger April 5, 2011 at 6:13 pm

Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch! Ohhhhh baby! Ouch……..

KenLayIsAlive April 5, 2011 at 6:23 pm

mmm. Sexy. I mean rusty.

Beetagger April 5, 2011 at 6:24 pm

Too much negative space on the front cover. (The fleshy, moist, glistening part in between the words.)

Gleem_McShineys April 5, 2011 at 6:31 pm

Is there a chapter called "Pudding: Comes in Cups" ?

Jaded[redacted] April 5, 2011 at 6:45 pm

With the wane of the Catholic Church and recently Scientology, mankind is once again putting its energies into an epic standoff with reality.

Jaded[redacted] April 5, 2011 at 6:47 pm

Her glowing earring/CIA radio disturbs me.

FoundingFondler April 6, 2011 at 4:16 am

Porn makes this country great! 80 million dollar Haitian lesbo porn. Just let the free market work and STFU!

Tundra Grifter April 6, 2011 at 11:55 am

From the press release:

"O’Donnell will do TV, radio, and print publicity, and will go on an author to New York, Washington, Delaware, and other a number of other cities."

If St. Martins Press can't edit this, how can it handle an entire book? Among the astonishing number of errors packed into one sentence, when did Delaware become a city? Although, based on population, that's probably correct.

Finally – if she will "go on an author" she should know I'm quite the writer…

[Redacted] I was downfisted for this? WoW! I've never gonna make 100p.

Rarian Rakista April 7, 2011 at 4:34 am

Grammar Nazis are only up fisted if they are beyond cruel.

Hatrabbit April 6, 2011 at 5:47 pm

i love you Christine. i am you!

(i typed that with one hand)

Rarian Rakista April 7, 2011 at 4:29 am

DMT dildo for the win.

Rarian Rakista April 7, 2011 at 4:32 am

We call them spacebags out here on the west coast. I keep them after drinking the wine to fill them later with ice cubes, tequila and margaritas mix for concerts in the park.

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