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You’d Better Take Part In the National Day of Prayer, Or God Will Explode DC

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TIM PAWLENTY 2012! Sorry, NATIONAL DAY OF PRAYER!

Why did God put the White House, Capitol, and Supreme Court building next to each other, put a building-size flag over it all, and subject them to huge human hands that look like they’re about to crush all of this but instead are praying? When God steals the plot of Honey, I Blew Up the Kid, you know He’s pissed.

That’s right: God is going to make RAIN happen if you don’t pray! Have you ever been rained on before? Obviously you haven’t, as all rain does is murder people. Stop playing the Bible games on your Wii and read the Bible instead. Or God will WATER YOUR CROPS. You don’t want that. [Videogum]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Comments

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  • GodShammgod

    They're all praying that their Hoveround battery doesn't die before they get to the Old Country Buffet.

    • DahBoner

      And as the sign on the wall at the Old Country Buffet says:

      IN GOD WE TRUST.

      ALL OTHERS MUST PAY IN CASH….

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    National Day of Prayer, Directed by Michael Bay.

    • Groupshrug

      I'm going to wait till it comes out on DVD.

    • Janinthepan

      Needs more airborne cars on fire.

    • MaxUdargo

      Isn't that the same music they played when Quaritch headed out to destroy Hometree?

  • Barbara_i

    No thanks, I only worship at St Mattress of the Springs and my prayer for Palin's head to implode hasn't come true yet.

    • DaRooster

      Are you sure about the latter part of that?

      • onemoretime79

        we are all aware god works in mysterious ways.

        as for being sure of the latter – ever since i took that vow to never click on any featured story involving palin, i just don't see her as much. funny how that works huh.

    • http://wonkette.com Dr_pangloss

      She is protected from every form of Witchcraft you silly person. You know the power of god would never let anything happen to his Beloved Grifter.

  • nounverb911

    "Or God Will Explode DC"
    Does She promise?

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Strange considering there is no mention in the bible of:
    1) US America
    2) North America
    3) Truknutz
    4) Baconaise
    5) Electricity
    6) Kim Kardashian

    In biblical terms nothing on this list should exist, but yet they do.

    • LiveToServeYa

      Try the Book of Mormon. 7) Underpants, magic. Also.

    • Radio_______

      7. Guns
      8. 9/11
      9. Eskimo

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      Electricity does occur in the Bible, but they called it "Gawd" so…

      The Ark of the Covenant was a Leyden Jar (which is like a big capacitor), and it caused a dude named Uzzah an epic fail when he was killed for keeping it upright on an ox-cart.

    • easynewz

      Can't spell sodomy without Sodom.
      Buttsechs is proof that Baby Jeebus luvs us. Also, too.

  • edgydrifter

    Honestly, I'd settle for God just exploding, period.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Actually, I'd prefer that God's Fan Club would explode.

  • Preferred Customer

    Needs moar lens flare. What is this, a JJ Abrams movie?

  • YasserArraFeck

    "When the telephone rings at 3 am, who do you want taking the call?"

    er…God, apparently

    • FNMA

      The Ghostbusters?

    • onemoretime79

      a 3 am phone call is some god calling you. then, you got three choices.
      1) yes bring condoms and weed
      2) yes bring condoms and liquor
      3) no you stupid fuck i told you it was over

      maybe there's a fourth i'm overlooking?

      • Tommmcattt

        4. "What are you wearing?"

        • onemoretime79

          4a) What do you want me to be wearing, see #1 and/or #2 above.

  • jus_wonderin

    I am pretty sure they don't want me to pray my heart to the good Lord. Because, if by some chance he answered the prayer…well, let's just say the world ends in some odd million personal pan pizza ovens.

  • memzilla

    Say, you know who else used the beams of a Rising Sun to symbolize their ruler…?

    • nounverb911

      Emperor Hirohito?

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

      Sun Ra?

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      The Animals?

    • SudsMcKenzie

      KC and the Sunshine Band?

    • SorosBot

      The Teletubbies?

    • unclejeems

      Arizona?

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      Ra's Al'Gul?

    • http://wonkette.com Dr_pangloss

      Ancient Eygpt?

  • prommie

    Pray all you want, deluded fools! As long as those Gauguin Titties of Evil remain hanging in the Sacred White Christian Capital of Christ's favorite country (and as long as the President is Near) we're doomed to catastrophe followed by crisis followed by disaster, yes, until the evil is exorcised, we will suffer scourges and tribulations, the Plague of Palins, the Pestilence of Trump, Teatards and PETA stalking the land.

    • unclejeems

      We got trouble, right here in River City.

  • nounverb911

    "God is going to make RAIN happen if you don’t pray!"
    That hasn't stopped all of the Godless people in Seattle.

    • http://wonkette.com Dr_pangloss

      Then all the people of Texas, Arizona and Oklahoma must be praying thier asses off they haven't seen any rain in months.

  • GregComlish

    That settles that. Time to vandalize the Corcoran for Jeebus. Who's with me Wonketters?

  • LiveToServeYa

    Don't make God angry or God will spank. Also, don't make him turn this Rapture right around, buster.

  • BornInATrailer

    Much like the first time I saw the Sun Drop soda ad, I assumed satire.

    But, no, that was serious. I know there are faithful reading this and I'm sure many of you are very nice people but holy shit you are loons.

  • Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    Well, I'm glad they spared no expense when hiring the actors for this masterpiece. That girl looking at a bluescreen with an expression like she's trying to remember if she left the stove on? ACTING! That kid looking out the window at an apocalyptic storm thing and then picking up a bible with all the haste and urgency of a stoned college student looking up Domino's pizza in the whitepages? ACTING! The group of people kneeling on the floor like someone lost a contact? THE HEIGHTS OF THESPIANISM!

    • bumfug

      Boobs and thespianism are what got that painting attacked!

    • fuflans

      to be fair, scott walker destroyed their unions.

  • YasserArraFeck

    Bring it on, God, I got Pella windows

  • baconzgood

    Needs moar T&A!

  • aguacatero

    This may be bad form, but for those of you who will be participating in the 5/5 day of prayer, would you mind just quickly asking for the Red Sox to beat the Angels in the afternoon game that day at Fenway Park — 1:35 start so please ask early. Thx.

  • pbrex

    This looks bad, weren't those the same clouds that showed up when all the gays wanted to get married? Zeus must be Pissed.

  • freakishlywrong

    Umm..Jesus H. Tittyfucking Christ? And these people are afraid of "Islamists"?

  • Thurman Munster IV

    Cinco de Mayo? Say Jesus, can I have another margarita?

    • LiveToServeYa

      Dunno, but I hear Jesus mixes a mean Bloody Mary.

      • DahBoner

        # OUR LADY OF GUADALUPE DUH WINNING

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    I know some very peaceful devout people who will celebrate national prayer day the way the celebrate every day: put out their prayer rugs, bow to Allah in the direction of Mecca. Do it five times a day. Simple.

    • V572..whatever

      Heretics.

  • mourningnmerica

    That was a clear case of Wagner abuse.

  • DashboardBuddha

    I'll give it this…my own personal downfister is fast. I bet he upgraded his Rascal with LiPo batteries.

  • Lucidamente1

    Why is the Matterhorn in there? Isn't that in like France or something?

    • bureaucrap

      stoopid– it's at Disneyland/Disneyworld!!! Where God Lives — next to Mickey and Minnie Mouse and Sleeping Beauty.

    • Rotundo_

      And if you climb it and survive, you get fifty thousand kronkites and a polka band playing you into town…

  • mourningnmerica

    Wait, let me get this straight. If we don't pray… God might… punish us?

    This changes everything.

  • aguacatero

    Oh shit.

    Still, I bet even God is annnoyed by their full name "Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim." Especially if God understood Spanish, then he might read the team's name as "The Angels Angels of Anaheim," which would really steam him. Plus, God, being something of a "bandwagon" fan, is widely known to root for the team with the higher payroll.

    • Swampgas_Man

      If you got money on this, Gawd will need a piece of the action.

    • V572..whatever

      God's still pissed about the Dodgers moving out of Brooklyn. And the DH? Don't get Him started!

  • OneYieldRegular

    Spoiler warning: God turns out to be Francois Truffaut stepping out of the mothership surrounded by a bunch of big-eyed blinking aliens.

  • Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    Needs moar Muslin prayer rugs.

  • OC_Cesium-137 _Serf

    We are in a drought here out West…let 'er rip O Big Daddy In the Shy

  • jakegittes

    At lunch today at work, we were going to do a little experiment to see whether a Quran burns faster than a Bible. But, we didn't. Because we have a no smoking policy in the office. If we can get that policy changed in time, we might reschedule the experiment for 05-05-11. I'll keep y'all posted.

  • Lucidamente1

    What would Jesus say? Oh right:

    "And when thou prayest thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets that they may be seen of men Verily I say unto you __ They have their reward. But thou when thou prayest enter into thy closet and when thou hast shut thy door pray to thy Father which is in secret and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly."

    • ttommyunger

      Sorry, no can do; all the closets in D. C. are full of Republican Congressmen, their aides and Lobbyists.

    • MinAgain

      Yeah, that was the one I always quoted during the prayer in schools debate. Good times. Good times.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Oh, bloody Jesus blah blah blah. You think Xtians pay any attention to that faggot?

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    That score isn't even good faux Carmina Burana.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Carl Orff shoulda patented it rather than copyrighting it.

  • Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    The "Kneel Before Your Almighty God" message reminds me of those old Johnny Wadd films.

  • Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    I find the idea of God sparing San Francisco rather implausible.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      I beg your pardon. Are you personally familiar with God's inclinations?

      • http://wonkette.com Dr_pangloss

        Just sayin, if everytime some god bothering chiken little screamed "Its THE END TIMES" I had a dollar I'd be richer than the Koch Brothers. Just sayin.

    • http://wonkette.com Dr_pangloss

      Or New York, or Philadelphia, or Austin or LA ect…

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Are the bike lanes in Portland crowded with strippers eating donuts? Sounds delightful.

  • Sue4466

    You have to admire the restrained subtlety of the thing.

  • smokefilledroommate

    May 5th is Cinco de Mayo, so I'll probably be praying to the porcelain goddess. Does that count?

  • pinkocommi

    How much do you want to bet that, when God destroys the world, he will leave heartbeatless and evil warlord Dick Cheney alive, just to mess with us?

  • Swampgas_Man

    Goin' down the street in your big cadillac
    Gaughin in the front and his girls in the back
    Yeah way in the back, Bachmann in the sack
    Both hands in prayer and yer shoulders right back.

  • JoshuaNorton

    The Golden Gate Bridge was spared! That must make a few thousand fundie heads explode.

    Actually, the whole thing looked like any number of BBC "Dr. Who" episodes where the Earth gets conquered by Cybermen or Daleks and David Tennant saves us all for the umpteenth time.

    • BornInATrailer

      EXTERMINATE!

      • CrankyLttlCamperette

        EXCOMMUNICATE!

        • ShaveTheWhales

          EXFOLIATE!

    • OneYieldRegular

      Spared, but for how long? The only way the bridge could possibly be lighted that way (I should know – I was just up in the headlands yesterday looking down on it) is if it were being graced by the light of *two* suns.

    • fuflans

      i would consider organized religion if david tennant was involved.

  • ttommyunger

    All prayers are answered; it's just that sometimes the answer is: "You again? I thought I told you to fuck off!".

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    Ooops, May 21st. Why did I say May 24th? What's happening on the 24th?

    • undeterredbyreality

      Major celebration for the disappearance of all the assholes on earth! It will take 3 days to prepare, you know, just like it took JC 3 days to rise again. Oh yeah–and he'll be the headliner.

    • mereoblivion

      Nothing, presumably, just like on the 22nd and 23rd.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Toga party.

    • http://wonkette.com Dr_pangloss

      The 24th is the day that I win the lottery. Dammit God couldn't you have scheduled that a little earlier. FUCK!

  • Guppy06

    1.) If we're going to repeal the first amendment anyway, can it be a capital offense to make videos like this?

    2.) You got it backwards, fundies pray in favor of God destroying DC.

    3.) The kid listens to the word of God, but not the word of Nintendo? "Thou shalt wear thy fucking wrist strap!"

  • Gopherit

    MAybe if i don't pray, it will bring the rapture? That sounds like it has win all over it.

    • Cicada

      I'm on board with this. I have my copy of Therefore Repent! on hand for reference. Fuck the Splitters!

  • Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    I get part where the guy playing videogames realizes what's up and grabs a bible. But the girl before that, what's her problem? She's just sitting on her bed with her legs spread wide.

    • Guppy06

      Her quiver isn't full.

    • mayor_quimby

      Her 'uncle ' is in the bathroom getting ready for sexytime with her. But then she was taken with the word and went to some weatherbeaten farmhouse church across from her exurban subdivision.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Pray, dammit, or Roland Emmerich will get another movie deal!

    And if he does… May God help us all…

    *dramatic chord*

    • SorosBot

      Looking at imdb, he's got something about Shakespeare coming next September. Be afraid…

      • Fare la Volpe

        Knowing Roland, Macbeth will be an L.A. drug lord, Lady Mac will be a stripper, and their quest for power will involve blowing up the HOLLYWOOD sign.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    The best part is that any GOP presidental candidate who just added their name to the end of this commericial and bought airtime would win Iowa.

  • Ducksworthy

    Sturm und Drang (German pronunciation: [ˈʃtʊʁm ʊnt ˈdʁaŋ]) (literally "Storm and Urge", although usually translated as "Storm and Stress"[1]) is a movement in German literature and music taking place from the late 1760s through the early 1780s, in which individual subjectivity and, in particular, extremes of emotion were given free expression in reaction to the perceived constraints of rationalism imposed by the Enlightenment and associated aesthetic movements.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Mercy — this National Day of Prayer (isn't it sponsored by The Family, the creepy power-lusting religious cult that runs the C Street House?) will finally fix our huge national deficits of sanctimony, ignorance and irrationality.

  • mereoblivion

    This thing makes Hedwig & the Angry Inch look like Invasion of the Bodysnatchers, with numerous outtakes from Twister thrown in 4 xtra inscrutability.

  • Gold_ManSacks

    Quickly, if you bastards don't start praying right now that chunky girl and the muslin with a Wii machine might have to go outside and visit their local church and get sexy-touched by that black guy.

    • http://wonkette.com Dr_pangloss

      I noticed that.. a black preacher preaching to a mostly mixed bag of white folks out in Bumblefuck, NoWhere. Most of the folks out there tain't never seen a black person let alone a black preacher.

  • mavenmaven

    I love that they use the fascist Carl Orff music. Very appropriate.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Don't think that's Orff. Sounds more like someone trying to imitate James Horner after a long night with a bottle of Boone's Farm.

      • mavenmaven

        Orff-lite?

        • LiveToServeYa

          Fucked-Orff

  • mavenmaven

    Because its cool. Wouldn't you want a starship if you were god?
    Surgical scrubs and a starship, and god is placated.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Great shot in the video of the US Capitol dome and that statue of Jesus on top of it. Wait! Not a statue of Jesus? A woman, wearing "flowing draperies, you say? Eagles talons, fasces, and wreathes? Maybe on Cinco de Mayo they'll all be praying that this heathen statue will disappear and be magically replaced by a bad copy of Christ of the Andes.

  • prommie

    No no, its when you read that Bristol Palin has been paid $262,000 to serve as "ambassador" for teen pregnancy, thats when its double, triple, quadruple, hell, even intravenous time. Really, why fucking try, just to have to eat chicken thighs and drive a motorized skateboard to work because of the $4 a gallon gas, despite my fucking J.D. on the wall? The effort-reward curve is way way way off. I am serioiusly considering going and living under a bridge.

  • MadBrahms

    This wasn't what I had in mind when I prayed for God to "make it rain", at all.

  • CrankyLttlCamperette

    I will be waiting for "National Day of Slayer" myself…
    http://www.nationaldayofslayer.org/

  • poncho_pilot

    is this the sequel to 2012? this is even worse than the Atlas Shrugged trailer.

    again: what? no mushroom cloud?

  • poncho_pilot
  • mrpuma2u

    Can I do a Wiccan prayer with burning incense and a bonfire? May 5th is just after Beltaine, one of the biggest Wiccan holidays.

    • http://wonkette.com Dr_pangloss

      Beltaine is lots of fun, voluptuous girls dancing around a fire, drink and music. Sounds like a goor time to me.

  • onemoretime79

    Voodoo always angers teh lord gawd almighty. I'm here also, and i see sunshine out my window. Also, buds. On trees I mean. For clarification.

    Do pardon my enthusiasm as I have just recently ex-caped Texas. And maybe you are familiar with the quote

    "If I owned both Hell and Texas, I'd live in Hell and rent out Texas." Philip Henry Sheridan.

    That about sums it up fer me.

  • MinAgain

    Only one day of prayer? Slackers.

  • Gleem_McShineys

    "What if we didn't care?"

    I will let you know the answer to this question, monstrous noisy deity-begging cloudgasm show, very soon.

  • onemoretime79

    ELO spaceship. My first concert experience. Funny thx 4 the link memories. (Do ya?)

    Also. I'd heard Steve Martin talking about people getting small. Until that night, I didn't know it could be real. True story: I saw people getting small after that concert. It was on account of, as I was leaving the ELO, I fell to my knees w/o realizing I had. Literally. Naturally, it appeared to me I had gotten small, and I just could not stop laughing.

    Fortunately, my friends picked me up and helped me outta the venue. Good tijmes.

    Point being I've known fundamentalists. And they number in the few. And of the few of them ? Half will laugh along w/us, even @ this commercial. The other half? Stimulate the economy cuz they're buying stuff and building stuff for when their world comes to an end.

    Winning.

  • magnetite

    God doesn't need Starship. It only seems that way because the tape player snaps every other tape he puts in it.

  • magnetite

    Lord, how they have strayed. They no longer observe the old ways, the tried and true ways of their forefathers as they delivered your Word.

    Not a single fucking star wipe. That's a smitin' offence right there.

  • BarackMyWorld

    I still don't understand how helping poor people get healthcare is outside the proper role of government, while having national prayer days and state sponsored religious monuments is perfectly ok.

  • mayor_quimby

    It's A Trap!
    There is no christian call to prayer, that's only the islamists. They even had a black secret muslin preacher tricking those good white people from some sort of abandoned farmhouse to kneel, to SUBMIT to allah.
    And apparently they prayed to save SF and DC, come on, that's Sodom and Gomorrah .
    Pretty sneaky sis!

  • Pithaughn

    So Spielberg is remaking the Wizard of Oz with a large dollop of fascism added?

    • Rotundo_

      "Gee Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore." "Thank Fucking God!"

      • Pithaughn

        Richard Dreyfuss as the Lion or the Wizard?

  • JuanJamon

    That was the worst commercial Michael Bay ever directed.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    The answer to all the "What if we didn't…." questions in the clip appears to be: "The mothership from Close Encounters will come down and mock us".

  • http://wonkette.com/ FoundingFondler

    Strippers all across this great nation will be clamoring to find God as soon as they hear he's gonna "make it rain"!

  • Buckminster

    Craptastic!