boob job

REVEALED: Homophobic Hag Who Attacked Gauguin’s Topless Ladies

Oh, no grudge at all!The lunatic who attacked the Paul Gauguin masterpiece “Two Tahitian Women” screamed about her hatred of lesbians as she impotently pounded on the clear plastic cover protecting the post-impressionist portrait of a pair of topless Maori gals. The suspect, 53-year-old Susan Burns, screamed “This is very homosexual!” as she attacked the painting on exhibit at Washington’s National Gallery of Art. And then she claimed she has a radio in her head and works for the CIA.

The Daily Mail fills in the details left out by our national embarrassment, the Washington Post:

According to a criminal complaint filed in Washington, D.C. Superior Court, Burns said that the painting is “‘very homosexual. I was trying to remove it. I think it should be burned … I am from the American CIA and I have a radio in my head. I am going to kill you.”

And who saved the beloved French artwork from the white middle-aged violent homophobic wingnut? A brave social worker visiting the Washington museum from the Bronx. This is the complete story of America in 2011.

The painting, which really can’t be valued properly on the capitalistic scale because it belongs in a museum, is nonetheless said to be worth $80 million. It was undamaged in the assault.

Susan Burns pleaded not guilty in court on Saturday. She will be put on the GOP 2012 presidential ticket as either president or vice president, depending on how boring the other candidate is. [Daily Mail]

If you are in Washington, please do go see this exhibit — and please don’t attack the art. Gauguin’s paintings in real life are a completely different experience than seeing them in art books or on a computer screen. And because the exhibition is at one of America’s great national museums for the people of America, the National Gallery of Art, you need no extra passes or tickets to see these phenomenal paintings. Go!

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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192 comments

  1. Barbara_i

    The Mona Lisa has a better set of eyebrows than this nut case. They must have been lost in the scuffle.

    1. YasserArraFeck

      The "no eyebrow" thing makes her look a bit like Jared Laughner, "The Second Amendment Solucson from Tucson", just not quite so crazily happy – probably disappointed that she only got to use her fists and not a Glock.

    1. Gopherit

      can you imagine if she and bachmann has a torrid lesbian affair? What is the opposite of "really hot"?

    2. Poindexter718

      I don't see it.
      Tipper is quite fair and she's perky in an altogether different way than those Pacific Islander lezzers in the picture.

    3. Rotundo_

      Maybe Tipper on a 6 month meth binge, but methinks Tipper is much better put together than Lady Frothington here.

  2. memzilla

    Faux News headline: "Union Thug Deprives Tea Partier of God Given Rights, Proves Democrats Are Gay."

    1. Lost_Teabaggers

      Yes, that's a good headline…but you're forgetting something: Barack Obama is a Kenyan Socialist Crypto-Muslin fascist. Remember, every time anything happens…it's Obama's fault and further proof that he's evil. What kind of Fox News story pitcher are you? Bill Sammon says you're fired….

  3. nounverb911

    "And then she claimed she has a radio in her head and works for the CIA. "
    Is she Bachmann's twin sister?

    1. Not_So_Much

      No, the resemblance in teh krazee brain and eyes is too uncanny to be coincidence. I think this is actually Michele who has come back from the future to save us from terminators. And boobs.

        1. karen

          I'm not gonna lie. I read an article about Lindsey Graham on another website yesterday and immediately I had the urge to eat ham. I blame all of you for this.

  4. Goonemeritus

    Sure Gauguin was a syphilitic pederast and more alarmingly he was French, still I find his work transcendent.

      1. Goonemeritus

        Funny you should bring that up, I can’t watch his movies because of what he did yet I give Gauguin a pass, what's that about. Maybe making Catherine Deneuve look ugly and scary in Repulsion put it over the top.

          1. Goonemeritus

            Yet another excellent example, this became family dinner time conversation. I loved Woody Allen, I can measure my entire youth with his filmography. I hate what he did yet his old films exist for me totally separate from that reality.

          2. tessiee

            His older films, yes. I can't watch the ones where he's making out with actresses decades younger than himself, e.g., Mariel Hemingway, Mira Sorvino, etc. It was always kind of icky, but now the real-life resonance makes it downright creepy.

  5. memzilla

    Must I be the first to point out the irony of a teabagger interfering with the Second Amendment's right to bare arms?

  6. SmutBoffin

    She will be put on the GOP 2012 presidential ticket…

    It's either this or a reality show Take That, Homo Art!

    1. Breitbart twink

      Meet the future head of the NEA in Teabagistan (formerly known as the US of A).

    2. SmutBoffin

      O.T., but sources in the City Clerk's Office in Madison WI report turnout is massive. May exceed 2008 levels.

      Hope the rest of the state follows suit…

  7. GodShammgod

    At least the women in the paintings weren't in burqas. That would be the real outrage.

  8. nounverb911

    "very homosexual. I was trying to remove it. I think it should be burned … I am from the American CIA and I have a radio in my head. "
    Lindsey Graham is not amused.

  9. freakishlywrong

    Beady angry eyes? Check!
    "Isolated indecent"? Check!
    Glenn Beck cult member? You betcha!

  10. widestanceroman

    She is gonna LOVE her new life in Cell Block H and I think Frankie has a special welcome basket for her.

  11. V572..whatever

    I'm so glad that this story did not fail to ascribe a dollar value to the artwork that was attacked. Because what is the point of even talking about art that isn't worth big $$$?

  12. GregComlish

    Those two art chicks are pretty hot. Probably not hot enough for me to go apeshit, threaten to kill people, vandalize a priceless work of art, and then make up some embarrassing bullshit about the CIA. But still hot.

  13. Michelle

    If I'da knewd all the naked ladies in them there pitchers was lesbos, I'da gone to that museum when I was protestin' there wit my Obama-Hitler eats Christians babies and wants to kill your gramma to make a socialist commie regime signs.

  14. Breitbart twink

    Hair-sprayed 'do, beady eyes, pinched expression… She's too perfect. I say she's one o' them homo-art plants set up to make flyover housewives look bad.

  15. MittsHairHelmet

    When did we go from "things are getting crazier" to "things are getting crazier every 5 minutes"?

      1. MittsHairHelmet

        I mean, this is beyond fox.

        This is like this woman is getting her news from the comments feed on Sarah Palin's facebook posts.

    1. Ken Layne

      I think it was about the time that wingnut shot up the Holocaust Museum, and then all the other wingnuts did "open carry" with their assault rifles at health insurance public meetings.

      So, two and half years? Gah ….

      1. James Michael Curley

        It was about a 10:30 pm EST on Nov 4, 2008 when they turned on the TV to find out, in the words of Gabby Johnson in "Blazing Saddles", "The Sheriff is a nigger!'

      2. MittsHairHelmet

        Yea. It's like thats when the exponential curve started, but sometime between November and the AZ shootings x became >1 and the graph is going straight up

  16. nounverb911

    "And because the exhibition is at one of America’s great national museums for the people of America, the National Gallery of Art, you need no extra passes or tickets to see these phenomenal paintings. Go! "
    Show closes Friday at Midnight whether it wants to or not.

    1. finallyhappy

      yup, got a note that I am not to come to my museum if there is a shutdown. Well, at least teabaggers won't be exposed to Human Origins(Evolution!?!?!?!) or a movie on Saudi Arabia(which does cost money- IMAX 3-D doesn't come cheap) during the furlough.

    1. DahBoner

      For this one, that phrase would only make sense if you're wearing a wifebeater t-shirt…

  17. RodneyBadger

    I got "I am from the American CIA and I have a radio in my head" in a fortune cookie once.

  18. DashboardBuddha

    Hold on just a minute there…how can a "great" American museum contain the "work" of some lazy, strike happy, socialistic Frenchy?

  19. JustPixelz

    …Burns said that the painting is “‘very homosexual. I was trying to remove it. I think it should be burned"

    She wanted to burn the picture like it was a common Koran or an American flag or an NPR radio station. I reiterate my call to ban on fire in public discourse.

  20. DaRooster

    "I think it should be burned …"

    Did she to school in Iowa? Because she too thinks it's all about her… It ain't lady… so, just FUCK OFF!

    (As you can probably tell I think I've had enough of these Dumb-Asses… it's not an EXCUSE, it's just a reason)

  21. SayItWithWookies

    You know, if conservative morality didn't parallel schizophrenia so closely, these things wouldn't upset the crazies.

  22. KenLayIsAlive

    I know. Doesn't this sad lady know that the proper way to deal with your repressed sexual urges is to run for congress and then go down on another woman in an airport bathroom?

  23. El Pinche

    That's not a radio in your head , you big silly! That's just the Butthole Surfers.

    I don't give a fuck about the FBI
    I don't give a fuck about the CIA
    I don't give a fuck about LSD
    I don't give a fuck about anything
    ..

  24. Native_of_SL_UT

    Are you trying to tell me that not everybody has a radio in their heads? I call Bullshit!

    1. mrpuma2u

      I blocked mine from receiving any more transmissions by painting my hat with several coats of lead based paint….

    2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I thought I had a radio in my head, but then it kept telling me that it isn't there.

      Now I don't know what to believe.

  25. MaxUdargo

    Actually, now that you mention it, she looks like the unholy spawn of Frank Burns and Hot Lips Houlihan. But that probably couldn't happen in real life. Could it?

  26. jus_wonderin

    Let's just be glad this was a female Teabagger and not a male. We'd have a hole cut in this work of art at crotch level.

  27. Poindexter718

    This is what happens when the CIA quits recruiting from the Humanities; nowadays, it's all about computers and artificial intelligence and whatnot.

  28. glamourdammerung

    Whatever.

    I am sure our Breitard "pals" will be here any time now to berate us over this obvious atheist, Muslim, communist Nazi, who is only doing this to make teabaggers look unhinged.

    1. SorosBot

      The Washington Post's comments had a bunch of wingnuts saying, "she's obviously just crazy, how dare you call her a conservative".

      1. comrad_darkness

        Did you answer, "funny how it's getting very difficult to tell the difference" ?

  29. LiveToServeYa

    She apparently missed out on the meeting where they handed the poison teeth around.

  30. crybabyboehner

    There are some wonderful things in the exhibit that I don't usually associate with Gauguin, ie woodcuts

    Still, the hot lesbo scenes were definitely the highlight !

    1. finallyhappy

      Because I am obviously a socialist homo loving over educated person, I had seen a lot of this work before. My favorite was the Catholic Priest and his "girlfriend" carvings from outside Gauguin's house that the Priest had confiscated- and were put up for auction- and Gauguin was the highest bidder!

    1. chicken_thief

      In Burns defense, one of the hottie's faces looks like she just ate a glazed donut, but it is hard to make that out in the photos.

  31. V572..whatever

    Or we could talk about how beautiful the art is, how looking at it upsets our bourgeois expectations, how art expresses things no other form of communication can imagine.Nah, let’s talk about moolah!

  32. Swampgas_Man

    No lips because she's too Xtian to wear heathen makeup like onea them French tarts.

  33. Sue4466

    But yet, when John Ashcroft covered the breast of that statue lady at the DOJ he was still taken seriously as a noncrazy person.

    Let the eagle soar!

  34. mightykendar

    If nekkid ladies are all it takes to make her start violently raging against inanimate objects, I'd hate to see what she'd do if someone gave her an issue of National Geographic.

  35. GOPCrusher

    The saddest part, nothing about this is surprising. I rate this right up there with the Taliban destroying ancient Buddhist statues in Afghanistan.

  36. Ducksworthy

    I am from the American CIA and I have a radio in my head. I am going to kill you. So many are called, so few are chosen.

  37. Allmighty_Manos

    I'm kind of surprised she was in a museum in the first place. Must of thought it was a Cracker Barrel or something.

    1. DahBoner

      Now, everything makes sense.

      Her crazy ramblings were just a symptom of low blood sugar…..

  38. mrpuma2u

    This nutcase has red jezebel/whore of babylon lipstick on. If she really loved jeebus she would reject such worldly trappings.

  39. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Apparently someone wants to be a Congress person from Minnesota, or Governor of Alaska.

  40. dancesw_cougars

    I think the conservatives may have just found their "Jane the Plumber" for 2012.

  41. tessiee

    "Why does she have no lips?"

    Also, and forgive me for taking an easy cheap shot at someone's looks, what the hell is the deal with her nose? There's something seriously wrong with it, like it's a fake nose or something.

    1. tessiee

      Aw hell, as long as I'm taking cheap shots at her looks… I'm pretty sure a person's eyes aren't supposed to be triangular.

  42. Gomez571

    On the back of the painting is written the following:
    This sort of thing never happens to me but one beautiful afternoon in Tahiti I was sitting on the beach when two gorgeous Tahitian girls walked up to sell me some fruit. One was wearing only a sarong and the other's shirt had shifted to the side so I had a beautiful view of ……..

    1. SorosBot

      From wikipedia:

      "Commerçon also described the practice of public sex,[10] which he said Tahitians engaged in while being cheered on by applause and musical instruments.[11] In the marital relationships Tahitians closely approached the situation where all women were the wives of men and the wife of every man was also the wife of his friend."

      Then came the missionaries who converted the Tahitians to Christianity and turned them from their sinful ways. Fuck you, missionaries.

  43. Crank_Tango

    LOL yeah but he did it cuz he was pissed at Gauguin. Then he gave it to the hooker, cuz that's just what you do.

  44. Joey_Ratz

    She's clearly a liberal plant. This is a plot to make conservatives look bad. Y'know, like that old dude who shot up the Holocaust Memorial in D.C.

  45. finallyhappy

    A. I think I sent this tip- YEAH, ME!. B. I saw this exhibit last week-and did not scream or hit the paintings. C. National Gallery has really overpriced and pretty bad gelato. Although being as it is gelato and not ice cream- the whole damn place is socialist.

  46. Jukesgrrl

    The crazee would be too much for a state so small. Send her here to Arizona. She'll find a soul mate in a flash.

  47. Jukesgrrl

    When the Koch Brothers take over, this silly foreign stuff will be out and our museums will be retrofitted with pictures of their yachts a.k.a "maritime art."

  48. anniegetyerfun

    I was thinking she'd be happier after a couple of year's as a Frances Perkins student at Mount Holyoke. But either way.

  49. FlownOver

    It's all a scam to achieve her real objective. Few people know it, but John Hinckley's on the lookout for a new roomie, and this one is hoping to achieve the universe's first Krayzee Singularity.

  50. BZ1

    Burns has been arrested several times and has convictions for carjacking, disorderly conduct, trespassing and assault on a law enforcement officer. Add pirating radio signals to the police blotter.

  51. finallyhappy

    yeah, till I read the radio in my head and American CIA- having read about her previous arrest record- I just thought she was a basic criminal- but yup, she is the crazee. hard as it is to get mental health coverage/treatment now- you seriously will have to be arrested before you get a psych work up or be able to pay out of pocket.

  52. Pithaughn

    Oh come on, who doesn't have a radio of some sort in their head now a days? Mine is tuned to the Wait wait don't tell me show!

  53. Negropolis

    Are we absolutely sure this new strain of crazy isn't communicable, because I'm beginning to have my doubts.

    Let's just say that it's really nice that a helicopter can land and take-off from the White House lawn. You know, I'm not the worrying type about presidents, but I'm starting to worry about this man.

    It's like we're careening toward something, but can't see exact what for the rain pounding down on the windshield.

  54. Neoyorquino

    . . . There are also scenes of naked women with floppy breasts, and also at one point you can see a pair of buttocks and there's another bit where I'll swear you can see everything, but my friend says it's just the way he's holding the spear.

  55. Doktor Zoom

    It would, of course, be irresponsible to assume that this [attempted] act of arson art destruction was political in nature, or that a conservative might be to blame. It could be simple vandalism, right?

    Even if this was politically motivated, I think we need to remember who the real victim is: Sarah Palin.

    (Shit, I should just whip up a keyboard shortcut for this, seems it's relevant every other day or so)

  56. SonofSpermcube

    Shouldn't she be wearing a veil or something?

    Oh, sorry, I get them so easily confused.

    Also, she should, regardless.

  57. zhubajie

    There's something odd about her eyes and lips; is it bad plastic surgery? Is she a cut-rate tranny?

  58. loulouroo

    I'm seeing her adding some flavor to the Pawlenty ticket. Bachmann doesn't want her, too much thunder-stealing there.

  59. 102415

    I love Radiohead too but if I look like that because I listen to them I'm going to stop this weekend for sure.

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