THE DEVIL'S NETWORK  12:05 pm April 5, 2011

Mike Huckabee Destroyed All Evidence He Ever Used a Computer

by Jack Stuef

They're hiding hundreds of hard drives under those shirts!Mother Jones is apparently looking through the public records of the lame Republican presidential candidates these days (maybe THEY can figure out which of those Trump birth certificates/strands of hair are real), and they hit a snag when they requested Mike Huckabee’s from his time as governor of Arkansas. Apparently Mike Huckabee never was governor of Arkansas, as there is no evidence of it; it was all destroyed, according to the office of the current governor. “Moreover, at that time, all of the computers used by former Governor Huckabee and his staff had already been removed from the office and, as we understand it, the hard-drives in those computers had already been ‘cleaned’ and physically destroyed,” they wrote. Thanks to Huck sitting on all his hard drives to crush them, the world may never know what kind of porn he likes.

But there was a backup!

Parsons requested the backups and eventually filed a lawsuit against Huckabee and Beebe, alleging that the new governor had siphoned taxpayer money from an emergency fund to pay to replace the destroyed hard drives. Altogether, the new equipment cost over $335,000. Huckabee countered that the information on the hard drives included private details, such as social security numbers, that shouldn’t be released to the public. In the end, Parsons’ suit was dismissed—largely because he didn’t name Turner, who apparently possessed the records, as a plaintiff.

$335,000? Exactly how many computers was Huckabee using that he needed to destroy? Keep it in your office, Huck!

Huckabee’s aversion to public disclosure extends beyond his gubernatorial papers. He and his handlers have also taken steps to block access to videotapes of his sermons, spanning his 12 years as a Southern Baptist minister before he entered politics. During the 2008 campaign, Mother Jones reported that Huckabee’s campaign had refused to make the sermons public—and that, according to an official at one of the churches he’d led, much of the archival material relating to Huckabee’s tenure had been destroyed.

So not only was Huckabee watching weird man-on-dead-squirrel porn on hundreds of government computers, he was also illegally taking lobbyist money directly from God. This is what we must assume, as Huckabee destroyed all the evidence he was ever anything but a former presidential candidate with a terrible talk show. [Mother Jones]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 125 comments }

Barbara_i April 5, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Next he should destroy all evidence that he ever used a vagina. Those sons of his are manthrax.

Sophist [غني عن ذلك] April 5, 2011 at 12:21 pm

I don't think the memory hole is big enough to dispose of those particular pieces of…evidence.

ProgressiveInga April 5, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Not without serious consequences to Uranus.

ThankYouJeebus April 5, 2011 at 12:38 pm

No female libido within 1000 miles can survive.

ttommyunger April 5, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Apethrax! You are too kind, B.

Fukui_sanYesOta April 5, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Those kids should probably avoid Texas

Breitbart twink April 5, 2011 at 12:23 pm

There's a good chance the hunters could become the hunted around lunch time.

unclejeems April 5, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Those Texas "hogs" are javelinas–smart, small, fast, mean, well-armed (so to speak) and they live in hard country. Hard to find 'em or catch 'em. Hence the Texas helicopters–some real sport there, Dick Cheney.

No, these boys look like your average farm-raised Republicans–fat, slick, stupid country-club Baptist mouth-breathers from Arkansas. Like my folks.

nounverb911 April 5, 2011 at 12:09 pm

"He and his handlers have also taken steps to block access to videotapes of his sermons, spanning his 12 years as a Southern Baptist minister before he entered politics. "
Is Huckabee actually a secret Muslin in disguise?

Breitbart twink April 5, 2011 at 12:24 pm

I've heard rumors about his infamous "God FUCK America" sermon.

GuanoFaucet April 5, 2011 at 12:10 pm

[T]he world may never know what kind of porn he likes

Animal crush films?

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum April 5, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Animal blender, more like.

Turns one whole muskrat into a great tasting drink!

tessiee April 5, 2011 at 12:58 pm

???

I thought that was Bass-O-Matic.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BQFv83QJ2Y

widestanceroman April 5, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Something involving being force-fed liposuction waste by large ladies dressed entirely in bacon.

I do not want to continue this discussion.

tessiee April 5, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Can we instead discuss the possibility of Christopher Walken dressed entirely in bacon?

widestanceroman April 5, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Ugh. My abusive ex resembled the young Walken (fresh-faced, but with hell demons lurking within) and I've not forgiven either for it, so I guess that's a no.

tessiee April 5, 2011 at 1:35 pm

OK, I'm easy going.
I'll dance with Christopher Walken and you can dress up Alan Rickman in bacon.
How's that?

Radio_______ April 5, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Old Yeller?

Dudleydidwrong April 5, 2011 at 2:59 pm

There once was a guv'nor named Huck
With a dead whore that he liked to fuck.
"She sure looks like hell
And I can't stand the smell–
But the money I've saved brings me luck."

I hate limericks.

kissawookiee April 5, 2011 at 3:04 pm

Hey, in all fairness, his son didn't realize the dog was already sitting on the couch.

MildMidwesterner April 5, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Given the general state of Arkansas, I'm surprised there was ever a computer down there.

DaRooster April 5, 2011 at 12:12 pm

$335,000 worth of tubes.

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 5, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Someone has to use all those TRS 80s or they would just be in the land fills.

ManchuCandidate April 5, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Mike Huckabee would have nothing to hide. Nope. He's so pure and honest and rationale.
Just kidding.

Based on GOPer characteristics: I'm guessing something that would make Vitter poop his diaper in shame (that he didn't think of it first) and disgust.

DaRooster April 5, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Scary pork pic…

BarackMyWorld April 5, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Mike Huckabee Destroyed All Evidence He Ever Used a Computer

Did he eat it?

Breitbart twink April 5, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Apologies for biting your comment below, B. I didn't see your take at the time!

BarackMyWorld April 5, 2011 at 8:36 pm

Yours was better.

Not_So_Much April 5, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Hard drives taste just like roadkill squirrel.

LiveToServeYa April 5, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Yes, he ate it in many small bytes.

Angry_Marmot April 5, 2011 at 12:13 pm

SPEBSQSA or GTFO.

XOhioan April 5, 2011 at 12:18 pm

I just looked that up. Holy crap–there is a connection. They were making fun of Roosevelt with the acronym.

Rosie_Scenario April 5, 2011 at 12:13 pm

And yet, they were unable to destroy that picture!!!1!1 A First Family that actually looks like America.

Steverino247 April 5, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Varmint Porn! Yee-haw!

nounverb911 April 5, 2011 at 12:13 pm

If Huck wins, Air Force One is going to need a bigger plane.

Weenus299 April 5, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Southwest 737s are available.

karen April 5, 2011 at 12:23 pm

One of those hog-like children would get sucked into the hole and it would be like that end scene from Alien Resurrection where the Alien's guts get sucked out into space like a vacuum cleaner.

Jesus H. Christ hangin' off the cross, that's such a horrible mental image.

jus_wonderin April 5, 2011 at 12:29 pm

"A Southwest Flight landed safely today after a 3 foot section of the fuselage opened at 35 thousand feet. Thankfully, one of Mike Huckabee's sons bravely plugged the hole using his entire body. FFA investigators are suggesting a Huckabee on every flight as the solution to this very serious situation of potential metal fatigue."

V572..whatever April 5, 2011 at 12:58 pm
Weenus299 April 5, 2011 at 12:52 pm

More or less like when Auric Goldfinger gets sucked out of the plane.

James Michael Curley April 5, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Or Goldfinger.

GuyClinch April 5, 2011 at 12:14 pm

It was almost certainly a home video version he and the rest of that good-lookin' family of his made of The Aristocrats that he's hiding. And he probably threw in a few soon-to-be furloughed convicts as extras, to spice it up a bit.

mavenmaven April 5, 2011 at 12:14 pm

From all his glib smiling, I'll guess there's stuff in those sermons that would make even Mel Gibson uncomfortable.

SexySmurf April 5, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Do you think they're wearing shirts with vertical stripes to look thinner? They might want to try a circus tent.

widestanceroman April 5, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Yeah, that whole thing stops working when you have stripes by the trillions to cover your largess.

tessiee April 5, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Vertical stripes may be slenderizing, but they can't actually, you know, change the laws of physics.

trondant April 5, 2011 at 1:49 pm

They are wearing circus tents – under the canvas it's nothing but naked drunk freak midgets juggling chainsaws, Bibles, and roasted squirrels.

Breitbart twink April 5, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Let me guess: he deep fried all the computers and his family ate them.

johnnymeatworth April 5, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Wait, computers can be used for something other than printing recipes???

harry_palmer April 5, 2011 at 12:16 pm

He destroyed his sermons as Minister of Truth?

JustPixelz April 5, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Another OKIYAR scenario.

Imagine if Clinton said he couldn't find some e-mails. OH WAIT, we don't have to imagine. Just use the Way Back Machine to see how Judicial Watch, Ken Starr, Fux News, et al reacted to some lost e-mail backups.

Imagine if Sarah Palin™ said her e-mails from her short time as governor should not be released. No Way Back needed, just turn on Fux to witness the outrage. (NOTE: I haven't seen it myself because I'd have to change the channel, but I assume Fux is just full of outrage.)

mumbly_ジョジョ April 5, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Constantly. Much as they're outraged- OUTRAGED! That Bush and co. used private email servers to conduct business they didn't want to end up publicly disclosed, and also accidentally-on-purpose destroyed all of the evidence of all of the torture they conducted.

SorosBot April 5, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Considering how insane the stuff he publicly spews is, and that we already that as governor he pardoned a rapist because his victim was related to Bill Clinton who went on to murder another woman, what he's trying to hide must be really bad.

James Michael Curley April 5, 2011 at 2:52 pm

One of the classic claims involves his oldest son, a dog and a chain saw.

Weenus299 April 5, 2011 at 12:18 pm

He must've graduated from squirrels and blenders to footage of human brains and melon ballers.

Sophist [غني عن ذلك] April 5, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Well, he's already destroyed all the evidence that he'd ever had an education or a conscience, so I guess this is par for the course. Hopefully he'll go on to destroy all evidence he ever existed, then crawl into a hole and pull it in after him.

One can always hope, right?

Midway117 April 6, 2011 at 11:26 am

That's what I'm thinking. If he erases himself from American history, that's just fine with me.

jus_wonderin April 5, 2011 at 12:20 pm

One has to wonder what type of vehicle they use to get groceries home from the Wal-Mart?

I am pretty sure that the answer involves quantum physics.

LouBristol April 5, 2011 at 12:48 pm

General Relativity.

BarryOPotter April 5, 2011 at 2:13 pm

what type of vehicle they use to get groceries home from the Wal-Mart?

A Tardis-class maxivan…

weejee April 5, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Could this be called the Arkansas Information Burqa?

KenLayIsAlive April 5, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Sounds legitimate.

mereoblivion April 5, 2011 at 12:23 pm

from a sermon on Nov. 4, 2007, when Hushabye was no longer an Official Messenger From Godville but a beloved presidential candidate:
"And whatever is the score at half-time or late in the second half, don’t worry, because the game’s already been played at the cross. Jesus paid the price that has to be paid for us to have eternal life and for us to have victory . . ."
He titled this one "Christianity: Judaism for Folk Who Need to Know the Final Score BEFORE They Talk to Their Bookie."

tessiee April 5, 2011 at 1:04 pm

So now I'm picturing a bookie with gold chains and a well-chewed cigar telling some unfortunate bettor: "Jesus didn't do so good at coverin' yer bets. Now we're gonna havta breaks yer thumbs".

harry_palmer April 5, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Arkansans are outraged – that an out-of-state socialist rag is poking about in their lovable fat boy's bidness.

Chet Kincaid April 5, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Footage of lovable fat boy's bidness being poked is in fact what prompted the info-purge.

metamarcisf April 5, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Those are the same shirts the Beach Boys used to wear before Brian Wilson was taken away in a rubber truck.

Breitbart twink April 5, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Proof that stripes are not always slimming. You can only push those vertical lines so far.

jus_wonderin April 5, 2011 at 12:34 pm

It is however a perfect visual aid for illustrating the "branes" theory of multiple universes successively existing in a side by side orientation.

James Michael Curley April 5, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Those stripes look like the lines on a topographical map of the Ozark Mountains.

alzronnie April 5, 2011 at 12:26 pm

He didn't destroy those hard drives by sitting on them, someone just poured chocolate syrup on them and Hucko ate it all. .

comptoneffect April 5, 2011 at 12:29 pm

“…the world may never know what kind of porn he likes.”

From the photo above: probably the kind covered in chocolate and whipped cream.

Come here a minute April 5, 2011 at 12:31 pm

I bet it wasn't Gauguin.

mereoblivion April 5, 2011 at 1:02 pm

MethVan Gogh, maybe?

Fukui_sanYesOta April 5, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Lardo da Vinci?

No, no. Of course. Rubens.

Steverino247 April 5, 2011 at 12:31 pm

You know who ELSE destroyed early records that might prove scandalous when he ran for the top job?

SexySmurf April 5, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Mitt, Newt and every other Republican running for president?

jus_wonderin April 5, 2011 at 12:40 pm

That girl from "The Crying Game"?

An_Outhouse April 5, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Aristide?

metamarcisf April 5, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Carrot Top?

SorosBot April 5, 2011 at 12:53 pm

PM Mister Saxon?

Weenus299 April 5, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Mohandas K. Gandhi?

Fukui_sanYesOta April 5, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Flavor Flav?

GregComlish April 5, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Josef Stalin?

HogeyeGrex April 5, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Evil Bert?

SayItWithWookies April 5, 2011 at 12:33 pm

As one familiar with the Bible, Huck well knows the damage facts can do to mythology — he's just pre-empting any kind of character assassination that might result from anyone interfering with his self-hagiography as a man of character.

Gopherit April 5, 2011 at 12:33 pm

I see Huckabee as a crush porn kind of guy.

Not_So_Much April 5, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Not by choice.

Gopherit April 5, 2011 at 12:57 pm

touche…..though his wife must be pretty sturdy…..or adept at clambering up slick surfaces.

Not_So_Much April 5, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Block & tackle, carabiners, belay lines, velcro…the mind boggles at what must have gone into creating that herd of cattle…

Negropolis April 5, 2011 at 11:56 pm

Surely, an assorted system of pulleys and tubes.

Steverino247 April 5, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Wait! It's all clear to me now. He destroyed all evidence of his love for the works of Paul Gauguin! The "Two Tahitian Women" screensaver alone would have knocked him out of the race.

Weenus299 April 5, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Considering he thinks 2-dimensionally, they're actually 1 and a half women. Or three boobs.

CliveWarren April 5, 2011 at 12:35 pm

Probably just a bunch of those cute pictures where the dog is swinging from a branch and going: "Hang In There!"

Something lovely like that…

tessiee April 5, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Yeah, except the cute critter is supposed to be swinging from a branch by its paws, not a noose.

pinkocommi April 5, 2011 at 12:35 pm

“…the world may never know what kind of porn he likes.”

That Jesus guy is often depicted up there on the cross naked, hands and feet bound. Very kinky stuff.

tessiee April 5, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Also, he's got really great abs, not like some deities I could name *cough*Buddha*cough*.

seppdecker April 5, 2011 at 12:36 pm

We all know that if Jesus could come back, he would become violently ill to see what passes for Christianity.

I'm guessing Huck would love that, because his old hard drives are filled with coprophagia porn – he'd have sacrament and smut all at the same time.

El Pinche April 5, 2011 at 12:42 pm

But didn't Jesus turn feces into chocolate?

tessiee April 5, 2011 at 1:22 pm

*hopefully*
I can do that!
*crestfallen*
Oh, wait…

Mumbletypeg April 5, 2011 at 12:46 pm

I have a sermon for Huckster. It's starts with the consequences of keeping a lamp under a bushel, and ends with flinging pearls at swine. Huck, even your Christian forebears weren't daft about the art of concealment. MAN UP, buddy!!

Oblios_Cap April 5, 2011 at 12:47 pm

It's crazy, I tells ya! They couldn't find any of Bush's military records or Obama's long form birf certicate either…

DahBoner April 5, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Or any evidence of wrongdoing in the Clinton inquisitions.

Beetagger April 5, 2011 at 12:52 pm

I'm sure the most frequently visited site was http://www.lemonparty.org

El Pinche April 5, 2011 at 1:14 pm

jesus fucking christ…serves me right by clicking on it.

starfanglednut April 5, 2011 at 7:44 pm

most.disgusting.link.evah

unclejeems April 5, 2011 at 8:12 pm

Jesus H. Christ.

tessiee April 5, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Does this family make me look fat?

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 5, 2011 at 12:54 pm

If Mike Huckabee was governor of your state, even Arkansas, wouldn't you want to destroy all traces of it?

Think of the children!

tessiee April 5, 2011 at 12:55 pm

"$335,000? Exactly how many computers was Huckabee using that he needed to destroy?"

Also, how expensive is it to destroy a computer? Can't it be done with a magnet and/or a bottle of Elmer's Glue?

widestanceroman April 5, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Well, he got hungry, so ordered a few hundred thousand pizzas to bide him over until dinner.

ttommyunger April 5, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Not when the contract goes to a crony, Tess. Where have you been, child?

tessiee April 5, 2011 at 1:38 pm

*smacks forehead with heel of hand*
Dang, I would have wrecked it for $250,000!
Free market, I'm doin it rong.

ttommyunger April 5, 2011 at 1:41 pm

O.K. then!

DahBoner April 5, 2011 at 12:56 pm

I heard that at the end of all Christian porn they always cum in the collection basket…

mereoblivion April 5, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Now I'm laffing all the way to the sperm bank.

ttommyunger April 5, 2011 at 1:23 pm

All this proves that this clown is planning on being a serious contender. Also proves his head is full of snakes or there wouldn't be such a housecleaning called for. Now if he can just get both eyes to focus on just one camera lens simultaneously…Damn you Ron Christie! He has about as much control over his wall-eyes as he does his waistline.

Chet Kincaid April 5, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Thanks Wonkette, I will add this to my ever-lengthening Wiki of "Things I Could Never Get Away With As A Black Man Or A Democrat."

tessiee April 5, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Okey-dokey, then.
*consults clipboard*
Hugh Jackman and bacon for you… check.
Christopher Walken and Alan Rickman for me… check.

Everyone's happy.

gurukalehuru April 5, 2011 at 3:06 pm

No record of his sermons, eh? God DAMN America!!!!

mrpuma2u April 5, 2011 at 3:23 pm

More like he wants to squash the tapes of him "speaking in tongues" or some other wack job evangelical "gettin' the freak on for jeebus" evidence. Some old VCR tape is out there Mikey boy, and it will surface. Just a matter of some meth head former parishioner needing to score and bada-BING!

MadBrahms April 5, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Take *that*, freedom of information act!

"Oh, those files you requested? We couldn't find them, but here's a hard drive someone threw into a microwave. Enjoy."

poncho_pilot April 5, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Mike Huckabee has always been at war with Eastasia.

BZ1 April 5, 2011 at 6:45 pm

Huckleberry knows how to work them computer things?

user-of-owls April 5, 2011 at 6:54 pm

Aw fuck, owls is getting sick of providing Arkansas backup, though there have been some heroic locals (please represent!) that have tried to explain that we here are no more or less deserving of scorn than any other fucking state in the Union. I'm a born Mass-hole, who did an undergrad in Colorado, a doctorate in Texas and got a tenured job in Arkansas. There is not one fucking place among the bunch that is any more wretched nor any better in terms of ethnic relations. It's all about how lines are defined by either the people or demagogues.or both.

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