the devil's network

Mike Huckabee Destroyed All Evidence He Ever Used a Computer

They're hiding hundreds of hard drives under those shirts!Mother Jones is apparently looking through the public records of the lame Republican presidential candidates these days (maybe THEY can figure out which of those Trump birth certificates/strands of hair are real), and they hit a snag when they requested Mike Huckabee’s from his time as governor of Arkansas. Apparently Mike Huckabee never was governor of Arkansas, as there is no evidence of it; it was all destroyed, according to the office of the current governor. “Moreover, at that time, all of the computers used by former Governor Huckabee and his staff had already been removed from the office and, as we understand it, the hard-drives in those computers had already been ‘cleaned’ and physically destroyed,” they wrote. Thanks to Huck sitting on all his hard drives to crush them, the world may never know what kind of porn he likes.

But there was a backup!

Parsons requested the backups and eventually filed a lawsuit against Huckabee and Beebe, alleging that the new governor had siphoned taxpayer money from an emergency fund to pay to replace the destroyed hard drives. Altogether, the new equipment cost over $335,000. Huckabee countered that the information on the hard drives included private details, such as social security numbers, that shouldn’t be released to the public. In the end, Parsons’ suit was dismissed—largely because he didn’t name Turner, who apparently possessed the records, as a plaintiff.

$335,000? Exactly how many computers was Huckabee using that he needed to destroy? Keep it in your office, Huck!

Huckabee’s aversion to public disclosure extends beyond his gubernatorial papers. He and his handlers have also taken steps to block access to videotapes of his sermons, spanning his 12 years as a Southern Baptist minister before he entered politics. During the 2008 campaign, Mother Jones reported that Huckabee’s campaign had refused to make the sermons public—and that, according to an official at one of the churches he’d led, much of the archival material relating to Huckabee’s tenure had been destroyed.

So not only was Huckabee watching weird man-on-dead-squirrel porn on hundreds of government computers, he was also illegally taking lobbyist money directly from God. This is what we must assume, as Huckabee destroyed all the evidence he was ever anything but a former presidential candidate with a terrible talk show. [Mother Jones]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. Barbara_i

    Next he should destroy all evidence that he ever used a vagina. Those sons of his are manthrax.

    1. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

      I don't think the memory hole is big enough to dispose of those particular pieces of…evidence.

    1. unclejeems

      Those Texas "hogs" are javelinas–smart, small, fast, mean, well-armed (so to speak) and they live in hard country. Hard to find 'em or catch 'em. Hence the Texas helicopters–some real sport there, Dick Cheney.

      No, these boys look like your average farm-raised Republicans–fat, slick, stupid country-club Baptist mouth-breathers from Arkansas. Like my folks.

  2. nounverb911

    "He and his handlers have also taken steps to block access to videotapes of his sermons, spanning his 12 years as a Southern Baptist minister before he entered politics. "
    Is Huckabee actually a secret Muslin in disguise?

    1. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

      Animal blender, more like.

      Turns one whole muskrat into a great tasting drink!

    2. widestanceroman

      Something involving being force-fed liposuction waste by large ladies dressed entirely in bacon.

      I do not want to continue this discussion.

        1. widestanceroman

          Ugh. My abusive ex resembled the young Walken (fresh-faced, but with hell demons lurking within) and I've not forgiven either for it, so I guess that's a no.

          1. tessiee

            OK, I'm easy going.
            I'll dance with Christopher Walken and you can dress up Alan Rickman in bacon.
            How's that?

    3. Dudleydidwrong

      There once was a guv'nor named Huck
      With a dead whore that he liked to fuck.
      "She sure looks like hell
      And I can't stand the smell–
      But the money I've saved brings me luck."

      I hate limericks.

    4. kissawookiee

      Hey, in all fairness, his son didn't realize the dog was already sitting on the couch.

  3. MildMidwesterner

    Given the general state of Arkansas, I'm surprised there was ever a computer down there.

  4. ManchuCandidate

    Mike Huckabee would have nothing to hide. Nope. He's so pure and honest and rationale.
    Just kidding.

    Based on GOPer characteristics: I'm guessing something that would make Vitter poop his diaper in shame (that he didn't think of it first) and disgust.

    1. XOhioan

      I just looked that up. Holy crap–there is a connection. They were making fun of Roosevelt with the acronym.

  5. Rosie_Scenario

    And yet, they were unable to destroy that picture!!!1!1 A First Family that actually looks like America.

      1. karen

        One of those hog-like children would get sucked into the hole and it would be like that end scene from Alien Resurrection where the Alien's guts get sucked out into space like a vacuum cleaner.

        Jesus H. Christ hangin' off the cross, that's such a horrible mental image.

        1. jus_wonderin

          "A Southwest Flight landed safely today after a 3 foot section of the fuselage opened at 35 thousand feet. Thankfully, one of Mike Huckabee's sons bravely plugged the hole using his entire body. FFA investigators are suggesting a Huckabee on every flight as the solution to this very serious situation of potential metal fatigue."

  6. GuyClinch

    It was almost certainly a home video version he and the rest of that good-lookin' family of his made of The Aristocrats that he's hiding. And he probably threw in a few soon-to-be furloughed convicts as extras, to spice it up a bit.

  7. mavenmaven

    From all his glib smiling, I'll guess there's stuff in those sermons that would make even Mel Gibson uncomfortable.

  8. SexySmurf

    Do you think they're wearing shirts with vertical stripes to look thinner? They might want to try a circus tent.

    1. widestanceroman

      Yeah, that whole thing stops working when you have stripes by the trillions to cover your largess.

    2. tessiee

      Vertical stripes may be slenderizing, but they can't actually, you know, change the laws of physics.

    3. trondant

      They are wearing circus tents – under the canvas it's nothing but naked drunk freak midgets juggling chainsaws, Bibles, and roasted squirrels.

  9. JustPixelz

    Another OKIYAR scenario.

    Imagine if Clinton said he couldn't find some e-mails. OH WAIT, we don't have to imagine. Just use the Way Back Machine to see how Judicial Watch, Ken Starr, Fux News, et al reacted to some lost e-mail backups.

    Imagine if Sarah Palin™ said her e-mails from her short time as governor should not be released. No Way Back needed, just turn on Fux to witness the outrage. (NOTE: I haven't seen it myself because I'd have to change the channel, but I assume Fux is just full of outrage.)

    1. mumbly_ジョジョ

      Constantly. Much as they're outraged- OUTRAGED! That Bush and co. used private email servers to conduct business they didn't want to end up publicly disclosed, and also accidentally-on-purpose destroyed all of the evidence of all of the torture they conducted.

  10. SorosBot

    Considering how insane the stuff he publicly spews is, and that we already that as governor he pardoned a rapist because his victim was related to Bill Clinton who went on to murder another woman, what he's trying to hide must be really bad.

    1. James Michael Curley

      One of the classic claims involves his oldest son, a dog and a chain saw.

  11. Weenus299

    He must've graduated from squirrels and blenders to footage of human brains and melon ballers.

  12. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    Well, he's already destroyed all the evidence that he'd ever had an education or a conscience, so I guess this is par for the course. Hopefully he'll go on to destroy all evidence he ever existed, then crawl into a hole and pull it in after him.

    One can always hope, right?

    1. Midway117

      That's what I'm thinking. If he erases himself from American history, that's just fine with me.

  13. jus_wonderin

    One has to wonder what type of vehicle they use to get groceries home from the Wal-Mart?

    I am pretty sure that the answer involves quantum physics.

    1. BarryOPotter

      what type of vehicle they use to get groceries home from the Wal-Mart?

      A Tardis-class maxivan…

  14. mereoblivion

    from a sermon on Nov. 4, 2007, when Hushabye was no longer an Official Messenger From Godville but a beloved presidential candidate:
    "And whatever is the score at half-time or late in the second half, don’t worry, because the game’s already been played at the cross. Jesus paid the price that has to be paid for us to have eternal life and for us to have victory . . ."
    He titled this one "Christianity: Judaism for Folk Who Need to Know the Final Score BEFORE They Talk to Their Bookie."

    1. tessiee

      So now I'm picturing a bookie with gold chains and a well-chewed cigar telling some unfortunate bettor: "Jesus didn't do so good at coverin' yer bets. Now we're gonna havta breaks yer thumbs".

  15. harry_palmer

    Arkansans are outraged – that an out-of-state socialist rag is poking about in their lovable fat boy's bidness.

  16. metamarcisf

    Those are the same shirts the Beach Boys used to wear before Brian Wilson was taken away in a rubber truck.

    1. Breitbart twink

      Proof that stripes are not always slimming. You can only push those vertical lines so far.

      1. jus_wonderin

        It is however a perfect visual aid for illustrating the "branes" theory of multiple universes successively existing in a side by side orientation.

    2. James Michael Curley

      Those stripes look like the lines on a topographical map of the Ozark Mountains.

  17. alzronnie

    He didn't destroy those hard drives by sitting on them, someone just poured chocolate syrup on them and Hucko ate it all. .

  18. comptoneffect

    “…the world may never know what kind of porn he likes.”

    From the photo above: probably the kind covered in chocolate and whipped cream.

  19. Steverino247

    You know who ELSE destroyed early records that might prove scandalous when he ran for the top job?

  20. SayItWithWookies

    As one familiar with the Bible, Huck well knows the damage facts can do to mythology — he's just pre-empting any kind of character assassination that might result from anyone interfering with his self-hagiography as a man of character.

      1. Gopherit

        touche…..though his wife must be pretty sturdy…..or adept at clambering up slick surfaces.

        1. Not_So_Much

          Block & tackle, carabiners, belay lines, velcro…the mind boggles at what must have gone into creating that herd of cattle…

  21. Steverino247

    Wait! It's all clear to me now. He destroyed all evidence of his love for the works of Paul Gauguin! The "Two Tahitian Women" screensaver alone would have knocked him out of the race.

    1. Weenus299

      Considering he thinks 2-dimensionally, they're actually 1 and a half women. Or three boobs.

  22. CliveWarren

    Probably just a bunch of those cute pictures where the dog is swinging from a branch and going: "Hang In There!"

    Something lovely like that…

    1. tessiee

      Yeah, except the cute critter is supposed to be swinging from a branch by its paws, not a noose.

  23. pinkocommi

    “…the world may never know what kind of porn he likes.”

    That Jesus guy is often depicted up there on the cross naked, hands and feet bound. Very kinky stuff.

    1. tessiee

      Also, he's got really great abs, not like some deities I could name *cough*Buddha*cough*.

  24. seppdecker

    We all know that if Jesus could come back, he would become violently ill to see what passes for Christianity.

    I'm guessing Huck would love that, because his old hard drives are filled with coprophagia porn – he'd have sacrament and smut all at the same time.

  25. Mumbletypeg

    I have a sermon for Huckster. It's starts with the consequences of keeping a lamp under a bushel, and ends with flinging pearls at swine. Huck, even your Christian forebears weren't daft about the art of concealment. MAN UP, buddy!!

  26. Oblios_Cap

    It's crazy, I tells ya! They couldn't find any of Bush's military records or Obama's long form birf certicate either…

  27. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If Mike Huckabee was governor of your state, even Arkansas, wouldn't you want to destroy all traces of it?

    Think of the children!

  28. tessiee

    "$335,000? Exactly how many computers was Huckabee using that he needed to destroy?"

    Also, how expensive is it to destroy a computer? Can't it be done with a magnet and/or a bottle of Elmer's Glue?

    1. widestanceroman

      Well, he got hungry, so ordered a few hundred thousand pizzas to bide him over until dinner.

      1. tessiee

        *smacks forehead with heel of hand*
        Dang, I would have wrecked it for $250,000!
        Free market, I'm doin it rong.

  29. DahBoner

    I heard that at the end of all Christian porn they always cum in the collection basket…

  30. ttommyunger

    All this proves that this clown is planning on being a serious contender. Also proves his head is full of snakes or there wouldn't be such a housecleaning called for. Now if he can just get both eyes to focus on just one camera lens simultaneously…Damn you Ron Christie! He has about as much control over his wall-eyes as he does his waistline.

  31. tessiee

    Okey-dokey, then.
    *consults clipboard*
    Hugh Jackman and bacon for you… check.
    Christopher Walken and Alan Rickman for me… check.

    Everyone's happy.

  32. mrpuma2u

    More like he wants to squash the tapes of him "speaking in tongues" or some other wack job evangelical "gettin' the freak on for jeebus" evidence. Some old VCR tape is out there Mikey boy, and it will surface. Just a matter of some meth head former parishioner needing to score and bada-BING!

  33. MadBrahms

    Take *that*, freedom of information act!

    "Oh, those files you requested? We couldn't find them, but here's a hard drive someone threw into a microwave. Enjoy."

  34. user-of-owls

    Aw fuck, owls is getting sick of providing Arkansas backup, though there have been some heroic locals (please represent!) that have tried to explain that we here are no more or less deserving of scorn than any other fucking state in the Union. I'm a born Mass-hole, who did an undergrad in Colorado, a doctorate in Texas and got a tenured job in Arkansas. There is not one fucking place among the bunch that is any more wretched nor any better in terms of ethnic relations. It's all about how lines are defined by either the people or demagogues.or both.

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