it's morning in america

Obama Will Prosecute 9/11 Suspects In Kangaroo Court, For Freedom

They hate us for our alcoholic energy urine in a can

  • Yielding to dozens of Surveymonkey petitions, Barack Obama has decided that allowing Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and his merry 9/11 pranksters to be tried in a “normal” court — you know, where torture-induced confessions are not considered “evidence” — would be inappropriate, and that a sensationalized military kangaroo tribunal with a swift verdict would be much better for his reelection efforts. Anyway, now “justice” will be served? Sure! This is why we need indefinite detention camps, rape prisons and military comedy courts — if we don’t suspend habeas corpus, the terrorists will steal all of our precious freedums. [AP]
  • Instead of “another” story about radioactive dookie being tossed into the Pacific Ocean: Prosecution documents accuse elderly sex maniac and crook Silvio Berlusconi of paying thousands of (underage?) prostitutes to massage his wrinkly risotto balls, during his famous “bunga bunga” parties. (This is not really news, but these court documents are definitely worth reading!) [Reuters]
  • An ambitious bill which would allow hicks to use helicopters to kill feral hogs and wolves is making its way through the Texas legislature, yee-haw. [McClatchy]
  • Some college students won a basketball game. Other college students did not. [AP]

About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman
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  1. Moonbatting Average

    That basketball game was an abortion. If Planned Parenthood had been defunded, it would have been a lot better.

    1. freakishlywrong

      Nothing warms a wingnut where his/her heart would be like demoralizing Libtards.

  2. MildMidwesterner

    Why use expensive helicopters? Japan has extra radiation laying around, and Texas has extra feral hogs. Why not combine the two for a win-win of irradiated barbeque deliciousness?

    1. PsycWench

      Plus you wouldn't need a neon sign in the shape of a hog when you can use the actual hogs.

  3. freakishlywrong

    While I'm disappointed about the KSM decision, really, Congress are the pussies here. It was a huge NIMBY fear campaign. Even Bernie Saunders voted against funding. Meh. Fuck the world.

    1. riverside68

      Bernie voted against funding? *#%&#$*%^&
      I hate democracy's craven capitulation to hysteria.
      This is one of the biggest loads of BS to come down the pike in a long time.
      These guys are criminals and need to be treated as such.
      We have elevated them to warriors who we are too afraid to process in our maximum security prison system.
      Geeze they sound pretty special don't they, maybe Allah is granting them special powers that make the west wet their pants if they get too close.
      (Rant on: Yes I work in Financial District and worked with people killed on 9/11 and I think the US history in the middle east in the 20th century could not be more fucked up. But Western civilization is about the rule of law, not when it is easy, but when it is hard. When reason is under attack, we need to double down. Rant off.)

      1. emmelemm

        Excellent rant.

        (There are so many things we should do not only when they are easy, but especially when they are hard.)

  4. OC_Cesium-137 _Serf

    I have never ever watched a college or professional basketball game in my nearly 50 years on this rock. Do NOT understand college sports at all, and basically loathe all professional sports. Overpaid genetic freaks. Hate the territorial rivalry over a private enterprise…that demand tax-payer-funded arenas. Damn Barry today, too.

    The End.

    (Getting my coffee now)

    1. weejee

      Like yer new name. The cesium 137 Tepco is spewing out is going to make Japan's surf really shitty saki as its half life is ~ 30 years.

      1. OC_Cesium-137 _Serf

        thanx…I update it depending on the particular isotope in the Newport Beach breeze

        fuck, I kinda miss the colour-coded warning days

        1. DemmeFatale

          I'm not reading the NYT anymore. I'm just going to follow your username for my info.

          And I'm glad this basketball nonsense is over, too. (Not easy for someone with a 6'9" father and brothers who are 6'10" and 6'5".)

      1. OC_Cesium-137 _Serf

        Oh, I am a pretty good cook and host…just no reason to watch grown men get paid millions to act out violent fantasies of fat fucks on the couch…I prefer my porn to be sexy.

      1. Swampgas_Man

        See, this is why the only sport I follow is women's pro wrestling. All the thrill of victory and surprisingly little homo-eroticism.

  5. ManchuCandidate

    I stopped caring about March Madness after Kansas choked (again) putting the final destruction to my bracket. Fucking VCU. Fucking UConn. Fucking Kansas St.

    Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with Kansas? I don't see any difference between them and tractors as they both have an automatic choke.

    1. James Michael Curley

      I stopped caring about March Madness before there was a March Madness. In HS could not understand why a bunch of guys chased another guy bouncing a ball on the floor and then turned around and did it in the other direction for an hour. Now crouching down in the grass, jumping up on command and slamming into another guy – that wasa real sport.

  6. slithytoves

    I used to make killer fried risotto balls topped with my own pesto. Never again. Thanks Riley.

  7. Hera Sent Me

    Texas is allowing the shooting of feral hogs from helicopters? I never thought the day would come that we Texans would be so cruel to our state bird.

    1. V572..whatever

      Isn't this just a legislative slap at Arkansas? Won't Little Rock soon pass a bill allowing longhorn steers to be, I don't know, abused in rodeos?

      1. SorosBot

        Texas must have something against the Huckabees to legalize shooting them from helicopters.

        1. SorosBot

          Or, to the rest of the world, the heavy metal devil horns; it was funny to see the Bushes always making that hand symbol not knowing what it meant to the vast majority of people, basically everyone who wasn't from Texas.

          1. V572..whatever

            Does everybody know what Barack's Hawaiian "hang loose" gesture means? Cuz it's kinda gross.

  8. donner_froh

    "Otherwise, I'll be left with my university degree and a kick in the arse, like so many other kids." (Berlusconi bunga-bunga babe)

    The future is just as bright for college graduates in Italy as in the United States of Amerikkka.

  9. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Wouldn’t it be a great headline if Oingo Boingo played at one of those bunga bunga parties and Berlusconi was caught with a smoking bong while the band played a cover of Bang a Gong?

    1. riverside68

      I think you missed the Boeing Boeing play reference.
      Other than that, pretty good coverage

  10. Mumbletypeg

    An ambitious jobs bill which would allow hicks to use helicopters to kill feral hogs and wolves is making its way through the Texas legislator

    Because said legislator was so offended by the bill he crumpled it up and swallowed it à la Robbie Coltrane's "Fitz" in Cracker.

  11. PsycWench

    Prosecution documents should accuse elderly sex maniac and crook Silvio Berlusconi Donald Trump of paying thousands of (underage?) prostitutes to massage his wrinkly risotto balls scalp and thinning hair, during his famous “bunga bunga” "The Apprentice" after-parties.

    fixed that for you

  12. SorosBot

    Ah, Berlusconi; doing his best to make our politicians look honest and pure by comparison. Still, the Republicans have got to be looking at him to learn how they too can get caught hiring scores of 14-year-old prostitutes and stay in office for years.

    Oh, and at that stupid college basketball shit is over. Every year, I try my best to completely ignore it, but people will not stop bringing that stupid thing up and will not take "I don't care" for an answer.

    1. freakishlywrong

      Truthfully, I'd KILL for a good old fashioned Republican sex scandal right about now. Preferably, involving that asshole Eddie Munster guy, Paul Ryan. (The Great White Hope™)

      1. SorosBot

        Yeah, but that doesn't help with things like my weekly Quizzo game two weeks ago, when over half the questions were about the stupid fucking basketball tournament. And my teams' sports nerds were all gone that night.

          1. SorosBot

            Oh, I noticed; it almost makes it seem like the obsessive stalker may be somewhat mentally ill.

    2. lulzmonger

      Hmm, I bet Darrel Issa can afford to buy FOX (or at least a majority share) if he gets a few rich Congressbrahs to chip in, so the Berlusconi Gambit may come to the USA after all.

      Still gonna be a lot harder to sell the spin – after all, you KNOW those 14-year-old hookers will all be boytoys.

  13. LesBontemps

    WTF, Bamz, you really think you can't trust a jury of Real Merkins(tm) in a gen-u-wine Fe(de)ral court to convict Kahlid Sheikh Mohammed? If that guy was found guilty of half of what he already admitted to (even before the torturez) he'd be in SuperMax forever, until he meets the death needle. You're missing a golden opportunity for some election-year courtroom drama/political theater, dude!

    1. V572..whatever

      Unless the judge says, as he or she should, "Mr Holder, all your 'evidence' is fruit from of poison true, not admissible in court, and therefore I'm setting KSM free to murder you all in your beds!" That Fourth Amendment is motherfucker. Good thing we just got rid of it.

      1. LesBontemps

        Pah, as if you would need evidence for a conviction. Dude's name is enough for any Real Merkin.

        (Besides, KSM has repeatedly said he wants to confess and be found guilty. Why not let him?)

        1. V572..whatever

          Because the purpose of the criminal justice system is not to fulfill the wishes of the accused?\Oh, I forgot. The purpose of the CJS is to provide therapy for relatives of victims.

          1. LesBontemps

            So you bring KSM before an actual real Merkin US District Court and … what, refuse to allow him to enter a plea? Refuse to allow him to take the stand? Refuse to allow him a knowing waiver of 5th Amendment rights? How does this play out?

            And of course, this trial has absolutely nothing to do with criminal justice; this is pure political theater for both the government and KSM (and all the bloviators of the commentariat). But just because it's a show trial doesn't automatically mean the result isn't warranted or justly obtained. And to the extent it is in fact political theater, done properly it can be effectively used for a variety of purposes — and everyone gets what they want. Except the scare-mongering promoters of kangaroo court "military tribunals."

          2. V572..whatever

            I’m (obviously) not a lawyer, but it seems to me that we should try KSM like any other criminal. The system ought to be more important than any one trial. If he wants to grandstand excessively, the judge can go Julius Hoffman on his ass and have him tied up, which looks terrible to the world too, but better than just perpetual confinement @Gitmo.

          3. riverside68

            I am a lawyer in recovery and there is no way he would not get convicted of enough to max him out, and in the process take him down to common criminal level.
            Just ask Omar Abdel-Rahman from, as the FBI calls it, "Trade Boom 1" fame. Shit, one of OAR's lawyers is now in jail for talking about her client.

      2. AJW@[redacted]

        Then we go after him for tax evasion, because we just know he hasn't paid taxes on all that room, board and medical care he's been receiving in lieu of pay over the last 10 years.

  14. harry_palmer

    Kangaroos insist on having only trials they can win held offshore somewhere like Tasmania? Cuz otherwise they're getting slandered here.

  15. mereoblivion

    Chuckle, guffaw: You said "students," twice, in a very short paragraph about the NCAA!

    1. SorosBot

      Ridiculous. They are unpaid professional athletes; they do not actually attend school.

  16. deanbooth

    `No, no!' said the Queen. `Sentence first–verdict afterwards.'

    `Stuff and nonsense!' said Alice loudly. `The idea of having the sentence first!'

    `Hold your tongue!' said the Queen, turning purple.

    `I won't!' said Alice.

    `Off with her head!' the Queen shouted at the top of her voice.

  17. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Hunting feral hogs doesn’t need helicopters just get some irresistible bait like Newt Gingrich dressed in nothing but a pair of sow ears talking about military women in trenches.

    1. karen

      See I thought they meant that they were going to be hovering around Walmarts picking off the hogs walking out the doors. Like fish in a barrel.

    2. zhubajie

      Feral hogs are generally lean and muscular. The males have huge tusks, for ripping up their enemies. It might be fun to see a video of them making short work of Newt!

  18. donner_froh

    Indefinite detention without trial is the mark countries whose human rights records should be emulated by all nations: the People's Republic of China, Uzbekistan, Burma, the United States of Ame…oops.

    1. zhubajie

      Oh, the whole military tribunal system might have been copied from the PRC! Probably it'll become the norm for most of us and the old fashioned expensive system reserved for our super-richies.

        1. zhubajie

          Surprisingly, educated people in China really buy into the mythologyof American justice, honest government, etc. Tell them aboutcorruption or stolen elections and they are quite surprised. Thejudges now get real legal training; they are not just senior policemenanymore. Likewise, state prosecutors want to reduce the number ofdeath penalty crimes, the number of death penalties (by 40%, somesay).China is trying to get better; the US, I hate to say, is trying to get worse.

  19. Come here a minute

    I for one had a great March Madness — now I can't wait to see how well I do at ignoring the College World Series, too.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Be careful if you visit Omaha, NeBRAska. The surveyor's mark will be on you. Those people think that god takes his two-week vacation in Omaha during the CWS.

  20. neiltheblaze

    Shooting feral hogs from helicopters? Well, then – Haley Barbour better stay the hell out of Texas.

  21. V572..whatever

    Libtards just don't understand that some criminals are too scary to give fair trials to. Obama: keeping us "safe," so long as we're not accused of scary crimes. Cuz once you are there's no way to prove it wasn't you.

  22. Terry

    Ok, so the GOPers pulled a swifty and got language in that approps bill that says that the Gitmo prisoners can't be held on American soil. That supposedly made it so that no civilian trial can take place, although I have to believe there was a way around that. The GOPers get their way and the Gitmo prisoners are tried before military tribunals. Then what happens to them? Does the American soil exclusion extend to after they are convicted? Do they go back to Gitmo for the rest of their lives or the length of their terms if convicted? I don't understand what happens from here on out.

    1. Thunderclees

      There isn't a way around it. That's why Holder and Plouffe did a little happy dance once it passed.

      What happens from here out? The Obama Administration keeps steering toward the middle and wins in a landslide in 2012.

      1. Terry

        I don't have a problem with a bit of middle mixed in, depending on the subject, BUT these prisoners have been a damn national disgrace for years. Once convicted, and we can sort of assume that KSM will be convicted, do they go to a military prison?

        1. Thunderclees

          That's still unclear. The supermax prisons have been doing an awfully good job, and the "Blind Sheik" is being held just outside Raleigh in a medical prison. But Leavenworth could probably do the same job, too.

          The important thing is that we all don't have to think about this again for a while, and isn't that just the best?

  23. hollywooddood

    Gitmo, pshaw. Everybody knows we got our freedums back in the midterm elections.

  24. Mumbletypeg

    …Republicans want no detainees from Guantanamo Bay brought into the United States…. the administration has no intention of moving Guantanamo Bay detainees into a shuttered Illinois prison [originally] intended for Gitmo detainees to be housed

    Send them to Grayson County, VA. It appears to be removed enough from civilization, and we're pissing out money to maintain this vacant, useless facility anyways.

  25. freakishlywrong

    Republicans and their hypocritical hysteria about "Murican' Exsheptionalizm". Don't even trust our judicial system and a leading lawmaker refers to being in Congress as "being behind enemy lines" and calls the duly elected President a "gangster". Exceptional!".

    1. donner_froh

      I guess it isn't surprising that none of these assholes realize that every imperial power has been "exceptional" and created by god to rule the world. Alexander, Roman empire, Brits in the 19th century, etc. etc.

  26. donner_froh

    This is why we need indefinite detention camps, rape prisons and military comedy courts — if we don’t suspend habeas corpus, the terrorists will steal all of our precious freedums.

    Real men don't need the rule of law–our deep fried lard on a stick is good enough for us.

  27. tcaalaw

    An ambitious bill which would allow hicks to use helicopters to kill feral hogs and wolves is making its way through the Texas legislature

    What's the over-under before the first helicopter hunting party "accidentally" bags a swarthy person standing too close to the U.S./Mexico border?

  28. Troubledog

    Some college students won a basketball game. Other college students did not. Many students were disappointed by the outcome, others were not.

    – David Brooks

  29. MinAgain

    An ambitious bill which would allow hicks to use helicopters to kill feral hogs and wolves is making its way through the Texas legislature, yee-haw.

    Amateurs. In Tennessee, we already have a state constitutional right to hunt and fish. However, we're a little short on wolves.

  30. mavenmaven

    In our end-of-weimar Merka, kangaroo courts are where most of our wonkette comments will be ultimately reviewed.

  31. mumbly_ジョジョ

    So, yeah, super-pissed about this, since it makes Gitmo, -which let's remember, was only dreamed up to keep detainees off US soil so that Bush could justfiy torturing them without any reprecussion, on the argument that the Constitution doesn't apply to "war zone" camps right next door and thousands of miles away from any actual conflict zone- a pretty much permanent fixture of American "justice", forever.

  32. mumbly_ジョジョ

    More specifically, of course, I'm angry at congress for being full of so many literal fascists who consider all those "trial" and "burden of proof" and "no torture" elements of our justice system to be quaint and worthless- and not just in this case, but in an ever-expanding swiss cheese of "exceptions" and "special cases", and the Obama adminstration for lacking the stones to actually claim clear executive authority in a case where it clearly applies, even above and beyond Dubya's insane unitary executive claims. I mean, bloody hell, Bush vetoed a defense bill for hinting at suggesting a loose itinerary of our purposeless occupation in Iraq, you'd think Bam could have at least done this much when it came to closing our no-trial torture prisons.

    No snark here, just rage.

  33. NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    Open trials would expose too much!

    profiteers and parasites
    government criminals
    media criminals
    the 9/11 scam

  34. zhubajie

    How long before all those armed Texans in helos start shooting each other? Probably it's easier to find another helo than to find a boar hog in the brush.

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