shameless and yet totally uninteresting

Pawlenty Brags About Watching Male Athletic Snuff Porn To Seem Tough

You have no idea what he's done with that hand, sir. Or about to do.“When Tim Pawlenty wants to relax, he goes to hockeyfights.com.” Jeez, Pawlenty, stop measuring the drapes in the White House! You don’t have to be the most presidential presidential candidate ever. Yes, if you somehow thought Pawlenty was boring, depsite all those lens flares and jerky camera movements and the cyborg sound effects he makes in his videos, he wants you to know that he masturbates to collected clips of strapping men pulling off their clothes and beating each other to a bloody pulp. “You know, guy stuff! Masculinity!”

The just-out-of-office Minnesota governor confesses a love in his new book for “watching two guys, gloves down, helmets off, pounding each other while the ref stands back and lets it happen.”

FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP. (Haha, some Politico intern had to read a book written by the personification of the color beige.)

“Occasionally, if I really need a good mental break and I can’t get out on the ice for one of those old-timers’ games, I’ll sit at the computer when I’m home at night and pop over to hockeyfights.com to watch a few of the latest videos,” Pawlenty writes in “Courage to Stand,” which comes out Tuesday.

When he can’t “get out on the ice” and beat up defenseless elderly men he has to go huddle over the computer in the basement in the middle of the night and get his fix with the porn of that? This really does not seem like something he should be talking about.

He says he’ll call his wife, Mary, over when he sees a really exciting one.

“I know she has zero interest in watching those fists fly, but it’s interesting to me,” he adds.

T-Perv. “Meat-packing” indeed. [Ben Smith]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Comments

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  • Jukesgrrl

    Typical Republican. Doesn't value skill, strategy, or stamina. Only likes the shit-kicking. Faux or real — doesn't matter.

    • PsycWench

      And notice that the Republican himself is in no danger whatsoever…he's a tough guy by just being a spectator, apparently.

      • kissawookiee

        See: Rumsfeld, Donald; Cheney, Dick; Bush, Dubya.

    • http://www.fifthinternational.org/content/education-programme 4TheTurnstiles

      Especially not teamwork or leadership, because that's what is teh socialism.

  • BlueStateLibel

    You know that commercial about the "most interesting man in the world?" Pawlenty is his exact polar opposite. And even that doesn't make him interesting.

    • PublicLuxury

      Timmeh makes Old Spice After Shave an interesting diversion

    • Breitbart twink

      Least interesting man is the least interesting.

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/FlipOffResearch FlipOffResearch

      Hmm, you just might have something there.

  • PublicLuxury

    Well, who doesn't? Everybody loves to watch young adults beat on each other with sticks, fists and sharp skates.

    • Radio_______

      I try and teach my kids to solve all problems and frustrations with their fists. I mean this is a mature and sensible way to go through life. Right? Right? I'll hit you with so many rights you'll beg for a left.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Yes, but they're big hairy MEN. Suddenly my women's pro wrestling fetish seems a lot more presidential.

  • DownFist Troll

    Tim Pawlenty wants to be the new Don cherry. Only not as stylish or drunk.

  • Neoyorquino

    Little known fact — he's actually patterning himself in the likeness of a rough and tough two-fisted marine: http://johnshore.com/2011/03/15/tim-pawlenty-and-

    • Radio_______

      So what are you saying, he sings like Pavarotti?

      • BerkeleyBear

        Or that he's so deep in the closet that even when he comes out no one will believe him/care?

  • Come here a minute

    Pawlenty begs his wife to get into the man-on-man action with him, but she's just not into it.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      She won't strap on the faux richard for a little fencing?

      • Come here a minute

        Not even the Rocket Richard.

        • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

          Maybe she wants a Boom Boom from Geoffrion?

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        The teenie weenie, has heisted SorosBot's avatar. Downcha just love it. Hey, more page views 2 more centavos for Ken to split with the staff.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Well, since here getting involved would still leave them at least one man short, I can understand why. Given what he's already said, I'm guessing he's gonna pull a McCain and offer her up as Miss Buffalo Chip 2012 at Sturgis.

  • PublicLuxury

    Republicans LOVE violence. When they can't get a good hockey fight going, they bomb the shit out of some defenseless third world country. It's the republican way, Second Amendment remedies. Indeed.

    • unclejeems

      Well, as long as they themselves, you know, don't have to go. After all Big Dick Cheney, the meanest bull in the pit, had other things to do when Vietnam was on. Dick and his buddies let wienies like John Kerry get shot at by the little brown people, and then laughed at those honkin losers when they got home.

    • Swampgas_Man

      So what's Obomba's excuse? Tobacco withdrawl?

  • SayItWithWookies

    "I grew up in a blue collar town, a meat-packing town…"

    South St. Paul? City of big shoulders? Hog butcher to the world? That South St. Paul?

    • PublicLuxury

      Meat-packing? Is that what they call it now?

    • Radio_______

      I thought it was gritty South St. Paul — tough guy.

  • BZ1

    "You can learn a lot from hockey fights… …with some hard knocks along the way…" presumably to the head.

  • OkieDokieDog

    Ewww. T-Paw likes to watch the sweaty mens with their macho fist-i-cuffs. Even G-Dubya liked to watch the girls play softball.

  • DownFist Troll

    In an effort to not be outdone by president T-Paw in the masculinity depart, Lindsey Graham announced his fondness for nude Greco-Roman man-wrestling.

  • smokefilledroommate

    Perhaps he'd like to meet a cousin of mine, Ed Hospodar, for a real life fists-on tutorial.

    • PuckStopsHere

      I could look it up I suppose, but Hospodar was a Broad St Bully was he not?

      • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

        Yeah he was a goon, played for Phillie among others, always surprised that these guys can skate, because they sure can't play hockey.

        • smokefilledroommate

          Yep, he played for "Phillie" back in the day [yes, among other teams] and actually did score some goals in his career. You can call him a goon, but he served a purpose as a defenseman plain and simple. He'd probably enforce you to eat shit.

          • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

            You're probably right, I can't skate but I still would rather watch guys play than fight.
            Edit :Strike "probably "you're definitely right, he would beat me to a pulp lol.

  • Mahousu

    Tim Pawlenty is the ideal candidate for those who find Mitt Romney a little too raw and authentic.

    • SorosBot

      And sadly, those two are the only likely GOP candidates who are not totally bugfuck insane.

  • EdFlintstone

    Timmy was disappointed when he went to hockeyfights.com and he saw that they pull each others jerseys over their heads rather than their pants down.

  • DemonicRage

    What else is part of the ritual? Does he change into sweats, freeballing, so he can rub his crotch as the surrogates on the computer screen punch one another? This has to be explored in greater depth. This is so important, in choosing the next occupant of The White House. America demands to know.

    • tessiee

      "Does he change into sweats, freeballing"

      You know, I usually *like* to learn new words…

    • magnetite

      Just a cup and a hungry expression.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Noooooooo, America does not demand to know!!!

      Well, this American anyway.

  • LibrulEleet

    I'm watching a couple of hockey players punch each other right now, but I can't tell whether it's a fight or just a squirmish.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Timmy is hoping for a squirmish. At least, he feels all squirmish.

  • Tommmcattt

    I watch a lot of movies that have guys pounding each other in them too.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Some ASSHOLE, who should be eating the Kraft macaroni dinner his mommy boiled for him then fapping to a photo of Michele Bachmann, put Tommmcattt's p down to 0. C'mon, Wonkeratti, do your part to get him out of the litterbox.

      • Tommmcattt

        Lol, it is ok. Let him get his pathetic jollies.

        Besides, I like the litterbox. I get my best work done here.

        • tessiee

          "I like the litterbox. I get my best work done here."

          So, you like to think *inside* the box.

      • tessiee

        Ironically, I just had Kraft Velveeta [tm] shells 'n' cheez for lunch today.

        • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

          It's not comfort food if your pants are already too tight. I just hate having to suck it in to button them in the morning.

          • tessiee

            *chuh!*
            TELL me about it!

  • Sue4466

    "The just-out-of-office governor" is trying overly hard to avoid the word "former."

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Or the word "loser." He thought he was in the saddle for VP under McCain until our Panamanian friend reached further down into the cesspool and chose the Wasilla Witch, which pissed Pawlenty off plenty. After two terms (and one large bridge collapse) as Minnesota gov he decided not to run again and he now wants to choose his running mate–no more of this bridesmaid shit. Pawlenty and Haley Barbour in 2012! Maybe by that time Haley will have his sex change operation.

  • mavenmaven

    Another instance where O'Reilly comes off as saner than his guest. Terrifying.

  • MinAgain

    watching two guys, gloves down, helmets off, pounding each other while the ref stands back and lets it happen

    I believe that's the technical definition of "barebacking".

  • Barbara_i

    Figures, he's pretty much an ass hat trick.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Puck-it T-PAW, just puck-it

  • Goonemeritus

    You know what he really watches when he thinks he's alone Curling.

    • MinAgain

      Pervert.

      • DashboardBuddha

        Seriously…and this dude is allowed around children?!

      • Amo_of_Bogio

        All that sweeping and the plaintive cry of "hurry hard, hurry hard"… no wonder he gets off on it.

  • aguacatero

    His handlers have obviously impressed upon T-Paw that being deemed a buffoon and a laughingstock is far better than being deemed simply unremarkable, and our politics and culture would seem to bear his handlers out. See, e.g., Trump, Gingrich, Palin, Bachmann, Beck, etc etc

    • Goonemeritus

      It's hard to be King Hobo you need to make an impression on a bunch of guys whose brains have been addled by drink battery acid. If you are not the same kind of crazy they can't relate.

  • Troubledog

    If you want attention that badly, the most reliable recipe is to get breast implants and start having sex with much younger men.

    • undeterredbyreality

      Yeah, but that only works for wome—oh. Nevermind.

    • tessiee

      Can I have sex with much younger men even though I'm not running for office?

      • Troubledog

        Only if you are Margaret Thatcher.

  • glamourdammerung

    Any collapsing bridges in his action movie trailers?

  • Weenus299

    He "kicked a little ass" in his game against a middle school girls team the other day. Was feeling hot.

  • JackDempsey1

    So, when Pawlenty makes a reference to HNIC, he's talking about Hockey Night in Canada, and not Barack?

    • Beetagger

      You win the Willie O'Ree sensitivity award.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Yeah! Sure! Yeah, that's right. Like you said. Yup.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    This is all old news. Now that Pawlenty is getting serious about the Republican campaign, he has gotten into something much…., darker.

    • fuflans

      oh you sexy tease you.

    • zhubajie

      Pro-wrestling? In Japan?

    • Boojum_Reborn

      Is this another Obama reference?

    • Negropolis

      Witchcraft? Adultery? Murder? Must we choose?

      It'd be irresponsible not to speculate.

  • dyedwool

    WOW, if this excerpt is just a tasty, teaser for what to expect from the whole of the roman a clef, I, for one, cannot WAIT to read the rest of "Courage to Bland"! Which is to say I'd sooner have Dick Cheney remove my eyesight on a hunting trip…accidentally, of course.

  • Gorillionaire

    As usual The Politico article totally left out Pawlenty's concluding remarks which were "You know what else is pretty relaxing? Masturbating. Pretty relaxing."

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      Always makes me fall asleep.

  • Rod_Torfulson

    Republicans seem hellbent on cornering the market on homoeroticism and/or latent homosexuality.

    • PublicLuxury

      We're number 1. YAY. USA USA USA USA

    • SorosBot

      Well Pawlenty has made jokes about how his wife doesn't want to sleep with him…

    • ChessieNefercat

      Or not so latent.

  • J Rbt. Oppenheiner

    Homo says what?

  • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

    When he needs a mental break? From what? Being an unemployed sack that's not interesting enough to be defined an asshole?

  • tessiee

    What has he got against all those innocent teeth?

  • PublicLuxury

    Good point

  • tribbzthesquidz

    Two Girls, World Cup

    • Crank_Tango

      or Stanley…

    • Boojum_Reborn

      I read this as "Two Girls, One Cup." It was more competitively weird that way.

  • DashboardBuddha

    Here Tim…This one's on the house. Just don't replace Hail to the Chief with it, or you'll owe Zevon's estate an assload of money.

    • waitforsugar

      I think if this dull-ass moron ever got into office, he'd have enough lawyers, guns and money to fend off Zevon's estate.

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      Never heard that one but I've always liked Zevon, good to hear Letterman in there.

  • metamarcisf

    Replacing Nixon's basement bowling alley with a hockey rink will be a priority.

  • pinkocommi

    Funny… I would have taken him for an avid CSPAN viewer.

  • tribbzthesquidz

    I thought real conservatives beat off to hobofights.com or some such.

  • bumfug

    "Smithers, are you sure talking about watching hockey fights will make people forget that I look like I'm being played by Paul Reubens?"

  • fuflans

    tim tim tim hold on to that Y chromosome stuff for a later date!!! the crazy X's haven't declared yet!!

    dude you are SO going to need that junk and there are like 19 months to go!!!

    (there is clearly an upcoming tarantino moving in the republican primaries. also, i just made myself v v sad calculating 19 months.)

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    I bet Timmy's wife spanks him nightly and not in the nice way.

    • SorosBot

      I bet Timmy's wife spanks her boytoy and not Timmy nightly.

  • user-of-owls

    Ever see some amateur actor just completely blank their lines and blubber on helplessly while the audience cringes and looks at their feet?

    This is that guy. Now it's just embarrassing for everyone.

  • _DA

    “watching two guys, gloves down, helmets off, pounding each other while the ref stands back and lets it happen.”

    How can you write that in a non-ironic way in what I assume is not a gay erotica novel, and not immediately stab the Backspace key?

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    "Timmy, do you like gladiator movies?"

    • ChessieNefercat

      Awesome.

  • Pragmatist2

    What else he could he brag about? Seriously.

  • PuckStopsHere

    The avatar is actually me and here's what I want. I want somebody arrange to get this son-of-a-bitch on the ice with me at the over-40 some morning, okay? I will put that stick of mine right in his mouth or I will use it to slash him in the nuts and we'll see how much he likes fucking hockey fucking fights dot com then. I'll bet he's a cherry-picking pussy who doesn't come back on defense and–if he happens to get caught in the defensive zone–lifts his leg instead of blocking the shot. What a donkey.

    • Jukesgrrl

      I hope your wish comes true. And someone is there to videotape it.

      • emmelemm

        Motion seconded. All in favor?

        • unclejeems

          Aye.

    • bflrtsplk

      It now calls itself Microphallus. Finally, a troll who speaks the truth.

      • Swampgas_Man

        Yeah, I was surprised when I saw him following me, too.

    • glamourdammerung

      My agreement with this depends on your feelings about whether or not you would stop hitting T-Pawwy-Dawg with the stick once they rolled over and urinated themselves.

  • Doktor Zoom

    I went to the fights the other night, and a hockey game broke out! –RD (R.I.P)

    • smokefilledroommate

      And sadly, Pawlenty went to some stupid website and a 'masculine' bid for President broke out..

  • obfuscator2

    so a white male republican likes watching hot man-on-man action on the internet? color me shocked.

  • Crank_Tango

    Poor T-Paw. He wanted to make himself sounds all tough and manly, and outed himself in the process.

    Hit the showers Timmy, [slaps ass] good game!

  • Schoprah

    I'm pretty sure Pawlenty was the name of the Pound Puppy sheriff. This man will never be president.

  • Beowoof

    As a former hockey player, I can only say typical pussy, watching other guys fight and feeling tough vicariously does not make you tough.

  • XOhioan

    I haven't felt this excited since the "Joementum."
    However, the United States of American will never have a president named "Tim."
    I don't care if he shoots lasers out of his eyes and has a barbed prehensile penis…his name is "Tim."

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      I don't think so Tim. What a slogan.

      • XOhioan

        Tim wants a big-boy job!

  • Warpde

    Why is Tim Pawlenty watching the National sport from a Socialist country.
    What with all their Universal Health care and Multiculturalism.
    Does he watch the CBC? Is he hiding something?
    You may want to see his BC.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Whenever I'm bored I try to preserve some time in my busy schedule for logging onto MunicipalBridgeCollapse.com while the invisible hand of the market prods my prostate for a while.

  • glamourdammerung

    What is it with conservatives and enjoying fights as long as they are not the ones in those fights?

    • ChessieNefercat

      What is it with conservatives and enjoying fights as long as they are not the ones in those fights?

      Short answer, cowardice.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    I'm looking forward to criticizing him for taking five minutes to fill out his Frozen Four bracket.

  • zhubajie

    I was wondering how many of our favorite pols were watching WrestleMania this week-end or would claim they were. T Paw passed up his chance, I guess.

  • mherls

    No one has mentioned the site has videos of MINOR CHILDREN beating each other up. http://www.hockeyfights.com/videos/juniors/ Junior hockey leagues consist of players between the ages of 15 and 20. Does he watch and/or condone the videos of underage violence?

  • zappadoo76

    What does Wonkette have against Tim Pawlenty? Whut did he ay-ver dew to yew?

  • SorosBot

    Now, not to disparage hockey fans, but at least in the Northeast a lot of white people got into hockey because too many of "those people" were players in baseball, football and especially basketball.

    • BerkeleyBear

      I thought that was why lacrosse suddenly became more than a prep school sport.

      Funny thing is, "those people" are now playing hockey too – and pretty darn well.

  • Fare la Volpe

    And he wonders why his wife won't sleep with him.

    • ChessieNefercat

      I don't.

  • El Pinche

    im drukn. downfi -st

    • Radio_______

      Bottoms Up!

      Butt, Upfisting is better.

      • El Pinche

        Ahhh the strategically placed "butt"….a product of state education.

  • Negropolis

    How is this different than bumfights? Well, despite the fiscal difference in the participants? If Obama would admit to liking bumfights, he'd be labeled a savage, well, more than he already is labeled as such.

    Bless his heart. He's trying so hard. I want you guys to always keep in your heads that this is the party that was founded to stop the expansion of slavery.

  • El Pinche

    Tim Pawlenty…what a pussyfart. This dopey fucker will be the last one standing after the parade of hillbillies. And conservatives, baggers, GOpers will be forced to love and praise this collosal failure. Hahahaha….and I'm going watch it all through those Wonkette glasses.

    Instead of Black Eyed Peas, I think Wutang should do Obama's campaign songs…"Shittin in Paw's Mouth" , "Brain'd a Honkey on the Way to the Inauguration" "Chicago Gambino Nigga Beatdown"

  • Radio_______

    Anybody who has to say their wife is "hot", they "like fistfights", they come from a "gritty" suburb, they despise "crony capitalism," and don a fake Yosemite Sam dialect is obviously none of the above.

  • Boojum_Reborn

    Next up from Pawlenty: "It makes sense to me; does it to you?"

  • poncho_pilot

    T-Paw is so bland he makes Mittens look like Charlie Sheen.

  • neiltheblaze

    Don't worry Tim. By 2016 the Republican electorate may start to glom onto the fact that "batshit crazy" loses National Elections and they may be in the mood for "beige".

  • abelilnkinverb

    Saying this as much as I hate Tpaw, I live in WI and we're practically Canadian and we do love us some hockey and toothless grown men beating the hell out each-other. I think it is a natural response to 5 months of winter.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Hey, I like to watch a Gordie Howe hat trick as much as the next guy, but just watching the fights is like watching nothing but money shots on an endless loop – at some point, a normal person wants some context.

  • not that Dewey

    We're gonna need another Timmy.

  • bflrtsplk

    Does T-Paw's paw slide down for some intimacy when two hockey sockers get rockin'?

  • mereoblivion

    Courage To Grandstand.

  • mereoblivion

    Totally O/T, but can we please–oh, pretty please–have us some live-bloggin' of Biden's bullshit at Broderfest (aka, Solemn Memorial to America's Solemnest Columnist) today? I am so sure some deathless rhetoric is in the offing there.

  • BerkeleyBear

    If he'd said he watched goalie fights then I'd like him a little. Those are epic. If I want to see two toothless idiots clutch and pull and punch each other, though, there are plenty of bars in my area.

  • pbrex

    Looks like T-Paw and I have something in common! In that case I can recommend some fine Czech "documentaries" that really explore the concept of two dudes going at it.

  • tcaalaw

    The just-out-of-office Minnesota governor confesses a love in his new book for “watching two guys, gloves down, helmets off, pounding each other while the ref stands back and lets it happen.”

    Wow, that's not even subtle with the homoeroticism, is it?

  • Ducksworthy

    I think a slap shot to the mouth would enhance Timmies chances and would make the Koch sucking so much more comfortable for the Kochs.

  • lulzmonger

    FAIL. Teh Base are waaaaaaaaay past hockey fights by now, T-Pud.

    Faces Of Death or GTFO.

  • ChessieNefercat

    Ooh, microphallus (English: tinydick, you moron) put down his magnifying mirror and is out and about!

    I upfisted as many as I could, but I better get back to work.

  • ttommyunger

    Counting down now to his next video of him astraddle a Harley. Got to check that box, Timmy. Just remember how much good that did for John Kerry and soon to be ex-governor Walker…. These wannabee pussyfarts make me want to puke.