Since the Legendary Days of Horrors Past when our SPY magazine would arrive by postal mail with yet another vicious attack on short-fingered vulgarian Donald Trump, people have wondered about the uncouth troglodyte’s horrible hairpiece thing hanging over his neanderthal forehead and beady eyes. Now, perhaps, the mystery is solved: The Donald is either building a tower of comb-over strands as cheap and ugly as his awful buildings, or he’s got a wood-grain scalp tattoo.
During his thirty years on the public stage, Donald Trump has been a living embodiment of the old chestnut, “Money can’t buy class.” His buildings look like something a 1970s Saudi playboy would design, or the architectural equivalent of a 16-year-old finding a bag of money and blowing it all on a metal-flake gold 1981 Pontiac Firebird. None of his various wives would look out of place in a miniskirt outside a truck stop on the Czech-German border. And his suits look like something you’d see in a Century 21 real estate office about fifteen years ago. The man defines “tacky.”
This is a guy who has defaulted on hundreds of millions of dollars of loans, a fly-by-night scam artist who skims enough off the top to keep himself in giant gemstone pinky rings and, we assume, rotating mattresses with gold-flecked mirrors on the ceiling. Imagine Elvis Presley with no talent, no looks and even less taste — that’s Donald Trump, a junk-bond gnome so gauche that he makes the cast of Jersey Shore seem genteel.
The hair-thing is just another problem entirely. You would think he could buy better hair, but that would imply he knows what better hair might look like. Whatever, that criss-cross thatch flop of dyed-orange strands has become a trademark of sorts — the better to avoid those beady red eyes — so who cares if it’s actually a wood-grain scalp tattoo semi-covered in a lattice of brittle, old-man’s dyed-orange hair? WHO CARES AT LEAST HE ISN’T BLACK!!!! [Vanity Fair]
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I gather from this essay that you don't have warm positive feelings for Mr. Trump?
The ladies adore Donald's hair because he pays them to adore it.
Adore or Abhor?
What's it when a whore adores?
hodoes? I got nothin'
They adore his hair because no matter what sort of football helmet shaped pile of bleached blonde cotton candy they have varnished up on top of their heads, they will always look better. That, and he pays the bills.
I hate Donald Trump so much that my snark broke.
We are offering a special on Snark Tune & Adjustment. But we have to keep it over night. Can you get a snide home?
So you're saying that Obama is in fact a Scientologist alien breaking down the world economy for a socialist interplanetary takeover?
'Cause that's totally what I read when I look at Trump's hair.
“Money can’t buy class.”
But my daddy's $400 million can certainly help.
Am I the only old who remembers Tiny Elvis? Trump always reminds me of him when he talks about how HUGE his ______ project will be.
YOOOOOGE.
Or as they said to Marlon Brando, "One day you'll be bigger than Orson Welles."
He should try some stain. Minwax would "spruce" it up.
"None of his various wives would look out of place in a miniskirt outside a truck stop on the Czech-German border. "
That's where he found them.
Beautiful image that.
I say we fire up the Winnebago!
"that’s Donald Trump, a junk-bond gnome so gauche that he makes the cast of Jersey Shore seem genteel."
Snooki/Trump 2012
Usually, the vapid, babbling whore lady gets stuck in the VP spot. Just sayin'.
But with Trump and Snookie, which one would that be?
Vanity, thy name is Trump.
Charity, you are just a trollup.
But by his own account he's a very smart guy, so we must all be wrong about his hair. Because only a stupid person would go around looking like that.
Only a very smart man can go bankrupt running casinos.
He's a fuckin genius I tell ya, a genius!
By his own account, he also has a lot of class. I know I think "class" every time I see a grand piano in a building lobby.
When you think about all the stuff we've been wrong about, it boggles the mind.
I weep at your mention of Spy. RIP with Jesus, you sweet, sweet magazine. In a brief memoriam:
Sam Lefrak + (1/2 Sally Kirkland x Al Sharpton) = Donald Trump
Old billboard on the Long Island Expressway:
"If you lived here, you'd be home already."
Sam Lefrak
True that. SPY made the 80s almost bearable: didn't the Donald threaten to sue them when one of the editors joked that if Trump Airlines (yes, children, there was such a thing) offered the magazine as inflight reading, they would stop making fun of him?
I like to think that Wonkette is the internet snark-spawn of SPY.
*sniff*
More like Suck.com, the wreckage of which from whence Original Wonkette AMC emerged. Much the same spirit.
No, more like Spy! I liked Suck.com, especially "Filler" and the "Tim Cavanaugh solo" period, but that was just another San Francisco website from a time when I was also toiling for San Francisco websites.
SPY was a magic message in a bottle. Much like National Lampoon in the late '70s/very early '80s, when I read SPY it just astounded me that people were getting paid to do that stuff.
Let's do a new Celebrity Math for the Donald:
(Carrot Top * Oliver Warbucks ) – Dalai Lama ≅ Donald Trump
I'd say The Onion is; although it was (and is) actually a print paper back before the internet was really a thing, but only in the Midwest. My town just started getting the print Onion about a month ago; it's nice to see it for the first time since college.
I'd give that particular crown to Gawker.
Maybe Gawker five years ago. There are still a couple of witty writers at Gawker (Newell, etc.!), but it's mostly mass-market celebrity swill these days. And it is still in business and apparently profitable seven years after it started … SPY lasted from '86 to '94, but it basically vanished after about 1991 and limped along those last years without the original editors or publishers.
Lowbrow sells.
Relive the glory days at Google Books!:
http://books.google.com/books/serial/ISSN:0890175…
"It's a piece of garbage" –Donald Trump
I'll take "Presidential Wannabes With Bizarre Cosmetic Facial Tattoos" for $800, Alex.
Its the "Daily Double"!!!
"What is the sound a doggy makes"
Alex: Nooooooo. The correct response is 'Trump's skull is made of which hardwood?"
"This former Alaska Governor-turned-VP Candidate-turned-Grifter has this facial feature tattooed."
What, is Mike Tyson running now, too?
Um… Who is Mike Tyson?
Old English, its not just for furniture anymore. I guess Trump goes to a seamstress and not a stylist.
I always assumed that as a good Republican, his hair piece was made out of:
a) petrochemicals (drill baby drill)
or
b) The remains of young third world kids who gave their lives in some swimsuit factory run for the benefit of one of his wives.
That, or, again as a good Republican, it is simply his manifestation of the contract he signed with the Devil for his power. I mean, even with his money, how the hell else can you explain how this man has had sex in his life?
"I mean, even with his money, how the hell else can you explain how this man has had sex in his life?"
He does have two (or more) hands. Does that count?
Czech mates.
Sorry, I've been sick.
Our downfister wants to suck The Donald.
And is now named microphallus.
He's also changed his avatar again, to um, mine. Since I don't think he's a Transformers fan it's feeling a bit creepy.
He's usually satisfied with simply finger banging the rest of us. Looks like he actually wants to BE you, sorosbot.
Seriously creepy.
I noticed that, sorry my love..
looks like "rich corinthian leather" to me. and that stuff is THE classiest of all the leathers.
BOSS! The Hair! The Hair!
That hair looks foreign to me. I demand to see it's long form birth certificate! Or a reasonable facsimile that is equally fictitious!
So Ken. Tell us how you really feel. And also show us where on the doll the nasty man touched you.
"The Doll" is America and "the nasty man" is Donald Trump and "you" is New York, along with other high-land-value areas ripe for real estate speculation.
I FUCKING HATE UGLY BUILDINGS.
Needs moar stucco.
Trump buildings have the Queens version of stucco: fake gold trim.
Come spring, the yellow-bellied Trumpsucker carefully collects nesting materials in the hopes that it will attract a mate. Bit by bit, each piece of string or tuft of cotton is gently placed upon the balding pate. Finally, when the nest is complete, the Trumpsucker lets loose with it's distinctive mating cry : yoor-faard yoor-faard yoor-faard.
That is soo visual. Really.
Mommie, it hurts.
Even you have to admit that was a long way home.
Just consider yourself lucky that I didn't include the description of the mating dance.
this is very very good.
The jokes you couldn't hear on the Comedy Central Roast pt II.
I can't believe Donald Chump can't afford GLH hair paint:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GeF7A05zQ8
As the mullet-sporting gentlemen says, "The babes are back!"
I always thought he was a blockhead.
It looks like that comb-over was done by a drunken, one-legged, midget on a stepladder.
well there is no proof that it wasn't.
And you guys say women are vain.
Vanity is worrying about your own hair. Spitefulness is mocking a guy with shittier hair than your own. This is the latter, and speaking as a fellow with fairly lousy hair, it feels really good.
Good point. I'm just amazed that this guy with his money (or what's left of it), resorts to this…and yet most rich white guys of his set couldn't really give a crap about their hair, refuse to be bothered with dying the gray, and then we have… Donald Trump, utterly defying everything I've observed about men and their hair (and sanity).
Worst.
Trump. Tramp. Stamp. Ever.Ken,
That teacher's kid thing-y is showing.
Hugs,
PublicLuxury
Oh no, is this a thing now? "Teacher's kid." Is that from a Ke$ha record or something?
In the America where *I* grew up, we spoke of "the preacher's kid" — a trampy girl everybody lusted after, because she was not nearly trampy enough.
You eye fucked the hotties in church! That's nasty.
As another teacher's kid, I likewise did not realize it was a thing. But the wingnuts shitting on and demeaning teachers does piss me off.
WOW. You guys are touchy… This is Wonkette, right?
I just never thought of teachers as people who had kids … aren't they supposed to be spinster ladies who aren't allowed to be seen hanging around the soda fountain or talking to men?
More than touchy, it seemed to have come out of nowhere, and quite frankly, it's not funny because it doesn't smack of joking. You can call it joke, but unless you can convey that, you've lost.
So, why don't you take your talents and put them into something funnier following Layne around making these personal "jokes"?
His high school days at New York Military Academy permanently scared his dome you try wearing a shako for four years and see how you look.
That photo makes me fear aging. He looks like wrinkled pork lunchmeat.
Just kill me now.
Fear not, cool cat, and keep your remaining eight lives. I have male relatives in their 80s who look better than the Trumpster. Aging is nothing to fear, although karma may be. I would, however, suggest you stay away from that horrible orange hair dye that Trump and Reagan both used for some unfathomable reason.
Whatever pain my own vanity may cause me over inexorable hair loss, I can take solace in the fact that I'm not Donald Trump. Money can't buy dignity.
All it really needs is a faux marble frame and some gold leaf insets of hot naked babes. With little wings, like angelic cherubs. And enormous hooters.
See Donald. See Donald run. Run. Run. Run. See Sally. See Sally hop. Hop. Hop. Hop. See Puff. See Puff lick dick. Lick. Lick. Lick. See Spot. See spot bite dick. Bite. Bite. Bite.
hahahaha troll, here is another comment for you to fist.
again, I fucking love the idea of you sitting in your underwater trailer somewhere, refreshing wonkette posts constantly. It's like hell, only you chose it.
keep fucking that chicken!
Don't forget that Wonkette makes its income by *page views.*
win-winning!
Plus this:
Wonkette admins seem pretty scared that a couple of conservative posters are going to beat them up.
Oh, they like us is all. When they get a little older it'll be different.
And don't forget "Jared Loughner is just a fall-guy.
High Democrat officials orchestrated the shooting in order to gain sympathy for their cause" Teabagger/ psycho.
She just checked in on me again. Why I don't know. I lost my sense of humor last year and I just lurk here now. Could she be just sitting there for like hours and hours pounding hundreds of people or is she a double agent working to give Ken the views? I want extra pee points for this and a diet coke and the window seat and all her cigs and if I end up on TV I want a SAG contract Mr.Breitbart.
Makes me wonder if it might be fun to troll some conservatard websites……but wait! I'd have to wade through their mindless, paranoid bullshit and Koch-Sponsored talking points….Nevermind!
It's desicated two month old angel hair pasta.
There is nothing angelic about that thing.
If he let himself go bald he would look like a dick head.
I never pass up an opportunity to post this:
http://www.viperalley.com/gallery/data/500/Pictur…
It's like a hairnet made of hair. My mind is blown.
you win the internet with this:
"Donald Trump, a junk-bond gnome so gauche that he makes the cast of Jersey Shore seem genteel"
Lots of that is schtick, though, to give people the wholly false impression that Trump is self-made (financially, that is; obviously he is indeed sui generis as an icon of bad taste).
Confidential message to Ken, who by reading this hereby agrees to gimme my 10%:
Ken Layne Insult Generator ™ software would find a market.
and i would buy it.
I would buy it and I would use it. A lot.
Either that, or he has shiny metal spiders living inside his ears and twice a week they come out to spin gold plated cobwebs all over his head.
Who cares about the hair, Donald Trump is revealing deep truths about the ability of the American public to support obvious bullshit for no apparent reason whatsoever!
Correction "ability of the American public to support obvious bullshit for no apparent reason whatsoever, other than it's Caucasian"
There's anything left to reveal?
Well the American media; I haven't seen any evidence that the public has been taking his talk of running for President seriously.
personally, I think it is fiberglass.
Wouldn't fiberglass itch the amoral bastard? I am actually hoping it's asbestos hair
Donald Stump.
Shit! The Czech/German border was mined when I was there. Now, it seems the mines have been replaced with Women of Negotiable Value.
Peace dividend.
1. Tattoo wood grain design onto scalp.
2. Grow 5 remaining strands extra long, pointing hither and yon.
3. ?????
4. Profit!!!
5. Buy new, artificially enhanced, glorified, legitimized call-girl wife every 3 to 4 years.
6. WIN!
So Donald, we "fixed" the hair problem. Now if we could only do something about the wrinkles, the squinty eyes, and breath that would put a used turtle aquarium to shame.
you posted this three minutes ago, and already a downfistie. click click click click. shut up maw I'm doing god's work here in the internet, making libs' heads asplode!
Something tells me the downfisters life makes the movie Happiness look like Leave it to Beaver.
I'm sure his name tomorrow will be "it puts the lotion on"
That second paragraph should be the new bible.
I suppose if the drapes are wood than the carpet must be a shag.
ew ew ew ew ew e w ew!!!! Must. Bleach. Insides. Of. Eyelids.
I am willing to donate my personal protein elixir to The Donald's pate. For the
teamtroops!The Donald's hair is pissing on entropy. Eventually, entropy will have her revenge and it will not be a pretty sight – chaotic even.
I love it when you get stochastic!
I do love stochastic processes, especially when I get to tell an linear thinking engineer that they got one. Ooooooh, they hate that when you tell them it's a crap shoot.
Are we sure this isn't just one of those trees in Pakistan covered in spiderwebs?
http://www.wired.co.uk/news/archive/2011-03/30/pa…
*Ack* *Kaff*
Hairball.
OT But FINALLY Actors Equity is rallying the troops , so I can get all crazy and start yellng shit against Teabaggers.
We Are One Rally
New York City
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Dear AEA Members and EMCs:
Actors' Equity Association stands in support of the right of all workers to collectively bargain and to be represented by a Union in that bargaining. These are basic rights for all workers and should be maintained. The Public Sector workers in Wisconsin became the front line in the growing attack on union workers. Wisconsin has long been a bastion for workers' rights and was the birthplace of the national union representing all non-federal public employees.
The battle for workers' rights is rapidly spreading from state to state. Now it's our turn in New York City!
Please join your fellow AEA members and other union members at this event:
WHEN: Saturday, April 9, 2011
12 Noon to 1:30 PM*
WHERE: At 11:30 AM, we will assemble in the Council Room, 14th Floor,
165 West 46th Street. Note: ID Required for building entry.
Shortly before 12 Noon, will we walk over to the rally
At 42nd Street and 7th Avenue (Times Square)
If you can't meet us at 11:30 am, come to the rally and look for the AEA signs.
* While the rally may run longer, AEA will officially be there until 1:30 pm.
If you have a matinee or other commitment, please join us for any amount of time that you can.
More Info:
Check for updates at http://www.actorsequity.org
And this rally will get just as much media attention as last week's protest by several dozen teabaggers. Right?
Well, it depends who shows up, we do have famous types in our union, they are not all bums and stiffs like me.
Bums? Stiff? *sigh* Do me a favor you sex kitty, write a few lines of the Magna Carta because I'm certain I will see a double entendre in anything you say.
John, by the grace of God, king of England, lord of Ireland, duke of Normandy and Aquitaine, and count of Anjou, to the archbishops, bishops, abbots, earls, barons, justiciars, foresters, sheriffs, stewards…
Hubba hubba!
All I recall of the Magna Carta is that is was signed in 1215 and I only remember that because I had a teacher who said “The Magna Carta was signed just after lunch…12.15″ and I have never forgotten that. Lizzie
huh. and here i was just about to quit equity. and here they go and do something useful for once.
dammit.
Amazing isn't it? I just wish all of our unons would merge, like British Equity, AFTRA is the lamest union ever
I'll see you there Lizzie. Unless it's raining . I melt in the rain :(
The phrase "embodiment of the old chestnut" is an apt description of not only the Donald's wood-grain pate treatment as well as his smarts.
Look people, Donanld Trump really isn't all that smart.
It's his "hair" that's brilliant.
The comb-over-shaped, psychic parasite's, brain-penetrating tendrils are keeping him alive by feeding him nutrients and monies.
So I had this dream that Obama was named Pope, joined the TSA and put Trump in charge of starting new wars. That was the dream.
The nightmare was that Ken posted about it.
Well, hell, Mr. Layne, that is quite clearly a 1973 Formula Firebird, not the gutless 1981 model. Honestly. How can I believe anything I read here again? Wonkette, the news outlet you are “editor” for is horrible, do you think that is serving a point?? This entire blog can be shipped to Afghanistan, no one has lost any
10,000 P points for you!
Also, I think that Firebird pic is a screen cap from the '70s feathered hair cop show, "CHiPs."
SPY was fab. Imagine the sensibilities of Punch, Spitting Image, a facetious Hello magazine and mix it together with a particular hatred of everything Trump. (They also seemed to pick on Canada a lot, but maybe that's 'cause I lived there).
Sounds great. This is my favourite of all time, especially when Thatcher was PM.http://www.private-eye.co.uk/
And then they refuse to support "taxing the rich" under the absurd delusion that someday, they might BE rich.
Fat chance, assholes.
That never ceases to amaze me. If you're poor your whole life and suddenly become magically rich (for the sake of argument, let's say it happens to annually to 12 out of every 230 million people), shouldn't you be so thrilled with your windfall that you would happily pay your fair share to the government to help all the other schlubs have one extra dollar, so they might join you in lottery heaven? Why does paying taxes graciously not have the cache of Elvis handing out $500 tips?
I KNOW, RIGHT?
Fire up the Rantron-3000:
First off, what the fuck ever happened to noblesse oblige? I mean, it was always a poor substitute for a real social safety net, but it was better than nothing. Now we're pretty much getting robber baron "fuck you" at every turn.
Here in Washington state, they tried to put an income tax ONLY on people earning over $200k a year. Bill Gates, Sr. himself did a bunch of TV ads in support of it. Now, there are a LOT more people who earn less than $200k in this state than earn more. The bill additionally called for *lowering* all property taxes, and lowering B&O (small business) taxes. It should have been a no-brainer. A FUCKING NO-BRAINER. But no… failed by a huge margin.
Is there no hope that sanity will ever prevail?
They remind me of the folks in hell (Dante's Inferno) who suddenly find ropes coming down from heaven. Instead of minding their own bidiniz they started kicking the shit out of each other and pretty soon the ropes were cut and everyone ended up back in hell.
As for that faint hope of the lottery. There was a Canada City study that showed that 75-80% of all lottery winners ended up in worse financial shape seven years after they won the lottery. I doubt US America is much better. The clowns would piss it all away anyway forgetting that the reason why a lot of millionaires especially clowns like Trump spend other people's money not their own.
Separated at birth: Donald Trump's hair and the faux wood-grain side panels on a 1973 AMC station wagon…
If it's the 1973 Hornet you're speaking of, I must confess: those shits were just stickers. I spent much of 1984 peeling away at 'em. Welcome to Oregon in the Reagan years.
Meanwhile, Trump buys an English Premier League side and installs… a statue of Michael Jackson by the stadium, and tells fans to piss off if they disapprove. Same nut-cutting egomaniac or no?
Whenever he talks, I feel like drinking wood grain alcohol.
A wood-grain scalp tattoo is simply free speech.
And free speech is generally a good idea, but we're in a war!
This is putting the lives of our troops at risk.
Why does Donald Trump hate the troops?
I always thought his head was covered with dead palm fronds from his Palm Beach estate.
Superglue.
U.S. variation of Private Eye, short lived but influential.
And that, Mr. ManchCandidate, is what we call "The Art of the Deal."
Ken, that was trenchant. The Donald is living proof that capitalism is a false religion. He produces nothing and has been bankrupt multiple times, yet here he is on the cusp of becoming secretary of commerce under president Cain.
Whenever I see Donald Trump, I feel sorry for him because no one in his inner circle stops him from walking around in public with such ridiculous hair. Clearly, he is not loved.
so this means sarah p is still around, yes?
This many years later, I am still awe-stricken at "short-fingered vulgarian".
And as nearly impossible as it is to imagine, what's *inside* the head is even worse.
"the architectural equivalent of a 16-year-old finding a bag of money and blowing it all on a metal-flake gold 1981 Pontiac Firebird. "
"These shirts are made out of a special designer nylon" — Dirk Diggler, "Boogie Nights"
How much of Trumps money would it take for you to lick that thing? From forehead to crown?
Come on Wonkette. What's your price?
It's comb-overs all the way down!
It's road kill.
Ahhh! I like the Douchlon Don.
He helps to remind me of all the things that sucked in the 80's, even if he is so greasy shit don't stick to his ass.
Just don't ask Bill "Tide goes in, tide goes out" 'O try to explain why.
As my hair thins, it is increasingly depressing that a billionaire can only afford to grow a 7 foot long strand of hair over his left ear to cover a one and one-half span of male patterned baldness. At least the Eastern European bimbos are something to strive for.
I laughed at every single sentence in the original post, Ken.
That said, I'd say that none of his various wives would look out of place on the arm of a tin-pot dictator.
The Prettiest Prize Pig Contest…er…the Republican primary is going to be so great.
To me it looks like some sorta spun-sugar-shite-one-would-get-atop-one's-raspberry-mousse-at-a-shite-restaurant-at-one-of-his-shite-casino/hotels-after-a-pizza-faced-waiter-named-Justin-came-by-with-a-shrink-wrapped-desert-tray-that-also-included-Mississippi-Mud-Pie-&-the-cooks-call-it "scalp-candy"-or-"Donaldz-golden-shower."
….Iz what it looks like to me.
Fuck Trump, but SPY!; I loved that magazine, really made me laugh. Bring back 'Logrolling In Our Time', the feature where asshole authors review each other's trashy books for mutual pimping. That was great.
It still exists! Just go to any "new non-fiction" section in the barnes & noble ….
Every time I see something on Trump I feel the same way as when I see the Snowbilly Quitter's name in print, namely: why am I seeing this? Trump is not a serious person. He has no ideas, no vision and no shame. He and Palin are two peas in a pod. Neither of them deserve our attention. They are shameless attention whores and the sooner we ignore them and their idiotic antics, the better for our Country.
I can't wait for Donald's final book: “For Ten Bucks, I'll Kiss The Tip: How I FINALLY Blew Through Daddy's Money . . . The Trump Way!”
Amazing crosshatching effect creates an amazing moiré pattern…this shit is almost holographic!
I've been using this one for a while and thinking about changing it anyway. But it's weird that this pathetic lunatic is obsessed with me.
Lunch? Signed? Ok, well, guess I need to reject the null hypothesis then. Still, nice while it lasted. Oh and thou art nipping at me p-heels now…grand!
I suppose “issued” is more correct or “drafted”.
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