Good news, hamburglars! Industrial cow-parts processor “McDonaldland Corporation” will hire 50,000 of the nation’s 24,300,000 million officially unemployed, “involuntary part-time” and “discouraged” workers. Just show up at your local McDonald’s (or the other one, at the next offramp) on April 19 and you may be one of the lucky .002% of unwanted American laborers to get a job assembling McGriddles at 5 a.m. until robots take over all fast food jobs in 2014. Winning the Future!
USA Today, which we love specifically for its deadpan ability to reprint dumb corporate press releases as “news articles,” provides the following inspirational details:
McDonald’s (MCD) plans to hold its first national hiring day April 19 to fill 50,000 jobs at its restaurants nationwide. The company says it is making a concerted effort to add staff as its business improves and more of its restaurants stay open 24 hours a day.
The company’s hiring goal translates to between three and four new hires per restaurant.
Twenty-four hours a day! Because god forbid you have to make it through the wee small hours between closing time and Sausage-Biscuit time without a McRib and 72 ounces of corn syrup ….
The same blurb then says the salt ‘n fat chain’s turnover “slowed because of the weak economy,” so maybe it’s hiring even less anusburger flippers than usual? Who knows, right? Just put it in the paper, call it a day.
Also: When the chain’s stores in the west had a regional hiring day in 2010, some 60,000 turned up in desperate hope of getting one of the 13,000 jobs offered. [USA Today]
{ 116 comments }
Yay more shitty, shitty jobs!
You see shitty jobs, but liberal arts majors see gainful employment.
It's not a job, it's a McJob!
In other business news, Amalgamated Pickle & Cheese Food Industries futures have unexpectedly soared in morning trading.
Conversely I think the long term growth will be in the Rascal scooters, in a size and configuration that allows the fat ass rider to pull up high enough to see over the counter.
Albeit with a slight lag, as hypothesized by the Laugher Curve.
The new face of the American Worker; but you have to buy your own clown nose and face paint. This Country is sooooo fucked!
You wan't fries with that demeaning, unionless job?
Finally, that BFA degree is gonna pay off.
Is the BFA from the "Burger Flipping Academy"?
Don't they pay minimum wage? I thought that (and unions) were destroying America. So, basically they're hiring 50,000 socialist voters for O'bama. Guess that makes McD's the red and yellow army.
Actually all the jobs are in Maine, the applicant has to be under 16 and the job expires in 179 days, so no the jobs don't qualify for minimum wage.
No health coverage for greasy lung disease, either
Palin: I went to 5 colleges in 6 years and the only job I could find was a part time governorship.
That educational trajectory should have hinted that she has retention problems, e.g., English language, elected office, factual information, etc.
Water?
Poop.
You know, if we cut the minimum wage in half McDonalds could hire 100,000!
Time for another republican governor to step up and demand that restrictions on corporations' hiring practices, such as the minimum wage, be repealed. Put a stop to those fat paychecks that these burger-flippers are taking from their employers–it hurts America.
Next the wingtards will be referring to fast food workers as "fat cat elitists", y'know, like teachers and toll booth workers.
I think Maine is already on that and the draconian laws about not being able to use small children for as many hours after skool as you'd like. Ahhhh, smells like 1911 all over again!
Do not forget safety regulations that unfairly burden corporations and lead to a theft of their profits.
Lindsay Graham's happy. Ham Biscuits!
You know, if we cut the minimum wage in half McDonalds could hire 100,000!
This is a company with foresight and knows that future growth of the American Backside is the place for lots of future employment.
You deserve a break today
So get up minimum wage slave
To McDonald's
So enjoy no benefits anyway
From McDonald's
McDonald's
McDonald's
We're lovin it!
I hope that I get hired so I can put the lids on loosely on the 428 degree coffee. I still get paid if I have to appear in court, right?
And people say we need more manufacturing jobs…piffle!
And another thing: it really is disenfranchising when you arrive at McD's at 10:30.04 AM and can't get a lousy Hockey-McPuck for breakfast. "Fast" food indeed!
Hey Mr Troll–I'm being sarcastic here! Where's my downfist?
Or are you as mad about the 10:30 cholesterol cutoff as I am?
Remember, Team Bush actually floated the idea that assembling anusburgers was a manufacturing job:
http://www.nytimes.com/2004/02/20/business/in-the...
Tea Cow:
I want my anus back!
Have fun making McTurdwiches, you lucky, lucky ducks. Sure, you'll be making two dollars an hour and living in a cardboard box under a railroad trestle, but technically you'll be employed. How nice!
Is it only me who keeps getting some weird Intense Debate format with strange avatars and Sorosbot's real e-mail address?
I've been having the squiggly alien troubles too – but didn't realize that IntenseDebate was giving everyone my email address! That's weird.
I'm going to send a test email to see if it displayed it correctly, lol.
They’re looking for itinerant people with no family, no connections, to work as ‘research assistants’ for the development of McDonalds new line of McHobo burgers.
Does McDonalds now offer ham biscuits?
Awesome! How about posting for us all to have fun with?
Dear Mr SorosBot:
Although we have not met, I find myself in an unexpectedly impecunious state, and know that I can count on you to assist me. As Nigerian Finance MinisTErf, I have recently acquired control of some 400,000 piastres and am in SERIOUS need of a location where this may be secreted, to ensure that my enemies do not get acceds to IT. Please send me your ACCOUNT # and ABA trnasfer nos by immediate reply, and I will wire the funds…
Anonymous!!!!!
Anhydrous!!!!
I can't do that right now. I am filling out my McDonald's application. Can I use you as a reference, please?
They're looking for itinerant workers with no family, no connections, to work as "Research Assistants" in developing the new McHobo burger.
I think they serve that already, I believe they call it a regular burger. There is more ketchup and pickle than anything else.
Old Clara Peller had it right, "Where's the beef" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ug75diEyiA0
Recipe from McHobo: "First, grind two pounds of hobomeat, preferably whistle gristle ("lips") and missle gristle ("bris tips") …"
Does it involve Soylent Green?
Now, I could go on about the crappy wages, rotten hours, limited career prospects (wow, some of these workers might become assistant managers–woo hoo!), but let's think positive about this development. True, they have to wear ugly uniforms, but that means they will save money on work clothes, plus…um…
OK, I got nothing.
Don't Downfist me Bro!
Yay!! state educcashion preevales!
Behold the power of the invisible hand!
Well, after all, it's the same hand that arranged that the universe will simply become colder and colder over time. That's a guarantee!
Proving once again that global warming is a myth. How many times do you have show these tree-huggers?
We need to come up with a new term; for which the majority electorate in a Democracy votes for and then scrambles in a race to the bottom, arrives there, and only finds a much deeper hole.
Me too, I tried to change it to my name and post a comment, but that comment never made it to the stream.
As for posting Soros email, with this crowd I can imagine all the cool Brietbart things he woudl sign up for and decided not to do that..
I'm just glad I haven't seen a bunch of posts from me I never made after this.
Send in the clowns.
Don't bother. They're here.
Too bad we couldn't get downfist troll's e-mail address.
It is AssClown@hotmail.com
His password is probably p-a-s-s-w-o-r-d
…“slowed because of the weak economy,”…
This is the ultimate statement of our country… a "weak economy" hurt McFuckin'Donald's? Hello… people… wake the fuck up to what YOUR elected officials are doing to MY county. Dumb-ass fucktards… also wake up to "Premium Roast" coffee and Snausage McMuffins with egg(?) and bright yellow latex… er… um… cheese product.
"Turnover" as in staffing turnover: The awful economy and 9% "official" unemployment means people get a McD shift and won't give it up for nothin'.
He's already been hard at work on this page!
But this I vow, goddammit, they will never get the robots to EAT the damn fries.
Nah. They'd fire him because there would be a bite on every burger.
And a tiny, tiny smear of white.
Two mice enter, one Mickey leaves. Dyin' time is near!
Hurray for more 25 hour a week permanent part time jobs with no benefits!
50,000 part-time, minimum wage jobs with no benefits?
The economy is saved!
Take that, Wal-Mart.
the nation’s 24,300,000 million officially unemployed, “involuntary part-time” and “discouraged” workers.
Just a thought, here, folks: we get rid of child labor laws and social security, thereby making all 309,000,000 Americans a defacto part of the workforce and presto, unemployment drops to 7.8%. Who says Republicans don't have all the solutions?
Er, you mean you don't have to win a cage match to play a furry at Disneyland? Anaheim, here I come!
I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.
Koo koo ka-choo
I thought the Walrus was Paul?
Just being near a McD's is adequate proof of self-loathing.
Goddamn I'm hungry.
"all beef," but who can tell the dif from anusburger to ratcheek?
I keep getting those weird little alien cartoons instead of our usual bad selves. It's also REALLY s l o w…maybe our trolls went googlin' and are "hacking" us.
Here's my prediction about what the employment picture will look like by about 2100:
20% Walmart
20% in prison
20% guarding the prisoners
20% working at McDonald's feeding the previous 60%
20% living in refrigerator boxes
You forgot the 50% growing, brewing, and/or selling dope.
Can I transfer the credits I get at Hamburger U?
sweet! i always said when i grew up i wanted to go to Bovine University!
30 years ago McD used to brag that by 1990 some 25% of all Americans would have worked for McDonald's at one time.
Walmart may also make that claim soon, if not already.
Unremarked is that all 50,000 hires are unpaid internships.
Invisible hand job?
MacDs is the perfect place to spark the economic revolting, take to the streets with a scrumptious ??? (I can't actually think of anything here) …
And while you're in line to apply for that minimun wage job you won't get, try the new McDumbo burger: it's godaddylicious!
You needed that job and you were the best qualified, but they had to give it to a discouraged worker because of race to the bottom quotas.
Ha ha like I'm going to…hmm, April 19th you say?
Hmm …. the Republicans announced today that they're privatizing Medicare … meanwhile, McDonald's announces hiring of 50,000 unemployed schmucks for some mysterious goings on between midnight and 6:00 am…. hmmm….
Soylent Green is people!!!
I thought I'd update the classic early-'80s McDonald's "Camp Knippersink" commercial for our modern era:
"We are Knippersinkers and we're in luck,
If you can't earn a living wage, just pretend you're a duck!
Wack wack waddle waddle wack wack waddle…"
The saddest part of this will be when I learn that I am in fact, not overqualified for the job.
You deserve a fist today. They had ya on the ropes.
Thanks! They'd have to bring ropes if they wanted to have me. Also, a rag soaked in ether. Yeah, I am talking to YOU, downfister.
You guys know what else happened on April 19?
Swiss chemist Dr. Albert Hofmann deliberately takes LSD for the first time?
The Cubans kicked our asses at the Bay of Pigs?
My brother was born?
I've decided to wait and see if I can leverage this opportunity into a better offer from Jack in the Box.
Oh, if only nuclear reactors were run in the same tight way as McDonald's franchises. Perhaps they could combine the two and produce glowing McAnusburgers or self-cooking Mcnuggets.
That's not much of an endorsement — you're not a housewife once you have to go to work, and if you're a mom that means the McD minimum wage needs to somehow pay daycare, too. (Which is impossible.)
And high school students are very rarely seen in such jobs today — the teen unemployment rate is more than double the adult unemployment rate, and kids in school are competing with kids who dropped out already and can work the full day shift.
McDonalds hired a bunch of housewives in my area when I was growing up, despite the fact that the ladies hadn't worked outside the home in years…if at all. They also hired immigrant Moms with limited English to work the fry-o-lators and grills in the back. This gave the ladies a job they could do during the day when the kids school, some extra money for the family, and something of their own away from house, kids, and spouse.
Yeah, I come from a working class area of Prince Georges County, MD, that a lot of folks might call "the hood" where McDonalds being willing to hire a person with no work experience is a good thing. No, they're not the best jobs, but for the ladies I grew up around, those jobs filled a need. They are not, however, a replacement for white collar jobs, construction jobs, and so forth.
Troll invasion. We are so fucked.
Full contact bum fighting for the amusement of our corporate overlords.
+5 hiring points bonus if the application is tear-stained.
I know! I sort of expected to be followed by a matching pair.
"In the first part of the 20th century, productivity gains translated into higher pay and shorter hours for workers. In today's economy it is just the opposite…This is what the race to the bottom is all about — the de-skilling of the workplace has been a fundamental theme of the American job market for the last century. It allows the easy replacement of low-skill workers (e.g. – turnover in the fast food industry is 300 to 400 percent), which means the lowest wages possible. So the U.S. economy is creating millions of minimum wage jobs, and minimum wage jobs are perfect for replacement by robots. "
#ALWAYS LEAVE FRIES IN THE BOTTOM OF THE BAG
Speaking of bags…
Here's how Ann Coulter gets a free bag of fries from Ronald McDonald
Assembling McGriddles hasn't been off-shored to Southeast Asia yet? Oh wait, McDonald's jobs' pay is pretty much the same here and there.
MMMMMMMMmmmm, corn syrup
Ken… I can feel your anger and head-exploding-ness through the computer screen.
But hey, aren't they also giving free English lessons to their hispanic employees who work for approximately $3-per-hour less than minimum wage? And I'm sure some of those people are here illegally (they're certainly brown). So they're sure to make the wingnuts' heads explode too!
Finally these Briebart trolls can use their homeschooling and make themselves useful…instead of being miserable scared little pusstards.
You think you're discouraged *now*? Wait till you're working there!
Ah, so it's come to this: the working class fighting over scraps. And scraps that are mostly water / GMO soy protein, at that! Thanks to the beneficence of our new Hamburglar masters, some small percentage of us may be able to bring something other than canned ham back to our Section 8 homes / dilapidated trailers.
One of the debatably "good" things about this recession as compared with previous ones I've experienced is that you can't get the crappy fast-food jobs, either, so that kinda lets us off the hook.
Say what you will about the Psychotic Clown, but nobody beats their $1 menu. If you're looking for questionably sourced meat-like by-products, slightly-less-than-rotten potatoes, and sweet, sweet, flavored, liquified corn, McDonald's is the place for you.
I, for one, welcome our smiling, greasy, made-up overlord and his posse.
Keep it up snarky kids and all there'll be left is unpaid internships for 'valuable experience'.
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