IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA  9:23 am April 4, 2011

BP Resumes Drilling In the Gulf, Oil Rig Executives Receive ‘Safety Bonuses’

by Riley Waggaman

...And everybody 'got their life back,' the end.

  • Let’s begin with the “funny” news: Transocean awarded its top executives with six figure bonuses, because under their shining leadership the company experienced its “best year in safety performance.” Yes, “safety bonuses” for the executives in charge of the oil rig that exploded and then spilled 200 million gallons of oil into the ocean, killing eleven people, all the baby dolphins and everything else that lives in/near the Gulf. Ha-ha, it’s good to be an executive, and receive bonus-bribes and hookers so that you will never be tempted to cooperate with the authorities — which is very unlikely to begin with, since you have no soul. Anyway! BP has tentative plans to resume drilling in the Gulf, the end. [MSNBC]
  • It could take “several months” before Fukushima stops leaking radioactive sludge. Also: Japan dumped 11,500 tons of radioactive water into the Pacific Ocean. Hooray! [CNN/Business Week]
  • Oh look, microphallus Terry Jones is still burning Muslin books. [Miami Herald]
 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 90 comments }

randcoolcatdaddy April 4, 2011 at 9:26 am

Actually, that was the "best year in safety from federal regulators and manslaughter liability prosecution" award…

nedbeaumontjr April 4, 2011 at 9:27 am

The problem with using the adjective "microphallus" in discussion of today's business and political climate is simple: about whom do you not use it?

MildMidwesterner April 4, 2011 at 9:42 am

The term doesn't really apply to women. Professional women have yet to shatter that glass ceiling of colossal disappointment. Palin, though, certainly made quite a few cracks.

nedbeaumontjr April 4, 2011 at 9:48 am

What was she using as a hammer?

Lenin Was Right April 4, 2011 at 9:51 am

A bell and a song.

Swampgas_Man April 4, 2011 at 9:50 am

Macrocunt =/= micropenis.

Doktor Zoom April 4, 2011 at 10:00 am

So THAT'S why there's such a thing as a megadouche.

baconzgood April 4, 2011 at 9:28 am

Listen Riley you're getting this "safety performance" thing all wrong. The money was given because the executives were to cover the companie's ass and make the profits safe. It has nothing to do with people's lives or edible fish.

nedbeaumontjr April 4, 2011 at 9:35 am

The Safety Dance?

baconzgood April 4, 2011 at 9:37 am

You can dance.
You can dance.
Now there's oil on the plants

EatsBabyDingos April 4, 2011 at 9:29 am

I'm still waiting for the astrobiologists to find some intergalactic space ho's. That'd make all this so much easier, espcially if they invoiced by the hour and charged by the pound of cabbage.

hollywooddood April 4, 2011 at 9:30 am

Shut up. They have their lives back. Okay?

memzilla April 4, 2011 at 9:30 am

It's like the best of General "No Taxes" Electric and Morgan "Blood Funnel" Stanley combined, but with moar dead pelicans!

SorosBot April 4, 2011 at 9:31 am

Man, a certain company is certainly trying hard to make sure their executives are the first to be roasted and force-fed to their children when the revolution comes.

Mumbletypeg April 4, 2011 at 9:31 am

Quoth cretin Jones:

“Why do I do what I do? …Because I’m more afraid of God than I am of you.”

Guess his "better angels" had better things to do than put up with this sack of anal-retarded FAIL.

SorosBot April 4, 2011 at 9:38 am

So he admits to being a coward, so easily scared he's even frightened by a figment of his imagination.

weejee April 4, 2011 at 9:51 am

Can Dog figure out a 2nd Amendment solution for Pastor Jones?

Negropolis April 4, 2011 at 11:45 pm

Dog?

BarryOPotter April 4, 2011 at 11:37 am

Sounds like someone has confused his micro-boner for Goodie Mercye Pyle with a fear of the Omnipotent. And he's a, *ahem*, and I quote Goodie M. P.: "megadouche." Basically he does what he does because of unrequited megadouchery. C'est la vie…

freakishlywrong April 4, 2011 at 9:32 am

Lest we forget. CEO pay and bonuses also jumped 27% for 2010, while I've not had a raise in almost four years. I do not think those at the top thinks that "class warfare" is what they think it means.

DaRooster April 4, 2011 at 10:47 am

It doesn't really mean, "The poor people are at the gates and going to kill us." ?

Yet…

tessiee April 4, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Step 1: CEO pay and bonuses also jumped 27% for 2010
Step 2: ?????
Step 3: Jerbs for everyone!

Andrew Drinker April 4, 2011 at 9:33 am

Oh look! A teabagging downfister, and so early on a Monday morning!

I guess they had a crappy weekend. Awwww. :-\

DashboardBuddha April 4, 2011 at 10:08 am

OT, but I had an awesome weekend. Saturday was my 50th birthday. I got many bottles of scotch from my friends.

Andrew Drinker April 4, 2011 at 10:31 am

Happy Berfday!!!!!

Why aren't you hungover? Or are you still drunk?

DaRooster April 4, 2011 at 10:49 am

Congratulations!

Thank you for giving me a reason to have a few Scotches myself this weekend.

Monsieur_Grumpe April 4, 2011 at 9:33 am

Hey, those executives deserve this bonus. Not one of them got cut as they were being shaved, stabbed themselves with a gold fork as they placed caviar in their mouth or got their finger slammed in the limo door as the chauffer closed it for them for a whole year. Well done!

weejee April 4, 2011 at 9:53 am

And for protecting stock value from any form of hemorrhaging. Equity safety being the most important, obvs.

ManchuCandidate April 4, 2011 at 9:34 am

In execubot land such bonuses aren't perverse. It's in the contract.

My soon to be dissolved former employer gave bonuses to the incompetent execubots based on fiduciary responsibility despite the fact it ended up in Chapter 11.

Mumbletypeg April 4, 2011 at 10:08 am

I don't get this aspect of business. The golden parachutes, the contract-sealed bonus deals. I hope to one day understand how this mechanism escapes scrutiny and evades accountability. I think such practice has warranted re-evaluation since before this latest recession.. The day I actually understand its purpose though might be the day I have to crack myself a new one, between my ears.

ManchuCandidate April 4, 2011 at 10:20 am

The problem is that many of these execubots consider their contract with the corporation as sacrosanct while any contracts/obligations with the employees as the legal equivalent of toilet paper.

Fits with their own narcissistic sociopathic tendencies where they're the only ones who are allowed to benefit from everyone's labor.

BarryOPotter April 4, 2011 at 11:42 am

Fits with their own narcissistic sociopathic tendencies where they're the only ones who are allowed to benefit from everyone's labor.

Would that I had more Up Fists to give…

mavenmaven April 4, 2011 at 9:35 am

Japan is number one in contaminating its own water. America must not be number two in anything!!!

baconzgood April 4, 2011 at 9:35 am

"Terry Jones is a big fat fuckin' douche bag."

-Baconzgood-

comptoneffect April 4, 2011 at 10:40 am

"Terry Jones is a big fat fuckin' douche bag."

Let’s breakdown this post:
1. It’s short and to the point.
2. Starts off with calling Terry Jones big and fat.
3. It uses the keywords “Fuckin’” and “douche bag”.
4. It clearly states a general sentiment expressed by many here at Wonkette.
I don’t claim any special insight but I think what we got here is a winner.

Terry April 4, 2011 at 9:35 am

Those executives got bonuses because they were able to deflect about 85% of the attention on to BP (not that they didn't deserve a whole lot of blame), 10% on to Haliburton (not much of a challenge, just saying their name scares people), and thus Transocean was able to scoot along largely below the radar.

Regarding Japan, it seems more and more that the people who wrote the original Godzilla script might have been slightly psychic, unfortunately.

Here's a question about that idiot "preacher". How exactly did the lunatics in Pakistan find out that he burned the Koran? It wasn't covered on the news here, really. Does Pakistan have an equivalent of Fox News that trolls the world for items that will piss off their core viewers?

ManchuCandidate April 4, 2011 at 9:41 am

"Does Pakistan have an equivalent of Fox News that trolls the world for items that will piss off their core viewers? "

Pretty much. Muslins! They're just like everyone else!

nedbeaumontjr April 4, 2011 at 9:41 am

Where are the miniature women? It's not Godzilla without miniature women!

Terry April 4, 2011 at 9:44 am

Mothra had the miniature women! Get your Japanese monsters straight!

baconzgood April 4, 2011 at 9:50 am

I don't let my kids watch any Godzilla film with Mothra in it because of those twins and thier horrid Morthra song. It's more annoying than a Justin Bieber/Miley Cyrus duet.

DaRooster April 4, 2011 at 10:54 am

"It's more annoying than a Justin Bieber/Miley Cyrus duet. "

Come on… close but sheesh. Icky.

nedbeaumontjr April 4, 2011 at 9:53 am

They all look alike to me.

Swampgas_Man April 4, 2011 at 9:54 am

That was Mothra.

Doktor Zoom April 4, 2011 at 9:58 am

Besides, Gamera had the best theme song.

SorosBot April 4, 2011 at 9:48 am

It's Japan; the country has always been hit by earthquakes, just not ones as big as this one, and there were those bombs we dropped on them, so it's no wonder that so much of their movies and TV involve cities getting destroyed; it's actually happened to them many, many times.

Pop_Socket April 4, 2011 at 10:24 am

Just because we didn't give a shit doesn't mean they didn't.

ttommyunger April 4, 2011 at 10:48 am

We're not really blaming the Media for this one, are we?

Terry April 4, 2011 at 10:56 am

The preacher thing?

I think the following people or groups deserve blame:

- Insane, bigotted, horrible "preacher" for looking for ways to draw attention to himself and incite others.

- Press who cover insane, biggotted, horrible "preacher". They're feeding his malfunction and turning him from a local asshole into an international one.

- Insane, horrible, reactionary, narrowminded, murderous bombers for looking hard for an excuse then murdering people in cold blood, supposedly in the name of God.

Some members of the Media get a solid assist in this one.

My point up in the previous comment, however, wasn't strictly directed at the Media. Who the hell makes sure that the nutjobs see this stuff?

SorosBot April 4, 2011 at 11:17 am

You're forgetting one other group: the people who have spent the past ten years bombing Afghanis and occupying their country, giving them plenty of reasons to hate Americans and Westerners in general.

Terry April 4, 2011 at 11:25 am

Yeah, you can add a few others to the list for sure. I was thinking narrowly about the redneck preacher to bomb in Pakistan line of events.

CliveWarren April 4, 2011 at 9:35 am

This just proves that Haley Barbour was right to apologize to BP. Now it's time for all of us to do the same. I'll start…

baconzgood April 4, 2011 at 9:41 am

Dear BP,

I'm truely sorry that you'll all burn in hell for being such greedy fuck sticks.

donner_froh April 4, 2011 at 9:37 am

BP has tentative plans to resume drilling in the Gulf, the end.

In other news Kiev Power and Light is reopening Chernobyl.

Pragmatist2 April 4, 2011 at 9:39 am

They deserve those bonuses! Not a single BP executive was hurt throughout this entire crisis!

Weenus299 April 4, 2011 at 9:40 am

Good morning in the land of no one gives a fuck about consequences anymore.

Swampgas_Man April 4, 2011 at 9:56 am

In the era of the 5-second attentions span, there ARE no consequences anymore.

genxr April 4, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Come on, that's not fair. With just a little bit of research I can find that — what were we talking about again?

BaldarTFlagass April 4, 2011 at 9:43 am

I wish that fucker Terry Jones would change his name. Every time I see his name here on Wonkette, I get all excited because there's a python reference, but then it's not.

genxr April 4, 2011 at 2:05 pm

It IS Terry Jones in his latest bit of performance art. Just like we've been subjected to Michael/Sarah/Lou Palin since 2008. Those Pythons, they're a clever bunch. Watch for 2012 Presidential contenders named Idle and Cleese.

freakishlywrong April 4, 2011 at 9:44 am

Oh, and lest we thought we had any type of thoughtful media in this country, the God-awful Morning Joe put a stake in it for real. The "Game Changing" pundit, Mark Halperin literally asked today that if "things were so bad, why weren't thousands marching in the streets?" Thank God for Jeffery Sachs who was incredulous and asked him if he'd heard of Wisconsin? Then, Dr. Sachs got on an all-too-real point about how there really is no "center" being represented in this Democracy, it's all ganked right by the media and the well paid politicos. This was cut off because it was far more important to show Meatloaf yelling at Gary Busey on Trump's awful clown show. Shameful.

Swampgas_Man April 4, 2011 at 9:58 am

Why I'm glad I'm no longer paying for CNN, the end.

ttommyunger April 4, 2011 at 10:50 am

My answer: do not watch this fucking tripe!

freakishlywrong April 4, 2011 at 11:01 am

I know. I have it on while I'm getting ready for work, and every now and then, a glimmer of sense is made. But mostly, I want to plow my car in to McCain/Palin bumper stickers on the way to work.

chicken_thief April 4, 2011 at 12:46 pm

At least McCain had the good sense to not pick that other shallow bitch as his running mate – Lindsey Graham.

Doktor Zoom April 4, 2011 at 9:45 am

Come on, you guys are looking at the Transocean thing from the wrong perspective–sure, there was that one deadly rig explosion, sinking, and consequent record-setting oil spill, but all the company's other rigs were pretty safe. It's like when all of White Star Lines' captains (except one) got a huge iceberg-avoidance bonus in 1912.

Come here a minute April 4, 2011 at 9:46 am

Transocean awarded its top executives with six figure bonuses, because under their shining leadership the company experienced its “best year in safety performance.”

Just because you didn't hear about all the previous years of dead employees and befouled waters doesn't mean they didn't happen. Three cheers for 2010!!

PublicLuxury April 4, 2011 at 9:49 am

Corporations police themselves. No Regulations. Regulations are for pussies

DahBoner April 4, 2011 at 10:29 am

#LET CORPORATIONS DO WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY WANT…

Toomush_Infer April 4, 2011 at 10:04 am

Pretty oily….on the Terry thing instead – why stop with the Koran?….there are plenty other "Best Books I Have Ever Written'' to make a really sizzling bonfire….I'm pretty sure a lot of us would bring our own weiners…..

PsycWench April 4, 2011 at 10:06 am

I propose that the radioactive leak be plugged by Terry Jones + BP executives. What a beautiful solution.

nedbeaumontjr April 4, 2011 at 10:10 am

They're dense enough, but they lack internal cohesion.

tcaalaw April 4, 2011 at 10:35 am

It's an idea, but I'm concerned that they might ultimately prove to be more toxic than plutonium.

JustPixelz April 4, 2011 at 4:45 pm

What if they mutate into horrible creatures bent on the destruction of humanity? Oh wait.

Monsieur_Grumpe April 4, 2011 at 10:15 am

Mr Jones is just starting. Next trial is for Mohammed.
http://thinkprogress.org/2011/04/03/terry-jones-t

Pop_Socket April 4, 2011 at 10:25 am

Other than that one little mishap, how was the safety record, Mrs. Lincoln?

ZangoCrudmonger April 4, 2011 at 10:46 am

"The Quran was torched after a mock trial in which the book was found guilty of various transgressions." See, here's the problem, this Quran guy needs to get a jerb working as a Transocean exec, then ta-da, immunity. Mr. Quran might even get a six-figure bonus depending on page views or whatnot.

DashboardBuddha April 4, 2011 at 11:00 am

What the hell…Tepco springs a tiny leak and its CEO takes to his sick bed with the vapors. He should man up like Tony Hayward and bitch about wanting his life back.

NewYorkJew April 4, 2011 at 11:17 am

In 1240, in Paris, church and state staged a mock trial of the Talmud, with Rabbi Yehiel of Paris for the defense and a recent Jewish convert to Christianity, Nicholas Donin, for the prosecution. The trial was presided over by the Queen Mother, Blanche. Guess what: the Christian side won! And guess what: the Pope ordered Jewish books confiscated and burned, which happened in Paris ca. 1243.

Sound familiar?

Goonemeritus April 4, 2011 at 11:18 am

Leave BP alone you're lucky they even drill for you bastard people

BarackMyWorld April 4, 2011 at 11:38 am

motherfuckers.

Slim_Pickins April 4, 2011 at 11:39 am

But for that one little slip-up in the Gulf, they would have earned eight figure bonuses.

DonnyKerabotsos April 4, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Correct me if I have this wrong, but don't I remember someone promising the Florida mustache farmer a new car or a Caribbean cruise or some other temporal reward if he'd just ix-nay on burning the oran-kay?

I guess the temptation of that sweet, sweet publicity–even though it's just the "omg, what the fuck is up now with this moran?" kind– was just too great for the Rev.

So he broke his word and now he has a death toll. Pam Gellar will be so jealous.

chicken_thief April 4, 2011 at 12:51 pm

I think it was a new Hyundia or something like that. Maybe a BMW or Mercedes would have persuaded him.

MinAgain April 4, 2011 at 12:27 pm

I have an idea. Let Japan dump 11,500 tons of radioactive water onto BP oil executives. They couldn't possibly mutate into anything more monstrous than they are now.

mourningnmerica April 4, 2011 at 12:43 pm

In related news, Lloyd Blankfein has just been awarded the "Sharing is Caring" award.

chicken_thief April 4, 2011 at 12:54 pm

Hey, Japan bounced back from Hiroshima and Nagasaki – thank you very much, USA!, they'll rebound from a little toxic water just fine. Eventually.

tessiee April 4, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Well, they're too fatty to fry.

fuflans April 4, 2011 at 1:13 pm

bp oil spill, radioactive water and terry jones. which is the grossest form of pollution we wonder.

Negropolis April 4, 2011 at 11:51 pm

Anyone can be a pastor, huh? Really, I got nothing. What a horrible, horrible man.

God to Terry: You're not doing it right.

tessiee April 4, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Which still leaves it several hundred steps above "Hotel California".

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