Huckabee Plans To Make All Americans Watch Jesus Wingnut ‘At Gunpoint’

  america's next president

Huckabee preparing to hold a shotgun to the head of a black American.America’s forgotten “Man From Hope,” Mike Huckabee, never even came close to winning the GOP nomination in 2008. But he’s still sort of half-trying to run in 2012, so of course he is pandering wildly to the fringe “Christian Supremacist” bible-college nutters who are the true heirs to our national heritage of illiterate preachers going from town to town trying to rile up the yokels enough to fill the “love offering” buckets and fill up the Lincoln Continental and pay off the hookers and the hooch man and get across the state line before the sheriff figures out what happened. So here’s some video of Huckabee at the “Rediscover God in America” regional convention, yucking it up about his plans to press guns to the skulls of all 309 million Americans so they don’t try to escape the TeeVee Set when Huckabee begins the 24-hour channel devoted to the insane historical fiction of dingbat weirdo David Barton. (This will be the only channel on all 479 satellite and cable channels in America, once Huckabee becomes “Pastor In Chief.”)

You’ll want to skip to 1:06 for the gun sexytime:

(Thanks to Wonkette operative “Katie D.” for the creepy video!)

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

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168 comments

  1. Barbara_i

    He's really reaching the upper echelon of the GOP, meaning that he won't always have to wear a name tag at his appearances.

          1. not that Dewey

            Name me one other website on the internets where we can simultaneously make fun of Republicans and crack Arnold Layne jokes. Name one. This is exactly why I loves me some Wonkette.

  2. dogscantlookup

    "take what you can when you can, eat squirrel from a popcorn popper."
    So say Saxon Jebus and Huckabump

      1. Barbara_i

        They don't even bother to read what is said. They just click the downfist and that makes them tingle in their naughty parts.

          1. poncho_pilot

            the Trump Tower. it's actually a giant dildo wired directly to the pleasure center in the right wing Borg hive mind. they can barely get anything done on a windy day, it's so distracting.

      2. glamourdammerung

        Downfist stalker make me sad (=_=)

        It makes me a little sad too, knowing that someone has such a worthless life that they have literally nothing better to do than troll here and cry about being banned for it.

        Then I realize what a total degenerate would do that, and enjoy the fact they are crying in impotent rage.

        1. Crank_Tango

          yeah i think it is fucking hilarious, this jackoff and his raging impotence. Or hers. How would that work anyway? Fatty uterus?

        2. TsunamiAli

          "Hm, let's see, I'm retired/unemployed/on disability and don't have a lot to do…maybe I should coach a kid's softball team in my community, or help out at the food pantry of my church. Nah, trolling Wonkette is a much better use of my time!"

      3. MarshallBanana

        Really? I find it fucking hilarious.

        You go, impotent fucktard! Go! Do Gawd's work! You're so cute!

  3. iburl

    "Take the bible and apply it to every single aspect of the culture."
    Stryper already tried that. It failed. You can't have metal.

    1. undeterredbyreality

      When Jeebus comes back and looks around, he's gonna say: "When I said to render unto mammon what is mammon's, I didn't mean to lie cheat and steal to get mammon's stuff so you could render it to him, though. YOU go to hell, You go to hell, You go to hell–look under your seats–you ALL go to hell!"

    2. GlowneyHouse

      There was a time when European nations did apply the Bible to all problems. It is for good reason we call those times the Dark Ages.

    3. comrad_darkness

      Wait, all women are supposed to get their fathers drunk and have sexytime with them??

    4. DahBoner

      "I love Christian music. Always so optimistic and they don't have to pretend they are real musicians."

  4. LetUsBray

    This is one of those jokes that's not really a joke, isn't it? Hucklenuts is trying desperately to shed his rep as the affable, reasonably lucid wingnut.

    1. comrad_darkness

      I believe in its power to make people into narrow-minded loons. Does that count?

  5. LionHeartSoyDog

    At 0.51:
    "And I just wish that every single young person in Amerka would be able to be under his *tootle-edge*."
    What is that, a belly apron?
    Sounds so wrong, somehow.

    1. MiniMencken

      Regarding Sonny-Boy, Wow! Can we go all Stalinist and just liquidate these people as a class? Seems like the prudent thing to do, considerin.' Oh, but, we're not in control! So, uhm, Canada?

  6. SudsMcKenzie

    …. "and don.t forget, Ill be sitting in with Murph and the Magic Tones in the Ramada Lounge later, and tip your waitress, or Ill Fucking Cut you, … for Jeebus."

    1. Negropolis

      "Ill Fucking Cut you, … for Jeebus" is one of those retro country songs, right? Isn't that a Toby Keith cover of an old Johnny Cash song?

  7. undeterredbyreality

    Lemmeseenow: David Lane organizes events that teach people how to go set pull-pits on fire? Sounds like a terr'rrist ta me. Does it ta you?

    Gawd I hope he's not the Lane that makes them comfy recliners, cuz' I'd hate to have to give that up.

    1. Negropolis

      The Urkainian mail-order bridge he keeps chained up in the attic whenever he's out?

      1. mereoblivion

        As someone who commits a typo about every third line, I must thank you: the image of Hushabye sending off to the Ukraine for a bridge will get me through this murky Madison Monday (assuming I do, in fact, get threw it).

    2. DashboardBuddha

      They're watching aliens insert an anal probe in Bubba's ass. That stuff happens all the time in Arkansas.

  8. bumfug

    "And then I'll squeeze your nuts til you accept Jeeezus Keerist as your lord and savior!"

  9. undeterredbyreality

    Damn video cuts off just as Huck's about to discuss the horror stories of American History textbooks. I assume he's going to expound a bit about the Texas chainsaw massacre of facts in favor of the preferred propaganda of the slavery-ending founding fathers and their rebellion in Lexington, New Hampshire.

  10. glamourdammerung

    Too bad he "forgot" about Barton's fantastic work as a "historian" and failed to mention what exactly Barton claims. Especially the parts about the founders of the United States intending a theocratic state. And of course, that the Holocaust did not occur.

  11. mavenmaven

    They protest "liberal bias" in the universities but have little problem espousing violently enforced "re-education" by pseudo-scholars.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      "…violently enforced "re-education" by pseudo-scholars"

      Wasn't this what Bachmann was yammering on about a while back while the census was going on? Funny, I thought her concern was that the liberals were going to do it. My mistake, I guess.

  12. Guppy06

    I admit, his accent does make it sound a lot like "gunpoint," but he actually said "surveyor's mark."

  13. glamourdammerung

    Is the worst part of this that Republicans have to cater to the Holocaust denier crowd to have a chance of winning the primaries?

    Or that he used David Barton instead of "The Andrew Show"?

  14. iburl

    I almost wish that there would be like a simultaneous telecast and all americans would be forced, forced at gunpoint no less, to listen to every made up, myth-based, fully teabagging, theocratic anti-constitutional, insane message, and I think our country would be better for it, I wish it (mmd) happen. I really do.

    Signed,
    Fascist War Machine

  15. BarackMyWorld

    I'm glad so many people take uneducated fools like Barton and Glenn Beck seriously. It's nice to know the 4 years and thousands of dollars I spent getting my B.S. in history were completely wasted.

    I'm not bitter or anything.

      1. Crank_Tango

        I don't know any Englishers, or is it Englishator? Shit, what is the job you would hope to get with that degree?
        Once I did my semester abroad in Paris, I switched my major to French and never looked en arrière….of course I had to get a masters to make any money at it, but hey; a foreign language.

        1. mereoblivion

          "and never looked en arriere" Yep, I read that as "never looked at a derriere" and thought "Then why in blazes did you go to France?"

      2. bflrtsplk

        Hey I got an English Lit degree and I had a fine career in dish washing 'til I got allergic to sponges. Then i switched to mowing lawns 'til I ran over my…

  16. SayItWithWookies

    My momma always told me, "son, don't play cards with a man named Doc, don't lie down with a woman who's got more problems than you, and don't ever vote for a fat preacher from North Louisiana with a diet book for any position of responsibility." I ain't about to disrespect such sound advice.

    1. zhubajie

      My folks never gave me such useful advice. It was more like "don't be too smart; retards are the happiest!"

      1. Jim89048

        I was simply admonished to not aspire to rise above my station. She was right, it's better this way.

    2. BarackMyWorld

      Wait….fat with a diet book….own talk show…trying to become popular by appealing to people who watch TV all day….

      Forget president, Huckabee is on his way to becoming Oprah!

  17. JoshuaNorton

    The Charlie Sheen Comedy Death March will need a new opening act pretty soon. Maybe Huck should submit an audition tape. What he's jabbering on about is way funnier than anything coming out of Charlie's mouth.

  18. SheriffRoscoe

    Guns to the head because the message is that awesome? David Barton, I hope you enjoy flattery.

  19. TanzbodenKoenig

    And you know who else held guns to peoples heads and forced them to listen to state sanctioned radio stations?

  20. Manhattan123

    I'm always fascinated by the folks who say Huckabee is the "likable" Republican candidate. On what planet is this turd likable? Ok, granted the people he's being compared to are Gingrich, Romney, Palin, etc. – but I think calling him likable is stretching the definition.

    1. zhubajie

      I suppose he can be charming in the way all politicians are charming. That doesn't mean he should be trusted with even the least bit of power!

    2. Andrew Drinker

      Do people still call him that? In late 2007 and early 2008, he was the "likable" candidate because he wasn't taking part in the poo-flinging between McCain and Romney, and he was really good at smiling and making very simple sweeping generalizations into cute little one-liners, à la Zombie Ronald Reagan.

  21. ZangoCrudmonger

    At 1:30, 5 o'clock from Huck….Rod Stewart, or his hair, at least. Young hearts, be free tonight.

  22. wok3

    Remember how the conservatives freaked out that president Obama had a televised speech for classrooms, and people wanted to exclude their kids from that? For some odd reason, that seemed much less offensive to me than having a gun pointed at my head.

    1. tessiee

      "Remember how the conservatives freaked out that president Obama had a televised speech for classrooms"

      *robotic monotone voice* Good afternoon, Mother. Good afternoon, Father. Nothing happened during my uneventful day at school.

  23. wehojoel

    Since I skipped right to the moment I have no idea what he said but I can only agree that yes American's should be forced at gunpoint to workout at the local David Barton Gym. Of course most American's won't be able to afford to join a David Barton Gym but don't worry it's in Obamacare 2.0. Just wait.

  24. schvitzatura

    New and Improved™! Talibangical Charismatic Christian Tomás de Torquemada, now with extra firepower!

  25. Come here a minute

    I'm coming around to supporting Huckabee now that I've seen his running mate.

  26. Goonemeritus

    Guns to the head don’t kill people, pissed off preachers kill people. Guns just make it convenient.

  27. schvitzatura

    (Howard) Dean's "Scream" ain't got nothin' on this mushroom-cloud layin' mofo!

    Even Palin would have Flunkabee's latest soundbite looped during Replunklican primary season…

  28. skyshoes

    As a Christian I would like to say one thing. It is a blessing we have Ken Layne amongst us. May God bless him.

    "-our national heritage of illiterate preachers going from town to town trying to rile up the yokels enough to fill the “love offering” buckets and fill up the Lincoln Continental and pay off the hookers and the hooch man and get across the state line before the sheriff figures out what happened."

    I nearly pissed my pants. Sorry hipsters LOL. (still)

  29. littlebigdaddy

    So the R's big tent is now the size of a boy scout's pup tent–the one in which he gets ass-fucked by his bible-thumping, tea-tard scout leader.

  30. Negropolis

    so of course he is pandering wildly to the fringe “Christian Supremacist” bible-college nutters who are the true heirs to our national heritage of illiterate preachers going from town to town trying to rile up the yokels enough to fill the “love offering” buckets and fill up the Lincoln Continental and pay off the hookers and the hooch man and get across the state line before the sheriff figures out what happened.

    I love how incredibly accurate you are in summarizing groups in just a few sentences. I mean, if this ain't the truth. The only difference, these days, is that lots of meth is involved, as well as non-profit charity fronts for the sake of the appearance of sophistication.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      "summarizing groups in just a few sentences."

      Or better yet, in one long sort-of run-on sentence.

  31. tcaalaw

    the 24-hour channel devoted to the insane historical fiction of dingbat weirdo David Barton

    I'll wait for the 24-hour channel devoted to Mischa Barton, thank you.

      1. MiniMencken

        Down here in the Lone Star State, we'll be holding out for Beans Barton and the Bipeds.

  32. joobajooba

    How "effective" a communicator (Huckabee's words) is this Barton, if you have to use a gun to get people to listen to him?

  33. MrFizzy

    It looks like the Huck-o-lator and the dog are holding an empty-stare contest. Mikey's drooling a bit more, so I think it goes to him.

  34. 4tehlulz_lite

    Man. Terry Jones at least had a trial for the Koran before he executed it.

    Huck is hardcore.

    1. comrad_darkness

      That was the very first round of Reagan's budget cuts, lo those years ago. It was a damn clever plan, turns out. Bastard.

  35. randcoolcatdaddy

    Well…looks like extremist Christian fundamentalists have found something they can agree on with extremist atheist Marxist fundamentalists and extremist Muslim fundamentalists … Ain't it just a happy little world we live in?

  36. Pragmatist2

    This reminds me – I hav been looking for a picture of Jesus wearing camo to hang in my garage. Can't find one – even on Ebay. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
    A photo would be best.

    1. Steverino247

      Yeah, but you have to get two priests to scream that 17 times each just to get a bed to start to move, so we all better yell that all fucking day to get the economy moving.

    2. mereoblivion

      Oh, the power of Christ! I thought they were yellin' sump'n about letting Streisand command you.

  37. donner_froh

    There is already an organization that works to apply the bible to every aspect of the culture. You will find this on their website:

    Welcome to the Ku Klux Klan. Bringing a Message of Hope and Deliverance to White Christian America! A Message of Love NOT Hate!

  38. weejee

    Ahhh, the beloved People for the American Way (PFAW) posted the tape. When your campaign is over what do you do with the left over dollahs? Well Xtine O'Donnell used them for rent, donuts, and dildos. Mo Udall used his as a seed to start PFAW. Thanks Mo.

  39. JustPixelz

    The audience applauded "forced at gunpoint". I assume the government would run this with the compassion of the Inquisition and the efficiency of the Soviet Union. But at least we now know Huckster's audience doesn't believe there is a constitutional impediment to something less coercive, like a health insurance opt-out fee.

  40. ttommyunger

    Note the rope around the dog's neck. Out of frame is psychopathic son #2 preparing to push the pup off the crate. Could not bring myself to watch the clip. I'm assuming it portrays the Huckster of performing his favorite miracle: turning ordinary food into adipose tissue… Considering the fact the Huck shares Ron Christie's eye problem, I'm surprised he doesn't hunt with two guns, just to be sure.

  41. Dudleydidwrong

    "It is not an enviable position to follow David Barton" because his farts smell really, really bad. David Barton discussing history is like Huck and Sarah and The Newt discussing global warming. As an atheist I will stand against the forces of evil and injustice in the name of this Jesus feller who wants us to watch TV at gunpoint. I regret that I have but one life to give for my remote.

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