IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA  9:19 am April 1, 2011

Nuclear Crisis Plan B: Bury Japan In Concrete

by Riley Waggaman

April Fools?

  • Conditions at the Fukushima Daiichi plant are worsening by the day, and the general consensus seems to be that the plant’s damaged nuclear reactors are beyond repair. Remember when Japan was dumping helicopter-loads of water on the plant, to “cool down” the reactors? Ha-ha, there’s been a slight change of plans. Officials have requested the world’s largest concrete pump, which is being hastily flown from Atlanta, and then they are going to bury the reactors in concrete. Disaster averted! Meanwhile, the workers who are still at the scene have to share radiation-detection devices — meaning often times they have no idea how much radiation they are being exposed to — and they also sleep on the floor, with “only one blanket each to wrap themselves around.” Many of these selfless workers are expected to die. Anyway … Happy April 1st jokes and pranks day! [ABC]
  • “Austrian authorities say they’ve arrested a man suspected of robbing a series of banks while wearing a Barack Obama mask.” [AP]
  • “Only” 32,788 people were killed in traffic accidents in 2010 — the fewest automobile-related deaths since 1949! (But that’s still like ten 911s. And that number does not include “diabetes-related Drive Thru fatalities.”) [NYT]
 
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{ 113 comments }

BaldarTFlagass April 1, 2011 at 9:20 am

“Austrian authorities say they’ve arrested a man suspected of robbing a series of banks while wearing a Barack Obama mask.”

I thought Patrick Swayze was dead?

samsuncle April 1, 2011 at 9:47 am

I'm sure Fox News will have fun with that one.

BaldarTFlagass April 1, 2011 at 9:22 am

I'm very happy to add to the vast storehouse of useless information that I keep in my brain that the largest concrete pump in the world resides in Atlanta. I'm sure that's a point of civic pride, too.

ManchuCandidate April 1, 2011 at 9:37 am

Just like the Coca Cola bottling plant and the Airport.

HELisforHEL April 1, 2011 at 10:55 am

Good gawd I hate that fukkin' airport.

Terry April 1, 2011 at 11:32 am

…and CNN

Chet Kincaid April 1, 2011 at 1:34 pm

…a giant concrete pump of insight.

not that Dewey April 1, 2011 at 10:23 am

But didn't China offer a machine that could spew concrete 5 stories into the air? It seems as though they should fill the air with concrete, since that's where the radiation is now.

Swampgas_Man April 1, 2011 at 11:24 am

Only works if they can make the concrete STAY in the air, instead of coming down and clonking radiation workers/zombies in the head.

Terry April 1, 2011 at 11:33 am

Yeah, but in doing so, the Chinese machine creates three other ecological disasters and kills a few hundred children and babies.

not that Dewey April 1, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Oh, that.

natoslug April 1, 2011 at 10:31 am

I took what was probably the largest dump of my life during my one visit to Atlanta. I don't think the various restaurants that contributed to it showed any civic pride over it, though.

CapeClod April 1, 2011 at 9:24 am

Hard to come up with snark after that first story. And we just had a report this morning that the Pilgrim reactor plant has ten times more spent fuel rods on site than it was meant to carry. Happy April Fools Day.

KenLayIsAlive April 1, 2011 at 9:32 am

Not to worry. Don't let those crazy nuts at greenpeace fool you, if there is one thing we have learned over the years it is that nuclear power is completely safe and nothing could possiblie go wrong.
.
.
.
.
.
april fools. run for your life.

CapeClod April 1, 2011 at 9:48 am

The other thing we have learned is that private corporations would never compromise on safety issues merely to increase their profitability.

Ha! That's a good one!

freakishlywrong April 1, 2011 at 9:24 am

Screw concrete. Bury those reactors with the hundreds of thousands of teatards that showed up yesterday in D.C. Oh, a couple hundred? Still ok. That much corn syrup could bury anything.

HELisforHEL April 1, 2011 at 10:57 am

That's the best idea yet. 2 problems solved!

The_Great_Gazoo April 1, 2011 at 9:24 am

Have they tried a top hat? A junk shot? A larger top hat?

Fukui_san[$ df -k] April 1, 2011 at 9:34 am

Masataka Shimizu just wants his life back.

trampndirtdown April 1, 2011 at 10:11 am

So do those men and women working in that plant. Heroes all.

KenLayIsAlive April 1, 2011 at 10:41 am

a useless withered junk shot?

Fukui_san[$ df -k] April 1, 2011 at 10:50 am

Newt Gingrich?

jqheywood April 1, 2011 at 1:20 pm

FTW!

Swampgas_Man April 1, 2011 at 11:25 am

Tails and a pink lapel, maybe a big candy cane?

Jim89048 April 1, 2011 at 11:52 am

Come on, this is Asia we're talking about–coolie hat or nothing!

mayor_quimby April 1, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Remember when we all had to learn those stupid terms? That sucked. I'm glad everything is wonderful in the Gulf now.
Hooraaayyy!

V572del c:/*.* y/n? April 1, 2011 at 9:25 am

Burying things in concrete seems full of possibilities. Couldn't we divert that pumper to Madison?

LabRodent April 1, 2011 at 9:26 am

If I hear another co-worker say April FOOOOL. Im gonna make world news tonight.

freakishlywrong April 1, 2011 at 9:32 am

Oh God. That and the whole "you're not wearing green!" on St. Patrick's. Fuck you, co-worker, I BLEED green.

undeterredbyreality April 1, 2011 at 10:29 am

Spock? Is that you?

HELisforHEL April 1, 2011 at 11:01 am

I have the same aversion to the Green Thing; but that stems from my being chastised by my teachers and peers in Elementary school for not wearing it on St. Pat's Day. Even then I figured "WTF I'm Italian and German–howsabout I wear a necklace of garlic and carry a stein instead?"
I suppose that's what happens when you grow up on an endless diet of Mad Magazine.

SorosBot April 1, 2011 at 9:29 am

Less people have jobs, so less people drive to work, and less people die in car accidents; see there's an upside to unemployment!

(I have no idea what the article's reasoning is for that, since I'm not paying $35/month to read it).

trampndirtdown April 1, 2011 at 10:13 am

Bad news if you're waiting for an organ transplant. Them diabetes livers aint no good.

tcaalaw April 1, 2011 at 9:30 am

“Austrian authorities say they’ve arrested a man suspected of robbing a series of banks while wearing a Barack Obama mask.”

That makes me think of the immortal line, "I'm Al Haig, bitches!" from a Point Break parody on Code Monkeys.

baconzgood April 1, 2011 at 9:31 am

Since it's April Fool's Day does that mean Faux Noose will actually report a credible story?

PublicLuxury April 1, 2011 at 9:32 am

Will someone please think of the Sushi? Who cares about these guys laying in a radioactive hell hole without proper safety detection devices and a blanket? Boo Hoo. We all die eventually, so what is the big deal. Corporations know best.

KenLayIsAlive April 1, 2011 at 9:37 am

I personally would hate to die from an overdose of toxic shrimp without thinking that someone, somewhere, wasn't profiting from it.

MildMidwesterner April 1, 2011 at 9:35 am

"and then they are going to bury the reactors in concrete. Disaster averted!"

Didn't BP try something like this last summer?

教授 Zoom April 1, 2011 at 10:56 am

Remember when some brilliant minds on the internet were suggesting that we should use a nuclear bomb to close off the BP oil leak? Allow me to be the first to propose that we pump the Fukushima Daiichi plant full of heavy crude oil. For SCIENCE!

comptoneffect April 1, 2011 at 12:54 pm

And the circle of life um, death actually, is complete.

Serolf_Divad April 1, 2011 at 9:37 am

How do you fit that many people in a 911? I mean, the rear seats are a cruel joke unless you're sized like a garden gnome.

MildMidwesterner April 1, 2011 at 9:50 am

Not a problem. Most Porsche drivers are pretty small… if you know what I mean.

undeterredbyreality April 1, 2011 at 10:32 am

You know the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche driver, right?

MildMidwesterner April 1, 2011 at 11:02 am

Porcupines have pricks on the outside! Zing!

jqheywood April 1, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Like Richard Hammond, for example

PsycWench April 1, 2011 at 9:38 am

I guess it's good that the world's largest concrete pump is being hastily flown in from Atlanta, but how hastily can one fly the world's largest concrete pump?

BaldarTFlagass April 1, 2011 at 9:44 am

Don't tell anyone, but the Air Force has a double-secret aircraft that combines the speed of the Mach 3-plus SR-71 Blackbird spy plane and the 135-ton airlift capability of the C-5B Galaxy. Your tax dollars at work!!!

KenLayIsAlive April 1, 2011 at 9:59 am

Are you referring to the SX-99 Boondoggle?

V572..whatever April 1, 2011 at 10:04 am

If you were a Boeing shareholder, you'd see it entirely differently!

weejee April 1, 2011 at 10:06 am

Sounds like a lead Zeppelin, or is it lede, or maybe led?

DashboardBuddha April 1, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Or perhaps a Dread Zeppelin

Terry April 1, 2011 at 11:35 am

Mothra is flying it over.

V572del c:/*.* y/n? April 1, 2011 at 9:38 am

Don't ever Bushroll anyone like that again.

widestanceroman April 1, 2011 at 9:39 am

After starting yesterday with poop n' maggots, and ending with a dead rat in a filthy toilet, this is almost perky.

What I don't know about nuclear fuel management already fills every book on the subject, but doesn't it seem odd that early efforts involved basically tossing ocean mud into the reactors–as was done with the burning oil rig in the Gulf? It just seems like something a kid would do to cover up the fact that he broke something.

HELisforHEL April 1, 2011 at 11:04 am

Exactly.

Mumbletypeg April 1, 2011 at 9:40 am

From the NYT:

driving is getting much, much safer

Erroneous conclusions based on a reversal of trend — not to mention badly phrased (akin to: increase in arresting/ incarcerating dealers = "winning the war on drugs", or: inflated standardized test score results = "Our kids are getting smarter!") — make it clear what I won't be missing when I opt out of subscriptions to such lameness. Way to put the "Fool" in April Fool's New York Times! And thanks for giving me the chance to say that to someone today, which I was looking forward to.

PsycWench April 1, 2011 at 9:43 am

Skeptic. Americans are getting fatter so they need bigger cars. Bigger cars = more steel = more protection = less deaths. See, obesity saves lives and Michelle Obama is truly trying to kill us all.
If Fox news goes with this line of logic, remember that you saw it here first.

V572..whatever April 1, 2011 at 9:50 am

God help us if anyone ever does a rigorous cost-benefit analysis of insulin or statins or tamoxifen or other drugs Big Pharma artfully designs to keep you alive but still sick and consuming expensive pharmaceuticals longer.

prommie April 1, 2011 at 10:04 am

There ain't no money in a cure, the money is in medicine. . .

weejee April 1, 2011 at 10:07 am

Stick with the basics. Coffee and single malt.

arcane_allusion April 1, 2011 at 10:15 am

no snark here, but personally I'm more than happy to have my HMO pay whatever they have to for my wife's 5-year course of tamoxifen. It's mostly to make sure all the other insanely expensive drugs and blood products actually kicked the crap out of the bad cells.

Looking at the bills you'd be surprised how cheap some of those drugs are. You'd also be surprised at how not cheap others are.

When I look at the bills I'm glad that we're some of the very lucky ones that have good jobs and good insurance. First, because that allows us access to those drugs and services. Without access she'd surely be dead now.

Distant second, we don't have to pay for the entire thing out of pocket. Otherwise, we'd join the throngs of others that go bankrupt to pay medical bills. Or as the republicans would say because we were too lazy to work.

V572..whatever April 1, 2011 at 10:17 am

Lost my ex to breast cancer so concur w/o snark. But if men got it as often as women, there'd be a $10 pill to fix it, the way there is for limp dicks.

HELisforHEL April 1, 2011 at 11:07 am

Well said.

And all the best thoughts to you & your wife.

undeterredbyreality April 1, 2011 at 10:38 am

Bring back the '49 Packard: http://bit.ly/eLzn5r

BaldarTFlagass April 1, 2011 at 9:40 am

I guess I should be glad that the Dept of Defense firewall blocked that for me?

V572del c:/*.* y/n? April 1, 2011 at 9:43 am

Chimpy in a jester/fool’s hat. They still love him at the Pentagon.

el_donaldo April 1, 2011 at 9:40 am

World's largest concrete pump? I'd check with Clarence Thomas – he's velvet-covered cement and he's a tool. Might work.

PsycWench April 1, 2011 at 9:41 am

Hell no.

weejee April 1, 2011 at 9:50 am

لا الجحيم

Come here a minute April 1, 2011 at 10:03 am

Uterus no.

DaRooster April 1, 2011 at 10:40 am

YES!

(APRIL FOOL!… for you Lab… go get 'em)

mereoblivion April 1, 2011 at 9:48 am

But if we don't attend their funeral, they won't attend ours!

PublicLuxury April 1, 2011 at 9:56 am

Radioactive stuff is good for you. Ann Coulter said, so I believe. Ann would never steer us wrong. She has studied every possible profession and has advaced degrees in them ALL. She literaly knows everything. She hasn't run for president because it is beneath her.

V572..whatever April 1, 2011 at 9:59 am

Plus she went to the University of Michigan!

Barbara_i April 1, 2011 at 10:04 am

The only thing "beneath her" is a rather large set of testicles that she has to keep stuffing back into that ratty looking leather skirt that she wears to every TV appearance.

Chet Kincaid April 1, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Maybe if we all gather 'round the reactor, read your comment and projectile-vomit, we could cover the radiation in one swell foop!

freakishlywrong April 1, 2011 at 10:09 am

Maybe that's why it's Adam's apple is the size of a watermelon. Radiation!

jonzin April 1, 2011 at 10:54 am

I bet it is good for you, if you are a 6'5" woman looking to grow a penis because no man in his right mind would share his with you. I wouldn't fuck Ann Coulter with Gohmert Pyle's dick.

DashboardBuddha April 1, 2011 at 2:59 pm

"because it is beneath her. "

She's a top?

HolyCow!! April 1, 2011 at 9:56 am

Yes, but where is Godzilla?

freakishlywrong April 1, 2011 at 10:09 am

And where the hell is my flying car?

Ruhe April 1, 2011 at 10:18 am

Charles Barkley killed him.

Swampgas_Man April 1, 2011 at 11:32 am

He's back in last month, where that joke originated and belongs.

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum April 1, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Playing for Oakland this year.

gurukalehuru April 1, 2011 at 10:05 am

Police official Markus Mitloehner said Friday the unidentified man has confessed to the robberies.

What unidentified? He was wearing a Barack Obama mask. That's not good enough for ya, dumpkopfen Osterreichen polizieren?

proudgrampa April 1, 2011 at 10:06 am

I, for one, welcome our new Glow-in-the-Dark Sushi Menu. Hell, nobody even cares about the Mercury levels, anymore!

We ARE freakin' doomed.

And yes, I have already started drinking this morning, thank you very much! There is scientific evidence that it counteracts radiation exposure. April Fooles!

DaSandman April 1, 2011 at 10:06 am

Why can't we wrap Meghan McCain's big titties around the reactors and save some lives?

Chet Kincaid April 1, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Oh, you just wanted to think about them!

Ruhe April 1, 2011 at 10:14 am

The reason for the drop in traffic fatalities is obvious. That statistic spiked last year due to the prevalence of texting-while-driving (and sexting-while-driving) accidents. But now, having had a year more to practice, most Americans are such proficient texters that they can in fact text each other warnings when car accidents are imminent such as "gt out my lne ahole!!!! no srsly!"

gurukalehuru April 1, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Either that or Darwin's law kicked in and all those who weren't capable of TWD took themselves out of the equation.

randcoolcatdaddy April 1, 2011 at 10:17 am

Donald Trump's in Austria now?

P_Drizzle April 1, 2011 at 10:17 am

In totally unrelated news, the job report is out. And I love job reports. When they're good, you drink. When they're bad, you drink more!

LiveToServeYa April 1, 2011 at 10:25 am

The world's largest concrete pimp? I don't think it exists.

DaRooster April 1, 2011 at 10:43 am

The world's largest concrete pimp…

… is hard for all his ladies.

Bam!

Bezoar April 1, 2011 at 10:48 am

Actually, burial in concrete was always Plan A; they were just reluctant to acknowledge that before.

Troubledog April 1, 2011 at 10:50 am

Concrete is also good for fixing problems with union members. It's like a calm gray sense of reason.

DaRooster April 1, 2011 at 10:52 am

All you Liberals need to get one thing straight. Capitalism is the best thing to ever hit this planet. Sure corporations make a lot of money but they also do provide a good income for millions of American people. They consistently look for cleaner and better ways to do this by taking an in depth look at their practices on a regular basis and re-evaluating their actions. Without corporations the world would be a dark and dim place and we truly would have no real reason to go on. Thank you capitalism.

April Fool? Fuckin' Rat Bastards!

MinAgain April 1, 2011 at 10:54 am

Austrian authorities say they’ve arrested a man suspected of robbing a series of banks while wearing a Barack Obama mask.

I do love a criminal with a sense of irony.

bumfug April 1, 2011 at 11:06 am

Clever guy! When you're in Austria, nothing blends in like a black bank robber.

Oblios_Cap April 1, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Well, he is a criminal like all the rest of them.

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 1, 2011 at 11:49 am

“Only” 32,788 people were killed in traffic accidents in 2010

Analyst had been projecting over 40,000. Some of you are not trying.

Avec respect George Carlin.

crybabyboehner April 1, 2011 at 11:52 am

Taking the concrete pump from Atlanta is like ripping the heart out of a person.

littlebigdaddy April 1, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Is it a Putzmeister? I am srs, that is a brand of cement pump. (Putz=dick, for those mit keine Deutsche).

Chet Kincaid April 1, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Already on it, dude! There's putzes. And there's Putzmeisters.®
http://www.pmw.de/cps/rde/xchg/pm_online/hs.xsl/9
http://www.putzmeisteramerica.com/

OneDollarJuana April 1, 2011 at 12:31 pm

Maybe the concrete will kind of squish the "white-hot puddles of molten steel/uranium/zirconium/plutonium" around enough so they get solid and just hot enough to bake pizza. The Chernobyl solution (TM). In this case (and future cases, of course) it's sorta like " if you can't move toxic molten mass Mohamed to the mountain concrete, move the mountain (of concrete) totoxic molten mass Mohamed.

(oh, shit. I made a funny with Mohamed's name in it. Now there's gonna be a fatwah or some bs on my head)

OneDollarJuana April 1, 2011 at 12:46 pm

American authorities say they wished they would have arrested the banks suspected of robbing a series of men while wearing Barack Obama economics adviser team masks.

Gopherit April 1, 2011 at 12:51 pm

I have no snark about those poor bastards in Fukushima. This is Chernobyl X 5 and you are seeing some real life heroic shit going on there. They are saving lives at the cost of their own. The motherfucking directors of tepco should have to go and help. Their cutting corners all but guaranteed this would happen some day.

vulpes82 April 1, 2011 at 4:49 pm

Yes, those workers are beyond heroic, because they ARE going to die, and a lot sooner than they would have/should have. Japan should be proud.

EdFlintstone April 1, 2011 at 1:18 pm

If I go to Kos and read one more nuclear mothership, from some idiot with a physics degree, telling everyone how everything is contained and just peachy, I'm gonna choke somone.

ShaveTheWhales April 1, 2011 at 6:10 pm

Well, here's an idiot with a physics degree (admittedly antique) right here on Wonkette.

Although I hope that my opinion — that the the creeping driblets of news that ooze from the Japanese Panic Management Bureau have finally convinced me that at least the Fukushima region is in deepening shit — doesn't serve to trigger your choke reflex.

The worst driblet I've seen is that they're now admitting to detecting cesium-137 in the water, and in the ocean. As you may know, the half-life of radio-iodine is about 8 days, which means that if it doesn't reach you for, say, two months after it's created, its radioactivity will have dropped by a factor of 150 or so. While still dangerous, at least its concentration up the food chain is counteracted by its rapid decay.

Cesium-137, on the other hand, has a half-life of 30 years, so it is eminently capable of being accumulated, which significantly raises the probability of self-searing ahi.

Gopherit April 1, 2011 at 9:05 pm

Hermano! Physics degrees represent! And yes, they are screwed. All evidence points to more than one breached reactor, multiple criticality incidences, and widespread contamination of all sorts. I really feel for those technicians.

EdFlintstone April 1, 2011 at 2:59 pm

The speed of edit faster than snark.

ShaveTheWhales April 1, 2011 at 6:12 pm

Hey Waggs, the linkie you have for the concrete-spewer is the wrong one, although a fascinating read in itself (synopsis: The Wisconsin Department of Administration lies).

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