In Jesus name we do pray, amenz. Aloha, unrepentant liberals! ‘Tis I, your noble weekly columnist, showing up for work for frigging once. I’ve been writing a book so as to pay the bills in this roaring U.S. economy. Bills are of course the toasters in the bathtub of the world, and my fear of them is commensurate only with my love for President Barack Obama, the subject of this brilliant column. Read on, and learn more about the saintly he-man to whom none of us will ever measure up.

Way back on Friday, March 25, Barack Obama finally learned about his native Libya from his teevee and also from the secret-agent men who are stationed there giving money/guns to everybody. He made the airplane soldiers go there on Navy boats, because they do not have enough to do in other parts of the Middle East. Also, it was National Medal of Honor day. Does Cap’n Crunch have one of these things? They hand them out like Ritalin to babies.

This week, on Monday, he went to some high school in D.C. to talk with Latinos, as if they matter. That night, he talked more about THE LIBYANS!!!! who absolutely DO matter, because they have a giant white van and they are trying to steal Doc’s technology! Ugh, now we have to give a shit about this nation, too? Isn’t it enough that we gave a shit about Japan for a week?

On Tuesday, Barry went to New York to hang out at the American Museum of National History BECAUSE IT’S HAVING A SCIENCE FAIR OF FUCKING COURSE. JESUS CHRIST, THIS GUY WITH THE SCIENCE FAIRS. He even said, “Whenever I get a chance to go to a science fair, I go.” Yeah, WE KNOW. Go to a fucking basketball game, where the cool, sexually-active kids hang out.

On Wednesday, he went to visit the white baseball cap-wearing date rapist trustafarians at Georgetown and said some stuff about green things and jibba-JOBS, muthafucka! He announced a new goal, because he is never not announcing new goals. I did not pay attention to what the new goal was, because I did not care. I was busy looking at his sensual lips and handsome bone structure.

Please note the end of this week’s West Wing Week, at around 5:54, when Official White House Videographer Arun Chaudhary includes an adorable outtake of Chuck Todd making fun of him, as if CHUCK FUCKING TODD has any right to make fun of Our Arun! Where the fuck was Jake “Sudeikis” Tapper on this one? He would have come to Arun’s aid, because he is good and righteous like Solomon (Burke, not King Solomon, you fucking Jews.)

That’s all for the Barack Obama portion of this week’s column. I shall spend the weekend recording new episodes of my podcast. Then on Monday night I am hosting a rock and roll benefit for Planned Parenthood at the Bowery Ballroom in New York City. Come if you hate babies and/or love Thao with the Get Down Stay Down, you hipster! FIN.

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  • BarackMyWorld

    We welcome you back with open arms and open zippers.

    • natoslug

      As someone who just spent the past 24 hours with projectile vomiting and diarrhea, I had to welcome her back with a round of dry heaves and some keening moans.

      • sarabenincasa

        Stop. You're making me hard.

        • natoslug

          If you think THAT's sexy, you should see my dance moves. I've almost got the rhythm of Navin R. Johnson.

          [ edit: Is there any chance your podcast will be available on Miro, or only iTunes? Some of us are still trying to cling to our socialist open-source music/video applications, which precludes the use of iTunes. Or, I supposed I could quit being such a lazy fuck and remember to click back to your site. ]

        • lulzmonger

          "Become hard!"

          – Friedrich Nietzsche

  • Bills are of course the toasters in the bathtub of the world

    And I thought it was impossible to love you more than I already do.

  • El Pinche

    That Planned Parenthood benefit conflicts with my abortion party – there's going to be pinatas filled with many little surprises!

  • not that Dewey

    It's about fucking time.

  • fuflans

    oh sara, clearly you have been immersed in something joyless if the worst you hurl at us is 'unrepentant liberals'.

    however, it is very good to have you back and thank you for 'his sensual lips and handsome bone structure'.

    • sarabenincasa

      I'm trying to be nicer to you shitfucks. Because of Hope.

      • Negropolis

        "Because of Hope", eh? Looks like the CW just found their next series about misunderstood, angst-ridden, perfectly coiffed teens trying to escape the bounds of their small towns. But, this town has disturbing secrets, and the trees talk…

  • pukebot

    wormer, he's a dead man! marmalard, dead! chuck fucking todd, dead, neidermeyer…

  • Radiotherapy

    Sara, you must really like the prez's new tough persona: The Barack Hawk.

  • gullywompr

    Only six "fucks"? And not one of them aimed at us? I hardly feel degraded at all. Don't make me beg, Sara.

    Oh… I see what you did there. Damn how I love you.

  • The_Great_Gazoo

    Does it suck to be more preoccupied with Labia than with Libya?

    • SayItWithWookies

      If you're doing it right.

      • The_Great_Gazoo

        I dunno. My technique (and aim) might be better appreciated in Libya.

        • Doktor Zoom

          Weapons of Mass Dysfunction?

    • ttommyunger

      Don't neglect the clit, dummy!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Yay Planned Parenthood. They're the NPR of abortions. Okay, they're probably not running out and trademarking that right now, but I meant that in a good way.

    • [redacted]hse

      Maybe "the Chamber of Commerce" of abortion?

    • V572..whatever

      Who's their Cokie Roberts? Who's their Scott Simon? Do they have a show called "Wait Wait, Don't Abort Me?" A Saturday morning show called "Vadge Talk" with D&C?

      Are these "jokes" in terrible taste?

      • Flashcard pics of Terry Gross and the fetus aborts itself.

  • I hope Sara's not going soft, this felt way less emotionally abusive than usual. Needz moar word-rape, mistress!

    And I mean that special Benincasa emotional abuse, not the "Everything is horrible, kill yourselves now" nihilism Layne's been dishing out like watery broth at a homeless shelter lately.

    • Negropolis

      Between craving emotional abuse and psychological abuse, we sure are a sick bunch.

    • V572..whatever

      I like it when Sara rapes us with her mouth like Letterman did to Bristol or another of the many Palins! Or keyboard in this case.

      • sarabenincasa

        Awww. I'm putting that quote on my Christmas card this year.

        • V572..whatever


  • DownFist Troll

    Oh My God! If we combined the mighty power of abortion with time traveling deloreans we could abort Hitler! (not to mention a whole bunch of other people too)

    Also, glad you're back with us!

  • Negropolis

    Yo, Ms. Benincasa, Imma let you finish, but Rebacca Black did the best countdown and/or recap of the week evah. Friday, Friday, Friday, indeed.

    Suck it, Carson Daly and Letterman.

    • Negropolis

      But, seriously Sarah, we missed you.

  • zappadoo76

    Now I understand the war in Libya. Our Libyan overlord, Saddam Hussein Obama, wants to take back his home country.

    • HistoriCat

      Sounds like he's going to go back 30 years and give someone (himself?) a little courage-boosting pep talk. As long as he can steer clear of romantic entanglement with his mom, everything should be OK.

  • JackObin

    How was George Bush's week? I hear he was seen doin' blow off Pickles' rather large buttocks. I find ex-Preznit's lives so much more compelling.

  • TanzbodenKoenig

    Please ma'am may I have another!

  • Barbara_i

    Good luck with your rock and roll party for Planned Parenthood. I appreciate that you are keeping Margaret Sanger's sick vision alive. I don't want to be fitted with the government issued chastity belt, aka "labor saving device" It doesn't look good under skinny jeans and I have the worst habit of losing keys. I don't know about you Sara, but my "Miss Mookie" gets kinda claustrophobic, especially with the men folk and the booze, sweet booze around.

    • Doktor Zoom

      You see, it's wantons like you that make it clear why that whole "women's lib" thing was a bad thing for America. Now you just get your pants back on right now, missy. I mean it. Stop tempting Godly upstanding males with your filthy curves and mammalian protruberances.

  • PublicLuxury

    Chuck Todd is a boil on the ass of his very own penis, or something.

  • Lazy Media

    Needz moar Michele Bachmann videos.

  • riverside68

    She had me at Aloha

  • Fare la Volpe

    Dearest Sara, I just wanted to say I'm absolutely in love with Sex & Other Human Activities. You and Marcus make a fabulous comedy duo (it helps you're both sexy beasts), and yes, I did cry like a baby during the Doctor Who discussion. The ending of that Van Gogh piece always gets to me.

    Keep up the fantastic work, and answer some of my Formspring questions, dammit.

    • sarabenincasa

      Thanks, baby!

  • Breitbart twink

    Ahh… that's the stuff.

  • ttommyunger

    "…handsome bone structure." Yes, Sarah, and we all know which "bone" you're talking about, don't we?

    • PublicLuxury

      Come On Tommy, bury the bone already

      • ttommyunger

        Wait for it…

  • Sarah, I'm in love. I want you to be the mother of my aborted children.

  • PublicLuxury

    Have a happy period, Sara.

    • sarabenincasa

      I actually have such cramps right now. I will blog openly about my vagina.

      • lulzmonger

        *opens screencap*
        F5 F5 F5 F5 F5

  • user-of-owls

    now we have to give a shit about this nation, too?

    Remember, there are no strange countries, only colonies haven't established yet.

    • sarabenincasa

      HAHA win.

  • sarabenincasa

    BTW, scamps, this is a Michele Bachmann vlog from last week.

  • More F-bombs than a sailor on shore leave with menstrual cramps. Just sayin'

    • Negropolis

      I think the PC term is "sailoress."

      • I think in Sara's case it is "sailoratrix."

  • voodooeconomics

    Can't wait for your bill-paying book. On a quick summary how many times has those blessed pages been honored by the word f u c k. That could the key to success.

    • damn trolls! Shoo! leave voodoo alone!!!

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