The Libyans Won’t Steal Barry’s DeLorean

Aloha, unrepentant liberals! ‘Tis I, your noble weekly columnist, showing up for work for frigging once. I’ve been writing a book so as to pay the bills in this roaring U.S. economy. Bills are of course the toasters in the bathtub of the world, and my fear of them is commensurate only with my love for President Barack Obama, the subject of this brilliant column. Read on, and learn more about the saintly he-man to whom none of us will ever measure up.

Way back on Friday, March 25, Barack Obama finally learned about his native Libya from his teevee and also from the secret-agent men who are stationed there giving money/guns to everybody. He made the airplane soldiers go there on Navy boats, because they do not have enough to do in other parts of the Middle East. Also, it was National Medal of Honor day. Does Cap’n Crunch have one of these things? They hand them out like Ritalin to babies.

This week, on Monday, he went to some high school in D.C. to talk with Latinos, as if they matter. That night, he talked more about THE LIBYANS!!!! who absolutely DO matter, because they have a giant white van and they are trying to steal Doc’s technology! Ugh, now we have to give a shit about this nation, too? Isn’t it enough that we gave a shit about Japan for a week?

On Tuesday, Barry went to New York to hang out at the American Museum of National History BECAUSE IT’S HAVING A SCIENCE FAIR OF FUCKING COURSE. JESUS CHRIST, THIS GUY WITH THE SCIENCE FAIRS. He even said, “Whenever I get a chance to go to a science fair, I go.” Yeah, WE KNOW. Go to a fucking basketball game, where the cool, sexually-active kids hang out.

On Wednesday, he went to visit the white baseball cap-wearing date rapist trustafarians at Georgetown and said some stuff about green things and jibba-JOBS, muthafucka! He announced a new goal, because he is never not announcing new goals. I did not pay attention to what the new goal was, because I did not care. I was busy looking at his sensual lips and handsome bone structure.

Please note the end of this week’s West Wing Week, at around 5:54, when Official White House Videographer Arun Chaudhary includes an adorable outtake of Chuck Todd making fun of him, as if CHUCK FUCKING TODD has any right to make fun of Our Arun! Where the fuck was Jake “Sudeikis” Tapper on this one? He would have come to Arun’s aid, because he is good and righteous like Solomon (Burke, not King Solomon, you fucking Jews.)

That’s all for the Barack Obama portion of this week’s column. I shall spend the weekend recording new episodes of my podcast. Then on Monday night I am hosting a rock and roll benefit for Planned Parenthood at the Bowery Ballroom in New York City. Come if you hate babies and/or love Thao with the Get Down Stay Down, you hipster! FIN.