BARRY CAN YOU HEAR ME?  12:15 am April 2, 2011

The Libyans Won’t Steal Barry’s DeLorean

by Sara Benincasa

In Jesus name we do pray, amenz. Aloha, unrepentant liberals! ‘Tis I, your noble weekly columnist, showing up for work for frigging once. I’ve been writing a book so as to pay the bills in this roaring U.S. economy. Bills are of course the toasters in the bathtub of the world, and my fear of them is commensurate only with my love for President Barack Obama, the subject of this brilliant column. Read on, and learn more about the saintly he-man to whom none of us will ever measure up.

Way back on Friday, March 25, Barack Obama finally learned about his native Libya from his teevee and also from the secret-agent men who are stationed there giving money/guns to everybody. He made the airplane soldiers go there on Navy boats, because they do not have enough to do in other parts of the Middle East. Also, it was National Medal of Honor day. Does Cap’n Crunch have one of these things? They hand them out like Ritalin to babies.

This week, on Monday, he went to some high school in D.C. to talk with Latinos, as if they matter. That night, he talked more about THE LIBYANS!!!! who absolutely DO matter, because they have a giant white van and they are trying to steal Doc’s technology! Ugh, now we have to give a shit about this nation, too? Isn’t it enough that we gave a shit about Japan for a week?

On Tuesday, Barry went to New York to hang out at the American Museum of National History BECAUSE IT’S HAVING A SCIENCE FAIR OF FUCKING COURSE. JESUS CHRIST, THIS GUY WITH THE SCIENCE FAIRS. He even said, “Whenever I get a chance to go to a science fair, I go.” Yeah, WE KNOW. Go to a fucking basketball game, where the cool, sexually-active kids hang out.

On Wednesday, he went to visit the white baseball cap-wearing date rapist trustafarians at Georgetown and said some stuff about green things and jibba-JOBS, muthafucka! He announced a new goal, because he is never not announcing new goals. I did not pay attention to what the new goal was, because I did not care. I was busy looking at his sensual lips and handsome bone structure.

Please note the end of this week’s West Wing Week, at around 5:54, when Official White House Videographer Arun Chaudhary includes an adorable outtake of Chuck Todd making fun of him, as if CHUCK FUCKING TODD has any right to make fun of Our Arun! Where the fuck was Jake “Sudeikis” Tapper on this one? He would have come to Arun’s aid, because he is good and righteous like Solomon (Burke, not King Solomon, you fucking Jews.)

That’s all for the Barack Obama portion of this week’s column. I shall spend the weekend recording new episodes of my podcast. Then on Monday night I am hosting a rock and roll benefit for Planned Parenthood at the Bowery Ballroom in New York City. Come if you hate babies and/or love Thao with the Get Down Stay Down, you hipster! FIN.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 64 comments }

BarackMyWorld April 2, 2011 at 12:22 am

We welcome you back with open arms and open zippers.

natoslug April 2, 2011 at 9:44 pm

As someone who just spent the past 24 hours with projectile vomiting and diarrhea, I had to welcome her back with a round of dry heaves and some keening moans.

sarabenincasa April 3, 2011 at 11:55 am

Stop. You're making me hard.

natoslug April 3, 2011 at 2:18 pm

If you think THAT's sexy, you should see my dance moves. I've almost got the rhythm of Navin R. Johnson.

[ edit: Is there any chance your podcast will be available on Miro, or only iTunes? Some of us are still trying to cling to our socialist open-source music/video applications, which precludes the use of iTunes. Or, I supposed I could quit being such a lazy fuck and remember to click back to your site. ]

lulzmonger April 3, 2011 at 10:56 pm

"Become hard!"

- Friedrich Nietzsche

donner_froh April 2, 2011 at 12:23 am

Bills are of course the toasters in the bathtub of the world

And I thought it was impossible to love you more than I already do.

El Pinche April 2, 2011 at 12:38 am

That Planned Parenthood benefit conflicts with my abortion party – there's going to be pinatas filled with many little surprises!

Negropolis April 2, 2011 at 3:49 am

Little blessings/miracles, one would hope. O Que?

Lazy Media April 2, 2011 at 10:51 am
El Pinche April 2, 2011 at 9:22 pm

I love white chocolate.

not that Dewey April 2, 2011 at 12:39 am

It's about fucking time.

fuflans April 2, 2011 at 12:43 am

oh sara, clearly you have been immersed in something joyless if the worst you hurl at us is 'unrepentant liberals'.

however, it is very good to have you back and thank you for 'his sensual lips and handsome bone structure'.

sarabenincasa April 2, 2011 at 7:16 pm

I'm trying to be nicer to you shitfucks. Because of Hope.

Negropolis April 2, 2011 at 11:12 pm

"Because of Hope", eh? Looks like the CW just found their next series about misunderstood, angst-ridden, perfectly coiffed teens trying to escape the bounds of their small towns. But, this town has disturbing secrets, and the trees talk…

pukebot April 2, 2011 at 12:46 am

wormer, he's a dead man! marmalard, dead! chuck fucking todd, dead, neidermeyer…

trampndirtdown April 2, 2011 at 12:51 am

He's right….psychotic, but right.

Radiotherapy April 2, 2011 at 12:54 am

Sara, you must really like the prez's new tough persona: The Barack Hawk.

gullywompr April 2, 2011 at 12:57 am

Only six "fucks"? And not one of them aimed at us? I hardly feel degraded at all. Don't make me beg, Sara.

Oh… I see what you did there. Damn how I love you.

The_Great_Gazoo April 2, 2011 at 1:06 am

Does it suck to be more preoccupied with Labia than with Libya?

SayItWithWookies April 2, 2011 at 1:26 am

If you're doing it right.

The_Great_Gazoo April 2, 2011 at 1:32 am

I dunno. My technique (and aim) might be better appreciated in Libya.

Doktor Zoom April 2, 2011 at 10:54 am

Weapons of Mass Dysfunction?

ttommyunger April 2, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Don't neglect the clit, dummy!

SayItWithWookies April 2, 2011 at 1:31 am

Yay Planned Parenthood. They're the NPR of abortions. Okay, they're probably not running out and trademarking that right now, but I meant that in a good way.

[redacted]hse April 2, 2011 at 9:54 am

Maybe "the Chamber of Commerce" of abortion?

V572..whatever April 2, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Who's their Cokie Roberts? Who's their Scott Simon? Do they have a show called "Wait Wait, Don't Abort Me?" A Saturday morning show called "Vadge Talk" with D&C?

Are these "jokes" in terrible taste?

trampndirtdown April 2, 2011 at 10:46 pm

Flashcard pics of Terry Gross and the fetus aborts itself.

imissopus April 2, 2011 at 1:58 am

I hope Sara's not going soft, this felt way less emotionally abusive than usual. Needz moar word-rape, mistress!

And I mean that special Benincasa emotional abuse, not the "Everything is horrible, kill yourselves now" nihilism Layne's been dishing out like watery broth at a homeless shelter lately.

Negropolis April 2, 2011 at 3:51 am

Between craving emotional abuse and psychological abuse, we sure are a sick bunch.

V572..whatever April 2, 2011 at 12:53 pm

I like it when Sara rapes us with her mouth like Letterman did to Bristol or another of the many Palins! Or keyboard in this case.

sarabenincasa April 2, 2011 at 7:17 pm

Awww. I'm putting that quote on my Christmas card this year.

V572..whatever April 2, 2011 at 8:05 pm

Squee!

DownFist Troll April 2, 2011 at 2:38 am

Oh My God! If we combined the mighty power of abortion with time traveling deloreans we could abort Hitler! (not to mention a whole bunch of other people too)

Also, glad you're back with us!

Negropolis April 2, 2011 at 3:53 am

Yo, Ms. Benincasa, Imma let you finish, but Rebacca Black did the best countdown and/or recap of the week evah. Friday, Friday, Friday, indeed.

Suck it, Carson Daly and Letterman.

Negropolis April 2, 2011 at 11:09 pm

But, seriously Sarah, we missed you.

zappadoo76 April 2, 2011 at 5:07 am

Now I understand the war in Libya. Our Libyan overlord, Saddam Hussein Obama, wants to take back his home country.

HistoriCat April 2, 2011 at 8:28 am

Sounds like he's going to go back 30 years and give someone (himself?) a little courage-boosting pep talk. As long as he can steer clear of romantic entanglement with his mom, everything should be OK.

JackObin April 2, 2011 at 8:13 am

How was George Bush's week? I hear he was seen doin' blow off Pickles' rather large buttocks. I find ex-Preznit's lives so much more compelling.

TanzbodenKoenig April 2, 2011 at 9:14 am

Please ma'am may I have another!

Barbara_i April 2, 2011 at 9:36 am

Good luck with your rock and roll party for Planned Parenthood. I appreciate that you are keeping Margaret Sanger's sick vision alive. I don't want to be fitted with the government issued chastity belt, aka "labor saving device" It doesn't look good under skinny jeans and I have the worst habit of losing keys. I don't know about you Sara, but my "Miss Mookie" gets kinda claustrophobic, especially with the men folk and the booze, sweet booze around.

Doktor Zoom April 2, 2011 at 11:04 am

You see, it's wantons like you that make it clear why that whole "women's lib" thing was a bad thing for America. Now you just get your pants back on right now, missy. I mean it. Stop tempting Godly upstanding males with your filthy curves and mammalian protruberances.

PublicLuxury April 2, 2011 at 9:52 am

Chuck Todd is a boil on the ass of his very own penis, or something.

Lazy Media April 2, 2011 at 10:53 am

Needz moar Michele Bachmann videos.

sarabenincasa April 2, 2011 at 7:18 pm
lulzmonger April 3, 2011 at 11:08 pm

I thumbed it up like the fist of an angry Godzilla.

riverside68 April 2, 2011 at 10:53 am

She had me at Aloha

Fare la Volpe April 2, 2011 at 11:01 am

Dearest Sara, I just wanted to say I'm absolutely in love with Sex & Other Human Activities. You and Marcus make a fabulous comedy duo (it helps you're both sexy beasts), and yes, I did cry like a baby during the Doctor Who discussion. The ending of that Van Gogh piece always gets to me.

Keep up the fantastic work, and answer some of my Formspring questions, dammit.

sarabenincasa April 2, 2011 at 7:18 pm

Thanks, baby!

Breitbart twink April 2, 2011 at 11:33 am

Ahh… that's the stuff.

ttommyunger April 2, 2011 at 12:31 pm

"…handsome bone structure." Yes, Sarah, and we all know which "bone" you're talking about, don't we?

PublicLuxury April 2, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Come On Tommy, bury the bone already

ttommyunger April 2, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Wait for it…

KenLayIsAlive April 2, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Sarah, I'm in love. I want you to be the mother of my aborted children.

PublicLuxury April 2, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Have a happy period, Sara.

sarabenincasa April 2, 2011 at 7:19 pm

I actually have such cramps right now. I will blog openly about my vagina.

lulzmonger April 3, 2011 at 11:11 pm

*opens screencap*
F5 F5 F5 F5 F5

user-of-owls April 2, 2011 at 5:26 pm

now we have to give a shit about this nation, too?

Remember, there are no strange countries, only colonies haven't established yet.

sarabenincasa April 2, 2011 at 7:18 pm

HAHA win.

sarabenincasa April 2, 2011 at 7:19 pm

BTW, scamps, this is a Michele Bachmann vlog from last week.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SsQtE5tI0jg&fe

TsunamiAli April 2, 2011 at 9:29 pm

More F-bombs than a sailor on shore leave with menstrual cramps. Just sayin'

Negropolis April 2, 2011 at 11:16 pm

I think the PC term is "sailoress."

TsunamiAli April 3, 2011 at 12:02 pm

I think in Sara's case it is "sailoratrix."

voodooeconomics April 3, 2011 at 8:53 am

Can't wait for your bill-paying book. On a quick summary how many times has those blessed pages been honored by the word f u c k. That could the key to success.

TsunamiAli April 3, 2011 at 12:03 pm

damn trolls! Shoo! leave voodoo alone!!!

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