ABORTION LOOPHOLES  5:26 pm March 31, 2011

America Loves LOLRATS! (Because Americans Quit Having Babies)

by Ken Layne

Today, Wonkette. Tomorrow: Dancing With the Stars.Bad news, we guess: Americans have just quit having babies. Why? Oh, no reason at all, everything’s fine, la la la. The birth rate for the main procreating age range of wommens, 20-24, dropped by a shocking 9% in just two years (2007-2009). In the doomed American Southwest, the birth rate plunged by 10%. Overall, it’s a 4% drop nationwide across all age groups — the biggest decline since the last time America nearly plummeted off the cliff of history, the mid-1970s. And that’s why Americans now love this dumb thing we accidentally made up, “LOLrats.”

LOLrats, everybody!We were just looking for a good background for teabagger fartsack Paul LePage’s new “Wonkette File Photo,” and came across this lovely image of a rat drowned in a filthy toilet. And so we immediately showed this to Jack Stuef, and claimed it was “Detroit’s new City Hall” or something, because Jack is from Detroit and enjoys hearing about the rancid vacant lot that now comprises his hometown.

And, well, Jack’s response was as terse and boring as usual, so we immediately put the picture on Twitter — claiming rightly that it was the “Picture of the day.” Many people on the Twitter immediately gave us grief, as if they don’t look at pictures of dead turd-rats in filthy toilets all day long, for work.

Captain of the American Ship of State.But then, Twitter person @iconridge made this terrible variation, and before long the juvenile delinquent/Wonkette commenter “Trouble Dog” produced the last two versions you are looking at in disgust right now.

BIRTH OF A NATION MEME. [Los Angeles Times]

 
Related video

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 134 comments }

GunToting[Redacted] March 31, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Jesus Ken… You really do want us to kill ourselves…

Ken Layne March 31, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Not really! It's for fun!

GunToting[Redacted] March 31, 2011 at 5:55 pm

Too late.

widestanceroman March 31, 2011 at 6:05 pm

Is there any way you'd consider a t-shirt racket again. please?

Lascauxcaveman March 31, 2011 at 6:40 pm

Dammit Ken, I told you you you could stay at my hotel but I distinctly said "NO PICTURES!"

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 31, 2011 at 6:03 pm

Of course he doesn't want us to kill ourselves. That isn't until the next comet flies by. Didn't you read your Intensedebate User Agreement?

OC_3300X_Serf March 31, 2011 at 5:28 pm

As waistlines grow it's harder to connect?

Sophist [غني عن ذلك] March 31, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Elephant Seals seem to manage it ok, and they don't even have hands. Or Hoverounds.

iburl March 31, 2011 at 5:30 pm

I get the feeling this post will be yanked like the one about the stroke victim news bunnies.

memzilla March 31, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Gawker domain name buyout offer in 5… 4… 3…

genxr March 31, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Not funny. that rat had a stroke.

Winnie_Cooper April 1, 2011 at 10:56 am

I was five blocks away from that rat!

tessiee April 1, 2011 at 9:16 pm

That rat was TWO DAYS from retiring!!

SexySmurf March 31, 2011 at 5:33 pm

It's Abortion Day at Wonkette!!! (It's slightly better than the Rape Day we had a couple of months ago).

DahBoner March 31, 2011 at 7:32 pm

#DID YOU KNOW THE IRS WILL PAY YOU TO HAVE ABORTIONS?

Save your receipts! Saving money on taxes is cool…

tcaalaw April 1, 2011 at 8:45 am

One follows the other like night follows day. Except in Indiana.

smokefilledroommate March 31, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Didn't the ratmom know about safe surrender sites?

Sophist [غني عن ذلك] March 31, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Is this the shithouse rat I keep seeing Republicans compared to?

elviouslyqueer March 31, 2011 at 5:35 pm

So are these the "after" pics of this little gem, because of thematic synergy?

DownFist Troll March 31, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Maybe it means kids are having sex later after being taught about birth control?

Maybe adults are using condoms and the pill?

Maybe we're finally realizing as a nation that you can enjoy sex for the sake of itself and not feel ashamed about it?

…..NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! It's the Wrath of God!! Jeebus is Punishing us for having abortions and letting Gays into the Army!

metamarcisf March 31, 2011 at 5:35 pm

How'd you guys get into my house?

emmelemm March 31, 2011 at 5:42 pm

I'd give you extra thumbs if I could.

Clancy_Pants March 31, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Just login to your Lou Sarah account and vote again.

poncho_pilot March 31, 2011 at 6:32 pm

i tell my cats something similar. well, more like: "i wish you assholes had thumbs then you could feed yourselves."

V572del c:/*.* y/n? March 31, 2011 at 5:43 pm

I guess you thought it was safe to hook up that little peephole camera with a wireless link…but you were WRONG!

jus_wonderin March 31, 2011 at 5:45 pm

We understand. Sometimes, one gets caught up in a good book or all those nights at the Opera and housework gets postponed.

MinAgain March 31, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Just wait until those rats unionize and start bargaining, and then who'll be laugh…oh. Nevermind.

fuflans March 31, 2011 at 5:38 pm

good think MI and IN are tightening up those abortion loopholes.

Negropolis March 31, 2011 at 11:51 pm

AZ and Indiana. MI is doing a whole other of other horrible shit, lately, but mostly on the economic front.

fuflans March 31, 2011 at 11:57 pm

you are correct and i apologize to the great mitten state (which is actually really really beautiful).

gef05 March 31, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Today we are all dead turd-rats in the toilet bowl of America.

GOPCrusher March 31, 2011 at 5:39 pm

I would expect an angry e-mail from PETA at any moment.

Ken Layne March 31, 2011 at 6:23 pm

We are friends with PETA!

That rat killed itself because of the Koch Bros. … actually, the rat was killed due to the peculiar prostate cancer "experimental treatment" favored by David Koch and other degenerate opera-supporting billionaires.

Lascauxcaveman March 31, 2011 at 6:45 pm

If he's anything like the rat that came up through the basement toilet in the house I used to rent, he actually died by being repeatedly stabbed with a ski pole and batted down with a tennis racket by two post-collegiate young men jumping around shrieking like terrified little girls drowning.

imissopus March 31, 2011 at 8:02 pm

If he's anything like the rat who once ran through the bathroom of the shitty U. of Chicago student apartment my brother and sister-in-law lived in for a year, he actually died when said sister-in-law began screaming and jumping around in a pair of heavy clogs and didn't pay too much attention to where she was landing.

Negropolis March 31, 2011 at 11:52 pm

"didn't pay too much attention" huh? She's got you fooled. She knew exactly where she was landing…

Weenus299 March 31, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Ya'll are silly. Now go on out an has some chillun and keep the white population up.

unclejeems March 31, 2011 at 6:01 pm

I's already's had my chillun. Ya'll do it.

deelzebub March 31, 2011 at 6:03 pm

I, for one, welcome our new brown overlords.

widestanceroman March 31, 2011 at 5:40 pm

I've always wondered what the Wonkette offices were like. I am no longer curious about anything.

jus_wonderin March 31, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Curiousity killed the rat.

EdFlintstone March 31, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Jesus Ken now you have to ruin dinner time.

elviouslyqueer March 31, 2011 at 5:52 pm

BON APPETIT!

GOPCrusher March 31, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Does this mean that there is a 9% increase in oral or anal sex?

DownFist Troll March 31, 2011 at 5:44 pm

Both I hope.

Ken Layne March 31, 2011 at 5:48 pm

That rat is doing both, yes.

deelzebub March 31, 2011 at 6:05 pm

That rat is doing neither, unless he gets his requisite 72 virgins is Muslin rat heaven.

tessiee April 1, 2011 at 9:21 pm

And in that order, I hope.

el_donaldo March 31, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Hey! If those rats hadn't drowned they could be paying into Social Security.

emmelemm March 31, 2011 at 5:42 pm

"dead turd-rats in filthy toilets"

I wish this didn't make me laugh as hard as it does. America FUCK YEAH!

[redacted]hse March 31, 2011 at 10:58 pm

I have all their albums.

rambone March 31, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Another day, another meme for Sarah Palin to cynically twist into her Trig-insult (Trigsult!) victimization strategy.

GOPCrusher March 31, 2011 at 5:53 pm

This is just an example of the Left-Wing Hate Rhetoric.

Negropolis March 31, 2011 at 11:55 pm

RAT-LIBEL!

教授 Zoom March 31, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Oh, look! You can see its little hands!

emmelemm March 31, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Does it have fingernails?

gef05 March 31, 2011 at 6:12 pm

That is the most offensive thing I've read all day.

+1 WOULD FIST AGAIN

poncho_pilot March 31, 2011 at 6:36 pm

lol.

[redacted]hse March 31, 2011 at 10:57 pm

Oh look! He's sucking his thu…oh, his, oh DON"T look, children!

Negropolis March 31, 2011 at 11:56 pm

You made me look at that, and now I feel as dirty as that rat.

TanzbodenKoenig March 31, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Oh god can we please get a template image, I wanna make one: "Palin Family / Plan B"

Ken Layne March 31, 2011 at 5:48 pm
TanzbodenKoenig March 31, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Sweet action. Guess who's got a new profile image?

A few more here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/61262967@N02/

ManchuCandidate March 31, 2011 at 5:49 pm

What makes that picture worse is that poor rat's last words was "42? What the fuck? 42?!?"

KeepFnThatChicken March 31, 2011 at 5:59 pm

HHGTTG answer = WIN

jus_wonderin March 31, 2011 at 6:00 pm

I think he was reading the news off a teleprompter just seconds before.

ShaveTheWhales April 1, 2011 at 3:57 am

"They're going to kill us, aren't they?"

tcaalaw April 1, 2011 at 8:47 am

I'm pretty sure those were mice, not rats.

anniegetyerfun March 31, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Well, I personally plan on birthin' me some babbies, but they won't be white. Fortunately, that means that the Tea Partiers will treasure the fuck out of 'em.

finallyhappy March 31, 2011 at 5:51 pm

If only the Rat mom had gone to one of those "are you pregnant? Do you need help?" places. The baby rat would have been born safely and then allowed to starve on the street.

__kth__ March 31, 2011 at 6:27 pm

I'm weeping because there wasn't an angelic "choose life" sidewalk-counselor rat to save this rat lady from the worst decision of her life.

[redacted]hse March 31, 2011 at 10:53 pm

Ah, yes- another meal for a Fat Cat.

Negropolis March 31, 2011 at 11:59 pm

Has a rat anywhere ever starved?

sportshort March 31, 2011 at 5:51 pm

At least this rat had a toilet to drown in. Many Americans would KILL to have a toilet to drown in.

emmelemm March 31, 2011 at 6:28 pm

Yeah… indoor plumbing FTW, right??

riverside68 March 31, 2011 at 8:31 pm

That rat died to have indoor plumbing

poncho_pilot March 31, 2011 at 9:39 pm

Ron Paul in particular.

Radiotherapy March 31, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Does it have a little heartbeat?
Because that would make it human, or something like that.

jus_wonderin March 31, 2011 at 5:54 pm

"Now, I want to show you this next home on 201 Sunnyvale Street. It has 3 bedrooms and 2 and 1/2 baths. Meet me there at 10:30."

GOPCrusher March 31, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Mom always told me to chew my food before swallowing.

Gopherit March 31, 2011 at 5:55 pm

That's no fetus rat. That a full grown lazy american rat. Why doesn't he get out of the toilet and get a JOB! No free lunch, Mr Rat.

riverside68 March 31, 2011 at 8:32 pm

all the water you can drink tho, and then some more!

YerMa March 31, 2011 at 5:57 pm

And this is why you are my favorite war blog ever, Wonkette.

EdFlintstone March 31, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Can I flush and make it a fun little dead rat jacuzzi?

deelzebub March 31, 2011 at 5:58 pm

If you flush nine, the tenth one is free.

ThundercatHo March 31, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Hopefully it was not ratborted in AZ due to cultural, racial or gender issues. Cuz if it was, somebody's gonna fry.

Deep fried rats, yum

widestanceroman March 31, 2011 at 5:59 pm

I'm sick of anus day in and day out. . .hey, you gonna finish that?

gullywompr March 31, 2011 at 5:59 pm

That image is very disturbing. I wish you’d have chosen something else. I realize that it’s a shameful part of American history that we should never forget, but it’s too much.

gullywompr March 31, 2011 at 6:04 pm

This rat was aborted because it's minority mom did not want it to testify in front of the Ohio state legislature.

教授 Zoom March 31, 2011 at 6:05 pm

It's fairly obvious, but what the hey.

gullywompr March 31, 2011 at 6:19 pm

I want my babby back, babby back, babby back ribs.

Hey, as long as we're being obvious…

KeepFnThatChicken March 31, 2011 at 6:12 pm

At this moment, I'm very sorry to have deleted it, but there's a video that talks about the declining birth rate in America… hmmm. Where could I find that again…?

Oh, yes. Essentially, the clip says "Christians oughta out-fuck the other cultures." I'd wager that Rick Santorum has likely interleaved his Abortion Security story from this bullshit.

poncho_pilot March 31, 2011 at 6:53 pm

if i hadn't had a few conversations where i was told the wife and i should procreate because white babies were an endangered species…this would be funnier. no, it's still funny. and we're still not having kids.

教授 Zoom March 31, 2011 at 7:13 pm

Actually, you should have kids because everybody should know the joy of stepping on tiny sharp Lego pieces in the middle of the night.

poncho_pilot March 31, 2011 at 7:20 pm

but i do! that's why i pick my legos up before i go to sleep…

i'm really an adult, i swear.

HistoriCat March 31, 2011 at 8:08 pm

I think the real joy of having children is the vague hope you have that in 20 years or so they'll leave which means your old age might not be completely miserable.

poncho_pilot March 31, 2011 at 9:56 pm

also:

hurry! make MOAR white babies! MOAR!!! or Jesus will disappear like Marty McFly in a polaroid in back to the future!

Peter Pan says: now, everyone. think happy thoughts and fuck like rabbits on ExtenZ and Jesus will come back from the dead in three days to smite all of the infidels.

Guppy06 March 31, 2011 at 6:17 pm

"Jack’s response was as terse and boring as usual"

Was it "fuck you" or "go fuck yourself?"

Ken Layne March 31, 2011 at 6:25 pm

That's more of a Jim Newell response.

weejee March 31, 2011 at 6:29 pm

Wrong ginger, eh? Gotta know yer reds as McCarthy says.

HateMachine March 31, 2011 at 8:21 pm

Probably more of an "oh, that's neat."

donner_froh March 31, 2011 at 6:21 pm

The rat wrangler for that photo shoot is looking for his next job.

sezme March 31, 2011 at 6:23 pm

That picture wouldn't be so offensive if it weren't for all the santorum everywhere.

Jerri March 31, 2011 at 6:24 pm

Man, the Lightly Salted Bag of Poison Rat Dicks industry really needs to find a way to cut the waste and use the whole rat. So sad.

教授 Zoom March 31, 2011 at 7:16 pm

That's not funny, that's sick!

weejee March 31, 2011 at 6:25 pm

Looks to me like a Newt backed up from sewer.

AnAmericanInTO March 31, 2011 at 6:26 pm

Yeah, well, that just means more sweet anus-peddling fast food manager positions for MY kids when there's less of a pool to choose from. C'mon didn't you read Outliers?

mrblifil March 31, 2011 at 6:33 pm

"Thou hast," not "thou hath," you stupid fucking promoters of raticide.

ChuckieJesus March 31, 2011 at 6:45 pm

Aw, I had a pet rat, once! And an abortion, too…

I cried hard when my pet rat died.
I cried hard when I went through the abortion.

But I tell ya one thing, I felt relief when I got that abortion.

And I miss Lum (my old rat, RIP, 1992-1995) more than I miss any potential 26 year old daughter or son that might have been today.

Because, see, I'm only 39.

deelzebub March 31, 2011 at 7:28 pm

I cried over my hamster dying (closest I got to rats) but not over my abortion. Buckwheat was an awesome pet, and waking up in the ICU after losing three whole days to a medically-induced coma is a bad time to learn you're pregnant. I'd like to take this time to once again say that the nursing staff at that hospital can eat a bag of putrid, rotting dicks for telling my mother-in-law I was expecting. Gossipy, fucking bitches.

natl indecency cmdr March 31, 2011 at 9:14 pm

that last line needs a drama sting. "dun dun dun nnnnnnn!" and then "and the baby's father was my priest!"

sorry about your rat dying.

ChuckieJesus March 31, 2011 at 9:31 pm

"and the baby's father was my priest!"

HEY NO SPOILERS

poncho_pilot March 31, 2011 at 6:54 pm
PublicLuxury March 31, 2011 at 7:13 pm

Americans' are hope deprived. I would have gladly squeezed out a a little Luxury if Hopey hadn't gone all Hopelessness-y

Jim Newell March 31, 2011 at 7:26 pm

This post is SHIT HOT ken layne. fukkin rats, man.

Sharkey March 31, 2011 at 9:22 pm

DESERVE to die! Abort! Abort!

Ken Layne April 2, 2011 at 12:37 am

This is our Valentine's Day card (2012) to your back porch.

mereoblivion March 31, 2011 at 7:33 pm

Fetusrats not-deserting a stinking shit?

PublicLuxury March 31, 2011 at 7:39 pm

If only the parents of the hover-baggers had practiced oral sex more often we wouldn't have so many 'should've been a blow-job' people.

HateMachine March 31, 2011 at 8:27 pm

After this post, I needed a dose of this video, for balance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-5ZdJ1usrw&fe

Sharkey March 31, 2011 at 9:31 pm

With notably rare exceptions, rats eat and drink well from toilets.

NorthStarSpanx March 31, 2011 at 9:49 pm

Never fear, Bristol, Willow and soon Piper will step up to the plate, not afraid of AND chosing life and whatnot.

Sharkey March 31, 2011 at 9:49 pm

Grampa?

[redacted]hse March 31, 2011 at 10:48 pm

That rat is crazier than a shithouse Michelle Bachmann.

Beetagger March 31, 2011 at 10:51 pm

I choose to have a rat bastard for a child. Little shit.

Negropolis April 1, 2011 at 12:16 am

The Detroit City Hall actually looks worse. At least, after Kwame Kilpatrick got through with it. So long as you don't have a blacklight and have a long-term memory deficit, you should be alright. Just don't touch the desk.

BTW, the City-Council Building/CAY Municipal Center (i.e. city hall) has a cool little barbershop in the basement, and the current mayor moved city hall reporters for the dailies to the basement.

The_Great_Gazoo April 1, 2011 at 8:48 am

Do they keep stats on the number of babies born to ladies who didn't know they were pregnant and ended up giving birth on the toilet? Because based on what I've seen on the Discovery Channel and TLC, there's bound to have been a dramatic increase in the number of these toilet babies.

Troubledog April 1, 2011 at 11:30 am

Posting in an epic thread.

The original LOLRAT template is here http://www.ridacritter.com/Images/gallery/rodents

tessiee April 1, 2011 at 1:15 pm

So many of the rats in the toilets here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is working very well for them.

Thedongsofwar April 1, 2011 at 6:16 pm

This is completely beyond the pale! I never thought I could offended by Wonkette. Seriously, guys? What the Hell! Abortion should not be trivialized like this. I was so upset I told my mother. She was very shocked at the sort of content I read that she informed me I would be moving in with my Aunt and Uncle in Bel-Air. I whistled for a cab and when it got 'near, the license plate said "Fresh" and there was a dice in the mirror. If anything, I could say that "This cab is rare" but I thought "Nah, forget it; Yo Holmes, to Bel-Air" I rolled up around 7 or 8 and I said "Yo Holmes, smell you later". Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there. To sit on my throne as the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

tessiee April 1, 2011 at 9:25 pm

How is rat babby formed?

Doktor Zoom April 2, 2011 at 11:16 am
tessiee April 2, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Could the good Doktor translate that caption from Teatard to English, plz?

Doktor Zoom April 2, 2011 at 5:06 pm

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