abortion loopholes

America Loves LOLRATS! (Because Americans Quit Having Babies)

Today, Wonkette. Tomorrow: Dancing With the Stars.Bad news, we guess: Americans have just quit having babies. Why? Oh, no reason at all, everything’s fine, la la la. The birth rate for the main procreating age range of wommens, 20-24, dropped by a shocking 9% in just two years (2007-2009). In the doomed American Southwest, the birth rate plunged by 10%. Overall, it’s a 4% drop nationwide across all age groups — the biggest decline since the last time America nearly plummeted off the cliff of history, the mid-1970s. And that’s why Americans now love this dumb thing we accidentally made up, “LOLrats.”

LOLrats, everybody!We were just looking for a good background for teabagger fartsack Paul LePage’s new “Wonkette File Photo,” and came across this lovely image of a rat drowned in a filthy toilet. And so we immediately showed this to Jack Stuef, and claimed it was “Detroit’s new City Hall” or something, because Jack is from Detroit and enjoys hearing about the rancid vacant lot that now comprises his hometown.

And, well, Jack’s response was as terse and boring as usual, so we immediately put the picture on Twitter — claiming rightly that it was the “Picture of the day.” Many people on the Twitter immediately gave us grief, as if they don’t look at pictures of dead turd-rats in filthy toilets all day long, for work.

Captain of the American Ship of State.But then, Twitter person @iconridge made this terrible variation, and before long the juvenile delinquent/Wonkette commenter “Trouble Dog” produced the last two versions you are looking at in disgust right now.

BIRTH OF A NATION MEME. [Los Angeles Times]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

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134 comments

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Dammit Ken, I told you you you could stay at my hotel but I distinctly said "NO PICTURES!"

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Of course he doesn't want us to kill ourselves. That isn't until the next comet flies by. Didn't you read your Intensedebate User Agreement?

  1. iburl

    I get the feeling this post will be yanked like the one about the stroke victim news bunnies.

  2. SexySmurf

    It's Abortion Day at Wonkette!!! (It's slightly better than the Rape Day we had a couple of months ago).

    1. DahBoner

      #DID YOU KNOW THE IRS WILL PAY YOU TO HAVE ABORTIONS?

      Save your receipts! Saving money on taxes is cool…

  3. DownFist Troll

    Maybe it means kids are having sex later after being taught about birth control?

    Maybe adults are using condoms and the pill?

    Maybe we're finally realizing as a nation that you can enjoy sex for the sake of itself and not feel ashamed about it?

    …..NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! It's the Wrath of God!! Jeebus is Punishing us for having abortions and letting Gays into the Army!

      1. poncho_pilot

        i tell my cats something similar. well, more like: "i wish you assholes had thumbs then you could feed yourselves."

    1. V572del c:/*.* y/n?

      I guess you thought it was safe to hook up that little peephole camera with a wireless link…but you were WRONG!

    2. jus_wonderin

      We understand. Sometimes, one gets caught up in a good book or all those nights at the Opera and housework gets postponed.

  4. MinAgain

    Just wait until those rats unionize and start bargaining, and then who'll be laugh…oh. Nevermind.

    1. Negropolis

      AZ and Indiana. MI is doing a whole other of other horrible shit, lately, but mostly on the economic front.

      1. fuflans

        you are correct and i apologize to the great mitten state (which is actually really really beautiful).

    1. Ken Layne

      We are friends with PETA!

      That rat killed itself because of the Koch Bros. … actually, the rat was killed due to the peculiar prostate cancer "experimental treatment" favored by David Koch and other degenerate opera-supporting billionaires.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        If he's anything like the rat that came up through the basement toilet in the house I used to rent, he actually died by being repeatedly stabbed with a ski pole and batted down with a tennis racket by two post-collegiate young men jumping around shrieking like terrified little girls drowning.

        1. imissopus

          If he's anything like the rat who once ran through the bathroom of the shitty U. of Chicago student apartment my brother and sister-in-law lived in for a year, he actually died when said sister-in-law began screaming and jumping around in a pair of heavy clogs and didn't pay too much attention to where she was landing.

          1. Negropolis

            "didn't pay too much attention" huh? She's got you fooled. She knew exactly where she was landing…

  5. widestanceroman

    I've always wondered what the Wonkette offices were like. I am no longer curious about anything.

        1. deelzebub

          That rat is doing neither, unless he gets his requisite 72 virgins is Muslin rat heaven.

  6. emmelemm

    "dead turd-rats in filthy toilets"

    I wish this didn't make me laugh as hard as it does. America FUCK YEAH!

  7. rambone

    Another day, another meme for Sarah Palin to cynically twist into her Trig-insult (Trigsult!) victimization strategy.

  8. TanzbodenKoenig

    Oh god can we please get a template image, I wanna make one: "Palin Family / Plan B"

  9. anniegetyerfun

    Well, I personally plan on birthin' me some babbies, but they won't be white. Fortunately, that means that the Tea Partiers will treasure the fuck out of 'em.

  10. finallyhappy

    If only the Rat mom had gone to one of those "are you pregnant? Do you need help?" places. The baby rat would have been born safely and then allowed to starve on the street.

    1. __kth__

      I'm weeping because there wasn't an angelic "choose life" sidewalk-counselor rat to save this rat lady from the worst decision of her life.

  11. sportshort

    At least this rat had a toilet to drown in. Many Americans would KILL to have a toilet to drown in.

  12. Radiotherapy

    Does it have a little heartbeat?
    Because that would make it human, or something like that.

  13. jus_wonderin

    "Now, I want to show you this next home on 201 Sunnyvale Street. It has 3 bedrooms and 2 and 1/2 baths. Meet me there at 10:30."

  14. Gopherit

    That's no fetus rat. That a full grown lazy american rat. Why doesn't he get out of the toilet and get a JOB! No free lunch, Mr Rat.

  15. ThundercatHo

    Hopefully it was not ratborted in AZ due to cultural, racial or gender issues. Cuz if it was, somebody's gonna fry.

    Deep fried rats, yum

  16. gullywompr

    That image is very disturbing. I wish you’d have chosen something else. I realize that it’s a shameful part of American history that we should never forget, but it’s too much.

  17. gullywompr

    This rat was aborted because it's minority mom did not want it to testify in front of the Ohio state legislature.

    1. gullywompr

      I want my babby back, babby back, babby back ribs.

      Hey, as long as we're being obvious…

  18. KeepFnThatChicken

    At this moment, I'm very sorry to have deleted it, but there's a video that talks about the declining birth rate in America… hmmm. Where could I find that again…?

    Oh, yes. Essentially, the clip says "Christians oughta out-fuck the other cultures." I'd wager that Rick Santorum has likely interleaved his Abortion Security story from this bullshit.

    1. poncho_pilot

      if i hadn't had a few conversations where i was told the wife and i should procreate because white babies were an endangered species…this would be funnier. no, it's still funny. and we're still not having kids.

      1. 教授 Zoom

        Actually, you should have kids because everybody should know the joy of stepping on tiny sharp Lego pieces in the middle of the night.

        1. poncho_pilot

          but i do! that's why i pick my legos up before i go to sleep…

          i'm really an adult, i swear.

        2. HistoriCat

          I think the real joy of having children is the vague hope you have that in 20 years or so they'll leave which means your old age might not be completely miserable.

      2. poncho_pilot

        also:

        hurry! make MOAR white babies! MOAR!!! or Jesus will disappear like Marty McFly in a polaroid in back to the future!

        Peter Pan says: now, everyone. think happy thoughts and fuck like rabbits on ExtenZ and Jesus will come back from the dead in three days to smite all of the infidels.

  19. Guppy06

    "Jack’s response was as terse and boring as usual"

    Was it "fuck you" or "go fuck yourself?"

  20. Jerri

    Man, the Lightly Salted Bag of Poison Rat Dicks industry really needs to find a way to cut the waste and use the whole rat. So sad.

  21. AnAmericanInTO

    Yeah, well, that just means more sweet anus-peddling fast food manager positions for MY kids when there's less of a pool to choose from. C'mon didn't you read Outliers?

  22. ChuckieJesus

    Aw, I had a pet rat, once! And an abortion, too…

    I cried hard when my pet rat died.
    I cried hard when I went through the abortion.

    But I tell ya one thing, I felt relief when I got that abortion.

    And I miss Lum (my old rat, RIP, 1992-1995) more than I miss any potential 26 year old daughter or son that might have been today.

    Because, see, I'm only 39.

    1. deelzebub

      I cried over my hamster dying (closest I got to rats) but not over my abortion. Buckwheat was an awesome pet, and waking up in the ICU after losing three whole days to a medically-induced coma is a bad time to learn you're pregnant. I'd like to take this time to once again say that the nursing staff at that hospital can eat a bag of putrid, rotting dicks for telling my mother-in-law I was expecting. Gossipy, fucking bitches.

  23. PublicLuxury

    Americans' are hope deprived. I would have gladly squeezed out a a little Luxury if Hopey hadn't gone all Hopelessness-y

  24. PublicLuxury

    If only the parents of the hover-baggers had practiced oral sex more often we wouldn't have so many 'should've been a blow-job' people.

  25. NorthStarSpanx

    Never fear, Bristol, Willow and soon Piper will step up to the plate, not afraid of AND chosing life and whatnot.

  26. Negropolis

    The Detroit City Hall actually looks worse. At least, after Kwame Kilpatrick got through with it. So long as you don't have a blacklight and have a long-term memory deficit, you should be alright. Just don't touch the desk.

    BTW, the City-Council Building/CAY Municipal Center (i.e. city hall) has a cool little barbershop in the basement, and the current mayor moved city hall reporters for the dailies to the basement.

  27. The_Great_Gazoo

    Do they keep stats on the number of babies born to ladies who didn't know they were pregnant and ended up giving birth on the toilet? Because based on what I've seen on the Discovery Channel and TLC, there's bound to have been a dramatic increase in the number of these toilet babies.

  28. tessiee

    So many of the rats in the toilets here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is working very well for them.

  29. Thedongsofwar

    This is completely beyond the pale! I never thought I could offended by Wonkette. Seriously, guys? What the Hell! Abortion should not be trivialized like this. I was so upset I told my mother. She was very shocked at the sort of content I read that she informed me I would be moving in with my Aunt and Uncle in Bel-Air. I whistled for a cab and when it got 'near, the license plate said "Fresh" and there was a dice in the mirror. If anything, I could say that "This cab is rare" but I thought "Nah, forget it; Yo Holmes, to Bel-Air" I rolled up around 7 or 8 and I said "Yo Holmes, smell you later". Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there. To sit on my throne as the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

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