a majestic hawk with autism

Gohmert: Obama In Libya So He Can Call Up Secret Health-Care-Law Troops

Hard to argue with that face.Most conservatives hate everything President Obama does. But they love war. Love it! They would go to war with half the world if they had a Republican president in office who would let them. So the cognitive dissonance has been pretty tough on this Libya thing. On the one hand, evil Kenyan! On the other hand, look at all those sexy bombs we’re dropping on the brown people! But finally Rep. Louie Gohmert figured out why Obama seems to also like war a lot right now: he’s secretly HURTING our military so he can create troops made entirely out of health care reform. Nooooo! That health care reform is poison! They’re going to be poison troops! (But also THANK GOD. This means Republicans aren’t REALLY opposing an actual war. Just health care for people who desperately need it.)

How do you know this conspiracy theory is fact? It’s verified by a string of old white conservative e-mail chain letters. Hard to argue with that.

Please pray for the people of Libya. Instead of being burned alive by our weapons like they should, they could be GIVEN HEALTH CARE. Scary stuff. [Media Matters]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • facehead

    Something about that photo which says: Yes, I've tried putting a tampon in my ass, so what?

    • XOhioan

      I was gonna say–that's his official headshot? Fail.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Photographer: "Okay, Mr. Gohmert, we're all set up and ready to shoot, just look at the camera and say 'herp-derp!'"

        Gohmert: "Herp! Derp!"

        • Not_So_Much

          Wherez duh jerbs?!?!11?!

          How fucked up is his district that they keep electing a guy who's eyeballs point directly at one another from a centimeter apart? (I only say that because I assume the metric system make him so mad.)

    • Boojum_Reborn

      He has one in now, in fact.

    • Radiotherapy

      Umm, I don't think that was a tampon…it was way biggger… and it had teeth.

    • DaRooster

      … and this is the face I made.

    • Trinket

      A vodka-soaked tampon.

      • karen

        Obviously those German teens stole the idea from Gohmert.

  • PublicLuxury

    We have found one of the finalist for the Stupidest Person Alive Award

  • http://www.fifthinternational.org/content/education-programme 4TheTurnstiles

    With reasoning like this, whaddya bet this guy's favorite book is The Fountainhead?

    • LowProfileinGA

      Too many wordz.

    • poncho_pilot

      yeah, reading? Texas? maybe the audio books narrated by Rand's corpse.

    • Ruhe

      Which would be ironic since his bulbous, shiny dome would make a very gallant gallstone.

    • 4tehlulz_lite

      Do they allow literates in the TX GOP?

      • DownFist Troll

        "Allow"? sounds like you're attacking their freedumb there sir.

    • Terry

      He's not a big reader. His favorite book is the Bible, but of course he couldn't tell you the Ten Commandments

    • powersuit

      Sorry. No. It's the O'Reilly Factor for Kids.

      Plus, what's the deal with the carefully-tended half tonsure? Dude, your hair's gone. Just shave it and put it out of its misery.

  • Crank_Tango

    I thought he was just trying to distract us from Monica Lewinsky?

  • SorosBot

    Is it just me, or does that dude's head look like the tip of a penis?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Is it just me, or does that dude's head look like the tip of a penis?

      Fixed. And yes.

      • bflrtsplk

        He's the official House Republican Dickhead.

        • SorosBot

          The only one?

    • bumfug

      If the tip of your dick looks like Louie Gohmert, sue the mohel.

    • widestanceroman

      My p-ness haaz a sadz and low self-esteem now.

    • baconzgood

      You're head doesn't look like the tip of a penis SorosBot.

    • Walkinwiddaking

      I think a penis is a little, no a lot more erudite.

  • jus_wonderin

    That photo is just screamin' "Why yes, he is carrying my luggage. Why do you ask?"

    Updated: I watched the video. What a dick!

    • SorosBot

      You're a braver man than I, willingly watching this dick ramble.

  • Beetagger

    Eyes are too close together. My eugenics textbook says that's an indication that he's dumb as fuck.

    • SorosBot

      Isn't it a common result of multiple generations of inbreeding?

      • DaRooster

        A friend told me about this guy that took pics of southern families and on down the line their eyes were getting closer and closer… I wonder if this guys kids are cyclopes'?

  • FNMA

    Leave Trig alone!

    • Ducksworthy

      Trig will have a bright future in politics. He was fortunate to have been born into the right party.

  • jus_wonderin

    Tyler is such a beautiful part of the state. It is sad that this shit stains it so.

  • Boojum_Reborn

    We should drop healthcare on Libya. It's not like we're using it.

    • DaRooster

      And we are all pocketing tons of cash by not doing so…

      …and having abortions.

  • mavenmaven

    "Obama's depletin' the military, not like us Republicans who so love the military that we caused over 30,000 wounded in an unnecessary war while cutting the budget for the VA health care system to ensure they don't get proper care or rehab"

    • baconzgood

      TRUTH LIBEL!!!

      • DaRooster

        Unnecessary? They had weepeens of mass distraction.

  • http://www.marinmaven.com marinmaven

    The Ready Reserve Corps of doctors and other health workers will report to the surgeon general in times of health emergencies like a major epidemic, bio-terror attack, or any disaster of wide scope.

    The GOP: Preparation is Tyranny. (Right, Brownie?)

    • Sparky_McGruff

      Heckofajob, Brownie!

  • baconzgood

    WOW! This is Glenn Beck BAT SHIT INSANE! Kutos to you Rep. Gohmert. Now here's your Haloperidol injection.

    Edit:

    I still can't figure how to do that red linky thing but the joke would be funny if you clicked on Haloperidol and linked to this- http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH00006

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Could he not shave those four hairs at the top for one photo?!

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      He probably tends to those four hairs like Tommy Chong tends to his prize-winning Purple Haze seedlings.

    • widestanceroman

      Hey, now, he spent a lot of time pulling those back hairs up and into place.

    • trondant

      Those are his antennae, duh.

    • Not_So_Much

      Those are brand new transplants from his taint that he's nurturing.

  • PublicLuxury

    I thought that Obama was trying to make everybody in the Country sick so they would all go to the doctor on the very same day, at the very same time, say 9:00 am to overwhem the healthcare system. Then the system would fail and evil socialist butt reaming assholes would all get the same helathcare that Ben Quayle has.

  • pukebot

    pube transplants?

    • nounverb911

      Did he get them from Clarence Thomas?

      • trondant

        Perhaps they shared a can of Coke.

  • edgydrifter

    Follow the chemtrails to the secret UN concentration camps in the Mojave Desert. That's where the Bilderbergers and the Carlyle Group have set up George Soros' underground shadow government complex. The level 5 biocontainment facility there will protect them when the ChiComs use the Stuxnet virus to hijack CIA drones loaded with weaponized anthrax spores that will rain down on US America. Only those who have accepted the mark of the beast will be saved–saved to serve as slaves on Obama's collective farms run by ReadyCorps centurions. Obamacare was the first step, Libya will be the last. People, are you blind???

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      OK, as long as there's no Sharia Law.

    • FNMA

      You forgot the reverse vampires. Everybody always forgets the reverse vampires.

    • LesBontemps

      Needs moar chalkboard.

    • DownFist Troll

      Defeat teh Nude Whirled Odor! Vote Paul/Paul 2012!!!!

      • jqheywood

        Visualize whirled peas!

    • ChessieNefercat

      What I really like about your post is picturing our downfister stumbling across it, reading it, moving his lips, tongue flapping through his increasingly agitated mouth breathing, as he realizes he FOUND IT, the true liberal plan, it's all true, yes it is, and he, yes he, found the proof, and scuttling away to TELL EVERYONE!

    • http://www.marinmaven.com marinmaven

      It takes an iron spine, black and white world view, and careless immorality that comes from thinking they're eternally saved to pull off stuff like this. Only republicans are capable of this. Republicans are The Empire, liberals are the Ewoks. Our only hope is that our scrappy band of rebels will get lucky while the villain monologues too long.

      Liberals will break into caucuses and into working groups to worry about the environmental impact and long term consequences of such actions. They can organize Burning Man, not so much death camps.

      • emmelemm

        I was really liking your analogy, but then I remembered, didn't the Ewoks actually defeat the Empire? Cuz… yeah, that only happens in the movies.

        • http://www.marinmaven.com marinmaven

          As a Marin writer almost next door to Lucas Ranch, I am obligated to make a Star Wars referance occasionally.

          If memory serves the plucky ewoks only had time to save the day because the Emperor was too busy monologuing and trying to taunt Luke to the Dark Side. Republicans would destroy Endor first, and THEN trashtalk and blame it on the Rebellion (ie. liberals),

    • Schmannnity

      I feel like a just read a program preview for George Noory and Coast to Coast AM.

  • neiltheblaze

    Did Gohmert do a bunch of Owsley in college and never come down?

    • trondant

      College?

      • neiltheblaze

        Yep. Texas A&M University according to his bio.

        • trondant

          Well, that explains it. When you get mistaken for a rival frat's goat mascot – kidnapped and abused every home game weekend for four seven years of school, I can see how he got to where he is today.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    The Tomahawk missiles are going to have ghey sex with Gadaffy and produce dozens, dozens I tell you, of terrorist babies who will poop on the Second Amendment !!!

  • EdFlintstone

    Early morning republican meeting:

    Somebody go out on the floor and try to connect Libya with healthcare. Not me, I'll sound stupid. Louie Gohmert—–I'll do it, I got nothing to lose.

  • metamarcisf

    Has Hollywood put out a casting call for "Sling Blade 2"?

  • GOPCrusher

    I'm betting that Louie is bald because he wears his tinfoil helmet too tightly.

  • bumfug

    Remind me why we're supposed to give a fuck if Texas secedes.

    • metamarcisf

      The Dallas Cowboys? Nevermind…

    • genxr

      Kicking the crap out of the Texas Rangers in the World Series?

    • SorosBot

      Molly Ivins? No wait, she's dead. Anne Richards? Nope; dead too. Hm, I'll need to keep thinking.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Austin. Austin is cool. And the Riverwalk in San Antonio is nice. Other than that, she's all yours Mexico!

    • MrFizzy

      Unfortunately even if it seceded it would still presumably be attached to the mainland.

    • greypanter

      Because Texas has erl like Libeeyuh do?

    • HistoriCat

      Because once the Texas government started oppressing us liberals Obama would feel the need to intervene on humanitarian grounds and he just can't afford any more wars damn it!

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      SXSW

  • GOPCrusher

    You know who else created a corps of non-commissioned and commissioned officers that could be called up in a moment's notice?

    • genxr

      Geek Squad?

    • SorosBot

      Gaius Marius?

      • trondant

        Biggus Dickus, but you were close.

    • elviouslyqueer
    • LesBontemps

      Buckaroo Banzai?

    • DownFist Troll

      Oscar Wilde?

    • SorosBot

      Zordon?

    • neiltheblaze

      Priscilla, Queen of the Desert?

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      Don Corleone?

    • trondant

      Sgt. Pepper?

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Is this the guy they based Forest Gump on?
    He seems more evil like.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Gohmert Pyle US Dipshit.

  • arihaya

    i don't know who he is but his name sounds familiar and Biblical

    oh yes of course,, Sodom and Gohmert that is

  • jus_wonderin

    Who left the jar open and let this waste of tissue get out????

  • poncho_pilot

    the Salvation Army would launch a Crusade if they could though.

  • qwerty42

    Well, gosh darnit, if you can't trust rightwing chain emails, what can you trust?

    • baconzgood

      Dear qwerty42,

      Make 100 copies of the letter below and send it to 100 of your fox news friends if you break this chain Obama will steal your freedom and force you into a FEMA camp to have an abortion….

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      I checked it out on Snopes and it's 100% true!!1

  • Gopherit

    Obama is depleting our precious bodily fluids, Mandrake. Get me a grain alcohol and rainwater, stat.

    Every time Gohmert speaks, I marvel at the miracle that he's never drowned in a rainstorm.

  • poncho_pilot

    ha. just thinking the same thing.

    "i don't know they could stack shit that high, Private Pyle."

  • mereoblivion

    So wait, now, Jack: You're saying Obama ISN'T in Libya so he can call up secret-health-care troops? So why's he there then, anyway, huh?

  • nounverb911

    When did Gohmert Pyle get out of the Marines?

    (Apologies to Monsieur_Grumpe.)

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    The simple answer to this is to stop providing our troops with government health care. I'm sure they all can pick up affordable individual plans.

    • genxr

      All those troops attempting to find private coverage for lingering war injuries and PTSD will surely spur innovation!

  • Schmannnity

    Barbara Bush's Miscarriage-In-A-Jar lives!

  • Radiotherapy

    There are two great, modern bogie men to these rubes.
    Terrorists = Muslims, and
    Single Payer = Communism

    So, our brilliant genius dickhead just combines them for wingtard hysteria.

    • catholic4condom

      Don't you realize they're one in the same? BTW it's not just single payer = communism but any law regulating the health insurance industry to prevent denial of coverage for pre-existing conditions = communism.

  • __kth__

    fried shrimp, bawled shrimp, shrimp gumbo, shrimp creole

  • Ducksworthy

    Can we pass a constitutional amendment to the effect that members elected to congress shall not be seated until they take the MMPI and are proven not to be insane? The ones who insist that Gawd is talking to them on the radio, can be shipped back to Texas.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Or just shipped to Texas. They don't have to be from there, right? Once ours fail the test, I don't want them to stay here.

  • poncho_pilot

    i'd pay good money to watch that fight.

    • DaRooster

      Them Shriners dress like Arabs… ain't that what we been watchin'?

      (Anyone that ain't white is either Chinee, Arab or Kenyan right?)

      • Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

        They don't just dress like Arabs, the full name of their organization is the "Ancient Arabic Order of the Nobles of the Mystic Shrine", and they have both a scimitar and a star-and-crescent in their logo. I'm amazed they haven't all been put in Gitmo yet.

        • widestanceroman

          Those little cars have more power than you'd think.

          • Not_So_Much

            That's what I was thinking. You gotta give them the edge based upon their expertise in tiny car drill-team maneuvers.

      • poncho_pilot

        don't forget the mescans. but really, they're all some shade of brown and they all eat a lot of rice. Mercans don't eat rice unless it's battered and deep fried. like our women.

        • DaRooster

          Like when Cheech was teaching Asians to be Messicans to get into the USA? Goes both ways I guess.

          • poncho_pilot

            Mexican Americans take night school Spanish and get a B.

          • catholic4condom

            That's Anglo-Americans would get if they took English

  • PublicLuxury

    The death of the brain is no laughing matter. Just look at what happens. Poor thing. He needs mental health care. I think there are 'day care' centers that focus on adults with these kinds of issues.

  • Crank_Tango

    yeah I could go for some irrational exuberance right now.

    this fucking country is like it is being run by 8 year olds who want to eat pizza for every meal and insist it is not the reason they are so fat.

    • DaRooster

      "I'm fat because YOU made me that way mom."

  • owhatever

    Nurse Ratchett, please deplete Congressman Gomer.

  • DownFist Troll

    I knew, it, he wants beck's time slot.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Whoa whoa wwwhhhoooaaa!
    A story about someone from Texas that does not involve drowning their babies in a bathtub or someone getting shot in the face at a Church! I'm a gonna bookmark this one.

    • jus_wonderin

      Well, sadly, where he is from…a woman stoned her kids 'cuz God told her too. But that was a few years back.

    • ThundercatHo

      Don't forget fags gettin' drug behind trucks.

  • pinkocommi

    By the same logic, Obama should continue to build nuclear reactors on fault lines at sea level within easy reach of tsunamis and also allow the release of mercury from smokestacks so that it makes its way into our food chain and eventually absolutely everyone will come down with cancer. The trouble is that cancer patients find it hard to organize and protest between chemo treatments and then they die.

  • Schmannnity

    That forehead should say

    Your Company's Name Here

    • hilacious

      Plenty of room for Koch!

    • elviouslyqueer

      This Space For Rent, more like.

  • DaRooster

    Cue banjo…

    Hey make THAT the National Anthem!

  • Lascauxcaveman

    iPod test

  • MrFizzy

    Louie the Lightbulb strikes again. Department of Getting What We Deserve.

    • GOPCrusher

      I'm sure the people of Tyler, TX are beaming with pride at their Representative and can't understand why the rest of America doesn't send right-minded people like Louie to Congress.
      Americuh would be a much better place.

  • VinnyThePooh

    Actually, the Libya squirmish is a distraction for selling arms to Mexi…Whoops! You didn't hear that.

  • elviouslyqueer

    No no. That's in Appendix 2 of Plan B.

    • poncho_pilot

      i'm going to need a chalk board or an etch-a-sketch so i don't get confused.

  • timbo71351

    Is that guy's district just full of dumb-asses? You can't tell me those people are proud to have someone like that representing them in Washington. There's not some decent county commissioner or state legislator who could run against him? I mean, he may be the stupidest person in Congress. And that is saying something.

    • __kth__

      Tyler, TX iirc. And yes, every time Gohmer gets off a good one they blow Ensure through their nostrils.

  • Limeylizzie

    This is a serious question, American pals, how can someone this unbelieveably ignorant get elected to anything?

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Believe me, it is tooooo easy in parts of this country. Inbreeding and paying no attention when education is attempted are parts of the puzzle's answer. People (assuming that Louie is sentient) like Gohmert mouth certain words, people shake their heads up and down, and he's in. It is embarrassing. It is as if some, instead of enjoying Monty Python as comedy, consider it a blueprint for behavior.

      • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

        Agreed, don't forget that most people in his district have no idea who Louie Gohmert is, and when told that he is their congressman they probably shrug and say "oh that's nice".

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Many of us are not particularly smart (that's the average at work), and many of us are dreadfully underinformed about events outside our daily lives. As to why we're underinformed, I'd say religion. Christianity (like Islam) has as one of its key concepts that your physical life is infinitely less important than your prospective afterlife. Why would someone who believe that (with some amount of strength) go to the trouble of figuring out how the world works, or whether your congressman is a cretin?

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    If I listened correctly (and I like to believe that I did), he said that Obama could "involuntarily" call up this crack fighting force of cardiologists and plastic surgeons. So, if someone taps Obama's knee with a little rubber mallet, we could be up to our armpits in practitioners?

  • Beowoof

    I don't know, I think Gomer was a fucking Rhodes Scholar compared to this schmuck.

    • catholic4condom

      and a marine to boot

  • unclejeems

    You heard the old Marx Brothers' saw that "Nacogdoches is full of roaches"? Well, da Gohmster here "represents" Nacogdoches, Tyler, Longview and similar noxious little sinkholes in the deep east Texas First. We talkin deep in the Piney Woods, right up next to Luziana, crotch end of the Bible Belt and Jesus is the lord of my life, clear up into the 20th Century lynchin, beered down, trailer park knocked up, swamped out, real, real deep ignerance. In other words, my sainted mother's people.

    And even if he weren't that bad, he couldn't act otherwise and get elected.

    And you ain't seen nothin' yet. Wait 'til some of the Yahoos currently "sitting" in the Texas leg get promoted to Congress.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    As I've said all along, The Minutemen are guarding the wrong border. They and the Border Fence should be positioned around Texas

  • Troglodeity

    Boehner: "Release the Gohmert!"

  • Joey_Ratz

    Louie Gohmert: so stupid he couldn't be elected in Arizona. Think about that, willya?

  • HistoriCat

    I didn't think Gohmert could come up with anything more ridiculous than his "terror anchor baby" freakout last year but he did it. Well done Louie – kudos.

  • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

    Would that make him a Chicken fucker?

  • frostbitefalls

    I'd call him a dickhead, but I like dick.

  • catholic4condom

    Keep up the crazy talk and what's going to happen when Obama is re-elected? Someone is going to believe this and feel that it is his patriotic duty to do something about it like that dude in Arizona.

  • gvvt

    "…I've been greatly concerned with the hypocrisy of this administration telling Israel, "Just let Palestinians build illegal settlements and take over areas that are not theirs. Just let 'em take over." Louis Gohmert (Reprehensible TX) 11/15/2010

  • ttommyunger

    Most commonly heard reply to a Louie Gohmert pronouncement: "Who farted?"

  • PlanetWingNut

    why haz no one found him with a male hooker yet?