a majestic hawk with autism

Gohmert: Obama In Libya So He Can Call Up Secret Health-Care-Law Troops

Hard to argue with that face.Most conservatives hate everything President Obama does. But they love war. Love it! They would go to war with half the world if they had a Republican president in office who would let them. So the cognitive dissonance has been pretty tough on this Libya thing. On the one hand, evil Kenyan! On the other hand, look at all those sexy bombs we’re dropping on the brown people! But finally Rep. Louie Gohmert figured out why Obama seems to also like war a lot right now: he’s secretly HURTING our military so he can create troops made entirely out of health care reform. Nooooo! That health care reform is poison! They’re going to be poison troops! (But also THANK GOD. This means Republicans aren’t REALLY opposing an actual war. Just health care for people who desperately need it.)

How do you know this conspiracy theory is fact? It’s verified by a string of old white conservative e-mail chain letters. Hard to argue with that.

Please pray for the people of Libya. Instead of being burned alive by our weapons like they should, they could be GIVEN HEALTH CARE. Scary stuff. [Media Matters]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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159 comments

  1. facehead

    Something about that photo which says: Yes, I've tried putting a tampon in my ass, so what?

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Photographer: "Okay, Mr. Gohmert, we're all set up and ready to shoot, just look at the camera and say 'herp-derp!'"

        Gohmert: "Herp! Derp!"

        1. Not_So_Much

          Wherez duh jerbs?!?!11?!

          How fucked up is his district that they keep electing a guy who's eyeballs point directly at one another from a centimeter apart? (I only say that because I assume the metric system make him so mad.)

    1. Terry

      He's not a big reader. His favorite book is the Bible, but of course he couldn't tell you the Ten Commandments

    2. powersuit

      Sorry. No. It's the O'Reilly Factor for Kids.

      Plus, what's the deal with the carefully-tended half tonsure? Dude, your hair's gone. Just shave it and put it out of its misery.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Is it just me, or does that dude's head look like the tip of a penis?

      Fixed. And yes.

  2. jus_wonderin

    That photo is just screamin' "Why yes, he is carrying my luggage. Why do you ask?"

    Updated: I watched the video. What a dick!

  3. Beetagger

    Eyes are too close together. My eugenics textbook says that's an indication that he's dumb as fuck.

      1. DaRooster

        A friend told me about this guy that took pics of southern families and on down the line their eyes were getting closer and closer… I wonder if this guys kids are cyclopes'?

    1. Ducksworthy

      Trig will have a bright future in politics. He was fortunate to have been born into the right party.

  4. mavenmaven

    "Obama's depletin' the military, not like us Republicans who so love the military that we caused over 30,000 wounded in an unnecessary war while cutting the budget for the VA health care system to ensure they don't get proper care or rehab"

  5. marinmaven

    The Ready Reserve Corps of doctors and other health workers will report to the surgeon general in times of health emergencies like a major epidemic, bio-terror attack, or any disaster of wide scope.

    The GOP: Preparation is Tyranny. (Right, Brownie?)

  6. PublicLuxury

    I thought that Obama was trying to make everybody in the Country sick so they would all go to the doctor on the very same day, at the very same time, say 9:00 am to overwhem the healthcare system. Then the system would fail and evil socialist butt reaming assholes would all get the same helathcare that Ben Quayle has.

  7. edgydrifter

    Follow the chemtrails to the secret UN concentration camps in the Mojave Desert. That's where the Bilderbergers and the Carlyle Group have set up George Soros' underground shadow government complex. The level 5 biocontainment facility there will protect them when the ChiComs use the Stuxnet virus to hijack CIA drones loaded with weaponized anthrax spores that will rain down on US America. Only those who have accepted the mark of the beast will be saved–saved to serve as slaves on Obama's collective farms run by ReadyCorps centurions. Obamacare was the first step, Libya will be the last. People, are you blind???

    1. ChessieNefercat

      What I really like about your post is picturing our downfister stumbling across it, reading it, moving his lips, tongue flapping through his increasingly agitated mouth breathing, as he realizes he FOUND IT, the true liberal plan, it's all true, yes it is, and he, yes he, found the proof, and scuttling away to TELL EVERYONE!

    2. marinmaven

      It takes an iron spine, black and white world view, and careless immorality that comes from thinking they're eternally saved to pull off stuff like this. Only republicans are capable of this. Republicans are The Empire, liberals are the Ewoks. Our only hope is that our scrappy band of rebels will get lucky while the villain monologues too long.

      Liberals will break into caucuses and into working groups to worry about the environmental impact and long term consequences of such actions. They can organize Burning Man, not so much death camps.

      1. emmelemm

        I was really liking your analogy, but then I remembered, didn't the Ewoks actually defeat the Empire? Cuz… yeah, that only happens in the movies.

        1. marinmaven

          As a Marin writer almost next door to Lucas Ranch, I am obligated to make a Star Wars referance occasionally.

          If memory serves the plucky ewoks only had time to save the day because the Emperor was too busy monologuing and trying to taunt Luke to the Dark Side. Republicans would destroy Endor first, and THEN trashtalk and blame it on the Rebellion (ie. liberals),

        1. trondant

          Well, that explains it. When you get mistaken for a rival frat's goat mascot – kidnapped and abused every home game weekend for four seven years of school, I can see how he got to where he is today.

  8. weejee

    The Tomahawk missiles are going to have ghey sex with Gadaffy and produce dozens, dozens I tell you, of terrorist babies who will poop on the Second Amendment !!!

  9. EdFlintstone

    Early morning republican meeting:

    Somebody go out on the floor and try to connect Libya with healthcare. Not me, I'll sound stupid. Louie Gohmert—–I'll do it, I got nothing to lose.

    1. SorosBot

      Molly Ivins? No wait, she's dead. Anne Richards? Nope; dead too. Hm, I'll need to keep thinking.

    2. elviouslyqueer

      Austin. Austin is cool. And the Riverwalk in San Antonio is nice. Other than that, she's all yours Mexico!

    3. HistoriCat

      Because once the Texas government started oppressing us liberals Obama would feel the need to intervene on humanitarian grounds and he just can't afford any more wars damn it!

  10. GOPCrusher

    You know who else created a corps of non-commissioned and commissioned officers that could be called up in a moment's notice?

  11. arihaya

    i don't know who he is but his name sounds familiar and Biblical

    oh yes of course,, Sodom and Gohmert that is

    1. baconzgood

      Dear qwerty42,

      Make 100 copies of the letter below and send it to 100 of your fox news friends if you break this chain Obama will steal your freedom and force you into a FEMA camp to have an abortion….

  12. Gopherit

    Obama is depleting our precious bodily fluids, Mandrake. Get me a grain alcohol and rainwater, stat.

    Every time Gohmert speaks, I marvel at the miracle that he's never drowned in a rainstorm.

  13. poncho_pilot

    ha. just thinking the same thing.

    "i don't know they could stack shit that high, Private Pyle."

  14. mereoblivion

    So wait, now, Jack: You're saying Obama ISN'T in Libya so he can call up secret-health-care troops? So why's he there then, anyway, huh?

  15. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    The simple answer to this is to stop providing our troops with government health care. I'm sure they all can pick up affordable individual plans.

    1. genxr

      All those troops attempting to find private coverage for lingering war injuries and PTSD will surely spur innovation!

  16. Radiotherapy

    There are two great, modern bogie men to these rubes.
    Terrorists = Muslims, and
    Single Payer = Communism

    So, our brilliant genius dickhead just combines them for wingtard hysteria.

    1. catholic4condom

      Don't you realize they're one in the same? BTW it's not just single payer = communism but any law regulating the health insurance industry to prevent denial of coverage for pre-existing conditions = communism.

  17. Ducksworthy

    Can we pass a constitutional amendment to the effect that members elected to congress shall not be seated until they take the MMPI and are proven not to be insane? The ones who insist that Gawd is talking to them on the radio, can be shipped back to Texas.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Or just shipped to Texas. They don't have to be from there, right? Once ours fail the test, I don't want them to stay here.

    1. DaRooster

      Them Shriners dress like Arabs… ain't that what we been watchin'?

      (Anyone that ain't white is either Chinee, Arab or Kenyan right?)

      1. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

        They don't just dress like Arabs, the full name of their organization is the "Ancient Arabic Order of the Nobles of the Mystic Shrine", and they have both a scimitar and a star-and-crescent in their logo. I'm amazed they haven't all been put in Gitmo yet.

          1. Not_So_Much

            That's what I was thinking. You gotta give them the edge based upon their expertise in tiny car drill-team maneuvers.

      2. poncho_pilot

        don't forget the mescans. but really, they're all some shade of brown and they all eat a lot of rice. Mercans don't eat rice unless it's battered and deep fried. like our women.

        1. DaRooster

          Like when Cheech was teaching Asians to be Messicans to get into the USA? Goes both ways I guess.

  18. PublicLuxury

    The death of the brain is no laughing matter. Just look at what happens. Poor thing. He needs mental health care. I think there are 'day care' centers that focus on adults with these kinds of issues.

  19. Crank_Tango

    yeah I could go for some irrational exuberance right now.

    this fucking country is like it is being run by 8 year olds who want to eat pizza for every meal and insist it is not the reason they are so fat.

  20. DerrickWildcat

    Whoa whoa wwwhhhoooaaa!
    A story about someone from Texas that does not involve drowning their babies in a bathtub or someone getting shot in the face at a Church! I'm a gonna bookmark this one.

    1. jus_wonderin

      Well, sadly, where he is from…a woman stoned her kids 'cuz God told her too. But that was a few years back.

  21. pinkocommi

    By the same logic, Obama should continue to build nuclear reactors on fault lines at sea level within easy reach of tsunamis and also allow the release of mercury from smokestacks so that it makes its way into our food chain and eventually absolutely everyone will come down with cancer. The trouble is that cancer patients find it hard to organize and protest between chemo treatments and then they die.

    1. GOPCrusher

      I'm sure the people of Tyler, TX are beaming with pride at their Representative and can't understand why the rest of America doesn't send right-minded people like Louie to Congress.
      Americuh would be a much better place.

  22. VinnyThePooh

    Actually, the Libya squirmish is a distraction for selling arms to Mexi…Whoops! You didn't hear that.

  23. timbo71351

    Is that guy's district just full of dumb-asses? You can't tell me those people are proud to have someone like that representing them in Washington. There's not some decent county commissioner or state legislator who could run against him? I mean, he may be the stupidest person in Congress. And that is saying something.

    1. __kth__

      Tyler, TX iirc. And yes, every time Gohmer gets off a good one they blow Ensure through their nostrils.

  24. Limeylizzie

    This is a serious question, American pals, how can someone this unbelieveably ignorant get elected to anything?

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Believe me, it is tooooo easy in parts of this country. Inbreeding and paying no attention when education is attempted are parts of the puzzle's answer. People (assuming that Louie is sentient) like Gohmert mouth certain words, people shake their heads up and down, and he's in. It is embarrassing. It is as if some, instead of enjoying Monty Python as comedy, consider it a blueprint for behavior.

      1. trampndirtdown

        Agreed, don't forget that most people in his district have no idea who Louie Gohmert is, and when told that he is their congressman they probably shrug and say "oh that's nice".

    2. ShaveTheWhales

      Many of us are not particularly smart (that's the average at work), and many of us are dreadfully underinformed about events outside our daily lives. As to why we're underinformed, I'd say religion. Christianity (like Islam) has as one of its key concepts that your physical life is infinitely less important than your prospective afterlife. Why would someone who believe that (with some amount of strength) go to the trouble of figuring out how the world works, or whether your congressman is a cretin?

  25. GunToting[Redacted]

    If I listened correctly (and I like to believe that I did), he said that Obama could "involuntarily" call up this crack fighting force of cardiologists and plastic surgeons. So, if someone taps Obama's knee with a little rubber mallet, we could be up to our armpits in practitioners?

  26. unclejeems

    You heard the old Marx Brothers' saw that "Nacogdoches is full of roaches"? Well, da Gohmster here "represents" Nacogdoches, Tyler, Longview and similar noxious little sinkholes in the deep east Texas First. We talkin deep in the Piney Woods, right up next to Luziana, crotch end of the Bible Belt and Jesus is the lord of my life, clear up into the 20th Century lynchin, beered down, trailer park knocked up, swamped out, real, real deep ignerance. In other words, my sainted mother's people.

    And even if he weren't that bad, he couldn't act otherwise and get elected.

    And you ain't seen nothin' yet. Wait 'til some of the Yahoos currently "sitting" in the Texas leg get promoted to Congress.

  27. HistoriCat

    I didn't think Gohmert could come up with anything more ridiculous than his "terror anchor baby" freakout last year but he did it. Well done Louie – kudos.

  28. catholic4condom

    Keep up the crazy talk and what's going to happen when Obama is re-elected? Someone is going to believe this and feel that it is his patriotic duty to do something about it like that dude in Arizona.

  29. gvvt

    "…I've been greatly concerned with the hypocrisy of this administration telling Israel, "Just let Palestinians build illegal settlements and take over areas that are not theirs. Just let 'em take over." Louis Gohmert (Reprehensible TX) 11/15/2010

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