it's morning in america

Brave Wingnut Crusades Against Creeping Sharia In Alaska

Yes. In Alaska.

  • Sarah Palin’s “Alaska” is already gearing up to dismantle all the unions, forever. But what could make this embarrassing ice colony even more American? Probably a law that would prevent Muslims from honor-killing all the delicate white women, legally, in Alaska court! And hooray, this is exactly what some wingnut state representative wants, and he’s even introduced a bill that would stop “the potential of Islamic religious law — Sharia — from trumping the U.S. Constitution in Alaska courts.” The bill’s author, State Rep. Carl Gatto (R-Obviously), has received hundreds of supportive emails, as well as “phone calls from places like New Zealand, Poland and Israel in support of his bill.” Yes, the Alaska House of Representatives has a mandate from Poland to stop Islamic religious law in Juneau. (What is happening?) In retaliation, a member of the Islamic Community Center of Alaska sent Gatto an email politely asking him to stop being such a dumb asshole … Don’t Tread on Him! [ADN]
  • This is the obligatory link confirming that everything in Japan is still awful. [CNN]
  • A morbidly obese Ohio man was found “fused” to his favorite chair, which he hadn’t moved from in two years. The police say that the man’s body was covered in poop and maggots. Good morning! [NewsCore]
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About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman

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187 comments

      1. OneDollarJuana

        Clarence Thomas's soul is fused to a LaZBoy covered in poop and maggots. Correction. Thomas's soul is poop and maggots.

      1. James Michael Curley

        Christie is driven around in the front passenger seat of a Cadillac Escalade. Last time I saw him get out of it I swear he makes the same sound that jellied cranberry sauce makes when it finally slides out of the can. His seat is mounted on a swivel track and looks like it is mounted with no leg room in the rear. (Sorry about that, mentioning rear and Christie in the same post.)

        1. jqheywood

          …the same sound that jellied cranberry sauce makes when it finally slides out of the can.

          FTW! I now have a mental image, complete with a wonderful soundtrack, that will make my morning an odyssey in nausea…thanks!

        2. Mumbletypeg

          What a priceless scene that must have been to behold, Gov. Christie swiveling in his passenger seat and quivering like a greased eel..

        3. widestanceroman

          Is it true that anyone standing within 10 feet of the car is then sucked into the other side when he exits?

    1. xsluggo

      Limbaugh. He then sucked up the fatest maggots and left the poop for a bedtime treat, to be polished off with a glass of warm, bubbly urine.

  1. Monsieur_Grumpe

    "State Rep. Carl Gatto (R-Obviously), has received hundreds of supportive emails, as well as “phone calls from places like New Zealand, Poland and Israel in support of his bill.”

    That’s what you get when you answer those Nigerian emails.

    1. chicken_thief

      Gatto is trying to claim the mantle of "Craziest Eye-tal-ee-un Carl in Politics" now that Paladino is history.

    1. riverside68

      Unfortunately I had, now I have to eat again.
      Gotta learn: no Riley first thing in the morning, ease into the day with some Ken or Jack before going to the harder Stuef.

    2. tcaalaw

      Nausea at reading such a story is nature's way of helping you not become so morbidly obese that you fuse into an armchair soaked with your own waste.

      1. riverside68

        And maggots are nature's way of using you if your fused to the armchair by your own waste. The circle of life, isn't nature wonderful?

  2. DaSandman

    I am channeling John Carpenter now. We just round up all these wingnut extremists in a coast to coast sweep, dump them in Alaska and build a big wall.

    Escape From Alaska indeed.

    1. ThundercatHo

      Better plan – fuse them to their armchairs (like that would be hard – just turn on fux nuze and give them all the deep-fried, chocolate chip pancake covered sausage on a stick they could ever eat) and let the maggots have 'em

    2. GeneralLerong

      No, no – send them back to Arkansas, where they came from during The Pipeline Years. Or maybe South Dakota.

  3. Serolf_Divad

    A morbidly obese Ohio man was found “fused” to his favorite chair, which he hadn’t moved from in two years.

    AKIRA!

        1. riverside68

          My understanding is one is on contract to the CIA/NSA.
          That way we support both of them, and they are oversighted by different congressional committees, but both of them are reporting on the Shria law plot, which give us independently sourced backup.
          Bingo, more money to investigate AK muslins. (Isn't AK where government agents are sent when their fuckups become public?)

  4. randcoolcatdaddy

    The only way Alaska's state government could be more retarded is if it where Wisonsin's state government.

    1. jqheywood

      Or Michigan's.
      Or Ohio's.
      Or Arizona's.
      Or Indiana's.
      Or South Dakota's.
      Or…oh what the hell….we are all just [redacted].

  5. Come here a minute

    Good for Alaska! Honor killing should be reserved for a hockey dad who is angry about a bad call against his son "Stick", as Jesus intended.

  6. gef05

    "the potential of Islamic religious law — Sharia — from trumping the U.S. Constitution in Alaska courts.”

    Well and fine, but wont somebody think of the Martians? Once they take over we'll have to poop out of the tops of our heads, and eat pig-iron for breakfast.

  7. Trannysurprise

    That's the glory of Sharia Law. You can weigh 800 lbs, sit in your own poop, never lift a finger to care for yourself and still make some bitch be your girlfriend.

    1. freakishlywrong

      I'll be honest Terry. I'm not disappointed. Morbidly obese people sitting will be a dime a dozen today at the teajadist rally later today. Which will be breathlessly covered by all media.

      1. Terry

        True, but it's is hard to look away when the fire department is cutting the wall and door out of a house to get a person out.

    2. CapeClod

      I have to admit, the picture of the guy carrying his stomach around in a wheelbarrow that pops up here on a regular basis has satiated my appetite for fatty portraits.

    3. James Michael Curley

      18 mm wide angle lenses are not the usual fare of small town reporter/photographers.

    4. riverside68

      I had a client who rear ended a "morbidly obese" person whose obesity became part of the damages argument. I had to review photos and medical history. She had been treated for yeast infection in the fat folds.
      Thank you Reily for for no photos.

      1. karen

        The 3 bean salad on top of a salad and a refried bean pocket were not the things to be eating while reading today.

  8. Beowoof

    What's the difference between Sharia and that Biblical law the wing nuts want to impose on us? Biblical law is from white people so it must be saintly.

    Really, the guy lived with two people and they let his fat ass fuse to the chair. They didn't even do a diet intervention they just kept bringing him French Fries, Chicken McNuggets and doughnuts. Wow.

    1. Jim89048

      I realize that a socialist civil servant cop may have elitist tendencies and it's only natural that he'd want to destroy any of his clothing that may have come into contact with such a maggot-infested Fatty McFattypants, but what about the girlfriend and other roommate? One can only imagine how well-received they might be in their lives outside the house, presuming they ever left the house?

      1. zhubajie

        Probably they'll each "write" memoirs, get on Dancing with the Stars, have "reality" TV shows, etc., before you know it.

    2. widestanceroman

      They had a bet to see how long his own waste mound would push him to the ceiling, then they swear they were going to do the right thing and get the man help.

      A bet's a bet, ya know?

    3. zhubajie

      Not much different at all. Probably ancient Israelites were as "white" as modern Palestinians.

  9. PsycWench

    This bill is to keep Sharia law from trumping the U.S. Constitution in Alaska? Did Alaska secede without our notice, or is the Constitution optional in Alaska? Also, why bring The Donald into it?

  10. metamarcisf

    I hope the morbidly obese guy is going to be okay. After all, obesity is the second leading cause of death among fat Americans, next to the number one cause: being scared to death.

  11. Fare la Volpe

    [S]he had no idea how bad his condition was since he covered himself with a blanket every time she came to visit

    "Aside from the chronic smell of urine, shit, and decaying flesh, they were model tenants."

    1. zhubajie

      Hey, my experience is that Ohio landlords will ignore anything, so long as they can collect the rent and don't have to do any maintenance.

  12. hollywooddood

    I can't decide which is worse, sitting in shit and maggots for two years or being a Republican.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      There's a difference? If by "sitting in shit and maggots" you mean sitting in front of Fox news, mouth agape, moving your lips to the more "complicated" stories…

    2. riverside68

      Ask any libertarian. sitting in shit and maggots is a "victimless" crime. Repuglicans are victimizing 99.9% of us for the benefit of 0.1%.

  13. SorosBot

    It's better to have moronic wingnut state legislators waste their time on trying to ban something that not one single person has attempted to do, and which is already banned by the Constitution anyway, than in the active pursuit of pure evil as in Wisconsin and Michigan.

    1. James Michael Curley

      Then there is Eric Cantor's statement that the Republican budget bill HR-1 becomes law automatically on March 6, 2011 whether the Senate OK's it or not because he put a paragraph in the bill stating that.

      The only reason for this moronocity may be that he was raised Orthodox and could not watch "Shoolhouse Rocks" on TV saturday mornings.

  14. weejee

    Mmmmm, Gatto's fan club includes Pam Geller. Well no surprise there. But will Gatto's worst hair dye job ever lead to Gatto gaining Geller's grotto for buttsechs?

  15. Fare la Volpe

    Naturally, the wingnuts on the obese man story aren't offended by the horrid sloth and moral decay of a man too lazy to leave his chair, but by the fact that he might have been on welfare.

    Of course, you have to pick up your welfare check in person, but don't let that stop a good old-fashioned knee jerk.

  16. philpjfry

    In the words of John Prine: " It don't make no sense that common sense don't make no sense no more"

    1. Oblios_Cap

      Not to mention his other nuggets o' wisdom like "Your flag decal won't get you into Heaven anymore" , "Jesus don't like killin' no matter what the reason's for", and the classic "Farm machinery cutting off people's arms and legs".

  17. mrblifil

    In an unrelated irony his girlfriend was later rushed to the very same hospital to deliver the baby she was totally unaware she was carrying.

  18. elviouslyqueer

    That picture of Gatto on the ADN site just screams "I have a couple of naked Cub Scouts tied up in my basement."

    1. anniegetyerfun

      "Gatto said he grew up in New York City, where his Italian neighborhood clung to technically illegal customs like giving a child whiskey to help with illness. But the world of other immigrants is different, he argued."

      So, he wants Muslims to give their kids whiskey? I don't have a problem with that, actually.

  19. arihaya

    as far as i know people are free to follow their religious laws (Halakhah, Sharia, 10 Commandments, Dharmas etc ) so far as it didn't contradict US laws..

    so these "anti-sharia" movements are as redundant as saying "wingnuts are asshole "

    1. zhubajie

      Most of these ignorami don't know what sharia is, anyway. It's largely the same kind of thing as halakah, Jewish "law" and not too different from RC canon "law."

  20. baconzgood

    I would never accept a phone call or e-mail from a damn Kiwi unless it was Bret or Jemaine.

  21. OneDollarJuana

    How come these "poop maggot man" stories always seem to come from the Bible Belt? Is there something in the Bible that makes them just give up?

      1. ThundercatHo

        Rust Belt is in the north part of the state and the Bible Belt begins the closer to WV and KY you get.

      2. zhubajie

        This guy lived next door to Wheeling, West Virginia. That's Appalachia. Probably he just watched TBN rather than actually reading anything as demanding as the Bible.

  22. jonzin

    Did he sit in a pile of shit for two years, or did he hold it in for two years and let it out in one shot at the end?

    1. Beowoof

      Now that letting it fly all at once could have produced the dramatic weight loss this guy needed.

        1. widestanceroman

          He could have been sent back to the future to before he put on so much 'winter weight.'

          A wasted opportunity in so many ways.

  23. Ducksworthy

    The living room where the man lived in his chair was very filthy, very deplorable. It's unbelievable that somebody lives in conditions like that,

    Fortunately he was able to vote for governor Kasich via the absentee ballot.

  24. xsluggo

    Senator Gatto, the Baby Seal Clubbers Union is truly upset by your proposal. You have been warned. And think twice before leaving your house in a white hoody. Mistakes are made.

  25. anniegetyerfun

    HOUSE BILL: Gatto worried about "cultures that are vastly different from European immigrants."

    You mean, like Native Alaskans?

  26. GregComlish

    Disgusting. Just think about the amount of shit/urine that a 600 lb man generates every day. That guy belongs in a zoo.

  27. chicken_thief

    Thank Gawd someone FINALLY had the balls to introduce that Sharia can't trump the Constitution bill. And whoever – Dem, Repub, Indie – it don't matter to me, introduces the "All Zombies must show a long form re-birth certificate before being allowed on the ballot" bill will lock up my 2012 vote!

  28. ttommyunger

    Also venomous snakes. Alaska must pass legislation to prevent snakes from invading their frozen wasteland; and lizards, also, too, in addition…

  29. KeepFnThatChicken

    Someone call Rick Santorum and let him know that Maggotass died, and can no longer go to work.

    deit: OH MY GOD, THAT DUDE IS STILL ALIVE?!

  30. anniegetyerfun

    The last two paragraphs in the ADN article, which detail how Italian Americans were treated as immigrants in the US in times past, should really fucking hit home with that asshole. They won't, of course, but they should.

  31. GregComlish

    And WTF is up with his accomplices. Why would you keep feeding this man? I could see giving him some water and vitamins so he doesn't die, but honestly you just need to let the fucker starve down to the point where he can walk his ass to the kitchen. Did those chicks have some sort of sick feeding fetish?

    1. ThundercatHo

      I know, these stories always amaze me. One would think that the person responsible for their care would be putting them on a serious diet.

  32. Mumbletypeg

    Anchorage Rep. Holmes and ACLU of Alaska director Jeffrey Mittman said the bill could cause unintended problems with international contracts that are drawn up between individuals and corporations

    Because Americuh's identity crisis regarding incorporating of personhood, or impersonating of corporations, isn't already confuzed enough.

  33. Steverino247

    Once again, I must point out that Creeping Sharia will not grow in places that are as fucking cold as Alaska. It IS possible to cultivate Creeping Sharia indoors with the proper lighting, but I'm pretty sure that's reserved for marijuana there.

  34. tcaalaw

    Except that Weird Al already parodied "My Sharona" on his very first album as "My Bologna." I don't know if he'd want to go to the same well twice.

  35. GodShammgod

    They'll crusade against Sharia law and still force women to pay for their rape kits.

    Can we please give them back to Russia?

    1. GOPCrusher

      Actually, I think this is a good reason to ban World Of Warcraft and broadband Internet connections.

  36. TheMightyHaltor

    Fused-to-Chair Guy could become a wingnut hero if he shouted "Take THAT, Michelle Obama!" as they carried him away.

  37. pdiddycornchips

    Hey, don't laugh. It may seem silly but almost all of these places that have outlawed Sharia law have not been attacked by terrorists. NYC? Los Angeles? They HAVE been attacked by terrorists! This PROVES that outlawing Sharia law magically destroys terrorism! And if you don't believe me, you are by definition a supporter of terrorism and hate 'Merca.

    1. unclejeems

      Impeccable reasoning. I'd like to outlaw Leviticus, where it says that people who screw people they're not married to should be killed. But since the Bible is the inspiration for the Constitution, I reckon that's out.

      1. northernbassist

        Not so fast, there–our Governor "Palin's lapdog" Sean Parnell is way ahead of you:
        http://www.adn.com/2011/03/23/1772266/senate-pane

        "Gov. Sean Parnell's appointee for the panel that nominates state judges testified Wednesday that he would like to see Alaskans prosecuted for having sex outside of marriage."

        But he won't let that stance (wide as it may be) prevent him from being impartial in selecting judges….christ on a crutch, I need a drink–and I'm a 23 years+ sober alcoholic….

    1. zhubajie

      I fear she knows the Pentas way too well. Probably she'll end up withher on faith-healing tongues-speaking TV show, suckering people out oftheir money for the rest of her life. Even if she does fulfill herdestiny and become the Last Pres.!

  38. Troubledog

    It's already against the law to kill people, pretty much all the time. So really, could someone just let him know? I'm sure it's a misunderstanding. Thanks.

  39. Poindexter718

    So this is just for the muslims, right? Can Todd & Tank can still cite Pentacostal cannon law and off Willer if she goes out sluttin' round?

  40. LakeLucilleLoon

    I see an episode of Hoarders coming from that Ohio story. The grossest Hoarders yet! Plus, Michelle Obama could have helped him with that obesity problem, if only she had known. Nice to know that if I become chairbound and smelly, I only have to cover myself with a blanket when people come visit, lest they find out about my "condition". That's some magic blanket for sure!

  41. MadBrahms

    On the upside, no one in Japan will ever say "Where's the beef?" again, because the beef will *glow in the dark*.

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      For the last week or so, I've been concerned that the news stories about radiation leakage have been very non-specific — "slightly over the limit" or "X times normal", without saying what the limit, or normal, is. This appeared to me to be trying to downplay the situation

      This article is pretty much the same stuff, but now we're up to 1,000+ times normal in multiple areas (but everything is still mmmmostly okay, of course).

      This could actually turn out to be pretty bad shit, at least for that region, if they ever get around to actually admitting what the deal is.

  42. MadBrahms

    "I'm more concerned about cultures that are vastly different from European immigrants", says Gotto.

    Oh? Do you mean the 91,000 indigenous Alaskans whose land you're trespassing on?

    Oh, you mean the less-than-5,000 Muslims in the state! Yeah,they really throw their weight around, don't they? You should write a book about it! You could call it "Protocols of the Elders of Fairbanks". Catchy, no?

  43. fuflans

    good thing OH just took away all those union rights for unions like police and firemen who have to scrape morbidly obese citizens off maggot infested chairs.

    gah.

  44. Negropolis

    I wasn't aware much could grow on the tundra, let alone Creeping Sharia. Meh. I guess the silent war on the Inuit wasn't enough fun for them.

  45. zhubajie

    Sharia is mostly an academic debate, like philosophy. Hence the 4 schools of Sunni Sharia and the different approaches of the many Shi'a sects. I would think that Todd P, eg, would like the "temporary marriages" some Shi'a groups have!

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