IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA  9:21 am March 31, 2011

Brave Wingnut Crusades Against Creeping Sharia In Alaska

by Riley Waggaman

Yes. In Alaska.

  • Sarah Palin’s “Alaska” is already gearing up to dismantle all the unions, forever. But what could make this embarrassing ice colony even more American? Probably a law that would prevent Muslims from honor-killing all the delicate white women, legally, in Alaska court! And hooray, this is exactly what some wingnut state representative wants, and he’s even introduced a bill that would stop “the potential of Islamic religious law — Sharia — from trumping the U.S. Constitution in Alaska courts.” The bill’s author, State Rep. Carl Gatto (R-Obviously), has received hundreds of supportive emails, as well as “phone calls from places like New Zealand, Poland and Israel in support of his bill.” Yes, the Alaska House of Representatives has a mandate from Poland to stop Islamic religious law in Juneau. (What is happening?) In retaliation, a member of the Islamic Community Center of Alaska sent Gatto an email politely asking him to stop being such a dumb asshole … Don’t Tread on Him! [ADN]
  • This is the obligatory link confirming that everything in Japan is still awful. [CNN]
  • A morbidly obese Ohio man was found “fused” to his favorite chair, which he hadn’t moved from in two years. The police say that the man’s body was covered in poop and maggots. Good morning! [NewsCore]
 
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{ 187 comments }

tcaalaw March 31, 2011 at 9:26 am

You know who else was found fused to his favorite chair covered in poop and maggots?

rileywaggs March 31, 2011 at 9:28 am

Howard Hughes?

MrsBiggTime March 31, 2011 at 9:28 am

Clarence Thomas? David Vitter? Ronnie Reagan (latter years)?

OneDollarJuana March 31, 2011 at 9:58 am

Clarence Thomas's soul is fused to a LaZBoy covered in poop and maggots. Correction. Thomas's soul is poop and maggots.

undeterredbyreality March 31, 2011 at 10:07 am

All three fused together in a single chair.

Monsieur_Grumpe March 31, 2011 at 9:31 am

Saint Simeon the Stylite?

tcaalaw March 31, 2011 at 9:56 am

Oooh, good one!

riverside68 March 31, 2011 at 9:33 am

Santorium?

Beowoof March 31, 2011 at 9:38 am

I think the lube would help him slide out.

trampndirtdown March 31, 2011 at 9:43 am

Elmo?

mrblifil March 31, 2011 at 9:49 am

Andrew Sullivan?

SudsMcKenzie March 31, 2011 at 9:54 am

Baron Harkonnen?

elviouslyqueer March 31, 2011 at 9:54 am

Chris Christie?

James Michael Curley March 31, 2011 at 10:15 am

Christie is driven around in the front passenger seat of a Cadillac Escalade. Last time I saw him get out of it I swear he makes the same sound that jellied cranberry sauce makes when it finally slides out of the can. His seat is mounted on a swivel track and looks like it is mounted with no leg room in the rear. (Sorry about that, mentioning rear and Christie in the same post.)

jqheywood March 31, 2011 at 10:27 am

…the same sound that jellied cranberry sauce makes when it finally slides out of the can.

FTW! I now have a mental image, complete with a wonderful soundtrack, that will make my morning an odyssey in nausea…thanks!

elviouslyqueer March 31, 2011 at 10:35 am

Better living through projectile vomiting!

Swampgas_Man March 31, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Ssscchhhlloooooorrrrp!

Mumbletypeg March 31, 2011 at 10:28 am

What a priceless scene that must have been to behold, Gov. Christie swiveling in his passenger seat and quivering like a greased eel..

widestanceroman March 31, 2011 at 10:47 am

Is it true that anyone standing within 10 feet of the car is then sucked into the other side when he exits?

James Michael Curley March 31, 2011 at 11:05 am

Boyles Law would say yes.
Curley's Law says RUN!

RedneckMuslin March 31, 2011 at 9:57 am

Terri Schiavo?

xsluggo March 31, 2011 at 10:04 am

You are a truly vile person. And thanks!

Come here a minute March 31, 2011 at 10:01 am
elviouslyqueer March 31, 2011 at 11:15 am

Oh no. Not without Kathryn Lopez, you don't!

chicken_thief March 31, 2011 at 10:03 am

Larry Craig?

not that Dewey March 31, 2011 at 10:11 am

The gluttony victim from SE7EN?

xsluggo March 31, 2011 at 10:16 am

Limbaugh. He then sucked up the fatest maggots and left the poop for a bedtime treat, to be polished off with a glass of warm, bubbly urine.

iburl March 31, 2011 at 10:39 am

Newt Gingrich 2024?

Jerri March 31, 2011 at 10:46 am

Oscar the Grouch?

nedbeaumontjr March 31, 2011 at 11:16 am

Larry King?

glamourdammerung March 31, 2011 at 11:43 am

Did they have a sign with a lot of spelling and grammar errors?

GOPCrusher March 31, 2011 at 12:05 pm

John Wayne Gacy?

Negropolis March 31, 2011 at 10:03 pm

Micky Rooney?

zhubajie April 1, 2011 at 12:36 am

H. P. Lovecraft?

Monsieur_Grumpe March 31, 2011 at 9:26 am

"State Rep. Carl Gatto (R-Obviously), has received hundreds of supportive emails, as well as “phone calls from places like New Zealand, Poland and Israel in support of his bill.”

That’s what you get when you answer those Nigerian emails.

Terry March 31, 2011 at 9:37 am

The legislative equivalent of "The Lurkers Support Me"?
http://barb.velvet.com/humor/lurkers.html

chicken_thief March 31, 2011 at 10:25 am

Gatto is trying to claim the mantle of "Craziest Eye-tal-ee-un Carl in Politics" now that Paladino is history.

GOPCrusher March 31, 2011 at 12:06 pm

I hope they called collect.

Swampgas_Man March 31, 2011 at 2:53 pm

I'm wondering why no one in his own state called him.

Texan_Bulldog March 31, 2011 at 9:27 am

Looks like Fox News just lost them a viewer in OH.

Gratuitous World March 31, 2011 at 9:28 am

like tourist season, sharia law is seasonal, as a crescent moon is ever-present for months, deciding cases and holding WASPS in contempt of court.

Swampgas_Man March 31, 2011 at 2:55 pm

This will be followed by a law banning Christian/Judaic law in Alaska, right?

ManchuCandidate March 31, 2011 at 9:29 am

What's shocking about the Lazy-Z-Boy Squared fatty who died? He had a girlfriend.

Terry March 31, 2011 at 9:40 am

She must have had the keys to his truck and free use of his credit cards.

ManchuCandidate March 31, 2011 at 9:42 am

It's not like he was going to use them. Ever.

Limeylizzie March 31, 2011 at 10:04 am

He didn't die! He's in hospital,.

anniegetyerfun March 31, 2011 at 10:09 am

So, she's not available, is what you are saying?

ManchuCandidate March 31, 2011 at 10:09 am
Jim89048 March 31, 2011 at 10:11 am

Updated story at wtrf.com sez he died, mercifully for all parties concerned.

SorosBot March 31, 2011 at 9:29 am

I'm just glad I hadn't eaten before reading that Ohio story.

riverside68 March 31, 2011 at 9:37 am

Unfortunately I had, now I have to eat again.
Gotta learn: no Riley first thing in the morning, ease into the day with some Ken or Jack before going to the harder Stuef.

gef05 March 31, 2011 at 9:40 am

Oh, that pun is cruel and unusual punishment. +1

tcaalaw March 31, 2011 at 9:59 am

Nausea at reading such a story is nature's way of helping you not become so morbidly obese that you fuse into an armchair soaked with your own waste.

riverside68 March 31, 2011 at 10:29 am

And maggots are nature's way of using you if your fused to the armchair by your own waste. The circle of life, isn't nature wonderful?

DaSandman March 31, 2011 at 9:30 am

I am channeling John Carpenter now. We just round up all these wingnut extremists in a coast to coast sweep, dump them in Alaska and build a big wall.

Escape From Alaska indeed.

ThundercatHo March 31, 2011 at 10:38 am

Better plan – fuse them to their armchairs (like that would be hard – just turn on fux nuze and give them all the deep-fried, chocolate chip pancake covered sausage on a stick they could ever eat) and let the maggots have 'em

GeneralLerong March 31, 2011 at 11:35 am

No, no – send them back to Arkansas, where they came from during The Pipeline Years. Or maybe South Dakota.

SonofSpermcube March 31, 2011 at 9:31 am

http://www.wftv.com/news/3643877/detail.html

This is not the first "fused to couch" story, and only 2 years? What a lightweight.

poncho_pilot March 31, 2011 at 2:48 pm
Serolf_Divad March 31, 2011 at 9:31 am

A morbidly obese Ohio man was found “fused” to his favorite chair, which he hadn’t moved from in two years.

AKIRA!

ManchuCandidate March 31, 2011 at 9:36 am

Don't spoil the plot of Hollywood's remake of the film aka "White" Akira!

ProgressiveInga March 31, 2011 at 9:31 am

When did El Rushbo move to Ohio?

BarackMyWorld March 31, 2011 at 9:31 am

You didn't forget Poland!

trampndirtdown March 31, 2011 at 9:46 am

Coalition of the retarded.

ManchuCandidate March 31, 2011 at 9:32 am

Thanks to OHIO fatty, at least Spanky whateverthefuckhecallshimself Downfister has something to aspire to.

freakishlywrong March 31, 2011 at 9:33 am

Gaaahhhh! Buttsecks!

Sophist [غني عن ذلك] March 31, 2011 at 9:33 am

Alaska Akbar!

BarackMyWorld March 31, 2011 at 9:35 am

It's a trap!

BarackMyWorld March 31, 2011 at 9:34 am

…Islamic Community Center of Alaska….

Wait….WHAT?

Sophist [غني عن ذلك] March 31, 2011 at 9:40 am

I hear both Alaskan Muslims are members.

BerkeleyBear March 31, 2011 at 9:47 am

And they both work for the FBI.

riverside68 March 31, 2011 at 10:36 am

My understanding is one is on contract to the CIA/NSA.
That way we support both of them, and they are oversighted by different congressional committees, but both of them are reporting on the Shria law plot, which give us independently sourced backup.
Bingo, more money to investigate AK muslins. (Isn't AK where government agents are sent when their fuckups become public?)

randcoolcatdaddy March 31, 2011 at 9:35 am

The only way Alaska's state government could be more retarded is if it where Wisonsin's state government.

jqheywood March 31, 2011 at 10:34 am

Or Michigan's.
Or Ohio's.
Or Arizona's.
Or Indiana's.
Or South Dakota's.
Or…oh what the hell….we are all just [redacted].

Come here a minute March 31, 2011 at 9:35 am

Good for Alaska! Honor killing should be reserved for a hockey dad who is angry about a bad call against his son "Stick", as Jesus intended.

gef05 March 31, 2011 at 9:38 am

"the potential of Islamic religious law — Sharia — from trumping the U.S. Constitution in Alaska courts.”

Well and fine, but wont somebody think of the Martians? Once they take over we'll have to poop out of the tops of our heads, and eat pig-iron for breakfast.

mrblifil March 31, 2011 at 9:39 am

I hope Poop Maggot Man had the foresight to bequeath his vote for John Kasich in his will.

GuanoFaucet March 31, 2011 at 9:39 am

Did his favorite chair have wheels?

unclejeems March 31, 2011 at 5:34 pm

It had skids.

Trannysurprise March 31, 2011 at 9:42 am

That's the glory of Sharia Law. You can weigh 800 lbs, sit in your own poop, never lift a finger to care for yourself and still make some bitch be your girlfriend.

Terry March 31, 2011 at 9:42 am

Come on, be honest. Who is disappointed that there weren't any photos of the guy in Ohio?

freakishlywrong March 31, 2011 at 9:52 am

I'll be honest Terry. I'm not disappointed. Morbidly obese people sitting will be a dime a dozen today at the teajadist rally later today. Which will be breathlessly covered by all media.

Terry March 31, 2011 at 9:57 am

True, but it's is hard to look away when the fire department is cutting the wall and door out of a house to get a person out.

hollywooddood March 31, 2011 at 10:07 am

I'd rather see a photo of his girlfriend.

CapeClod March 31, 2011 at 10:12 am

I have to admit, the picture of the guy carrying his stomach around in a wheelbarrow that pops up here on a regular basis has satiated my appetite for fatty portraits.

James Michael Curley March 31, 2011 at 10:26 am

18 mm wide angle lenses are not the usual fare of small town reporter/photographers.

riverside68 March 31, 2011 at 10:48 am

I had a client who rear ended a "morbidly obese" person whose obesity became part of the damages argument. I had to review photos and medical history. She had been treated for yeast infection in the fat folds.
Thank you Reily for for no photos.

karen March 31, 2011 at 2:24 pm

The 3 bean salad on top of a salad and a refried bean pocket were not the things to be eating while reading today.

Beowoof March 31, 2011 at 9:42 am

What's the difference between Sharia and that Biblical law the wing nuts want to impose on us? Biblical law is from white people so it must be saintly.

Really, the guy lived with two people and they let his fat ass fuse to the chair. They didn't even do a diet intervention they just kept bringing him French Fries, Chicken McNuggets and doughnuts. Wow.

tcaalaw March 31, 2011 at 10:01 am

They were doing their part to reject Michelle Obama's healthy eating sharia fascism!

Jim89048 March 31, 2011 at 10:26 am

I realize that a socialist civil servant cop may have elitist tendencies and it's only natural that he'd want to destroy any of his clothing that may have come into contact with such a maggot-infested Fatty McFattypants, but what about the girlfriend and other roommate? One can only imagine how well-received they might be in their lives outside the house, presuming they ever left the house?

zhubajie April 1, 2011 at 12:44 am

Probably they'll each "write" memoirs, get on Dancing with the Stars, have "reality" TV shows, etc., before you know it.

widestanceroman March 31, 2011 at 11:10 am

They had a bet to see how long his own waste mound would push him to the ceiling, then they swear they were going to do the right thing and get the man help.

A bet's a bet, ya know?

zhubajie March 31, 2011 at 11:38 am

Not much different at all. Probably ancient Israelites were as "white" as modern Palestinians.

PsycWench March 31, 2011 at 9:43 am

This bill is to keep Sharia law from trumping the U.S. Constitution in Alaska? Did Alaska secede without our notice, or is the Constitution optional in Alaska? Also, why bring The Donald into it?

philpjfry March 31, 2011 at 9:52 am

Because they are all morons. Sorry, that is way too obvious

metamarcisf March 31, 2011 at 9:43 am

I hope the morbidly obese guy is going to be okay. After all, obesity is the second leading cause of death among fat Americans, next to the number one cause: being scared to death.

Fare la Volpe March 31, 2011 at 9:44 am

[S]he had no idea how bad his condition was since he covered himself with a blanket every time she came to visit

"Aside from the chronic smell of urine, shit, and decaying flesh, they were model tenants."

SorosBot March 31, 2011 at 10:04 am

The landlord was just following the example of Alan Greenspan yesterday:
http://crookedtimber.org/2011/03/30/with-notably-

"With notably rare exceptions (2008, for example), the global “invisible hand” has created relatively stable exchange rates, interest rates, prices, and wage rates."

zhubajie March 31, 2011 at 11:39 am

Hey, my experience is that Ohio landlords will ignore anything, so long as they can collect the rent and don't have to do any maintenance.

Fare la Volpe March 31, 2011 at 9:45 am

He reminded her of her daddy — a manatee.

SorosBot March 31, 2011 at 9:46 am

I think the correct term here is "enabler".

hollywooddood March 31, 2011 at 9:46 am

I can't decide which is worse, sitting in shit and maggots for two years or being a Republican.

ChessieNefercat March 31, 2011 at 9:55 am

There's a difference? If by "sitting in shit and maggots" you mean sitting in front of Fox news, mouth agape, moving your lips to the more "complicated" stories…

Jerri March 31, 2011 at 10:51 am

I think there's some significant crossover in that particular Venn Diagram of choices.

riverside68 March 31, 2011 at 10:56 am

Ask any libertarian. sitting in shit and maggots is a "victimless" crime. Repuglicans are victimizing 99.9% of us for the benefit of 0.1%.

Oblios_Cap March 31, 2011 at 9:46 am

Obviously, Brain Freeze is really a medical condition.

deanbooth March 31, 2011 at 9:49 am

I have 27 words for moron.

Oblios_Cap March 31, 2011 at 9:57 am

That's using your Inuit-tition.

SorosBot March 31, 2011 at 9:50 am

It's better to have moronic wingnut state legislators waste their time on trying to ban something that not one single person has attempted to do, and which is already banned by the Constitution anyway, than in the active pursuit of pure evil as in Wisconsin and Michigan.

James Michael Curley March 31, 2011 at 10:50 am

Then there is Eric Cantor's statement that the Republican budget bill HR-1 becomes law automatically on March 6, 2011 whether the Senate OK's it or not because he put a paragraph in the bill stating that.

The only reason for this moronocity may be that he was raised Orthodox and could not watch "Shoolhouse Rocks" on TV saturday mornings.

SorosBot March 31, 2011 at 11:11 am

So this guy never even learned grade school civics; good to know.

weejee March 31, 2011 at 9:50 am

Mmmmm, Gatto's fan club includes Pam Geller. Well no surprise there. But will Gatto's worst hair dye job ever lead to Gatto gaining Geller's grotto for buttsechs?

Swampgas_Man March 31, 2011 at 3:02 pm

"Gatto gaining Geller's grotto for grubby groping?"

FYT

Fare la Volpe March 31, 2011 at 9:51 am

Naturally, the wingnuts on the obese man story aren't offended by the horrid sloth and moral decay of a man too lazy to leave his chair, but by the fact that he might have been on welfare.

Of course, you have to pick up your welfare check in person, but don't let that stop a good old-fashioned knee jerk.

gef05 March 31, 2011 at 9:57 am

The lunatic comments aside, it's worth clicking through to see the still of the newsreader: http://wtrf.com/story.cfm?func=viewstory&stor

philpjfry March 31, 2011 at 9:53 am

In the words of John Prine: " It don't make no sense that common sense don't make no sense no more"

Oblios_Cap March 31, 2011 at 10:00 am

Not to mention his other nuggets o' wisdom like "Your flag decal won't get you into Heaven anymore" , "Jesus don't like killin' no matter what the reason's for", and the classic "Farm machinery cutting off people's arms and legs".

metamarcisf March 31, 2011 at 10:21 am

You may see ME tonight with an illegal smile.

mrblifil March 31, 2011 at 9:55 am

In an unrelated irony his girlfriend was later rushed to the very same hospital to deliver the baby she was totally unaware she was carrying.

widestanceroman March 31, 2011 at 9:55 am

Today, we are all shit and maggots.

tcaalaw March 31, 2011 at 10:02 am

What do you mean, "today"?

elviouslyqueer March 31, 2011 at 9:57 am

That picture of Gatto on the ADN site just screams "I have a couple of naked Cub Scouts tied up in my basement."

Fare la Volpe March 31, 2011 at 10:02 am

"And I died 6 months ago."

anniegetyerfun March 31, 2011 at 10:14 am

"Gatto said he grew up in New York City, where his Italian neighborhood clung to technically illegal customs like giving a child whiskey to help with illness. But the world of other immigrants is different, he argued."

So, he wants Muslims to give their kids whiskey? I don't have a problem with that, actually.

arihaya March 31, 2011 at 10:00 am

as far as i know people are free to follow their religious laws (Halakhah, Sharia, 10 Commandments, Dharmas etc ) so far as it didn't contradict US laws..

so these "anti-sharia" movements are as redundant as saying "wingnuts are asshole "

zhubajie March 31, 2011 at 11:34 am

Most of these ignorami don't know what sharia is, anyway. It's largely the same kind of thing as halakah, Jewish "law" and not too different from RC canon "law."

deanbooth March 31, 2011 at 10:00 am

Perhaps the OH man is a victim of Ottoman, who designed a chair so comfortable that once you sat down, you could not get up.

riverside68 March 31, 2011 at 10:59 am

Ah the Ottoman Empire! Sharia Law!
Wake up sheeple, CONNECT THE DOTS!

baconzgood March 31, 2011 at 10:01 am

I would never accept a phone call or e-mail from a damn Kiwi unless it was Bret or Jemaine.

trampndirtdown March 31, 2011 at 10:13 am

Now now there are some very fine Wonketeers from NZ.
Plus I heard they all live in Hobbit Holes.

zhubajie March 31, 2011 at 11:41 am

New Zealand jokes all involve sex with sheep

OneDollarJuana March 31, 2011 at 10:02 am

How come these "poop maggot man" stories always seem to come from the Bible Belt? Is there something in the Bible that makes them just give up?

tcaalaw March 31, 2011 at 10:14 am

I thought Ohio was part of the Rust Belt, not the Bible Belt?

ThundercatHo March 31, 2011 at 10:46 am

Rust Belt is in the north part of the state and the Bible Belt begins the closer to WV and KY you get.

zhubajie April 1, 2011 at 12:48 am

This guy lived next door to Wheeling, West Virginia. That's Appalachia. Probably he just watched TBN rather than actually reading anything as demanding as the Bible.

jonzin March 31, 2011 at 10:04 am

Did he sit in a pile of shit for two years, or did he hold it in for two years and let it out in one shot at the end?

Beowoof March 31, 2011 at 10:10 am

Now that letting it fly all at once could have produced the dramatic weight loss this guy needed.

riverside68 March 31, 2011 at 11:02 am

And, according to Newton, the lift to get him out of the sofa

widestanceroman March 31, 2011 at 11:25 am

He could have been sent back to the future to before he put on so much 'winter weight.'

A wasted opportunity in so many ways.

Swampgas_Man March 31, 2011 at 3:04 pm

If not past Earth orbit.

zhubajie April 1, 2011 at 12:48 am

Maybe both.

Ducksworthy March 31, 2011 at 10:06 am

The living room where the man lived in his chair was very filthy, very deplorable. It's unbelievable that somebody lives in conditions like that,

Fortunately he was able to vote for governor Kasich via the absentee ballot.

undeterredbyreality March 31, 2011 at 10:06 am

It's mourning in America.

xsluggo March 31, 2011 at 10:10 am

Senator Gatto, the Baby Seal Clubbers Union is truly upset by your proposal. You have been warned. And think twice before leaving your house in a white hoody. Mistakes are made.

anniegetyerfun March 31, 2011 at 10:11 am

HOUSE BILL: Gatto worried about "cultures that are vastly different from European immigrants."

You mean, like Native Alaskans?

Fare la Volpe March 31, 2011 at 10:15 am

The Inuit have 14 different words for "asshole."

elviouslyqueer March 31, 2011 at 10:39 am

Not coincidentally, all of them with the suffix -palin.

xsluggo March 31, 2011 at 10:19 am

Italians.

GregComlish March 31, 2011 at 10:15 am

Disgusting. Just think about the amount of shit/urine that a 600 lb man generates every day. That guy belongs in a zoo.

chicken_thief March 31, 2011 at 10:17 am

Thank Gawd someone FINALLY had the balls to introduce that Sharia can't trump the Constitution bill. And whoever – Dem, Repub, Indie – it don't matter to me, introduces the "All Zombies must show a long form re-birth certificate before being allowed on the ballot" bill will lock up my 2012 vote!

ttommyunger March 31, 2011 at 10:17 am

Also venomous snakes. Alaska must pass legislation to prevent snakes from invading their frozen wasteland; and lizards, also, too, in addition…

KeepFnThatChicken March 31, 2011 at 10:19 am

Someone call Rick Santorum and let him know that Maggotass died, and can no longer go to work.

deit: OH MY GOD, THAT DUDE IS STILL ALIVE?!

jdoleman March 31, 2011 at 10:20 am

Damn it they are onto us. Hey Osama the Alaska scheme is a bust, onto plan B, Oklahoma.

anniegetyerfun March 31, 2011 at 10:21 am

The last two paragraphs in the ADN article, which detail how Italian Americans were treated as immigrants in the US in times past, should really fucking hit home with that asshole. They won't, of course, but they should.

GregComlish March 31, 2011 at 10:22 am

And WTF is up with his accomplices. Why would you keep feeding this man? I could see giving him some water and vitamins so he doesn't die, but honestly you just need to let the fucker starve down to the point where he can walk his ass to the kitchen. Did those chicks have some sort of sick feeding fetish?

ThundercatHo March 31, 2011 at 10:52 am

I know, these stories always amaze me. One would think that the person responsible for their care would be putting them on a serious diet.

zhubajie March 31, 2011 at 11:44 am

Maybe he ordered pizza, etc., with a cell phone.

Mumbletypeg March 31, 2011 at 10:22 am

Anchorage Rep. Holmes and ACLU of Alaska director Jeffrey Mittman said the bill could cause unintended problems with international contracts that are drawn up between individuals and corporations

Because Americuh's identity crisis regarding incorporating of personhood, or impersonating of corporations, isn't already confuzed enough.

DahBoner March 31, 2011 at 10:23 am

LOOK! OVER THERE! A COMMUNIST!!!!!

Steverino247 March 31, 2011 at 10:31 am

Once again, I must point out that Creeping Sharia will not grow in places that are as fucking cold as Alaska. It IS possible to cultivate Creeping Sharia indoors with the proper lighting, but I'm pretty sure that's reserved for marijuana there.

Hatrabbit March 31, 2011 at 10:32 am

This should stop the Wasilla Taliban in their tracks.

gef05 March 31, 2011 at 10:36 am

She's having something.

tcaalaw March 31, 2011 at 10:40 am

Except that Weird Al already parodied "My Sharona" on his very first album as "My Bologna." I don't know if he'd want to go to the same well twice.

Jim89048 March 31, 2011 at 10:48 am

It hasn't stopped Elton John.

GodShammgod March 31, 2011 at 10:44 am

They'll crusade against Sharia law and still force women to pay for their rape kits.

Can we please give them back to Russia?

Jim89048 March 31, 2011 at 10:46 am

O-face.

donner_froh March 31, 2011 at 10:52 am

OK, that's it. I am never going to sit in a chair again.

GOPCrusher March 31, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Actually, I think this is a good reason to ban World Of Warcraft and broadband Internet connections.

Lascauxcaveman March 31, 2011 at 10:55 am

The unnamed man lived with two able-bodied roommates

If you wanna call that living.

TheMightyHaltor March 31, 2011 at 11:14 am

Fused-to-Chair Guy could become a wingnut hero if he shouted "Take THAT, Michelle Obama!" as they carried him away.

pdiddycornchips March 31, 2011 at 11:33 am

Hey, don't laugh. It may seem silly but almost all of these places that have outlawed Sharia law have not been attacked by terrorists. NYC? Los Angeles? They HAVE been attacked by terrorists! This PROVES that outlawing Sharia law magically destroys terrorism! And if you don't believe me, you are by definition a supporter of terrorism and hate 'Merca.

unclejeems March 31, 2011 at 11:58 am

Impeccable reasoning. I'd like to outlaw Leviticus, where it says that people who screw people they're not married to should be killed. But since the Bible is the inspiration for the Constitution, I reckon that's out.

northernbassist March 31, 2011 at 3:32 pm

Not so fast, there–our Governor "Palin's lapdog" Sean Parnell is way ahead of you:
http://www.adn.com/2011/03/23/1772266/senate-pane

"Gov. Sean Parnell's appointee for the panel that nominates state judges testified Wednesday that he would like to see Alaskans prosecuted for having sex outside of marriage."

But he won't let that stance (wide as it may be) prevent him from being impartial in selecting judges….christ on a crutch, I need a drink–and I'm a 23 years+ sober alcoholic….

unclejeems March 31, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Too bad the judge's parents didn't think of that before the old lady got knocked up.

ttommyunger March 31, 2011 at 11:41 am

When asked this question, the Palinator replied “Penta-Who? Fuck-em!”.

zhubajie March 31, 2011 at 11:53 am

I fear she knows the Pentas way too well. Probably she'll end up withher on faith-healing tongues-speaking TV show, suckering people out oftheir money for the rest of her life. Even if she does fulfill herdestiny and become the Last Pres.!

Troubledog March 31, 2011 at 12:23 pm

It's already against the law to kill people, pretty much all the time. So really, could someone just let him know? I'm sure it's a misunderstanding. Thanks.

LocalGirlMakesGoo March 31, 2011 at 12:29 pm

COUCHSKIN AMERICAN!

Poindexter718 March 31, 2011 at 3:49 pm

So this is just for the muslims, right? Can Todd & Tank can still cite Pentacostal cannon law and off Willer if she goes out sluttin' round?

LakeLucilleLoon March 31, 2011 at 4:10 pm

I see an episode of Hoarders coming from that Ohio story. The grossest Hoarders yet! Plus, Michelle Obama could have helped him with that obesity problem, if only she had known. Nice to know that if I become chairbound and smelly, I only have to cover myself with a blanket when people come visit, lest they find out about my "condition". That's some magic blanket for sure!

MadBrahms March 31, 2011 at 4:24 pm

On the upside, no one in Japan will ever say "Where's the beef?" again, because the beef will *glow in the dark*.

ShaveTheWhales April 1, 2011 at 1:54 am

For the last week or so, I've been concerned that the news stories about radiation leakage have been very non-specific — "slightly over the limit" or "X times normal", without saying what the limit, or normal, is. This appeared to me to be trying to downplay the situation

This article is pretty much the same stuff, but now we're up to 1,000+ times normal in multiple areas (but everything is still mmmmostly okay, of course).

This could actually turn out to be pretty bad shit, at least for that region, if they ever get around to actually admitting what the deal is.

MadBrahms March 31, 2011 at 4:33 pm

"I'm more concerned about cultures that are vastly different from European immigrants", says Gotto.

Oh? Do you mean the 91,000 indigenous Alaskans whose land you're trespassing on?

Oh, you mean the less-than-5,000 Muslims in the state! Yeah,they really throw their weight around, don't they? You should write a book about it! You could call it "Protocols of the Elders of Fairbanks". Catchy, no?

fuflans March 31, 2011 at 5:27 pm

good thing OH just took away all those union rights for unions like police and firemen who have to scrape morbidly obese citizens off maggot infested chairs.

gah.

Negropolis March 31, 2011 at 10:09 pm

I wasn't aware much could grow on the tundra, let alone Creeping Sharia. Meh. I guess the silent war on the Inuit wasn't enough fun for them.

zhubajie April 1, 2011 at 12:58 am

Sharia is mostly an academic debate, like philosophy. Hence the 4 schools of Sunni Sharia and the different approaches of the many Shi'a sects. I would think that Todd P, eg, would like the "temporary marriages" some Shi'a groups have!

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