shoot the apple grubbers!

Michigan GOP Looking To Revoke All Teachers’ Licenses If They Strike

'Whoops!' — MichiganMichigan Republicans came in a little late to Wisconsin’s union-arson party, but they’re uncovering innovative new ways to wage war on their state’s working population. Today’s weapon: a plan to revoke the teaching license of the state’s educators if their unions go on strike at any time. Under existing law, teachers aren’t even legally allowed to go on strike, but it’s rarely enforced. Not because there’s anything wrong with a state putting its citizens on trial because they protested something; because it’s costly to hold hearings for each individual teacher. But under the new legislation, Michigan could ban its entire workforce of teachers from the profession if they all decide to strike over Governor Rick Snyder’s proposed cuts. Yeah, that will teach those evil teachers a lesson about trying to hurt the education of our children! Now nobody will be able to teach the kids of Michigan! Oh, wait.

So will the teachers strike?

The Michigan Education Association, representing 155,000 teachers and staff, asked locals this month to vote by April 15 to authorize work actions to protest proposed education cuts and employee concessions. Actions, according to a letter to members, could range from a march in Lansing to a work stoppage.

Doug Pratt, a union spokesman, said the results of the votes being conducted by MEA locals will not be released. On Tuesday, he did say that some locals have already conducted their votes on whether to authorize job actions.

155,000? That’s a whole lot of drifters to hire! Maybe Michigan can widen the net a little bit on the replacement teachers. Sex offenders seem to like kids; Michigan should certify them to be teachers too. And animals! Kids like animals! They’d probably love being taught algebra and getting disciplined by a deer!

In the interest of full disclosure (haha, when has this blog ever done that?), your editor’s parents are both union public school teachers in Michigan. So we can tell you first hand, those people are the most ruthless, greedy, child-hating thugs on the planet. To supplement their princely income, they even engage in criminal activity like buying-books-and-supplies-for-their-classroom schemes and coaching high-school softball. AWFUL THUGS. [Detroit News]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • V572del c:/*.* y/n?

    Teachers: could there be a greater threat to our nation? Discuss.

    • Cicada

      That red ink they use to grade papers? Communist, I tells ya!

      • elviouslyqueer

        Better yet, red ink damages kids' self-esteem.

        • SorosBot

          Idiots, red ink harms the kids' self of steam because it's used to mark wrong answers, not because it's red. And anyway, kids today have too much self esteem; you get too many idiots thinking they're geniuses because they were praised for the simplest, most basic accomplishments.

          • V572del c:/*.* y/n?

            What a good job you did on this comment, SorosBot! Of all the comments on this post, yours was one of them. I'm giving you a Certificate of Participation for it!

          • emmelemm

            "Of all the comments on this post, yours was one of them."

            Shit, that made me laugh.

          • Radiotherapy

            I say we give him an honorary doctorate from Wonkette U.

          • V572del c:/*.* y/n?

            Some cum loudly!

          • vodkamuppet

            Am I the only one getting sick of children writing self-help books? Something about that makes me want to go on a rampage. It's like the ultimate example of how fucking retarded our society has become. Well, maybe it's not to worst example, but it drives me fucking crazy.

        • http://wonkette.com WordSaladNation

          I graded a stack of essays a while back with red pen — the contrast makes it much easier to read — and I got grief from a colleague. "Are you sure you want to use red pen?" she asked. "You know what they've proven about it!"

          "In the ten years I've been teaching," I told her, "I've won three teaching awards and have consistently been voted 'Teacher of the Year.' My students like and respect my class because I respect them, challenge them, support them when they make mistakes, and encourage them to take academic risks, to enjoy learning, and to understand that it's okay to be smart. The color the pen is irrelevant, and anyone who teacher who believes otherwise should probably find another profession."

          She was not pleased.

          • catchtheflava

            But my principal let us pick out different color pens and reminded us of the terrible impact of red ink in a faculty meeting.

            He also told female students that they looked like sluts, but I guess that's a different kind of esteem?

          • horsedreamer_1

            Did he show it to them, also?

            & by them, I mean, the slutty sophomores.

          • catchtheflava

            And by it, I'm guessing you mean the red pen.

            But that would have been bad for their esteem.

          • BarryOPotter

            Tell my horny little dog to stop showing me his 'pink breakfast' every goddamn morning. It's hurtin' my self of steam.

    • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      My teacher said I was stoopid. She wuz wong. Fuking bat don't now mi. And 2+4 = 7! It's not 6!

      /contarded/

    • Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

      "The quintessential Liberal Fascist isn't an SS storm trooper; it is a female grade school teacher with an education degree from Brown or Swarthmore."
      –Jonah Goldberg, Liberal Fascism

      • V572del c:/*.* y/n?

        Written with one hand while jacking off into Monica Lewinsky's blue dress with the other. And really, how many Brown or Swarthmore females (why does this matter?) really major in El Ed? Maybe a lot, and if so, more power to 'em! Jonah probably would know, because at least one of 'em wouldn't go out with him.

        • horsedreamer_1

          I could see him pursuing a Brown grad for a date, but not a Swarthmore grad… if you get my drift.

      • Moonbatting Average

        Three points:

        1) Christ, what an asshole

        2) Tough talk from a guy who went to an all girls school (2 years after it admitted men), and probably still couldn't get laid.

        3) Seriously, WHAT AN ASSHOLE

        • Not_So_Much

          Jonah is a guy?

          • Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

            No, Jonah is an asshole. Weren't you paying attention?

          • Not_So_Much

            Ay went to pubic skool. What was the middle part again? Also?

          • unclejeems

            I thought Christ was the asshole.

    • DownFist Troll

      Bears.

    • mereoblivion

      Michael Bay?

    • Terry

      They're right up there with firefighters, police officers, and employees of State/Local/Federal agencies.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I would go with Firemen, since they know how to burn things down.

      Or Cops. After all, they are armed and ready for the coming revolt.

      • catchtheflava

        Don't forget now, Ho Chi Minh and Vo Nguyen Giap were both teachers.

    • GOPCrusher

      An educated population is a dangerous population.

    • Not_So_Much

      Tearer babeez.

    • MinAgain

      Little Debbie Cakes. Seriously. Have you ever read the ingredients on one of those things?

      • V572del c:/*.* y/n?

        Or Oreos. Which I love.

  • http://eldonaldo.com el_donaldo

    They're looking to replace the teachers with test-taking terminals anyway. Saves them the effort of having to fire them one by one.

    • Boredw/Gravitas

      One teevee station here in Houston just dumped their newsreaders and reporters and just shows news stories on the tube. How could that not work for schools?

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      It is starting here in Idaho. http://crooksandliars.com/karoli/educational-indu

    • Negropolis

      They did that in my city here in Michigan with the alternative education programs. The district didn't want to pay for human interaction, so now all of the alternative ed programs are taught online.

      • ChessieNefercat

        Well, that should be really helpful to those people that for whatever reason didn't fit into the educational mainstream. Take away human interaction!

      • DahBoner

        What is "alternative" education?

        Alternative to ignorance?

  • memzilla

    Say, you which other despot passed a law to revoke the professional licenses of people he wanted to get rid of… ?

    • SorosBot

      Pol Pot?

    • V572del c:/*.* y/n?

      Mao?

    • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

      Mayor McCheese?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Rahm Emanuel?

      What? Too soon?

    • Radiotherapy

      Cross-eyed boy from Wisconsin?

    • mereoblivion

      Bowie Kuhn? Peter Ueberroth? Bud Selig?

    • DownFist Troll

      Abe Vigoda?

    • GOPCrusher

      Rev. Bud Green?

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      In my defense, that dentist who put his penis on my forehead while I was under deserved to have his license revoked.

    • http://wonkette.com WordSaladNation

      14-year-old singing sensation Kory Shore?

    • riverside68

      Vlad the Impaler?

    • Boojum_Reborn

      Lawyer/Dentist/Hero Orly Taitz?

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      Henry VIII?

    • DahBoner

      Balloon Boy?

  • MrFizzy

    Governor Douchefruit had better revoke their gun licenses at the same time.

    • MrFizzy

      Mike Tyson School of Diction.

    • gullywompr

      Now there's a right-wing quandary – how exactly do you rid yourself of a well-armed populace? Fuckers in Michigan are bow-hunters too (which slip nice and easy past metal detectors, BTW).

  • jus_wonderin

    I was a teacher for 5 years (before I burned out). If I remember it right, I think I had a girl tell me her father could buy me. I didn't have a comeback that I think she would understand. And in the scheme of things, her dad was getting his "reward" daily.

    • DemmeFatale

      I got that kind of crap when I was teaching, too, and as I had the pleasure of teaching 7-9th grade, it was often the first time parents realized that their darling babies had morphed into sassy teenagers.
      Once the kids even sent around a petition to each other (during class) to protest my subject. I was teaching general music to 9th graders, and I had a 45 minute lesson on opera (to keep them from being totally ignorant on the subject).

      • Terry

        When I was teaching college freshmen, a group of them called PETA to complain that they had to dissect something in biology lab. The university caved, let them out of the dissection, then the very same group of students accidentally killed some fish the next week by putting them in sealed containers and forgetting about them. Funny how their concern for all living things disappeared so quickly.

      • DahBoner

        Wise wee ones.

        Opera is just Facism set to music…

    • Lascauxcaveman

      "My dad could BUY you."

      "Buy me what? A new laptop, maybe? I could use a new laptop…"

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Lascaux, sounds like you're into the gin early over there in PA.

      • http://wonkette.com WordSaladNation

        A friend who works at a private school once told me that, when he first started teaching, one of his students issued a similar threat. "You'd better change my grade," she said. "My dad's on the Board of Trustees!"

        "Oh, really?" my friend said. "Well, so is mine." His student neglected to realize that, several years before my friend started to teach at this school, he had been a student there himself and that his father was serving out a ten-year commitment on the Board.

        This student never spoke back to him again.

    • poncho_pilot

      a good response: "i'm sure he COULD buy me. he bought your mom."

      • jus_wonderin

        Or I could have said "Funny thing, your Dad might be able to afford me, but I got your Mom for 10 bucks and a pack of Luckys."

      • MarcelleMarceau

        Another response: "We tend to value what we pay for – you came free of charge."

      • DahBoner

        #WINNING

    • Not_So_Much

      You taught Ivanka Trump? Hard to imagine anyone else's spawn would regurgitate that kind megalomaniacal shit.

      But, to be totally fair, shitting through a gold and marble toilet seat is probably totes awesome.

      • ChessieNefercat

        You're forgetting the Palin spawn; eye rolls at teachers, and the big ol' middle finger to anyone that doesn't worship her bitch mother.

    • Guppy06

      Daddy could buy you, but you can get her incriminating LUG photos off FaceBook for free!

      • undeterredbyreality

        What's wrong with being in the Linux User's Group?

  • facehead

    Fire all the teachers, repeal child labor laws, and let the kids teach themselves–there's no other way.

    • DownFist Troll

      Beating muslin communism > 'murika's future.

    • Terry

      No, fire all the teachers, close the public schools, and pay the parents to send their kids to fundy religious schools. That's the point of the thing.

    • PublicLuxury

      The answers are in the book and everything. . .

    • Ms Whatever

      — online schools –there's no other way.

  • Radiotherapy

    First they came for Jack's parents, and we said nothing….

    • PublicLuxury

      Perhaps if Jack's parents were better about getting Pedobear in for demonstrations this wouldn't have happened.

      • Radiotherapy

        Do you know what Pedobear charges per hour?!??

        • PublicLuxury

          He charges by the child so depending on class size… which is getting larger, it could cost you

          • Radiotherapy

            Or, those rich, greedy, n'er do well parents of our afternoon editor.

          • Not_So_Much

            Too bad he doesn't charge by the size of the kid — 2 or 3 morbidly obese 5th graders horking down Costco bins of gummy bears would go a long way…

    • ChessieNefercat

      I wish this were snarky, but it wasn't, was it?

  • Cicada

    Don't forget to tune in for Teachers: History's Greatest Monsters, tonight on Fox! This mind-blowing documentary is brought to you by Plutocrat Studios, the new media division of Koch Industries.

  • EdFlintstone

    Well if they go on strike and fire the teachers, Snyder can pass another corporate tax cut.

    • memzilla

      Cutting corporate taxes has created so many jerbs over the past ten years, why wouldn't it work now?

    • elviouslyqueer

      This is good news for Flint, obvs.

    • OhNoGuy

      Thank God somebody is thinkin' straight!

  • SorosBot

    Today, Michiganders are all proud home scholers, whether they like it or not.

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      Good luck to 'em. I did it for about three months and that was plenty!

  • JoeBiteme

    Ohhh, uppity Michigan teachers, eh Jack? My aunt is a teacher in SE Arkansas, and her home econ class has to wait until she has a yeast infection to make bread. Bam!

  • pukebot

    who will republicans beat off to if kids aren't at recess?

    • poncho_pilot

      free range children.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Why did teachers become Republican punching bags? This has always been considered an honorable profession. Come on people they are probably spending more time with your kids than you ever will. Do you really want to make this a chosen profession of bottom feeders?

    • Texan_Bulldog

      When you think about it, most of the important 'professions' are the least paid: day care workers, old folk home workers, teachers–basically those who help our most vulnerable people. But, good god, if you can write a little UNIX code or tap tap on the computer while simultaneously saying some shit about the Dow index, you get a gajillion dollars. All right…back to being bitter and drunk.

    • LesBontemps

      Why did teachers become Republican punching bags?

      Because the NEA contributes more than 10 times as much to Democrats as to Republicans? No, that can't be it; it's because they're lazy corrupt tax-dollar-thieving summer-vacation-taking socialist monsters indoctrinating innocent chirruns with their socialisms and such.

      • elviouslyqueer

        Worse. They're making kids use their brains, which will just not do.

        • ChessieNefercat

          Exactly.

      • ChessieNefercat

        Because they, you know, teach. How can you keep the peasants in the field if they learn to think?

    • MrFizzy

      This is just a pitiful attempt to divert attention from the fact that the GOP has gutted the country and has no intention of doing anything to slow that momentum. Plus unions have typically voted Dem, and have an actual organization (duh), and that's the main reason why the republicocks want to destroy them.

    • Terry

      Because they are primarily women who should be home pumping out babies?

    • riverside68

      Teachers are the core of the whole western enlightenment rational fact based cabal. they are all about the thinking, questioning, testing, and challenging. Everyone deserves an opportunity Blah Blah Blah.
      We want our county back the way the white male founders made it, gotta stop this teaching business right now!

  • jus_wonderin

    There really is a simple answer for this. Take out every other wall between the classes. Arm the two teachers with chainsaws and tether them together at opposing wrists.

    The winner gets to keep his/her benefits. The downside? The class size and workload is doubled.

  • smokefilledroommate

    Every child will be a home school valedictorian.

  • EdFlintstone

    Can't superwoman Michelle Rhee teach a million or so Michigan students?

    • V572del c:/*.* y/n?

      As long as you let her jigger the test scores.

    • nounverb911

      Michele Bachmann's had more practice with her 27 kids.

      • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

        In fairness, the Bachmann family has two moms.

  • V572del c:/*.* y/n?

    How about striking football players? They all have college educations. And they could impart some of their values to the kids.

    • MrFizzy

      That's totally excellent.

      Lawrence Taylor Institute for Adult Behavior.

      • V572del c:/*.* y/n?

        The Deon Sanders Chair in Self Esteem Development. Plaxico Burress can teach firearms safety.

      • kissawookiee

        Lawrence Taylor Institute for Looks Adult Enough that I Don't Card Them Behavior.

        /fixed

        • MrFizzy

          Mike Tyson School of Diction.

          • kissawookiee

            Sarah Palin School of Squool.

    • poncho_pilot

      i want my kids to teach dogs to fight other dogs. drat, i don't have any kids…

    • ProgressiveInga

      Brett Favre, photography instructor

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      This could work. The Detroit Lions have been on strike for years.

      • horsedreamer_1

        He's an all-around asshole, but former Lions quarterback Jeff Komlo would have to be on the All-Wonkette football team.

        #allnameteam

    • riverside68

      pay 'em in 'roids. Win-win

  • hagajim

    Maybe instead of striking they ought to just kill 'em all and let God sort them out. That might be a good start to the riots against the Superrich.

  • Gopherit

    I wonder what striking teachers would do to scab teachers? Throw chalk? Text books? Send them to time out?

    • Cicada

      Worse: assign word problems.

    • Terry

      Wing dusty chalkboard erasers at them.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        True story… In high school we had a teacher who was from the "old" school of teachers. He once knocked a kid out by picking him up by the collar (kid was head-down in his locker and slammed his head on the shelf). Said teacher chucked a chalky eraser at a kid, hit him full in the face, and blinded him for several minutes.

        The guy was actually a pretty good teacher.

        • Gopherit

          that was SOP with the nuns where I went to school. They didn't get regular sex, like the priests, so they were always in a bloodlust.

        • emmelemm

          I actually had this weird chemistry teacher who, on at least a couple of occasions, whipped out a pickled frog from a jar of formeldahyde and threw it at someone in class who wasn't paying attention.

          • Jim89048

            Better a pickled frog than a fetus, I always say.

        • MinAgain

          I had a baseball coach for a high school math teacher (also a pretty good teacher), and he would fast ball an eraser right by your ear, if you weren't paying attention.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I wonder what striking teachers would do to scab teachers?

      Is Glee still on the air? That would be an excellent plot line for that show.

  • Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    Small-government conservatism in action, ladies and gentlewonks. Pretty soon the middle class will be small enough to drown in the bathtub, and then everything will be ponies and blowjobs and rainbows forever. Hooray! God bless America!

    • anniegetyerfun

      Ponies AND blowjobs? So, like Christmas at my house?

    • Steverino247

      Blowjobs forever? Really? I gotta call my wife!

      • OhNoGuy

        I think you'll be able to call her your ex-wife soon.

        • Steverino247

          Nope. She's got a sense of humor about things like this.

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      What about blowjobs for the ponies? Because the Republican legislators in this country will have all sorts of free time when there's no more government.

      • Steverino247

        No, they're pig fuckers, remember? They draw the line somewhere…

  • edgydrifter

    On behalf of all drifters, I say look elsewhere for your scabs, Michigan. We may be incorrigible wastrels and wayward reprobates, but we're smart enough to stay the hell away from your frigid, dysfunctional ass-pile of a semi-state.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Hom skuking wurked 4 mi. I m eduk8d about shit. I reds gud, a?

    • hagajim

      OK Grassley….why are you on here posing as someone else?

    • DownFist Troll

      Hey…weren't you protesting mooslamic law in Brighton last week?

  • Giveusabob

    Yes, firing all the teachers is the best way to fix public education. Just let the kids learn Algebra via text messaging.

    • Fare la Volpe

      O (M + G) = L (O – L)

      • Giveusabob

        I don't believe LOLs are commutative. OMGs on the other hand …

        • ChessieNefercat

          I believe they're distributive…
          I can't remember where my keys are, but I can remember Sr. Malachi's first grade arithmetic class from (shriek!) fifty! years ago. I don't see how, because I'm only thirty-nine. In my head.

  • nicnack74

    Fucking hippies with their socialist ideas. They are dragging country down with their communist notion of "public education". Who needs a middle class anyway. Royalty had serfs. Indentured servitude was a good living, we can go back. Share cropping never goes out of style.

  • PublicLuxury

    In Arizona, a right to work for less state, there was a teacher walkout in one of the moderately populated cities. They began arresting the teachers… wait for it… alphabetically.

    • OhNoGuy

      How long did it take for them to get ready?

  • Hatrabbit

    How will our children grow up to become Fox News Anchors if they're forced to have an education? Huh? Huh?

    • EdFlintstone

      I thought Fox just recruited their anchors at strip clubs. The female ones were on the poles and and the guys were fapping under a newspaper.

      • V572del c:/*.* y/n?

        Yeah, right, like Fox news anchors read newspapers.

        Oh, I get it. Carry on.

      • Jim89048

        Fox news anchor babies. Eew.

    • ChessieNefercat

      How will our children grow up to become Fox News Anchors if they're forced to have an education?

      That's how they become Fox news anchors. All the evidence indicates that an education is an automatic DQ.

  • zappadoo76

    The counselor at my local high school makes prom dresses for the girls who can't afford to buy one. She goes with them to pick out the material, then she fits them and sews the dress. She is currently suffering from diverticulitis, and is putting off surgery until the end of the semester so she can go to work and do her job. True story.

    Criminals like this counselor should be put in jail if they resist pay cuts. No mercy.

  • PublicLuxury

    It is almost as if the republicans are afraid to educate young people. They might not be as gullible if given a proper (Free Appropriate Public Education) that is mandated. Imagine? How will they control free thinkers? How will they get people with problem solving skills to vote against their own interests?

    Education = B.A.D. Ignorance = Stellar

    • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Edumakshun produces lieburls!

    • poncho_pilot

      Republican Approved Private Education.

  • aguacatero

    The asshole bully kids who still resent their teachers for upbraiding them for not knowing what "upbraid" meant on the fifth grade vocab quiz are getting their revenge!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Ah, threats of retribution — is there no problem they cannot solve?

  • metamarcisf

    If it wasn't for abortion, there would be plenty scab strikebreakers to strikebreak a brickbreakers strike.

    • mereoblivion

      That's very easy for YOU to say!

  • elviouslyqueer

    "Ain't we learning our childrens good?"

    • SorosBot

      "Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning?"

  • GhostBuggy

    I gotta say, all this special attention Michigan's been getting from the Wonkette makes me feel special/want to climb inside a bottle of Jameson's and never, ever come out.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Well, the rest of us from the Mitten state (including those of us from the Running Rabbit part of the state above the Mitten, will probably join you, so save us some room.

      • GhostBuggy

        Sure. I guess I'll have to abandon my plan to move up there, dynamite the Mackinac and build a wall on the western border. Ah well.

  • V572del c:/*.* y/n?

    Continuing your non-snark, it was a bad deal for public schools (and an open, egalitarian society) when prosperous white folks, for whatever worthy or racist or aspirational reasons, stopped sending their kids to them.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Dear serial downfister:

    I'll keep this short: Be gone, before someone drops a house on you.

    Kisses,
    EQ

    • Radiotherapy

      I'll bet the fucknut was homeschooled too.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Unfuckingbelieveable! As one who taught for years, and whose wife taught for years, including a year in the Detroit lower-income suburbs (i.e. not the Really Grosse Pointes) it is so difficult to see these asshole clown pseudo politicians take a profession that was already being beaten and stomp it to death for sport. I might hope that all US teachers would go out on strike in support of Michigan education, but knowing first-hand what teachers are paid I know that won't happen. The next best thing is to saw off the Michigan mitten and let it float down the Lakes to the St. Lawrence. Sorry, Jack but I'll save your folks before the damn state goes over the falls.

    • ChessieNefercat

      That's only half the state (though most of the people). Don't forget the UP and it's supply of people that are happy to vote against their interests every time.

      Stupak's replacement up here in the UP is a standard issue Republican; a fat, bloated abomination on every single issue.

  • http://theblueelite.blogspot.com simplyblue7

    what this union busting party needs is a good ol' fashion government surveillance and some infiltratin'…nothing like reliving the early days of the FBI.

    • V572del c:/*.* y/n?

      Or they can just FOIA all the union's correspondence w/Rachel Maddow, which shouldn't really have any kind of chilling effect.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    How much edumakation do ya need to be a WalMart greeter?

    Holy shit, down to zero in 40 seconds. Yea, my follower is a quickie.

  • SorosBot

    The Bret Favre lecture on sexting etiquette and the meaning of the word "retirement".

  • PsycWench

    Penis goes in, baby comes out. You can't explain that.

    • LesBontemps

      Well you could explain it, but the funding for sex ed was eliminated.

  • Hatrabbit

    Hmmm … we also need to tell which people are the normal ones and which are the teachers. Maybe if we make them wear a patch on the arms of their jackets. I dunno, maybe a star or something?

    • Fare la Volpe

      A gold star.

  • Janinthepan

    Haven't republicans ever heard the phrase "Don't poke the bear"? Well the NEA is like the biggest fucking Grizzly ever in existence, and these anti-teacher politicians better be ready for the mauling they will be receiving come 2012.

    • emmelemm

      The NEA can't possibly have as much money as the Koch Brothers, so while I hope you're right, I'm not exactly confident.

    • MinAgain

      From your mouth to God's ear. That said, as much as Republicans love to throw around the "union thug" terminology, teachers tend to lack the killer instinct.

      • Janinthepan

        I'm just saying that a lot of livelihoods are being messed with by politicians who will not have their jobs come next election time.

  • metamarcisf

    That high school teacher from the HBO original series Hung, will be the first to have his hooker's license revoked.

  • sezme

    These teachers should be replaced with Catholic priests. Nothing could ever go wrong with that; they've been vetted by God!

  • Nopantsmcgee

    As a Michiganite, or whatever, I am comforted Canada is not too far away.

    • jus_wonderin

      Keep checking. I hear they want to move. You might look up and find a hole there one day. And tread marks.

    • ChessieNefercat

      I can't afford a classy book style passport, but I'm going to get one of those card types. It'll get me into Canada. (Don't worry, Canadians, I know I can't stay.)

    • Negropolis

      Canada: She's Only a Bridge Away.

      My passport expires in 2013. I'll get it renewed if the world is still here after 2012.

  • Jerri

    Can a new state motto be far behind? "Michigan: We don't need no education."

    • unclejeems

      If you seen a pleasant peninsula, don't you be lookin' at Michigan.

  • PublicLuxury

    They were tradional thinkser and started with "a". A, ah ah apple B, buh buh bear. You get the picture?

  • thefrontpage

    PEOPLE WHO DESERVE TO LOSE THEIR JOBS IN 2012 OR 2016

    1. Scott Walker

    2. Rick Scott

    3. Rick Snyder

    4. Paul LaPage

    5. Jan Brewer

    6. John Boehner

    7. Eric Cantor.

    8. Robert McDonnell

    9. Ken Cuccinelli

    10. Chris Christie.

    Easily, one of the absolute worst, most horrific, most inept, most corrupt and most idiotic group of governors and attorney generals elected to office in the entire history of the United States.

    • ThundercatHo

      Don't forget Kasich (oHIo) He's a fucking charmer

  • Jerri

    In (sort of) keeping with your theme, this piece just came out yesterday about how students in the Voucher/School Choice programs are actually being outperformed by public school kids here. This is somewhat surprising as the narrative here is usually "MPS is the WORST EVA OMG!! MOAR CHARTER SCHOOLS. SHUT DOWN THE PUBLIC SCHOOLS!" And so forth. Now, that's not to say the public schools here are not without their problems–they definitely are. But as someone who is (fairly or unfairly) a little wary of charters/voucher programs, it was a gratifying headline to hear coming out of my radio.

    "State Test Scores Show Narrowing Achievement Gaps; MPS Students Outperforming Counterparts in Voucher Schools" http://www.wuwm.com/programs/news/view_news.php?a

  • majorguy2012

    Well most Michiganders only Recall Jennifer Granholm

  • vodkamuppet

    If anyone needs me, I'll be wandering around in an alcoholic haze for the forseeable future. This shit day in and day out is too depressing to not be completely blasted 95% of the time I'm awake. When the riots finally start just give me a brick and point me in the right direction, I should still be sober(ish) enough to do my civic duty.

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown
      • vodkamuppet

        I remember that letter from when I used to watch that doc as a kid. Incidentally, it's running on PBS again starting Sunday. I still love it but I think Ken Burns was a bit too generous with his portrayal of Lee.

  • Guppy06

    The Republicans giveth the Thirteenth Amendment, and the Republicans taketh away.

  • Steverino247

    No snark here, Jack. Your parents obviously did a great job because you're smart, witty and can think for yourself. In short, everything the Republicans fear.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Hence the attack on teachers.

  • Come here a minute

    Figures that Stuef and those damn teachers are thick as thieves — I wouldn't be surprised to find that he exchanged 20 years or so of free room and board for favorable coverage.

  • ChessieNefercat

    "They'll probably just work for food, anyway."

    I'm sure that's the Republican plan. And they will be grateful for the gruel. And they will try not to break the rules by smuggling crusts home for the kids. Oh wait, no need. The tykes will be out working their 3-9 after-school shift at the factory for 75 cents an hour. They can use their company scrip to buy a slim jim for dinner from the company store on their way to their second after school job (they'll be able to work until 11:00 pm!), then go home to do homework.

    Oh the hell with school and homework. The scrawny teacher mostly just naps. She cried once when one of the kids brought her an apple, but hey, she has an education and look what it got her.

    I'm sorry, I'm being unnecessarily pessimistic?

    • Ms Whatever

      No

  • MadBrahms

    It still amazes me that states can even make striking illegal. Aren't there federal laws prohibiting this sort of thing? Or is it that teachers are considered "essential workers" and are exempted? That option would be bitterly ironic, since "essential" basically would mean "low paid and shat upon".

    Also, "Disciplined by a Deer" is truly an underrated Cannibal Corpse song.

  • owhatever

    Next, we fire that Michigan National Guard and save a bundle from their socialized pay and benefits. Guns cost money, and we're broke.

  • Jim89048

    A couple of my high school teachers were ringers on a local radio station's basketball team. One of 'em was a tyrant, the other one was pretty cool.

  • Jim89048

    Jack, your parents must be so proud of your career choice!

  • Zombie_Reagan

    Yes, let's fire all 155,000 teachers at once. Nothing could wrong there.

  • Duly_Noted

    Once again the Rethuglicans show they are the oracles of all that is right and good in the Yew Ess AY. Way to go, assholes!

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/FlipOffResearch FlipOffResearch

    This settles it. Saturday I'm hopping in the car and driving 190 miles to Lansing to join whatever protest against the Republicans I can find. I swear, these guys are total nihilists.

  • miss_grundy

    Someone should park his limo with him in it on the railroad tracks so he can catch the commuter to his home in Ann Arbor. Ha!

  • ttommyunger

    Makes perfect sense if you think about it from the Rightard Perspective: home (no) school, resort to crime, get locked up, private prison, prison labor, sweeeeeet!

  • Boojum_Reborn

    The plan is clear:

    1. Fire teachers.

    2 ??????????

    3. Profit!!

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      I actually think that is the plan. It would be tantamount to making John Galt the Secretary of Education.

      • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

        I thought their plan was to eliminate the DOE.

    • unclejeems

      Right. Blah blah blah blah teachers! blah blah ^%&&unions blah blah blah fiscal crisis blah blah blah blah Shariah law blah illegal blah immigrants blah blah blah blah taxes blah blah blah. Ronald Reagan!

  • Ugh

    Since when was the legality of striking anything that stopped workers from striking? Pretty sure the authorities took a dim view of it back in the late 19th century.

    They wanna go back there? Let's go, bitch.

    (I kid. The coming civil war will suck for everyone, the billionaires included. They don't realize it, probably. They're just that fucking stupid.)

    • fishskicanoe

      It'll be our job to make sure it sucks particularly hard for the billionaires.

  • Negropolis

    First, they came for the Michigan teachers. And I was all like "Bitch, back up!" because I like living in a half-way civilized and educated society. They then proceeded to put me in handcuffs and send me to a Upper Peninsula Yooper gulag.

    Then they came for the…well, how would I know. Didn't I mention I was sent to a Yooper gulag? Fucking pay attention, you guys.

    • ChessieNefercat

      I will visit you. Was it Baraga Max? That's not far from me. And if you sweet talk a guard, she'll help you escape (true).

  • BarackMyWorld

    I'm done.

  • Negropolis

    BTW, funny this was brought up, because yesterday, Detroit Public School Dictator…er…"Emergency Financial Manager" Robert Bobb has layed out a plan that'll transform something like 60 something of the city's schools into charters. He also made some Orwellian as hell comment about how he doesn't want a "school system" but rather a "system of schools." The finaly dismantling of public education in Detroit is finally nigh. Hold unto your butts; it's going to be a bumpy ride…

  • catholic4condom

    Remember in Ang Lee's "Ride with the Devil" when Zach Grenier's character says that he knew the civil war was coming when he visited Lawrence, KS and saw that the first building they put up was the public school? The Southerner thought it was repulsive that all children regardless of their station in life had to be educated. That's what I'm reminded of. There's a group of people in this country that sees public education as wrong.

    • catholic4condom

      Mr. Evans: You ever been to Lawrence KS young man?
      Jack Bull Chiles: [scoffs] No, I reckon not Mr. Evans. I don't believe I'd be too welcome in Lawrence.
      Mr. Evans: I didn't think so. Before this war began, my business took me there often. As I saw those northerners build that town, I witnessed the seeds of our destruction being sown.

    • catholic4condom

      Jack Bull Chiles: The foundin' of that town was truly the beginnin' of the Yankee invasion.
      Mr. Evans: I'm not speakin' of numbers, nor even abolitionist trouble makin'. It was the schoolhouse. Before they built their church, even, they built that schoolhouse. And they let in every tailor's son… and every farmer's daughter in that country.
      Jack Bull Chiles: Spellin' won't help you hold a plow any firmer. Or a gun either.
      Mr. Evans: No, it won't Mr. Chiles. But my point is merely that they rounded every pup up into that schoolhouse because they fancied that everyone should think and talk the same free-thinkin' way they do with no regard to station, custom, propriety. And that is why they will win. Because they believe everyone should live and think just like them. And we shall lose because we don't care one way or another how they live. We just worry about ourselves.

  • 教授 Zoom

    And that little girl who nobody liked….grew up to be…Michele Bachmann. And now you know… The Rest Of The Story. Good day!

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    I honestly cannot imagine a tactic more appropriate to attract the brightest, most gifted, most enthusiastic young teachers to go somewhere else.

  • jonzin

    "They’d probably love being taught algebra and getting disciplined by a deer!"

    Come on! Everybody knows that koalas are the best math teachers.

  • robertsgt40

    "Those that make peaceful revolution impossible make violent revolution inevitable"–JFK

  • horsedreamer_1

    You're black. She thought you were going to steal them.

    • Negropolis

      Yeah, that was pretty much the gist of it. It was sad to see what she was being taught so young.